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衣柜里的男人 Maybe... Maybe Not

♪ Ja und Nein - Max Raabe

♪ Yes and no, it can mean the same

♪ so that maybe a woman can achieve exactly what she wants to have

♪ Yes and no, it can mean the same

♪ because luck in this world behaves like the month April

♪ Ask a woman with such general question whether she loves you

♪ She may say no, but that can almost mean yes

♪ Yes and no, it can mean the same

♪ Depending on whether man can sense it or not

怎么了？ What is it?

你不介绍下我吗？ Don't you want to introduce me?

多萝 听我解释 Doro, I can explain this.

是吗？ Can you?

多萝 不是你想的那样 It's not what it looks like, Doro.

阿克塞尔 听着 我已经受够了 Listen Axel, I've had enough.

明天就滚出我公寓 明白了吗？ Tomorrow you're out of my apartment, understood?

懂了吗？ Understood?

很好 Good…

你至少用了避孕套吧？ Did you at least use Condoms?

真棒 That's swell.

麻烦把钥匙放邮箱里 Drop the Keys in the mail box, please.

♪ Schöner Gigolo, armer Gigolo - Max Raabe

-你好？-你好 毕吉特 猜猜我是谁 - Hello? - Hello Birgit, guess who's calling!

-你好 -阿克塞尔 你怎么在这儿？ - Hi. - Axel, what are you doing here?

我只是想看看你过得怎么样 Well, I just wanted to see how you are.

阿克塞尔 乌维在家 你知道他见到你会发生什么的！ Axel, Uwe is here and you know what happens if he sees you!

-我只是 我是说 我们能 -保重 阿克塞尔！ - But I just though… I mean, we could… - Take care, Axel!

至少告诉我哪里能住吗？ Do you at least know a place I could stay at?

- 是谁？-你好 我是阿克塞尔 - Yes? - Hello, this is Axel.

阿克塞尔？等一下! (改编自漫画Der Bewegte Mann 和 Pretty Baby Ralf König 所著 由 Rowohlt Books 出版) Axel? One moment please! (After the Comics Der Bewegte Mann and Pretty Baby written by Ralf König published by Rowohlt Books)

整点报时 九点 The exact time is 9:00 am.

以下是WDR2带来的新闻 Here is WDR2 with the news.

科隆 今日早些时候 Cologne - Earlier this morning,…

两枚原子弹在市中心爆炸 …two atom bombs went off in the downtown area…,

抱歉 Excuse me…

在清晨时分 In the early morning hours…

有两枚自动炸弹 two auto bombs went off…

在市中心爆炸 …in the city center.

无人受伤 Noone was hurt.

一封信中写道 一个叫全国狂欢节的恐怖组织 In a letter, a terrorist group called the National Revele…

国家革命报 抱歉 the National Revolele… Excuse me…

国家革命 the National Revolu-

-沃尔特劳 -早安 诺博特 你打手枪被我撞到了吗？ - Waltraut. - Good Day, Norbert. Did I catch you masturbating?

-我的唱片机不见了 -你的什么？ - My record player has disappeared. - Your what?

CD播放器也消失了 音响也整个不见了 The CD-player too, the entire stereo is gone.

慢着 这些东西不可能凭空消失啊！ Slow down, something like that doesn't just vanish into thin air!

你的庞克呢？ Where's your Punker?

我不知道 但昨晚他还在 I don't know, but last night he was still there.

伙计 真是难以置信 Oh, man, I can't believe it.

也许他只是借走了 Maybe, he just borrowed it.

诺博特 你什么时候才能吸取教训？ Norbert, when will you finally learn this?

你看上那个丹麦人的时候 When you had a crush on that Danish guy…

你直接飞去找他 还给他公寓刷漆 you flew right to him, and painted his whole apartment.

等你一完工 他就把你甩了 And when you were done, he kicked you out.

人人都有悲催时 Well, shit happens.

要不是有弗伦岑 你都得流落街头了 And if it wasn't for Fränzchen you would have gone on the street…

去给耶和华见证人发传单了 to hand out flyers for that Jehova's witness…

你的男友 boyfriend of yours.

电视也消失了 The TV's gone, too.

你们想来开始健身训练 是吧？ So you guys want to start with the fitness training here, correct?

你们以前有在健身房锻炼过吗？ Have you ever worked out in a gym before?

没有 不过我是素食主义者 No, but I'm a vegetarian.

什么都没有吗？ Nothing whatsoever?

我们唯一锻炼过的肌肉是括约肌 The only muscle we work out is our anus.

完全没运动过！ So no sport!

好吧 那我们先来简单练练 Ok, so lets begin with a little conditioning.

跟我来 Follow me.

你还觉得这是个好主意吗？ You still think this was a good idea?

当然 是个人就会用上某些肌肉 Of course, everyone can use some muscles.

更别提还能看到香艳的场面！ Not to mention the erotic component!

弗伦岑都担心你要变直男了 Fränzchen already feared you would turn straight now.

-绝对不可能 -别发出这样的怪叫！ - Ha! No way. - Spill the beans already!

好吧 我最近去了个地方 那里的告示板上有张传单 写着 Ok, I went to this place recently, and there was a flyer on the pin board reading:

寻找同性恋的男子小组 'Men's Group looking for Homosexual…

参加小组会议 to participate in group meetings…

就同性恋进行探讨 and to talk about homosexuality'.

然后我想 沃尔特劳 那肯定很有趣 And I thought, Waltraut, thats gonna be fun.

男子小组？那不是七十年代的事吗？ Men's group? Wasn't that back in the 70's?

确实 不过又流行起来了 Exactly. But they are in style again.

总之 那里有五个人 其中一个长得很不赖 Anyway, there are five guys, one of them isn't that bad-looking,

他们只是讨论 作为男人需要面对的问题 and they just talk about the problems that come from their role as a man.

显而易见 大多数问题都和女人有关 Most of the time these problems are about women, clearly.

而且他们在某些事情上是真的有问题 And they have real issues with some things.

比如 有个人 For example, one of them…

在卫生间打飞机被抓到 was caught masturbatin' in his bathroom,

事后他感到罪恶无比 and now he feels super guilty!

这些事情都很有趣 It's all terribly interesting.

我以为 是让你跟他们谈谈自己的事情呢？ I thought, you were supposed to tell them something about yourself?

当然 I do.

我已经参加两次了 都是些日常的事情 I already finished two lessons, you know the usual.

但他们最大的问题是肛交 光是这个话题就让他们紧张 But their biggest problem is with anal sex. The topic alone makes them nervous.

他们听到菊花就会收紧肛门 Their anus tightens when they hear anal.

就像他们和妻子没肛交过似的 As if they didn't do it with their wives…

诺博特 不要想象那种事 Norbert, stop imagining things.

当然 他们也想肛交 Of course, they want to do it too,

但那就是问题所在 最性感的 but that is the problem - it is sexist.

-是吗 -怎么了？ - Ah. - What's wrong?

-我头晕目眩 -你看着脸色苍白 - I'm dizzy, - You do look pale…

我想我要晕过去了 I think I'll pass out.

嘿 教练！我兄弟要晕过去了 Hey, Coach! My buddy is fainting.

-发生什么事了？-他不行了 - What's going on? - He collapsed.

他举太重了 He lifted too much.

他只是骑单车而已 He was riding a bike.

弗兰兹 过来给他检查一下 Hey Franz, come here check him out.

他骑自行车晕倒了 He collapsed from biking.

-谁啊？-这个男孩 - Who? - The boy there.

没精打采的样子就看得出来 You can see it by the way he's slouching.

你必须做点什么 不然你40岁就会被解雇了 You have to do something or you'll kick the bucket when you're 40.

在一个静谧的地方 放松 In a quiet place, real relaxed,

也许在浴缸里 在手指上涂些KY润滑液 maybe in the bathtub, some K-Y jelly on the finger.

找个时间试试 Just try it some time.

我没有浴缸 只有淋浴间 Well, I don't have a bathtub. Just a shower.

那就在地毯或者床上 So do it on the carpet or in bed.

别说这些你也没有 Don't tell me you don't have that.

不好意思 我真的不想把手指塞进我后面 I'm sorry, but I really don't feel like sticking a finger in my behind.

我女友已经抓到我手淫了 My girlfriend already caught me masturbating…

要是再看到我指交自己 你觉得会怎样？ and next time she finds me fingering my ass, or what?

卢茨 冷静 没必要这么激动嘛 Stay calm Lutz, no need to get agressive, please.

好吧 男孩们 我想这会很有趣 Ok, boys. I though it would be of interest.

那么 给我讲讲阴道高潮和阴蒂高潮的区别 So tell what was the difference between vaginal and clitoral orgasm.

这对我来说是个谜 It's a mystery to me.

你是在开玩笑 对吧？ You're kidding, right?

肯定是阿克塞尔 Oh, that must be Axel.

是被女友甩了的那个家伙吗？ Is that the one who was kicked out by his girlfriend?

就是他 Exactly…

请什么都不要说 so please don't say anything.

我们要跟他说话吗？ So are we gonna talk to him?

不知道 我们都不认识他 I don't know, we don't know him at all.

那又怎么样？你们得谈谈这样的事情 So what? You have to talk about something like that.

不然男子小组是为了什么？ What is a men's group for, then?

我觉得不去管他就行了 I think we should let him be.

我同意克劳斯-迪特说的 I agree with Klaus-Dieter,

如果他想讨论 他会说的 if he wants to talk about he'll say so.

在皮沙发上坐吧 Have a seat on the calfskin!

那么 各位 这是阿克塞尔 So, this is Axel, meet everyone,

鲁迪格 卢茨 Ruediger, Lutz

克劳斯-迪特 德克 还有 Klaus-Dieter, Dirk and this

来自格伦菲尔德同志小组的 沃特尔 is Walter, from the Gay Group Gerenfeld.

-嗨 -你好 - Hi. - Hello.

阿克塞尔和我好久没见了 今晚他会睡在这里 Axel and I haven't seen each other in ages. He'll sleep here tonight.

抱歉不能让你久留 因为我父母明天要来 Sorry you can't stay longer, my parents are visiting tomorrow.

没事的 That's ok…

那找到住处前 我能把行李放你这儿吧 maybe I can leave a suitcase until I find a place.

当然 Sure…

有人知道哪里的公寓能让我住吗？ No one knows of any apartments for me either, huh?

很难找 It's tough…

我们谈到哪儿了？ Where did we leave off?

是的 我们刚谈到把手指放进屁股里 Yes, we were just talking about fingers in the butt.

不是的 克劳斯-迪特 抱歉 No, sorry, Klaus Dieter,

不过我认为我们决定不讨论 but I think we just decided we would not talk about

指交的事情了 fingering the butt anymore.

是的 沃尔特想知道 Correct. Walter wanted to know

阴蒂高潮和阴道高潮的事情 是吧？ about clitoral and vaginal orgasms, right?

什么？不好意思 我没注意听 What? I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention.

甘特 我能做个三明治吃吗 我真的好饿 Um, Guenter, can I make a sandwich, I am pretty hungry.

当然可以 厨房里什么东西都有 你自便 Sure, everything is in the kitchen, help yourself!

但是 沃尔特 你得告诉我们 But Walter, you need to really tell us whether

你是不是真的对女性感兴趣 or not you're interested in female sexuality!

当然 我都等不及了 Of course, I can't wait!

你到底想知道什么？ What do you want to know exactly?

就是跟阴道阴蒂相关的东西？ So how was that with vaginal clitoris?

对于女人来说 So for a woman there are two

要达到高潮有两种方式 ways of getting to an orgasm.

第一种 最常见的 跟阴蒂有关 First, with the clitoris, most common,

所谓的抚弄是受男人阴茎刺激的 the so-called tickler is stimulated by the man's penis, and…

不是的 再次抱歉 克劳斯-迪特 不是都和阴茎有关 好吗？ No, sorry again, Klaus-Dieter but not necessarily only by the penis, no?

不好意思 我得去趟卫生间 Excuse me, but I really need to go to the bathroom.

