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GRANDMA: Every day at the butcher's stand,

I would see all the uncooked chickens hung up.

Big ones, little ones, fat ones, thin ones and everything in between.

I always thought everyone would want a big fat one.

"Who's going to buy all those other chickens?" I would ask the butcher.

But sure enough,

when the sun went down,

all the chickens were gone.

See?

Every chicken has a buyer.

SPENCER: Last week, my grandmother passed away.

Her funeral was like this incredible celebration.

I mean, here was a woman who did everything she wanted with her life.

She married her high school sweetheart,

she enjoyed a brief stint as a professional singer,

she designed a clothing line.

She had two wonderful sons

and a grandson that she lived for.

Her mantra was, "Life is short.

"Make it as deep and wide as possible."

Considering that, my life is pretty shallow.

Here I was, living at my parents' house,

and not following in the footsteps of my late grandmother.

I felt like I was just endlessly drifting.

And kind of hoping that one day my passion

would just come knocking on the front door,

along with the future Mrs. Gold.

All the great people in history usually had passion and love.

And that's what I want.

So I'm going to LA,

to find my chicken and my passion.

Out of my parents' house,

and into my life.

(CRASHING)

Jesus fucking Christ!

(CLEARING THROAT) Great. Great. Just great.

You stupid fucking idiot, man!

Look, you rammed into me. Excuse me.

I did not ram into you, okay?

How could I drive into a parking lot and ram into somebody? Okay?

You know what? I don't have time for this.

Because I have to be back at work in, like, 15 minutes.

And I have to pay the stupid parking tickets

or they'll put a boot on my car. Wait a minute, I think I...

Oh, my God, I know you.

What?

You went to Parkman Elementary School, right?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, you're bleeding,

and I don't have any tissues. Am I?

I can take you to a hospital.

Melora Boren, right? What?

Spencer Gold.

This is my third fucking accident.

You remember me? You remember?

After school?

We went to the same school.

Check. Who do I make this check out to?

No one.

Your bumper is... What, no, no, what, that?

Don't even... Look, watch this. (CELLPHONE RINGING)

You ready? Check this out.

Look. This right... Huh?

Virtually taken care of, right?

Look at that. It's really fine. Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm good, I'm good. Okay.

So, I'm going to go and take this phone call.

It was nice seeing you again, Steve.

Steve is good.

Steve is fine. Steve is good.

SPENCER: Melora Boren.

My first crush.

I see you left the credit section blank.

You, uh... You have to fill it all out.

It's not like I have bad credit.

I just don't have any credit,

because I was living with my parents, you know?

No.

Right.

Good luck.

SPENCER: So you're saying you have no vacancy?

(SIGHS) Ah, man.

What are you doing?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh.

I knocked and the, um...

I'm here about the room for rent.

Uh-huh. Well, come in.

Okay. And, uh...

Yeah.

Am I in frame? Yep.

All right.

(EXHALING SLOWLY)

Tell us your name.

Spencer. For hire?

(SNICKERING)

What? Okay, don't worry about it.

First things first.

Spencer.

Tell us,

why do you think you should live here?

Well...

Do you dabble in acting, Spencer?

Are you wearing mascara? Shut the fuck up, dude.

Look, guys,

I'm just looking for a place to live.

I'm hardly ever home.

I could probably be the easiest tenant you've ever had.

How much can you bench press?

What are your views on pornography?

What does that have to do with me renting a room from you guys?

Just checking.

We can show you Jack's old room.

Who's Jack? He moved out.

You ready? Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah.

Ready to rock it?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

I like you.

Is this the master bedroom? Yeah, it is.

Um, does the furniture stay?

Does that bother you?

No, I'm just asking.

If Jack moved out, does the furniture stay?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, right? Oh, yeah.

Of course. Of course.

Um, there's something, though, that we should probably let you know

before we decide to give you the place.

Um, Ezra and myself are entered in a little contest.

It's a filmmaking contest. Mmm-hmm.

We're filmmakers. We're auteurs.

Oh! The cookies. Right.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Success, my new friend.

Guaranteed overnight success.

The thing of it is, hundreds of filmmakers are entered in this contest,

so time is obviously of the essence.

If we win, we get money to finish the film.

Right, we get an advance of 50,000 green guys.

Right, distribution, and maybe even a three-picture deal.

EZRA: You are going to be living with the filmmakers of the decade.

That's true.

So, basically we're going to need your room for a couple of weeks.

Really? Oh, smells good.

Don't they? Listen, I don't want you to worry, man,

because we're only going to be using this room during the day,

and, yeah, you won't even know that we're there.

Yeah, that seems fine.

Great, so it's yours.

Okay.

Oh, hey, do you have a job?

That's a good one.

That's actually a very important question.

Right. Yes.

I just got a job at a very prestigious advertising firm.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

I like rollerball, you know, you can count on rollerball like Levi's.

It's old-school. All I'm saying is try the soft-tip.

It's fresh, you know.

We're going to run up a dozen right now. Okay.

Wanna know what? They're gonna thank us when it's all over.

You wanna know what else? I'll tell you what we're going to do.

I'm going to throw in a Wite-Out. Want to know why?

Why? Yeah. Because we can.

They're in our house, baby.

Why don't you just fire me?

And maybe you can hire that pre-teen that you were smothering last night.

She's 20 Melora. Besides, you broke up with me.

What was I supposed to do?

Not show up at the Belmont,

which is our place, with that blonde thing.

Hey, Namaste, my man.

The new guy.

So listen, you take all the packages from the mother cart, right?

Then you transfer these little bitches into here.

And then you drop them off at all the different assistants' desks.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Hey, Tommy, get a new suit, buddy.

Go fuck yourself.

The guy got caught jerking off in the copy room.

Why don't you come over tonight, and I'll order in

and we can work this out? No.

Hey, sweet tits.

Eat me.

She loves me.

MAN: Rona, get Gloria Wexler on the line,

and if she's not there, call her every 10 minutes. Just get her.

That's Mr. Cohen.

President, CEO, great guy.

No more working it out. That's what we say every single time.

But we do work it out, that's what we're so good at.

I want us to be good at the everyday stuff.

This is where all the big boys are, okay.

