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She doesn't know What she's giving up.

We're not friends, nic. Those days are over.

Loyalty is clearly Not rewarded.

Is that what you call Sleeping with my boyfriend?

You shoved him Off your plate.

And the little dog Under the table

Wasted no time Gobbling up my scraps!

[whistle blows]

♪ I'm on the outside looking in ♪

♪ and I don't know where we went ♪

♪ our lives have gone in different directions ♪

♪ all I see is... ♪

You're the best one, You know.

I mean, what are the supremes Without diana ross,

Or blondie Without deborah harry?

I'm not exactly diana ross.

Nope. But you're Brooke mcqueen.

Hi, I'm adam rothchild ryan.

And you probably think I'm a stalker right now. I'm sorry.

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

I'm sorry, How do you know me?

Who doesn't at this school? Your biography is almost A required course.

Brooke mcqueen, Homecoming queen, Captain of the glamazons.

President of The honor society.

Girlfriend of josh ford.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Ex-girlfriend.

Ex.

Don't the girls Usually follow your rule?

Why are they listening To your second-in-command?

I think she's Buying their lunches.

But I can't prove anything.

I just decided To sit this one out,

See if anybody noticed I was up here.

They didn't.

Yeah. I hear that.

I've been at this school Since the millennium dawned,

And you're the first person Who's spoken to me.

Really? I've never seen you before.

Sucks feeling like You're invisible.

Yeah. I know what you mean.

[girls giggle]

Hold onto that john hancock, Crazy stalker fan.

It could finance Your mortgage someday.

I'll treasure it, Mary cherry.

Look, you're right across From gwyneth paltrow.

How perfect is that?

I know you must all Get bored of hearing this, But this squad is hot.

Did you see the heifers From nixon high last week?

No comparison.

Did you see the polyester Jackets they wore?

God, not to mention, The mustaches.

Suffragettes were Marching again.

Speaking of equal rights,

Adam's dream Is to be a cheerleader.

But, brooke, only those Who have a uterus Can be a cheerleader.

In colleges, they have Male cheerleaders, and They're called yell kings,

And I was thinking that Since the fifth slot is open,

It might be cool To let adam audition.

I just think You guys are cool.

And I want to do Something athletic, too.

I'm a swimmer, but they Don't have a swim team here.

Ever since april tuna Had diarrhea in the pool, And they had to drain it.

So, what do you think? We do have an opening On the squad.

You know, brooke, It pains my heart to Disagree with you, darling,

But as a christian, I'm just not comfortable

With a man's hairy hands

Touching my spongy places, Propelling my buttocks Heavenwards.

Yeah, and I'd have To marry any man that saw My split jumps from below.

On the other hand, girls, Let's not forget

How well it worked out The last time brooke backed A cheerleader candidate.

After plucking Carmen ferrara from obscurity,

Old carm dissed us Publicly in kangaroo court.

All those in favor Of trusting brooke's instincts, Raise your hand.

Sorry, hon, It's ladies' night.

Look, you know, that's cool.

I understand.

Maybe we could all just go get A coke sometime or something.

Adam, since you're so Dead-set on being one of us,

May I suggest You serve as mascot?

You know, I lost a few strands Out there. Would you mind Reweaving my pom-poms?

Oh, also, I almost forgot.

My car needs washing. Okay? Thanks, hon.

Sorry.

Adam, I'm so sorry. Please Don't take that personally.

That wasn't about you.

Nicole is such A nasty slag.

As if she's be anything Without you.

I mean, you're maria.

She's anita, at best.

Is mary cherry retarded?

♪ think it over once or twice ♪

♪ what lasts the longest in this life ♪

♪ character or rock-hard thighs ♪

♪ in the end do you believe ♪

♪ that beauty lies in what you see ♪

♪ 'cause if you do, then, baby ♪

♪ you've been deceived ♪

♪ well, me and b ♪

♪ we hate supermodels ♪

♪ it's just that I'm tired of being compared ♪

They didn't even let him Try out; they just voted no.

That's not fair.

