Original subtitles

Thank you.

Hello, this is Maisie Revere over at the Lyceum Theatre.

Is it... No, I don't want to talk to Miss Revere. This is Miss Revere. Is

Professor Alford there?

a dark, foreign -looking party named Orko. O -R -C -O, Professor Orko. Is he

there?

Well, are you sure?

No, he's not a college professor. He's a knife thrower.

Yeah, yeah. Skip the gags, mister.

Don't let my voice fool you. I don't look that good.

Listen, take a look in the booths, will you?

minutes to get him here. Then the act goes on or else.

Oh, gee, wouldn't this have to happen just when things were beginning to perk

up? Yeah?

Oh, he isn't.

And that was my last hope, practically. Well, thanks for your courtesy.

Oh, gee, where is he? You're asking me. Wait. I'll call his hotel again. Give me

a nickel, will you?

Not me.

No more.

Flo.

Flo.

She's run off.

She leave me.

For what?

For that pig of a piccolo player.

I kill myself.

No, no, no, Professor. Give me that. Come on. Women.

I hate all women. Oh, sure.

Sure, I know it's tough when your one and only ditches you for somebody else.

Don't I know? But don't take it so hard.

yourself together. You got it. We're on. No.

I'm finished.

Goodbye. Listen, you greasy ham.

You leave me holding the sack for my main attraction and I'll see that you

get another booking from here to the coast.

Booking?

So I finished with her.

I finished with women.

All women in the world.

you'll be all right. Just go out and knock them dead. Yeah.

Dead.

Yeah. Don't overdo it.

Ladies and gentlemen, Professor Orko, who has performed before the crowned

of Europe and Asia, will now amaze you with his knives and nerves of steel.

Calling each and every shot, the only artist to do so,

My anatomy.

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Professor Orko.

Who's this?

First,

little epaulette.

Right shoulder.

Say, I thought he said right shoulder.

Yeah.

Next. Little epaulette on left shoulder.

Next.

Skirt on right side.

And left, sir.

There she go!

Waiting for a return match with Custer?

Nah, that's the name we current for him.

They're around here steady all the time, waiting for phone calls.

Hey, can't afford an office.

If they had an office, they'd probably move a bed and a desk in it.

If they had an office, a desk, a bed.

An up -and -coming exterminator could make a fortune around here.

First time I've ever seen termites using a telephone.

Hey, you're a performer, ain't you?

Sidekick. Here.

Take this hearing board upstairs.

Sticky potato never offers up there. And I say, anything for me today?

Tell them Ears sent you.

No kidding?

Sure. Mention my name, you get first call.

What's the connection?

Well, I make myself a comfortable dollar that way. I do a lot of footwork for

the performers, and my cut's 10 % of 10%. Okay. Where can I contact you?

Well, I'm around here all the time. Ears Coughlin is the name.

Used to be a big -time wrestler.

Used to wrestle barefoot.

Told me toes would give out.

for 26 years. Catches catch can and no holes barred.

But thanks a million and the next time I see you I hope I owe you 10%.

Okay, Joe, that's enough.

Harvey, have you got anything for me today?

Gears sent me.

Sure.

Step right in. I can use you.

Well... Certainly.

Right now, I'm expecting a call from a big theater owner in St. Joe.

He'll need four acts and a line of girls.

Well, I've got several right -up -to -the -minute routines.

Have you ever heard of Frolly's Frolics? Broadway production?

Well, not exactly. Then I wouldn't know.

Now I'm also expecting a big nightclub operator from Chatsboy to pop up here at

any minute. Among others.

I urge you to sit down and wait.

It'll be a pleasure.

Thanks.

Hiya there, beautiful.

Oh, say, Cecil.

When you was cleaning up, did you see that letter from MGM about casting their

super musical?

You got it right there in your hand.

Huh?

Yeah, that's right.

You know, I discovered the little girl they're going to star in that

Oh? Mm -hmm. She dropped in here one day, just like you.

And I spotted talent all over her.

So I rushed her out to the coast, and since then, Hollywood keeps bothering me

all the time.

Say, how long you been waiting around here?

Today? Yeah.

Only about three hours.

So far.

Stick him up, everybody, or I'll blast you right out of your seats.

Come on, get him up!

That's me, folks.

Hap Hicksby, the laugh bandit. I'm holding you up for five, Mr. Pod.

Ah, you see what I mean?

That's the old happy shakedown. I'm a one -man war, an old man gloom.

Now, just sit back, soaps. I mean, folks.

Get ready to laugh your sides off. Look here, this is a very busy office. Oh,

not half as busy as it's going to be when you start booking my act. No, no,

till you see it before you say yes. Now, the boys in the orchestra bit, give me

the old razzmatazz.

Big fanfare, see? Now, the curtain shoots up and I'm standing there.

Quick to get their attention and unloosen their stays, I wick, I mean, I

out a deck of cards, see?

Then I ask a pretty girl in the audience to come up and select one.

Oh, there's a pretty girl, a very pretty girl. I pick them, don't I? Oh, you're

a nighter, Jack.

Come on, take a card.

Take any of them. I'd like to oblige, but I'm taking a powder at the moment.

Hey, that's good. Can I use that in my act, huh?

Here, come on, be a trooper, take a card.

go would be the cue for Chopin's funeral march.

Hey, don't leave. You're missing the best part.

Am I?

Well, that's the first break I've had today.

One side, glamour boy.

Oh, Miss.

Remember me? No.

Were you dancing in a review at Seal Beach about three years ago?

Wasn't it a hula number you did with a dark -complected guy to play the

Yeah. I thought so.

Remember you picked off a beer bottle out of a lady's hand just before she let

loose and crowned a guy at a table with it? Oh, yeah.

Meet that same fella.

Her name's Goodring. Well, what do you know?

I know for three years I've been wanting to shake the hand that grabbed that

bottle. Down?

Going down?

Yeah.

I'm so glad you happened by at the right moment.

Well, did you get rid of your lady friend okay?

No. Mrs. Goodring and I are still together.

In Cicero.

Oh.

Cicero. Yeah, she likes her schools for the kids.

For five of them.

