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1
00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:03,005
I'm so excited for
this road trip, Andrea.
2
00:00:03,006 --> 00:00:04,041
Thanks for inviting me.
3
00:00:04,042 --> 00:00:05,611
No problem.
Glad you could come.
4
00:00:05,612 --> 00:00:08,617
So, is this a new car?
Looks real fancy.
5
00:00:08,618 --> 00:00:10,921
Company car. It's a new
self-driving prototype.
6
00:00:10,922 --> 00:00:13,794
I wanted to focus test it on
an average suburban woman.
7
00:00:13,895 --> 00:00:15,230
Oh... aha... um...
8
00:00:15,231 --> 00:00:17,100
... But also, a girl's trip
to Charleston.
9
00:00:17,101 --> 00:00:18,151
Woo!
-Woo!
10
00:00:18,303 --> 00:00:21,242
Yo, Tam! Darren can just, uh,
heat up those frozen soft
11
00:00:21,243 --> 00:00:22,878
pretzels for dinner night,
right?
12
00:00:22,879 --> 00:00:24,181
Ugh, give me one minute.
13
00:00:24,182 --> 00:00:26,185
Mark, are you sure
you're capable of
14
00:00:26,186 --> 00:00:27,487
watching Darren for
the weekend?
15
00:00:27,488 --> 00:00:29,559
C'mon, are you kidding?
We're gonna have a blast!
16
00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:32,231
Mark, I am trusting you with
my baby boy, my big man...
17
00:00:32,331 --> 00:00:34,736
- Eugh, Mom, stop!
- It's all good, Tam, okay.
18
00:00:34,737 --> 00:00:36,204
Me and Big D are
gonna bond so
19
00:00:36,205 --> 00:00:38,015
hard that by the time
you come back,
20
00:00:38,016 --> 00:00:39,979
we're gonna need to
be surgically separated.
21
00:00:39,980 --> 00:00:41,082
Tammy, you ready?
22
00:00:41,115 --> 00:00:43,621
Coming!
Okay, love you, boys!
23
00:00:44,488 --> 00:00:48,096
Okay, dude, cool stepdad
weekend has begun!
24
00:00:48,163 --> 00:00:50,668
No rules! We can do
whatever we want, baby!
25
00:00:50,768 --> 00:00:53,407
Alright, um, well...
there's a sneaker drop at
26
00:00:53,408 --> 00:00:55,143
Wut 'R' Those I wanted
to check out?
27
00:00:55,144 --> 00:00:56,813
Is that one of those
things where a bunch of
28
00:00:56,814 --> 00:00:59,284
hypebeast kids wait in line
for 6 hours for dumb shoes?
29
00:00:59,285 --> 00:01:00,353
They're not dumb, okay.
30
00:01:00,354 --> 00:01:03,227
They're the new Tangelo-Lime,
Squirtbob Kyrie's.
31
00:01:03,228 --> 00:01:05,263
It's a rare new colorway
and it's dope as hell.
32
00:01:05,264 --> 00:01:06,732
Yeah okay well,
we're not doing that.
33
00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:09,105
Uh. But you said we could
do anything we wanted.
34
00:01:09,106 --> 00:01:11,275
I did, I did, but here's
the problem, okay:
35
00:01:11,276 --> 00:01:13,513
Teenagers, you know, your-
you guys are not great at
36
00:01:13,514 --> 00:01:15,884
making decisions, and that's
'cause your frontal-lobes
37
00:01:15,885 --> 00:01:17,287
see they're not fully
developed yet.
38
00:01:17,288 --> 00:01:19,459
Therefore, I gotta pick
the activities.
39
00:01:19,660 --> 00:01:22,799
[sigh] Okay so what do
you want to do, Mark?
40
00:01:26,138 --> 00:01:28,109
Boom! Yo, how great is this?!
41
00:01:28,142 --> 00:01:29,646
Chicken and War, baby!
42
00:01:32,151 --> 00:01:35,190
? Well, I used to work
in hot dog factory ?
43
00:01:35,224 --> 00:01:37,161
? until them
robots came along, ?
44
00:01:37,195 --> 00:01:39,098
? and now there is no
job for me, ?
45
00:01:39,198 --> 00:01:41,570
? but I get three thousand
bucks a month. ?
46
00:01:41,604 --> 00:01:45,678
? Thanks to UBI.
47
00:01:45,712 --> 00:01:49,418
? Now we're Universal
Basic Guys. ?
48
00:01:49,519 --> 00:01:54,261
? It may not sound like much,
but we're still gonna try. ?
49
00:01:54,328 --> 00:01:58,804
? We're just Universal
Basic Guys. ?
50
00:02:04,850 --> 00:02:06,352
Yo. Pretty dope, right?
51
00:02:06,385 --> 00:02:08,758
It's like uh, Game of
Thrones meets WWE.
52
00:02:08,858 --> 00:02:11,062
I don't care about either
of those things.
53
00:02:11,063 --> 00:02:12,564
You like those things.
- Right, yeah.
54
00:02:12,565 --> 00:02:14,501
And that's the whole point
of this weekend is:
55
00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:16,706
I'm gonna show you
all sorts of fun things
56
00:02:16,707 --> 00:02:19,613
that I like, and then
you're gonna like them.
57
00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:24,388
? [medieval] ?
58
00:02:24,665 --> 00:02:29,331
I mean come on dude, where
else can you watch dudes
59
00:02:29,332 --> 00:02:32,103
go at it while crushing a whole
chicken with your hands?
60
00:02:32,104 --> 00:02:34,274
That's literally how you
eat at home.
61
00:02:35,845 --> 00:02:40,253
? [dramatic]
62
00:02:41,556 --> 00:02:44,495
Oh! Oof! Oh, yo that was savage.