What are you guys Gonna do about it?

Maybe I should Write an article?

Sam, that would be so great.

Do you see how powerful you two Are when you work together?

You could transform This squad.

Adam says that I could be modeling.

His uncle is Francesco scavullo.

Is that the guy On the sopranos?

No, sam, he's like the hugest Fashion photographer ever.

There's this modeling contest Through chick power magazine,

And adam's helping me Get my pictures ready.

These are pictures With clothes, I hope.

Dad, I am talking about fashion And new possibilities,

Not boogie nights.

What happens if You actually win?

You go and eat ex-lax In the garment district?

If I win, I get to be The power girl,

A national role model For teenage girls.

I get to do a commercial For chick power magazine,

With the girls From the u.S. Soccer team.

Plus, the winner gets A free trip to new york city For the announcement.

Aha!

Hey, guess what. Great news.

Hillary had liposuction?

No, but sam mcpherson, Girl reporter,

Is taking up your pom-poms And writing an article

About your brush With gender discrimination.

Do you think It'll sway nicole?

Why are you taking down My old pictures?

Adam, I didn't say You could do this.

We're sharing lockers...

I thought you'd want A clean slate to go With your new perspective

As a provincial High schooler turned Globe-trotting supermodel.

Sorry. My mistake.

No. You're right.

It's a new life.

See you at lunch. Bye!

Excuse me. Is that your locker?

Tibetan prayer beads. Done.

I saw them at Ross dress for less.

Take a look at slade bracelets. You'll find fashion moves In 25-year cycles.

At least, that's what My godmother says.

Maybe you've heard of her. Diane von furstenberg?

Nicole, why do you settle For lady-in-waiting

When you could be queen?

This school already Has a queen: a brooke mcqueen.

She's seventh avenue bound,

Which will leave Kennedy high's camelot Wide open for her successor.

Twiggy boy, you're clever.

As well as being The first person

To ever correctly challenge My fashion sense.

And I dig you, In a bonnie and clyde,

Let's-dress-up-in- Expensive-clothes-and- Kill-people kind of way.

But brooke still has A cali zip code.

Mary cherry and popita Are against a penis-packing Pep squad,

So all of your ass-kissing Is done in vain, hon.

What if brooky is no longer A threat, and poppy and m.C. Fall in line?

Well, then I suppose A position on the squad As my hem-kisser

Might magically come open.

Oh.

You lift, don't you?

[locker door closes]

Well, the composition Is horrible,

The lighting looks like it Was done by principal hall.

Did the indigo girls Lend her this outfit?

Actually, the subject Is sort of foxy.

Who is it? Sam, she lives with me.

She's the one who's writing The editorial about you.

You think she's foxy? In a simple,

I'm-gonna-be- A-checkout-girl-in-orange county Sort of way, yes.

Adam, that's not Very nice.

I was just trying To make a point.

She is not as foxy As brooke mcqueen.

Okay, look, the only reason I showed you this

Is I think that I should Pose for my pictures For the contest like this.

Natural, you know. Real.

Not gonna happen. Look, I grew up In the magazine world.

And to be an "It" girl, You want to move beyond Looking like cousin it.

To win this contest, You need to look hot.

Britney spears, rolling stone time.

Who took that picture, Anyway? It's horrible.

I did. Whoops!

Uh, which just goes to prove, You're destined to be In front of the camera.

I guess.

These past few days Have been so great, brooke.

I mean, being with you Sort of reminds me of when My mom and I would just...

Hang and stuff And... And talk.

I miss her.

What happened to her?

She left when I was 11.

Um...

My mom did The same thing to me.

Actually, it's the reason I took this picture of sam.

I found one Of her old cameras,

And I thought maybe I had A little part of her in me.

I guess I don't.

Maybe that's why we met.

I mean, maybe that's why We both always feel so alone,

'cause our mothers left us.

Maybe.

Call me paranoid, But that new guy, adam, Rubs me the wrong way.

I agree with you, He creeps me out.

All that black, and Everything always matches.

Is he gay?

