Original subtitles

You look exactly like your profile pic.

Thank you.

Even more, even prettier.

You actually don't look anything like your profile picture.

Oh, there's a funny story behind that.

I just got over shingles and they were like straight across my face.

So I grew a beard.

And I put that one up. And now it doesn't look like me because in that

had both shingles and a beard.

But I am shingle -free, clean as a whistle.

So, Ann Martin, what brings you in?

Oh, they did an STD assembly at the school where I work and it kind of

me out. So I just wanted to come in and make sure everything was okay.

Great. I have a couple of basic questions here.

Do you smoke?

No. Do you drink?

No. Drink alcohol?

A little Chardonnay occasionally, but not really, no.

Have you traveled out of the country in the last six months?

No.

Have you had intercourse with anyone from a foreign country?

No. Have you had anal intercourse? No.

I mean, I don't know.

I don't want to sound judgy.

It's not for everyone.

It could be for me, maybe under the right circumstances. I have to be very

relaxed. But I'm not like in an anal plate.

Okay.

No.

Maybe I just got it, sir.

Yeah.

A lot of onions.

Yeah, I like onions.

Make you cry.

Yeah, you know, actually, my eyes are bigger than my stomach.

I'm just suddenly not really hungry at all. And I realize it's a very

early morning tomorrow.

You can go if you want.

You can just box it up.

No. I know what it means.

Can you be honest with me?

What is it about me that is, like, that makes you not want to sit here?

Honestly? Yeah.

Like, everything.

Starting with your face, first. Just, like, the expression on it is really

You sort of look like you're smelling something that doesn't smell good, or,

like, you're, like, squinting even though you're wearing glasses. Like,

eyes don't work. You kind of look like...

a lesbian newscaster, because you're effeminate, but not in a good way. It's

almost insulting to women, the way you're effeminate, because you're not

androgynous. You're just soft and doughy.

You don't look like you have bones under your body at all. You're just sort of

like an old baby.

You just seem very uncomfortable.

A little bit, you're apologizing for your existence.

Complete answer.

When was the last time you engaged in intercourse?

Do you mean like full -on kind of inter?

I would say about coming up on a year. A little over a year. It's

like a shade over a year.

So you're abstinent? No. No, not abstinent. I'm just... It's not like a

spiritual... Kind of cleansing thing, which is abstinence. It's more just

oh, gosh, is it March already?

So.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Are you choking?

Oh my god!

Oh my god!

Oh my god!

Come on! Come on!

Let it out!

Let it out!

Handle the check. You want to split it?

I

don't

want to go.

You don't want to go, huh? No. You want to stay?

Oh, hey, you know what?

Jeffrey will walk you out.

Oh, yeah, I could walk you out. I just have a very specific window of time when

my commute is easier than... Okay, so

you're good and I'm good, so...

Americans are forever searching for love in forms that never take and places

that can never be. Oh, that's Kurt Vonnegut. Kurt Vonnegut.

Yeah, I was right there tipping my tongue. Oh.

So how was your date?

Oh, not great. I choked on a piece of soft food out of nerves.

How is the doctor?

Oh, apparently I'm clinically absent.

Clinically absent?

Yeah, it's a thing and I've got it. I've never heard anybody diagnosed with

that. Hi.

Um, speaking of, have you talked to Max about me?

Yeah, you went on one date with him three months ago. I would let it go, you

know? No, it's a great date. I mean, actually, I'm not counting, but it was

technically two and a half months ago. If you're using the term technically,

then you're counting.

Well, technically, it's not counting. I'm just guessing.

Please thank your mother for running the bake sale.

I have never known the parent of a faculty member to be so involved in

Oh, and my tits are licking like a motherfucker.

Principal Miller.

Language, Julia?

Sorry about that.

Last day of school.

And your shirt sleeves are a little short.

Yeah, I actually think so, too. I'm going to go put on a cardigan.

Now. You're a gorgeous woman.

Cardigan, now.

Don't run, but hurry.

It's the last day of school. Everyone's letting their hair down, you know.

Not on my watch.

Oh, okay.

I don't know what that means.

I just clam up whenever she comes around.

Yeah.

Well, maybe we'll have, you know, some luck at the end of your party tonight.

You mean like more luck than the year that you clogged up the toilet?

I said that was the year before.

Oh, then more luck than the year you walked through a screen door?

Okay, but in my defense, they should just put a ribbon across those things

because you can't always see them. You're right. They should fill every

door with a big ribbon on it.

I'm just putting it out there.

Maybe we'll have more luck this year because there'll be all that faculty

Ben Franklin High, so there'll be more people to meet.

Yeah, maybe they'll get a kick out of my foibles.

Maybe don't use the word foibles.

Oh.

Duly noted, sir.

That's not great either.

Oh, boy.

Maybe you should be paying a little more attention to your studies and less

attention to how much sex your peers are having.

How else am I going to know?

Get out of here.

Enjoy your last moments. You're being educated.

How old were you when you lost your virginity?

20.

No, you left.

I was like, did you go?

What?

I swear to God, you're such a dick face.

Okay. I know you don't have any work to do, but guys, it's still called study

hall. I have to go. I'll call you later.

Thank you.

Okay, everybody.

Have a great summer.

Don't forget to read.

Woo -hoo.

Mm -hmm.

Slut.

Hi, I got this from you.

Hi, guys. Be careful.

Hey,

guys. Cool. Cool to see you.

Nice cabinet.

Is this your house?

Oh, no. It's just cleaning up, making myself useful.

Do you want to help?

Sure. Cool.

Thanks so much.

That guy was hot. What was that all about?

He was really cute, and then he gave me his garbage.

Put that garbage down. Stop.

The beauty of coming to someone else's house or party is that you can just...

Make a mess. You don't have to clean up after anybody.

I do it. You're so put together. I mean, you've just got, like, Al, the baby.

I am not put together.

But I do have a little, I guess, I don't know. I don't know if it's a secret,

but it's something I do.

Please, tell me. I'm swinging in the wind here.

Are you familiar with kegeling?

Yeah, that's the squeezing of the vaginal wall.

Makes me feel confident, powerful.

but kind of out of use, you know what I'm saying?

It's like a glass of wine for the prives.

Ooh, I like that.

What are you doing with your face?

Relax your jaw.

Don't overthink it. Just do it. Just squeeze.

Now you look like a zombie.

You're not blinking whatsoever now.

That seems like it's easier. No.

Hey, honey.

I'm sorry.

Hey, Al.

I just spoke with the sitter, and apparently the baby's being very funny.

no. Yeah, sorry. I think we have to go.

All right, will you pull the car out? I'll be right out. I will indeed.

Are you okay with me going? Yeah, go get your damn baby.

I'm just kidding. I love her. She's so sweet. I love you.

Happy summer.

Happy summer. Enjoy.

Yeah, I will now.

And get out there. Yeah, I will. I'm just gonna... Hey, Carol.