Well, it's been nice bumping into you, Mr. Goodring, but I've got to be running

along. Matinee?

Uh -uh.

I'm not working right now.

A performer of your talent didn't ought to be laying off.

You sure you're not confusing my buck and wing with my grip on a beer bottle?

No, no. I recall the act distinctly.

Oh.

Well, maybe I'll get a break one of these days. Right now, I sprinkle wolf

powder around the front door.

Wolf powder, huh?

Well, so long. Say, I got a business proposition. Might interest you.

Proposition? Yeah.

Step into my office and we'll discuss it. What? You know, it is a complicated

thing to own and manage this building, which is what I do.

Yeah.

Recently, I've been looking around for an assistant.

Oh, a man, I expect.

Man or lady, irregardless of sex. Step in.

Sit down.

Thanks.

You know, only today I advertised.

All morning, I've been interviewing parties, and not one met the

Now, I was thinking, if you'd care to take on this job... Oh, gee, offhand,

sounds okay.

But what would the job pay about?

I'm not above taking her cut, goodness knows, but I can't leave go of my

standards completely.

The pay is not high.

Twenty a week.

Twenty a week.

Well, it's not high, but then again, it's not frugal.

Mr. Goodring, you got a new assistant.

Good. When do I start working? You're working right now.

Well... You can leave your things here.

Okay.

Well, now that everything's fixed up so nice, I'll admit I was pretty close to

the end of my rope.

Yeah.

I'll show you the way the building is laid out. Okay.

I lock up since the day I returned to find the desk missing.

Here's the last one.

Art, in many ways, turns the most legitimate dollar in the building.

All acts have got to have costumes.

Even if it's only a bubble.

Art, meet my new assistant, Miss... Revere.

Maisie Revere.

Miss Revere.

To him, everybody's a character. And all characters make him laugh.

That deal is still cooking, fella.

But the end of the week, sure on debt rent.

That heel has no deal, Cookham. Nor will he pay up no rent.

Turn him upside down any time, and there will fall out only dust.

Well, I've got a sharp ear for malarkey.

Here you'll need it.

As the tenants get fewer and the heels think up new alibis, I grow to look more

and more, as has been said about me, like an oyster on a half shell.

How about that two -and -a -half -pack rent, Pappy? Accept my check until

Saturday. Perhaps the little lady would be interested in some hawk tickets.

Very cheap. She's a friend. She's a friend.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Denver, Colorado.

Mr. Bedring, how come you took that check?

It's six to an even. Nobody like him has a bank account anywhere, let alone

Denver, Colorado.

It's politeness.

And now he knows I could send him to jail.

Would you?

I'm unapt to.

Which explains some of my troubles.

Pardon me. Could you tell me where I could find Mr. Goodring?

You mean the young man with the old face? Right over there.

Oh, well, thank you very much. All right. Nothing at all. Nothing at all.

Pardon me. Mr.

Goodring? Yeah.

Oh, well, that gentleman said that you were the person to see about renting an

office. That's right. What did you have in mind? A cubicle?

Well, I'd like something a little larger than that. Have you a suite vacant?

Why, yes. Mr.

Goodring, is that a coincidence or is that a coincidence?

One of our most desirable suites was only just vacated. The party had to go

south for government matter. Now, if you'll just step this way, Mr...

Denningham. Marshal Denningham. Oh, well, I'm Mr. Goodring's assistant, Miss

Revere. How do you do, Miss... How do you do? Now, if you'll just come this

Why, yes.

Come right in, Mr. Denningham.

I want to pitch you this with your own drapes and desk and all.

One thing, in summer you'll never be uncomfortably hot in here on account you

don't get the glare from the street.

Pardon me, Mr. Denningham, but how did you happen to come here looking for a

place? Well, frankly, I need a suite, and I thought from the appearance of the

building that this rent might be within my budget.

Incidentally, what does this rent for?

Forty dollars.

Forty dollars?

Yes, forty dollars.

Well, I think that's very fair indeed.

I can't afford a high rent because I want to put everything I can into the

proper marketing of my product.

Will a half month's rent down be satisfactory?

Well, that's perfectly okay. Good.

All right. Well, then I'll move my furniture in this afternoon.

You know, I think I'm going to be very cozy here.

Well, we hope so.

Goodbye, Mr.

Denningham, if I'm not too nosy. Oh, not at all, my dear. I bottle and sell a

mineral water with very fine health -giving qualities, exceptionally fine. I

call it Denningham Sapphire Water.

Oh. Oh, by the way, where can I get some printing done and a sign for the door?

Right here, right in the belly. Oh, well, that's wonderful.

Well, goodbye, Miss Revere. I'll see you again. Goodbye, Mr. Denningham.

Goodbye.

Oh, goodbye, Mr. Goodring. I'll see you again, too, of course.

Goodbye.

A strictly legitimate character in a swarmy suite.

A $20 bill on the line.

New England yet.

Miss Revere, I would be pleased if you would eat lunch at Jasper's as my guest.

Oh, I really didn't have a thing to do with it.

You have an appeal for a legitimate party like Mr. Dunningham.

What do you recommend today?

Blue plate special, stew.

Again?

Sounds well.

I'd like a two.

All right, I'm buying.

Oh.

Is it my looks or a stiff neck?

It is the result of watching the customers.

Jasper takes it for granted that performance is always broke.

Jeff Yoden wanted a telephone.

Telephone for Yoden.

Hey, what about this check?

Get up later, Jasper. Sure.

Hear that?

Later.

That means never.

If that here wasn't called to the phone, he'd have to sit there and eat salami

sandwiches for the duration.

Well, then why didn't that fellow run after him?

Because the rest of the mob would disappear like a cannon was shot off.

Poor Jasper. He makes a very hard dollar out of this place.

Hello, beautiful.

Friend of yours?

Uh -uh. I take my corn with lima beans.

What's yours?

Anything as long as it's a cheese sandwich and a glass of moo juice.

Happy Good Ring. You want it on the phone?

Pardon me.

I'll be right back.

Never mind wrapping it up. I'll eat it here.

Hey, this is cheese.

That's what you ordered.

Correct. The gentleman is absolutely correct. Would you like to try for the

question?