Right there, this is where you go when you get that big promotion in the sky.

All right? I've been here six years.

All right, my time has come. This is my year.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

(CELLPHONE RINGING) Hold on a sec.

I'm sorry, I'm giving you everything that I can.

Well, 70% isn't good enough.

I don't give anyone that much.

Well, that's it.

Dude, what are you doing? That girl.

No I got it. Listen, listen, that's Craig Fert, okay.

He's the number two guy under Mr. Cohen.

(CELLPHONE RINGING) Hold on.

MELORA: I know. I know for sure, for sure, that's it.

That's the way shit goes down in here, bro.

(MELORA SOBBING)

Are you okay?

(CONTINUES SOBBING)

Who's there?

Spencer Gold.

From Parkman Elementary School.

Uh, yesterday you rammed into my car in the parking lot...

Are you crazy?

Did you follow me here?

No. Look,

I offered to write you a check.

No, no, no, no, no. I...

I work here.

Oh, wow.

That's really... That's... That's great.

Another coincidence.

Can I help you?

Well, actually I thought that I...

I wanted to help you. You seemed like you were upset and...

I'm fine, but thank you for your concern.

You don't seem fine. I am fine.

All right. Okay.

All right.

You know, you're a guy, right? Come here. Yeah.

Well, actually, I do have a question.

What is it that draws men to these girls with perfectly straight hair

and the flawless skin, live in Brentwood and they take Pilates

and they have a million and one fucking issues!

What is it that draws men to them?

Did you say flawless skin?

Uh, I'm sorry, uh...

I think men like to find solutions

and fix things that are broken. Oh, God.

Oh, my God, I get it.

I'm too normal.

There isn't enough to fix.

He needs some lame sugar-free, ice-blended chick,

somebody who he can save or something.

Somebody with daddy issues, right?

Come on, Melora, he's got to be a pretty big fucking idiot to choose anyone over you.

Wow.

Really?

Yeah.

But that's just the thing.

I wish that he were an idiot.

But he's not.

He's smart.

And he's charming.

And he's confident, and he has this...

He has this smell.

Oh, God I can't believe I'm telling you all this stuff.

But I've become this girl that I hate

around him, I become this insecure girl.

Melora... Oh, my God.

He's just not in love with me.

Because if he were in love with me,

then he'd be doing all these things that I need him to do.

(SNIFFLING)

If you don't like the person that you are when you are with him,

then stay away from him.

(SIGHS) Easier said than done.

How do I look?

Exactly like you did in the fourth grade.

What? Short and scrawny?

No, no.

Beautiful.

Okay.

I'm going to go out there,

and I'm going to act totally indifferent

and unaffected.

Great.

(STAMMERING) Great. You do that.

You do that.

Thank you.

Glad I could help.

Just consider it a gift from the company, I mean,

my mom spent two months at the La Jolla fat camp. It was great.

Ow! Oh!

Jesus!

This just in. You'll love it. Thank you.

Thanks. Is this going to make me cry?

It might. Good.

Hey. (WHISTLING)

You.

You work in the mailroom, right?

Yes, I am. Uh, I do.

(MOCK STAMMERING) Uh, yes.

Yeah, are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure. Yes!

Good, good.

'Cause I need a couple dubs made of this. Can you do that for me?

Um, actually, Do you mind?

they haven't gone over that with me yet, that area, so... Hmm-mmm.

I'm sorry, it's my first day here. I'm a little...

You know what? I can bring this down there,

and I can make sure that you get your copies.

That's what I like to hear.

Nice. What's your name? Uh, Spencer.

Spencer, carry on.

Okay.

Can you shut the door?

Can you shut the door? Okay.

You need to let the machines warm up

before you start working them.

You should leave about a 10 second leader before

you dub in the Cohen & Cohen logo,

and then I usually like to leave about five seconds after that.

Right. Sounds simple enough.

These are your dubbers, these are your masters.

Uh, you put that in here.

And, um... (MACHINE WHIRRING)

Sounds real simple. Don't touch that.

Okay. Okay, no. Don't touch that.

Uh...

That's your master right there. Yeah. Yeah, so...

Okay.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: In life,

when you need love,

reach for life.

Reach for Quench.

SPENCER: That's the Quench campaign?

Super Quench.

Super Quench? That doesn't even...

Quench life. That doesn't make sense.

I don't get it.

Well, you don't need to get it.

Hey, Spence, listen, I'm going to join some friends over at Marmont.

You want to join me?

Um, no, I'm actually gonna head home. You sure?

I'm all right, yeah. Thanks. Okay.

Oh, hey, man.

I'm out.

Hey, uh, since you're still here, can you do me a favor?

Uh...

Can you just make, uh, 20 copies of this,

collate and bind these for my 10:00 a.m. with Super Quench?

Beautiful. Thanks, buddy. You rock.

Hey.

Good night, Spencer.

I'm very glad that you work here.

Night.

What do you do between acting gigs?

Um, well, we both cocktail at the Max Angus to sublimate our income.

Oh, nice. Hmm-mm. Tasty.

Um, and, uh, I don't know, maybe you should give us a list of your acting credits.

Oh, okay, so, um, we were in Ass Rammers in 1993

and Big Tits for Timmy last year.

That's right, you were saying earlier... I had said you look...

She looked familiar, and now...

That's right. Yeah. Tell them about Spring Pussy.

Oh, right. Lisa was in Spring Pussy.

She was the body double for the lead actress.

Right, um, the leading lady got a yeast infection the night before the shoot began,

and I jumped in without any time to prepare.

No. No, I did.

Wow. She was awesome.

Thank you.

Friends of yours?

Hey, buddy. Yeah, you know, we're just auditioning some girls for our film.

That's Wendy and Lisa.

Hi.

If you could fucking believe that. Pretty amazing, huh?

Completely.

Completely.

All right, ladies, where were we?

Um, all right, why don't we get down to brass tacks?

How do you feel about getting gang banged in front of a crew of five?

Fine. What about all three holes?

I have no problem with that. I'm fine.

Toys?

We're trying to keep our options open.

That's cool. Great.

Yeah. Terrific.

Barnyard fetish? Jesus Christ.

Dude, is that legal?