What a terrific school year. Can I make you a snack plate?

I'm not eating.

I'm only drinking clear liquids now, so no.

Irritable. She's a real hothead.

She must be hungry all the time.

That's my problem, you know. I'm a nice guy.

I'm almost too nice.

I ask people if they want a snack plate.

I go to work every day. I pay my taxes.

And what's my reward?

Maybe it's not about your rewards. Maybe it's more about just, like, being

comfortable in your own skin.

Be yourself. Everybody else is already taken.

Oh, um... That's a lot. Yes.

God, you're so quick. You don't give me enough time. Because you're so slow.

You have a quick trigger finger.

Yeah, I do.

I gotta pee.

Get in the mix.

It's a nice shirt.

Thank you.

Or is it a blouse? How can you tell?

Where are you?

No. Nobody good here.

I heard that.

I have my own thing to take care of. What?

Ann?

You think your dad got lost looking for the table? I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.

There it is. Perfect. Put it right there. How many guests are we expecting?

One?

That's only the first of many.

Don't you think we're planning a little early for this birthday party? I mean,

you don't turn 65 for two months.

There's nothing wrong with planning early.

Besides, it allows people to mark their calendars and maybe even

bring a date.

Yeah. Are you planning on bringing a date?

I sure am not, Dad.

Okay, just asking.

What about that aunt?

Wow, she's super.

Please, it's weird to hear you breathe deep like that and talk about her. I

said she's super. I'm going to put her on the list.

Did you ever ask her out?

No, I have never asked her out because we're good friends. I don't want

to ruin that, and she does not see me like that, so she's into my neighbor.

Do you know any gay couples?

I mean, I know a couple. Couple gay couples? Why?

Well, we could add them to the list, and you could maybe bring a special person,

too.

I'm sorry.

Are you implying that I'm gay?

If you have trouble coming out, let us come in.

I don't want to go in.

Wait, I'm sorry. I'm still having trouble with the math of this.

Why, even if I was gay, Why would I invite a gay couple?

To feel more comfortable.

They're already a couple.

Balloons.

Or are they a little too young?

Why don't we get a bouncy castle?

Balloons it is.

And Jeffrey, you're in charge of the balloons. Okay, I'll get those balloons

two months. In a quarter of a year. Before two months.

It's going to sneak up on you all of a sudden. And then you're going to have a

flat balloon. You still have to get balloons. You can't get balloons.

You're right. You're right.

Just line them up. Know where you're going to get them.

Line them up and know where I'm going to get them. I'm not invading packets

there. Darren, he's going to take care of them, right, sweetheart? Yeah, I'll

take care of them.

Listen to me.

I'm just going to show up and bump into Max after book club like I did when we

met. And don't you think that's going to come off a little creepy?

No, I think it's romantic.

Okay, someone's got to say it.

If you was feeling the Anne train, don't you think you would have hopped aboard

by now? Well, maybe he's playing hard to get. I mean, I don't know.

I can't be the only person who feels this way.

Anne? Okay, more importantly, what am I wearing?

Hmm, something slimming, maybe black. Whatever you choose, just not the

cat sweater.

What?

First of all, it's summer.

And second of all, I don't even really have that sweater anymore.

Okay, everybody. I want to thank you guys for coming to Book Club.

We are in session. Dan, you picked a book for this week. Of Mice and Men.

Oh, come on, Dan.

He's doing this on purpose, guys. I love this book. Yeah, I know. You've read it

like a thousand times. Yeah, more than that.

It's great. He's just doing this to piss me off, guys. It's not true.

It is true, because my name's Lenny, and my entire life, whenever I tell someone

my name is Lenny, they ask me if I'm retarded. Come on, man. A lot of people

have the name Lenny. Now that you mention it, I'm actually picturing you

Lenny in the book, and it's making it a lot more accessible for me.

What's the connection to the book?

He's a retarded guy who killed her.

Don't spoil the whole book for him. He didn't read it yet.

My entire life I've had to deal with it. I just tell somebody, go, hi, I'm

Lenny. And they're like, oh, this guy's retarded.

Well, maybe it's the cadence with which you say it.

What, the cadence of how I'm saying it? Hi, I'm Lenny.

There's nothing good.

Yeah, why are you doing it like that?

Yeah, it sounds bad.

I mean, you're wearing socks with sandals.

Yeah, because I'm not retarded.

I wear sandals because my feet sweat.

And I wear the socks to catch that sweat.

So the sock helped the sandal, and the sandal helped the sock not retarded.

You feel like a jerk.

All right, guys, are we going to get into the book or not? Because, I mean, I

can always go downtown and have a drink.

On Sunday? Sunday night.

People go out on Sunday, guys.

Girls go out on Sundays.

Yeah, crazy people are out on Sundays. It would be nice to meet some girls,

though, I mean.

I know you guys haven't had dates in a long time. That's not true. Yeah, that's

not true. I have a girlfriend.

I don't have a girlfriend.

You just started that sentence by saying, I have a girlfriend. Yeah. Why

you do that?

I just wanted to hear what it would sound like coming out of my mouth.

Such an inappropriate time to experiment with that.

I'm just glad because it sounded like he had murdered a girl.

What happened to her? She was here. Now she's not with us anymore.

Okay, the term not with us anymore implies death.

It's almost like you admitted to murdering or killing a woman and then

not being sure about it. Okay, well then why aren't you dating her anymore?

Because I just, I buried her in the past, you know. Well, what does that

Did you murder a girl?

Or did you like bury her somewhere and you don't know if she's passed yet?

this is an inappropriate conversation.

I gotta tell you that if a police questioned me and said, did you notice

anything weird about Dan lately?

This would be the first conversation that I would bring up. I never had a

girlfriend. Thank God. I go on dates all the time. No, you don't. Come on,

Lenny. When was the last time you were out on a date?

What day is today?

Sunday. Guys,

I think we need to change what's going on with us. We're 30 -year -olds. Guys,

we have a book club.

I wear khaki every day.

I haven't been on a successful date in a long time.

We need to live cool.

You know, we need to, like, be on the edge of the... What does that mean?

It's like a bracelet. Live cool bracelet. Yeah, it's like a live cool

Live strong.

Guys, guys, guys, guys.

You don't have to change anything about yourselves to be cool, okay?

You just have to be cool.

Whoa. That was awesome. Yeah.

I'm going to write that down. Wow.

Thanks, man.

Sure.

All right, look guys, I'm going to get out of here.

I'm going to get a drink.

We'll do this next week though. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Yep.

But, uh, Jeff, you know what?

Why don't you take this?

Okay. Whoa.

You want me to have your summertime leather jacket?

Yeah.

Who knows?

Maybe it'll help you on your journey.

And again, it might also hurt, but isn't that everything in life?

That was cool, too. Write that down, too. How do you do that? Get that one on

there, too.

Oh, my God.

Oh, the book club. Oh, yeah, I forgot. I was just walking around. I was running.

I was at yoga.