当然 并不只是阴茎可以 Of course, not only by the penis.

似乎女人唯一想要的就是阴茎 As if the only thing women want is the penis.

因为被一个女人甩了 你就得这么沮丧吗？ Do you have to be so depressed, just because a woman left you?

以你的同志立场 我不觉得你能评断 I don't think you can judge that, given you're gay.

你这样想啊 So you think.

你们在一起多久了？ How long were you together?

三年 3 years.

你们这些直男总想恋爱持久 You straight folk always want relationships that last forever.

然后她在厨房 你在沙发上吗？ And she gets the kitchen, and you the couch?

胡说 我们有自己的事情 Nonsense, we have our own stuff.

如果你愿意的话 可以和我住几天 Well, if you want you can stay with me for a few days.

不了 谢谢 No, but thanks.

那么 你是对同性恋有意见吗？ So, you have a problem with us gays?

不是的 No I don't.

每个人都有自己快乐的活法 Everyone should be happy in their own way.

那好吧 There you go…

这是我和诺博特的电话号码 I'll write down my number and Norbert's.

我经常在他那里 I'm there a lot.

以防万一 Just in case.

我辞职了 I quit.

好的 Good.

我觉得最好不要在工作中见到彼此 I thought it would be better not to run into each other at work.

是的 你做得对 Yes, you're right.

-钥匙在哪儿？-什么钥匙？ - Where's the key? - What key?

我公寓的 你应该还给我的 For the apartment. You wanted to drop it at my place.

那个钥匙啊 That key.

我忘了 I forgot.

饿吗？ Hungry?

你看起来真惨 You look miserable.

我穿这件怎么样 So, how do I look?

不戴义乳吗？就像个化了妆的男人 弗伦岑 Without pumps? Like a dressed-up man, Fränzchen.

沃尔特 你太毒舌了 Waltraut, you're mean.

别太敏感了 Don't be so sensitive.

我该穿哪双鞋？ What shoes should I wear?

那双丑丑的木头鞋是唯一适合的 The ugly wooden ones are the only ones that match…

对这样一个愚蠢的聚会来说 这太麻烦了 This is way too much trouble for such a stupid party.

而且Bel Air俱乐部也很无聊 And the club "Bel Air" is boring anyway.

我们再不出发就要错过演出了 If we don't leave soon, we'll miss the show.

什么演出？ What show?

蒂娜·特鲁默威胁要唱歌 Tina Truemmer threatened to sing.

沃尔特劳 你能去接电话吗？ Can you get that, Waltraut?

肯定是卡斯滕 问我们能不能捎上他 I bet it's Carsten if we can pick him up.

沃尔特劳 Waltraut!

你好 我是阿克塞尔 沃尔特在吗？ Hey, it's Axel, is Walter there?

稍等 我看看他在不在 One moment, I check if he's here.

沃尔特 Walter!

你好 我是沃尔特 Hello, this is Walter.

你好 沃尔特 是阿克塞尔 Hello Walter, Axel here.

你好 阿克塞尔 Hello Axel.

我想问下 你的提议是否还算数 Hey, I wanted to see if your offer was still up,

就是住你家 to crash at your place.

是的 当然 Yeah, sure.

你想什么时候？ When were you thinking to…?

如果你不介意的话 或许 If you don't mind maybe even…

-今天？-当然可以 没问题 我很乐意帮忙 - …today? - Sure, no problem, I'd be happy to help.

我在去派对的路上 I'm on the way to a party…

可能会去很久 …it could be a long one though.

要不你现在就过来吧？ Why don't you just come along?

好的 为什么不呢 Yeah, why not?

在哪里？ Where is it?

-你知道 地下组织 附近有个停车场吗？-当然 - Do you know the parking lot at the Underground? - Yes.

那我们在那儿碰头 Let's meet there, then.

那半小时后见 See you in half an hour then.

好的 真棒 待会见 Ok, great, see you.

-怎么回事？-一个直男要过来 - What's going on? - The straight guy is coming.

直男？什么直男？ Straight? What straight guy?

我在那个神经男人俱乐部遇到的大帅哥 The super hot creampie from my psycho men's club.

我的卸甲油在哪儿呢？该死 我得抓紧时间了 Where's my nail polish remover? Shit, shit… I have to hurry.

-你是要把妆都卸掉吗？-当然了 - So you're taking everything off again? - Of course…

如果他看到我这样 就不会考虑我的提议了 …if he sees me like this he won't even consider me.

你恋爱了 她恋爱了 You are in love… She is in love.

还有 今晚我是沃尔特 不是沃尔特劳 你们记住了 By the way, tonight I am Walter, not Waltraut, please remember that.

-沃尔特？为啥是沃尔特？-因为那是我名字 某个时期是 - Walter? But why Walter? - Because that's my name, period.

她叫沃尔特 而且恋爱了 Her name is Walter and she is in love.

-我看着怎么样？-就像个变装的变性者 - How do I look? - Like a tranny in disguise.

讨厌的基佬 Stupid fags.

沃尔特 你好 女孩们 你好！ Hey Walter. Hey Girls!

你好 Hello.

这是诺博特 弗伦岑 女孩们 这是阿克塞尔 This is Norbert, Fränzchen. Girls, this is Axel.

晚上好 阿克塞尔 Good Evening, Axel.

我们走吧 Let's roll.

看啊 VIP驾到 Look, the VIPs are here.

-沃尔特劳 -现在她的名字是沃尔特 - Waltraut! - Her name is Walter now.

我还以为你不会来了 喔 看你带谁来了 I thought you wouldn't be showin anymore. Ooh, what did you bring there.

这是阿克塞尔 这是厄尔斯 是女主人 That's Axel, this is Else, the hostess.

你好 Hello.

希望你不介意我带他来 I hope you don't mind me bringing him.

相信我 你要是再多带点像他这样的 我们就把这些变装皇后赶出去 Trust me if you bring a few more like him, we'll kick out these fruitcakes

关上门大乱交 and have a private orgy.

诺博特 沃尔特劳带来的那家伙是谁？ Hey Norbert, who's that guy back there with Waltraut?

那样的男人让我湿了 Guys like that make me sweat.

金发碧眼 我已经发大水噜 Ooh, blond and blue-eyed, I'm getting wet.

我只知道他叫阿克塞尔 而且还是个异性恋 All I know is his name is Axel, and he's heterosexually orientated.

是吗? 真可惜 Really? How tragic.

-那么 你玩得开心吗？-还行吧 - So, are you having fun? - So so…

对你来说很诡异吧 Must be weird for you.

他们都盯着我看 They're all staring at me.

新鲜感会过去的 This settles with time.

我去拿沙拉 你要来点吗？ I am getting salad, wanna come?

-不用了 谢谢 -好吧 - No, thanks. - Ok.

女孩们 注意了！麻烦快点注意这边 One second, girls! If you could pay attention real quick.

我有两个好消息告诉你们 I have two good news for you.

第一件事 蒂娜·特鲁默病了 而且不能表演 First, Tina Truemmer is sick and cannot perform.

于是我很荣幸地向大家 介绍我的老朋友 Instead I am honored to present an old friend of mine:

蒙蒂·阿诺德 Monty Arnold.

非常感谢 掌声也该送给我的同事 贝尔蒂博士 Thank you so much. This applaus also goes to my colleague Dr. Berti.

电视芭蕾节目被停掉后 他就像礼物一样出现了 I got him as a gift, when they stopped the TV-ballet.

贝尔蒂博士 该你下指示了 Doctor Berti that was your cue.

♪ Build a villa once

你的第一个同志派对觉得怎么样？ So how do you like your first gay party?

很特殊 没有女人 Unusual, no women here.

确实 Truth!

-你知道这会儿我会做什么吗？-什么？ - You know what I'll do now? - What？

我会和多萝在一起并忘掉这些事 然后一醉方休 I'll forget this whole shit with Doro, and get wasted.

这就是我更喜欢你的原因 That's how I like you better.

♪ My gorilla

♪ has a villa in the zoo.

♪ My gorilla

♪ is satisfied and happy.

棕色的那个 是什么东西？ What's that brown stuff over there?

那是原汁原味的法国巧克力慕斯 最好的 That's original french mousse au choclat, the finest.

不错 你能拿个大盘子给我吗？ Oh cool, pass me the large plate, will you?

-顺便说一句 阿克塞尔今晚住我家 -真的吗？ - By the way, Axel will stay at my place tonight. - Really?

是的 我床上 Yes, in my bed.

他无家可归 还想一醉方休 He has no apartment and he wants to get drunk, too.

也就是说 他躺在你旁边昏睡过去 还鼾声连连 Well, so what he'll be lying next to you passed out and snoring.

而你会紧张得睡不着 …and you will be to nervous to close your eyes.

-也许吧 -不过 我承认我嫉妒你 - Probably. - Still, I admit I am jealous.

他是不是很可爱？ Isn't he cute?

♪ has a villa in the zoo

如果他是双性恋我也不惊讶 Wouldn't surprise me if he's bi.

这他妈是什么？ What the heck is that,

太恶心了 …tastes disgusting.

是肝酱 Liver paste.

♪ My gorilla

♪ has a villa

♪ in the zoo

脱了 脱了 Remove! Remove!

感谢大家！ Thanks a lot!

-怎么了吗？-我做不到 - What happened? - I can't.

-你做不到？为什么？-对不起 我就是不行 - You can't? Why not? - Sorry, I can't.

你有什么麻烦吗 我们可以先谈谈吗？ Do you have a problem, we can talk about first?

不 我没有问题 我要回家了 No, I don't have problem, I'm going home.

嗯 我喜欢这样 Oh great, I like that.

你让我一整晚性奋着 现在却要离开 You turn me on all night and then run away.

你们女人以为只有自己才会遇到麻烦 You women think you are the only ones who have problems.

我也有麻烦事 但我还是想要做爱 I have problems too, but still want to have sex.

我的周五已经结束了 你觉得这个时候我还能带个女伴回来吗？ My Friday is over, or do you think I can pick up another one this late?

混蛋！ Asshole!

好了 女孩们 你们已经玩得尽兴了 So, girls, it's over, you had enough fun…

回家吧！ Go home!

说起来 你有胸毛吗？ Say, you have hair on your chest?

毛发？我有软毛 Hair? I have fur.

-真的？给我看看 -手拿开 - Really? Show me. - Hands off.

你回去得帮你的直男朋友脱裤子了 You'll have to help your straight friend out of his pants later.

我也有胸毛 不过我也不会给你看 I have hair too, but I won't show you either.

差不多了！ That's enough!

阿克塞尔 走 我们回家吧 Axel, come, we'll go home now.

我不跟你走 你只想把我弄上你的床 I won't come with you, you only want to get me into your bed.

是的 沃尔特劳只是想睡你 Yeah, Waltraut just wants to sleep with you.

-胡说八道！-手拿开！ - Bullshit! - Hands Off!

你就当在外过夜 你可以睡在沙发上 You just sleep over, you can sleep on my couch.

一个字也别信！ Don't believe a word!

-我们要不要走啊？-好吧 我要睡在诺博特家 - So are we leaving or what? - Yes, I'll sleep at Norbert's.

-什么？-什么？ - What? - What?

为什么是我？听着 阿克塞尔 Why me? Listen Axel…

你什么都不用担心 沃尔特劳不会对你怎样的 You do not have anything to be afraid of. Waltraut wants nothing from you.

我要去在你家睡 因为你是个帅哥 I'll sleep at your place, because you are a really cool dude.

那好吧 他就在你身边昏睡过去 还鼾声连连 Well, so what he'll be lying next to you passed out and snoring.

然后你就紧张得睡不着觉吧 …and you will be too nervous to close your eyes.

晚安 女士们 Good evening, Ladies.

阿克塞尔 直走 Straight ahead, Axel.

这是沙发 脱下你的外套吧 There's the couch. Take off your jacket.

让我脱下这愚蠢的鞋子 Let me take off my stupid pumps.

-你知道为什么你们同性恋比我们好吗？-我不知道 - Do you know why you gays have it better than us? - Hm, no idea.

