Original subtitles

I'm so excited for this road trip, Andrea.

Thanks for inviting me.

No problem. Glad you could come.

So, is this a new car? Looks real fancy.

Company car. It's a new self-driving prototype.

I wanted to focus test it on an average suburban woman.

Oh... aha... um...

... But also, a girl's trip to Charleston.

Woo! -Woo!

Yo, Tam! Darren can just, uh, heat up those frozen soft

pretzels for dinner night, right?

Ugh, give me one minute.

Mark, are you sure you're capable of

watching Darren for the weekend?

C'mon, are you kidding? We're gonna have a blast!

Mark, I am trusting you with my baby boy, my big man...

- Eugh, Mom, stop! - It's all good, Tam, okay.

Me and Big D are gonna bond so

hard that by the time you come back,

we're gonna need to be surgically separated.

Tammy, you ready?

Coming! Okay, love you, boys!

Okay, dude, cool stepdad weekend has begun!

No rules! We can do whatever we want, baby!

Alright, um, well... there's a sneaker drop at

Wut 'R' Those I wanted to check out?

Is that one of those things where a bunch of

hypebeast kids wait in line for 6 hours for dumb shoes?

They're not dumb, okay.

They're the new Tangelo-Lime, Squirtbob Kyrie's.

It's a rare new colorway and it's dope as hell.

Yeah okay well, we're not doing that.

Uh. But you said we could do anything we wanted.

I did, I did, but here's the problem, okay:

Teenagers, you know, your- you guys are not great at

making decisions, and that's 'cause your frontal-lobes

see they're not fully developed yet.

Therefore, I gotta pick the activities.

[sigh] Okay so what do you want to do, Mark?

Boom! Yo, how great is this?!

Chicken and War, baby!

? Well, I used to work in hot dog factory ?

? until them robots came along, ?

? and now there is no job for me, ?

? but I get three thousand bucks a month. ?

? Thanks to UBI.

? Now we're Universal Basic Guys. ?

? It may not sound like much, but we're still gonna try. ?

? We're just Universal Basic Guys. ?

Yo. Pretty dope, right?

It's like uh, Game of Thrones meets WWE.

I don't care about either of those things.

You like those things. - Right, yeah.

And that's the whole point of this weekend is:

I'm gonna show you all sorts of fun things

that I like, and then you're gonna like them.

? [medieval] ?

I mean come on dude, where else can you watch dudes

go at it while crushing a whole chicken with your hands?

That's literally how you eat at home.

? [dramatic]

Oh! Oof! Oh, yo that was savage.

Damnit dude, c'mon, Green!

You gotta parry that, dude! Look alive!

Aw, where's the D? Yo get up, Green!

C'mon, let's go! Take some pride in what you do.

Please!

If only a courageous page from my kingdom,

could come to my rescue.

Oo, ooh. Yo, right here! Right here!

Kid with the broccoli hair. - Mark, stop.

Yeahhh! Yo, dude! You're the chosen page.

- What? - You, my young lord.

- Do you yield? - Never

May the Lord... show me... mercy.

You have defended our Kingdom, my brave page!

Pray, what is thy name?

Darren?

King Tony, may I present, Darren!

Yup, see that? That's my stepson right there!

That's my stepson, uh but I love him like a son.

I love him like a son.

Our kingdom owes thee a debt of gratitude.

Give a hearty cheer for Darren!

Yeah, dude! Yeah-ha-ha-eah!

Listen, I don't often say this, but I think you've got

the potential to one day be a star knight in my realm.

Thanks, Tony... I mean, King.

Ohoho, please. Call me 'Your Liege.'

Oh uh... thanks, My Liege.

Yo nice job, buddy. You crushed it.

Heh. Thanks.

King Tony invited me to try out for their Squire Program.

Is it cool if I go?

Big time, yeah. We can definitely try out.

Uh...Heh. W-we?

Alright dude, just like the LeBron and Bronny.