Yeah. Max!

I saw... You're not... You're in the book club.

Oh, yeah. I skipped out a little early. Grabbed a drink and a sandwich. Oh, a

drink and a sandwich. Yeah.

It's so good to see you. I said sandwich.

Um, it's...

I like beer.

I don't know if I watched, but how long has it been?

What?

Well, we saw each other.

Oh.

God, I literally have no recollection of it.

Me neither. It was like three months ago, and I don't know.

Okay.

That guy.

I was looking at him. Oh, yeah.

I painted that.

You did?

Yeah, it's gouache.

It's gouache.

Start with a G. Gouache.

Gouache. Yeah, the kind of paint.

It's fickle.

Yeah. It's got this really wonderful texture. It's kind of like a woman.

You've got to sort of warm it up a little bit and sort of show that you're

to play before you spread it around a little bit.

It's dirty. It must be dirty.

Yeah, it gets a little messy. That's part of the fun, right?

Yeah, I like to get messy.

Hello?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What the hell are you doing here?

I thought I took back my key.

Yeah, you did.

But I made a copy first from the key copier.

That is so like you.

Get out.

No. What do you want?

What do you think?

I want my apology.

For what?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Look, look, look. I know that I can be a dick sometimes, all right? I don't mean

it. Was that his apology?

Did it sound like one?

What was that?

Give me that key.

Come and get him.

You know I'll go down there. What are you going to do when you're there? What

are you going to do when you're down there? I'm going to sniff around because

you're a little dog. Slow down.

You're gonna sniff around.

You're a fucking bug.

Yeah, you remember?

Oh, yeah. You remember, Amber?

I remember you. You remember, Amber?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, God, you smell so fucking good.

It's my shit.

That's shit.

And you don't get to look me in the eye. I won't look. I won't look. Okay, I got

all my books, so... Hi, I'm Anne.

Anne?

You don't deserve it! I don't deserve it! You don't deserve it! I don't

it! Well, now you remember, right? Bad boy. Bad boy.

Please.

Jeff,

what do you see when you look at me?

Like right now?

Yeah, like this.

I think you look like...

You work at a cell phone kiosk in the mall.

I dress like this to seduce Mac.

Okay. This was your seductive look?

I was going for, like, sexy librarian or, like, Euro kind of, you know? Like,

what is this?

You kind of look like my mom's financial advisor. Yeah.

I feel like I'm tired of being such a dork. Yes.

Yeah, I want to be one of those guys that, like, starts dating a girl and

the girl's parents get all freaked out because they think the guy's going to

steal her TV and sell it for drug money.

I want to be, like, you know, one of those girls whose parents don't want her

come home for Christmas. I want to be a guy that no matter where they are,

there's a possibility that he could have sex in a bathroom. I want to be sex in

a bathroom, people. That's so cool. I want to get arrested.

For having sex in a bathroom. I want to be on cop.

How do we do this?

How is this done? I don't know. How is this done?

I don't know. Play to our strengths.

Play to our strengths.

Okay, well, my biggest strength is helping kids apply to colleges.

And I'm really good at research.

So... We need help.

Al gets into such a cool party. I know, right?

Oh, you've got to meet this guy.

It was the new Julia, right? Al's wife.

Yeah. Yeah. And you should meet my friend Dan.

Ah, shantay.

Hi, man.

Big fan.

Sorry, I should tone it down. I'm fanning out on you. I was actually

maybe to get an album. Are you selling merchandise?

Hi. How you doing? Come with me, buddy. Hi, Al.

Ladies.

I really came on strong. A little bit. It's okay. It's okay.

Ooh.

Before I forget to say this, you look beautiful tonight.

Whatever, bitch.

Um, what was that?

I don't know. I'm just, I'm trying this new thing.

And, um, you guys might be crazy. You know, I want to go wild.

What were you doing talking to that man?

Yeah. Oh.

The guy in the hat?

Oh, that was your boyfriend?

Oh. We're having a little disagreement about that right now. Oh, no, no, no. I

was, I was, I was just saying hi. His music is wonderful.

Oh, okay.

You know how it is, you know. When you love a man so much, you know, that you

end up in jail for your love.

You know what I mean? Then you get out and you see some girl, like, talking to

him. And you want to, like, stab her.

But you can't. Sounds complicated.

Anyway, have a lovely night. We're just discussing some stuff about my friend

here. You want to go crazy, I heard, though. I do.

Look at me.

I'm dressed like a band leader.

I feel like I need a little...

something yeah yeah all that needs yeah you need to make it more let me tell you

something girl if you want to keep your man you've got to follow some very

simple instructions all right follow them to a t number one if he doesn't

up his phone when you're calling him you just keep calling and if he doesn't

answer what do you do stop calling you hunt him down yeah okay yeah like he's a

wild animal Oh, tell me about the bunny. The bunny python.

Oh, girl, you're going to love this. You really, you're going to love this. Let

me tell you something. First of all, you need to appear unpredictable.

That's right. All right? First, one day, you are cute and vulnerable.

Just like a bunny. Like a cute little bunny. Yes.

And then next, you are irrational and fatty.

All right?

Crazy. Men love crazy pussy.

They love it. They love it. Oh, my God.

I want to try.

If I keep him on his toes, that's how it keeps him real and fresh.

I like it.

That's what you got to do. And then he'll just keep coming back for more

he wants to fuck that bunny out. You know what, Tyree? The restrained order

not say that you have to be rough.

100 feet is 100 feet. It's technical.

It's technical, girl.

Well,

that was awesome. That was awesome.

Who are you?

A man, bitch.

Really? Sorry. I'm sorry.

It still doesn't work. I hate calling other women bitches. Yeah, it's not

It's offensive and aggressive. It's anti -feminist.

It's gender -specific violence.

Ew. And it's not for me. So let's cut bitch out, maybe.

All right, cock choker.

I could not imagine not waking up next to that beautiful man every day.

And I know that if we were to spend our lives together, it would mean that I

could become a customer at the Applebee's instead of just a hostess.

And Elena barges in.

June better keep her hands off my man.

That's kind of why I came on the show, is I wanted to, like, show kids that,

like, a bunch of women can fight over you, even if you can't read.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Hey, oh, sorry.

Did you sleep in your leather jacket?

Huh? Did you sleep in your leather jacket?

Max gave it to me. I just want it to seem like the first time I wear it is

the first time I wear it, you know? Oh, well.

Anyway, okay, so I've had a lot of coffee, but I've come up with a plan for

You have to read these books.

Ooh, Tommyland.

Yeah, I took a peek. It's a little... Seventh chapter, a .k .a., you know

Fuck it.

Tommy. I know, he's great, right? A real way with the word.

And we need a new look, so...

We're going to go shopping?

I hate going shopping.

We're going to the shops. We're going to get cool new looks and be cool new

guys.

Fine. Can I get a cinnamon bun? You can get a cinnamon bun. All right. Give me

five minutes. Okay.