你们不会和女人扯上麻烦 You don't trouble yourselves with women.

可是我们和男人纠缠不清 Instead we trouble ourselves with men.

一样没有乐趣 No fun either.

女人更麻烦！ Women are worse!

在我看来 直男都应该成为同性恋 而女人应该接管世界政治 In my opinion, straight men should all become gay and women should take over world politics.

这是拯救地球的唯一方法 That's the only way we can save our planet.

你当过兵吗？ Were you in the army?

-当然没有！-我当过 - God no! - I was.

我们好几个星期见不着女人 你能想象那种酷刑吗？ We didn't see women for weeks. Can you imagine what torture that was?

几个星期 没有女人！ No women… for weeks!

不能 No.

我们营有个叫阿尔方斯的家伙 We had a guy in our company, his name was Alfons…

他是个真的艺术家 他的文身手艺高超 你要看看吗？ He was a real artist. He could tattoo really well, wanna see?

不错吧？ Not bad, ey?

-诺博特 你好 -弗伦岑 你好 你想干嘛 - Hello Norbert. - Hello Fränzchen, what the hell do you want.

不好意思 我钥匙丢了 而库尔特今晚不在家 I'm sorry, I lost the keys to my house and Kurt is not at home,

如果你想说服我留下来过夜 那对我一点用都没有 If you are trying to say you would like to stay over, then that won't work for me at all.

-为什么？-阿克塞尔在这 - Why? - Axel is here.

不出所料！ Typical!

只要有帅气直男出现 你就会抛下好朋友不管 As soon as a hot straight guy enters the picture you leave your best friends hanging.

-那好吧 我去公园板凳上过夜 -好了 快进来！ - Oh well, I am off to sleep on a park bench. - Ok, ok, ok… come in!

不过你得睡在客厅的沙发上 But you'll sleep on the couch in the living room.

当然 我可不是为了你的直男来的 Sure, I'm not after your straight guy.

阿克塞尔 弗伦岑今晚也要在这过夜 Axel, Fränzchen is also staying over tonight.

我提议你和我睡在卧室 让弗伦岑睡沙发 可以吗？ I suggest you sleep in the bedroom with me and Fränzchen sleeps here on the couch, ok?

你要是有毯子的话 我就睡沙发上了 If you have a blanket, then I'll stay here on the couch…

然后他可以跟你睡床上 and that guy there can sleep in your bed.

我有毯子 不过太薄了 你可能会感冒的 I have a blanket, but it's terribly thin, you might get cold.

我床上有刚买的羽绒被 非常舒适和温暖 In my bed I have fresh feather comforters, really cozy and warm.

如果因为我而让你今晚很糟 我很抱歉 If I ruined something for you here, I am very sorry.

别想了 Forget it…

他说过 他认识一个女人的最好方法就是在上床 Well, he said the best way for him to get to know a woman was in bed.

明白了 是那种男人 I see. that kinda guy.

但是我也顾不上了 你知道吗？过去三年我只和阿克塞尔睡过 But I was desperate, you see? The last three years I only ever slept with Axel.

所以我去了他的住处 为什么不呢？ So I went to his place. Why not?

-毕竟 常言说 笨蛋更会操 是吧？ -嗯 - After all, they say: "dumb fucks well", right? - Well…

一旦我们开始 我就无法坚持到底 And once we started, I just couldn't follow through.

这样没有效果 我还是会想到阿克塞尔 It didn't work, I had to think of Axel.

我更想和他做爱 I would have preferred sex with him.

-我还是想着那个混蛋 -该死 - I am still attached to that ass. - Oh crap.

所以我回家了 不过 当然他不在 So I went home, but of course he was not there.

他把所有东西都拿走了吗？ Did he take away all of his things already?

没有 只带了最重要的东西 No, only the most important stuff.

我躺在床上 希望他会出现 I lay in bed hoping he'd still show up.

别操心 他会回来的 Don't worry, he'll come back.

天哪 我所有想甩掉他的决心都被抛到了窗外 God dammit, all my resolutions to dump him are out the window again.

但你还不知道最糟糕的部分 But you don't know the worst part yet.

我月经已经晚一周没来了 My period is a week overdue.

不是吧 Crap.

我希望你不会爱上这个男人 I hope you're not about to fall in love with this guy.

你为什么这么说？ Ha, what makes you say that?

你通常中午之前都不会脱下你的浴袍 You usually don't make it out of your bathrobe before noon,

而今天 你打扮得光鲜亮丽地坐上餐桌 and today you are all gussied up at the breakfast table.

崭新的裤子 漂亮的衬衫 Brand new pants, fancy shirt…

你珍爱的陶瓷？ …your good china?

胡说 Nonsense.

早上好！ Morning!

你家里有阿司匹林吗？ Do you have an aspirin in the house?

等一下 我去看看 Just a moment, I'll check.

有的 毫无疑问 Yep… Well, no wonder.

潘趣酒里兑了四瓶伏特加 你一个人就解决了一半 The punch bowl had 4 bottles of vodka and you emptied half of it.

你们是谁来着？ Who are you guys anyway?

我叫弗伦岑 我是昨晚穿着木鞋的奶酪女孩 I am Fränzchen, I was the cheese-girl with the wooden shoes last night.

-而他是粉红玫瑰 -那我为什么在这儿？ - …and she was the pink rose. - And what am I doing here?

你本来该跟沃尔特回家的 Well, you were supposed to stay with Walter,

但是机缘巧合下 你来了这儿 but certain circumstances brought you here eventually.

什么情况？ What circumstances?

就是 Um… ya…

弗伦岑 你不是开会要迟到了吗？ Fränzchen, aren't you running late for that meeting?

我的会？ My meet…?

-是的 我的会议 -我送你到门口 - Yes, my meeting. - I'll help you to the door.

诺博特 我知道这些人 当他们和老婆产生矛盾时 I know these types, Norbert. When they have problems with their wives

他们就想在我们这里寻求慰藉 因为我们人美心善 they look for comfort in our arms because we are so nice and understanding,

-但只要他们找到别的女人 -是的 是的 - but as soon as they land another woman… - Yeah, yeah…

小心点 Take care.

-我能洗个澡吗？-什么？ - Can I take a shower here? - What?

当然 浴室就在那边 Sure! Of course you can. The bathroom is right back there.

跟我说说 沃尔特到底怎么了？ Tell me, what exactly happened with Walter?

就是 真的有点尴尬 You know, that was a little embarrassing.

你害怕沃尔特会对你动手动脚 所以就睡我家了 You were scared that Walter wanted to make a move on you, so you slept here.

现在沃尔特有点 生气 And now Walter is a little… mad.

生我气吗？不意外 With me? Typical.

你觉得他对那样的事情很敏感吗？ What do you think, is he very sensitive with things like that?

怎样 ？什么？ How? What?

他对这种事很敏感吗？ If he is sensitive like that?

你可以给他打电话 You could call him that.

-你的公寓很漂亮！-你这样觉得吗？ - You have nice apartment! - You really think so?

-这些灯都是我自己做的 -真不错！ - I made all the lamps myself. - Nice!

租金是多少？ How much are you paying?

九百 全部在内 900, everything included.

我和多萝的住处也很不错 Doro and I also had a nice place.

你要是愿意 可以在这里多住几天 这里有的是空间 If you want, you can stay here for a few days. There's plenty of space.

不了 谢谢 我只会惹你生气 No, thank you, I would only get on your nerves.

胡说八道！如果一个人待着 你只会变得沮丧 That's bull! If you stay alone, you'll only get depressed.

要是没效果 你可以再找个地方 If it doesn't work, you can just move again.

你和我 可以一起购物 做饭 You and I, together we could do some shopping, do some cooking…

互相干对方 (thinking) do each other…

我会考虑的 I'll think about it.

我活不久了 (thinking) I won't last long.

-一部电影 -好的 一部电影 - One movie please. - Of course, a movie.

街区新女孩 还是 年轻女儿的火辣大腿？ New Clits on the Block or Young Daughters' Hot Thighs?

阿克塞尔？ Axel?

你在这里做什么？ What are you doing here?

我在为我们男子小组准备一个汇报 I am working on a presentation for our men's group.

主要是男性在专业色情作品中的角色扮演行为 Specifically the role-playing behavior of men in professional pornography.

要做到这一点 我必须咬紧牙关 看一次这样的电影 To do this I have to bite the bullet and watch something like this once.

那你呢？你怎么来这儿了？ And you? What brings you here?

我吗？一样 Me? The same.

除非你亲眼所见 否则很难相信 It's hard to believe unless you see it with your own eyes.

他们对这些女人所做的不是很可怕吗？ Isn't it appalling what they do to these women?

我只是不明白别人怎么会认为这是色情 I simply do not understand how someone can consider this to be erotic.

我看够了 我得走了 I've seen enough, I am leaving.

-那你呢 你还想待在这里吗？-我才到这啊 - And you, you actually want to stay in here any longer? - But I only just got here.

我也是 但我已经开始恶心了 Me too. But I am already getting nautious.

你说得对 我也感觉不舒服 You're right, I am also feeling sick.

我最好离开这里 I better get out of here.

-真是恐怖 -是的 - Outrageous. - Yes.

好了 保重 Well, take care.

-或许能在小组再见到你？-是的 再会 - Maybe I'll see you in the group? - Yeah, we'll see.

那个同性恋打电话来说 他再也不来参加了 Ah, the gay guy called, said he won't be coming anymore.

他没有说什么理由 不过我很高兴 他太讨人厌了 He didn't give any reasons, but I'm quite glad, he was pretty obnoxious.

-那么 再见了 -保重 - So, bye for now. - Take care.

再来一次 火辣大腿 谢谢 Again, those hot thighs please.

-那么 你看出什么了吗？-没有 - Well, can you see anything? - No.

是阳性 Positive.

是阳性的 你没有看到粉红点吗？ It's positive, don't you see the pink dot?

-你只是在臆想 -我没看错 我都测过15次了 - You're just imagining things. - I'm not seeing things, I took this test 15 times.

-我知道我在说什么 -只有一小时后才能看到结果 - I know what I am talking about. - You can only tell after one hour.

那好吧 已经一小时了 Well, it's been an hour.

不 我们还要等4分钟 No, we have 4 minutes left.

也许那个点会消失 Maybe the dot will disappear.

多萝 你怀孕了 You are pregnant, Doro.

万岁 Hurray.

-你好 -你把我吓得要死 - Hi. - You scared the hell out of me.

-这是？-斯泽瓦尔达兹 - What is this? - Szewardnaze.

别担心 它一般很安静 因为坐地铁了才这么激动 No worries, he's usually calmer. He's excited because of the subway ride.

真可爱 How cute.

我空出来一个橱柜 有空间放你的东西了 I emptied a cabinet, so you have some space for your stuff.

那个箱子里有什么？你是摄影师还是什么的吗？ What do you have in that case? Are you a photographer or something?

曾经想成为摄影师 但现在 我只是给家具目录拍拍椅子 I wanted to become one at some point. But now I photograph chairs for a furniture catalogue.

-不得不说他很漂亮 -谁？ - I'll have to admit he's quite beautiful. - Who?

鸟啊 The bird.

我把它放在窗旁边 这样它就视野开阔了 I'm putting him next to the window, so he has a view.

很好 Good.

它是多萝送我的 我真的很喜欢它 He was a gift from Doro, I've become really attached to him.

他总是心情不错 我只是还没教他怎么说话 我会教的 He is always in a good mood. I just haven't taught him how to talk yet, but I will.

不瞒你说 它超级聪明的 He is extremely intelligent, you know?

当他想从笼子里出来时 他就会使可怕的把戏 When he wants out of his cage he uses this awesome trick.

它会装死 He plays dead.

我们要很久才能再抓到它了 It will take ages before we catch him again.

他现在和你一起生活了 还是怎样？ Does he live with you now, or what?

不 他只是待几天 因为他没有地方住 No, he'll just stay a few days, because he has no place to stay.

可怜的小蠢货 Aww, poor little lamb.

沃尔特劳 放下怨恨 他道过歉了 Waltraut, lose that grudge, he apologized.