He admitted to me He had a one-night thing With queen latifah.

I both admire and fear him.

See? Why would Queen latifah be with him?

As opposed to you?

What's that supposed to mean?

I just think that you, All of you

Quivering male egos, Are intimidated by him

Because he is different And secure with himself,

And I think it's making you A little insecure.

What kind of a guy Wants to be a cheerleader?

He's different. He's out there. What's wrong with that?

I still think he deserves A chance to be a cheerleader,

And that's what my article Is gonna be about. Whoa.

Sam, you are so Supermodel giselle here.

Carmen, why are you Going through my stuff?

Because. I'm nosey and curious.

You should be The next chick power girl.

Oh, what?

No, you're way Photogenic here, mcpherson.

Don't kid, okay? Is that harassment?

These were not my idea. I detest modeling. It's dumb.

But brooke begged me, And I gave her her folly

In exchange for exclusive Weekend tub privileges.

Anyway, despite all the heinous Vanity that was involved,

I really got to say that I look really cute in this one.

So, josh, you want to go Work on the vocabulary thing?

And then we can discuss The pros and cons of Making out behind the school.

Ew. Let's go.

[sugar] Okay.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna catch up With you later. See you At the photo shoot.

You're gonna be fine. Bye.

So, you've been defying gender Expectations your whole life.

Is that why you wanted To be the school's First male cheerleader?

Look, I was raised By feminists,

And they told me I could Be whatever I wanted to be.

Maybe I'll fail, But at least I tried.

All I want is a chance.

You know, You're an amazing reporter.

So insightful.

You've asked me questions I've never even asked myself.

Oh, stop.

Sam, this is so powerful.

Great job.

Thank you for giving me The hot tip.

[phone rings]

Brooke, don't you want To get the phone?

You've been so "Let me get it" all week, I'm afraid to touch it.

That makes three of us.

You guys, stop kidding. I've just been a little nervous Hoping chick power would call,

And they haven't, So I lost, and I'm moving on.

Please, someone, Get that. Please?

Please?

Hello?

Yes.

Help me, god, she won, And my life's about to get Even more inadequate.

She is.

She's... She's here.

Hold on.

Sam.

Congrats. You're the new power girl.

Did you get My message last night?

Look, modeling Isn't for everybody.

Some people Don't have what it takes.

You said I was a natural. You're a pretty girl.

But it seems you're high school Pretty, not power girl pretty.

I shouldn't have let you pick That slutty mall photo place.

So now your crash and burn Is my fault?

I don't think so, brooke.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go pick up a paper

And read the article that sam So kindly wrote about me.

A fine fellow that adam. Wouldn't you say?

Given his favorable press.

Well, this is a feather In your cap, but you're Still zero for three.

You haven't delivered Mary cherry or popita,

And brooke is still Very much with us.

I hear chick power Took a pass.

You on the squad? Not gonna happen.

[lily] Wait a minute. He told me...

He rescued beagles from An animal experimentation lab

With kim basinger And alec baldwin,

And afterwards They went out for sushi.

No, it was naomi campbell, Rabbits, and indonesian. I've got it on tape.

I'm sure he told me Kim and alec.

Maybe you should do A follow-up on this huckster.

I mean... She doesn't have time.

She has to practice Facial expressions for Today's power girl...

What in the name Of linda evangelista Are you talking about?

Sam is the new chick power girl.

[both] What? Leaving brooke in the dust.

Carmen, have I thanked you Enough for going behind my back

And rescuing me Even for a millisecond From this high school hell?

What happened To your calling?

What happened to journalism, Miss seriousity?

Yeah, since when did Icon touring start Mattering more to you

Than your reputation As a serious journalist?

Lighten up. Okay?

It's a high school paper,

And it's just one Teeny inconsistency, lil.

Sam, you're late. You're due at chick power Studios at 3:00,

And the genius cross-dressing Stylist at the mac counter Leaves at 2:00.

Yeah, he can show you how To disguise the adam's apple.

[both] Shut up, harrison.

That guy is wrong.

I hear that, sipowicz.