I'm thinking maybe we could stop for coffee.

You don't need any more coffee.

I'm starting to crash.

Can we get a cinnamon bun before we go shopping?

I don't know. I feel like that might ruin our lunch.

Should we wait?

I didn't eat anything yet. Oh, my gosh. Who doesn't eat breakfast?

Well, I got excited about the cinnamon bun.

Here you go.

I don't know how you go out of the house without

eating breakfast. Oh, man.

What is that?

Come on.

Okay, well, we'll just get another.

No, no, no, no, no.

That lady took our spot, and this is part of our problem. We're too passive.

Well, you know what I mean?

I don't feel like... Hey, you took our spot!

Yeah, I'm talking to you, you dumb fuck!

Lower your window and start yelling at her.

You're just a stupid... Everything about you is shitty!

You picked the wrong white people to fuck with, you dumb fuck!

Alright, I'm gonna go to the glasses store.

Pretty good, right?

It's amazing.

You know, when I was 14, I used to come here all the time. I would hang out with

my friends, try to scope chicks out.

You know how many girls I picked up?

A bunch?

Negative one. Oh, God. Because one ran away out of fear.

I didn't have very much luck either. I got asked out for the first time my

semester of college.

And I got so nervous that even though I got all dressed up, I just sat in my

dorm room all night and worried.

Oh, my God.

It was so embarrassing because...

I had class with the guy and I had to stop going.

Well, that ends today.

That was then, this is now.

Whoa.

That was then, this is now. Yeah, I got one.

You were kind of slow.

I'm really glad that we're doing this together because I feel like you're not

going to judge me.

No. Are you kidding? How could you judge someone that's even dorkier than you

are? Oh, God, am I worse than you? No, no. I am a king dork.

Yes, you are.

Question.

Can we return these clothes? I feel like such.

You have no idea the amount of ball and taint sweat that I have right now.

Wait, which is a taint? A taint is between your ball and your b -hole.

Okay, so I don't have one.

No, you have a vaint.

Hey, Dad.

Jeffrey.

What do you got in your hair?

A pomade.

So look.

I'm trying something new.

I'm just like... Girls don't like guys from upper middle class Pennsylvania who

are guidance counselors who have never broken a bone.

What are they like? Guys who look like they got dressed in the dark?

They want like...

Bad boys who, like, know how to fix cars and, like, have been in fights.

There's nothing in my past that's, like, dark or dangerous or foreboding,

nothing? You ever hit me?

No. Are you really my dad?

Yeah, unless you know something that I don't. There was never an uncle that

like, too handsy?

Like a weird... Yeah.

pedophile uncle no your uncles are boring nice nice men but what

do you need to be messed up i don't know dad i don't know you ever try

like any romance with a girl like you you kind of notice things about her that

uh you know things that she she really likes and then you uh you show her that

those things are what makes her special to you that's kind of

Romance. Works.

I'll give it a shot.

Nice shot.

Excuse me.

Sorry, I know you're playing a game.

It's not great design to have a horizontal game in a vertical bar.

This place is neat, though. Yeah, yeah. Let's get some drinks, huh? Yeah, um,

what do we drink? Something hard?

Yeah, let's not do white wine or beer.

Yeah, um... What pairs well with a salmon bun? That's all I had today.

Whiskey? Yeah, two whiskeys. No, I don't like the way whiskey tastes.

Could you get me one of those things that has a bunch of alcohol in it?

Yeah, like a hard tea. Yeah, like a cider.

No problem.

Cool, thank you.

I'm sorry, just to be clear. Do you have a specific kind of flavor that you

want? Just make a decision.

I'm sorry. What the fuck?

Oh my god.

That was my fault. I am so sorry.

I'm sorry.

He pushed me, and I hit your friend, and your friend threw the dart, and I

landed on your leg, and that's not good.

But, but... But I think that you will see if we could just talk it out and let

us buy you a round of drinks. Yeah, let's reset. Let's press the pause

Let's press pause.

Okay, I'm Anne.

Hi. I'm Jeff.

How are you? Is this your man here? Oh, he's not. He's a co -worker and a very

close friend.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I can explain.

Hold on. Whoa.

Look, I don't know. I know that that was not good, but I've never been in a

fight before, and I don't mean to physically alter it.

Then I'm sorry.

It's me. Oh!

Oh!

I have been waiting to do that all night long.

Yeah.

I snuck the guy out at the bar.

That was kind of cool.

That was kind of cool.

We should go. Yeah.

What's up?

There's more for either one of you if you want more of the bee stings. No.

There's nothing more. Let's get out of here. Wow, that was awesome.

Hey, are you okay?

That guy's such a douche.

Let me know if you need a little TLC.

Oh, my God, they're so pretty.

My God, I think I'm just going to start punching people out.

Just do it like an aphrodisiac. I guess so.

Jesus. What'd you do?

I had a new look.

Why did you do this to your beautiful hair?

Well, Jeff said I was inhibited and took me off, so... You did it for Jeff.

That is so cliche.

What? Oh, the two single people in the room automatically belong together.

No, I'm just saying he's cute, you're adorable, and you both are cool. Listen,

just want you to be happy.

I am happy. I'm very happy. I just don't see Jeff that way.

Look, I... I think you called me over to brush your hair out.

Yes. Yeah, okay.

You can handle this yourself.

I am feeling so much electricity in both nips. I got to go and relieve this. Oh,

that sounds bad.

It is bad. I could charge a car.

If you're hungry, though, I could just order a quick pie.

Please don't take offense to this, okay? I just don't know how often I've got to

say something.

I feel like sometimes your needs are like a little comparable to my baby's

needs.

How could I have ever taken that the wrong way?

That's great. I get it. No, I know. I just don't have that many friends, so I

always tend to call you.

Sorry. That makes me really sad. No, I didn't mean to make you sad.

You're my best friend, so I will always call you. But I'll back off so babies

can eat.

I love you.

Okay? Okay. I'm going to go take a hot shower, put plenty of conditioner in

there, and just comb it out. Okay.

Got a big box of mac and cheese.

Please don't finish that.

Good day, I won't.

Bye. Come on, I'll make you some Greek yogurt.

Diana, you've been set free.

I hated to see Diana go, but now I can focus on the remaining two.

The girls wonder why I keep Elena around.

But I know she's here for me.

I'm sweet as cherry pie.

Just don't cross me.

I'm sweet as cherry pie.

Just don't cross me.

Hi, my name is Anne.

I'm working on a new accent. I think it's going to give me my edge.

What do you think?

Yeah, no, it's certainly intriguing.

I've been trying, but I can't seem to not sound like...

A plantation owner? Like a racist plantation owner, and that's not what I

to put out there.

Okay, I'll keep working on it. Yeah.

Cool. If you want to see something cool. I do.

You want to see something cool? Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Is that a tattoo?

Yeah. What is that? It's a book?

Yeah. Yeah, I got it in honor of book club.

