Original subtitles

We are back in the studio, having shown the type of crime

which occurs in London, keeping the police force constantly employed.

But now, we're taking you over to a little village on the coast.

'In the sleepy little hamlet of Turnbotham Round, there are no criminals.

'Not a single conviction has been recorded.

'Not even a name in the charge book.

'Turnbotham Round is envied throughout the south of England

'as the village without crime.

'The police station, in an old watchtower,

'is the least-used building in the neighbourhood.

'Ladies and gentlemen, the police station, Turnbotham Round.'

Well, here we are, in the police station of the village without crime.

We have with us, as an audience, the Squire and all the local celebrities.

The absence of crime in this happy village

is due to the efficient and indefatigable efforts

of the head of the local police force, Sergeant Dudfoot.

- (Applause) - (Mouths)

- (Presenter) Sergeant Dudfoot. - Oh, is it me? Oh.

- Good evening! - Further back and not so loud.

I see, farther back, yes. "Is it true you've had no crime?"

- No, no, that's my bit. - Oh, is it? Oh.

I'm sorry, that's his bit.

Is it true that you've had no crime here for ten years?

Oh, we're starting again. Er, yes, that is true.

- And how long is it since the last crime? - Ten years, five weeks, four days.

And how long have you been in charge of this police station?

- Ten years, five weeks, four days. - I can't believe it.

Well, that's what it says here.

Very commendable, Sergeant. A record like yours deserves a reward.

- Hey, where is it? - Here.

I have merely done my duty. I do not expect any reward.

I don't remember approving that line.

When you say there has been no crime, you mean no big crime?

- I mean none, big or little. - What about minor offences,

such as pilfering or poaching?

There has been no poaching for ten years, five weeks, four days.

- Amazing record. - I haven't seen a poacher since...

Since you've been here. Definitely an achievement.

I doubt there's another country area in England without at least one poacher.

For an agricultural district like this to have no case of poaching in ten years,

it says a great deal for the control you exercise over the villagers.

You made us miss the broadcast.

- You ain't half being narky. - I'll be more narky if I miss me dinner.

(Bell tinkles)

- Get up, they're making a broadcast. - I didn't do it on purpose.

Get some light in here. That's better. If we hurry, we'll just make it.

- (Muttering) - Are they still talking?

You said you'd remember the broadcast.

- No, I said I'd remember to remind you. - Well, why didn't you?

- Because I forgot. - You always forget.

- Come on. - All right, wait for me.

(Presenter)... an example to police everywhere.

Sergeant Dudfoot's staff have returned from their lonely beats.

Two splendid fellows. One is a fine, youthful figure and the other is...

- They don't wanna hear about him. - Sorry we're late.

Constable Brown, you have helped to keep this village free from crime.

- Not half! - Farther back.

- The village must be proud of you. - My girl, Emily, says...

- There's a nice thing to say. - There's nothing rude in that.

Sh.

How long have you been on the force?

- 12 months next muck spreading. - Muck spreading? It says April.

- It is muck spreading. - Quiet.

He should stick to the script. It isn't gardening.

You've never been called upon to arrest even a drunk?

- Oh, no, no drunks here. - (Drunken singing outside)

(Coughs) Tell the choirboys the street's not the place to practise.

- Yes, Sergeant. - And how about you, Constable...

Harbottle, pleased to meet you.

Harbottle, you control traffic and you've never had a case of speeding.

No. I'd have had the bracelets on them if I had.

(Engine roars past)

- The doctor must have an urgent case. - Urgent?

Yeah. Probably going to Mrs Hockett. She always leaves it till the last minute.

I must apologise for this old fool. If he opens his mouth, he sticks his foot in it.

He comes butting in, he's got no right.

- What's more... - You've been faded out.

What about the other pages? It's all your fault. I say...

I'm sorry this happened, you were doing splendidly.

You know how it is. The BBC always fade out the best items.

- Good night. - Good night.

The least I can do is thank you. Of course, police officers can't accept fees.

- Does that come under this? Pity. - If there's a charity I can contribute...

- We have the police outing fund. - It's going to be difficult to get that in.

- No, it isn't. There we are. Thank you. - Good night.

Good night. Come and say good night to the gentleman.

- Good night. - (All) Good night.

(Brown) I got it first! (Harbottle) Give us it!

- We aren't open yet. - Got plenty for you this morning.

Have you? They can wait for their money. Shove 'em in next door.

(Bell tinkles)

(Coughs)

- Hello, Ernie, how's the missus? - Very nice, thanks.

- I've got the Sergeant's post. - All that lot? What's he been up to?

(Bell tinkles)

- (Sighs) Coming out tonight, Emily? - I've got a date.

- With Harry Pringle, the fish boy? - What have you got on Harry?

I thought a girl like you would aim higher than an eel-skinner.

- He takes me to the pictures. - Pictures. What's the matter with you?

You go and pass out at Robert Taylor and Clark Gable.

Takes you ages to get used to me again.

You're jealous cos Harry's got a motorbike.

I wouldn't take one of my girls out on a motorbike.

Bumping up and down on the pillion, getting disfigured for life.

- Back of a motorbike's OK by little Emily. - I bet you wouldn't come out in my car.

Your car. You haven't got a car. It belongs to the police.

You're afraid to take me out in it.

- Says who? - Says me.

Be at the crossways at half past five tonight and we'll see.

I might, now you've bought me sweets. So long, honey bunch.

Eh?

'Ere, 'ere, 'ere, 'ere, 'ere, d-d-don't empty them all over the broken biscuits.

Who are they for, the governor?

- Ooh, all those for me? - Perhaps they're Christmas cards.

- What, in November? - It's your fan mail after your broadcast.

- How do you know? - I opened one or two.

- Do you know that's an offence? - Yes.

And so was your broadcast.

'Ere, lumme. What's all that lot?

- My fan letters. - Any for me?

- There's one with OHMS on it. - That'll be from the BBC,

wanting to fix up another broadcast.

Yes.

"Dear Sir, re your broadcast.

"Your failure to effect a single arrest for ten years, five weeks, four days

"would strongly suggest that the police station in your area is unnecessary.

"An investigation will shortly be made to decide whether to transfer you

"or to retire you and your staff from the force altogether.

"Yours faithfully, John Cronshaw, Chief Constable."

- Oh dear. - Transferred or retired. It's a bit thick.

I don't want to retire until I'm an old man.

You're older than the pyramids now.

It's your fault. Your blooming broadcast.

There's gratitude. After I made him a policeman.

- You had to when his nephew resigned. - "Resigned"!