Lose the morocco Lip pencil, mary cherry.

Too hideous kinky.

Well, thanks for saving My lip look, private ryan.

I'm glad there's No hard feelings about My "Remember the alamo" stance

Against male cheerleaders.

Not at all. I admire your Retro-sandra dee aesthetics.

Almost as much as I admire your precision On the football field.

You must have a lot Of jazz dance miles On your nubile tires.

Yes, I do. When I was in texas, I spent a number of years...

Yes?

I studied tap. Recitals. Junior miss pageants.

You know, that kind of thing.

It's over, cherry. You're jamba juice.

I know all about your history.

You're bluffin'!

Am I? [gasps]

Pretty.

[crying] Why did you do this?

That was just The color xerox, "Presh."

I have the original From the "Up with people: Our glorious history" archives.

Glenn close Was in up with people,

And she's been nominated For the oscar five times.

And lost five times in a row!

Oh! Oh, please.

I beg of you, Don't breathe a word of this.

I am at the top Of the social heap.

If word gets out that I toured the country With wafer nibblers,

One alum of which Lost the oscar to cher,

They'd eat me alive.

Ha! Your sordid biography Belongs only to you, Mary cherry.

But do you remember how, In your little group,

Men and women danced Feverishly with one another

In lieu of having Premarital sex?

Couldn't you imagine A kennedy high Cheerleading squad

With both boys and girls Thrusting their pelvic girdles?

Couldn't it Be heaven on earth?

No!

Popita fresh?

You're humming, You're bopping.

I'd say you're Almost mm-bopping.

Just listening To jenny lopez.

Huh. I thought She had a lower voice

And didn't sing In triplicate.

I've got you, chola.

Go to heck.

I don't need to stand here Listening to your ethnic slurs, Bee-atch.

I was merely Speaking latina,

The way you did Last week, poppy.

I was out sick for three weeks With the sydney flu.

My fever was so high, I was seeing koala bears.

Or was it pigs, As in "Bay of"?

I wasn't in cuba.

I think you didn't Have the flu at all.

Isn't it true that you are Secretly and shamefully

The internacional Chapter president of The hanson fan club?

And have been on a goodwill Mission to bring bad music

To an island paradise That is 15 years behind us?

Okay! I've tried everything!

Aversion therapy. Alternative rock counseling.

The backstreet boys. I can't shake My hanson addiction.

I'm so uncool.

Listening to alanis Is uncool.

Listening to hanson Is pathetic.

I need help.

You need me, chiquita.

Popita and I have decided To leap into the 21st century

And vote for our first Male cheerleader.

Well, girls, As your co-captain,

I will certainly take This under advisement,

But as you know, We must all agree upon A candidate unanimously.

And, frankly, I'm not Quite ready to cast my vote.

Yeah, okay, nic. Great. It's up to you.

But I've done my part, Wouldn't you say?

Adam? Sir? Beloved?

Okay, before you go, girls. Here's the memo on This afternoon's pep rally.

There's been a change.

We're gonna be going on Before the marching band,

In order to give the trombones Time to empty their spittle.

Does brooky know we're Starting a half hour early?

I mean, that diana ross Is a stickler for punctuality.

We have sixth period together. I'll make sure to tell her.

Thanks a lot.

What did you Just say to me?

I said thanks a lot, Carmen.

Despite the fact that I have always been supportive Of you when others weren't,

You went behind my back and Entered sam in that contest.

That's really nice.

And by the way, I saw the billboard.

I got the message. You and josh are dating.

I don't care, and I don't want Him back, because I'm over High school romances. Okay?

'cause it's all about you. Right, brooke?

You underestimate people.

Sam, me. Why don't you just Admit that you never imagined

Someone who found You attractive

Could also Find me attractive?

Now I know that Every once in a while,

There are Come-from-behind victories.

[sobbing]

Uh, mr. Director person?

I kind of feel Like a mannequin here.

Uh-huh. Yeah, hear you.

Sam, meet your co-stars, Nike athletes

Tiffeny milbrett And tisha venturini,

Members of the u.S. Women's soccer team.

