Original subtitles

Hey. Welcome back To the "Mating game,"

Where every day's Sadie hawkins day.

Woo-hoo-hoo!

You ready, miss sweet thang?

Yes, I am. Okay. Bachelor number one.

You're placing a personal ad.

How would you Advertise yourself?

First of all, I don't need To place a personal ad.

But if I did, I'd say available,

One lean, mean, love machine.

Invest in ceiling mirrors And high wattage bulbs

'cause you're gonna wanna Keep the lights on, baby.

[applause] Okay.

Bachelor number two.

I saw shakey in love. I groove on the idea Of going out with the bard.

Smooth.

Can you write me A love poem on the spot?

Your lips are red,

Your eyes are blue,

All I wanna do is look at you.

Okay. What if my lips weren't Red and my eyes weren't blue?

I'd still love you.

And a do-be-do-do.

Okay. Bachelor number three.

We're trapped In a roadside motel

During a blizzard One night.

There's only one room And only one bed.

So we snuggle up under The covers to get warm.

And then what happens?

We talk.

[audience booing]

Just talk?

At first.

At night, When the lights are out,

People tell each other things

They'd never tell each other During the day.

I'd wanna hear about everything.

About your childhood,

Your favorite color,

What you want from a man,

What you want from life.

Bachelor number three, What I want is a man like you.

[man] Seven million colors

makes them sitting ducks for predators.

nature has made these males attractive to females,

who consider their fiery plumage a sign of health.

have I just been going for fiery plumage?

I have.

my priorities are whacked.

I've been judging guys on the very criteria

I'm terrified of being held up to.

okay. That's it.

starting today, I am on a manhunt

and I'm taking looks out of the equation.

"Act fast. Limited time offer.

ask me to the sadie hawkins dance.

love, stone cold schoefer,

the hottie in the green sweater."

hey, ass in the green sweater, keep dreaming, dude.

she's gonna make me wait. but she'll ask me.

wait. Why am I dreamin'?

stone cold is hotter than me.

wait. That sounds sorta gay.

[sam] Josh is available now.

he probably likes big breasts, though. Don't all guys?

am I dreaming to think josh

would consider going to the dance with me?

on the other hand, josh might be tired

of getting hip-boned with every hug

and want a little cushion for his pushin'.

there are about 600 guys in this school.

josh is out of the picture.

three guys are out of the closet.

so that makes the chances

of brooke asking me 596 to 1.

the odds get even longer when you consider the fact

that I have the body of a tibetan monk.

- I hate my body. - I hate my body.

- I hate my body. - I hate my body.

[all] I hate my body.

♪ think it over once or twice ♪

♪ what lasts the longest in this life ♪

♪ character or rock-hard thighs ♪

♪ in the end do you believe ♪

♪ that beauty lies in what you see ♪

♪ 'cause if you do, then, baby ♪

♪ you've been deceived ♪

♪ well, me and b ♪

♪ we hate supermodels ♪

♪ it's just that I'm tired of being compared ♪

You wanna be on the wrestling Team, drop five pounds. Next!

Yo, baby. Here's the 411.

Change that spare tire.

You're six pounds Over your weight limit.

Not only that, sugar. Look at my six-pack Or what's left of it.

Brooke once told me She loved my stomach.

Did I ever tell you that?

She told me that if her Maytag ever broke down,

She wasn't worried,

'cause she could just wash Her unmentionables on my abs.

Listen. What goes up, Must come down.

I'm gonna hook us Both up, bro.

I'm on this new Weight-loss plan.

I will be back On the wrestling team

And have a woman by the end Of the semester. Word.

With what?

It's called the mummy. It's a wrap-and-sweat system

Where you get tight In cellophane

And you just watch yourself Dissolve like a sweet tart.

The excess water drains In these ziploc baggies

Strapped to your wrist.

Just eat less And exercise more.

Get serious, g. I've lost a pound and a half After a month on the mummy.

Ninety-eight more pounds, I'm back on the mat.