I don't know, they said we can defer their pay.

(WHISPERING)

I'm so excited.

They've worked.

Dude, they're pros.

Um, we've prepared a scene from Beaches for you.

Yeah, you know what? That's not going to be necessary.

Both Ezra and myself feel that

you two have the credentials to back up your talent.

Are you fucking kidding? Oh, my God.

This is awesome. Oh, my God.

We'll be in touch. Great.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Melora?

Melora?

(SHRIEKING)

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't see that you had your, uh, headphones on.

No, no, no, no.

Hey, I've got it.

(STAMMERING) Um, I was... I just came to see how you were doing.

Oh, I'm fine.

Okay, you didn't seem... You seemed kind of upset.

Are you sure? Ah, you know.

Just having trouble shaking that heart ripped out of my body feeling.

But thank you so much for your concern.

Oh, uh, Steve.

Spencer. Spencer, sorry.

Can you get me that purple "New Business" folder?

Yeah.

Here you go. Yeah. Oh, thank you.

Um...

So, uh, I was thinking...

I was thinking maybe if you have some free time

in the future, at some point, uh,

perhaps we could, uh... Hmm.

Don't. Okay? Oh, God.

Just please don't.

Why are you so sweet?

Just because I'm single, it does not mean that I want to go out on a date.

No, no, I'm not... No, no, no, no.

I'm not asking you out. I'm not asking you out.

That's so funny that you... That you thought that.

I'm sorry. Just, like, a cup of coffee.

Maybe a drink or...

Did we just not have a moment, in the bathroom? (GROANS)

What the fuck is going on in here? (CLEARING THROAT)

I'm just kidding, buddy.

(SPENCER LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

That is the one thing you gotta learn at this company, is to have a sense of humor.

Loosen up a little bit. Okay.

This message was brought to you by Craiger.

(STAMMERING) So, I was thinking maybe we should go to the dog park or...

How do you know I have a dog?

You're covered in dog hair. I just assumed.

Hmm.

All right, just a friendly thing.

Yeah, yeah.

And not a "thing" thing. Okay.

And I don't want to go to the dog park

because I don't think the dogs should be involved.

Fine. Fine.

But I will do food.

Perfect.

Uh, how about tonight?

All righty then.

Great. Okay.

I think we're lit.

Nick, you ready, baby?

I think what we're gonna do is we're gonna just do a little prep, and then...

All right, stop, stop.

Stop it! That's it.

That's it. I'm done.

I'm out of here. All right?

I am out of here.

Nick, what's the problem?

Hey, hey, hey! Whoa! Oh!

Are you all right? I'm okay. I'm okay.

What are you doing? I gotta go teach a spin class.

But dude, we haven't even shot a frame of film.

That's right, I've been sitting around here for three hours.

Three hours!

It hasn't been a full three. Oh.

You guys haven't done anything.

Well, I was... I quit.

Lighting. I'm done.

I'm done.

You're yellow, is what you are, you scoundrel!

Guys, guys.

You tell me you're gonna be done by the time I'm home,

and I'm home and... Hey, listen. Don't...

Uh...

(WHISPERING)

Spencer, I'm sorry. Uh...

We ran over a bit.

Listen, we have another problem. Um...

You see, we have no... We have no film in the can.

Our lead actor just walked out and, uh...

You know, this film is due in a week.

And?

And we don't win the contest, obviously.

We need you in our movie.

Spencer, Spencer. (LAUGHING)

But you are perfect. You are.

You're... Look at you.

You're a ripped man who should be in film.

No, no.

No way. I'm sorry. What do you want?

We're not going to show anything below the waist.

It's strictly your chest. That's all.

You want me to get naked?

Well... You guys are crazy.

No. It's just a couple of scenes, man.

I swear. You're not even gonna have to touch these girls.

Yeah, they'll be looking to make out with each other.

It's true. Really?

With each other?

Sit, sit. I want you to sit.

I want you to lie down. Right.

Close your eyes, okay?

All right. I want you to imagine a film, all right,

so vibrant

that the colors literally explode off the screen in reds,

yellows, fuchsias.

All right. I mean, there's... There's a heat.

Okay, there's a heat that you can actually experience from the audience.

All right. I mean, this is like

Kieslowski's three color trilogy meets Apocalypse Now.

You understand?

(SPRAYING)

So...

So, that's your movie.

Film. Yes.

It's a porno, man. It's a porno, man.

It's not a porno. It's not a porno.

All right, it's an art film. Didn't you see Caligula, for Christ's sake?

All right, listen. Listen.

You can live here, one month free, no rent.

No rent? Two months.

You know what? Maybe you should leave.

Yeah, maybe I should. Sit.

Two months free, no rent.

And we get your room an extra week.

All I have to do is show my chest?

Fuck you, for two months, we get your ass.

(INTERCOM DIALING)

MELORA: Spencer?

Yeah. I'm in 4D.

And don't mind Arthur. Okay.

(DOOR BUZZING)

(SIGHS)

Oh, hey, hey Arthur.

Hey, buddy. Hey, how are ya?

How are ya? Hey, okay, okay. Whoa, hey, whoa, okay!

I'll be out in a second. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

He's, uh... He seems inquisitive.

Oh, don't worry about him, he doesn't bite hard.

Hey. I'm sorry. Hi.

Can you, uh, do this up for me? Yeah.

Thank you.

Okay.

There you go. Thank you.

You look, uh...

You look...

Wow.

You look wow.

Shut up. Let's go.

(STAMMERING) So I thought we'd go to this little Italian place.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Your, uh, car won't start?

Oh, no, no, it just takes a second.

Hey, why don't we take my car because we don't have to jump-start it?

No, no, no, no, 'cause this is just gonna...

Here, watch. Here we go. Ready?

Come on. Whoo! (ENGINE STARTING)

Yeah, yeah, oh! (SHRIEKING)

There, see?

No problem.

Uh, so I saw those plays on your desk.

You write? Yeah, I write.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

That's, uh... You know what?

Let's just maybe back away from the car.

Don't I feel like a schmuck.

No, no, no. You know what?

This wouldn't have happened if I hadn't hit your car.

FELDY: Melora? Yeah.