Um, it's an honor.

I really love your sports bras.

Hey, sam's right. She does look like A mannequin in that dress.

Thank you.

[stamping feet]

These kids are gonna Tear this joint apart

If we have to wait Another minute.

Where the hell Is brooke mcqueen?

Hopefully calling rehab.

What did you just say? Nothing.

It's just, miss ross, It pains me to have to Tell you this,

But after dipping her toe In the fashion industry,

I think our miss brooke Might be having a problem With substance abuse.

She disappears into the novak, Loses all track of time,

And comes out With her eyes red.

Brooke mcqueen is... A total pothead.

Child, I know brooke.

She is a paragon of virtue, The best and brightest This school has.

Mm-mm. She is not The cannabis kind.

Hey, guys.

Miss mcqueen, you are late. I'm sorry. I was in the novak.

There was a memo That everyone else on This squad seemed to get.

I thought we were Gonna go on after the band.

I never got a memo.

Brooke, I hand-delivered it to you.

Adam, I did not read Any memo, okay?

Maybe you did, and you were In such a reefer haze,

You couldn't process The information?

May I search your bag?

Please, be my guest.

I was upset. It's...

Oh, my god, y'all. Brooky's got a bong!

I'm suspending you. You are off the squad.

Ryan, adam rothchild.

Mm! There's two matches.

International banking, 1776-1986,

And "Let's go vino," a bus tour Of european vineyards. Man!

We need sam.

We need sam bad.

[lily] If we can ever get her Back from the modeling world.

Nic, what's the announcement? We're here.

It's my duty to bask In my singular power And introduce to you,

Our very own "Manazon."

Ready for practice?

Actually, I've worked up A little routine

I think might take us In a new, modern direction.

If that's okay.

Five and six and seven, eight, And jazz hands!

And one, and two, And swim it out, And swim it out.

And one, and two, And dip and thrust.

And one, and two,

And dip and thrust, And dip and thrust.

And one. Come on, poppy!

Pop, pop, work it!

Work it!

Mary cherry, mary cherry.

Mary cherry, quite contrary!

And turn, turn, turn, turn.

I can't work with this!

Girls, we need A moment here.

We need to review The power structure here, toots.

I have the power now, And you will do as told.

It's lonely at the top, Isn't it, nicole?

It's so lonely, I think You're about to resign As glamazon captain.

Like I'd ever do that, cupcake.

If you don't, I'll tell The world you're a former fatty.

So I had a little baby fat In those awkward preteen years. Who didn't?

But you went beyond baby fat To john waters territory.

And I'm not just talking Ricki lake.

I'm talking Divine proportions.

You spent seven summers At the stomach staples Arena fat farm.

I have your transcripts Right here.

[screaming]

I do trust you. It's just That in this day and age,

I have to be this involved.

I have to be this...

Sure.

Yeah.

As a parent.

You know, as someone Who loves you so much.

I can't afford To be wrong.

Okay, I know, daddy.

For centuries, girls have Been told to limit themselves.

They can only do so much, Be certain things.

It's a man's world.

Well, guess what, fellas? Times have changed.

[♪♪ hard rock]

if I want, I can be an athlete.

or if the mood strikes, a web site designer.

who says a girl can't be a construction worker?

or a supermodel?

I can be Whatever I want to be .

I'm a girl, damn it.

[man] Chick power magazine.

we show you the way to kick boy ass.

You're a natural, sam.

[switch clicks] Hey, don't turn it off.

I like it. You make it look fun.

You know, it's been oddly Liberating for me to fail.

I can check some things Off my list now.

I'm not a model.

I'm not a cheerleader.

I'm not a girlfriend.

What can I be?

Uh, I heard about The random drug testing.

Brooke mcqueen, Stoner chick.

That bong was planted.

By adam? It doesn't add up.

You were so supportive Of him being on the squad.

Why would he turn on you? It makes no sense. I know.

What are you gonna do now?

We need a crash course In filthy muckraking On a remedial level.