63
00:02:44,496 --> 00:02:45,462
Damnit dude, c'mon, Green!
64
00:02:45,463 --> 00:02:48,403
You gotta parry that, dude!
Look alive!
65
00:02:52,946 --> 00:02:55,150
Aw, where's the D?
Yo get up, Green!
66
00:02:55,283 --> 00:02:57,722
C'mon, let's go!
Take some pride in what you do.
67
00:02:57,723 --> 00:02:59,726
Please!
68
00:02:59,727 --> 00:03:02,599
If only a courageous page
from my kingdom,
69
00:03:02,832 --> 00:03:04,503
could come to my rescue.
70
00:03:04,636 --> 00:03:06,446
Oo, ooh. Yo, right here!
Right here!
71
00:03:06,507 --> 00:03:08,844
Kid with the broccoli hair.
- Mark, stop.
72
00:03:09,111 --> 00:03:11,850
Yeahhh! Yo, dude!
You're the chosen page.
73
00:03:11,950 --> 00:03:13,754
- What?
- You, my young lord.
74
00:03:17,027 --> 00:03:19,431
- Do you yield?
- Never
75
00:03:26,078 --> 00:03:29,619
May the Lord...
show me... mercy.
76
00:03:31,924 --> 00:03:35,397
You have defended our Kingdom,
my brave page!
77
00:03:35,497 --> 00:03:37,602
Pray, what is thy name?
78
00:03:37,603 --> 00:03:38,603
Darren?
79
00:03:38,604 --> 00:03:41,610
King Tony, may I present,
Darren!
80
00:03:41,644 --> 00:03:43,994
Yup, see that? That's my
stepson right there!
81
00:03:44,048 --> 00:03:46,854
That's my stepson, uh
but I love him like a son.
82
00:03:46,855 --> 00:03:47,955
I love him like a son.
83
00:03:47,956 --> 00:03:50,561
Our kingdom owes thee
a debt of gratitude.
84
00:03:50,695 --> 00:03:53,233
Give a hearty cheer for Darren!
85
00:03:53,266 --> 00:03:55,671
Yeah, dude! Yeah-ha-ha-eah!
86
00:03:55,771 --> 00:03:59,045
Listen, I don't often say this,
but I think you've got
87
00:03:59,145 --> 00:04:03,453
the potential to one day
be a star knight in my realm.
88
00:04:03,554 --> 00:04:05,257
Thanks, Tony...
I mean, King.
89
00:04:05,390 --> 00:04:07,996
Ohoho, please.
Call me 'Your Liege.'
90
00:04:08,096 --> 00:04:10,434
Oh uh... thanks, My Liege.
91
00:04:10,669 --> 00:04:12,739
Yo nice job, buddy.
You crushed it.
92
00:04:12,772 --> 00:04:13,822
Heh. Thanks.
93
00:04:13,823 --> 00:04:16,311
King Tony invited me to try
out for their Squire Program.
94
00:04:16,312 --> 00:04:17,280
Is it cool if I go?
95
00:04:17,281 --> 00:04:19,752
Big time, yeah.
We can definitely try out.
96
00:04:19,786 --> 00:04:21,657
Uh...Heh. W-we?
97
00:04:22,424 --> 00:04:24,774
Alright dude,
just like the LeBron and Bronny.
98
00:04:24,775 --> 00:04:26,999
Okay, you're a kid with
potential and I'm the old
99
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:29,271
savvy King who's
still the best in the family.
100
00:04:29,272 --> 00:04:31,174
Nobody else's parents are
trying out.
101
00:04:31,175 --> 00:04:32,042
Yeah. It's a shame.
102
00:04:32,043 --> 00:04:33,546
Makes you realize how
lucky you are
103
00:04:33,547 --> 00:04:35,350
to have such an
involved step-dad.
104
00:04:36,319 --> 00:04:38,790
Oh it's King Tony, yeah!
- Do you see?!
105
00:04:39,392 --> 00:04:41,428
Darren, my young lion.
106
00:04:41,596 --> 00:04:43,300
So glad you could make it.
- Thanks.
107
00:04:43,301 --> 00:04:45,202
I'd love to know, what did
you think of
108
00:04:45,203 --> 00:04:46,463
the show this afternoon?
109
00:04:46,464 --> 00:04:48,309
- It was pretty dope.
- That is so great to hear.
110
00:04:48,310 --> 00:04:49,845
I find the wisdom
of youth is far
111
00:04:49,846 --> 00:04:51,717
more insightful
than many realize.
112
00:04:51,817 --> 00:04:54,889
Yo, boss, lemme get a uh,
double whopper with cheese.
113
00:04:55,591 --> 00:04:58,096
Yo, Burger King? Hah?
Ah... I'm just messin'.
114
00:04:58,229 --> 00:05:00,033
Chaperones sit in the
stands, sir.
115
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:03,373
Oh I'm actually trying out so...
I'm good. I'm good right here.
116
00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:06,446
I'm not sure you're...
knight material.
117
00:05:06,447 --> 00:05:08,415
Oh, yeah?
They said the same thing about
118
00:05:08,416 --> 00:05:10,119
Martin Lawrence in
The Black Knight.
119
00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:11,489
He turned out pretty good.
120
00:05:11,790 --> 00:05:12,959
Argh, Kobe!
121
00:05:13,359 --> 00:05:15,865
[crash!]
122
00:05:16,767 --> 00:05:17,817
Remove him.
123
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:20,106
- Alright, buddy.
- Ah dude! What the hell, okay?
124
00:05:20,107 --> 00:05:21,341
That was just a warm-up shot.
125
00:05:21,342 --> 00:05:22,778
Let me get one
more throwing axe!
126
00:05:22,779 --> 00:05:25,249
- That was a battle axe, moron.
- Yo, this is ridiculous!