(STAMMERING) Who is more attractive? Is this a trick question?

No.

No. Okay.

Uh, you sort of...

You resemble my Uncle Harvey.

Me? Ah! Yeah.

That's one for me.

(LAUGHING)

She said Uncle Harvey, man. You know what I mean?

It doesn't count.

If we're going to play that way, then I think it's two for you.

Because the chick at the Blockbuster

said something earlier about you resembling a...

What was that? Turnip? No, she said you look like a mushroom.

And I can't say that I disagree with her.

EZRA: Take it back.

I ain't taking shit back. Hey! Take it back!

Be cool, bitch!

Take that back!

(HONKING)

Okay.

It's right here. Right up here. You can just pull over.

Thanks, guys.

Watch the shoulder. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I have to go pee. Okay.

Grandma, hi.

I made you my famous chicken.

They were the last ones.

I felt bad for them, so I bought them.

We ordered steak, Grandma. We don't want chicken.

Honey, you look tense.

I'm on a date.

AUTOMATED VOICE: You have no messages at this time.

Ask the waiter for two martinis.

You're doing wonderful.

Um, can we get two martinis here?

Come here.

(LINE RINGING)

It's the Craiger. Leave a message.

Um, could we get... Could we get two more of these?

Certainly, sir. Eh?

Hey, this is Craiger. You know what to do at the...

I expected them to mess up the order, but a whole other animal.

Ready? Cheers. Cheers.

To? To me getting one of those.

Okay. One.

Can we get two more?

(LAUGHING)

Let's get some more.

Oh, two more. Two more martinis, uh, quickly.

Thank you.

Actually, I came up with a really good idea

for a commercial for the Quench campaign. Really?

Yeah, I think I... Your check.

Thank you. Thank you.

I think it's a good idea.

No. No. No.

Put that away, this is... I invited you to dinner.

This is completely my treat, okay?

Thank you.

Shit. What?

Um, I don't have my wallet.

Are you sure?

Yeah, um...

I had it when I was in Feldy and Ezra's car.

I had my keys and my wallet. It must have...

It must have fallen out in their car or...

I have my phone.

Yeah, yeah. (CLICKS TONGUE)

Perfect.

I know I had it in the car. (LINE RINGING)

FELDY: Hi. We're out getting butter.

Please leave a message. (BEEPS)

Uh, hey, guys, you there? Is it a message?

Um, it's Spencer.

Give me a call as soon as you get this, okay?

Bye. No, no. I can't let you pay.

I can't.

All right, I'm paying you back first thing tomorrow morning.

We should have taken my car. I'm sorry. I'm really...

I'll make this up to you, okay?

I never should have agreed to go out with you.

Wow.

Okay, Melora, hey, don't hold back or anything, really.

I'm sorry, Spencer, I'm just a little pissed off right now.

None of this would have happened if you hadn't rear-ended my car.

I hate that.

Hate what?

"Oh, it's okay. It's totally fine.

"I was going to get a new car anyway."

I hate when people bring up how they feel in later conversations.

That is so lame.

Lame? Lame?

Look, "lame" is lame, okay?

No.

Lame is you leaving your wallet in your friend's car.

I fucked up!

I'm sorry! What do you want me to do about it?

I want to go home, Spencer, now.

Are you coming? I don't feel real good.

Look, Spencer, if I hurt your feelings, grow up.

Um...

I think...

I think I'm... Spencer?

(SPENCER GAGGING)

I think I had one too many martinis.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to say all those things.

I was just angry.

No.

I am sorry. We should have just taken your car.

You're absolutely right.

I didn't know you could get that mad.

What do you mean?

I didn't know you had it in you.

Um...

I'm not such a nice guy,

all the time.

(LAUGHING)

Well, that only took three hours.

You can crash at my place considering that we have to be up soon.

Thanks.

Uh, I owe you.

You have no idea. (CHUCKLES)

Spencer, I was thinking about when...

Shh.

SPENCER: We slept together.

GRANDMA: "Slept together" slept together?

SPENCER: Yes.

I wish we did.

She snores.

It's so cute.

When your grandfather snored, I'd kick him.

Did I ever tell you how we met?

Yeah, you were at Coney Island.

I was at the beach with my family and he was with his friends.

He came up to me and asked my parents if he could take me on a walk.

We ended up spending the day together,

all the months after that, and eventually

the rest of our lives.

This is the best morning.

I gotta go to work.

(CHATTERING)

CRAIG: Melora.

I need to speak to you for a minute.

What's going on with you, baby?

What do you mean, honey?

I called you last night.

Well, I wasn't home obviously.

Where were you? I went out.

Come on, you've been late all week. What's going on with you?

What, are you checking up on me now?

No.

Fine. I'm seeing someone.

Oh.

Well, this is news.

Good for you. Who's the lucky guy?

Just this guy.

Do I know him?

I doubt it.

Who is he?

Does it matter?

No.

It doesn't really matter.

I really want to work this out.

Really?

Why?

I don't know. I thought we were having fun.

That's the problem.

Peter?

Hey. Hey. Hey.

So you want to make it up to me?

Yeah.

How about tonight?

Great. Uh...

My mom will pick us up at 7:00.

No.

I will pick you up at 8:00.

I was kidding about the...

(KNOCKING)

Come in.

Excuse me, Craig.

Oh, hey, guy. Spencer.

Yeah, Spencer, what can I do you for?

Um, actually, I wanted to talk to you about the Super Quench campaign.

Oh, yeah, thanks for those copies.

Sure, sure, sure, but, um,

I had some ideas that I thought might be able to help.

Great.

Why don't you memo me, get a copy to my assistant

and then get yourself a promotion, and then we can talk.

I'm just kidding, dude.

But seriously, in the meantime, you know what you can do for me?

Do you want to make a little extra overtime tonight?

I can't tonight.

I can't.

You got a hot date?

What?

It's all right. Don't worry about it.

It's no big deal.

Okay, thank you.

Mr. Cohen.

Right to the source.

You know they found 30 pounds of shit in John Wayne's colon?

I know. I'm telling you, Lis, the key to weight loss is through your asshole.

(CRACKING) No, I can't go.

Because we're about to lose this huge campaign with Super Quench.