Cool. All right.

Next.

Damn, fat albert. Lay off the sara lee's.

The teenage years

Are indeed a time Of exploration, of questioning.

What are you talking about?

You were gazing at Josh ford's bod, man.

No sweat. I have A fourth male cousin

Who enjoys coupling With other men as well.

I'm down with it.

I don't wanna do him. I wanna be him.

No. Correction. I want his abs.

How many hours do you think he Spends working out at the gym?

I could lift anvils for years And not look like that.

I'm genetically doomed.

It's difficult, isn't it? Girls think they have it so bad.

Please. Ever since gq magazine and the late '80s Age of vanity dawned,

Being a male and living up To that muscle beach standard

Has become A societal hazing ritual

For male tots and boys alike.

Totally.

And being so skinny And hairless,

Lacking any defining male Characteristic of hunkdom...

I pity you, man.

A real gi joe

Would have shoulders As wide as a refrigerator,

A waist as small As a coffee grinder

And biceps three times Bigger than mark mcgwire's.

Now, that would be a freak show.

Likewise, a real barbie Would have an 18-inch waist

And literally topple over

From the weight of her Protruding cans.

[laughing]

You think that's funny?

Let's talk About the effects

Of these unrealistic Standards of beauty.

Girls are choosing to live

Like cancer patients Undergoing chemotherapy.

Vomiting two Or three times a day.

Trying to measure up To vogue's idea of beauty.

The patriarchy wants us To keep our minds busy thinking About our bodies.

But... We can Reclaim our power.

This week, for example, Is the sadie hawkins dance.

I love sadie hawkins.

I live for sadie hawkins.

I named my pug sadie hawkins.

Because, for once, Girls don't have to sit around

Waiting for boys to choose them.

Now, sadie,

Our dogface diana,

May have been symmetrically Challenged, but...

She knew she deserved love And she went after it.

And she got it.

So, people, today I leave you Not with a pile of homework,

But with a thought to ponder.

Why is it only the beautiful

Are invited To the dance of life?

When we know that all God's children gotta boogie.

You hear that?

What?

That's the sound of no one Asking me to the dance.

Why aren't they Asking you, harrison?

Well, I'll you, sam.

It's because My chest is concave.

No, it's not.

My chest is concave.

Nevertheless, You're clearly a girl.

So... Give me The girl's perspective.

Am I okay-looking?

Uh, you have nice eye lashes.

Okay, that's enough.

It is not. You are totally cute.

Oh, my god. Tuna alert.

Six o'clock.

Hello, harrison john.

Though you're not the dream boy I have bondage fantasies about--

That would be The hard-bodied stone cold--

You would be an adequate setting

For the fiery ruby That is april tuna.

Pick me up Friday at 8:00

With expensive Hot-house corsage in hand.

You know what, april? You're too late.

I snagged him first.

Hey. Sorry, april.

I'm not sure if you're alpha Male enough for me, anyway,

You scrawny, beta harrison john.

Ouch. Rejected by april tuna.

You don't have to go with me.

Might as well go with someone Who we'll have fun with.

Besides, aren't you sick of Mooning after the unattainable?

Like brooke.

Like josh.

No comment. I plead the fifth. Mm-hmm.

Y'all, later this week When I lose my last 20 pounds,

I'll be skeleton thin For the dance.

Then, all I'll need Is the perfect, gorgeous,

Musclely beau.

Yeah. Yeah.

All right, girls. That is it!

I am asking my high-buttock Stone cold to the dance.

I know for a fact He's available, As brooke has taken a pass.

Mary cherry, I'm sorry.

I happen to know he has A thing for caliente girls.

He's begged me many times To roll my r's for him.

He's been on My to-do list for weeks.

Excuse me.

Nicole julian and stone cold Are like fashion and anorexia.

They go together. Thank you.

Well, my, my.

Looks like we've got A catfight on our hands.

What do you say we have Ourselves a little contest?

Whoever loses The most weight by friday

Gets to go to the dance With stone cold,

180 pounds of prime beefcake.