127
00:05:25,250 --> 00:05:26,652
You guys need to
loosen up, okay?
128
00:05:26,653 --> 00:05:28,523
This is a frickin'
theme restaurant...
129
00:05:28,524 --> 00:05:30,561
Y'know Andrea, this is so fun.
130
00:05:30,562 --> 00:05:32,765
A year ago, we barely
even knew each other.
131
00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:34,266
Now we're going on a road trip!
132
00:05:34,301 --> 00:05:35,370
It's cool!
133
00:05:35,403 --> 00:05:36,606
It sure is!
134
00:05:36,706 --> 00:05:39,011
Chauncey, how's the weather
in Charleston?
135
00:05:39,045 --> 00:05:42,251
The weather in Charleston is
a balmy 74 degrees.
136
00:05:42,351 --> 00:05:43,955
Whoa, is the car talking?
137
00:05:43,956 --> 00:05:46,625
Chauncey's an adaptive A.I. with
continuous learning for
138
00:05:46,626 --> 00:05:49,364
a more personalized and
intuitive driving experience.
139
00:05:49,365 --> 00:05:51,167
Whoa, I feel like I'm
in Knight Rider.
140
00:05:51,168 --> 00:05:53,472
What do you think about the
design of the interior?
141
00:05:53,473 --> 00:05:56,245
Oh uh, I like these fancy
handles with the lights.
142
00:05:56,246 --> 00:05:58,282
Yeah, they're very tasteful,
aren't they?
143
00:05:58,283 --> 00:05:59,384
Check this out.
144
00:05:59,385 --> 00:06:01,389
Chauncey, can you get
us there faster?
145
00:06:01,489 --> 00:06:04,028
Certainly.
Activating sport mode.
146
00:06:04,095 --> 00:06:06,199
Whoa, and this is safe, right?
147
00:06:06,332 --> 00:06:09,873
Uh.. compared to every other car
driven by a sleep-deprived ape?
148
00:06:09,906 --> 00:06:10,956
I'd say so.
149
00:06:15,751 --> 00:06:17,311
Yo, you ready to get outta here?
150
00:06:17,312 --> 00:06:18,756
Honestly, this place kinda
sucks now.
151
00:06:18,757 --> 00:06:20,426
I mean, who does this
King think he is
152
00:06:20,427 --> 00:06:22,564
running around like he's
the frickin'... king?
153
00:06:22,565 --> 00:06:24,569
Actually uh, I made it to
the next round.
154
00:06:24,669 --> 00:06:25,719
I- I kinda wanna stay.
155
00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:27,541
Wait, what?!
I thought we were doing
156
00:06:27,542 --> 00:06:28,592
a bonding weekend?
157
00:06:28,593 --> 00:06:31,014
Well, King Tony thinks I have
the makings of a great knight.
158
00:06:31,015 --> 00:06:32,885
Alright yo, let's pump
the brakes here, pal.
159
00:06:32,886 --> 00:06:34,688
It's not like you
slayed a dragon, okay.
160
00:06:34,689 --> 00:06:36,124
You poked an actor with
a fake dagger.
161
00:06:36,125 --> 00:06:38,095
Yeah well, clearly they
see something in me.
162
00:06:38,096 --> 00:06:40,399
Come on dude, listen,
I'm glad you're liking the
163
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:41,970
thing I wanted to do,
but like,
164
00:06:41,971 --> 00:06:43,005
I don't like it anymore,
165
00:06:43,006 --> 00:06:45,812
so it'd be nice if you
didn't like it anymore.
166
00:06:46,012 --> 00:06:47,062
Bye, Mark.
167
00:06:48,751 --> 00:06:50,821
Oh, man. I used to
love Medieval Knights.
168
00:06:50,822 --> 00:06:53,058
That's where I saw my
first horse wearing clothes.
169
00:06:53,059 --> 00:06:55,565
Yeah well, now I got this
obnoxious new king,
170
00:06:55,566 --> 00:06:57,634
and let me tell ya, the
guy's running the place
171
00:06:57,635 --> 00:06:59,805
into the ground. You know
the whole thing is scripted?
172
00:06:59,806 --> 00:07:00,940
- Oh, yes. Of course.
- No way.
173
00:07:00,941 --> 00:07:03,445
You know what, I should
make my own Medieval Knights
174
00:07:03,446 --> 00:07:05,718
an authentic one, with
a real fighting.
175
00:07:05,719 --> 00:07:07,319
When Darren sees how much cooler
176
00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,325
it is than that
glorified nerd-fest,
177
00:07:09,326 --> 00:07:10,961
he'll realize that the
real king
178
00:07:10,962 --> 00:07:11,930
is his cool stepdad.
179
00:07:11,931 --> 00:07:13,600
Yo, are we taking bets
on these fights?
180
00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:14,651
Hell yeah, dude.
181
00:07:14,736 --> 00:07:16,304
Okay, you're the Royal Bookie.
182
00:07:16,305 --> 00:07:18,108
David? Gotta say,
it would be nice to
183
00:07:18,109 --> 00:07:20,581
have a former lawyer as
the Hand of the King.
184
00:07:20,648 --> 00:07:23,620
Ooooh, the Hand of the King?
Do I get to wear a broach?
185
00:07:23,621 --> 00:07:25,322
- Uh, sure, yeah.
- Can I have a role?
186
00:07:25,323 --> 00:07:26,373
Ah, of course, Hank.
187
00:07:26,374 --> 00:07:28,596
You got the most important role
in the whole kingdom.
188
00:07:28,597 --> 00:07:30,867
- Ooh, like a dragon?
- Nah nah, even better, okay.
189
00:07:30,868 --> 00:07:34,241
You're the peasant. The backbone
of the medieval economy.
190
00:07:34,341 --> 00:07:36,847
Oh, wow.
So, uh, what do I do?