Would the new you be a part of a book club?

That's a good... I didn't think about that. But you know what? When I go back

for my second round, then I'll tell them maybe we'll switch the design.

See, right now, a lot of people think that when you get a tattoo, you go into

the parlor, and then you just walk out with a tattoo, but... That's what I

thought. No, actually, it's a lot of steps.

I mean, first you go into the stencil stage, and then you go into the next

stage, which is the stage that I'm in, which is the are you comfortable with

this image on your skin forever phase.

I want to come.

I'm going to pause you right there and see where you're going with this.

Are you and me, I'm afraid of needle face? Oh, my God, it was so scary.

I can't do that. The needle is attached to a motor, and it goes like... You're

not going to put your skin under that? No way. No, I don't like it.

We'll just leave it simple for a while.

You have a drawing on your arm.

There you go. I'm proud of you.

Thank you.

Oh, my God, look at this chick.

That is awesome. Good for her.

I'm gonna get up on the bar. What?

I'm gonna get up on the bar.

You can barely get up the bar stool.

I know, but I'm gonna try.

Hold on one second.

I'm putting this on the internet.

You're crazy.

Hey, you. I was hoping I'd find you here.

Me?

Yeah, you.

I was sad that you never called me.

Well, I couldn't call you. You wrote your number on something extremely

I thought it was garbage.

It would be garbage.

All right.

There she is.

Look at you.

Coyote ugly.

It's cool, right?

You should take my number.

I'm going to make a phone call, too.

Okay.

Julia, hi.

Oh, my God, can we come down to Flygo right now?

I just danced on the bar.

I took my bra off. I think my nipple came out.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize it's that way.

Oh, did I wake the baby?

I woke Al?

Sorry. Okay, well, I think I'll go. Maybe I'm going to go sex Mac. I don't

I can't.

Yeah. I'll talk to you later.

Bye.

Bye.

Hey.

I liked your moves. I did.

Oh, yeah?

We got, like, the window into his goal.

Um... That's deep. That's exactly what it is.

Yeah. I love it. Well, I'm part Native American.

You are? Yeah.

Oh, I see it in your eyes.

You want a beer?

I'd love a beer. You got anything stronger?

Very strong.

Okay. Very.

Cheers. Cheers.

So,

a southern girl.

Oh, yes. Well, I am. I mean, I'm definitely diving the wool southern

will be the first to admit that, you know, there is a bit of a checkered

for the South. You know, I mean, human rights conditions and historical denying

and, you know, some sort of...

Animal cruelty and whatnot.

But, you know, it's the South.

The South is always nice.

There's a bunch of books out that you can read about the South.

If you want me to give you a Southern history lesson, I'll definitely see if I

can fit you in. You can give me a one -on -one, right?

Oh!

Well, that's the third base where I come from.

Well, then why don't we slide into home?

Oh, my.

I don't know.

You all right in there?

You're a little crazy.

It's hot.

Well, I'm sweet as cherry pie.

Just don't fucking cross me.

Hey,

I ain't looking for love.

Hey,

I don't want to be right today.

Hey,

I'm tired of being done.

Oh wow.

Nice. Yeah.

Is he included?

My friend Tommy's a bar back here, so I get discounts on drinks if you want to

do a shot or something like that.

It's pretty cool. I need to work on where it happens.

Do you have any tasks? Don't answer.

I plan on talking about myself.

Bye. Text me.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

You look good.

Well, you know, bandana, necklaces.

I like it.

Do you like it? Yeah, me like it.

Well, you look good.

I know.

You know?

Mm -hmm.

Where have you been? I feel like I haven't seen you. I know. It's been kind

like a minute.

So what's going on with you?

None of your business.

Why so many questions?

I don't know.

What am I under arrest?

Why are you chewing on all this weird shit?

Because I'm hungry.

What's weird about a straw?

Nothing. It's the second thing you've been chewing on.

Come on, take a picture. Oh, all right.

Whoops.

Whoops.

Okay, light's about to go. Okay.

I feel like we're wasted.

Oh.

Do you want to get out of here?

Yeah.

Let's go.

Let's go.

You want to duck on me? Okay.

Hey,

you are bossy.

I'm going to go to the bathroom. Okay, I'm going to hang out here.

Ann Martin.

Hi, Beth Foster.

My son Brian is a freshman at Thomas Jefferson.

Yeah, Brian. Yeah.

You know Brian? He's a cute little guy. He's like into bass and rock.

Yeah.

Bass and rock. Yeah, he's a sweetie. Yeah, he's so sweet.

Hey, I wondered, are you here with Jeff Lowry? Oh, yeah. I mean, no.

I mean, oh, you know Jeff. We met at the gym like several weeks back. And,

well, we've been like hanging out kind of here and there in the afternoon.

I just don't want to step on any toes. Oh, so you guys are seeing each other?

It's too early to tell. I mean, I'm working on dinner.

Hi.

Hello. Hi, Beth.

Hi. Hey.

Hey. Good to see you. So good to see you, yeah.

I see you met my good friend, Ann.

I did.

Yeah, Jeff and I are really good friends.

Incredibly close.

I'd like to think we are.

Mm -hmm.

That's awesome.

Beth, you have a high school -aged child.

It was going on and on and on about your afternoons together.

She was saying that you guys spend a lot of time together, and she'd love it if

you took her out to dinner.

I think she was kind of hoping for that, right, Beth? Oh, were you? I mean,

whatever.

No, we're both casual.

Yeah, that's funny. I just got a casual text myself while you were in the

bathroom.

Oh, number one, obviously. Number two, to be back that quickly would be...

Obviously, I was just... You were very quick. He has IVF, so I know it's coming

out quickly.

I have IVF.

Well, while you were peeing or shitting or whatever, I got a text from Max who

wanted to know if I would go to the lounge with him.

Oh, I love the lounge.

So I was thinking maybe I would go.

What do you think?

I think you should do whatever you want to do.

That's what I'll do.

Well, Beth, it was really great talking to you. So great to see you. Good luck

with your son.

Bye. Bye.

She doesn't like me? No, she likes you fine.

She likes you fine.

She doesn't like my son, I don't think. No, no, no. She likes your son. She

likes your son.

Oh, so how have you been? What's going on? Oh, I've been great, actually. I'm

kind of having fun.

I'm having a lot of sex, actually. Sex is when penis goes in the vagina, right?

Yes, it is.

You'll get there. You'll get back there.

You're going to go through dry periods, too. It's not a big deal.

Yes. Not me. I feel like I went through my dry period and I'm going through my

wet period. I guess I kind of have a slutty side.

But you're wearing protection, right?

Of course I'm wearing protection.

I don't... It's not that I think you're having, like, sex with homeless guys or

anything. And if you were, more power to you. I just mean, you know, you've got

to be careful because sometimes beautiful packages are filled with AIDS.

don't know.

I'm not sleeping with anyone with it. I wear... Yes, I'm fine. I'm good. I'm not

an idiot. No, good, good.