Here, take a card. Pick any card. Go ahead. No, tell me what it is.

Oh,

where are you going? Right here, brother. At the end of the line. Ding,

Ding, ding. You don't get off without paying.

Who, me?

He thinks I'm like the cross -eyed man who got arrested for burglary. He just

looked crooked.

You get it?

Say, is this seat taken? No, sit down. Thanks, I don't mind if I do.

Some sugar, sugar?

That's guaranteed to sweeten the disposition.

Listen, funny man, you've been looking for somebody to swatch you ever since

flew in.

So before there's a nasty accident, pull your comical gags elsewhere.

Oh, gee, I didn't mean to make you mad. No kidding. I'm sorry.

Gee, I thought I'd hand you a laugh. Always went over big back home. Well,

why don't you go back where you're appreciated?

Give me another cup. Black.

Yeah, put it on my check. I always pay for my mistakes. Well, that should keep

you broke most of the time.

See,

I like the way you snap back into those quick ones.

But I'm not kidding about the way I go over back home.

Where's that?

Up in Dartsville.

Dartsville? Yeah.

Well, that explains a lot.

You're an actress, aren't you?

Sure you are. You got that N -D -G -W -W written all over your face. You know

what that means?

New Deal for the Great White Way.

I just made that up. Good, huh?

Good. Uh -uh.

Boy, you'd kill me.

Hey, look, honey child, why don't we team up?

You'd fit swell in my act.

Well, with your brains and my beauty, we'd kill him.

No kidding. You just say the word.

Just say the word. Just say the word.

No, I've always been a clean -spoken girl.

Oh, come on. Look,

I started my professional career at the age of ten.

I was then billed as baby Marie O 'Connor. I opened playing jada on an

accordion, and my finale was a takeoff of Al Jolson only on roller skates. Gee,

I thought you were cute. My career closed last night in a storm of flying

cutlery. What happened in between is best forgotten, but it was plenty.

This morning I got a job, a regular job, as assistant to Mr. Goodring running

this ant palace. So let me assure you, I couldn't be happier.

Oh, but you can't give up show business. You got vaudeville in your blood.

Oh, so that's where it went.

Well, you take vaudeville and 20 points, and I'll take a square meal in the

stomach. The answer is no, Buster.

I was keeping it warm for you. Grab it while it's hot.

Sorry, Miss Rivera.

Mrs. Goodwin was on the phone.

Mr. Goodwin!

Yes, Mr. Stickwell? I have just come from the third floor.

The tenant in 302 is cooking again.

I will speak to him, Mr. Stickwell. But it's next to impossible to separate that

character from liver and onions. But I will speak to him. While I act as

receiver in bankruptcy for this building, there will be no cooking and

sleeping in the cubicles.

The tenement laws will be obeyed...

Well, look, I'm all through, Mr. Goodring. How about me going up and

the liver fryer? Did you say 302? Mr. Goodring will attend to this matter.

Oh, well, I guess you don't know. I'm Mr. Goodring's new assistant.

Mr. Goodring engage you?

Yes, just this morning. I, uh... That's right, Mr. Stickwell.

But there are some angles I'll have to explain. Do you need a constant reminder

that a bankrupt makes no financial commitments of any sort?

Please be good enough to come with me to your office.

How about it, honey? I've got 15 minutes packed with laughs. Sure fire.

All the time I was running the drugstore back home, I was preparing myself.

Get a gag, polisher, give her the old twist -a -roo, and try it on a customer,

try it on Ed Willans, my partner.

Even Ed says I should sell the store and go into show business.

Look, I'll make it well worth your while. I've got capital.

There's the $5 ,000 I got for selling this store. With an act like mine, I

figure two or three months on the outside, then bang, radio, pictures,

nightclub. You know, a girl with your personality don't belong working in an

office building.

I know I'm always making with the gags, but I've got my serious side, too.

The minute I saw you, I said to myself, she belongs in the act.

Walk in.

Mr. Goodring, when you hired me this morning, I certainly never thought I'd

before the day was out, but the fact of the matter is something came up,

something in my own line that I can't afford to turn down, and so I'm afraid

I'll have to offer my resignation.

Well... Oh, I knew you wouldn't stand in my way.

Especially since no money changed hands.

So, I guess it's so long, and thanks.

Thanks for everything.

Good luck, Miss Revere.

And to you, too, Mr. Goodring.

Always.

Listen, won't you change your mind?

When two personalities like us click, well, they ought to team up, that's all.

Now, the way I've got the act laid out now, it's strictly me all the way, but I

could re -routine it so as to work in a specialty for you. Like a song, maybe,

while I'm changing for the rope spinning.

Oh, won't you please reconsider?

I'll even rent a place to rehearse in, and we'll start right now.

Who knows?

Maybe it's fate.

You, let me carry your bag, huh?

You like chicken?

Grab a wing.

So I got the $10 .50 for the rent right here in this here pocket.

Five skins of fin and four bits. May I drop dead if I'm not telling you the

truth, Pappy.

So I'm riding downtown in this trolley car, see?

And this guy's next to me. Oh, I beg your pardon, Mr. Goodring. I'll see you

later. Come right in, Mr. Denningham.

Nothing is going on here.

Monday, sure, Pappy, Monday.

Sure, sure, Monday.

Well, my two weeks are up and here it is rent day. That's right, Mr. Denningham.

Only you are the first tenant that has given the day any real meaning.

Forty dollars, is that right? That's right.

Walk in.

Hello, Pappy.

Oh, hello, Mr. Denninger. Hello, folks.

Draw a lucky number. Take two. Take three. Take the young folks. Take the

The mayor of the Moria. Oh, boy.

Come again?

Translated, that means we're trying out the act tonight at Glenfield.

He's practically bought up the whole house. Nice going.

Well, isn't that fine?

Can you both come?

Regretfully, no.

The little woman's on the warpath again.

Uh -oh.

Well, keep your fingers crossed, pal.

For us, I mean.

How about you, sir?

Oh, what a shame. I have an important meeting tonight. But may I wish you both

the best of luck?

Well, just medium grade luck and I'll be happy.