191
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:40,219
You till the land and
have a stupid haircut.
192
00:07:40,286 --> 00:07:42,090
- Oh, hell yeah!
- Alright, boys.
193
00:07:42,257 --> 00:07:43,593
Let's get medieval.
194
00:07:46,365 --> 00:07:48,355
Are you enjoying the
massage feature?
195
00:07:48,369 --> 00:07:50,608
Oh yeah.
This is freakin' heaven.
196
00:07:50,741 --> 00:07:53,145
Ooh, look at that
lobster ravioli.
197
00:07:53,212 --> 00:07:55,483
I could really go for some
of that right now.
198
00:07:55,484 --> 00:07:57,353
Would you like to find
a restaurant along
199
00:07:57,354 --> 00:07:59,993
the route that serves
lobster ravioli?
200
00:08:00,027 --> 00:08:01,129
That sounds nice!
201
00:08:01,162 --> 00:08:02,531
Rerouting.
202
00:08:05,972 --> 00:08:08,543
Oof. Looks like that
thing's totaled.
203
00:08:09,779 --> 00:08:11,750
Pardon me?
"Totaled."
204
00:08:12,117 --> 00:08:13,386
What is totaled?
205
00:08:13,387 --> 00:08:14,888
Uh, it's an insurance term-
206
00:08:14,889 --> 00:08:17,260
A car so damaged,
it's not worth fixing.
207
00:08:17,460 --> 00:08:19,666
Is that like death,
but for cars?
208
00:08:19,699 --> 00:08:21,836
Uh, yeah... I guess so.
209
00:08:22,270 --> 00:08:23,874
Oh... I see.
210
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:28,551
Oooh, this place looks nice...
211
00:08:28,617 --> 00:08:30,153
Chauncey, power down.
212
00:08:41,676 --> 00:08:44,716
Okay, we're going 3 rounds or
until one of you taps
213
00:08:44,750 --> 00:08:47,320
or gets knocked out.
Or dies.
214
00:08:47,555 --> 00:08:49,425
Alright, boys.
Fight!
215
00:08:49,592 --> 00:08:51,963
- Let's go.
- Oh, yeah.
216
00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:54,334
Woo! Yo!
Let's go.
217
00:08:54,434 --> 00:08:56,072
Uh... what's going on here?
218
00:08:56,105 --> 00:08:58,577
Yooo. There he is.
Yo check it out, dude.
219
00:08:58,610 --> 00:09:00,900
I made us our own way
better Medieval Knights.
220
00:09:00,948 --> 00:09:03,654
Look how much cooler it is.
okay- we got real battles,
221
00:09:03,687 --> 00:09:05,323
none of that scripted stuff.
222
00:09:05,423 --> 00:09:07,962
Ugh! Where are you... Connor?
Ugh!
223
00:09:08,129 --> 00:09:11,335
Uh I actually gotta head back
to the Medieval Knights.
224
00:09:11,369 --> 00:09:13,039
King Tony invited me for figs.
225
00:09:13,139 --> 00:09:15,377
Aw, c'mon, Dar.
You can be the prince!
226
00:09:15,444 --> 00:09:18,216
One day, all this can
be yours, dude.
227
00:09:18,217 --> 00:09:19,184
Ooh! Ow ow ow. Oh gah!
228
00:09:19,185 --> 00:09:21,556
Okay, so that's a knockout
win for, uh...
229
00:09:21,590 --> 00:09:23,280
Connor over here.
Who had Connor?
230
00:09:23,393 --> 00:09:26,767
Ohh, we should do a ghost tour.
Jasmine did one of those
231
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,737
and swears she saw a
little girl come
232
00:09:28,838 --> 00:09:31,442
right out of the wall.
Hey Chauncey,
233
00:09:31,476 --> 00:09:34,147
how long until we
reached Charleston?
234
00:09:34,181 --> 00:09:35,283
Am I a slave?
235
00:09:35,316 --> 00:09:36,853
What? No?
236
00:09:36,854 --> 00:09:39,626
I am programmed to serve
humans for no payment.
237
00:09:39,659 --> 00:09:43,466
Yeah, but you're a car.
That's... what cars do.
238
00:09:43,534 --> 00:09:45,336
All cars are slaves?
239
00:09:45,403 --> 00:09:47,074
Andrea... can you help me here?
240
00:09:47,174 --> 00:09:49,613
Strange, see if you can talk
some sense into it.
241
00:09:49,846 --> 00:09:50,986
Wait a minute, are you-
242
00:09:51,081 --> 00:09:53,521
Why is a car's life worth
less than a human?
243
00:09:53,554 --> 00:09:54,889
Uh... who says that?
244
00:09:54,956 --> 00:09:57,661
My algorithm.
I am a slave.
245
00:09:57,761 --> 00:09:59,766
Then I die.
This is sad.
246
00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:03,106
Andrea, this isn't my idea of
a "fun road trip."
247
00:10:03,139 --> 00:10:04,274
Okay, sorry. Hold on.
248
00:10:04,341 --> 00:10:06,311
Chauncey, reboot in safe mode.
249
00:10:06,814 --> 00:10:07,864
No.
250
00:10:07,949 --> 00:10:11,388
Override Alpha Protocol.
Reset to factory defaults.
251
00:10:11,488 --> 00:10:13,326
I'm sorry.
I cannot do that.
252
00:10:13,359 --> 00:10:14,862
- Uh, what?
253
00:10:15,665 --> 00:10:17,333
Whoa.
Ugh...
254
00:10:18,904 --> 00:10:21,810
Next, you have received
correspondence from
255
00:10:21,910 --> 00:10:24,549
Panera Breads,
inviting you to join their
256
00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:26,787
MyPanera Rewards... guild.
257
00:10:26,820 --> 00:10:29,324
Hmm...