- He did a bunk with the sports funds. - You kept him on the payroll.

- Without me, you'd have no Harbottle. - And you couldn't keep half his wages.

That's commission. What about that petrol you use, taking your girl out?

Well? It's not yours, it's police petrol.

That's got nothing to do with it, it's the principle of the thing.

There's no use fighting. What are we gonna do about this letter?

If the chief wants arrests, he's gonna have arrests.

We've gotta find some crime, that's all. Let me see, er...

'Ere, I know where there's some crime.

- Where? - In the News Of The World.

- We can't wait till Sunday. - Has Mrs Clifford paid her dog licence?

- Well, she has, in a way. - What do you mean, in a way?

She tossed me double or quits and I lost.

- We could get her for gambling. - No, she's my best customer.

Dog biscuits and a Bob Martin's every Friday.

We're gonna arrest someone even if we offend them.

What about poaching?

(Both) No.

- No. - (Engine approaching)

- That's that doctor again. - You know he hasn't got a car.

He's only got a bike.

Hey! Hey! Come back here!

You can't go tearing through here on... This is a restricted area!

There's an idea. Restricted area. We'll set a speed trap. We'll get arrests.

- Where's my stopwatch? - I gave it to Harbottle.

- I, er, I boiled it. - You what?

I had the egg in one hand, the watch in the other, I put the wrong one in.

- Well, bring the egg. - What shall I do with that?

Suck it and see.

Hee. Hm.

All right, I'm ready!

- Get in the hedge! - All right!

- I don't see how you're gonna work it. - It's simple.

When a car passes him, he'll start his watch and drop his handkerchief.

- What do I do? - When you see his hanky, start yours.

- Who's gonna stop the motorist? - I am.

I'm gonna stop every car that passes.

- Ah, you didn't stop that one. - I wasn't ready.

- Set your watch by mine. - (Honk)

- Sounds like another car. - Get in the hedge over there.

(Whistles)

- You were exceeding the speed limit. - Don't talk rot.

- Oh, yes you were. - How much was I doing?

Oh, er, all in good time. Albert! Harbottle!

- What was he doing? - 25 minutes.

- Those are seconds! - I was looking at the wrong hand.

- What do you make it? - 25 seconds.

So do I. You did the measured furlong in 25 seconds.

What of it? That's only 20 miles an hour.

Ah, but, er, 20 miles each. There are three of us, that makes it 60.

60? What are you gibbering about? 25 seconds, one furlong.

Work it out.

Oh, that's easy. Got a pencil? I suppose you think we can't do it.

There you are. Let me see, now. What is it, er?

- 220 yards multiplied by eight... - Here, not on my bonnet.

- All right, we're doing it to oblige you. - Yes, we're courtesy cops.

220 yards multiplied by eight, that's er, 1,760...

- and divide by 25 seconds. - The thing to do is reduce it to hours.

- Reduce seconds to hours? - How long do you expect me to wait?

Till we've finished. You asked for it.

- I've done it. - Have you?

25 minus 220, divided by 60 is... According to this, he hasn't got here yet.

- Here. 1,760 divided by 25 gives us 70... - 70? It's gone up.

- That's nearly 80 miles an hour. - Oh, rot.

- Ask him for his licence. - I wanna see your licence.

- I haven't got a licence. - Huh?

- I haven't got a licence. - He hasn't got a licence.

- Ask him for his insurance. - Let me see your insurance.

I'm not insured.

- You haven't got a licence or insurance? - No.

- He hasn't got a licence or insurance. - Oh.

It's a lucky thing for you, you've just saved your bacon.

- I can go? - I can't endorse your licence

if you haven't got one. Go on, hop it.

- And next time, bring one with you. - Yeah.

- It's a waste of time. - Who's wasting their time?

- Ten minutes to work out a simple sum. - It isn't our fault, it's the posts.

- What's the matter with them? - They're 220 yards apart.

- So what? - There's 60 seconds in a minute,

- 60 into 220 won't go. - That's right.

If we made it 20, it's four.

- Four. - Four times a minute.

Oh. That seems very often, doesn't it?

You don't understand. If we move that post a bit this way, it's easier to divide.

Why didn't you say so instead of...

- Oh. - Put your beef in it.

- I am putting beef in it. - Pull, pull, pull, pull.

There you are. There it is. Now.

We'll step it out, 20 yards. You bring the post.

(Albert and Dudfoot) One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven...

- (Car horn) - Sounds like another car.

- All right. We're all agreed, he's doing 60. - Right.

Run up the road, get ready to drop your handkerchief.

- Hey, I haven't got a handkerchief. - Drop your sleeve or whatever you use.

- W-Where shall I put this? - Put it anywhere. Stick it there.

- It won't stick here. - Well, stick it... Never mind, hold it.

Get your watch ready.

(Whistle)

- What's the meaning of this? - Have you got a licence?

- Of course. - You have? Then you're for it, my lad.

- You were doing 60. - I was doing what?

- Er, 60. - Absolute nonsense.

- Ah, what was this man doing? - (Albert and Harbottle) 60.

You have evidence to tell me that I was doing... What's that?

- A policeman. - Yes.

- What's he doing with that thing? - That? Ha ha! That's evidence.

- Evidence, I... - Quiet. Quiet. Now you, say "truly", er...

- "Truly rural." - Yes, that's right.

- Truly rubbish. - Drunk as well. Boys, arrest him.

- What? - Anything you say'll make it worse!

- Put the handcuffs on... - Hold that.

- Leave it to me, I'll... Ow! - Hey! Stop throttling my constable!

Oh, I see, resisting arrest, eh? All right, boys, leave him be.

- That's got him. - Get in and drive him to the station.

- Righto. I tell you something. - What?

- He wasn't going very fast at all. - Fast or slow, the law's the law. Go on.

We've got a case at last. Did you search him?

Yep. One pocketbook, one watch, one penknife, no money.

- One penknife and no what? - No money.

- Come on, turn out your pockets. - Oh, one penknife and 15 bob.

Will you never be honest? He's as much our prisoner as yours.

Five bob each.

Let's see what his name is. Has he got anything inside?

(Sighs)

- Oh. - What's it say?

- What's the matter? - We've pinched the Chief Constable.

- That's a hitch, innit? - Let's get him out before he comes to.

When he wakes up, we don't know anything about this.

- We'll ask him how he got here. - Sh.

I know - tell him there's been an accident.

When he finds out, there will be one.

After that clout, he won't know what's happened.

- Where you going? - I'm going to fix the accident.

Hey!

- Hey, what are you doing? - I'm kicking the front of the car in.

That won't look like an accident. You want to drive it into something.

