Original subtitles

- ? MTV ?

[chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

? ?

- Well, today's the day, Beavis.

[chuckles]

We got some weights, and we're finally gonna get swole.

[chuckles] - Yep.

We're always talking about getting ripped.

Finally time to do it. Yeah.

[chuckles] - [grunts]

[weight thuds] Oh, yeah. Ugh.

- [grunts] - Oh, yeah. There we go.

- [grunts] - Getting some gains.

- [grunts] I think I'm already pretty jacked.

[knocking]

- Excuse me, I live downstairs. What is that noise?

- Uh, what noise? [chuckles]

- Yeah, we might be, like, too swole to hear it.

Yeah. [chuckles]

[weight thuds]

- I'm sorry, could you just please be quieter?

I work from home. - Whoa.

You work from home?

So you, like, live at your job? [chuckles]

- Right, so it's important that it's quiet so I can work.

- Then it's a good thing you live at your job

and not downstairs 'cause these weights

probably make a lot of noise. [chuckles]

- Just please stop with the noise.

[door slams]

- Did you hear that, Beavis?

That butthole lives at his job. [chuckles]

- Lucky son of a bitch.

We have to live in this apartment that sucks.

- Yeah, really. It's a mess.

No one ever does anything about it.

[chuckles] - Yeah, yeah.

It didn't look like this when we moved in.

Somebody pulled a fast one on us.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- Wait a second, Beavis.

If we had a job in a place that's better

than our apartment, we could live there instead.

[chuckles]

- We used to have jobs at Burger World.

There was always food there, as I recall, yeah.

[chuckles]

- I bet we still have our old uniforms.

[chuckles]

[chuckling]

- So I looked at your applications,

and your names are already in the system.

Look, I'm in a bind here.

Can you take the shift right now?

Reuben and Andre flaked.

- Uh, yeah. [chuckles]

- And we brought our suitcases, yeah.

[chuckles]

- I'll go get your paperwork going.

- Well, Beavis, let's move in.

[chuckling]

- Yeah.

[both grunt]

[chuckling]

[cans hissing]

- Now we're talking. [chuckling]

- [sighs] Home sweet home.

[chuckles]

- ? Walk on by ?

- Whoa. Whoa, what is that thing?

[chuckles]

- Uh, I think it's, like, from Dr. Seuss or something.

[chuckles]

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know, the thing about Dr. Seuss is,

he's not very good, you know?

[chuckles] It's like, he'll say, like,

"There's a cloothplush on my toothbrush,"

and he just draws a fake animal, you know?

[chuckles] Anyone could do that.

[chuckling]

- Dr. Seuss sucks. [chuckles]

- See, it's like that chick there,

you know, I could say, "Oh, that chick is named Zood,

and she gives me wood, see?" [chuckles]

- Uh...whoa.

That was pretty good, Beavis. [chuckles]

Whoa, we should write a children's book.

[chuckles] - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, it's easy, you know?

Anyone can do it. [chuckles]

- Uh, we'll call it "Zong and His Schlong."

[chuckles]

- Or I know, I know.

Is this the land of Zoing?

That's where I'm going. [chuckles]

Because the chicks there make me go, boi-oi-oi-oing.

[chuckles]

- And then, like, that animal there,

we could call it a Lumbass.

And then, like, someone could say, "What is that?

It is a Lumbass, you dumbass."

[chuckles]

- Next thing you know, we're beloved by children.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- There once was a Kwut who looked like a butt.

When he stood up, people said, uh, what?

Or something. [chuckles]

- Yeah, yeah, see? See?

That's like- that's like 10 pages right there.

- Oh, yeah. [chuckles]

OK, Beavis, get to work drawing a Kwut.

[chuckles] - OK, yeah.

Yeah, OK, what does it look like?

[chuckles] - Uh, I already told you.

He looks like a butt.

You're just like the Lumbass who's a dumbass.

[chuckles] - Oh, yeah.

I love that guy, yeah.

OK, let me put that in there.

[chuckles] Wait a minute.

You know, "Lumbass the Dumbass" could be a whole other book.

We could have two books.

- Uh...oh, yeah. [chuckles]

- I mean, you could do a whole series, you know?

You could do, like, um,

"Kwut the Butt Goes to the Doctor."

[chuckles] - Yeah.

[chuckles]

His name was Dr. Zucks, and he sucks.

[chuckles]

- Boy, this stuff just writes itself.

[chuckles] - Yeah.

[chuckles]

He had a friend named McVestibles,

who looked like a pair of testicles.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, we'll probably even, like,

win an award for, like, teaching kids about their-

you know, their body parts. You know, we make it fun.

[chuckles]

- The award was called the Schnads,

and it looked like a pair of golden nads.