You're on. You're on.

Hey, brooke. Oh, hey.

How about that Sadie hawkins thing, huh?

Yeah. Girls asking the guys.

Beating these girls Off with a stick.

I bet you are.

I'm still holding out for The prettiest girl in school.

I wanna be more than the Prettiest girl in the school.

Did you ask anybody yet?

We broke up. Okay, josh?

I...

We can ask Whoever we want. Okay?

Okay.

You know...

Wow. Those lincoln logs Are really...

Cool, cause they're...

They're brownies cut Into skinny rectangles.

It's kind of festive, For president's day.

You have nice hair.

Thanks. Do you want it?

I probably shouldn't eat it. I gotta lose a few.

See you, carm.

That went well.

Don't tell me you're asking That ken doll to the dance.

Carmen, I expect better from you.

Look at sam. She's not out chasing

The hubba-hubba studleys Just 'cause the media tells her

She should value A muscular torso.

Thank you. Instead, She's going with harrison.

What?

Don't be upset, My little anti-bicep.

I'm sorry.

Come on.

You know you're still my Favorite activist-in-training.

Mr. Sensitive.

Stone cold likes Them blonde with...

my name is mr. Calorie.

[mary] A talking scale?

[nicole] I know this company. It's a diet plan

Targeted specifically At unhappy teenage girls.

I saw it on a talk show Called horrifying trends.

Answered prayers.

Oh! Look!

There's an ample And tasty meal here

Of a celery stick And a bouillon cube.

And a dime-sized Breath mint for dessert.

Girls,

Our contest Begins right now.

This is our Stone cold battle headquarters.

Someone's got a lot of homework.

I'm working on An extra-credit essay

For english On franny and zoe.

I love that book.

Although it's not Salinger's best teenage symbol

Of america gone awry.

That would be...

Holden caulfield, catcher in the rye.

I reread that book Every summer.

I feel like holden, You know. Searching.

Slightly tortured.

Okay.

That's a little Bit too much information.

Actually, I think That we all feel like holden.

[car honks]

If I'm not mistaken, Holden was also horrified

And wanted to climb Into a hole and die

When his mom Picked him up from school.

Harrison.

Um...

Do you wanna go To the dance on friday?

Okay.

What do I do with the baggy? It looks like a bladder bag.

Stick it up your sleeve Like bobbi glass does With her kleenex.

Then what you do is empty it When it starts to slosh.

Next saturday have you Ready for wrestling

And lookin' good For the women.

Now, you wrap me.

Sugar, am I fat?

You could tell me if I'm fat.

Hey. Hello.

I tried To call you last night.

Oh, yeah. I went To the mall with carmen.

I bought this amazing dress. You're gonna flip over it.

It's a cross between

A new york jennifer Love hewitt and a hooker.

It was totally on sale.

What? You're not gonna be Embarrassed to be seen with me,

If that's what You're worried about.

No. You look great. You always look great.

Okay. I'll see you later.

Bye.

See you at lunch.

Dude, did you tell her?

Yeah. Yeah. Of course I did.

She didn't beat The hell out of you

When you told her You were forsaking

Her lack of curves For someone more...

Dream-bodacious than she?

No. She was cool.

Good man.

Owning up to That cherry tree.

Fight the tyranny, girls. Step on a real scale.

You should weigh At least 130.

The santa anas Would knock you over.

Gain ten pounds, okay?

Next.

I can't resist a weigh-in. Subtract at least a pound

For the acrylic nails And the underwire.

That's part of a bra.

You're too skinny, nicole. Look at the chart.

You're not At a healthy weight.

These charts were obviously Published in indiana.

Thank goodness We have mr. Calorie,

An accurate barometer Of our obesity.

Don't you girls get tired of Being so "Lookist" all the time?

You are just as misguided

As that stupid symbol on the Back of your cheerleader jacket.

The glamazon icon

Reflects the size-two contour That every girl should aim for.

That means you, Busty go lightly.