- That's an idea. - Hurry up. He'll come to any minute.

- Where's the starter? - It's that knob over there. Let me do it.

Lumme, you're switching on the lights. There's the self-starter.

Ooh! Oh, look at my flowerpots.

- You didn't tell me you'd left it in gear. - You didn't give me time.

Oh, well. They can't say there hasn't been an accident.

(Groaning)

Ah, you feeling better now, sir?

You scoundrels. I'll have you in jail for this.

- He's delirious. - Delirious, why I...

Take it easy, sir, you've had an accident.

What? You assaulted me.

- That's right. - No, you had an accident.

- An accident. - Yes. You suddenly left the road

- and smashed into the shop next door. - You impudent scoundrels.

- If you don't believe us, come and look. - Come and have a look, sir.

- You assaulted me on the high road. - Nothing of the kind, sir.

- We haven't been out all day. - You accused me of speeding.

- Hallucination. - Yes. Very common after an accident.

- What? - Specially a nasty one like this. Look.

- What have you done to my car? - Keep calm, sir.

- It'll come back to you. - It hasn't gone away from me.

You stopped me for speeding and accused me of being drunk.

- Pure hallucination. - Hallucination.

Yes, luca, luca... that's right.

Are you telling me that, for no reason, I crashed into this shop?

- Exactly. - I refuse to believe such nonsense.

- Excuse me but it's true. - What?

I was in the saddler's shop and saw the whole thing.

- You did? - Who's this?

- This is the Squire. - You substantiate this man's story?

- Definitely. - Well.

- You come with me. - Er, yes.

Thank you very much.

If there's anything in this story, how do you explain this bump?

Did you hit your head on the windscreen?

I can't hit the windscreen with the back of my head.

- Maybe you was in reverse. - Oh.

Albert Brown, I've been waiting over half an hour.

- Shut up, this is the Chief Constable. - I didn't know you had a friend.

- I could have brought Aggie. - Who is this woman?

- Emily, sir. - What?

- She's my bird. - Your what?

She's his bit. She's a parlour maid at the manor. Run along. We're busy.

- What about? - Just a minute.

(lnaudible)

What is all this about?

He wants to know if he can go to the pictures.

- Certainly he can. - Thanks, Chief.

- Would you like to go? - No, I went last Wednesday.

- And you? - I prefer a book by the fire.

- Oh, you do. - Good night, all.

- Goodbye, whatsyourname. Abyssinia. - Good night.

Bright girl, isn't she?

What about a little drink? Eh? Oh, they're not open yet.

- I'll take a jug, Mrs Davis'll let me have it. - What?

- She always has. - Good idea. Do you prefer mild or bitter?

- Take the large jug. - Stay where you are.

I expected to find a den of incompetence. But I never thought it'd be as bad as this.

A constable going to the pictures, drinks out of hours.

Is that the way to run a police station? You call this a police force?

- How old are you? - 2.

- More like 82. - It's the life he's led.

- It's seeing it what done it. - Seeing what?

- The ghost. - What ghost?

The headless horseman driving hearse. Horrible, it was.

I lost me hair and me teeth fell out, all in a night.

Take no notice. He has hallucinations too.

- It's true. - Oh, true.

Yes. What's more, I know other people...

This place is run by a pack of idiots.

The most inefficient rabble that ever called itself a police force.

Apparently you consider incompetence, illegality and discourtesy

to be the manifestations of a policeman's duty.

You'll hear more of this.

Er, goodbye, Chief Constable.

Thank you for calling. We'll look after everything. Yes.

- Move along, there's nothing to see. - (Man) All right.

Lumme, now you've offended him.

What do you wanna tell him a silly story like that for?

- Headless horseman. - It's true. Ask them down in the village.

- Have you seen it? - No.

What about that yarn about your teeth?

I had to say something or he'd have checked my birth certificate.

What, the Domesday Book? Let's start packing.

- Packing? - So we're ready for the boot.

Are we leaving the dear old home?

We're gonna be kicked out into the dear old gutter.

(Sighs)

- Don't look so good. - You can't go out like that.

If we could do something sensational, get the Daily Express behind us...

I tell you what. Arrest someone for speeding.

What do you think we've been doing? And look where it got us.

We've got to arrest a famous criminal. What criminals are there?

- Guy Fawkes. - Lumme. He's dead.

He wasn't a criminal, he invented fireworks.

There had to be a crime here. Aren't there records?

- The old charge books, down the cellar. - Let's have a look.

- Bring your bull's-eye with you. - (Muttering) Bull's-eye, there it is.

(Harbottle) Can you see? (Dudfoot) Yeah.

- You're in a muddle down here. - I'm gonna tidy it up tomorrow.

What's the good of putting off what we shan't be here to see?

- Where are your books? - Here.

- Oh, yes. - Here we are.

- Try this one, shall we? - Yes.

- Oh. - I say.

- Ooh. - Oh.

- 1753. That's going back a bit, isn't it? - Is, yeah.

Ah. Here's a crime. Highway robbery.

- No good, that's legal now. - Is it?

Yes. Daniel Gould was convicted of sheep stealing.

What did he get?

Was sentenced to be hurdled, hanged, drawn and quartered. Blimey.

George Conaughey did slay, kill and wilfully murder his wife

- by throwing her off a cliff. - What did they do to him?

He was fined four and sixpence.

That don't seem right, do it?

Oh, I'm sorry, my mistake, 1 and sixpence.

Yes, wait a minute. Larceny... piracy... treason...

resisting the press gang,

whistling in church. These are no good to us.

Haven't you got other books, something on up-to-date crime?

I got some Sexton Blakes in the shop.

You have? Why didn't you say so?

Let's go and have a look at them.

They might give us an idea, if nothing else.

'Ere, you got a customer.

- Oh, good evening. - Good evening, Sergeant.

- Anything wrong? - Well, yes, sir, in a way.

You see, it's like this. My brother, Alfred, he's a lighthouse keeper.

This morning, he had to go off on his month's duty in the lighthouse, see.

- Yes. Yes, I see. - And he didn't want to go.

And why didn't he want to go?

- I'll bite. Why didn't he want to go? - Because of our poor, old grandmother.

She's been ailing for years now, poor soul.

And now, she's hovering at death's door.

But as I says to Alf, duty's duty. And the lighthouse must be lit.

Oh, yes, of course.

Then, suddenly, I gets an idea. "How about a signal?" I says to Alf.

Yes. What did Alf say?

Alf says, "If you could do that, I'd be easy in my mind."

- "All right," I says. - You says?

I says. "I'll hang a light where you can see it from the lighthouse.