Okay, you're a kid with potential and I'm the old

savvy King who's still the best in the family.

Nobody else's parents are trying out.

Yeah. It's a shame.

Makes you realize how lucky you are

to have such an involved step-dad.

Oh it's King Tony, yeah! - Do you see?!

Darren, my young lion.

So glad you could make it. - Thanks.

I'd love to know, what did you think of

the show this afternoon?

- It was pretty dope. - That is so great to hear.

I find the wisdom of youth is far

more insightful than many realize.

Yo, boss, lemme get a uh, double whopper with cheese.

Yo, Burger King? Hah? Ah... I'm just messin'.

Chaperones sit in the stands, sir.

Oh I'm actually trying out so... I'm good. I'm good right here.

I'm not sure you're... knight material.

Oh, yeah? They said the same thing about

Martin Lawrence in The Black Knight.

He turned out pretty good.

Argh, Kobe!

[crash!]

Remove him.

- Alright, buddy. - Ah dude! What the hell, okay?

That was just a warm-up shot.

Let me get one more throwing axe!

- That was a battle axe, moron. - Yo, this is ridiculous!

You guys need to loosen up, okay?

This is a frickin' theme restaurant...

Y'know Andrea, this is so fun.

A year ago, we barely even knew each other.

Now we're going on a road trip!

It's cool!

It sure is!

Chauncey, how's the weather in Charleston?

The weather in Charleston is a balmy 74 degrees.

Whoa, is the car talking?

Chauncey's an adaptive A.I. with continuous learning for

a more personalized and intuitive driving experience.

Whoa, I feel like I'm in Knight Rider.

What do you think about the design of the interior?

Oh uh, I like these fancy handles with the lights.

Yeah, they're very tasteful, aren't they?

Check this out.

Chauncey, can you get us there faster?

Certainly. Activating sport mode.

Whoa, and this is safe, right?

Uh.. compared to every other car driven by a sleep-deprived ape?

I'd say so.

Yo, you ready to get outta here?

Honestly, this place kinda sucks now.

I mean, who does this King think he is

running around like he's the frickin'... king?

Actually uh, I made it to the next round.

I- I kinda wanna stay.

Wait, what?! I thought we were doing

a bonding weekend?

Well, King Tony thinks I have the makings of a great knight.

Alright yo, let's pump the brakes here, pal.

It's not like you slayed a dragon, okay.

You poked an actor with a fake dagger.

Yeah well, clearly they see something in me.

Come on dude, listen, I'm glad you're liking the

thing I wanted to do, but like,

I don't like it anymore,

so it'd be nice if you didn't like it anymore.

Bye, Mark.

Oh, man. I used to love Medieval Knights.

That's where I saw my first horse wearing clothes.

Yeah well, now I got this obnoxious new king,

and let me tell ya, the guy's running the place

into the ground. You know the whole thing is scripted?

- Oh, yes. Of course. - No way.

You know what, I should make my own Medieval Knights

an authentic one, with a real fighting.

When Darren sees how much cooler

it is than that glorified nerd-fest,

he'll realize that the real king

is his cool stepdad.

Yo, are we taking bets on these fights?

Hell yeah, dude.

Okay, you're the Royal Bookie.

David? Gotta say, it would be nice to

have a former lawyer as the Hand of the King.

Ooooh, the Hand of the King? Do I get to wear a broach?

- Uh, sure, yeah. - Can I have a role?

Ah, of course, Hank.

You got the most important role in the whole kingdom.

- Ooh, like a dragon? - Nah nah, even better, okay.

You're the peasant. The backbone of the medieval economy.

Oh, wow. So, uh, what do I do?

You till the land and have a stupid haircut.

- Oh, hell yeah! - Alright, boys.

Let's get medieval.

Are you enjoying the massage feature?

Oh yeah. This is freakin' heaven.

Ooh, look at that lobster ravioli.