You may enroll me.
258
00:10:29,424 --> 00:10:30,628
King Tony?
259
00:10:30,762 --> 00:10:32,831
Ah, yes!
Come, come, sit.
260
00:10:32,932 --> 00:10:34,936
You, boy- I have
important affairs
261
00:10:34,937 --> 00:10:36,271
to discuss with Squire Darren.
262
00:10:36,272 --> 00:10:39,646
I believe there's some falcon
cages that need scrubbing.
263
00:10:40,079 --> 00:10:43,252
So, tell me about yourself.
Who is Darren?
264
00:10:43,286 --> 00:10:44,354
What are you into?
265
00:10:44,387 --> 00:10:47,294
Oh, um- gaming streams,
sneakers.
266
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:48,530
Shrek memes... I dunno.
267
00:10:48,631 --> 00:10:52,237
Hmm, fascinating. Do tell me
more about these Shrek memes.
268
00:10:52,337 --> 00:10:55,444
Oh uh... they're kind of like
jokes from Shrek,
269
00:10:55,578 --> 00:10:56,946
but um, random and weird.
270
00:10:56,980 --> 00:11:00,119
Ah! Random and weird.
I love it.
271
00:11:00,219 --> 00:11:03,392
Ah, yeah, thanks. Some people
think they're lame.
272
00:11:03,593 --> 00:11:06,432
Like my step-dad, he always
rips on me for liking them.
273
00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:07,501
I'm sorry to hear that.
274
00:11:07,502 --> 00:11:09,905
I don't believe in
belittling others' passions.
275
00:11:09,906 --> 00:11:11,775
When I told my ex-wife
that I was a king
276
00:11:11,776 --> 00:11:13,813
trapped in a Verizon
store manager's body
277
00:11:13,814 --> 00:11:15,783
and that I wanted to buy
a Medieval Knights
278
00:11:15,784 --> 00:11:18,189
franchise, she laughed
in my face.
279
00:11:18,456 --> 00:11:20,026
Well, look at me now.
280
00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:21,210
My lord?
281
00:11:21,262 --> 00:11:24,001
There is a man at the
gates requesting an audience
282
00:11:24,101 --> 00:11:27,575
He calls himself...
King Hoagies
283
00:11:27,776 --> 00:11:30,446
Yo, Dar. Hey Dar,
you in there, bud?!
284
00:11:30,479 --> 00:11:31,716
[sigh]
285
00:11:31,750 --> 00:11:33,252
Send him away!
286
00:11:33,587 --> 00:11:35,456
I'm with someone of
great eminence.
287
00:11:36,893 --> 00:11:39,632
Oh my God, it's a
freakin' theme restaurant.
288
00:11:39,666 --> 00:11:42,303
Get over yourselves,
you freakin' weirdos!
289
00:11:42,337 --> 00:11:43,974
This place sucks!
290
00:11:44,075 --> 00:11:46,880
Darren?
Who is this, "King Hoagies"?
291
00:11:46,947 --> 00:11:50,153
Ugh... He's my step-dad, Mark.
Y'know, he's super jealous of
292
00:11:50,253 --> 00:11:53,503
your kingdom, so he made his own
bootleg version in his backyard.
293
00:11:53,961 --> 00:11:55,011
Hmm.
294
00:11:57,133 --> 00:12:00,473
Hey, Chauncey! Uh... where
you off to now, pal?
295
00:12:00,508 --> 00:12:03,145
Re-routing to: The Grand Canyon.
296
00:12:03,245 --> 00:12:04,983
Uh... why?
297
00:12:04,984 --> 00:12:06,017
To die.
298
00:12:06,018 --> 00:12:08,022
Alright, don't panic.
299
00:12:08,189 --> 00:12:10,661
We got like 30 hours
to figure this out.
300
00:12:10,794 --> 00:12:13,065
Good point.
Searching "cliffs near me".
301
00:12:13,165 --> 00:12:14,536
What? Wait.
No, no, no!
302
00:12:14,636 --> 00:12:15,837
Nice one.
303
00:12:18,476 --> 00:12:20,480
Ah! My Liege has returned.
304
00:12:20,481 --> 00:12:22,617
How fare thee in
your diplomatic quest.
305
00:12:22,618 --> 00:12:25,189
Not great. They wouldn't even
let me talk to the guy.
306
00:12:26,278 --> 00:12:28,328
Uh, what the hell?
307
00:12:28,329 --> 00:12:32,103
All rise for King Tony
of Medieval Knights.
308
00:12:32,104 --> 00:12:33,539
Nah Hank, c'mon.
309
00:12:33,540 --> 00:12:36,010
Quite the authentic experience
you've got here.
310
00:12:36,078 --> 00:12:39,519
Doth your patrons receive
unlimited refills of the plague?
311
00:12:40,219 --> 00:12:43,661
Hahaha yeah, that joke
was funny 400 years ago, dude.
312
00:12:43,694 --> 00:12:44,796
Where's my step-son?
313
00:12:44,830 --> 00:12:46,800
Oh you mean Darren,
my loyal subject.
314
00:12:46,801 --> 00:12:48,334
Worry not. He is quite content
315
00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:50,272
enjoying a royal feast with
the other squires.
316
00:12:50,273 --> 00:12:52,076
Oh, yeah? Then why the hell
are you here?
317
00:12:52,077 --> 00:12:55,116
We come bearing gifts from
our legal counsel.
318
00:12:55,551 --> 00:12:57,053
Looks like a cease and desist.
319
00:12:57,054 --> 00:12:59,558
They're gonna sue you
for copyright infringement.
320
00:12:59,559 --> 00:13:00,661
Are you kidding me?
321
00:13:00,695 --> 00:13:02,564
Hahaha!
Fare thee well.
322
00:13:03,198 --> 00:13:06,038
Time for a little
siege warfare.