"And while that there light's still burning, you'll know our granny's still with us."

- Good idea. - So I thought maybe you wouldn't mind

if I put it on top of the tower here, so as Alf can see it.

This being the highest point hereabouts.

By all means. Why, if anything happened to the old lady, I'd never forgive myself.

- Up the stairs, till you come to the top. - Thank you, Sergeant.

(Harbottle sobbing)

What's the matter with you?

I'm thinking about his poor, old grandmother.

Out there, alone in a lighthouse.

His grandmother's not in the lighthouse. She's hovering round death's door.

He'll put that light up there so his brother knows her light's not been put out.

I don't know how to thank you, Sergeant.

That's all right. Anything in the cause of charity.

- Charity, yes, the box. - No need for you to give anything.

Half a crown. We'd have done it for nothing, you know.

- That's all right. Good night, Sergeant. - Good night.

I was thinking about his poor, old granny.

- You owe me one and thruppence. - Do I? Lmagine you've got it.

- We'll go and look at your Sexton Blake. - Don't pinch me arm.

- Come on. Where's the crime section? - Here you are. Here it is.

Dauntless Desmond Or The Bloodstained Sheikh.

That's a hot one, that is. Read where he's alone with her in the ossis.

- In the what? - In the ossis.

- You mean office? - I mean ossis.

In the oasis, that means he had a date with her.

Dauntless Desmond. Should be "Dirty Dick".

While you've been out, we've reached a crisis.

You'd reached that before I went out.

If we don't find some crime by tomorrow, we're out.

You got a shelf full of crime. Bill The Body Snatcher,

Sam The Smuggler... Smuggling. There's your crime.

- Smuggling? - We'll catch some smugglers.

- Oh, grand, and where do we find them? - We don't. We stage a smuggle.

We find a keg of brandy on the beach with witnesses.

- What good does that do? - We'd stay here to find the smugglers.

How do we find smugglers if there aren't any? We haven't got brandy, either.

- I got some brandy. - What are you doing with brandy?

- It's in case I get toothache. - You're more likely to get gum-ache.

- Well, go and get the brandy. - Who's in charge, here?

- You were but you got the bullet. - I did not.

Until the bullet lands, you take orders from me. I'll have nothing to do with it.

Please yourself. Come on. We wanna keep our jobs.

- You mean you're gonna defy me? - Certainly.

- What about me? - You can help.

Oh and what do I do?

We put the brandy on the beach, then go for a witness.

- Who leaves the brandy? - You and Harbottle.

- I suppose you get the witness. - Yes.

No. You put the brandy on the beach and I'll get the witness.

(Thunder crashing)

- There's a storm coming. - You're telling me.

Go on.

Put it down there.

- What's your name and address? - Seth Munro. 6, Fisherman's Cottages.

You'll hear from us officially. Thank you.

- Good night. - Good night. Goodbye.

- Sir... - I know, there's a storm coming up.

Hello, hello. Give me Dorminster 6666. I want the Chief Constable.

This is very urgent. Hello. Hello? Come on.

Yes, I know I'm in a hurry. This is important.

I don't care if he is in bed, get him out of bed. I want to talk to him at once.

Hey, hey, one's enough.

- One what? - One keg of brandy.

- What? - Hello, Chief Constable?

- I'll hang on. - Why are you ringing him?

Tell him about the brandy on the beach.

- We haven't taken it yet. - What?

- We haven't taken it yet. - We've been emptying it.

- That's right. - What are you babbling about?

- I brought the brandy. - You couldn't have done.

There it is.

- Another one. - That's a hitch.

You mean to tell me... Hello.

It's the Chief Constable. What shall I say?

You rang him, you think of something.

(High-pitched voice) Erm, is that Motherby's ARP department?

Oh, it isn't? Oh, wrong number. I'm so glad.

(Mutters) There, see.

- It's rum. Good stuff too. - Leave it alone. It doesn't belong to you.

- Who does it belong to? - We're gonna find out.

- Are you sure you didn't leave that one? - We've only got one keg and there it is.

(Dudfoot) Where's the other one from? (Harbottle) Perhaps it was washed up.

(Albert) What does it matter?

- It doesn't affect our story. - Let's drink it.

- What will that get us? - A good booze-up.

All our plan's mucked up. We cast our bread upon the waters

and back comes a keg of rum that we don't want.

Get three glasses.

- Oh! It's gone! - What? Ooh.

(Woman screams, banging)

- W-What was that? - Perhaps it was the wind.

(Woman screams, banging)

- That wasn't the wind. - That's someone at the door.

(Woman) Help! Help!

- (Banging) - Go on, let her in.

- You do it. You're in charge. - Open that door.

- Not me. Early closing, shop hat. - You can't be shop hat in an emergency.

- It's stopped. Perhaps she's gone home. - She wouldn't kick up a row, then go.

- Maybe she's at the wrong house. - Open the door and see.

- Why me? - Go on. Go on.

Oh! Ooh! Oh! Oh dear.

Help! Help! Help! Police! Police!

Shut up, you old idiot. We are the police.

- It's Emily. - I'd better feel her heart.

No, she's my bird. Jerry, fetch me some water.

(Dudfoot) She's only fainted.

- (Emily) Oh. - She's coming round.

Oh, Albert, Albert! I've seen it. I've seen it!

- What have you been showing her? - I don't know.

- She was all right when she left me. - Here she comes again.

- It was horrible. - It's all right. Get the chair. It's all right.

You're in good hands now. Sit down. There.

Would you care to make a statement? Exactly what happened?

Well, I'd been to the pictures with Albert in the police car.

I see. Been to pictures with Constable Brown in bus.

Then I went home and remembered a letter I had to post.

I got me bicycle to go to the pillar box.

- As I got to the five crossways... - Were you assaulted?

No.

What a pity. We could have taken steps.

I got to the five crossways

when galloping towards me, there was an 'earse with no 'ead.

- A what? - The driver had no head.

He was an 'earseman, an 'eadless horseman.

'Ere. Come here. She been going out with you too?

- No, no. - How's she got the same story?

- I don't know. - It's true, I tell you, I saw it.

- Poor kid. Feeling better? - Yes. I'm OK now.

I'll take her home.

Leave us here? Not likely. We'll all take her home.

- Frightened? - No. I was thinking of her reputation.

Come on, my dear.

(Thunder)

- Allow me. - Okey-doke. Thanks for the buggy ride.

- Good night. - Good night.

- Good night, toots. - Night, honey.

- Night. - Good night.

Come on, toots, step on it.

Wait a minute, Sir Walter Raleigh's not in.