Well, I've already ordered grade A. And that ain't for applesauce. That's A for

applause.

Well, you're looking more blooming than ever, my dear.

Well, thanks.

Just so long as my figure don't bloom in the wrong places.

Eating regular is getting to be a habit, thanks to my chum there.

Hey, that's progress, Pappy.

Start off chump and now it's chum.

Well, where do we go from here, fella?

We go right upstairs to rehearse.

If you can take your hand off your back long enough to write that check, fella.

Well, the hand is quicker than the eye, dear.

Beautiful things we should hang on to the rehearsal room for another week,

after tonight, in case we have to brush up on the act here and there.

Okay, now, what's my name and what year is it?

Oyster.

The resemblance is very strong today.

Ah, personally, that face looks good to me.

You been advertising lately in the wand ads with invisible ink?

Just act as it shapes up.

Do you still feel it's something you can't afford to turn down?

Well, maybe it wasn't such a bad move.

All things considered.

Catch this, Pappy. It won't bounce.

I'd lay anybody yards on that hat.

Now, come on, partner. Let's go to work. Okay.

Catch our exit.

You see what I'm up against, Pappy?

Right out of the top drawer, that gal. Yes, indeed.

And you know, I find myself drawn to the young man, too.

He's an okay kid, if slightly cracked.

Plenty more on the vault.

But he stays struck.

That's one for Ripley. It certainly is.

Oh, good heavens, 10 o 'clock. I've got to hurry along.

Good day, Mr. Goodring. Same to you, Mr. Denninger.

Okay, sure, diploma. Let's go right through the way we're going to do it

tonight. Okay. Boy, they sure got a kick out of that exit we made.

Listen, Joe Miller, I'm a professional trying to whip a strictly amateur rat

into something like shape.

I've liked you in spite of your corny tricks, but when you pull something like

this at a time like this... Well, don't throw it. No, I suppose it'll explode.

No, go ahead and open it up.

Oh, Hapsy, what am I going to do with you?

I thought it'd be kind of a good luck charm if you wore it tonight.

Do you like it?

Like it?

It's exquisite.

Oh, Hapsy.

Pardon the intrusion, if any.

I've been asking for a letter every day. Now that you've got one, you're too

busy to stop by and pick it up.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, I'll bet you are.

Well,

go ahead and read it. They don't mail summonses, honey.

Okay.

Not bad news, is it?

No, it's just a letter.

It's from Elsie, back in Dartsville.

Ah. The girl I'm engaged to.

Oh.

Am I intruding? Oh, no, talk.

I'm right here, Mr. Denning.

Miss Revere, my meeting for this evening has been canceled.

Am I too late to take that generous offer of a ticket to the show? Oh, no,

indeedy. I swear I didn't come... Mr. Denningham. Thank you. Thank you. You

one's enough.

He wouldn't like to escort a girlfriend, maybe.

Oh, mercy. What would an old batch like me be doing with a girlfriend?

I'm sure glad you're coming, Mr. Denningham.

Oh, I'm looking forward to it. Well, if you like us, give out with some of that

real New Hampshire applause now. I certainly shall.

And thank you again, young man.

All right.

Oh, and great success to the both of you. Great success.

Well, I'm glad he's coming.

Are you all set? All set.

Okay, let's take it from the beginning.

Okay.

Okay, I'm here in the front row.

Make your entrance.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Mind if I horn in, raise a little cane?

Well, if I stand here looking into your faces, I see that there's a lot of faces

that need looking into.

Everybody looks happy, but this young lady down the front row, you don't look

very happy, miss.

That's none of your business.

None of my business? How do you like that? That's just what my business is,

making people smile.

Now, if you'll step up here beside me.

No. No? No. Don't you ever say yes?

No. Not for a lollipop? No.

Not for a fur coat?

No.

Not for a brand new tire?

Coming right up.

Okay, I'm up beside you.

This is going to be fun for both of us.

You pardon me, miss. You don't know my name, but here's my card.

Okay, I take a card and it blows up in my hand. Ouch! That burns me up.

Now, I walk away and you catch me.

You're a fresh guy, aren't you?

Price is a daisy. Here, have a sniff.

No, you have a sniff.

And I squirt the water in my own face.

Okay, that's pretty good up to there, but we've got to speed it up.

Let's take it from the beginning. Okay, we'll take it from the beginning.

It's good, huh?

Miss Revere.

Well, where is the poor lad? Hello, Mr. Denningham. I don't know.

And the way he felt, he might do practically anything.

Oh, Pop.

Did Hep Hicksby go out?

Yep. Run past me like a swarm of bees was chasing him. Oh.

Make up and all.

Which way's the lake?

The lake? Yeah, yeah, the lake.

Why, the lake is miles from here.

Oh, thank heaven.

You don't think anything's happened to him? Oh, no. He's just probably trying

walk off his humiliation.

Oh, just so long as he don't walk off anything else.

Like a bridge.

I gotta find him.

Will you give me a call when you do locate him, my dear? Drop to your

Sure, sure.

You know, I don't know when I've taken such a liking to a young man.

He's... Well, he's the kind of boy I'd be proud to have for a son.

Yeah, that's part of it with me, too.

Yeah. But you know, I'd like to see him go into business.

Now, that's where he belongs.

Young fellow of that type would be a great asset.

Such energy and so likable.

Well, I'd take him into Denningham Sapphire Water Company in a minute.

Well, you will let me know, my dear, huh? Yes, and thanks a lot, Mr.

You've been more than lovely. Not at all, my dear.

Now, don't you worry too much.

a word to anyone.

I've been half crazy calling up, going over to your hotel.

For all I knew, you might have been... Oh, honey, you all right?

I'm sorry, Maisie. I had to get out of there.

I walked around and everybody on that train was laughing at me with all this

pain on their face.

Oh, poor little fella.

Oh, a fine actress like you getting mixed up in a thing like that.

I didn't know what it was.

I was fine in all those lights and those people.

I could never do it. I know that now.

Oh, Habsie, don't let a little thing like this throw you.

Why, tonight was nothing that could happen to anybody.

We'll try the act out someplace else.

Well, that's an awful tough audience, that Glendale audience, anyway.