One hour, After school, please?

I'm catching a plane After school to new york

To promote the magazine.

I can't. I'm sorry.

God, I just heard a confab That made my blood run cold.

Brooke mcqueen is talking About wearing a polyester smock

And working down At the mall, selling pretzels.

She's become teen trash.

Oh, my god. It's a total Social about-face.

What's wrong?

I... I don't know.

I feel horrible for her.

Even though, in a cavewoman, Fighting-for-my-man kind of way, I should be jubilant...

I thought I'd throw a party When mcqueen finally failed,

But I feel bad for her.

Sam, you must be pleased.

You've always wanted to see Old brooke brought down to size,

And now, Thanks to adam,

You got your dream.

Whoa. I don't know why My stomach's so unsettled This morning.

It must be all the excitement Over working with Our new captain.

Yeah, isn't His choreography ingenious?

All right, girls. What's he got on you?

Mary cherry, you first.

Okay, fine. I was in up with people.

I'm the international president Of the hanson fan club.

And once upon a time, I was a brunette.

Okay, I was the size Of an imax screen, all right?

Oh, I knew I saw stretch marks.

Okay, now he got The goods on us.

We got to get The goods on adam.

How?

A man's life is In his wallet, but adam Leaves his in his locker,

So he doesn't alter the line Of his expensive slacks.

Girls?

I think it's time For operation angels.

Part deux.

Valmont's headed For fifth period. Amen.

Mary cherry, Why are you praying?

Old habits die hard.

[clicking]

Tick-tock, tick-tock, Tick-tock. Let's go.

no, use the file on the lock, cherry!

The antichrist Is on the loose.

Oh, god.

Watch it!

Sorry. I was just trying To run and get that slide

Worked in the way That you had showed us

In cheerleading practice, And it just must...

[coughs] Excuse.

The dust of the floor Just makes... Ah-choo!

Excuse me. I feel like I'm catching all of this...

Your skin Looks incredible.

It's crazy. I love your hair. It's...

Hi, adam.

Great. We'll see you tonight.

Come on. Got it yet?

Oh, let's go. I don't share Oxygen with spazzes.

No, wait. It's time for the Peasants and the aristocracy To work together.

Li'l lily?

Joe? I hold in my hand The key to the mystery of adam.

Thank god, 'cause it's not on the web.

I fear the evil That lurks inside.

What's in there? Multiple I.D.S With different names.

Mini stills from Audrey hepburn movies. A receipt from this wallet.

How we gonna figure out Which one's his real name?

Y'all, stand back.

This is lady's work.

The little bugger's name is...

[electricity crackling]

Billy bob smelt!

Sister's got voodoo.

Sort of. Thanks to My subscription

To soap opera puzzle magazine for 15 years,

I'm a whiz at The impossible anagram.

Like mine, Adam's is a criminal mind.

Ooh! Lord, I've got the vapors.

My brain's not used To working this hard.

Joe, catch me.

Wow. What now?

I've got an idea.

[beeping]

Okay, we struck out there.

The national access search Shows no billy bob smelt.

Spam, shouldn't we just break Into principal hall's office,

Check his file and see Where he lives here?

Already did, satan. The work numbers for His parents are disconnected,

His address is not In any thomas guide.

Wait a minute. Let me see that receipt.

"The armadillo emporium."

[beeping]

Access search says...

Two matches. Bingo!

One's in texarkana, The other in Tupelo, mississippi.

My girl is on it.

I must say, spam, You're a veritable nancy drew,

But see, hon, could you Explain where we're going here?

In journalism school, They teach you not to just Go to the scene of the crime

But to the origins Of your source.

When we find out Where he's from, We'll get him where he lives.

Tupelo and my beloved Texarkana.

That's quite a bit Of country to canvass.

Wait a minute. Listen to this.

you're an amazing reporter.

so insightful.

He stumbles a bit. His diphthong's whacked.

He's from tupelo!

If he was from texarkana, The emphasis would be

On the second syllable. I never thought

I would say this, But thank god for mary cherry.