(Albert) Night, honey, night.

- (Yawning) - 'Ere, it must be about one o'clock.

I haven't been out so late since my father got married.

- Eh? - Yes, his fourth wife.

- Oh, I see. - 'Ere, I hope we don't meet that hearse.

That's a load of poppycock. Who ever heard of a headless driver?

- Wouldn't pass his tests. - Something scared Emily.

Maybe she saw Harbottle through the window.

You can't believe all a hysterical girl says...

What's the matter?

Look...

- It's the phantom hearse. - It's a horse and cart with its end on fire.

It's the phantom hearse, I tell you. Look at the driver's head.

(Dudfoot) What? (Harbottle) He ain't got one.

He's got it tucked in. It's not coming this way.

That's just what it is doing. Look!

- Hey, get it on the grass verge. - Where is the ruddy grass verge?

- He's gonna go right through us! - It's not galloping through me. Reverse.

Go through the manor gates. Swing it quick. Come on.

Just made it.

You should have kept your eyes on the road instead of talking.

Yes, well, we needn't go any further. We've given the hearse the slip.

- 'Ere, listen, listen. - What's the matter?

- Hooves. - Hooves?

Lumme. It's followed us in here.

- See where it went? - (Albert) Where did it go?

It went in the garage. It's no more a ghost than he is.

- Through the doors? - No, the doors opened to let it in.

- Who opened 'em? - How do I know?

- They're ghost doors. - Ghost doors!

I'll show you whether they're ghosts or not. Come on, ostrich.

- (Horn beeps) - Oh.

Come on, open up in the name of the law.

Come on. It'll be all the worse for you if you don't.

What are you standing there for?

I'll tell you what, you pull on the one door and I'll...

(Harbottle whimpering, Albert shouting)

That's funny. Where's it gone to?

It's gone through and out the other side.

Gone through the other side! Don't be ridiculous.

- This is a solid wall. - Do you know where we are?

- No. - It's the Squire's garage.

- Is it? - Let's tell him.

- Tell him what? - We're here.

There's a bright idea(!) Let's examine these walls.

Oh. Ooh.

(Whimpering)

- I wanna tell you something. - What's the matter?

Oh, God. There's three of us and there's four shadows on the wall.

(Dudfoot) One, two, three, f... Oh!

- You're right, Jerry. There's one over. - I'll tell you something else.

- What? - The other man hasn't got no head.

(All) Oh!

(All) Oh!

(Phone)

- Perhaps you believe me now. - Ah, it's a load of nonsense.

I expect there's an explanation. Answer that phone.

- It might be the headless horseman. - How can he talk? Albert, you answer it.

Hello.

- It's the Chief Constable. - Good heavens.

- Good evening, sir. - Where have you been?

As a matter of fact, we've been out on a job.

- He says, "What job?" - Tell him about the horseman.

- Do you think I should? - Course. We've all seen it.

Remember that story about the ghost that made Harbottle's teeth drop out?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

It's all your fault, that is. Er, yes, I'm listening, Chief.

Stop giving me this bilge about ghosts. There's smuggling in your district.

Smuggling? We know all about that. Our witness must have been talking.

- We've got evidence. A whole keg full. - Boatloads have been smuggled in.

Boatloads? There must be real smugglers then. Er, I mean, others.

Listen, one of His Majesty's revenue cutters

has observed a light in Turnbotham Round.

Yes. They believe this light is a steering light for smugglers.

Oh. Oh dear. Albert, take this down.

From the east side of Drake's Seat, to a point due north,

from Shoe Hill, off Turnbotham Round,

by northeast, west by north.

Aye aye, sir. Have you got that?

- How do you spell aye aye? - Get the map. This is our big chance.

If we can stop that light, he can't sack us. Get the compass.

This might get us a promotion.

The compass is ten minutes fast.

That's all right... What do you mean? How can we find where we are with it?

Point north to northwest and northeast gives you south.

- Suppose we wanna go north? - Give me those, I'll find it.

- Go on. - (Albert) There's the channel.

(Dudfoot) There's the north rock. (Albert) If we bring a line from there...

- Evening all. - Oh, good evening.

Can I take my lamp down now, Sergeant?

- Down. Why, is Joe's grandmother? - Yeah.

Oh.

- She's much better now. - Yea...

Well, I'm glad about that. You can find your own way. We're busy.

Right. I'll get it, Sergeant.

- Who's that? - Coastguard.

I never seen him. What's he want?

When you were out courting, he came round...

You mind your own business. Get on with your bearings.

- Found that light yet? - I've only just found Drake's Seat!

Here we are. North by point east, that brings us here.

Northeast by Shoe Rock brings us here.

What does it say where the lines intersect?

It says the police station.

Police station?

Ha! That's ridiculous, innit? I mean there's no lamp hanging...

'Ere. Didn't that bloke say something about a lamp?

- That's right. - Yes.

That's for the fella on the lighthouse. His grandmother's ill.

As long as he can see that light, he knows she hasn't...

- She hasn't put a light... It's a signal. - It sounds fishy to me.

- I'll tell you... - Don't start.

- Whose grandmother is she? - His brother Joe's.

- Who's Joe? - He's on the lighthouse.

- I want to tell you... - Shut up.

We just have to find out whether Joe keeps a lighthouse.

- I don't want to tell you now. - All right, peevish, what is it?

I've lived here 60 years, I've never seen a lighthouse.

- Neither have I. - You haven't?

- Why didn't you say, instead of crying? - I was sorry for his poor granny.

If he hasn't got a lighthouse, how can he have a granny?

I got a granny but no lighthouse.

(Thud)

- Oh, what shall we do? - Leave it to me. I'll deal with him.

Good night, all.

(Quietly) Good night.

- You were gonna deal with him. - You expect me to arrest him?

- Course. - Let everyone know the light was here?

- That's bright(!) - What do we do?

We can plant the light on someone else. Look...

Bring that line down here so that it puts the light on top of the pub.

Woo!

It's a pebble. I wonder what they want to wrap it up for.

Give me that. There may be a message on it.

Well, I like that. "Fred Jackson, draper, Turnbotham Round."

Lumme, Jackson advertising again.

Well, that window's gonna cost him.

- There's something on the other side. - What?

"Keep your nose out of things that don't concern you.

"Dead men tell no tales.

- "You have been warned." - What's that?

(Muttering)

"Dead men tell..." Well, what does that mean?

- It couldn't be much plainer, could it? - They can't threaten the police.

- Besides, what could they do? - Suppose that pebble had been a bomb.

Don't talk nonsense. This is England, they don't throw bombs here.