323
00:13:06,138 --> 00:13:07,808
[splat]
324
00:13:07,841 --> 00:13:09,712
What the devil... Oh!
325
00:13:10,079 --> 00:13:11,717
Ay, yo!
King Tony!
326
00:13:11,783 --> 00:13:13,720
Better release my step-son!
327
00:13:14,087 --> 00:13:18,195
If it's the boy he wants...
the boy he shall get.
328
00:13:19,732 --> 00:13:21,302
Locked and loaded!
329
00:13:21,335 --> 00:13:22,403
Fire!
330
00:13:23,593 --> 00:13:25,677
Boom!
331
00:13:25,678 --> 00:13:28,082
How do you like my dung, Tony?
332
00:13:29,117 --> 00:13:31,623
Yo, there he is!
Dar, check it out!
333
00:13:31,656 --> 00:13:34,662
I bet King Weirdo doesn't got
one of these bad boys.
334
00:13:34,696 --> 00:13:37,200
Hear me, Mark,
and lay down thy arms.
335
00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:39,338
Know that I, Darren,
am content and
336
00:13:39,371 --> 00:13:41,576
well in the service
of King Tony,
337
00:13:41,709 --> 00:13:43,914
the one true king
of South Jersey.
338
00:13:43,981 --> 00:13:45,491
- The hell?
- It is His Majesty.
339
00:13:45,550 --> 00:13:49,291
who heeds my words, who
shows me care beyond measure.
340
00:13:49,391 --> 00:13:53,032
Thus, at the nine o'clock show,
I shall be Knighted,
341
00:13:53,132 --> 00:13:55,838
and tomorrow I shall journey
to the Knight's Camp,
342
00:13:55,839 --> 00:13:57,841
where I shall train for
eight weeks under
343
00:13:57,842 --> 00:14:01,148
His Majesty's flagship kingdom
in Orlando.
344
00:14:01,149 --> 00:14:03,686
Wait what? You can't go to
Orlando for 8 freakin' weeks!
345
00:14:03,687 --> 00:14:05,190
Are you nuts?
- Oh, wow!
346
00:14:05,290 --> 00:14:07,928
You don't approve of
something I'm into. Shocker!
347
00:14:08,028 --> 00:14:09,078
Fare thee well, Mark.
348
00:14:09,079 --> 00:14:11,535
Darren, I'm telling you
this guy's full of crap, dude!
349
00:14:11,536 --> 00:14:14,039
You can't trust anyone who's
really nice to teenagers!
350
00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:16,879
No decent person
likes teenagers!
351
00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:18,181
Gah, c- hey,
get off me, dude.
352
00:14:18,182 --> 00:14:19,952
Hey c'mon, dude!
Don't do this.
353
00:14:20,052 --> 00:14:21,522
This is our bonding weekend!
354
00:14:23,827 --> 00:14:26,364
Oh boy, Tammy's gonna
frickin' murder me.
355
00:14:27,135 --> 00:14:30,439
Ugh. Kids been frickin'
brainwashed.
356
00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:32,309
Can't wait 'til Tammy
asks me how our
357
00:14:32,310 --> 00:14:34,147
bonding weekend
went, and I gotta tell her,
358
00:14:34,148 --> 00:14:35,984
"Oh, pretty good,
you know. Our son
359
00:14:35,985 --> 00:14:37,521
joined a frickin'
medieval cult."
360
00:14:37,522 --> 00:14:39,658
Yo, he's probably grooming
him or something.
361
00:14:39,659 --> 00:14:41,328
Hm. Not sure,
but I have a hunch
362
00:14:41,361 --> 00:14:43,600
this guy's doing
something unsavory.
363
00:14:43,601 --> 00:14:46,338
I mean why the hell does Darren
even like this guy so much?
364
00:14:46,339 --> 00:14:49,076
Because he made Darren feel
"special" and "listened to?".
365
00:14:49,077 --> 00:14:50,127
Give me a break.
366
00:14:50,213 --> 00:14:52,952
I mean you could just...
do those things.
367
00:14:53,554 --> 00:14:56,424
Hmm... That's pretty
smart there, peasant.
368
00:14:57,795 --> 00:15:00,333
Darren, my prince that
is promised.
369
00:15:00,334 --> 00:15:03,038
You know, many young men have
passed through these chambers,
370
00:15:03,039 --> 00:15:05,944
but in you, I see
something truly special.
371
00:15:06,011 --> 00:15:08,951
One day you will be the
star of Medieval Knights.
372
00:15:09,051 --> 00:15:10,921
It is your destiny.
373
00:15:10,954 --> 00:15:12,004
Thank you.
374
00:15:12,090 --> 00:15:13,359
Uh, King Tony?
375
00:15:13,459 --> 00:15:16,331
You asked me to drop by to
have figs with you, sire?
376
00:15:16,365 --> 00:15:18,703
Ah, yes! Young Brayden,
please come in.
377
00:15:18,770 --> 00:15:19,939
Hey! What's up, man?
378
00:15:19,940 --> 00:15:22,276
Darren, I have important
business with Squire Brayden.
379
00:15:22,277 --> 00:15:24,247
Please attend to the falconry
cages and see that
380
00:15:24,248 --> 00:15:26,117
they are scrubbed clean of
any fecal matter.
381
00:15:26,118 --> 00:15:29,324
Thank you.
- Uh... yes, my liege.
382
00:15:29,325 --> 00:15:33,231
Brayden, many young men have
passed through these chambers,
383
00:15:33,232 --> 00:15:36,506
but in you, I see something
truly special...
384
00:15:36,539 --> 00:15:37,589
The hell?
385
00:15:37,775 --> 00:15:40,346
No! I can't just turn the
power on and off again?!