It's a swell act, and you'll go great next time. No, I'm what you said,

an amateur. I don't belong in show business.

Oh, now, Habsie. Oh, don't kid me, Maisie.

You don't belong in the show business.

Never in a thousand years.

Well, I just wanted to apologize and say thanks.

So long, Maisie. You've been swell.

Where are you going?

Home, I guess.

Sure.

Sure, I guess that's best.

Your intended's there, and you can buy back into the drugstore.

Drugstore? Oh, no.

This is what I like, the big city.

Right off, I felt I belonged here.

Well, if you feel that way about it, why don't you stay?

Well, you said yourself I'd never be any good.

Well, just in show business. I only meant not in show business.

Oh, Hap, you've got plenty to offer. Don't kid yourself. Oh, you've got a

world of personality.

Now, I don't want you crawling back there feeling like you're a flop.

Public flopola number one, that's me. Oh, no, have.

Get into some business, that's where you belong, in some nice office with some

good firm.

No, I mean it. Why, only tonight Mr. Denningham said he'd love to have you

for him. Honest, he did have.

Well, he was only sorry for me. Well, sure, but that isn't why he said that.

meant it, and you know how sincere Mr. Denningham is. He's nuts about you.

I bet he is.

You don't believe me?

Well, come here and I'll prove it.

Hello? Oh, hello, Miss Revere. Did you find our boy?

Oh, I'm glad.

I certainly was worried.

Mr. Denningham, pardon me for asking, but what you said tonight about how

like to have Hap work for you in your business, remember?

Well, was that on a level or were you just feeling sorry for him?

Mr. Denningham, that's nice of you.

Well, that's the way I feel about it, my boy.

I'd like nothing better than to have you with me.

Oh, sweat.

Look, there's another thing. You see, Maisie's my partner. Oh, Hap, don't be

silly. Well, me folding up like that leaves her out of a job. Do you think he

could use her around the office, too? Hap.

Well, offhand, I just don't know what I could find for her to do.

I'll tell you what, boy.

You drop in and see me tomorrow. I'll be in all day, and we'll work something

out. Gee.

I'll see you the first thing in the morning, Mr. Denningham.

And thanks a million.

Oh, nonsense. Don't thank me. I'm doing myself a favor.

Good night, Hap.

Oh, my boy went home in old New Hampshire.

Wonderful feeling, I'm happy again.

I'm singing, yes, I'm singing in the rain.

Hap Hicksby, Vice President.

This is the payoff.

He's getting places in four weeks. Vice president and $2 ,500 worth of stock.

Denningham gave him $2 ,500 worth of stock?

Art, I can see you just don't understand big business.

Denningham's sapphire water stock is not cigarette coupons. You buy it.

$2 ,500?

There must be some water you got there.

Didn't you ever taste it?

Come here.

Good stuff, huh?

Get outside of that.

Denningham Sapphire water spoiled plain water for me.

It has got a very high class taste to it.

Gee, you can almost smell the pine trees in it.

Huh? Yeah, I think I'll buy some stock.

That is, if any of the characters ever pay me.

Well, you better hurry up, Art. It's going fast.

They got a married couple in there right now buying some.

Yeah? Oh, excuse me, Art. Sure.

App, I think you got something there.

Well? There it is, dear. Wonderful.

Yes, Mr. Dillon, and we're certainly gratified to number you among our

investors. Well, thanks, Mr. Denningham. Not at all. Goodbye.

Goodbye, Miss Dillon.

Pay us a visit real soon. Thank you, we will.

I'll show you folks to the elevator.

Well, it's been a great day for Denningham Sapphire Water. Miss and Mrs.

bought a very nice block of stock. Look at that, a thousand shares.

Gee. You know, Maisie, you and Hap are my good luck charms.

Oh, but you are.

That means a new wing on the bottling works.

Oh, gee, that's wonderful, Mr. Denningham.

You really got the go -ahead signal at last. Yes, indeed, my dear.

Full speed ahead.

I guess I must have read that line wrong.

Oh, Maisie, you do say the most amusing things.

You know, I've got a very warm, brotherly feeling for you.

Sure. I guess my family must have been cold -blooded.

When you hear the chime, it will be exactly chime for lunch on me.

Thanks very much, Hap. But I've got to get down to the bank with this check.

It's necessary to cover several improvements up at the spring.

Oh, and by the way, I've got a couple of other things to do. May take several

hours. So will you and Maisie carry on while I'm gone? I'll see you later.

Goodbye. Okay, Fred.

Do you think you'll get back in time for lunch?

Oh, I was just... Oh, where is my wandering mind tonight?

Oh, Hap, get out of that cornfield.

Hi, Sammy.

Hello, Missy. Oh, Biff. Hi, Art. Hello, kid.

Hiya, mate.

Hiya, gorgeous.

Hello, Izzy. Where is he? How are you?

What's cooking, Jasper? If you mean business, it's terrible, but on the

the blue plate special, stew.

That's for me. Yeah, I'll have the same thing.

Only leave out all the vegetables, wrap the rest of it up in a couple of slices

of bread.

Translated, he wants a beef sandwich.

Oh, what a comic.

Don't encourage him, Artie. He's feeling good enough already to be dangerous.

Ain't changed your mind about going back to show business, have you, beautiful?

Not me. I like being a lady tycoon.

Hi, Art.

Bone pressure.

You're looking sharp, son. When did you get out?

Sprung today.

Yeah? Come here.

I want you to meet a really colossal character.

Watch this.

Starts, Phil. Shake hands with a friend of mine. I'm glad to know you.

This is the bone crusher. He gets his name from mangling people's fingers when

he shakes hands.

They numb up. No feeling. Just like this. No, you don't.

I was just trying to show you a real gentle like. Well, I believe you.

Yeah, while the fingers is numb, he can slip a ring off, see? Yeah, that's why

I've been away for six months.

Well, I'll be seeing you. Okay.

Hiya, Pappy.

Well, hello, Pappy. Hiya, Pappy.

Come on, sit down here. I'm finished.

Yeah, pull up and cheer and cheer up. No extra charge.

Oh, hello. Hello, Pappy.