It sounds a little judgy, but, you know... I'm sorry. I care about you. I'm

using protection.

If you're, like, banging the whole neighborhood, you should protect

you know?

Well, if I manage to bang the whole neighborhood, I will end protection.

So you're upsetting your daughter.

So you guys, wow.

Look at her. She's so big.

She is getting big. She's eating all the time. It's crazy that we have to baby

-proof the house right now, and it's just, like, nonstop. It doesn't stop.

It doesn't stop. And Al loves modern furniture, so we have all these, like,

angled tables and chairs.

Anyway, we have to protect it. We have to pat everything for the baby.

It's been a tornado.

Yeah. Must be hard.

I feel like the only thing is that every stinking, everybody is always kind of

like, oh man, it's so hard. We've got to baby poop our pool.

This is so rough.

We never sleep.

And honestly, if it was so fucking hard, why is everybody having babies for

thousands of years?

Please don't swear in front of the baby.

She's not going to absorb the word fuck.

Oh my God. See, this is...

This is why. I really thought it was going to be the two of us today. I

realize it was a family outing with, like, Mr.

Sex and Balances over here.

Honestly, it seems to me like because you're not having any fun, nobody else

have any fun.

I want you to have fun. And by the way, I'm having tons of fun. I'm having so

much fun. I love my baby, and I love Al.

Okay? I just have a lot going on, and it's super stressful, and sometimes I

don't know which hat to wear when I'm with who.

That sucks.

I feel kind of like...

I don't want to be here right now. I'm sorry. I just... I gotta go.

Where are you going?

I gotta go.

What could you possibly be doing right now?

I have a date.

You have a date in the morning?

Yeah, I have a date. I have a morning date.

She doesn't have a date. She doesn't have a date.

I have a date.

That's what happens when you mess with a bull.

You're very good at darts. Yeah, I got better.

Do you maybe want to get going?

I mean, I have to go, so I just, do you want to come?

You know, I think I'm going to stay.

Okay, yeah.

I'm just going to chill.

Okay.

Awesome to see you.

Good to see you.

Okay.

Cool.

Bye. Bye. Hey, wait. Come here.

Oh.

Okay. All right.

See you. I'll call you.

Okay.

Next week on the dramatic conclusion of Prisoner of Love. I didn't expect to

fall in love.

But I'm grateful that I did.

As Johnny's prison term comes to a close, the shocking verdict you've been

waiting for all summer.

I want to think full. Put you in time with me.

Unfortunately, I've got to let one of you go. Two women could hold the key to

Johnny's heart, but only one will serve a light sentence.

I don't know what I'll do if Johnny doesn't pick me.

I'm unstable, y 'all.

What's up with you?

Don't worry, I'm not going to make too much noise. I won't wake up Beth or

anything.

Well, okay then.

What's going on?

Why are you so interested in what's going on in here? Aren't you dating Max?

I'm not here to talk about Max.

I'm here to talk to you.

In the last week, I just, like, I can't stop thinking about you.

It's making me feel crazy.

I mean, I used to think about you, too.

You never noticed. I didn't notice. Why didn't you say anything?

Because I don't know.

It seemed like you didn't have the same...

Look, Ann, I've come to a

good place in my life, finally.

I've moved on. I think you should, too.

Just move on. Just walk away.

There's just nothing to talk about.

It's out of three.

What is that? It's a quote.

It's Elizabethan.

I'm not even going to tell you. I'm going to give you time.

Is that how we found it when we used to play that game?

Because it's pathetic.

Fuck you.

We're guessing quotes from books. It's like... Fuck you.

That's a quote from me.

I got the machine again.

It's not a machine.

What? It's in the phone.

Hi, Jeff. It's your mom.

I got your message that you're not coming today. I'm sorry to hear that.

But at least we'll see you for my birthday.

I love you.

It's your mom.

That's good.

Yeah? Yeah, not too much pressure.

Hi.

Yeah, look.

Flynn's bitch got a litter now.

It's not his girlfriend. They were talking about the dog.

I thought...

She was just messy.

Is he not coming?

He didn't even call to cancel.

My therapist has a 24 -hour cancellation policy, and she's strict about it. So

if you cancel, how much do you have to pay? She charges me like $300, and she

calls my parents.

Why? Well, I asked her to.

Guys, what do you say we just pack it in? Yeah.

Yeah. Let's just pack it into your place. Yeah, let's go to your place.

Yeah, there's kind of a big difference between joining a book club and hosting

one.

This is all we have, man.

This is it.

I mean, this book club is what we have.

I'm looking right at you, and I can tell that's true. Yeah. You guys are taking

that really hard.

I know. It's just like, what happened to Jeff, you know? Who likes what he's

become now? I don't. I don't.

Guys, I think we should be happy for our friend, all right? I mean, he wanted to

make a change. He did that, and now he's out there doing what he wants. Did he

make a change? He likes Ann now. Yeah, it's not. Is that really a change, or is

that just more like, oh, I've decided to like this girl?

Wait.

What do you mean he likes Anne?

I think he's got feelings for Anne now. That's why he's acting so crazy. I don't

know. My brother's girlfriend's dad.

Rick. Rick. Rickoleth. Dude, his birth given name is not Richard. It's

Rickoleth.

Asshole of a man. Found this on the ground. Told me to give it back to him.

Total shithead, by the way. He really is a piece of human garbage.

Jeff.

Whoa, is that what you do in a photo booth?

That's what they did. That's four versions of what they did. Yeah. You

whatever you want.

No, it makes sense, though. You know, she's a plain Jane, and, you know, he's

shell of a boring human being, so I guess it works out.

I don't think she's a plain Jane at all. Anne?

Anne's a string bean, man.

Come on, man. She's pretty plain.

You don't think Anne is sexy, though? You know, I like a little excitement in

woman, you know?

Like what? I don't know, Brett.

I like a nice, big, fat lady. Yeah, me too. I like... All right, well, fellas,

think I'm going to split, so...

Good seeing you. All right. It was good seeing you, too. See you later. If you

need us, just, you know, you have our phone numbers, right? So you guys are

going to chill out here in the hall? Yeah, we'll probably chill out here.

Okay. It's good seeing you guys. Good seeing you, too, bro. Always a pleasure.

See ya.

Mice and men.

Mice and men.

Mice and men.

Of mice and men. Of mice and men.

Of mice and men. Of mice and men.

Almost doesn't make sense.

That guy was, like, a good writer.

Get it on there all the way.

What, you don't think it... Even now? You don't think I put it under there

enough? I don't know. I think you half -assed it. All right, Mom.

Yeah, yeah.

That's right.

Yeah.

Can't play a player.

Can't play a player.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Oh, hey, man.

Well,

I mean, this is my spot.

Right, right. This is your spot. It's hard to keep track of spots because I

spots all over town.

Look, dude, I didn't know you had a thing for Ann.

What? Ann?

That's crazy, man.