Hi, I have a package for Mr. Cohen. Just put it there, please.

I'm supposed to give it to him directly.

Well, I'm telling you not to.

Hold on.

Is Mr. Cohen in right now?

Yes.

May I see him?

No.

Uh, are you serious?

No, I'm kidding.

Really? No.

Let me just be honest with you.

I've got some very promising ideas

that I think could help Mr. Cohen with the Super Quench campaign.

Well, I'll make sure he gets the message.

Hi.

You're not going to give him that message, are you?

No.

Hi. Right.

So my guy, actually, what he'll do is

there's this tube that just has clear water come shooting out of it.

We let that go on. We're gonna let that cook, the water is getting happy.

See, you just kind of come over here and just bam!

Just a little bam like that.

What did he just put in there with the onions?

Garlic.

That wasn't garlic.

EZRA: Feldon, it was garlic.

FELDY: Just think about it.

You're sauteing onions for a white wine sauce.

You know, would you put garlic in there?

Would you?

Yes. Of course. Yes, of course you would.

Hello?

Hi. Hi.

Hey.

Wow.

You know when you know someone for a while and you finally see where they live,

they become like a totally different person.

Whoa, whose knitting project?

FELDY: Mine.

It's mine.

Yeah. Julia Roberts joined a knitting group.

Melora, you remember my roommate, Feldy.

Yes. Ezra as well.

Hey.

Hi. Of course.

It's nice.

So, uh, you two need a ride?

(CHUCKLING)

Good one. (BOTH LAUGHING)

They... Yeah.

Uh, let's go.

I know of the perfect place.

Okay.

Good night.

Break her heart for me.

Use a dental dam, guys.

Thanks to you, I actually look forward to working in a mailroom.

Don't say that.

What would you do if we didn't work together?

I'd quit.

No, you wouldn't quit.

No, I wouldn't quit.

Guess I just don't particularly

enjoy working in a mailroom. Um...

How's your writing going?

It's not.

Jennifer, two apple martinis, please.

What? MELORA: (GASPING) It's...

It's nothing. It's nothing. It's nothing at all.

(STAMMERING) It's Craig.

Wow.

Wow.

What a coincidence. Uh...

(CLEARS THROAT)

What were you just saying? It's so funny because

he's always saying how he hates fake breasts.

Well, he seems to have gotten over that prejudice.

Why don't we just get out of here, okay?

Can I ask you a question? I look good, don't I?

Yeah, you look great. Let's go.

No, no, no, hang on.

I do look good. That's so funny. You know what?

I am going to go over and say hello.

I mean, we're having a good time,

and he's, you know, having an okay time.

And it's so not a big deal.

You don't want to just wait until we see him at work tomorrow?

No. No. Come on.

(GASPS AND YELLS)

(WHISTLING)

(PEOPLE WHISPERING)

(MELORA SOBBING)

I can't believe it.

I can't believe that he came here with that sleazy girl.

He was just with me.

And that's who he chooses to be with. It's an insult to me.

Did you know that he was going to be there?

I feel nauseous.

You knew. You knew he was going to be there, didn't you?

No, Spencer.

What?

No, I didn't, Spencer. Fine.

(SIGHS)

Can we... Should we...

Go ahead. No, go ahead. Go ahead. No, you go ahead.

What do you want to do now? I don't know.

Do you want to go somewhere?

I don't know. No.

Me neither.

Spencer, do you mind if I just dropped you off at your house?

I don't feel that well.

Are you really sick?

No. Yes.

No.

I just want to go home.

Okay.

I'm so sorry.

EZRA: Will she be nude at this point?

Yes absolutely, and that's when Spencer comes in,

and says his lines if he ever gets here.

Uh, and did you give them the rewrite?

Because what I'm thinking is that maybe

Lisa should be the one who's completely nude,

because of the problem we're having with Wendy's boobs.

I was thinking the exact same thing. You're absolutely right.

How's the light in here? It's beautiful. It's stunning.

WENDY: Oh, my God, the set looks great.

Oh, hey. How are you? Hi.

We're ready.

Great. Yeah, you look terrific.

Okay, yeah, well, um, let's get started.

Okay. Okay.

(MUFFLED SQUEAL)

Um...

Great, okay. So, um...

We'll set the positions, right? That's right.

Set the skin tone. Set her position. Okay.

Yes, just hold on to that and then you just kind of...

WENDY: Oh, okay.

Nice job.

So, you guys are really just bracing yourselves for dear life.

You're going to use your leg to brace yourself. Okay.

Are we scared?

Oh, you're scared. You're scared.

Not so scared that you want to close your legs though,

because you want to cling.

Okay. Kind of like I'm holding it down? Right.

Where the hell have you been?

What are you talking about, man? It's 9:30.

I'm two hours early. Just give me a fucking second.

Right, we did say 11:00 p.m. Yeah.

You did! Okay, go change your clothes.

Jesus.

Okay, well, I guess in the meantime, we'll try a little dry run here.

Um... All right. Rehearsing.

Great. Um, so let's, uh...

Let's start it up here.

Uh, why don't you throw me a line here, sweetie? Okay.

Come on, hurry up!

No, um...

I should have known.

I feel like an ass.

She is clearly not over him yet.

Maybe not.

Come on, hurry up. Throw me...

Hose. Right. That's the word we're groping for here.

The line is, "Hurry up, get out your hose."

Get out... Your hose. Get out your hose.

That's all right. It's just a rehearsal. There's no need for...

No, no, no.

I'm sorry. I don't know, I can do better.

It's just I think I'm getting my period or something.

I just don't feel right. Wow. Ew. Um...

Well, it's all right. I'm sorry.

(SOBBING) It's really just, uh...

I'm sorry. It's okay. No, it's okay.

Oh. Oh!

That's a good girl. No, you just

let Feldy just touch and hold.

Just give you a good hug. Lisa.

(LISA CONTINUES SOBBING)

I guess she's starting her period. Yeah.

I'm just gonna go back to her apartment and talk to her.

I'm going to go back. I got to get my retainer anyway, so...

You're still wearing your retainer?

Yeah, nobody ever told me to stop.

Stop.

You got a fluffer in there, buddy? Let's shake a leg.