What's gonna be?

Double coffee.

How about the blue plate special, Stu?

Go ahead and try it. Try it. It's good today.

Cut meat in it.

No, just coffee.

Oh.

What's the matter, Pappy?

Stomach upset?

Yeah, among other things.

Stickwell again, huh?

Can't you figure some way to get that guy out of your hair?

He beat me to it.

What do you mean?

As of Tuesday, the Larsonie building is out of my hands.

For good and all.

Oh, but Pappy, how come this is your building?

Not legally.

When you are bankrupt, nothing is yours but troubles.

Now, what's the latest bad news? Pappy just got tossed out. What? Pappy, is

on the level?

How do you like that? Well, that is the pale. That's a tough break.

That's it, folks.

I'm moving.

But I'm leaving Stickwell the cockroaches.

Yeah, they can keep his telephone booths, too.

Well, he wouldn't be in this spot if any of you ever paid your rent.

And you didn't do yourself any good being so nice to me, either.

Well, no need to get upset.

Eddie Fledermaus, run it on the phone.

Just introduce me to this guy, Stickwell Pappy.

Just introduce me.

The sentiment is very appreciated.

But what comes, comes.

This is on the house, Pappy.

Well, thanks.

You certainly make a wonderful cup of coffee, Jasper.

Gee, Pappy, I don't know what to say.

I'm finding the same difficulty facing Mrs. Goodwin.

Yeah, that's going to be tough.

As I remember her, she's the emotional type.

So emotional, she's likely to head right for the divorce court.

In which case, maybe that ain't bad.

We'll be in the city.

Somebody ought to straighten out that stick well.

Stick well.

Come here. I want to talk to you.

Inside.

Well?

Well, what is it?

I'd be careful if I were you.

Yes, if I... If I were you, I'd be pretty careful what I said to people who

not a couple of jerks, as you seem to think, but the vice president and the

receptionist of the Denningham Sapphire Water Corporation, and don't forget it,

Mr. Stinkwell.

Stinkwell! The crack still goes.

And furthermore, this company is right now considering taking more office

Yeah, we may take over the whole third floor in time. Yeah.

You heard him. The entire third floor.

Well, what have you got to say to that, Mr.

Stinkwell? Well, that's splendid.

I'm delighted.

Delighted? Yes.

He's delighted.

What do you know about Denningham Sapphire Water, anyway? Well, I don't

much about it, and I had no idea it was doing so well. Did you ever taste

Denningham Sapphire Water? No. No, I'm afraid I haven't. I understood it wasn't

yet on the market. Well, when you taste it, you'll know why it's the biggest

thing in bottles. Here.

Well, you stay here. I'll get you a sample.

I knew, of course, this was an up -and -coming concern.

Up -and -going, you mean.

Did you or did you not hand Mr. Pappy Goodring his walking papers?

I discharged Goodring because he has proven entirely unsatisfactory. Oh,

not to this company he hasn't. All that has held the Denningham Sapphire Water

Corporation to this oversized mousetrap is Mr. Pappy Goodring.

Please stick well.

Your viewpoint is based entirely on personality, my dear young woman. Yeah,

what is there but personality, for crying out loud?

And I'm not your dear young woman. Here, drink this. It'll make a new man out of

you. Well, that's asking a lot of our product.

Now, now, a soft answer turneth away wrath.

Yeah, and a hard heart and a pig head turneth away a swell guy like Pappy. If

Mr. Denningham, who's the tenant here, has anything to discuss with me, I'm

every day.

Listen.

It happens that Mr. Denningham has gone to the bank to deposit some more than

substantial checks.

But Mr.

Denningham, being a broad -gauge type of man, and Mr. Denningham having not only

a brain, but a heart which is not shriveled up to nothing like the last

the box, if Mr.

Denningham were here, he'd say what I'm saying.

You mean that guy Stickwell fired you?

That's it.

Well, he ain't gonna get no service from me, I'll tell you that much.

Come on, Stink.

Easy does it.

Whoever built those doors must have been a gopher.

He's drunk as a skunk.

I have something to say.

Mr. Stickwell, I and you have had our last say. Oh, now, wait a minute, Pappy.

Hold your horse. Mr. Goodring, a great injustice has been done, but one that is

not irreparable.

I now see things in a different light. And that light is slowly dimming. Oh,

what are you talking about? He's been drinking nothing but pure, cruel

Denningham Sapphire.

Have you ever tasted Hemingdam Ham's sapphire water?

No. No? Then come with me.

Hey, you got an extra glass in there?

Outside haystack.

I even like you now.

A loving cup.

Pure, mumbling Hemingdam's sapphire water, Pappy.

You don't care if I call you Pappy, do you, Pappy? Granted, Mr. Stickwell.

Don't call me that.

Just call me Stinky.

Congratulations.

Me too.

Pat. Hmm?

That's sapphire water.

That wasn't sapphire water.

Nope. Oh, what was it?

Gin. Gin?

But I never touch it.

Well, I never touch it either.

Well, I never touch it either either.

Let's go outside and get some air. Okay.

No. No?

No. Because they're there, and we'd have to walk through them, and that would be

very rude.

Macy.

Yes? I like you.

Well, I like you, too.

Well, I like you more than you do me.

No, you don't. Yes, I do. No, you don't. Would you like me if I was stupid?

Well, don't I?

There's something I'd like to ask you, if you don't mind.

What? Well, it's nothing much.

Would you mind if I kind of put my arms around you?

No, I wouldn't mind.

You wouldn't?

No.

I think it's about time.

Gee. Oh, pardon me.

Thanks.

Oh, I get it.

Naked with the gags as usual.

Beep, beep. I'm a jeep.

Beep.

Beep, beep. He's a jeep.

I guess I just don't live right.

What have I got, a trout?

Hello, long distance.

How are you, long distance? How are all the little distances?

Guess who this is?

Hap. Yep.

Surprise.

Well, look, long distance, this is how it is.

I want to talk to Elsie.

I want to tell Elsie right now that she's a fine girl, but I don't love her.

I don't love her because... because I don't.

Because of Maisie.

Wouldn't be fair to be engaged to Elsie and be in love with Maisie, would it?