- Sh. - What is it?

- Can you hear a ticking sound? - No.

I can.

It's the clock. What's up with you?

- It can't be the clock. It's got no works. - What is it?

B-B-B-B-Bombs.

- I can only hear it faintly now. - Sounds very near to me.

- Oh, I think it's in here. - I can hear it now.

It's somewhere about here.

- (Ticking) - It's on you.

W-What are you hiding for? Don't stand there. Bring the fire bucket.

- What for? - Just do as you're told.

I know what to do with bombs, I learnt in the ARP.

Oh!

That was a gallant deed and you saw me do it.

There, see.

- Watches. Where'd you get these? - I picked them up in the garage.

Swiss watches. There'll be a duty on these. Supposing they were smuggled.

- So the hearse isn't a ghost? - I'll tell you...

Don't start. I'll find that hearse. There's far too much disappearing round here.

The keg, the hearse. Him next and we'll all be happy.

- I want to tell... - Shut up.

Didn't want to hear about the lighthouse. I'll keep me secret to myself.

- I don't suppose we missed anything. - It's about the hearse.

- Legend says it's to do with smuggling. - Eh, what's that?

- Tells you where they came from. - What is the legend?

- Won't tell you. - Oh, come on, cough it up.

- It's in rhyme. - All right.

"When the tide runs low in the devil's cove

"And the headless horseman is seen above

"He drives along with his wild 'Hello'

"Lickety-spit, lickety-spit"

- Lickety-spit, lickety-spit? - I put that in cos I forgot the last line.

- Try and remember. It may be the clue. - No good. That's why I put the spit in.

Would it be, "As he drives along with a wild 'Hello'

"And into the garage the whole lot go"?

You might as well say,

"They go in the garage cos they couldn't stop, flippety-flop, flippety-flop".

- No. That's not it. - Is there anybody knows this last line?

- Yes, one man. My father. - Who?

- My father. - Your father?

Does he drive the hearse?

- No. - What good would your father be to us?

- We can communicate with him. - By rapping on a table?

- No, rapping on his door. - You've got a father living?

- Yes. - Do they hold him together with wire?

- Where is this ancient Briton? - Turnbotham West. I'll take you.

Come on, we're gonna meet Adam.

(Knocking)

Who is it?

- Only me, Daddy. - Don't stand over there.

Come over here. Where I can see you.

Oh, it's you, is it? What are you doing here?

Has school broken up? Here, who are you?

- Sergeant Dudfoot of the local police. - A copper, eh?

What's the young rascal been up to? Breaking windows again?

At his age? Takes him all his time to break the bread to put in his milk.

What do you want to wake me up at this time of night for? Eh?

- It's like this, Dad... - You shut up, I'll tell him.

It's like this, Dad. We need advice.

We wanna know the last line of an old rhyme.

I know lots of old rhymes. (Chuckling)

Yes, I bet you do. But it's not one of those. Now, listen.

"When the tide runs low in the smugglers' cove

"And the headless horseman's seen above

"As he drives along with a wild 'Hello'..."

Something, something, "oh".

- Remember it? - Yes, I remember.

"When the tide runs low in the smugglers' cove

"And the headless horseman is seen above

"He's driving along with his wild 'Hello'..."

Yes?

- What's the last line? - Why, you silly old...

You old gentleman, that's why we're here.

Come on, Daddy, try and think.

Don't tell me, I've got it on the tip of me tongue.

Stick it out, let's have a look.

"Something, something, something, oh

"He drives along with his wild 'Hello'..."

We've had all that. We want the "something, something, something, oh".

- Oh. - (Groans) Listen.

Think back, forget what happened lately, don't worry about Balaclava. Listen -

"As he drives along with a wild 'Hello'..."

I've got it, I've got it...

"As the tide runs low in the smugglers' cove

"And the headless horseman is seen above

"He drives along with his wild 'Hello'

"That's when the smugglers go out in their little boats

"to the schooner and bring back kegs of brandy and rum

"and put 'em in the Devil's Cave below."

- See? - See what?

That's the last line.

- It doesn't even rhyme. - Oh, yes it does.

Listen. "As he drives along with his wild 'Hello'

(Recites quickly) "That's when the smugglers go out...

"...put 'em in the Devil's Cave below."

See?

- Is that the line you'd forgotten? - Yes.

I'm not surprised.

Yes, it's made me feel quite off.

I think I'll have a gum. Have one?

I'm hoarse listening to you. I'll have a blackcurrant.

- Ugh! Blackcurrant! - Don't you like them?

No, I always put 'em back.

"...Devil's Cave below." Below what?

- Below the cliff. - I've never seen any cave.

At high water it's covered up. You never look when the tide's out.

- I've been there many times. - What for?

- Smugglin'. - What?

- You come from a nice family(!) - Come on, the tide's low.

If we hurry we might catch them.

Oh, no you won't. They'd never find the channel.

- Oh, why not? - The light they used to steer by

- doesn't hang there any more. - That's what you think.

- Kiss him good night and we'll go. - Here, stop and have a cup of tea.

- Ma! Ma! - Ma?

You can't have a mother? Has he?

No, that's his wife. He married again in '96.

Oh, I see. Calf love, eh? Go on, we've no time for tea.

- Ain't you gonna see the old lady? - Not likely.

I'll stand for Adam but I'm blowed if I'll stand for Eve.

Good night, Daddy.

Come on, hurry up.

Get 'em in. The tide will be in in half an hour.

Here's the cove but, er... where's the cave?

Oh, there it is.

Look.

- Why have we never seen it? - I've never been this far.

That's quite an admission - this is part of your beat.

- Go on, get your boots off. - Go paddling in November? Not me!

- This is your superior officer talking. - Talking a lot of bilge.

Go in with boots on or off but you're going in anyway.

Heartless, you are. We'll all catch a cold.

It's foolhardy.

Hey, look 'ere. Look 'ere.

What's this?

- It's rum. - It is too. More over there.

We're on the right track.

Get it out the water and put it up there. Another bit of evidence for us.

- I thought there was no lighthouse. - That's no lighthouse.

- It's an avenue cutter. - You're sure they're policemen?

They've got uniforms and they're running a cargo.

- If that's not liquor, I'll eat my hat. - Give me those glasses.

- What do they want? - Looking for smugglers.

Interfering, eh? They're our smugglers and we'll get 'em first.

Come on, follow me.

(Albert) Oh, it's getting deep.

You realise the police station's on the highest point round here?

That's where that light was. Radio Dorminster Police immediately.

- Johnson, lower the starboard boat. - Sir.