Yeah. Along with being eerily And heinously similar

To a trucker mud flap,

Your symbol is an officially Condoned image of anorexia.

Maybe you could be a role model.

Demonstrate how it's All about inner beauty for you.

I wonder if There's a way to prove

That you've managed To escape the media's influence.

Yes. Hello. My fair lily.

Stop squabbling And move this along.

I've got a crap burning A hole in my "Underroos."

I need an accurate weight gauge Before I eliminate.

I'm doing a personal Experiment on licorice.

Emory dick is no doubt available For friday night, lily.

Are you?

Tell you, what, hon.

If you actually appear In public with the little dick,

I will change The glamazon icon

To reflect that Of the average woman's Tragically dumpy proportions.

But...

If I can prove that happiness

Is related entirely to facade

By making This tuna fish over here

Into something Resembling that of a woman,

Then my glamazon archer Stays triumphantly cadaverous.

Hey. Emory.

Wanna go to the dance?

You're in luck, ms. Esposito.

I'm delighted to inform you That I'm still available.

Great.

Tuna!

Walk three paces behind me.

Let the record show

This is a war between Inner and outer beauty.

Next.

Don't tell lily, but I do Wanna ask josh to the dance.

It's not just because He is a babe.

But he's really nice.

I know you kind of liked him

After you gave Him that bali-hai.

I'm wondering if you still do.

Like josh ford? No. No. No.

Anyway, I'm going with harrison.

Great.

I was kind of wondering, Since you're a writer and all...

Help me find The words to ask him.

I'm not exactly a love genius.

You have to be better than me.

The last time I tried, we ended Up talking about lincoln logs.

Okay.

Let's think.

What does a gorgeous Person worry about?

They worry about people

Only liking them Because of their looks.

So, what I suggest you say Is something like,

"Josh, I know girls

"Usually go for you because Of your brawny shoulders

"And your tapered waist.

"But I know You're more than that.

"I see the boy in junior high

"Who stayed after school

"To help janine, The one-armed janitor,

Pick up the chairs Before she mopped the floors."

He actually did that?

Yeah.

Good god, that's hot. I've gotta get this down.

This is pathetic.

I could barely lift The bar on the last set.

Well, it's almost 50 pounds.

You're gonna feel it On the third set,

Particularly Since you're just starting out.

How long have you been lifting?

Since seventh grade.

I'm on the lookout For a date for the dance.

I gotta be working out.

You and brooke. You definitely over?

Lenny kaye put it best.

"It ain't over till it's over."

If I can just work Off this flabby ass

And get discipline,

I think she'll ask me.

You're probably going With mcpherson, huh?

Um... She asked me. Yeah.

Yo, scrub. This gym's Reserved for the men's.

What are you doing here?

Power walking. Getting in shape for my baby.

Seems the woman of my dreams Has been dreaming of me.

Ms. Lily esposito Has asked me to the dance.

She did, huh?

Good for you, emory.

Josh, can you Spot me again?

Yeah.

I suggest a dream girl Doubleheader.

You and brooke and me and lily And a hot tub limo.

Life doesn't get any better.

You're going with brooke?

How did you swing that?

Um, she asked me.

Nice job, scrub. Screwing over the dude

Who's saving your chicken neck From being squashed by the bar.

She was probably worried No one else would ask him.

As a matter of fact, Two women asked me, ford.

Well, how can They resist such an adonis?

You can't even lift the bar.

Let's go, sugar.

Wait. Josh.

Help.

A moment of your time. About friday night.

I hope you're going With a classic, sexy look

And not that east village Combat-boot-with-a-gown look.

Might I suggest A nice front-slit dress

To camouflage Your unsightly calves.

Maybe a velveteen choker to take Attention away from your head.

Which is slightly Too large for your body.

I'm gonna wear whatever The hell I wanna wear.

Got it, emory?

Why did you Invite me to the dance?

What's the matter with you? Why are you sweaty?

You invite me Out of pity?

Harrison, why would I pity you?