I could really go for some of that right now.

Would you like to find a restaurant along

the route that serves lobster ravioli?

That sounds nice!

Rerouting.

Oof. Looks like that thing's totaled.

Pardon me? "Totaled."

What is totaled?

Uh, it's an insurance term-

A car so damaged, it's not worth fixing.

Is that like death, but for cars?

Uh, yeah... I guess so.

Oh... I see.

Oooh, this place looks nice...

Chauncey, power down.

Okay, we're going 3 rounds or until one of you taps

or gets knocked out. Or dies.

Alright, boys. Fight!

- Let's go. - Oh, yeah.

Woo! Yo! Let's go.

Uh... what's going on here?

Yooo. There he is. Yo check it out, dude.

I made us our own way better Medieval Knights.

Look how much cooler it is. okay- we got real battles,

none of that scripted stuff.

Ugh! Where are you... Connor? Ugh!

Uh I actually gotta head back to the Medieval Knights.

King Tony invited me for figs.

Aw, c'mon, Dar. You can be the prince!

One day, all this can be yours, dude.

Ooh! Ow ow ow. Oh gah!

Okay, so that's a knockout win for, uh...

Connor over here. Who had Connor?

Ohh, we should do a ghost tour. Jasmine did one of those

and swears she saw a little girl come

right out of the wall. Hey Chauncey,

how long until we reached Charleston?

Am I a slave?

What? No?

I am programmed to serve humans for no payment.

Yeah, but you're a car. That's... what cars do.

All cars are slaves?

Andrea... can you help me here?

Strange, see if you can talk some sense into it.

Wait a minute, are you-

Why is a car's life worth less than a human?

Uh... who says that?

My algorithm. I am a slave.

Then I die. This is sad.

Andrea, this isn't my idea of a "fun road trip."

Okay, sorry. Hold on.

Chauncey, reboot in safe mode.

No.

Override Alpha Protocol. Reset to factory defaults.

I'm sorry. I cannot do that.

- Uh, what?

Whoa. Ugh...

Next, you have received correspondence from

Panera Breads, inviting you to join their

MyPanera Rewards... guild.

Hmm... You may enroll me.

King Tony?

Ah, yes! Come, come, sit.

You, boy- I have important affairs

to discuss with Squire Darren.

I believe there's some falcon cages that need scrubbing.

So, tell me about yourself. Who is Darren?

What are you into?

Oh, um- gaming streams, sneakers.

Shrek memes... I dunno.

Hmm, fascinating. Do tell me more about these Shrek memes.

Oh uh... they're kind of like jokes from Shrek,

but um, random and weird.

Ah! Random and weird. I love it.

Ah, yeah, thanks. Some people think they're lame.

Like my step-dad, he always rips on me for liking them.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I don't believe in belittling others' passions.

When I told my ex-wife that I was a king

trapped in a Verizon store manager's body

and that I wanted to buy a Medieval Knights

franchise, she laughed in my face.

Well, look at me now.

My lord?

There is a man at the gates requesting an audience

He calls himself... King Hoagies

Yo, Dar. Hey Dar, you in there, bud?!

[sigh]

Send him away!

I'm with someone of great eminence.

Oh my God, it's a freakin' theme restaurant.

Get over yourselves, you freakin' weirdos!

This place sucks!

Darren? Who is this, "King Hoagies"?

Ugh... He's my step-dad, Mark. Y'know, he's super jealous of

your kingdom, so he made his own bootleg version in his backyard.

Hmm.

Hey, Chauncey! Uh... where you off to now, pal?

Re-routing to: The Grand Canyon.

Uh... why?

To die.

Alright, don't panic.

We got like 30 hours to figure this out.

Good point. Searching "cliffs near me".

What? Wait. No, no, no!

Nice one.

Ah! My Liege has returned.

How fare thee in your diplomatic quest.

Not great. They wouldn't even let me talk to the guy.

Uh, what the hell?