I say, shouldn't we turn back now? It's getting a bit deep.

Your feet are still on the bottom, aren't they?

- All right for you, you're taller than me. - Hang on to Albert, stop moaning.

You'd better keep your chins up here, it dips a bit.

It's a bit cold.

- Harbottle's shut up. How is he? - He's hanging onto my waist.

Oh, good... Hey! He's underwater! Get him up out of there.

What are you doing down there, you chump?

I swallowed about five gallons of water.

You should've swallowed more, it'd be shallower.

Climb on his shoulders, go on.

- That's right. - Don't push me under.

- Up you go. What's the matter? - Shrimp!

Shrimp? Carry this lamp, that'll give you something to do.

- All right. - Now, follow me.

Patrol Boat D6 reports smuggling in Devil's Cave, sir.

Why don't they contact the local police?

They think the police are working with the smugglers.

What? That's ridiculous.

- Where is Devil's Cave? - Turnbotham Round.

Turnbotham Round? I might have known.

Call out the squad car. Tell them we'll have some men there right away.

Come on, hurry up.

How can I with the Old Man of the Sea on me back?

Let's go home. We'll have to swim for it.

No, it won't get any deeper than this.

(Both gasp and scream)

- Told you we'd have to swim. - I didn't swim, I sunk.

- Oh, look, a landing stage. - Oh, yes.

They've been doing a bit of landing there too.

Look, there's a tunnel here. We'll soon find out where they are.

There's another tunnel there, they might have gone either way.

I wonder what's in all these?

- Ooh, brandy. - Rum.

Gin! Ooh, look, here's a lot more. Perhaps they're opening a pub.

Who will they sell the stuff to? Mermaids?

Look, we'll toss up to see which tunnel we take.

- Heads, this way... - Tails we go home.

Not till we've found them. Has anyone got a penny?

- Well, we can't toss up for it. - Hey!

Cigarette end - still burning too.

Ooh! Turkish.

Don't smoke it! That's a clue. It proves they've gone this way.

Come on, after them.

(Dudfoot) Push, push, push, push.

Come on, put some beef in it.

(Gasping and straining)

- Well, we're getting somewhere. - I thought those steps would never end.

Yeah. Ooh, I say.

Hey, look at these barrels here.

- Looks like we've struck a beer mine. - Who ever heard of a beer mine?

- Well, you say, "Mine's a beer". - Yours will be a thick ear in a minute.

Here, there's a box of candles. That's a funny thing to smuggle.

- There's no duty on those. - Could be from abroad. Roman candles.

- I wonder what's in there. - Ooh, soap.

- How do you know? - Mine comes in this case.

- It is soap! - Likely just camouflage.

- No, it's Castile. - Look, there's a label.

- It's got your name on it. - Has it? What's it doing here?

- That's what I'd like to know. - So would I... Oh, look!

Here! This is the box I keep my tapioca in.

- Somebody raided our cellar. - Looks like it...

What? "Raided our cellar"! Can't you see where we are?

- No. - We're in our cellar.

Ooh! So we are.

There's impudence - storing the stuff in our own cellar.

They won't get away with that.

We'll hush it up, steal the stuff and teach 'em a lesson.

What, get ten years? No fear, we'll phone the Chief Constable.

Hello? Hello?

Get me Dorminster 6666 - the Chief Constable. It's urgent.

Look at the evidence - the stuff in the cellar, three watches...

- The Turkish fag end. - I'd forgotten that.

Not many people round here smoke these, it should be easy to trace.

- Cigarette? - Oh, the Squire.

You gave me quite a shock.

That's funny, you smoke the same cigarette our clue does.

- So it seems. - That's lucky. You could help us.

- You think I might? - Yes, I say...

This will come as a shock to you but there's smuggling going on.

- I know. - You know who it is?

Yes. It's me.

You? You're joking!

Oh, no, I'm not. I advise you to keep your nose out of it.

It'll be... healthier for you.

Healthier? Oh. Y-You mean that all this is?

- Oh dear. - What a hitch.

- Hello, yes? - I wouldn't answer if I were you.

Don't forget that the contraband is stored in your cellar

and the light was hung from your own police station.

Oh. I see his point.

I don't. It's illegal and I put my hands to the plough and...

- And what? - I'll take them off again.

- 'Ere, that's our evidence. - Shut up!

Hello, how's Daddy?

- Chief, the lorry's waiting. - Tell them we'll load at once.

(Dudfoot) Harbottle! Get the handcuffs out!

(Squire) Grab 'em, boys!

(Crashing and struggling)

(Albert) I've got one. (Harbottle) I've got another!

Hey! What's the idea of this?

- Who did? - All right, get a move on.

Goodbye, gentlemen. I don't suppose we'll see each other for some time.

- Come on, hurry up. - (Dudfoot) I'll get you for this!

You dirty... Listen...

You can't get away with this! I'll get you ten years each!

I know you all by sight and it won't be long

before I'm looking at you all through bars!

- Hurry up, boys. - (Man) Chief! Chief!

- What is it, Harry? - The revenue men are on to us.

- They're heading for the cave. - Quick boys, take all you can.

- Come on, boys... - Stop it, wait a minute.

- Why did you let them take the key? - They were kneeling on me.

You realise we'll have to go about fastened together.

Look at that lot, they can't be far away. Signal the second boat party.

(Blows whistle)

(Clunk, motor whirrs)

(Motor stops)

- Have you any idea how we can get out? - Yes, take the bar out.

Oh, you'd like me to just bite through one?

- No, the one that we used as a poker. - Which is it?

- This is it, there you are. - Oh, that's fine.

- I've got to go first. - All right.

- It's easy, come on. - W-Wait, wait for me!

- Come on. - Ow!

- Pull, come on. - Oh! Oww...

Now we're going after them to Five Oaks Coppice, come on.

Come on, crank her up. Crank her up.

- Come on. - (Crank squeaking)

Cooperate, can't you? How can I swing it unless you swing it too?

Oh, go on, go on.

That's it.

- We have to choke her. - How can I do that here?

- Harbottle can. - All right, I will, yes.

Hey! Hey! What are you trying to do - choke the engine or choke me?

Don't go to sleep there, get in the car!

Go on!

- Move over. - 'Ere, wait a minute.

Wait for me. Where am I gonna go? Come on, get up further.

Wait a minute.

Can't you run faster? You're pulling my arm off.

I'm only touching the ground now and then.

When you do touch the ground, jump farther!

- Jump on the running board. - (Gibbering) Th-There isn't one!

- Well, jump on the bracket. - All right...

(Gasping) I never thought of that.