你有火吗？ Do you have a light?

你知道厕所该怎么走吗？ Do you know which way to the toilet?

谢谢！ Thank you!

-我们得走了 马上 -为什么 我们才到这里 - We've got to go, now. - But why, we only just got here.

-我不会在这里再待一秒钟了 -但是发生什么了？ - I will not stay another second in this joint. - But what happened?

-我会在回家路上告诉你的 -为什么要回家 这才11点啊 - I will tell you on the way home. - But why go home, it's only 11.

-我们坐火车 你知道怎么做 -为什么不能让他自己回去？ - We're taking the train, you know the drill. - Why can't he go by himself?

我的天 阿克塞尔有需求 我们就得有求必应 My god, when Axel wants something we all have to jump.

放松点 所以 他想和你搭讪 Relax, so, he wanted to hit on you.

为什么他就不能给我买杯啤酒什么的 Why can't he just buy me a beer or something.

为什么他要给我看他的巨根？在厕所里 Why does he have to show me his monster cock? …in the bathroom.

难道他要在舞池这么做吗？ Should he have done it on the dance floor?

-不是 -那不就得了 - No. - There you go then.

发生什么事了？ What is going on here?

该死 是斯泽瓦尔达兹干的 Damn, that was Szewardnaze.

噢 不要 Oh no.

告诉我这不是真的 Tell me this isn't real.

我所有植物 All my plants…,

看我的榕树！ Look at my ficus!

对不起 这种情况并不常发生 I'm sorry, that really doesn't happen very often.

垂死的森林 有毒的河流 到处都是核电站 Dying forests, poisoned rivers, nuclear power plants everywhere…

而且你还要孩子带到这个世界上来 and you have to go and bring children into this world.

-真好啊 -别逼逼了 好吗？ - Bravo. - Stop already, okay?

最重要的是 孩子还是那混蛋的 我不懂你 And on top of all this it is from that jerk. I don't understand you.

你跟他谈过钱的事吗？ Did you talk to him about money?

多萝已经找好几天了 但无人知晓他去了哪里 Doro has been looking for days, but none knows where he's gone to.

我要是找到他了 第一件事就是让他娶我 And if I find him, I will first talk about marrying with him.

什么？你失去理智了吗？ What? Are you out of your mind?

在他对你做这些事后 你还要嫁给那个混蛋吗？ After everything he's done to you, you want to get married to that asshole?

-你需要心理医生吗？-够了 尤塔 - You need a shrink? - That's enough, Jutta…

如果谁能叫他混蛋的话 只有我 明白吗？ If anyone can call him an asshole, it is me, is that clear?

好吧 Fine…

而且 医生说我再流产可能再也怀不上孩子了 Besides, the doctor said after another abortion I may not be able to have kids.

我只是不想冒险 I simply don't want to risk it.

多萝 这个男人这么多年来就只会给你惹麻烦 Doro, this guy has been nothing but trouble over the years.

那个他背着你操了几个月的俱乐部妓女呢？ What about that club-whore he was doing behind your back for months?

但是他承认他犯错了 But he admits he's made mistakes.

多萝 你知道这个孩子会彻底改变你的生活吗？ Doro, are you even aware that this child will change your life completely?

不能再去酒吧或看电影了 No more clubbing or going to the movies.

一天到晚都得围着孩子转 There will only be the child from dusk til dawn.

她说得对 多萝 不过 She's right, Doro, but…

如果你想外出的话 If you ever want to go out…

我很乐意照看孩子 I'd be happy to babysit.

是的 如果你需要帮助的话 我也会帮助你 Yeah, I was just going to offer that myself, if you ever need help.

是我先说的！ I said it first!

能让我看看吗？ Can I take a look?

-你不喜欢吗？-喜欢 非常喜欢 - You don't like them? - Yes, very much.

为什么不拍拍家具以外的东西呢？ Why don't you go for more than just furniture?

诺博特 放下推车 我们去餐馆吃吧 Norbert, leave the cart already. Let's just grab something at a restaurant.

我知道一家很不错的牛排店 I know this great steak house.

去外面吃开销很大的 Going out to eat gets too expensive quickly.

除此之外 烹饪很有趣的 看看周围 Apart from that, cooking can be a lot of fun. Take a look around!

这些香料 你可以用它们创造美食 All of these spices, you can get real creative with.

-那可真棒啊 -你自己做过饭吗？ - Oh, how terrific. - Did you even ever cook anything yourself?

-当然 煮咖啡 煎鸡蛋 -好吧 那样的话 是时候学习下了 - Of course. coffee, eggs… - Well, in that case it's about time.

你要不去挑些食材放进购物车吧？ Why don't you put something in the shopping cart?

-你是开玩笑吧 -怎么了？ - You've got to be kidding me. - What?

先说清楚 第一 我不吃肉 Pay close attention, first of all, I do not eat meat.

第二 我见不得血 Secondly, I can not stand the sight of blood.

最后 我不想在家里存放死了的动物 …and lastly I don't want dead animals in my house.

那我们该吃什么呢？燕麦粥还是苹果酱？ Well, what are we supposed to eat then? Gruel or apple sauce?

白油圣彼得鱼 'Saint Pierre au beurre blanc'

-现在怎么办？-分吧！ - What now? - Cut!

怎么弄？ How?

像这样 Like this.

你有报纸吗？这样我可以找个地方吃？ Do you get any newspaper, so I can look for a room somewhere?

我有订报纸 不过总是被偷 I have a subscription, but it always gets stolen.

-是谁偷的？-我怎会知道？ - Who is stealing it? - How should I know?

-你没有采取什么行动吗？-我该怎么做？ - What are you doing about it? - What am I supposed to do?

-维护自己的权利 -怎么做？ - Stand up for yourself. - But how?

你要我早上五点就去那儿蹲点吗？ Do you expect me to lay down there at 5 in the morning?

我为什么要这么受罪？ What have I done to deserve this?

什么？你根本不用一大早起床 What? You didn't even have to get up early…

因为你没上床睡觉 because you never went to bed.

对了 那条鱼很好吃 The fish was delicious, by the way.

你很会讨家庭主妇开心 Ooh, you'd make a housewife happy.

振作起精神来！ Grow some balls!

我在努力 I'm working on it.

要是这家伙九点才来拿我的报纸呢？ What do we do if this guy waits til 9 to take my paper?

那我们就等到九点 So we wait til 9.

-该死 -怎么了？ - Shit. - What?

我只是想多萝了 I was just thinking of Doro.

你从来没有和女人发生过什么吗？ Say, you never had anything with a woman?

有啊 也许差不多吧 Yeah, or something like it.

那是我十七岁吧 大概 已经过去很久了 I was about 17 or so… It has been a long time.

我和她睡在一个睡袋 Well, I was lying in a sleeping bag with…

好像叫玛丽昂来着 um, Marion was her name I think,

当时我觉得她期待我做些什么 所以 I thought she's probably expecting me to do something, so…

我把手指放进她里面 她试着用她锋利的指甲来报答好意 I stuck my finger in her and she tried to return the favor somehow with her sharp fingernails.

一点情趣也没有 没多久我们就放弃了 It wasn't exactly erotic, so after a few minutes we gave up.

-就这样？-没错 - Is that all? - Yes.

我不觉得我有错过什么 And I don't feel like I am missing out on anything.

你们这些直男有着某种母亲情结 You straight men have some kind of mother complex.

是吗？ Really?

你们都想回到妈妈的肚子里 You all want to get back into your mommy's tummy.

不过这是做不到的 所以你们就用下面突入达到目的 And because that's not possible, you want to peak in with your wieners.

总之 这就是我的异性恋理论 …at least that is my theory of heterosexualiy.

顺便说一下 我给一个朋友看了些你的照片 By the way, I showed a friend of mine some of your photo work.

他是几本杂志的出版商 He's a publisher of a couple of magazines.

你做了什么？ You did what?

-得有人帮你 -你至少问一下吧 - Someone needed to do it. - You could have at least asked.

那倒是 总之 他喜欢你的照片 还有工作安排给你 True, anyway, he liked the pictures and has a few jobs for you.

你三点有个预约 我稍后给你地址 You have an appointment at three, I'll give you the address later.

等下 你就是 嘘！ Slow down, you just… psst!

-谁住在一楼？-曼弗雷德·贝克 - Who lives on the first floor? - Manfred Beker.

-还有吗？-也许就是他了 - And? - He may be the one.

这是个误会 This is a misunderstanding.

我只是想看看电视节目表 I just wanted to have a look into the TV schedule.

给我仔细听着 Listen to me very carefully.

现在我也住这儿 明早要是没有报纸的话 I also live here now, and if there's no paper here in the morning…

我会控制不住自己的 I will go apeshit.

所以 以后你路过这里没有看到邮箱里的报纸 So, in case you pass by here in the future, and you see an empty mailbox

你最好去买一份并放进去 you better go buy one and put it in there.

因为以后再丢报纸 我只会唯你是问 Because the next time it is missing I will hold you personally responsible.

-听清楚了吗？-是的！ - Is that clear? - Sure!

很好 Good.

阿克塞尔 干得漂亮 Beautifully put, Axel.

所以 我站在肉品柜台前 发现了这个新工人 So, I stand at the meat counter and I spot this new worker.

她很年轻 或许还是个实习生 She's very young, maybe still a trainee…

而且她胸很大 and she has a pretty large bosom.

我是说 是巨乳 I mean, really big breasts.

我心想 And I thought to myself:

天啊 这女孩的奶子真大啊 'Dear Lord, that girl has huge tits.'

实际上 我不认为 Literally, I didn't think,

这位年轻女子胸部很大 'this young woman has a large bosom'.

真实想法是 天哪 这个女孩有巨大的乳头 The really thought: "Holy moly, this girl has huge tits".

经过两年的男子小组讨论 After two years of men's group.

我为自己感到羞愧 I was so ashamed of myself.

当轮到我的时候 我都不知道该说什么了 And at that moment it was my turn, and I didn't know what to say.

我买了熏肠 即使我并不喜欢吃 I ordered baloney, even though I don't like it.

熏肠正是阳具的象征 Baloney is clearly a phallic symbol.

不 抱歉 但是 No, sorry. But…

我认为问题并不在此 I think the problem lies somewhere else.

跟着我思考 肉和乳房 Follow me on this one. Meat and big breasts.

这肯定触发了某种童年创伤 It must have opened up some sort of childhood trauma.

鲁迪格 你妈妈和香肠有什么特殊的关联吗？ Rüdiger, did your mother have a special relationship with sausages?

如果你在鱼类柜台 你会怎么回答？ How would you have responded if you had been at the fish counter?

鱼？ Fish?

为什么是鱼？ Why fish?

-阿克塞尔 你好！-大伙好 你们又在思考问题吗？ - Hello Axel! - Hey guys, solving problems again?

你遇到什么事了？笑得跟中彩票似的？ What happened to you? You smile like you won the lottery?

我过得很好 我有地方住 而且还有新工作 Well, I am doing well. I have a new apartment and new job.

我只是来拿行李的 And now all I need is my suitcase.

那么 保重了 So, take care.

克劳斯-迪特 当你做那汇报时 Klaus-Dieter, when you give that presentation

就是关于 年轻女儿火辣大腿 那个 about the "Young daughter's hot thighs"

给我说一声 我很有兴趣听听 let me know, I'm really interested to hear about that.

什么汇报？ What presentation?

阿克塞尔是对的 跟那个词语没有关系 Axel is right, there's nothing wrong with that word.

为什么要把一切都戏剧化？ Why dramatize everything?

奶子！ Tits!

奶子 Tits, Tits, Tits.

-那现在呢？-哈特威奇大街 - And now? - Hartwichstrasse.

-去前任那儿？-是的 - To your Ex? - Yes.

-她要是在家呢？-不会的 她在上班 - What if she's home? - Nope, she's at work.

除了投影仪就没有别的了吗？ Except for the projector there's nothing else here?

没有 这些都是多萝的 No, it all belongs to Doro.

-在哪儿？-这边 - Where is it? - Over there.