Sorry.

Where we told you that?

Way wrong.

Well, I didn't know you smoked.

I don't smoke.

I vape. You want to hit it?

No, no. Come on, take a pull. No, I'm good. Let's see what the future's all

about. I'm all right, buddy. It's just vapors. I'm good, thanks. You sure?

Did you come with Ann?

Uh, yeah, yeah. She's just, um...

White

people are weird. Damn weird.

What's wrong with the glass? That's a nasty white girl. What's wrong with the

glass? Nice!

Hey, Anne's here.

Yeah. Oh, hi, I'm Beth. Hi, Beth, I'm Max. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Hi, guys.

It's because of her.

Here she is.

Unfortunately,

I think we're going to go get something to eat. Oh, yeah, let's get something to

eat. I'm really hungry. She's hungry, so we're going to get it. Oh, what a great

idea, Beth. We'd love to join you.

I'm not so sure that they were. Oh, are you excluding us? No, you can come.

What?

You can come. Oh, good. I didn't want to feel excluded. That would feel bad.

Yeah, you don't want to feel excluded.

No, I don't.

Okay, so we'll all go to dinner.

Oh, good. That's nice. I want to go.

Yeah? Okay. All right. Okay. Just the way everyone likes to be invited. Yay!

You can come. Oh, super.

All right.

Sure. Thanks.

Some wine? I'd love some, Matt. Thank you.

Say when.

Thank you. Big girl pour, huh? Big girl pour.

Buddy. Yeah, just a normal amount.

Don't be so judgmental.

Cheers. Yay. Thank you.

Cheers.

Cheers. Cheers.

Oh, this is so delish. You should teach a class in wine tasting. Yeah?

Or just knowing about wine.

What do you call it?

Wine to the max. Yeah, I like that.

Why don't you write that down?

Oh, Mac.

I like red wine, too.

That's interesting, Beth.

Okay. Is the wine going to aggravate your IBS?

Wine doesn't affect IBS.

I didn't know you had IBS.

Yep. We both do. They both have IBS. They take probiotics.

I've heard that that doesn't work. For real? No.

I bet it works.

Yeah.

I bet it works. And I feel like maybe we got off on the wrong foot. Beth, I'm

sorry. You're going to have to speak up. I feel like when we met, maybe we got

off on the wrong foot.

Cool. You look really nice. I'm not used to seeing you with this much makeup.

Cool. I'm so excited you approve of my look.

Yeah, you really went to town.

I went to town.

Here's the stepping out. Here's the going to town.

It's a clown town.

My son Brian is... Oh, God.

That's another story. That would be great.

He's playing the clarinet.

Oh. And... I draw.

You do? Yeah, yeah. Sketches and stuff mostly.

Yeah. Charcoal, pastel stuff.

You can draw me if you want.

I would love to draw you. I would love to be drawn by you. Hope you have enough

pastels.

Oh, original.

From the face.

Original.

Brian's been playing klezmer music. Oh, God.

Brian.

I'm sorry about this. It's okay. Are you sure? Yeah, I'm glad I'm here with you.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm having a blast. I'm so glad we did this. When are we doing it again?

Maybe we should get some food. Well, let's get some food. Yeah. That's a good

idea. Get food. Yeah.

I invite you in, but I don't want it.

That's okay, because I've kind of become afraid of you.

But you think I don't know, and you didn't give me dignity or closure.

And it's... I wouldn't have said that a

month ago.

Hey, Jeff, it's Ann.

I'm just calling to talk to you. So give me a call back.

You know my number.

Hey, Jeff, it's Ann.

I'm just calling to talk to you. I feel like we never got

that side of eggplant that we ordered. And I was like, did we pay for that?

Hey, Jeff, I bet you it's Beth right now. I just want to say that's cool by

Because guess who I'm with?

I'm with Brian. I have Brian with me.

And I know that he's allergic to peanuts.

So I'm just feeding him a bunch of peanuts.

Jeff!

And Jeffo!

Would you call me back, you stupid weirdo? Are you even getting these? Is

still your fucking phone number? Jeff.

What's up?

Jeff, I'm talking to my dog voice.

Oh, hello?

I'm sorry, I thought I was actually, I meant to call my friend Jeff.

He's been kind of dogging me.

Give me a little phone call.

Call me up on the phone.

Is this something I'm going to have to expect now?

Yes. Why are you such a fucking dick?

What?

Why are you such a fucking dick?

You're the one that's woken me up two times this week in the middle of the

night.

What is this fucking place?

It's my apartment.

Why do you look like you live in a fucking pottery barn commercial?

Well, I ordered some stuff for the transition.

It looks like a fucking catalog.

I'm trying to improve my life like we talked about. What is your problem?

I just feel like I don't even...

No, you. We agreed to do this together, okay? And I feel like... What was

tonight?

What the fuck are you talking about? Why were you so weird at dinner?

I wasn't... Why was I weird?

Yeah. Why was I weird? You were the weird one.

It's like we weren't even ever friends. I feel like you're just shutting me out.

I mean, if you want to go out with Beth, I don't fucking care. I don't want to

go out with Beth. I'm just... Why are you here?

Everything okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

I drank every bottle of wine in Pennsylvania.

I ate all the meatballs.

Is there water on your side of the bed?

There's water in the kitchen.

Don't look at me like that.

Don't look at me.

Are we okay? We're cool?

Yeah. What? Yeah.

Yeah.

No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's okay.

Yeah, we're okay. What are you talking? Yeah. I just, I don't know. I never, I'm

nice.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, yeah. Oops. I hit one of them.

We are good. We're so good.

I, um.

Yeah, it's like, um, what is that?

Law?

Murphy's Law. It's like, no, it's, well, I hope it was better.

Um, like, uh, what is that thing?

Roe v. Wade?

Yeah, no.

Oh, God, I hope it doesn't end up, um, there. No, we use, yeah,

we use protection.

And, no, I was just saying that it's good to have a one -night stand with a

friend, because it's not, then it's not, you know, it's kind of like.

You know? You know?

Uh... Cool.

Cool.

So maybe, maybe I should... Yeah.

Yeah, I have a... I have a ton of...

Yeah. Can you help me? Hmm? Can you help me

with my bra?

I don't... Oh. I want to be... Yeah. Chased. I... Yeah.

Sorry. I'm going to go as soon as... No, no, no. Whatever gets you out the door.

I'll leave.

No, no, no. Get out.

Do you want all four classes? No, just one is fine because I'm not very big

-breasted. Okay, there you go.

Cool. Thank you. That was fun.

That was weird.

That was weird, right?

I'm sorry.

I will never do...

I won't.

Um... Okay.

Goodbye.

Yeah.

It's so hard to take a good selfie these days.

I mean, it's more than just the angle, you know? You gotta think about

And I've been thinking about getting some work done.

I've noticed in my profile picture that my chin looks a little bit weak.

And I think that getting surgery on my jawline would really improve my profile.