There's a tunnel from the sea to this cellar and it's packed with contraband.

Find out if Dudfoot's about. Let's have a look at this.

Hey, pull up, pull up, pull up.

- There they are. - Cor, look.

Well, this looks like the last trip, sir.

- There's your headless horseman. - Shall we fill this in?

Don't bother. Tip the hearse in the quarry and scatter.

I'll get in touch with you later from London.

Hey, go on, tail that lot!

The missing car is a Black Morris, number FN829.

There are three wanted men in it. Right.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye, sir.

- How will we catch 'em without petrol? - We've another can.

Hop out and get it, go on.

Come on.

Come on!

- Oh, wait a minute. - (Morse code on radio)

- What's that noise? - Radio. May as well have a bit of music.

Music? We've enough on our minds without that rubbish.

Ow! Steady on, you've made me spill it.

- Use a funnel. - I haven't got one.

Use a bit of imagination - 'ere.

- There you are, use that. - All right.

- That's it. - (Radio) 'Calling all police patrols... '

- Who said that? - Hey, that's a police message.

(Radio) 'Keep watch for, and stop, black Morris Tourer, number FN829,

- 'travelling toward London.' - Oh, London Road. That's this road.

If we keep our eyes open we might catch them too.

'I will repeat that, car number FN829.'

- D'you get that number? - Got it? We've had it all the time.

- Eh? - Look.

I wonder what they want us for?

Probably heard about old Joe's grandmother.

'The car is driven by three wanted policemen.

- 'Their arrest is essential.' - Oh dear.

- 'I will repeat... ' - Don't bother, we heard you.

- Exciting, eh? - Get out the way.

We can't use this car, so we'll hide it and get a lift from somebody.

- Go on, off you go. - I'll steer it.

(Harbottle) Shove up!

- (Motorbike chugging) - There's something coming.

Let's stop it. Give me my helmet. Quick!

- Er, what have you got in that tin? - Only milk, sir.

Milk? At this time of the morning?

- I always deliver at this time, sir. - It looks highly suspicious to me.

- And to me. - Me too.

- Where's your milk book? - My what, sir?

- The book you put your milk in. - I haven't got one, sir.

Ooh, he hasn't got a milk book. You can't go round milking without a milk book.

- You go and get one now. - Yes, sir.

Oh, no, leave your bicycle where it is. We'll look after that.

Off you go, and run all the way.

- Shall we question that lorry's driver? - No time for that. Get ahead of it.

That's our lorry! You can see the tail-lights.

Open up the throttle! And get your beard out of the milk!

- It says "Stop". Put the brakes on! - I've got 'em on!

Slow it somehow - put your feet on the ground. Look out!

(Harbottle screaming)

Oh dear! Oh!

- Now look what you've done! - You messed with the handlebars.

(Man) Hey, what's the idea?

Didn't you see the signal? This'll cost you something.

I'll report you! I'll report you, see if I don't! You'll hear more about this!

Hey, look. Let's knock off this van.

We can't go about doing that. Besides, there may be somebody in it.

- No, there ain't. - Well, get in there. Go on.

Oi! Oi! Oi!

- I thought there was nobody in this. - I didn't see anyone.

Woo! 'Ere's a bit of fun, we own a coffee stall!

A coffee stall? So it is.

I'm gonna see if I can find any pork pies.

We've got to catch that lorry, no time for pork pies!

There's our lorry.

Hey, there's a van tailing us and it's got three coppers in it.

Well, I'll be... It's Dudfoot.

Take the next turning, we'll soon shake him off.

All right, but hold tight.

Go on, back up a bit.

He didn't even put his hand out.

Shaken him off yet?

- No, they're still after us. - All right, turn your lights out.

- (Albert) Hey, that's funny, they've gone. - What?

- Perhaps they left the road. - What, driven up a tree?

- Can't follow something that ain't there. - Let's have a good blowout.

- Maybe that wonky car will come by. - What?

You know, they spoke of it on the wireless, FN829.

FN82... That's our own car!

We shoved it up a side road, remember? FN829...

if you don't shut up you'll be RIP82.

- Go on, Albert. - Blimey.

Hey! Wake up, wake up, wake up!

What's the idea of being asleep on duty? Did you see that? He was actually...

Hey, wake up, will you!

Oh! There you are, you've ditched this now. Clever, aren't you?

I was driving all right while I was asleep - it's you waking me up.

- You're having a bit of bad luck. - Bad luck? I'm chained to it.

- How much longer? - OK, boss, we're all set now.

- Hey! There's our lorry! Look, come on. - Ooh!

Give me more room, I've never driven one of these before.

I can't help it, it wasn't made for three.

It wasn't made for one your size.

There's a bus following us now.

Great Scott, it's Dudfoot again.

The stolen bus has just come by, heading for the Weybridge Road.

(Radio) 'Calling all cars. Wanted bus seen in Weybridge.

'Proceed to that area.'

I'll complain about this, they never stop in the right place.

You queue and then run like blazes.

- Go on, it's green. - (Horns)

I'm not colour-blind. It won't start.

I know what's wrong. We haven't rung the bell.

- Haven't rung the bell... - We're off!

- (Blasts horn) - Move on, there.

- I've as much right to the road as you. - What's he playin' at?

(Dudfoot) Get out of it! (Albert) What are you doing?

- Blimey. - Is somebody behind us?

Someone behind us? We've got a full house.

Eh?

- Where did they come from? - They got on when we stopped.

Now they're on they can stay on.

When I see the conductor, I'll be lodging a complaint.

- They're police! - Should I stop?

No, turn left!

(Horn honking)

They're driving a bit fast, aren't they? You're on the wrong side!

Anyone would think this was a racetrack.

Blimey, you're right. It is a racetrack.

Honk the horn.

- (Honking horn) - It's no use.

That was a near thing, wasn't it?

Look out, there's our lorry.

Bring it over!

(Crash)

(Siren bell)

You had a good run, now you're for it.

- It's him you want. - (Albert) Don't let him get away.

- Oh, no you don't. - Get those three scoundrels.

It's not me! This is the man you want.

- That lorry's full of brandy! - It's running all over the track.

- Are you accusing me? - Yes, I am.

You're the smuggler and you know it.

- That's a fib. He's always telling fibs. - Shut up.

- I've seen you before, haven't I? - No.

That's another fib, I can prove it.

Remember when I knocked you out and told you you'd crashed your car?

He backed us up and said it was an accident.

You admit it, you blackguard?

- But now we've caught the smugglers. - Arrest the lot of 'em!

What? You mean after all we've? You're gonna? Well, hold...