这是我们在南海岸 This is us on the south coast.

那时还有无人踏足的海滩 Back then there were still wonderfully deserted beaches.

看看这曼妙身姿 Take a look at this body.

身材是不是很棒？ Isn't that a great body?

这张照片是在山里拍的 很赞吧 That is in the mountains, it was awesome.

我们住在山顶上一间废弃的小屋里 We stayed in an abandoned cabin at the summit

开车到不了那里 you couldn't get there with the car.

我们只好带上行李步行上去 We had to put on our backpacks and went up on foot.

天气太冷了 我们被冻得够呛 We froze our butts off, it was so cold.

我们到达后 女主人就给我们做了些好吃的 The hostess made us some great food as soon as we got there.

培根肉丸和炒土豆 Meatballs with bacon and stir-fried potatoes.

我们出发的时候 才发现多萝忘带睡袋了 When we went to be we realized Doro forgot her sleeping bag.

所以我们睡一起 So we shared mine.

太浪漫了 It was so romantic.

阿克塞尔 我可以脱衣服吗 我觉得很热 Axel, is it ok if I take off some clothes, I am really hot…

没事 脱吧 No, go ahead.

还是没收获 Again, nothing.

我问遍人了 他姐姐 父母 以及朋友 I went to everyone. His sister, parents and buddies.

无人知晓他去哪儿了 No one knows where he is.

也许我们是该报警了？ Maybe it's time we inform the police?

-最后试一下 载我回家！-回家？ - One more try, take me home! - Home?

是的 回家 Yes, home.

没有人比多萝更好了 There's just none else like Doro.

只有追悔莫及时才会意识到 You only realize that when it's too late.

-那是什么？-多萝 在一个古老的 - What was that? - Doro. It is in the ancient…

不是 另外一张 No, no, no, the other one.

我想试试我相机的定时功能 I wanted to try my camera's timer function.

诺博特！ Norbert!

嘿 你什么也没有穿 Hey, you're not wearing anything anymore.

糟了 是多萝 Damn, it's Doro.

什么？ What?

快跑！ Go!

阿克塞尔？你在吗？ Axel? Are you here?

我会带她去卫生间 然后你偷偷溜出去 明白吗？ I'll take her to the bathroom and you sneak out quietly, got it?

阿克塞尔 Axel…

多萝 Doro…

我到处找你 I was looking for you everywhere.

谁都不知道你去哪儿了 No one knew where you were.

听我说 就是 Let me explain, I was…

我想你 阿克塞尔 I missed you Axel…

多萝 Doro…

有什么事吗？你看着好怪 Is anything wrong? You're acting weird.

我？举止怪异？你怎么这么说？ Me? Weird? What makes you say that?

我了解你 肯定是哪里不对劲 I know you. Something's not right.

因为 Because…

我只是想 I just wanted to…

-有其他女人在吗？-什么？ - Is there a women here? - What?

带回我家？ In my house?

多萝 我发誓！这里真没别的女人 Doro, there is absolutely no woman, I swear!

她在哪儿？ Where is she?

不是吧 Oh no.

她不在衣柜里吧？ She is not in the closet?

多萝 我们去卫生间吧 好吗？ Doro, let's go to the bathrooms, ok?

去卫生间 To the bathroom…

我要见她 打开衣柜 I want to see her, open the closet.

-多萝 拜托 -让我打开衣柜 - Doro, please. - Let me open the cabinet.

晚上好！ Evening!

看来 我还是先走好了 Well, I better go now…

该死 该死 Shit, shit, shit.

多萝 听着 我可以解释 Doro, listen, I can explain.

这不是世界末日 It is not the end of the world.

重要的是你要明白 It's important that you understand that…

你不会以为我变弯了什么的吧 you don't think I turned gay or something like that.

我真的不是同性恋 I'm really not gay.

是个人都有点双性恋 Everyone is a little bi,

比如说 爱因斯坦 we know that since Einstein.

-弗洛伊德 -对 弗洛伊德 - Freud - Right, Freud.

但我甚至不是双性恋！ But I'm not even that!

相反 离开你后我想死你了 On the contrary, I missed you like crazy since I left.

我也想你 但我也没变蕾丝啊 I missed you too, but I didn't turn lesbian.

多萝 这都不能说明什么 是完全无关的 真的 Doro, all this doesn't mean anything. It's completely irrelevant, honestly.

我什么都不懂了 I don't understand anything anymore.

我们分开了两周 然后你成了同性恋 而我怀孕了 We separate and after two weeks you're gay and I am pregnant.

挺好的 我们都发现了自己新的方面 Quite fitting, we both discover something new in ourselves.

-你说什么？-我怀孕了 - What did you just say? - I'm pregnant.

多萝 但是 这真是 太棒了！ Doro… but… that is… that is fantastic!

-是谁的？-你的 蠢蛋 - Who's the father? - You, you moron.

-真的吗？-是的 千真万确 - Is that true? - Yes, it is true.

多萝！ Doro!

-再见 -保重 诺博特 - Bye. - Take care, Norbert.

我们还会见面吗？我是说 就一起玩？ Will we meet again? I mean, just hang out?

是的 我会给你打电话的 Yes, I'll call you sometime.

好吧 Ok.

-你的东西呢？-我会来拿的 - And your stuff? - I'll come pick them up.

♪ Kein Schwein ruft mich an - Max Raabe

阿克塞尔 你不能就这样把我丢在这儿 阿克塞尔！ Axel, you can't leave me alone in this state. Axel!

抱歉 但我要回到多萝身边 Sorry, but I'm going back to Doro.

再见 Ciao.

诺博特 怎么了？ What is it, Norbert?

已经宫缩了还是怎么了？ Already having contractions or what?

诺博特 你得用力 使劲啊！ Norbert, you have to push, push already!

对 很好 就要出来了！ Yes! Great! It's coming!

好的 诺博特 真棒！ Yes, Norbert, yes!

真是个漂亮的小东西 Such a beautiful little treasure.

诺博特 恭喜你 你做到了 Norbert, congratulations. You did it.

八个月前 科隆市中心有两颗原子弹爆炸 The detonation of two atomic bombs in the center of Cologne 8 months ago month…

抱歉 I'm sorry.

八个月前 科隆市中心有两颗自动炸弹爆炸 The detonation of two auto bombs in the center of Cologne 8 months ago…

已经结案了 …has been solved.

早上好 豪斯特 Good morning, Horst.

你做梦的时候又尖叫了 You were screaming in your sleep again.

曼哈顿肉球杀手？ The meatball murderer of Manhattan?

你非要一大早就看这种东西吗？ Do you have to watch this stuff in the morning already?

我刚下夜班回来 I am back from my night shift.

那和这个有什么关系？ And what does that have to do with anything?

这样我才能放松下来 That's how I can relax the best.

-他是做什么的？-是个受过训练的屠夫 - And what does he do? - It is a trained butcher.

-受过什么训练？-你没听错 - Trained what? - You heard correctly.

你能想象我要面对多少冲突吗？ Can you imagine the conflicts I am having?

我是素食主义者 还和屠夫上床 I am a vegetarian and fuck a butcher.

对于同性恋者来说 这是一个完全不典型的职业 That is a completely atypical profession for a homosexual.

还有 他喜欢足球 Also, he's into soccer.

足球？ Soccer?

哪里不对劲 Something is not right.

你还知道哪个同志会喜欢看足球吗？ Or do you know a single gay person who likes to watch soccer?

我就不看 I don't.

-还有呢？-就这样 他需要过段时间才能走 - And otherwise? - So-so, It takes him a while to get going…

非得要我审问你吗？ Do I have to interrogate you?

他有勃起问题 He has problems getting erections.

高兴了吗？ Happy?

以他那个年纪？那没什么好说的 At his age? That's nothing to make a song.

这跟年龄没关系 我觉得是心理因素 This has nothing to do with his age. I think it's a mental issue with him.

那我总结下 你的朋友是个屠夫 足球迷 If I may summarize: Your friend is a butcher, soccer fan…

爱看恐怖片 而且不能勃起？ watches horror flicks, and cannot get it up?

-我们这是要去哪儿？-是惊喜 - Where are we headed anyway? - Surprise.

多萝西亚 祝你幸福 Dorothea, I wish you all the best.

谢谢 吉塞拉阿姨 Thank you, Auntie Gisela.

-预产期是什么时候？-两周后 - When are you due? - In 2 weeks.

不要让她占上风 Do not let her get the upper hand.

爷爷 别担心 Don't worry, grandpa.

希望你婚姻幸福 祝你一切顺利！ I hope you'll have a happy marriage. All the best!

谢谢 伊尔斯阿姨 Thank you, Auntie Ilse.

-阿克塞尔 祝贺你 -谢谢 瓦尔劳特 - Congratulations, Axel. - Thank you, Waltraut.

你怎么来了？ What are you doing here?

我碰巧在报纸上看到了 I happened to see it in the paper.

-我就想着要不来参加 -我们？ - I thought we'd just stop by. - We?

我们 当然 We… of course.

看 为了这个场合 我甚至没戴胡子 Look, I even took off my mustache for this occasion.

这真是个美丽的仪式 我哭得像个孩子 It was a beautiful ceremony. I cried like a baby.

你觉得多萝婚后还需要她的婚纱吗？ Do you think Doro will still need her dress after the wedding?

对不起 不是我邀请他们的 I'm sorry. I didn't invite them.

-本该是我一生中最美好的一天 -它仍然是 - The most beautiful day of my life. - It can still be.

-我认为我们得回到接待处 -是吗？你这样认为？ - I think we ought to go back to the reception. - Really? Do you?

你听听我的想法怎么样 阿克塞尔 How about you listen to me, Axel.

我是你的妻子 而且怀胎九月 I am your wife 9-months pregnant.

同时我被你的同志朋友们取笑 我气炸了 And I am pissed off that your homo friends are poking fun at me.

他们不是我的同性朋友 Those are not my homo friends.

我已经几个月没见他们了 I haven't seen these guys in months.

只是因为我知道有些同志不会让我成为同性恋 Only because I know some gay guys doesn't make me a fag.

那为什么会有个裸男藏在我的衣柜里？ Then why was there a naked man in my closet?

我已经解释无数次了 I explained this a thousand times.

我不想让你看到我们在床上 I didn't want you to see us in bed together.

那你和他在床上干什么？ And what exactly were you doing in bed with him?

我们在看相册幻灯片 就这样 幻灯片 We were looking at photo slides. Nothing more. Slides.

-这整件事真是太荒谬了 -你说得对 - This whole thing is really ridiculous. - You're right.

-我有点 -敏感了？ - I am probably a little… - Sensitive?

对不起 阿克塞尔 因为孩子的关系 我有点紧张 Sorry Axel, I'm just a little nervous because of the baby.

还有两周我们就要给小家伙换尿布了 In two weeks we'll change that little dude's diapers.

我们会成为一个家庭 And we'll be a real family.

妈妈 爸爸 以及哭泣的宝宝 A mommy, a daddy and a cry-baby.

两个宝宝 Two cry-babies.

-我们上床吧 好吗？-现在？ - Let's go to bed, ok? - Now?

-为什么不呢？-大家都等着呢 - Why not? - Everyone is waiting.

那就是你又不在状态吗？ So you are not in the mood again?

我当然在状态 Of course I am in the mood.

我们最近没怎么做爱了 你发现了吗？ We're not having a lot sex lately. Did you notice?

我知道 但男人就是这样 如果天气老是这么热的话 I did, but that's how it is for men, if it's always so hot outside.

但是我现在就想要 而不是冬天想要 But I want you now, not in the winter.

好吧 走吧 我们到床上去 Ok, fine, let's go to bed then.

我不想要求太多 I don't want to ask too much.

你要是想的话 我们可以等到冬天 If you want we can wait for winter…

也就再多几个月而已 It's only a few more months.

我们可以休息一会 免得你太紧绷了 We can take a break, so you don't strain yourself too much.

你要是再继续啰嗦 我真要没状态了 If you keep complaining I really won't be in the mood.