I'm not exactly in The josh ford category, am I?

Or... Am I?

What are you talking about?

Emory rented this hot tub limo.

Lily is begging us to Double-date so she doesn't have

To be alone with the dick.

You're going with sam? I Thought we were going together.

Harrison.

Brooke asked me. But I was going to tell you.

When? When? When you showed up To our house with two corsages?

I didn't wanna Hurt your feelings.

It's a little late for that.

Oh, crap. This is a mess.

So, who are you gonna take?

Yeah, harrison. Who are you taking to the dance?

Sammy. Hey.

I would love To go to the dance.

But nobody's asked me. What should I do?

Josh, Don't do this. Okay?

What? You said I was free to go With anyone I want. Remember?

Sam.

I know a lot of girls go for you

Because of your brawny shoulders And your tapered waist...

Great. I'd love to go with you.

Oh!

Why harrison of all people?

Could it be because, Oh, I don't know,

He belongs to me,

He's been My best friend for years?

Oh, I guess I missed That luggage tag.

I didn't see The "S" branded on his ass.

While you're moving your pawns Around your chessboard,

You should remember harrison Has real feelings for you.

I am the one doing The right thing here,

Not the superficial Thing, like you.

Harrison possesses the qualities That I should be looking for.

He's sweet. He's literate.

He doesn't spend more time On his hair than I do.

What I don't understand

Is why you're going with a guy You have no feelings for.

A guy you've always Considered to be some dumb jock.

Who says I don't have feelings For josh that are real?

Do you?

Good for you, sam, For going for it.

You sneak into my closet And you wear my clothes.

Why shouldn't you go after All my hand-me-downs?

You see. You still like him.

You're worried That you made a mistake.

You can't handle He's going with me to the dance.

Brooke, you're so transparent.

Fine. All right.

Just to prove I have him out of my system,

Let's all go together.

We'll do some fun, slammi''

Emory dick hot tub action.

- fine. - fine.

- good. - done. Whatever.

I'm really looking forward To going with josh.

He's ready For someone more mature.

Mature? You? Please. You still wear training bras.

Well, if that isn't the pot Calling the kettle flat.

So, ladies, a little birdie Told the fox here

That you popular teases Got a little gamble going.

I'm the brass ring At the end of a bet.

Makes me feel Like a piece of meat.

I like that feeling.

Just remember, stone cold.

I like my meat rrr-rare.

Hey, stone cold.

Are you familiar With a country called ecuador?

'cause I could Buy it for you.

When am I getting An invite, ladies?

Listen, stone cold. Keep the faith.

Show up at the dance Ready and oiled.

One of us Will glide toward you.

Take you By the hand.

Feel you up.

That's the lady that done Brung you to the dance.

All right. See ya.

You know, I was thinking.

The new glamazon icon.

We should go With a woman of substance.

Say, I don't know.

Mm. Janet reno.

The novak, after school.

Final weigh-in And makeover. Be there.

[carmen] I chickened out. I couldn't ask him.

But I've got a new strategy.

I go stag.

Josh goes stag.

I show up Super-empowered and casual.

I happen upon him At the punch table

And invite him To shake his groove thang.

Yeah, but Josh isn't going stag.

Oh, my god.

Please, don't tell me That they are back together.

Don't tell me that I miss the 15 minutes

When he and brooke Were actually broken up.

He isn't going with brooke.

He's going with sam.

She didn't tell you.

I asked if you were over josh And you said you were.

I was, but I didn't Wanna get in your way.

And you never asked him.

Hello. I tried Time and time again.

Not all of us are endowed With your quicksilver tongue.

You're such a hypocrite.

Carmen, he asked me, okay?

Look. I'm coming clean here.

I did the asking. But he told me to ask him.

Carmen, I wish it didn't Turn out this way.

I wish josh were going With you, but...

But he's not. He's going with you.

Yeah. I'm ashamed to say that I actually wanna go with him.

It makes me feel...

Pretty.

Right?

I'm so sick of being the girl With the personality.