My nuts ache. Yeah, mine too.

Is he in frame?

Yes.

Don't just say "yes," all right?

(CAMERA LENS WHIRRING)

(WHISPERS) And...

(YELLS) Action!

I got a call down at... Cut.

You don't ever cut. You're on scene. I'm sorry.

Keep it rolling. Hold on, I just got to, uh.

Okay, clear.

SPENCER: Down at the station. Down at the station?

FELDY: Ready? Yeah.

FELDY: Set.

And action!

I got a call down at the station.

Uh, I don't see any fire.

You don't smell smoke? (SNIFFS)

I do.

No. Uh, where's the fire? In my pants.

Hurry, get out your hose!

Yeah, put out my fire.

Let me wet her down for you.

(MOANING)

WENDY: That is so hot.

(MOANING) Oh, yes!

(SPANKING) WENDY: Oh!

Hey, Spencer?

Spencer?

(MOANING CONTINUES) Spencer?

Huh?

Hey, there you are. Hi. Hi.

Um, you left this at my house

and I wanted to give it to you. Thanks.

Okay.

Why are you dressed like a fireman?

(MOANING CONTINUES)

What's...

That's just my... That's my roommates.

Okay. EZRA: Come on, slap it.

(LAUGHS)

You guys are funny, real funny in there.

They're just funny. So, um...

Arthur wanted me to ask you if you wanted to have a walk.

Really? Okay, come on. Let's go. Yeah. No, no, no.

No, no, no. That's not all.

(MOANING CONTINUES)

What are they doing? Uh, they are...

Oh, my God. What are they doing in there?

LISA: Spencer, what are you doing?

Spencer, we agreed to a threesome. We're waiting for you.

Yeah, what...

What are you doing?

This is not what it looks like at all.

Dude, what are you doing? Let's rock it. (SIGHS)

(CHUCKLES) Oh, my God.

This is like a really, really, really bad nightmare. SPENCER: No, Melora!

Melora. Melora, wait, wait, wait, wait.

She'd be good. We should have filmed that.

Melora! No, I'm leaving.

You don't understand. I'm not involved.

(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

Who... Who was that girl?

Uh, is everything cool? Because we gotta nail this one now.

Fuck!

Well, see, we were, and then...

You are all a bunch of fuck-ups!

Fucked in the head, perverted fuck-ups!

I can't believe that I even let you talk me into this.

Want me to talk to her? No!

No! I don't want you going near her or me!

Do you realize what just happened?

Do you even realize what just happened?

She thinks that we're a bunch of freaks now! Why?

(SIGHS) You all right, bro?

Don't talk to me!

Don't talk to me!

Uh... What a diva, huh?

(LAUGHTER)

Okay, all right. I'll tell you what.

We got to shake it off. Okay.

I do not want this to phase you guys.

Okay. Thank you.

You're doing a fabulous job, okay?

Do a little Tantric breathing, all right. Open up, just...

(EXCLAIMING)

Okay. All right. That helped.

Have a seat down in the greenroom, and we'll get started again.

Where's that? Just pick a room, Ezra.

Mmm-hmm, ladies. Okay? All right.

(SLAPPING) (SQUEALING)

(GROWLING)

Buddy, you okay? SPENCER: (YELLS) No!

He's good, he's fine.

MELORA: Spencer?

Oh, my God.

Hi. Hi.

God.

What are you doing here? Why are you here? Um...

Let me explain about today. No, no. I've seen enough.

No, you don't understand. You don't...

My roommates are sick, okay?

They're making a film or a documentary of some sort for this competition

and I really needed the free rent, so I agreed to be the fireman.

In a porno?

Yeah, you could...

It's an art film,

and I know it sounds sketchy, but I didn't touch a soul, okay?

Not all actors in pornos have to do the sex stuff.

All actors in pornos do sex stuff, okay?

Not this one, okay?

All I had to do was show my ass.

How do you know so much about this, anyway?

Why are you here?

Honestly, I was looking for something.

Oh, yeah? What did you lose?

My retainer. I dropped it last time I was here, I think.

You wear a retainer? Yeah.

I was pretty much done with it. Hmm.

Uh, why did you come to my house today?

You smoke?

Sometimes.

Uh, I came to your house today

because I wanted to say,

um,

that we should just be friends.

We are friends.

Yeah.

I know.

Yeah, so...

So what, then?

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

So that's it.

Hello?

Yeah, um, I will be at your house soon, okay?

Okay. Bye.

Who's that?

Craig?

Yeah.

He's got to be a pretty incredible guy,

to deserve someone like you, Melora.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

FELDY: Mr. Mopey?

Dude, your boss called, Jason, for, like, the sixth time.

Dude, it's been three days.

You should go to work.

Why? I've got two months' free rent.

Huh? What? No, not anymore you don't.

You didn't finish the film, dude. We're fucked, okay?

The deadline is in four days.

We have... We have nothing.

Yeah, dude, uh, this was our ticket.

FELDY: Okay.

What's the deal?

Okay, see you later, buddy. That's it. That's it.

That's it, okay?

Well, you take it easy.

You take care. You take care of yourself.

Don't be so stupid.

Don't be so stupid.

(CURTAINS SLIDING)

All right, enough already. I gave you three days to be a schlep.

Wake up.

Don't you have any other relatives you can visit?

Your grandfather once told me this story.

Grandma, I'm not in the mood for one of your stories right now. I'm sorry.

Really? Hmm.

Here's one for you.

It's about a boy who never finished anything.

He would just dabble with projects,

and leave them in the closet to collect dust.

He quit Little League when he 11 because he was afraid he'd never get a hit.

He was afraid the kids would think he wasn't a real baseball player.

He would quit the things he loved, before he even gave them a chance.

It's a funny thing.

You have to step up to the plate before you can be a baseball player.

I love you, sweetheart.

You know, I feel like I'm a team player, and I'm...

You know, and I'm there for the company 100%. I got it.

And, you know, and, um,

(STAMMERING) I really believe in my job and I really believe in the company.

Yeah. So, you know, I was just...

You know, I mean, there was just a little concern.

No, yeah. You can't be fired, Louis.

You work for free.

Oh!