Here's spam's plan. We track More of billy bob's victims,

We get a pattern going and find His original criminal impulse.

Okay, but how do we dig Around tupelo, for god's sake?

Stupid bill, Mary cherry here.

It's my mama's Airplane mechanic.

Fuel up the learjet. I'll need It in about half an hour.

Okay, thank, stupid.

How do we get a picture of him Without him knowing?

Brooke. She's a photographer.

Where is brooke? Having a bad hair day?

She's starting work At hot & salty.

[gasping] The pretzel place.

Not our brooky! No!

Hey, joe, this is The part where you're Supposed to catch me.

Girls, joe:

I think it's time We staged an intervention.

You should be wearing A diamond tiara, b.

Not a salty one.

Go ahead, nic, make fun Of my precarious decline,

So you and your new Best friend adam can get in Another cackle at my expense.

Adam's not my best friend, Brooke. You are.

I'd rather crawl through glass Than see you selling Pretzels at the mall

While listening to the muzak Version of "La vida loca."

I didn't think anybody Cared what I did anymore.

I'm really sorry!

I never should have done What I did with josh,

And I'm an idiot, And it will never happen again.

Oddly, nicole, That's not enough for me.

Oh!

You know what? Can I ask you something?

Why did it happen at all?

Why would you do that To someone that you claim Is your best friend?

I'm a bitch. Okay? I admit it.

But you inspire me To be a better person.

God, if I'm half as evil As that horrible vampire, adam,

Then I should be Burned at the stake.

But the truth is, I don't want my friends

To have to accessorize With madonna-style crucifixes.

They're so '80s!

I'm not on drugs.

I know.

And spam knows And everybody knows.

We'll get you back On the squad if it's The last thing I do.

With one click of your camera, We're setting up adam--

Just like he set you up, Just like he set up The rest of us.

And then, honey, We're gonna burn your hat.

Got your page.

So, what is it now, Artist formerly known As "Fat-ass"?

Yes, yes, yes.

Got you now, my pretty.

I thought you had A plane to catch?

Yeah, I missed it. Some things are more important.

And the magazine folded At noon today, so they Cancelled the campaign.

I'm sorry.

[mary cherry] Stupid bill, pass those honey-roasted nuts back here.

thanks, stupid.

[rat squeaking]

You guys, she's been gone For four hours.

Something is going to turn up. We just have to wait.

come on, stupid. Faster!

You guys,

I think that maybe We should face

The cold, hard, Yet relieving truth

That mary cherry's Plane has crashed.

Joe, cross yourself And take that back.

I come bearing gifts. Within two hours of my posting,

My cell phone began ringing, And on the other end,

May I present to you The very first building block

In our exorcize adam quest.

Well, come on in, hon. Don't be afraid.

May I present to you The original adam victim,

Miss wanda rickets!

[lily] Why is she Wearing a straitjacket?

She escaped from a sanitarium, Bless her cracker heart.

Adam drove her mad.

Wanda?

Wanda, can you hear me?

Please, we need your help.

I like pie.

I thought they stopped Giving lobotomies?

Wanda, pie is for dessert.

Right now, we just need A main course of information.

You know, You are so pretty.

[mary cherry] Wanda. Come on, sweetie. We're not talking about me.

We need to know about adam,

Or we'll have to break out My car battery charger

And try electroshock therapy.

Okay.

Um...

Well...

I was... I was once every bit As beautiful as you, brooke.

I mean, I wore Butterfly barrettes

And was homecoming queen.

But then he took it all away.

see, my time at lynyrd skynyrd high was bright and shiny.

until one day at a pep rally,

when my reign as a tupelo teen dream ended just as swiftly

as it had begun.

[people clapping]

[all gasp]

Just say no! Just say no! Just say no!

Just say no! Just say no! Just say no!

No!

And then after my disgrace And suspension,

I just hit rock bottom.

I mean, I wrote folk music And went to therapy.

Got put on the wrong Combination meds

And sort of developed This split-personality, too.

You got any pie?

Wanda, why would he Do this to you? What was his motive?