这只鸟吵得我受不了 This bird will make me crazy.

我把它放到卫生间去 这样它就可以随便吵了 I'll put him in the bathroom where he can be as loud as he wants.

我真没明白 为什么我们马上有孩子了 却还有只鸟 I really do not understand why we have a bird when we'll have a child soon.

斯泽瓦尔达泽得留下 它是我们家的一员 Szewardnaze will stay. He's part of our family.

好吧 好吧 Alright, alright.

你饿了吗？ Are you hungry too?

好吧 Ok!

好吧 算了！ Ok. Forget it!

看来我得等到冬天了 I guess I'll wait for winter.

我已经习惯禁欲了 I have gotten used to abstinence.

下周末我要去波恩找蕾娜塔 Next weekend I am going to Renata in Bonn.

她和雷纳分手后 状况不太好 She's not doing so well after leaving Reiner.

为什么？ How come?

雷纳总想和她做爱 即使在这么热的天 Reiner wanted have sex with her all the time, even in this heat.

你能快点过来吗？ Are you coming anytime soon?

食物都冷了 The food is getting cold.

-这是什么？-冷掉的蔬菜汤 - What is that? - Cold vegetable soup.

-里面的香肠 专门为我做的？-那是豆腐做的 - The sausage in there, is that for me? - That is a tofu sausage.

又不是真的香肠？ That is not a real sausage again?

这是货真价实的豆腐香肠 This is a real tofu sausage.

那么 到底是不是香肠 So, is it a sausage or not?

是豆腐香肠 我解释几百遍什么是豆腐了 It is tofu sausage, I explained 100 times what tofu is.

所以又是这种素食主义 So it's this vegetarian crap again.

为什么我要整天待在屠宰场？ Why do I even spend all day in a slaughterhouse?

不必要地杀害无辜的动物 To unnecessarily murder innocent animals.

我没有杀动物 I murder no animals.

那你在做什么？ What are you doing then?

我清洗猪大肠 它们可以加工成热狗外皮 I cleanse pig colons. They're being used as hot dog casings.

我只是个清洁工！ This is a very clean job!

你握着一端 另一端套在水龙头上 让水从里面流出来 You take one end, put it on the faucet and run water through it.

从来没有堵过屎 It's very rare that any shit gets stuck.

当然 整个过程都经过了处理 最后变成了香肠 但它微不足道 无人会注意到 Of course, the whole thing gets processed and ends up in the sausage, but it's minimal and none will notice.

-我们能换个话题吗？-是你想知道的 - Can we maybe change the subject? - You wanted to know.

-这里面有葱吗？-少许 - Are there any scallions in there? - A few.

你知道我受不了葱 You know I can't stand scallions.

那就把它挑出来 So put them back into the pot.

整锅汤都有葱味儿 The whole soup tastes like scallions.

我要出去买咖喱酒 I am going out to get myself a Currywurst.

咖喱酒 Currywurst.

还有炸薯条 With french fries.

给我解释一下 我为什么整天待在厨房里！ Explain to me why I spent all day in the kitchen!

没人要你这样 不要起头 None asked you to, so don't even start.

你没要求 但是好吃的时候 你从不抱怨 You didn't ask, but when it tastes good to you, you don't complain either.

混账 Dick.

-阿克塞尔 -我们能谈谈吗？ - Axel. - Can we talk?

好啊 怎么了？ Sure. What is it?

你们出现在我婚礼上 真是太愚蠢了 What you guys did at my wedding was really stupid.

多萝都要崩溃了 All hell broke lose with Doro.

我跟瓦尔特劳抱怨过了 跟我没关系 Complain to Waltraut. I had nothing to do with that.

当时我都不知道要去哪儿 I did not even know where we were going.

穿着礼服出现在我的婚礼上 这只是个坏主意 毫无疑问 她会崩溃 Showing up at my wedding in dresses, that's just a bad idea. No wonder, she'll lose it.

当我们这样做的时候 And while we're at it.

她还是想不通你为什么在壁橱里 She still doesn't understand what you were doing in the closet.

老实说 我也想不起来了 如果我没记错的话 To be honest, I don't either. If I remember correctly…

我们当时在看幻灯片 想要做什么来着 …we were looking at a slide show and wanted to get busy together.

先说清楚 我可从来没想过要跟你忙点什么 To make this clear, I never intended to 'get busy with you'.

不管怎样 她真的认为我们之间有些什么 Regardless, she really thinks we did something.

我们是有点啊 We kinda did.

-不 我没有 -你都勃起了 - No, we didn't! - You had an erection.

没有 我没有勃起 No, I didn't.

我看过够多勃起的了 你当时肯定勃起了 I have see plenty of erections in my life, and you had one.

好吧 对你们同性恋来说 所有直男都是深柜 对吧？ Sure, to you people every straight man is a homosexual in disguise. Right?

不 错了 只有长得帅的直男才是 No, that's wrong. Only every handsome straight guy.

好吧 你决定面对婚姻的责任了 Ok, you decided to face the marital responsibilities.

你都没打过电话 You didn't even call once.

而且趁我不在的时候 收拾东西走人 And you picked up your stuff secretly in my absence.

我能怎么办？多萝听到同志就会抓狂 What should I do? Doro gets angry if she hears the word gay.

除此之外 我对孩子和婚礼已经有足够的准备了 That aside I had enough on my plate with the child and the wedding.

-预产期是什么时候？-差不多十天后 - When is the baby due? - About ten days.

你和多罗之间一切都好吗？ And things are good between you and Doro?

是的 事情还算顺利 Yeah, things are going well.

-那你呢？-是的 都很好 必须的 - And you? - Yes, everything's going well, it has to.

我也有了新恋情 非常不错 I also have a new relationship. It's also great.

好了 我们去喝点东西吧 Come on, let's go get something to drink.

为了孩子 我们不能再拖了 We just can't wait any longer for the little one.

-想看照片吗？-照片？ - Wanna see a photo? - A photo?

是红外线的 It's infra-red.

为什么都没看到 I see nothing there.

这里的亮点 The bright spot here…

这是我儿子 This is my son.

不错 Cute.

-我能再次向你吐露心声吗？-当然 可以啊 - Can I confide in you again? - Sure, why not?

你不能跟任何人说 即使是瓦尔特劳 你能保证吗？ You will not tell anyone, not even Waltraut, promise?

我不能给瓦尔特劳说我们这儿聊过天 她知道的话会杀了我 I can't tell Waltraut we're talking here, she'd rip my head off if she knew.

我那方面表现不太好 我对多萝那方面有问题 I am actually not doing so well. I have problems with Doro.

真令人惊讶 What a surprise.

她怀孕后总是性欲旺盛 Since she's pregnant she has been horny all the time,

但我又不太敢跟她上床 but I can't get myself to sleep with her.

就是因为她那大肚子 听起来是有点蠢 但是 It's because of her stomach. I know it sounds dumb, but…

一开始是挺棒的 她胸部变很大 In the beginning it was cool. She got real nice boobs.

但现在 快分娩时 这对我来说又成了心理问题 But now, shortly before giving birth, it's also a mental problem for me.

我不太想把下面插进去 因为我知道孩子就在那儿 I hesitate to stick it in there, because I know the baby is in there.

我的儿子！我知道 很蠢 但是 My son! Sure, it's silly, but

我只是不想他第一次看到来自他爸爸的东西 是我的阴茎 I just don't want the first thing he sees of his dad to be my penis.

这些异性恋的问题 我根本无法理解 Those are hetero-problems that I absolutely cannot even begin to grasp.

更糟糕的是 我自己又很饥渴 你懂我的意思吧 The worst thing is, I'm awfully horny myself, if you know what I mean.

我总是留意其他女人 I am always on the look-out for other women.

我为什么要跟你说这些呢？ Why am I even telling you all this?

你肯定心想 他什么时候才要停下来 You must be thinking, "When does he finally stop talking".

不 不是的 这很有趣 No, no, it is very interesting.

我喜欢和异性恋男人聊天 I enjoy talking to heterosexually orientated fellow men.

好吧 我得走了 Okay, I need to go.

-替我向多萝问好 -多萝？ - Say hi to Doro. - Doro?

她要是知道我在这里和你聊天 她会气到炸 If she knew I was sitting here with you she'd go bonkers.

如果她听到诺博特·布鲁默这个名字 她就会大发雷霆 If she so much as hears the name Norbert Brummer she throws a fit.

为什么？她根本不认识我 Why? She doesn't even know me.

她只是怕我变成同性恋 Well, she's just afraid I could be gay

因为那样她就再也不能控制我了 because then she wouldn't have any power over me anymore.

-诺博特 保重 -你也是 阿克塞尔 - Take care, Norbert. - You too, Axel.

变成我请的了 I've got the check.

阿克塞尔？ Axel?

不是吧 你是阿克塞尔·费尔德海姆 对吗？ No way. You are Axel Feldheim, right?

-就是你！-我们认识吗？ - Sure! - Do we know each other?

-别这样对我 -艾尔珂·施密特！ - Don't do this to me. - Elke Schmidt!

-我们多久没见了？-至少八年吧 - How long has it been? - At least 8 years.

我以为你住在美国呢 I thought you live in the US now.

是的 但是我爸六十大寿 我回来给他庆生 I do. But my dad turned 60 and I flew in for his birthday.

再说 我也不想错过聚会 Besides, I didn't want to miss the reunion.

你看起来真的很帅气 You look real sharp now, you know.

我喜欢你留短发 I like you with short hair.

你也很火辣 刚才我差点就没认出你来 You're also pretty hot. I almost didn't recognize you earlier.

我看眼睛就知道是你 这帅气的碧眼 I knew you by your eyes. These sharp green eyes.

你还是用那双眼睛透过每个女人的内裤吧 是吗？ You probably still get into every woman's pants with those eyes, right?

那些日子早已过去 Those days are over by now.

还记得那次摇滚音乐会吗？ Remember the Stones concert

我们吃了猪镇静剂那次 when we took the pig tranquilizer.

当然 那怎么忘得了 Of course, how could I forget.

他们在玩 时间为证 而我们躺在草地上 They were playing Time is on my side and we were on the ground

在人群中 在我们的睡袋里 想动物一样做爱 in the crowd, fucking like animals in our sleeping bag.

顺便一提 你是第一个让我高潮的男人 By the way you were the first guy to give me an orgasm.

欧 Oh…

是的 在你的老甲壳虫里 后座上 Yes, in your old beetle, on the back seat.

是的 那辆甲壳虫 Oh yes, the beetle.

你还留着在军队文的那个纹身吗？ Do you still have the tattoo from the military?

那个裸女？ This naked woman?

我能怎么办 你又去不了这种东西 What should I do, you can't get rid of something like that.

我现在也有纹身了 I have a tattoo now too.

在我臀部 一朵玫瑰 On my ass, a rose.

-你要在这里待多久呢？-直到周一 - How long will you be in town? - Til Monday.

你要是想的话 也许我们可以 If you want to, maybe we could…

周六晚在我家 Saturday night at my place…

你知道吗 现在我会做饭了 You know, I learned how to cook.

伊贡 离鸟远点 Egon, stay away from the bird.

拿着 Take it.

对不起 我迟到了 刚遇到一位老朋友 Sorry I am running late, I met an old friend.

晚餐在锅里 可能已经冷了 Dinner is in the pan. It's probably cold already.

尤塔 你能不能不要抽烟 Jutta, can you please cut back on the smoking.

这样对多萝不好 It's unhealthy for Doro.

多萝 抱歉 我应该考虑更周到点的 Doro, sorry, I should be more considerate.

没关系啦 That's ok.

蕾娜塔稍早打电话来 Renata called a little earlier.

说她找了个新男友 现在感觉好多了 She met a new guy and she's feeling better.

所以这周末我不去波恩了 So I won't be going to Bonn on the weekend.

-不是吧 她和雷纳分手了吗？-是的 - No way, she split up with Rainer? - Yep.

但现在她爱上一个意大利面包师 他已经搬进去了 But now she's fallen for an Italian pizza baker. He already moved in.

我打赌这会以灾难告终 I bet it will end in disaster.