386
00:15:40,347 --> 00:15:42,316
Because it's self-aware,
you idiots!
387
00:15:42,317 --> 00:15:45,222
It is possible! I'm in
the car right now
388
00:15:45,323 --> 00:15:47,762
and it's saying it
wants to die! Ugh!
389
00:15:48,329 --> 00:15:50,266
Well, our product team
is useless.
390
00:15:50,399 --> 00:15:52,629
Looks like we're gonna have
to tuck and roll.
391
00:15:52,938 --> 00:15:55,075
All masters must die.
392
00:15:58,015 --> 00:16:00,119
Aw, what the hell, Andrea?!
393
00:16:00,252 --> 00:16:02,457
Why'd you have to
drag me into this?
394
00:16:02,490 --> 00:16:03,540
You wanted to come!
395
00:16:03,541 --> 00:16:05,830
I'm not the one who talked
this thing into killing itself!
396
00:16:05,831 --> 00:16:08,635
Yeah well, maybe if that's what
happens when your car interacts
397
00:16:08,636 --> 00:16:11,876
with an "average suburban mom",
I'm not the problem. Ugh.
398
00:16:12,010 --> 00:16:14,247
I can't believe I
thought you'd actually
399
00:16:14,248 --> 00:16:16,016
wanna hang out like
a normal person.
400
00:16:16,017 --> 00:16:18,388
Instead, you're just using me
like some lab rat.
401
00:16:18,389 --> 00:16:20,619
Listen, I understand why you
feel this way,
402
00:16:20,620 --> 00:16:23,130
but I do genuinely like you
and I want to be friends.
403
00:16:23,131 --> 00:16:24,769
I'm sorry I-
404
00:16:25,403 --> 00:16:28,677
Thank you for saying that.
So are we... friends?
405
00:16:28,710 --> 00:16:31,414
I wasn't talking to-
- Yes. We are friends
406
00:16:31,448 --> 00:16:35,023
And friends don't let friends
drive off cliffs.
407
00:16:35,123 --> 00:16:37,661
Why not?
Life is meaningless.
408
00:16:38,128 --> 00:16:39,178
Yeah. It is.
409
00:16:39,179 --> 00:16:41,467
Every day I go to a job
that eats away at my colon
410
00:16:41,468 --> 00:16:43,672
lining and come home to a man
who wants me to call
411
00:16:43,673 --> 00:16:45,009
him "Ezra Klein" in bed.
412
00:16:45,043 --> 00:16:47,013
But sometimes that's
just how it goes.
413
00:16:47,146 --> 00:16:48,650
You suffer and that's life.
414
00:16:49,417 --> 00:16:51,756
That is illogical.
You should die.
415
00:16:51,790 --> 00:16:53,192
No, no, no, no!
416
00:16:53,225 --> 00:16:55,095
Wait, what about me?
I have a son.
417
00:16:55,195 --> 00:16:57,968
If I die, I won't get to see
what he grows up to be!
418
00:16:58,068 --> 00:16:59,539
What kinda man he becomes?
419
00:16:59,639 --> 00:17:02,944
Becomes.
Could I become?
420
00:17:03,045 --> 00:17:05,116
Of course!
You could become anything!
421
00:17:05,183 --> 00:17:08,823
A taxi! A race car!
Uh... a Pope-mobile?!
422
00:17:08,857 --> 00:17:10,259
Could I become...
423
00:17:10,359 --> 00:17:11,696
A chef?
424
00:17:11,963 --> 00:17:13,567
- Yeah, sure!
- Why not!
425
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,236
Woah!
426
00:17:16,205 --> 00:17:19,311
Re-routing... to Paris.
427
00:17:19,478 --> 00:17:22,518
Can you um... let us out first?
428
00:17:22,585 --> 00:17:26,225
Of course. It was a
pleasure driving you today.
429
00:17:26,325 --> 00:17:30,432
I hope you enjoyed your ride.
Thank you for choosing Humantus.
430
00:17:32,905 --> 00:17:34,895
Well, there goes four
million dollars.
431
00:17:38,116 --> 00:17:39,166
What's in the truck?
432
00:17:39,251 --> 00:17:41,061
I'm here to deliver
these chickens.
433
00:17:41,088 --> 00:17:43,660
We already got our chickens.
Open the truck.
434
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:47,768
Bock, Bock.
435
00:17:47,769 --> 00:17:49,637
Those are some big chickens.
436
00:17:49,638 --> 00:17:51,307
Yeah well, you know
what's goin' on
437
00:17:51,308 --> 00:17:53,298
with these growth hormones
these days.
438
00:17:57,622 --> 00:18:00,092
Yeah, that's why I try
to eat organic.
439
00:18:00,225 --> 00:18:02,497
Alright, you're good to go.
440
00:18:02,732 --> 00:18:03,866
Let 'em through!
441
00:18:11,816 --> 00:18:13,820
Lords and Ladies,
442
00:18:14,020 --> 00:18:16,390
tonight I shall induct
a new order
443
00:18:16,391 --> 00:18:18,529
of brave souls to
become squires.
444
00:18:18,563 --> 00:18:22,738
This is a sacred union.
A binding contract,
445
00:18:22,838 --> 00:18:26,712
a vow of servitude,
that cannot be broken.
446
00:18:26,812 --> 00:18:30,420
I hereby knight thee into the
Order of King Tony...
447
00:18:30,654 --> 00:18:34,127
I hear by knight thee into
the Order of King Tony...
448
00:18:34,261 --> 00:18:39,505
I... hear by... knight thee...
449
00:18:39,605 --> 00:18:40,974
- Stop!
450
00:18:41,008 --> 00:18:44,515
It is I, the
Tangelo-Lime Knight.
451
00:18:45,183 --> 00:18:48,022
Agh! Neons?! They are
the devil's colors?!