Okay.

Well, well, well. Look who's here. Spencer.

Can I see you in my office?

Yeah, sure. Yeah? Come on.

Have a seat over there. Go on.

(CHUCKLES)

I like you. I like you.

You remind me of myself when I was younger.

Hard-working, ambitious, delusional.

But I gotta tell you straight.

You know what I mean? That's who I am.

I gotta be straight up with you.

We're probably going to lose the Super Quench campaign.

And they're going to make cutbacks, you know,

and you've been gone for three days,

and you have no seniority, so...

Uh, you know, you're fired.

Yeah.

Hey!

Oh, hey.

What's going on?

I heard about the Super Quench campaign.

Yeah. Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine. I've got plenty of accounts to keep me busy.

Besides, those clients were a bunch of jerks.

Hey. Hey.

Well, do you still want to have a picnic at lunch?

A picnic?

Yeah, last night you said it would be nice

if I got, you know, food and sandwiches and Ding Dongs at the deli.

Oh. Oh, my God.

(CHUCKLES)

I am so sorry.

I am such a jerk.

I said, "Wouldn't it be nice if..."

I can't have lunch.

I've got a meeting during lunch. Oh, okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Look, I'm playing basketball with the guys tonight.

Uh, why don't you come over after the game and I'll...

I'll make you a late-night snack.

Okay.

FELDY: And action!

Lisa, throw me your line. Action!

Well, listen, Lisa and I feel that this line...

Cut. Cancel, cut. What are you doing?

I just don't think my character would say that line.

Wow. (WHISTLES AND CHUCKLES)

Let me get this straight. You don't think your character would say the line.

Why is that, Lisa?

No, this... This girl is a strong woman.

Exactly. Thus, a strong line.

No, I don't think she needs a man to save her.

(SIGHS)

Okay, Lisa.

Um, okay. Let me take you back.

Let me take you back.

You were telling me before, um,

you're five years old.

Right? Remember, your parents,

they never picked you up from school that night.

The sun was setting, it was getting cold. You're shivering.

And suddenly a big black car with tinted windows pulls up.

A kindly, silver-haired gentleman steps out of the car,

he swoops you up in his arms, he puts you in the car,

he takes you home.

Well, granted, he takes a rather circuitous route,

but he takes you home nonetheless.

(SOBBING)

Do you want me to give the line to Wendy?

Can't you tell she's upset? Guys!

She's always upset! Guys! Guys, hello!

FELDY: What?

First, Feldy, don't yell at her.

And second, can I try something here?

Lisa, forget about the line. You and Wendy go put some clothes on.

Oh. Buddy. (CHUCKLES)

I have an idea. Huh?

I have an idea.

(PANTING)

I'm tired.

Cut it, cut it. Cut it, cut it.

(SCREAMING)

(CHATTERING)

(DISCUSSING INDISTINCTLY)

Take four, right? Yeah.

Same as take four.

Create file, and you select the segment that you want.

Right, that's right. Put it in.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Sure you can. That is so sexy.

Yeah, well. If you come over, maybe I'll show you, again.

Hey, man. What's up?

Hey, I'm sorry, I heard you got laid off.

Yeah, well, you know,

things like that happen.

So, what are you doing here?

I have a package that I'd like to deliver to Mr. Cohen.

Hmm, don't you think that's a little inappropriate?

No, but thank you for the etiquette lesson, Craig.

Yeah, we've actually had this little chit-chat before.

Is he in?

Oh, you just don't get it, do you?

I'm not leaving this in your inbox.

God only knows what's been there.

You little fuck! Whoa, now hold on.

Now first of all, you were fired,

so you shouldn't even be on the premises,

but second of all, don't talk to her like that.

Sorry if I offended your girlfriend.

Whoa. (GRUNTS)

RONA: Jesus, relax.

(YELLS IN PAIN)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Get off me!

(WHISTLING)

SPENCER: I have values and morals.

And I am not a violent man.

But all I can think about

is how I would kill Craig.

I would not simply kill him, I would torture him.

I would lock him in the mailroom

and I would stake out in the hallway so that he couldn't escape.

I wouldn't let him go to the bathroom,

so he'd be sitting in his own shit.

And I would make him collate,

until his fingers bled, all at gunpoint.

(LAUGHING) And he'd be laughing and crying

at the same time because he'd be delirious

from the ink fumes and the shit in his pants,

and then I would kill him!

I would really kill him.

FELDY: Was that collard greens?

No, I think it was spinach.

MELORA: Are you sure I can't help you with anything?

What?

Are you sure I can't help you with anything?

Go for the three, bitch!

(BEEPING)

Oh, man.

What is your boy doing? This is ridiculous.

Send him back to Long Beach,

or send him back to Ethiopia or wherever the hell he comes from.

He's playing like a Neanderthal. This is ridiculous.

We're down by five, and he's going for two?

They ought to bench him for the rest of the season.

That's what I'm talking about! Look at this shit!

Craig?

(SCREAMS) Yeah! Nice!

Yeah. Yeah. Right, I'll call you back.

Can I help you with anything?

Yeah.

Can I help you with anything?

Uh...

Craig, can I help you with something? Huh? Uh...

No, sweetie.

I want you to, uh,

relax,

and think about what a wonderful night we're going to have together.

Yeah?

Are you wearing those panties I got you for your birthday?

Yes, I am. (CHUCKLES)

(ARTHUR BARKING)

I have to go check on Arthur.

No, no. Leave him, he's fine.

No, he's not fine.

What? Well, wait.

We've got three minutes left of commercial time.

Wait to check on the dog until the game's back on.

I'm checking on him now.

CRAIG: Hey! Oh, no!

Come here. Come here.

Arthur, please.

Hey! Melora, you know how I feel about the hair.

Come on. You, no, no.

(GRUNTS) Oh, God!

Melora, get out here!

Arthur, okay. Come here.

Arthur, come here. In the bathroom now.

It's not funny, Melora.

He's fucking up my couches.

Oh. Who's a very, very good lover boy?

Who's a very good... Oh, Jesus.

Where did you get this tape? What?

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's from your fag mailroom friend, Spencer.

Mr. Cohen, my name is Spencer Gold.