I hate my thighs.

Me, too. I hate my thighs.

Yeah. Well, I hate my skin.

Yeah. Well, I hate my mouth.

And I hate my fat hands.

I hate my body.

I gave her a blow-out

That would have straightened The pacific coast highway.

That's scary. April tuna Is the black hole of beauty.

No!

She's the ultimate Makeover challenge.

Listen up, chicken of the sea.

Our glamazon icon,

Our very lifestyle philosophy, Is at risk here.

And I don't lose. Got it?

Get ready to strike A pose. Or else.

Oh, dear god.

Please let My invisible pill kick in.

Harrison, I left my corsage.

Could you pin it on me Before we get to the dance?

Yeah.

Sure, brooke. Great.

Glad to help.

Such a gentleman, huh?

Is something wrong? Ow.

No. No, it's cool.

Just a little stiff.

Yeah, I bet you are.

I'm gonna tell you once. Watch your mouth.

Sam, you look absolutely Beautiful in your dress tonight.

We're gonna dance Our asses off.

I can hardly wait.

[hissing]

Um...

Sorry. I was just cold.

Ow. Ow. Ow! Ow.

Ow.

Okay. That's it! Stop the car.

Harrison, you and I Are gonna finish this right now.

[tires screech]

Bring it on.

Harrison.

My god.

Couldn't even wait till The bed was cold, huh?

That the best you got?

I expected more From mr. Big man on campus.

I don't see you throwing Any punches, james dean.

Are you okay?

No, I'm not.

It's this sweat-it-off system. I'm dehydrated.

It's my 18th baggy.

Well, I've been working out For three days straight.

It hurts to breathe.

Now what?

Drive.

Wait. What happened?

Harrison popped me in the jaw. Didn't you, harrison?

Yeah. Yeah, I did. I'd do it again.

Harrison, you fought?

He deserved it.

Interesting. I hate violence.

Ladies, the final weigh-in.

Mr. Calorie, The results, please.

your results, heifers, are identical.

Damn! We weigh The same again.

It's because we haven't eaten Anything in three days.

I never should have snuck That sip of water last night.

Who gets stone cold If it's a draw?

Girls, I have a proposition.

I have here in my insanely Expensive mink evening bag

The strongest laxative The world has ever known.

Only the pentagon And an elephant keeper

At the national zoo Know its secret formula.

Its street name,

Convulse.

Is it safe? Not that it matters.

Not as safe as an h-bomb. But it's effective.

Now we all...

Take equal doses and weigh in At the dance in one hour.

Whoever has the most successful Diuretic experience

Wins the stone cold booty.

Do we agree?

Nic, grab your wild-eyed Eliza doolittle.

Tuna!

Let's roll.

Come on, frankentuna.

Time to show off Our experiment

And get lily to kiss My triumphant ass.

[whistles]

Okay. Where's stone cold?

When he sees How good we look,

He'll be putty In our hands.

[mary] Mirror, Mirror on the wall,

Who's the fairest Of them all?

I am. I feel pretty. Pretty horny.

Are you okay? You feel kinda hot.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Okay.

You think brooke And harrison will figure out

The only reason we're here is Strictly for revenge purposes?

No. I think We fooled them.

[hissing]

Did you eat something You're allergic to?

Um... Excuse me.

Um... Do you wanna dance?

Um. I'd love to. But I...

I can't turn my neck. I'm so stiff.

I think I'm paralyzed. Oh, my god.

Should we call an ambulance?

This is self-induced. I lifted too much.

To impress you and myself.

Harrison.

You didn't need to change Your body to impress me.

Didn't I? I've been standi'' In front of you for years

And you never Noticed me as me.

Why the sudden change?

You're right.

I guess this wasn't Very well thought out, was it?

So I was just a pity invite.

No, harrison.

Not at all.

Oh, god. I keep Thinking that...

I can either have...

Physical attraction or Intellectual attraction.

But I can't have both. My problem is

That I need to stop Being so biased

And stop compartmentalizing.