Hmm?

Sure, that's what I mean. That's not right. That's, uh, that's, um... That's

bigotry. You heard what she said.

Now let me talk to Elsie.

But don't make me talk to her mother.

There's an awful lot of her mother, if you know what I mean.

Hapsey, if you really mean all that, and you want to get the operator, dial

the dial, darling.

I wanted to see if you felt the same way.

Oh, Hapsy.

In spades.

I doodled.

No.

No? No.

In the morning, sober.

But she said I was the deal of the doll, darling. Yes, but after you've slept on

it. What on that?

Oh, no, no.

But if I was Elsie... and I was to call me up and I was the way you are now, I

wouldn't believe me. Understand?

No. But the first thing in the morning, for sure.

Right.

Maisie, I've got some very good news.

I beg to inform that I remain, as of today, reinstated by Mr. Stinky. Here it

is, black on white.

Hey, Pappy, about you staying on here, is that still okay this morning?

As good as gold.

I've been over to the Stickwell residence already.

And even with his headache, he was very friendly.

Well... You seem to feel okay this morning. Oh, I do.

I know I shouldn't, but I do.

Maisie, permit me to tend to my congratulations to both you and Hap.

For some people, I guess matrimony might be very all right.

Oh, thanks, Pappy.

Gee, I got to open up or Mr. Denningham will beat me in. See you later. Bye.

Is anything the matter?

Well, look, Maisie, I feel I owe you an apology.

Apology? For what?

Well, for the way I behaved yesterday. I don't remember everything that

happened, but... Oh, you don't remember, huh?

Oh, if I hurt your feelings or frightened you, gosh, I'm sorry, because

the last thing in the world I'd want to do.

Honey, you didn't frighten me yesterday, but right now you almost scared me to

death. Why? What did I do?

Well, I thought maybe everything looked different to you in the cold, gray dawn.

Oh, gosh, no. I've got a long -distance call in. Elsie didn't answer, but the

operator says she'd try again and then call me back.

Okay, sugar lump.

Oh, gosh, no.

Come here.

Hmm? Bend down.

Sapphire water.

H .P. Hicksby, vice president.

That's him.

Oh, excuse me, honey.

Oh, good morning, ladies. May I... Herbert!

Oh, darling!

Gee, Elsie, I thought you were in... Hasn't our boy a kiss for Mother Myra?

Oh, Herbert, you look pale.

You've been neglecting your health here in Chicago.

Well, I didn't know you were planning a trip. I thought you were in... Well,

when did you get in?

Darling, guess what?

What? Mama says we can be married right here in Chicago today.

Isn't that divine?

I'm so happy I could die.

Well, Elsie, we couldn't do that.

You see, uh... Oh, Maisie.

Miss McIntyre, my, uh... Miss Revere and... Elsie's mother.

How do you do? Hello.

Herbert, what do you mean we can't be married today?

I've got my trousseau and everything for my hope chest, but why can't it be

today? Well, look, Elsie.

Well,

there's a three -day law in Chicago.

Three -day law?

Yes, you have to wait three days before you can get married. My cousin Joe Latch

knows the mayor very well. We'll soon fix that up.

Darling, you've been a very bad boy about letters.

Do you know that you haven't written to me for three whole weeks?

I haven't been so busy with the showers and all. I would have fell off.

Oh, sweetheart.

It's so wonderful to see you again.

I'm so glad you're connected with a good firm, Herbert.

Hiya, Maisie.

Me for a glass of that Denningham sapphire water.

I wouldn't drink that if I were you.

Makes people say lots of things they don't mean.

Yes? You Marshal is Denningham? No, he isn't in just yet. Then you're Hicksby.

Yes, I am. Okay, come along.

You stay here and wait for Denningham. Okay. Would you let me know what this is

all about?

Come on, come on. The D .A. wants to see you.

Well, what for? I haven't done anything.

When do we go on? Lots of time. They'll be dancing a while yet. Then there's a

couple of speeches and a raffle.

Gee, we've had two shows already today.

And now a benefit on top of it. My feet hurt.

Honey, when you've been in show business as long as I have, you'll find out your

feet always hurt. Listen, a benefit like this here is strictly class. Don't do

the business no harm. No harm at all.

Yeah. We get a very refined type of audience when it's for nothing.

But these days you've got to do all you can.

All right if I take a peek outside? Why not?

He had shared a doll of a place.

I was in a flash act once that had... Oh, Miss Taylor.

Now, remember, you promised me a dance this evening. Clarence Greaves, I'd

to dance with you. But I'm so busy with my fashion show. Now, now. The most

charitable lady in all the Southland can spare a little charity for a devoted

admirer. Clarence Greaves, I can't resist you. I promise you the next

I'll be waiting right here. Sure enough.

What's the matter, honey? You see something?

I don't know yet.

speak to a party in Cicero, Illinois.

The name is Pappy Goodring.

What's the idea of calling up at this time of the night?

Oh, Mrs. Goodring, let me talk to Mr. Goodring, please.

Well, you wouldn't remember me, but my name's Maisie Revere.

Look, I'm in Georgia. What harm can I do from here? Let me talk to him.

Oh, hello.

Hello, Pappy. Honey, this is Maisie. I'm in Atlanta.

Atlanta?

What's the rap?

Oh, I'm all right. I'm not in jail.

Look, Pappy, is Mr. Denningham still around the Larson building?

No, he's not around, Maisie.

Starting so legitimate, Mr. Denningham turned out to be the biggest thief of

all. What?

Yeah.

That Denningham sapphire water was strictly phony. All that moolah he

he ran out with.

Haps, too?

Haps, also.

Added to which...

He got arrested for being a party to a swindle. They arrested Hap?

You mean Hap's in jail?

He's out on bail at present.

But his chances are not good, poor schnook.

Oh, but Pappy, they can't put Hap in jail. Haven't they got any sense?

Oh, how could they look at that face of his and think he'd cheat anybody?

Oh, and it was me got him into the whole thing.

That dirty Denningham.

Listen, Pappy, Denningham's here.

He's here in Georgia.

He's going by the name of Grease or something, and he's wearing a mustache.