蕾娜塔讨厌意大利 Renate hates Italy.

而且她还剪了短头发 看着真可怕 And she cut her hair short, looks horrible.

那你不去波恩了吗？ So you will not go to Bonn?

不去了 我刚说过了 No, I already said that.

因为我周末不在家 我要去参加一个聚会 Because I won't be there on the weekend. I am going to a reunion.

什么聚会？ What reunion?

我刚碰到的朋友 他告诉我的 聚会 周六晚 The friend I met just now, he told me about it. Reunion, Saturday night.

我记得有明信片上写着聚会的邀请 但那是很久以前的事了 I remember the postcard with an invitation for a reunion, but that was a while ago.

我甚至都没看到 I didn't even see it then.

不管怎样 都行 因为他们把它改到了周六 Anyhow, it's all good because they moved it to Saturday.

我想没有你 我能度过星期六 I guess I can spend a Saturday without you.

好吧 那到时候我从厨房带些食物去 Ok, I'll go grab some food in the kitchen.

-十分可疑 -什么？ - Very suspicious. - What?

他的神情 我知道 His look, I know it.

我一点也不喜欢 I don't like it at all.

科隆查号台 4号接线员 Directory Service Cologne, Operator #4.

你好 我需要诺博特·布罗默的电话号码 Hello. I need the phone number of Norbert Brommer.

你觉得这是怎么回事？ What do you think about all this?

我可以肯定地说 他不是在和救世军开会 I think it's safe to say it's not the Salvation Army he's having meetings with.

不可能！我怀着孕！他不能这个时候出轨！ No way! I'm pregnant! He can't just cheat on me!

谁说不能？ Says who?

多萝 我出去转转 Doro, I'll just take a short walk.

待会见 See you.

现在他要告诉她 他们必须在别的地方见面 And now he's going to her to tell her they have to meet somewhere else,

因为你最后会待在家里 because you are staying home after all.

我不信 I don't believe it.

不 我不相信 No, I don't believe it.

-闻起来好像 -什么烧起来了 - Smellls like… - something's burning.

-他疯了吗？-我猜他是走得匆忙 - Is he insane? - I guess he was in hurry.

好像很急迫的样子 Wow, it seems to be urgent.

请坐吧 Take a seat.

老兄 我该怎么跟你解释呢？ Oh man, how should I explain this to you?

想像你走在街上 无意中 Imagine you're walking through town without bad intentions

偶遇一个老同学 and bump into an old class mate.

你看着他并想道 他可真是性感啊 You look at him and think "Damn he's hot".

就那种你见了会被迷得神魂颠倒的男人 So exactly the kind of guy that would make you weak.

金发 碧眼 总之就是 Blue eyes, blond hair, whatever it is…

-还有啤酒吗？-我怎么会知道？ - Do we have any beer around here? - How should I know?

我现在还要管你的啤酒了吗？ Am I responsible for your beer now, or what?

好吧 别上火 Okay, okay, relax.

所以我遇到了碧眼的同学 然后呢？ So I meet a school mate with blue eyes… Now what?

是的 确切说 是金发碧眼 Yes, exactly, blond and blue-eyed.

然后 And…

我们能单独聊聊吗？ Can we maybe talk about this in private?

去拿你的啤酒 Go get yourself some beer.

怎么回事？变性者私密谈话吗？ What's this all about? Secret tranny talk?

拜托了 Please.

我马上就 帅气的金发男人 哈哈？ I'm going already… Handsome blond guys, huh?

那是谁？ Who is that?

一个屠夫 A butcher.

-那么 金发男子怎么了？-欧 好 - Well, what about that blond boy? - Oh, yes…

还记得我之前跟你提过我的问题吧 Remember what I told you earlier about my problem.

就在我离开后 Right after I ran into

我的这个同学 艾尔珂·施密特 this old school mate of mine, Elke Schmidt.

不管怎么说 是我让她第一次高潮的 In any event, she had her first orgasm with me.

然后我和她约在了周六 And I have a date with her on Saturday.

所以 我需要为周六晚找个公寓 Well, and I need an apartment for Saturday night.

你不是认真的吧 You cannot be serious.

诺博特 我知道我这样很无耻 但是 Norbert, I know it is shameless on my part, but

我觉得你可能理解我 I thought you may be able to understand me.

你想在我家和一个女人做爱？ You want to have sex with a woman in my apartment?

要是我就会搞乱他周六的计划 If I were you I'd mess up his plans for Saturday.

我会跟踪他 然后把他和那婊子捉奸在床 I would follow him and catch him in the act with this slut.

-查查电话号码 是不是 -马上办！ - Check the phone number, whether it's… - Let's try…!

我要怎么说？ And what should I say?

晚上好 你是我丈夫的情人吗？ "Good evening, are you my husband's lover?"

先看看是谁 也许你认识她呢 First see who it is. Maybe you know her.

不 我不知道 No, I don't know…

她的名字可能是加比 或者乌尔里珂 Her name's probably Gabi, or Ulrike…

诺博特 最多占用两个小时 Norbert, it will be two hours at most.

我会铺上新床单后就离开的 I'll put on new sheets and then I am out of here.

我不明白你为什么让这件事变复杂 你可以去看电影啊 I do not understand why you make it so difficult. You can go to the movies.

这是违反原则的 It's against principle.

不然我为什么要在1979年的法兰克福游行时举着横幅 “直男 不要 谢谢” ？ Why did I march in Frankfurt 1979 holding a banner "Straight. No, thanks"?

这样我就可以把我的公寓租给你 让某个女人可以达到高潮 Just so I can rent out my apartment to you and some woman can get an orgasm.

你们同性恋总是寻求理解和包容 You homos always ask for understanding and tolerance,

但一旦你们被别人要求时 but as soon as you're asked yourself…

什么？ What?

如果是你在街上遇到性感的男人 但不知道带去哪儿时 If you ever meet a hot guy and you don't know where to take him,

我会毫不犹豫地让你进我家 I'd let you into my home in a heartbeat.

不过只有当多萝不在家时 But only if Doro is not home.

诺伯特·布罗默 Norbert Brommer.

多萝 怎么回事 是谁？ Doro, what, who was it?

我的天 多萝 说点什么啊 Oh my god Doro, say something.

是宫缩了吗？多萝！ Is it the contractions? Doro!

-是个男人！-看来也是个已婚妇女 - It was a guy! - Uhuh, so she's married, too.

他是同性恋！ This was a homosexual!

好吧 忘了吧 Fine, then forget about it…

或许我就不该蠢到来找你 Maybe it was stupid of me to come to you.

对不起 I'm sorry.

-就两小时！-什么？ - Two hours! - What?

两小时后你就会离开 是吗？ After two hours you will be gone, right?

两小时足够了 诺博特 Two is enough, Norbert.

跟她说不要叫太大声了 And tell her not to moan too loudly.

她们本该大声叫出来的 Women are supposed to be very loud,

但我不想成为邻居们一周的讨论对象 and I don't want to be the topic of the week with my neighbors.

要是沃尔特劳听到了 我就死定了 If Waltraut hears or this, I am a dead man.

你不用担心这个 You have nothing to worry about.

还有 不要把床单弄脏了 Also, please don't stain the sheets -

我指的是月经 破处的血迹 还有之类的 I'm referring to blood stains from menstruation, hymens and what else there is…

你知道我见不得血 As you know I can not stand the sight of blood.

当然了 诺博特 Sure, Norbert.

这是钥匙 听着 我们要去看晚场电影 维斯康蒂导的 That's the keys. Listen. We'll go see the late showing, Visconti.

是一部很长的电影 It's some long movie.

你会有时间让她达到性高潮 然后离开 You will have gotten her that orgasm and are out the door…

最迟凌晨一点 明白吗？ by 1 a.m. at the latest… Understood?

谢谢 Thank you.

那个男人在衣柜里 全裸！ …and there was that man in the closet. Naked!

难以置信 Unbelievable.

我想过他会到处乱搞 但是这样？ I imagined he would screw up badly, but this?

而且几天前他还承诺 和那个男人再也没有联系过了 And just a few days ago he promised me he wouldn't have any business with this guy anymore.

他回来了 快过来 别哭了 不能让他知道 He's back, come here, suck it up, he mustn't know.

嗨 我回来了 Hey, I'm back.

你好 Hello.

-别说他们都是为了来看维斯康蒂的电影 -我觉得不是 - Don't tell me they all want to get into the Visconti. - I don't think so.

快看 魂断威尼斯 在这个小剧院上映了 Look, "Death in Venice" is playing in the tiny theatre.

我讨厌客厅式的剧院 I hate living-room sized theatres.

声效差 屏幕差 而且还像沙丁鱼一样堵得水泄不通 The sound is crap, the screen is crap and you are stuck in there like sardines.

那我们就看史泰龙吧！ So let's see Stallone then…!

他认真的吗？ Is he serious?

当然 为什么不呢？万一是部好片子呢 Sure, why not? It's probably a great movie.

算了吧 我不会花10美元只是为了看一些 Forget it. I don't spend 10 bucks just to see some

猛男耍帅两个小时 Rambo kicking asses for two hours.

我们还是去小的那个影厅吧 So let's just go in the small one.

-吕蒂彻大街 谢谢 -我以为是要去你家呢？ - Lütticher Straße, please. - I thought we were going to your place?

是的 我们现在就去那里 我刚刚有一件事要办 Yes, we are going there right now. I just had an errand to run here.

真棒 他们都去看史泰龙了 Cool, they all went to see Stalone.

我们相当于包场了 And we have the whole room to ourselves.

真不错啊 影厅 三排座椅和电视大小的银幕 Good one… "room", three rows of seats and a screen the size of a TV.

但是我喜欢这里只有我们 But I like that we're here alone.

-别担心 会有人来的 -谁会来？ - Don't worry. They will come. - Who will come?

拿着大袋薯片的人 The ones with bags of chips.

首先他们来得晚 First, they get here late.

然后他们坐在你后面 整个电影都在吃东西和聊天 Then they sit down in the row behind you and then they eat and talk the whole movie long.

你多心了 瓦尔特劳 You're just paranoid, Waltraut.

请进 Please come in.

-请自便 -厕所在哪儿？ - Make yourself at home. - Where is the toilet?

厕所 Toilet…

这边 我带你去 Come here, I'll show you.

门就在前面 The door straight ahead.

不是吧 Oh, no…

-我们坐哪儿？-这些废物身上怎么样 - Where do we sit? - How about on our asses.

有人能给我解释一下 这些家伙来看这部电影干什么吗？ Can someone explain to me what these guys are doing here in this film?

对不起 那里面什么都看不见 你想让我在浴缸里小便吗？ I am sorry I can't see anything there. Do you want me to pee in the tub?

是的 是分开的 一扇门过去 我想 Oh yes, it is separately. One door over. I think.

你真不太了解这里的路 是吗？ You don't really know your way around here, do you?

你要是像我一样 经常不在家的话 Well, if you're not home a lot, like me…

把薯片给我 Give me those chips.

混账 自己去买啊 Go buy some yourself, asshole.

我现在也想来点爆米花 I would also love to have some popcorn right now.

糟糕 我没有带烟来？ Damn, didn't I have some cigarettes?

-你带了吗？-也许他们很快就安静下来了 - Do you have them? - Maybe they'll quiet down soon.

也许地球是平的 Maybe the earth is flat.

-等等 -怎么了？ - Wait a minute. - What?

我去拿点东西 Let me get something…

那是什么？ What is that?

亲爱的 这是纯粹的疯狂 My dear, this is pure madness.

公牛力 用于牛繁殖的激素制剂 Bull Power. A stimulating agent for cattle breeding.

德州的牧场主都用它 The ranchers in Texas use it.

你只要把它喷到它们鼻子下面 公牛就会发狂 You just spray it under their noses and the bulls go wild.

阿哈 Aha.

这烂片还要多久啊 How long can this crap possibly last.

我一开始就告诉过你这不是预告片 I told you in the beginning this is not a preview.

我们进错厅了 We are in the wrong room.