I don't know.

Of course you don't.

You can't conceive of anything That doesn't revolve around you

And your precious popularity.

Can you, wanda?

Or brooke. Or nic or poppy.

Or the retarded one, Mary cherry.

We've cracked your nut, Cheer boy.

Internet-friendly, I see.

Not to mention Handy with a camera.

Yeah. Like the lighting?

How about the composition? It's over, billy bob. We've got you.

You took this sweet, Innocent cheerleader

And turned her into Some sideshow. Why?

Sweet and innocent, My ass!

She turned me into what I am. All you cheerleaders did!

But we were nice to you. I even gave you An autographed hanson picture.

That was only because I pretended to be rich And cool and fashionable.

You're not rich? But those clothes!

Shoplifting.

I'm a military brat.

My dad makes squat, My mom takes in laundry For a living, and we...

What?

We live in a trailer In echo park.

[gasping]

So, you're pretty much trash?

Yeah. I am.

People like wanda Wouldn't let me forget it.

[bell rings]

Hi, wanda.

I said that every day for three years, always to haughty silence.

until one day,

she spoke back.

You know what? Stop saying hi to me.

I don't like your face, And I don't talk to guys Who aren't jocks. Got it?

Wanda...

No, I said stop talking to me, Trailer trash!

the truth is, it's a thin line between love and hate,

And I hated what I loved And couldn't become.

I just wanted To be somebody.

Somebody else.

I'm sorry.

Sob story time is up.

I'm gonna stick a fork In your butt. You're done.

We're telling everybody That you live in a double-wide.

Everybody!

I'm gonna hire a blimp!

Now you can know What it's like to suffer.

I don't want To do that.

Brooke, come on. He's got to pay. He has.

Sort of. Guys, come on.

Is he any different Than any of us?

Almost everybody In this room is guilty

Of trying to reinvent Themselves to be accepted.

You're right. Nowadays, you can be Anybody you want to be.

Yeah. Just make sure You don't lose yourself.

It's fun... It's funny.

You're the first cheerleader To ever show me

An ounce of kindness.

Thank you.

And I'm gonna go and tell Miss ross that you're innocent.

I'm gonna go with him to Make sure he's on the up-and-up.

Hm. Uh...

Come on.

Wanda, let's go Get you some pie, huh?

Adam, you wanted To tell me something?

Miss ross, It's about brooke mcqueen.

I told you she was On the dirty dope,

And that wasn't true.

The bong was planted,

And the person Who planted the bong In brooke mcqueen's bag was...

Judy stoner. The junior hooked on weed.

I saw her do it with my own Two appropriately dilated eyes.

Miss julian, why didn't you Tell me this sooner?

It's the first time the cat's Ever gotten your tongue.

I was afraid. Judy's got this hell's angels Boyfriend named, um...

Billy bob. Right.

But I got rid of him Once and for all.

I believe judy Was busted yesterday

For distributing inappropriately Seasoned brownies.

I'm going to call Miss mcqueen's parents, Extend my apologies,

And tell them that She's back on the squad.

Dismissed.

Why did you decide To save me?

Truth of the matter is, I can relate to what You're going through.

Uh-huh. And?

Also, by saving you, It means I own you now.

Got it, little Well-groomed one?

I thought you really did Look pretty in that picture I took of you.

I don't know, Maybe you should give Modeling another whirl.

No, I'm not a hair spray Kind of a gal.

Don't get me wrong. I do want to escape This high school hell.

Tell me about it.

But I think I should Start a bit more locally.

You know cranky's, That cool new music store?

They're accepting applications, And I think yours truly Is going to apply.

Cool. You guys know something?

I believe this is The first time that all Of us from different groups

Have sat around together Eating pie.

You know what, lily? You're right.

I'm gonna document This moment.

'kay. Ready?

♪ to bend and not to break ♪

♪ chin up, try not to quake ♪

♪ I'm grinning on the outside ♪

♪ but I'm a wreck internally ♪

♪ ooh, la la la la ♪

♪ ooh, la la la la ♪