Now, listen, I'll keep an eye on Denningham, and you call the police.

police or the district attorney or something, and tell them he's at the

Estate in Canfield, Georgia.

Sure, Maisie. I'll call the cops right away.

And they will doubtless get right in touch with the Lord down there.

Yeah, and I'll lead them right to the fat slug.

Pappy.

Have you seen Hap?

How is he?

Oh, he don't look good, huh?

Poor baby.

Did he get married?

As to that, I couldn't say.

The girl was around.

But if he got married when he got bail, I couldn't say.

Well, look, Pappy, you call the cops and I'll stay close to Denningham.

All right, sweetie.

Bye -bye.

them here by the dance floor.

Teddy Marbrains always gets so excited at these parties.

Well, hello, y 'all.

Well, y 'all haven't forgotten little me, have you, Melinda Calhoun? Oh, I

believe that. Oh, you have so.

Well, y 'all can just dance with me, that's what, and I'll forgive you.

isn't it? Delightful.

Well, my soul and body, our declared goodness is Uncle Clarence.

Oh, pardon me for being so downright bold, but Mr. Greaves is my daddy's

friend in this entire world, and I never was so happy to see anybody in all my

born days.

Nice to see you again, my dear.

Um, Mrs. Taylor, this is... Melinda Calhoun, Mrs. Taylor.

Oh, and Mrs. Taylor, be a honey lamb and trade partners, will you? This

gentleman there does like nothing in this entire world. And I've just got to

talk over to old Tom and Mr. Greaves.

Thank you, sugar.

Uncle Clarence, it's been a clean day.

Why, I never dreamed about this, y 'all, down here.

Especially with a mustache.

Well, that only goes to prove what a little old little world we live in.

Don't give me away, Denningham.

I'm asking you as a pal.

What are you up to?

Oh, well, I got a deal cooking that'll set me for life.

A deal?

You've got a deal?

Oh, Maisie, I never guessed.

Well, call the draw.

I never pegged you either. I had half all lined up for myself till you beat me

to it.

Well, bless your heart.

Why, we should have teamed up and really taken him. You know, I always did like

you, Maisie.

Yeah.

Like a brother.

Little teeth.

What are you working on down here?

Well, that fellow I was dancing with. He's fallen slow but sure.

I've got mine, Lollipop.

By the time I pull out of this town tonight, it'll be clean as a new shaved

neck.

You're landing out tonight?

Yeah, about an hour.

Want to come along?

Honey, we have a lot of fun.

Well, yeah,

that's an idea.

Let's go over to my hotel and talk it over.

Wonderful. And we'll crack a bottle of Denningham Sapphire water.

One scotch and soda and

one root beer. Oh, I'll get that. Oh, no, Uncle Clarence. Your money's no

Give me a pencil. Yes.

I didn't know you had such a long name, my dear.

Well, what's in a name, Mr. Greaves?

Your tip is on there.

Yes, ma 'am. Thank you very much.

Well, here's to crime.

Here's to us.

Sit down. Make yourself comfortable.

Oh, honey, there's no time for that. I've got to catch a train.

Are you coming with me?

Well, I've got this pigeon ready to base, and I kind of hate to leave him.

baby, it's up to you.

Because as much as I like you, Maisie, and I like you even better now that I'm

wise to you, if you don't make up that smart little mind of yours in a hurry,

I'm on my way.

because they're liable to make it hot for me here any minute. Now, it's yes or

no. Well, I'll admit it's awful tempting, but I'm... Now, no but, sugar.

no.

Well, maybe I am silly waiting for this local joke to pay off.

From what I can get on him, there are a couple of coal mines and a railroad, but

who knows, maybe they're in his wife's name.

It's a gamble, but with you...

Okay.

Wonderful. Then we're a team.

Now, how about sealing that bargain with a little brotherly hug? Oh, what about

that train we've got to catch? What time?

Oh, 11 .30. Oh, gee, it's 10 .02 now. I've got to get packed.

Now, let me see. What does that do with my suitcase?

Oh, excuse me, Mushy. It's probably in there.

All right, honey.

Wonderful feeling, I'm happy again.

You find it, honey?

No, but I'm looking.

Well, come, come, come, honey. Time's a -wasting. Oh, yeah, well, the shelf. I

thought it was on the shelf. Well, it's not here, but this thing.

Oh, yeah.

Well, now, let me see. What did I do with that silly thing? I just... Oh,

I'm a dope. It's under the bed.

Will you get it for me in my seat? Of course I will.

And it's way under. Yes, well, I always put them way under.

Oh, come in.

What's the trouble? Oh, brother, I thought you'd never get here.

Well, there it is.

Marshal Denningham or Clarence Greaves or you name it.

Marshal Denningham.

Oh, sure.

We just got a call from Chicago to pick him up.

Prowl card has just gone out to the Taylor estate for him.

It's a nice... Don't be honest kid being held for trial on account of him.

Maisie, you are a rogue.

You ought to know.

All right, come on, come on. Oh, just one moment, I'll see.

To you, my sweet, it's a shame. It would have been a lot of fun.

My boy, crime does not pay.

Nice going, Sam.

Yes, and when I read that message calling the cops quick, my legs almost

to rubber. Shh, that's allowed.

Somebody might weave you into a tire. Yes.

Hey, you know, I wish we could wear these kind of hats all the time. Those

hats they give us. Whatever way you tilt them, that's the way you walk for the

day. Yeah.

Nowadays, when anyone is clicking, if he's really ticking, then they say

he's hooking with gas.

Makes no difference what he may be doing.

If he's really stewing, that's the way he's cooking with gas.

It's a crazy phrase that seems to me to be intense.

The hunch, it's not his punch, it's cause he's cooking with gas.

Joe DiMaggio swats a ball, it's 23 skidoo.

They all dodge cause Joe DiMaggio is a really cooking too.

When that good old army team begins to forward pass, you can bet that each

is really cooking with gas.

the dowel rooms, everything at 10, 12.

Then Franklin D. said, follow me and let's start cooking ourselves.

We cannot afford to let this opportunity pass.

If you're hip, then get in step.

and she went back to Dartsville.