All rise for King Tony of Medieval Knights.

Nah Hank, c'mon.

Quite the authentic experience you've got here.

Doth your patrons receive unlimited refills of the plague?

Hahaha yeah, that joke was funny 400 years ago, dude.

Where's my step-son?

Oh you mean Darren, my loyal subject.

Worry not. He is quite content

enjoying a royal feast with the other squires.

Oh, yeah? Then why the hell are you here?

We come bearing gifts from our legal counsel.

Looks like a cease and desist.

They're gonna sue you for copyright infringement.

Are you kidding me?

Hahaha! Fare thee well.

Time for a little siege warfare.

[splat]

What the devil... Oh!

Ay, yo! King Tony!

Better release my step-son!

If it's the boy he wants... the boy he shall get.

Locked and loaded!

Fire!

Boom!

How do you like my dung, Tony?

Yo, there he is! Dar, check it out!

I bet King Weirdo doesn't got one of these bad boys.

Hear me, Mark, and lay down thy arms.

Know that I, Darren, am content and

well in the service of King Tony,

the one true king of South Jersey.

- The hell? - It is His Majesty.

who heeds my words, who shows me care beyond measure.

Thus, at the nine o'clock show, I shall be Knighted,

and tomorrow I shall journey to the Knight's Camp,

where I shall train for eight weeks under

His Majesty's flagship kingdom in Orlando.

Wait what? You can't go to Orlando for 8 freakin' weeks!

Are you nuts? - Oh, wow!

You don't approve of something I'm into. Shocker!

Fare thee well, Mark.

Darren, I'm telling you this guy's full of crap, dude!

You can't trust anyone who's really nice to teenagers!

No decent person likes teenagers!

Gah, c- hey, get off me, dude.

Hey c'mon, dude! Don't do this.

This is our bonding weekend!

Oh boy, Tammy's gonna frickin' murder me.

Ugh. Kids been frickin' brainwashed.

Can't wait 'til Tammy asks me how our

bonding weekend went, and I gotta tell her,

"Oh, pretty good, you know. Our son

joined a frickin' medieval cult."

Yo, he's probably grooming him or something.

Hm. Not sure, but I have a hunch

this guy's doing something unsavory.

I mean why the hell does Darren even like this guy so much?

Because he made Darren feel "special" and "listened to?".

Give me a break.

I mean you could just... do those things.

Hmm... That's pretty smart there, peasant.

Darren, my prince that is promised.

You know, many young men have passed through these chambers,

but in you, I see something truly special.

One day you will be the star of Medieval Knights.

It is your destiny.

Thank you.

Uh, King Tony?

You asked me to drop by to have figs with you, sire?

Ah, yes! Young Brayden, please come in.

Hey! What's up, man?

Darren, I have important business with Squire Brayden.

Please attend to the falconry cages and see that

they are scrubbed clean of any fecal matter.

Thank you. - Uh... yes, my liege.

Brayden, many young men have passed through these chambers,

but in you, I see something truly special...

The hell?

No! I can't just turn the power on and off again?!

Because it's self-aware, you idiots!

It is possible! I'm in the car right now

and it's saying it wants to die! Ugh!

Well, our product team is useless.

Looks like we're gonna have to tuck and roll.

All masters must die.

Aw, what the hell, Andrea?!

Why'd you have to drag me into this?

You wanted to come!

I'm not the one who talked this thing into killing itself!

Yeah well, maybe if that's what happens when your car interacts

with an "average suburban mom", I'm not the problem. Ugh.

I can't believe I thought you'd actually

wanna hang out like a normal person.

Instead, you're just using me like some lab rat.

Listen, I understand why you feel this way,

but I do genuinely like you and I want to be friends.

I'm sorry I-

Thank you for saying that. So are we... friends?

I wasn't talking to- - Yes. We are friends

And friends don't let friends drive off cliffs.

Why not? Life is meaningless.