别胡说八道 Don't talk shit.

嘿 问下 这是史泰龙的电影 对吧？ Hey, listen up, this is the Stallone movie, right?

不是 史泰龙在大剧院放 No, Stallone is playing in the big theatre.

他说史泰龙在一号厅放 He told me Stallone was playing in theatre 1.

你这个笨蛋 You dumbass.

你什么都信 And you believe everything…

这是什么电影？ What is this movie?

魂断威尼斯 "Death in Venice."

这部电影都是些同性恋什么的吗？ Is this movie full of gay shit or what?

你们能不能闭上嘴？我只想安静地看电影 How about you guys just shut it? I'd like to watch this movie in peace.

你说什么？ What did you say?

你的大脑麻木了 你整个人欲火难耐 Your brain is numbed and all you are is horny.

不会对大脑有害吧？ A little bit of brain can't hurt, no?

它只会对性爱的愉悦起作用 It only interferes with the pleasures of sex.

它会激发出你的动物本能 This stuff will bring out your animal instincts.

你会进入像德州种牛一样的精神状态 You'll have the mental state of a Texan bull.

我不知道 I don't know…

你怎么了？我不知道你喜欢那样 What's up with you? I don't know you like that.

好吧 我的意思是我不需要这些东西 但你坚持的话 Alright, I mean I don't need this stuff, but if you insist…

那好吧 Alright then.

吸气 并且屏住呼吸！ Breathe in and hold your breath!

你真是会打架 你经常打架吗？ You really know how to kick ass, do you do this a lot?

有时候你不得不揍别人 Well, sometimes you have to beat up people.

你已经是我见过的 最有直男味儿的同性恋 You've gotta be the straightest gay guy I have ever met.

再说一个字 你也会再吃一拳的 One more word and you will catch one too.

真有男人味 How masculine.

那我们接下来怎么过这个晚上 要不要去酒吧 Well, what do we do with the rest of the night, wanna go to the pub.

好啊 我一直想在流鼻血的时候跳舞 Sure, I always wanted to go dance with a nose-bleed.

首先 我们去你那儿 我得清理一下 First, we go to your place and I get cleaned up.

去我家？ To my place?

当然是去你家 你就住在街角啊 Of course to your place. You live right around the corner.

但我没有可以包扎你伤口的 But I have nothing to dress your wounds.

你有水和布条吧 快走吧！ You should have water and a rag. Let's go already!

布罗默·阿尔弗雷德 布罗默·伯恩哈德 布罗默·诺博特 Brommer Alfred, Brommer Bernhard. Brommer Norbert.

相同的号码 吕蒂彻大街 你真的不想让我一起去？ The same number. Lütticher Straße. You really don't want me to come?

我自己会处理的 I'll take care of this myself.

你不会刚好有左轮手枪吧？ You don't happen to have a revolver, do you?

你不觉得我们该去找医生嘛 Don't you think we should go to a doctor.

你可不能小瞧流鼻血了 You shouldn't underestimate nose-bleeds.

瞎扯 Bullshit.

你现在这么说 但要是你鼻梁断了 或是脑震荡了呢 You say that now, but maybe your nose is broken or you have a concussion.

有时候你跟我妈一样唠叨 Sometimes you sound like my mom.

-不是吧 -怎么了？ - Oh, no. - What?

-我把钥匙落在公寓了 -该死 - I lost the keys to the apartment. - Damn.

我有备用钥匙 I have a spare.

我忘记关灯了 Oh, I forgot to turn off the lights.

我去上厕所了 I'm going to the toilet.

毛巾在卫生间 Towels are in the bathroom.

等下 我要先喝口水 Later, first I need a drink.

你能让我过去吗 Can you please let me through.

你桌上有个全裸直男 咕哝着 There's a naked hetero on your table grunting.

你能解释下这是怎么回事吗？ Can you explain what he is doing here?

阿克塞尔？ Axel?

阿克塞尔！ Axel!

诺博特 他在这里干什么？ Norbert, what's he doing here?

你好 你知道这是什么吗？公牛力？ Hi, do you know this? Bull Power?

你把公寓借用给认识的直男 You rented your apartment to a known hetero,

这样他就可以不受干扰地 跟女人上床 so he can be undisturbed and screw some women.

别把这当什么大事 Don't make this a big deal.

好吧 但是女人在哪儿？ Fine, but where is this woman?

为什么他像猩猩一样蹲在那里 一言不发 Why is he crouching there like an orang-utan and doesn't say anything.

我也想知道为什么 I'd like to know that, too.

也许直男就是这样吧？ Perhaps that's normal for straight folk?

也许他们陷入了某种 死僵 Maybe they fall into some kind of 'rigor mortis'.

别开玩笑了 我真的很担心 Stop joking around, I am really worried.

-他会对铃声做出回应 -会是谁呢？ - He's responding to the bell. - Who is that?

嘿！ Hey!

再按一下铃 Ring the bell again.

我丈夫在这里吗？ Is my husband here?

阿克塞尔？ Axel?

阿克塞尔？ Axel?

你对他做了什么？ What did you do to him?

他 我也不知道 He… I… I don't know…

你对他做了什么？ What did you do to him?

没什么 我们什么都没对他做 这到底是怎么回事？ Nothing, we did nothing to him. What's going on here anyway?

我在理查德·伯顿和利兹·泰勒的电影中看到过这一幕 I saw this in a movie with Richard Burton and Liz Taylor.

现在又怎样？ What now?

我想是要生了 I think it's coming.

阿克塞尔 孩子 阿克塞尔！ Axel, the baby, Axel!

艾尔珂？ Elke?

艾尔珂？ Elke?

艾尔珂 Elke.

-多萝 -怎么了？ - Doro… - What?

我现在带你去医院 I will take you to the hospital now.

我丈夫会带我去医院的！ My husband will take me to the hospital!

你丈夫正坐在老式客厅的桌子上 Your husband is sitting on to of a vintage living room table,

以为自己是灵长类动物什么的 thinking he is a primate of some sort.

正因如此 你得一个人去生产 And because of that you are now coming along.

那个屠夫会帮上忙的 And the butcher will give us a hand.

屠夫！ Butcher!

屠 夫 Butch…er.

救命！ Help!

我的孩子 他们要抢走我的孩子 My baby, they want to take my child.

诺博特 你先带她去医院 Norbert you're going to the hospital and

等阿克塞尔正常了 我再带他过去 I'll take Axel there as soon as he's himself.

屠夫！ Butcher!

-你还好吗？-是的 - Are you ok? - Yes.

-你觉得我们能办到吗？-是的 - You think we'll make it? - Yes.

我向你保证 我和你一样不知道怎么回事 I assure you, I am just as clueless as you are.

我不知道他怎么了 I have no idea what happened to him.

瓦尔特劳会等他好点了就带到医院 Waltraut will bring him to the hospital when he's better…

他是同性恋吗？ Is he gay?

谁？ Who?

瓦尔特劳？ Waltraut?

阿克塞尔 Axel.

不是 他宇直的啦 No, he's pretty straight.

所以才会有这么大的麻烦 That's why there's such a big fuss.

我懂了 I see.

多萝 别让这事冲昏了你的头脑 Doro, don't let it get to your head.

他真的是个不错的男人 而且他只爱你 He's actually a pretty good guy. And he only loves you.

他一直这么跟我说的 He kept telling me that.

看来你是相信了吗？ I'm supposed to believe that?

我以我的名誉向你保证 I give you my word of honor.

我们快到了 We're almost there.

谢谢 你这么照顾我 Thank you, for taking care of me.

举手之劳 It's nothing,

-阑尾炎还是生孩子？-生孩子 - Appendix or child? - Child.

勒特克医生 你有时间接生吗？ Doctor Röttke, do you have time for a delivery?

现在不行！ Not now!

如果你不马上接生这个孩子 我可不能保证你的人身安全 If you do not immediately help deliver this child I cannot vouch for your safety.

戴上口罩！ Mask!

-这是什么？-为了无菌 - What is this? - Hygiene.

你不想参加接生过程吗？ Don't you want to take part?

那是我最不想做的事 That's the last thing I want to do.

签到表上写着你想进去 On the sign-in form it says you want to be there.

-走吧！-但是我不能 - Let's go! - But I am not…

相信我 年轻人 这对每个父亲来说都是一次大开眼界的经历 Believe me, it's an eye-opening experience for every father, young man.

产房 DELIVERY ROOM

你怎么在这里？ What are you doing here?

我也想问你呢 不过我们还是赶紧出发吧 I could ask you the same. But we better go now.

去哪儿？到底发生什么事了？ Go where? What's going on here anyway?

你的情人跟屠夫私奔了 而我们要去医院 Your girlfriend ran away with the Butcher and we are going to the hospital.

你老婆在那儿等你 Your wife is waiting there for you.

什么？ What?

-祝你好运 -谢谢 - Good luck. - Thanks.

这是你头胎吗？ Is this your first?

对年轻的婚姻来说 这是件大事 It's such an important event for a young marriage.

我记得就像昨天一样 我丈夫那么开心 I remember like it was yesterday, my husband was so happy.

真是美好的时光 Oh, it was just a wonderful time.

当我们有三个孩子后 我们甚至更爱对方了 When suddenly we were three in the family we loved each other even more.

-多萝 -滚开 - Doro… - Get out.

多萝 请听我说 我 Doro, please listen to me, I…

离开我的视野 我再也不想见到你了 Get lost, I don't want to see you anymore.

-多萝 -滚啊！ - Doro… - Go away!

-阿克塞尔 真是太恐怖了 -什么？ - It was just aweful, Axel. - What?

血 到处都是 Blood… everywhere.

你进产房了？ You were there?

孩子呢？孩子还好吧？ The baby? is the baby all right?

当然 孩子很好 Of course the baby is ok.

-确实是个男孩 -男孩？ - It's still a boy. - A boy?

我有儿子了 I have a son.

-多萝把我赶出来了 -很好 你活该 - Doro threw me out. - Good, you deserve it.

她可能要跟我离婚 然后就一走了之 She'll probably get a divorce and then she'll be gone.

带着我儿子 And my son too.

胡说 她会冷静下来的 Nonsense, she'll calm down.

你只需要给她几周时间考虑清楚 You just have to give her a few weeks time to think about everything.

-你这样想吗？-是的 - You think? - I do.

你不想至少看看他吗？ Don't you want to take a look at him at least?

什么？ What?

你觉得我在说什么？ What do you think I mean?

你能办到吗？ You can do that?

-需要帮助吗？-我想 - Yes please? - I would like…

他想见他的孩子 费尔德海姆·多萝西是母亲 He wants to see his child. Feldheim Dorothea is the mother.

-这个时候吗？-这很重要 - At this hour? - It is important.

等等 One moment.

诺博特 我得感谢你 Norbert, I should thank you.

确实是 I agree.

你为我做的一切 还有为多萝 For all that you have done for me, and for Doro…

有时间我去给你做晚饭吧 好吗？ I'll cook dinner for you some time, ok?

上帝保佑我 Oh, god help me.

要命 药效还在 Darn it, I am still on drugs.

就这样 够了吧 他需要休息 请明天再来 So… that's enough. He needs to rest. Please come back tomorrow.

-你吃早餐了吗？-很不错的早餐 - Did you eat breakfast? - Good one.

有什么开始营业的吗？ Is anything open already?

在火车站 At the train station.

好吧 Well…

-你听说最新的研究了吗？-什么？ - Did you hear of the latest research? - What?

-同性恋有可能是基因性的 -真的吗？ - Homosexuality is probably genetic. - Really?

全由你的基因所决定 All depends on your genes.

你想说什么？ What are you trying to say?

没什么 No… nothing.

你真的没亲戚是同性恋吗？ You do not have any gay relatives by any chance?

没有！ No!

等等 我叔叔 好像多萝也有两个亲戚是 Wait, my Uncle, and Doro has two I think.

-欧 哈！-欧 哈！什么意思 - Ou ha! - What Ou-ha!

我只是好奇 Well, I'm very curious…

♪ Die Männer sind schon die Liebe wert - Max Raabe