Yeah. So my friend knows this doctor around here, and she's used him for a

couple procedures, and she looks amazing.

So I'm thinking about using him.

Well, be yourself. Everyone else is taken, right?

Yeah, but I just want to be a better version. So in Instagram, I'll have,

a lot of likes.

This message is for Jeffrey Lowry. This is Stacy from Four Star Furniture

Rental. We've tried to reach you several times regarding your delinquent

payments on your living room and bedroom set rentals. If the payment is not

received, we'll be forced to repossess these items. Please return.

With dreaded, unfolded reflection Stares back from the mirror

and stands I need a little

Ms. Martin.

Principal Miller.

I understand you had a very interesting summer.

What, did you get a makeover at the meth mall?

We're shaping young minds here.

Yeah, speaking of... How's Enrique?

How's his wife?

Show of hands.

Who here has been watching Prisoner of Love this summer?

Anybody?

Can anybody tell me who Johnny picked? If you do, you get this shitty nail

polish.

No? Great. Y 'all suck.

So.

Bra.

How was your son?

Pretty awesome.

Did you party?

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

I got into it a little. Yeah?

Shot some darts.

Smoked some e -cigs.

What, real figs? Real figs are cool, but... You know, Stephen Dorff smokes

e -cigs.

Can I get back to the principal's office, or...

Do you need me for anything else? But you're going to finish up strong, right?

Senior year.

None of this stuff.

All right.

Up tapped.

Okay.

Welcome back.

Anne, what do you want?

I'm sorry.

I fucked up.

Yeah. You did.

You've been a horrible friend and like a shit show of a human being.

You think you're the only person having an identity crisis?

Okay, I am completely lost.

Completely.

Dude, you look terrible.

I've been hungover for like two months.

Oh, God.

Oh,

Jesus. What?

That's another thing. I screwed that up, too. We, like, um... Oh, my God. Yeah,

we had sex.

Yeah. No, it's the worst.

It's, like, fucked everything up, and it's so awkward, and it's so cliche, and

have no idea what to do.

Okay, you know what?

Baby stuff.

One, shower.

Yeah.

Two, nap.

Shower nap. Shower nap.

Maybe a little toothbrush. Yeah. That's important.

This has been a long summer.

Okay, bye.

I'm so sorry I missed the party.

It was hard for me not having you here.

I think subconsciously I might have lost track of the days. You know, I know how

badly you want me to bring someone to the party. I'm just, I'm having a hard

time.

I'm sorry. No, no. I just think you're terrific.

All I want is for my kid to...

Be happy with who he is.

Gay or straight.

Okay.

Got to throw that in there, huh?

Hi, guys.

Hey. Oh, balloons arrived.

Yep.

Oh, hey, man.

Here's your jacket back.

Yeah.

Look,

I'd invite you in, but I'm not actually alone.

Okay. Shit, you know what? I'm just going to be upfront about this.

Because we're buddies.

What's here? It just kind of happened. We just... Oh.

Hey, Jeff.

Max took me out to a really nice dinner.

And we were just about to get into some sex.

Grab a barbecue.

Well, I want to apologize for...

The way I treated you. And if I was weird or if there were any head

games or anything, it's my fault. I've done a bit of it out of my head, so I'm

sorry.

No, it's fine.

It doesn't matter anyway. I got the sense that Brian wasn't comfortable

you and that's kind of a deal breaker with me.

I'll let you guys talk.

Okay.

Bye, Jeff.

Brian's your son.

Oh.

He's into rocks and faith?

That's lame.

How does this affect you and, uh... Ann, not that I... Look, man,

nothing happened with Ann, okay?

She had a crush, she got over it, she told me that herself, so it's all good.

Cool.

Look, you're a good guy.

Okay? And what you and Ann could have, that could be the real thing.

Me and Beth, I mean, come on. As soon as we're done, I'm moving on.

I heard that.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine with it.

She's fine.

Okay.

Okay.

You're gonna be okay, Jeff.

You're going to be okay.

All right. You ready?

Mm -hmm. Yep. Get them off.

The old man opened his eyes, and for a moment he was coming back from a long

away.

Then he smiled.

That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me.

You

never

really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view.

I've been drunk for about a week now and I thought it might sober me up to

fit in the library.

I've always tried to take the high road when I get into fucked up shit with

people.

It's really beautiful.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. You're glad?

Especially the Tommy Land part.

Yeah, well, he is the greatest American author who was also in Motley Crue.

Yeah, I agree.

Did you get a bike?

Oh, no.

I thought it would look cool if I was standing in front of it. It looks very

cool.

Definitely shouldn't have touched it. No.

Come here.

How was your summer?

It sucked.

Oh, man, it was the shittiest.

I turned into an animal.

You know, I am really sorry about calling the

game pathetic. I don't think the game's pathetic. I love the game.

I love the game, too, but it's really dorky.

Yeah, but we're dork.

We are dorks and there's nothing wrong with that.

And I'm King Dork. Yeah.

You could be my queen.

I'd love to be your queen.

Well, then we're dork royalty.

Yeah.

Hey, guys.

Sorry. Do you know what time it is?

Get out of here! I'll murder you in public!

Are you serious right now? Bad timing!

Just so you know, I was never fully comfortable with Brian.

Why? Because he's a magician?

Or because he's extraordinarily intelligent?

for his age group. You can be a magician. You can be a magician and not

cape around the house with nothing else on.

Who's the man?

You don't look like you have bones under your skin.

Like you're just all baby body meat.

Wait, why are you hanging out at kids' schools?

Yeah, what were you doing by the school?

It was just random. I was watching someone.

Who?

A little discharge.

Okay, I'm going to write down a little discharge.

And I'm going to write Anne right next to a little discharge.

Put Beth on the phone.

Put Beth on the phone right now because I'm going to eat the... Nope.

I'm not going to say it. I'm going to eat the shit out of his butthole.

It's the wrinkly. You're the nasty guy. You're an old man and you're treating me

like a child.

You're acting like a child. How am I?

I just want you to know that I know it was

Brian that took a shit in my car.

He took a shit in your car? Oh, yeah. He took a shit in my car. I saw him go in

there. I saw him perch like an owl in the back seat. And then when I got in

front seat, there was a big fuse in the back. Her parents are super creative.

That's why they gave her the name Smanda.

They're both artists.

What kind of art do they do? They make rugs.

They're rug makers.

They're artists.

You have to be an artist to make a beautiful rug.

Sorry. You have to make...

Also,

this. Yeah, well, I don't know what this is.

That? Well, when you do that, it just makes you look super... Like I'm

money?

No.

All right, let me try.

Cool.

No.

See?

It just sounded like a question, but also a complaint.

Did it?

What kind of dirt would get under there? Like gravel.

Okay, so you've killed a wall. No, I just know because I've seen movies and

read books.

About killing women? So you're interested in it? No, I'm not. I was

Forced? Forced to read books about killing women. By who?

Him.