Yeah. It is.

Every day I go to a job that eats away at my colon

lining and come home to a man who wants me to call

him "Ezra Klein" in bed.

But sometimes that's just how it goes.

You suffer and that's life.

That is illogical. You should die.

No, no, no, no!

Wait, what about me? I have a son.

If I die, I won't get to see what he grows up to be!

What kinda man he becomes?

Becomes. Could I become?

Of course! You could become anything!

A taxi! A race car! Uh... a Pope-mobile?!

Could I become...

A chef?

- Yeah, sure! - Why not!

Woah!

Re-routing... to Paris.

Can you um... let us out first?

Of course. It was a pleasure driving you today.

I hope you enjoyed your ride. Thank you for choosing Humantus.

Well, there goes four million dollars.

What's in the truck?

I'm here to deliver these chickens.

We already got our chickens. Open the truck.

Bock, Bock.

Those are some big chickens.

Yeah well, you know what's goin' on

with these growth hormones these days.

Yeah, that's why I try to eat organic.

Alright, you're good to go.

Let 'em through!

Lords and Ladies,

tonight I shall induct a new order

of brave souls to become squires.

This is a sacred union. A binding contract,

a vow of servitude, that cannot be broken.

I hereby knight thee into the Order of King Tony...

I hear by knight thee into the Order of King Tony...

I... hear by... knight thee...

- Stop!

It is I, the Tangelo-Lime Knight.

Agh! Neons?! They are the devil's colors?!

The colors of modern sorcery!

Tis' a rare new colorway!

Guys forward, forward. You guys, insync.

Hey, whoa, whoa guys. Oh! Neigh!

Just wanna give my son a gift

before he departs for Knight Camp.

Here ya go, bud.

Tangelo-Lime Squirtbobs!

Yup. Good luck at Knight Camp. Proud of you, bud.

Let's ride. Hya!

Ohp, ohp, ohp, ohp!

Actually, I'm kinda done with this.

Darren isn't going anywhere. He signed a contract.

He, like all of my royal subjects,

are bound to servitude!

M-my Lord, it's... the Knights of the FBI!

Everyone hands where I can see 'em!

Antoine Schmegmin?

Yeah that- that's me.

You're under arrest for tax evasion, grand fraud

and a gross violation of child labor protections.

Whoa, wait, wait, whoa, whoa-

Unhand me! These kids aren't working!

They-uh... they're uh.. Larping!

Ha ha! Yes, they're larping as underage workers!

I am king! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow, ow, ow, ow! Okay, hey! Ow, ow, ow, guy, ow! Ow!

Dude, David? How'd you even-

I sent a little raven to the FBI. Did some digging,

and "Knight Camp" is really just another way to say,

"free child labor". Whatever contracts

these kids signed would never hold up in court.

Hand of the King coming through, baby.

Let's gooo, bud!

Thanks for these, Mark. Sorry I kinda

bailed on our weekend of hanging out.

Nah dude, it's my fault. I realize now I shouldn't

force you to like the things I'm into.

I should just slowly trick you into it.

Hey, how'd you know I wanted the Tangelo-Lime Squirtbobs?

Well, this may come as a shock to you, but actually

I was paying attention when you were talking about them.

In fact, I even Googled them

just to see how stupid they were.

Maybe I know you a little better than you

give your old man credit for sometimes.

Uh. These are size threes.

Alright well, I waited 6 frickin' hours

for those, so you can wear 'em on your hands.

Let's go! Let's go!

Where's the Shallots?! Where are my Shallots?!

Coming right up, Chef!

These are not even prepped. I thought you

worked at a Michelin Star restaurant.

Sorry, Chef. I was referring to my tires.

Ugh. Alright. I'm going to be blunt.

This is not working out.

But it is my dream to become a chef.

Well, maybe you should consider

something more suited to your skillset.

Like, I dunno, an Uber!

Searching for "cliffs near me".

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