I'm in the brains department But not the hot bin?

Would you wanna Go out with me,

You know, date me If I wasn't...

If you weren't pretty?

Yeah.

Thought so.

I'll go get you Some advil, okay?

We'll do this Another night.

Where is lily?

And tuna And stone cold.

Oh, my god!

Is convulse also A hallucinogenic?

Tuna! What are you doing?

Lose the facade, We lose the bet.

My date objected To the beauty industry

Slight of hand.

He was willing to buy me as is.

[all] Your date?

Tired of woman who only see me For my muscular definition.

April tuna is the first Woman to see my soul.

[gurgling]

Josh, would you like to dance?

Josh?

Josh.

Okay. So let me Get this straight.

You tell me That my legs suck

And that I have A lollipop head.

Yet, you're The one who's hurt.

Just because you have

Special aquaman-hearing Or whatever you call it

And you heard me say I wished I was invisible?

Look. I say dumb things, okay?

Around women As beautiful as you,

I'm awkward.

Emory, come on.

Let's just go dance, okay?

Only in the shadows, right?

So no one really knows That you're with me.

No. Come on. You're totally overreacting.

Am I? Look me in the eye. Tell me it's not true

The only reason you're going With me to this dance

Is because I'm just a political stance.

Thought so.

Here.

I'm ducking home.

But I wanted you To have these.

Beautiful flowers For a beautiful lady.

At least on the outside.

I feel like I just smoked 75 cigarettes,

Drank a dozen pots Of french roast

And topped it off With jalapeño nachos.

I feel like I just gave birth

To every Internal organ I have.

And all this For what?

A hunk of metal and a guy Who flunked long division.

Girls, maybe, uh...

Maybe it's time we end This scale's tyranny

Over our otherwise Happy-go-lucky adolescence.

ow.

What the hell Is in your purse?

A sledgehammer?

Yes. I carry it in my bag

In case I stroll by a car That's more expensive than mine

So I can give A little offender a good ding.

You thinkin' What I'm thinkin'?

Mr. Calorie...

It's hammer time.

Sip your o.J. Slowly, joshua.

Your blood sugar Is gonna be fine in no time.

Yes, ma'am.

Wow. This is a fun dance Where nobody dances.

But we had quite An evening. Eh, gang?

Sweat baggies.

Elephant laxatives.

A hindenburg Lingerie disaster.

Lifting weights To the point of paralysis.

Do you really think Those things

Make you more attractive To the opposite sex?

Damn. Did they leave?

Oh, no. No, principal hall. I'm sorry.

I guess... To answer your question,

I think We do these things

Because we all Just wanna feel loved.

I am not young. I am not thin.

And I suspect

I look nothing Like the women in the magazines.

But my beloved husband, olaf, Fell in love with me.

All right. I lost my sight

To diabetes Four years ago.

And when I did, a dark shadow Fell over my life.

I thought My life was over.

And then olaf walked in To my support group

And my curse Became a blessing.

Because for the first Time in my life,

I learned That in a perfect world,

A person falls in love Not because of a pretty face...

But because of a heart.

[whistles]

[♪♪ slow doo-wop]

Cecilia, baby. They're playing our song.

May I have this dance?

Oh, well. This is a dance.

Somebody's got to do it.

♪ forever ♪

♪ we will be together ♪

Carmen, May I have this dance?

♪ like the poets all say ♪

♪ forever and a day ♪

Hey, lily.

Hey.

Time to bargain.

If we did fashion A kinder, gentler glamazon,

Could you live with 135 pounds And a size eight?

A-cup?

C.

Not budging On that one, hon.

Deal.

All righty, then.

♪ forever and a day ♪

♪ forever and a day ♪

♪♪ [saxophone solo]

♪ to bend and not to break ♪

♪ chin up, try not to quake ♪

♪ I'm grinning on the outside ♪

♪ but I'm a wreck internally ♪

♪ ooh, la la la la ♪

♪ ooh, la la la la ♪