I work in the mailroom. My grandmother always told me that life is short,

make it deep and wide.

I have some ideas for your Super Quench campaign.

Thank you so much. Spencer Gold. "Spencer Gold."

Melora!

Do you want another glass of wine?

This isn't going to work.

I thought that I could put up with 70% of a really great guy.

But 70% of half a man?

Forget it.

RONA: Oh, you can't go in there, dear.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(PANTING)

Water?

Aww!

It's different.

But I like it.

Jerry, this really taps into the young voice we've been looking for.

WOMAN: Definitely.

I want this kid to meet all the executives.

Let's fly him out to Seattle.

You got a couple pencils, three pens, the good ones.

Box of staples, box of clips.

Box of brads, bands, four legal pads, Wite-Out. I threw an extra one in there.

You know. Uh, anything else you need, give me a call. I'll hook you up.

SPENCER: Thank you, Jason. Yeah. Yeah.

So, we survived the downsizing, huh? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, luckily. Yeah.

Big promotion for you. Yeah, it is.

Yeah, that was fast.

Yeah.

Well, I'm going to head back down to the mailroom.

You know, there's a couple of new interns there.

I got to show them the golden light, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah!

My day is coming, too. Big promotion for me.

(SNIFFS) I smell it. It's in the air. (CHUCKLES)

Watch out. Later, Jason.

The olive oil, ladies, it's like liquid gold.

So if you're going to make this stuff, don't be shy about using it.

And maybe some more garlic.

Mmm. Cooking is a very sensual experience.

And I think... Smell that?

...that all we're really trying to do is open you up to that experience.

(PHONE RINGING)

Who is that? Is that me?

Are you gonna let it ring or are you gonna answer it? I have to, yeah.

FELDY: I'm sorry. Smell your own garlic.

EZRA: Hello? (SNIFFS)

Uh, yes, we did.

Let's just keep...

Don't you dare say that to me.

Don't you dare. Are you kidding?

You're kidding me, right?

What? I'm in the middle of...

Right. (INHALES)

We will, we will. Okay.

All right. Hold on one second. Holy blender.

Okay, will you give me that address again?

(STAMMERS) Wow. Well, sure, thank you.

Thank you.

Okay, all right. I love you. Bye.

I said, "I love you."

We won, dude.

Dude, we won the contest, baby, we won the contest.

We won the filmmaking contest that we were... (GLASS SHATTERS)

We were entered into a filmmaking contest,

and we just won.

We just won the contest.

(TYPING)

(LINE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Hello?

(ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

ROLLER RINK DJ: Okay, everyone.

Look around you and find that lucky one to accompany you around the rink

for a couples-only skate.

BOY: Wanna skate?

YOUNG MELORA: Sure.

I'll be back in about an hour.

So?

What am I, your assistant? SPENCER: Yup.

Hey. Hi.

(BARKING)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy, Arthur. Easy, Arthur.

I thought we were friends, buddy, come on.

Arthur, come on inside.

We'll go on a walk in a minute.

Hey, what do you want? (ARTHUR PANTING)

Um...

Um...

I forget everything I was going to say and I wish your dog had killed me.

Spencer, what?

I just want to apologize.

No, I don't want to apologize. I want to thank you.

Thank you for rear-ending me.

Thank you for spilling your guts to me about Craig.

Thank you for letting me put your necklace on for you on our first date.

That was really nice.

Thank you for loving Arthur so much.

And, uh, one more thing. Don't thank me anymore.

I love you.

(CHUCKLES)

I love you. I've loved you since I saw you at the roller rink,

and I know that you don't remember me, and that's fine.

I just wanted you to know.

I wanted you to know that I love you.

(EXHALES) That's that.

And it's okay, you don't have to say anything. I'm fine now.

I just couldn't let those things go on unsaid.

Good-bye, Melora.

(SIGHS)

(ENGINE STARTS)

RONA: You've got to get to the airport, Spencer.

Okay, I'm just trying to find my notes.

Rona? RONA: What?

Do you have my plane ticket?

Yep. You're going to be late.

Thank you very much. I know, I know.

(PANTING)

RONA: Your flight's at 3:00. Here is your ticket, your itinerary.

Hurry back.

SPENCER: Uh, hold on.

MELORA: Spencer!

Melora, are you okay? Yeah.

What happened?

I ran here. Why?

(PANTING)

Because I wanted to tell you...

Can I have a sip of your water? Yeah.

What did you want to tell me?

I just wanted to say,

I don't need any more friends.

I never said that we should be friends.

You didn't? Uh-uh.

Oh.

Okay, then.

Eighty-four, and now 82.

We're looking for 82-A. So this is 82-A.

This is it.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(SPEAKING KOREAN)

(SPEAKING KOREAN) Hey.

EZRA: Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Where is, uh... Where is everybody?

Well, it's the middle of the day,

but we do okay, like, you know, around 6:00.

(CHUCKLES)

No, actually I meant the festival participants. Judges.

You know, filmmakers who lost the contest.

(CHUCKLES)

Maybe we're at the wrong address. 82-A?

We directed Fire in the Hole.

Oh.

Right, uh...

(SPEAKING KOREAN)

You're the guys who entered. Right, yeah.

Nice to meet you. Wow. Thank you. Thank you.

Uh, who authorized our three-picture deal?

Three-picture deal? Yeah, is he here?

(CAT SNARLING)

"Filmmakers of the century!

"Enter Vic's International Film Competition... Where's Vic?

"...and win a three-picture deal."

Where's Vic?

I'm sorry, man. My bad.

Uh, um... (PAGES RUSTLING)

Here you go.

And you guys totally deserve this, man.

I loved your film.

That moment in the bedroom, when Lisa caught on fire

and you thought that was it for her?

It was so choice.

It's free videos.

Free videos. CLERK: Yeah, my pleasure, man.

Hey, you know what? Um...

I shouldn't do this.

Ah, fuck it, man. I am going to give you these, too.

Thanks.

You know what? I'm in the right mind

(STAMMERING) to take all your videos,

and not return any of them.

Okay?

Okay.

EZRA: Are you all right? FELDY: I'm okay.

(DOOR CHIME JINGLES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER CONTINUES)