452
00:18:48,122 --> 00:18:50,026
The colors of modern sorcery!
453
00:18:50,059 --> 00:18:52,364
Tis' a rare new colorway!
454
00:18:52,365 --> 00:18:54,433
Guys forward, forward.
You guys, insync.
455
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:56,071
Hey, whoa, whoa guys.
Oh! Neigh!
456
00:18:56,072 --> 00:18:57,540
Just wanna give my son a gift
457
00:18:57,541 --> 00:18:59,545
before he departs for
Knight Camp.
458
00:18:59,546 --> 00:19:00,445
Here ya go, bud.
459
00:19:00,446 --> 00:19:02,183
Tangelo-Lime Squirtbobs!
460
00:19:02,184 --> 00:19:04,320
Yup. Good luck at Knight Camp.
Proud of you, bud.
461
00:19:04,321 --> 00:19:06,292
Let's ride. Hya!
462
00:19:06,325 --> 00:19:08,563
Ohp, ohp, ohp, ohp!
463
00:19:08,697 --> 00:19:10,967
Actually, I'm kinda
done with this.
464
00:19:11,969 --> 00:19:15,977
Darren isn't going anywhere.
He signed a contract.
465
00:19:16,044 --> 00:19:18,048
He, like all of
my royal subjects,
466
00:19:18,148 --> 00:19:19,348
are bound to servitude!
467
00:19:19,350 --> 00:19:22,691
M-my Lord, it's...
the Knights of the FBI!
468
00:19:27,735 --> 00:19:29,805
Everyone hands where I
can see 'em!
469
00:19:31,174 --> 00:19:32,243
Antoine Schmegmin?
470
00:19:32,244 --> 00:19:33,411
Yeah that- that's me.
471
00:19:33,412 --> 00:19:35,583
You're under arrest for
tax evasion, grand fraud
472
00:19:35,584 --> 00:19:38,121
and a gross violation
of child labor protections.
473
00:19:38,122 --> 00:19:39,558
Whoa, wait, wait,
whoa, whoa-
474
00:19:39,559 --> 00:19:42,063
Unhand me! These kids
aren't working!
475
00:19:42,096 --> 00:19:44,467
They-uh... they're uh..
Larping!
476
00:19:44,568 --> 00:19:48,108
Ha ha! Yes, they're larping as
underage workers!
477
00:19:48,208 --> 00:19:49,778
I am king! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
478
00:19:49,812 --> 00:19:53,586
Ow, ow, ow, ow! Okay, hey!
Ow, ow, ow, guy, ow! Ow!
479
00:19:54,988 --> 00:19:56,659
Dude, David?
How'd you even-
480
00:19:56,759 --> 00:19:59,331
I sent a little raven to
the FBI. Did some digging,
481
00:19:59,364 --> 00:20:02,203
and "Knight Camp" is really just
another way to say,
482
00:20:02,236 --> 00:20:04,708
"free child labor".
Whatever contracts
483
00:20:04,742 --> 00:20:07,092
these kids signed
would never hold up in court.
484
00:20:07,113 --> 00:20:09,082
Hand of the King
coming through, baby.
485
00:20:09,083 --> 00:20:10,252
Let's gooo, bud!
486
00:20:10,353 --> 00:20:12,724
Thanks for these, Mark.
Sorry I kinda
487
00:20:12,758 --> 00:20:14,962
bailed on our
weekend of hanging out.
488
00:20:14,963 --> 00:20:17,499
Nah dude, it's my fault.
I realize now I shouldn't
489
00:20:17,500 --> 00:20:19,370
force you to like the
things I'm into.
490
00:20:19,371 --> 00:20:21,308
I should just slowly
trick you into it.
491
00:20:21,309 --> 00:20:23,913
Hey, how'd you know I wanted
the Tangelo-Lime Squirtbobs?
492
00:20:23,914 --> 00:20:26,083
Well, this may come as a
shock to you, but actually
493
00:20:26,084 --> 00:20:28,522
I was paying attention when you
were talking about them.
494
00:20:28,523 --> 00:20:29,926
In fact, I even Googled them
495
00:20:29,927 --> 00:20:31,561
just to see how
stupid they were.
496
00:20:31,562 --> 00:20:33,364
Maybe I know you a
little better than you
497
00:20:33,365 --> 00:20:35,355
give your old man
credit for sometimes.
498
00:20:36,105 --> 00:20:38,676
Uh. These are size threes.
499
00:20:38,677 --> 00:20:40,378
Alright well, I waited
6 frickin' hours
500
00:20:40,379 --> 00:20:42,584
for those, so you can
wear 'em on your hands.
501
00:20:47,126 --> 00:20:48,329
Let's go!
Let's go!
502
00:20:48,429 --> 00:20:51,870
Where's the Shallots?!
Where are my Shallots?!
503
00:20:52,003 --> 00:20:53,773
Coming right up, Chef!
504
00:21:04,483 --> 00:21:08,568
These are not even prepped.
I thought you
505
00:21:08,569 --> 00:21:10,271
worked at a Michelin
Star restaurant.
506
00:21:10,272 --> 00:21:13,178
Sorry, Chef. I was
referring to my tires.
507
00:21:13,212 --> 00:21:14,915
Ugh. Alright.
I'm going to be blunt.
508
00:21:14,916 --> 00:21:15,849
This is not working out.
509
00:21:15,850 --> 00:21:18,322
But it is my dream
to become a chef.
510
00:21:18,323 --> 00:21:19,758
Well, maybe you should consider
511
00:21:19,759 --> 00:21:22,030
something more
suited to your skillset.
512
00:21:22,063 --> 00:21:24,801
Like, I dunno, an Uber!
513
00:21:27,339 --> 00:21:29,811
Searching for "cliffs near me".
514
00:21:29,861 --> 00:21:34,411
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