[chuckles]

- Oh, oh, and then maybe someone

will make it into a movie, so we don't have to read it.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- [chuckles] Th- that would be cool.

[chuckles]

You know how people always say the book

was better than the movie?

No one will say that about this movie.

[chuckles]

- [chuckles] Yeah, it's gonna be cool.

[chuckles]

[both munching]

- It doesn't get any better than this, Beavis.

- Yep, we should have lived at Burger World years ago.

[chuckles] [fire whooshes]

[chuckling]

- Hello? Does anyone work here?

- Yes. And we also live here.

Yeah. [chuckles]

[horn honking]

Someone's at the drive-thru. [sighs]

- Can you get me a BW Junior Meal?

- Can you get me some beers? - What?

- Yeah, see, um, we actually live here,

so we need some beers. You've got a car, right?

[chuckles]

- Don't you work here?

- Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying,

but we also live here.

So can you get us some beers?

We only have six left,

and we're taking them down pretty good.

Thank you. Drive through. [chuckles]

Some chick at the drive-thru

is going to make a beer run for us.

[chuckles]

- Well, as long as we're hanging out at home,

let's get swole. - Yeah, cool.

[chuckles] [both grunting]

[weights thudding]

- Between the new place, the new job,

and getting in shape, things have never been better.

- Yeah, we're, like, getting our lives together.

[chuckles]

[thudding continues]

- Let's just go.

[weights thudding]

- Hey, I hate to do this to you,

but Annabelle called in sick.

Could you possibly do the closing shift

and count the register? - Yeah.

We're not going anywhere. [chuckles]

- Yeah, we live here.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- You practically do.

You guys are gonna go far with that attitude.

- Uh, I forgot who that guy is.

- Yeah, it doesn't matter. [chuckles]

- You know what, Beavis?

Let's celebrate our first day in our new home

and go out for dinner.

[chuckles] - Good idea, Butt-Head.

- [chuckles] - Yeah.

- Let me just borrow some money from the register here.

[chuckling]

- Yeah, look at this.

We live close to so many great places to eat.

[chuckles] - It's all about location.

[chuckles]

- Two taco grandes, please. [chuckles]

- We're your new neighbors.

We just moved into Burger World across the street.

[chuckles] - Yep, we live there.

Yeah. [chuckles]

There's this chick coming by with beers

later, too, yeah. [chuckles]

We left the door open for her. [chuckles]

- So you just left the Burger World empty

with the door unlocked? - Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, she's really cool. She's got a car.

[chuckles]

- Did you lock the cash register?

- Uh, no.

If I lock it, it's harder to take the money out.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, we left it open so you can take the money out

real easy, you know. [chuckles]

It's a lot of money in there.

You just open the drawer and take it.

It's pretty cool. Neat system, yeah.

[chuckles]

[tacos crunching]

- Well, here's to work from home.

[chuckles] - Yep.

That's the way of the future.

Uh-huh. [crunching]

- I wonder if they're gonna have scoring from home.

- Probably with computers, you know?

- Yeah. [chuckles]

We'll be dead by then.

[chuckles] - Whoa!

Looks like there's a party going on in our Burger World.

Look. [chuckles]

- Uh, that chick must have shown up with the beer

and started without us.

- I like her style, yeah. [chuckles]

[tacos crunching]

- Whoa.

This neighborhood knows how to party.

[chuckles]

- And all the money's gone from the register.

- That's OK.

We'll make it all back tomorrow.

Our place pays for itself now, Beavis.

[chuckles]

- We finally turned our life around.

[chuckling]

- Good night, Beavis. [chuckles]

- Good night, Butt-Head. [chuckles]

[heavy rock music]

[bright enchanting music]

- "Lumbass the Dumbass,"

by Dr. Beavis and Dr. Butt-Head,

because Dr. Seuss sucks.

[chuckles]

Way down in the land of Ziggity-Zutthole,

there lived a guy who was kind of a butthole.

[chuckles]

- He was a weird-looking guy whose name was Lumbass.

He sucked. He was a real dumbass.

[chuckles]

- Lumbass the dumbass sat around and ate smachos,

which was a food pretty much exactly like nachos.

[chuckles]

- Lumbass knew a chick in the hood

named Zanktis Zunkey.

She gave him wood, so he spanked his monkey.

[chuckling]

- Yeah. [chuckles]

- She had an even hotter friend

named Zoing-oing-oing-oing.

Lumbass took one look at her and said,

"Boing-oing-oing-oing." [chuckles]

- And there was this other hot chick

whose name was Jutt-Head.

And she was like, "I want to score

with Butt-Head." [chuckles]

- She lived in a town called Shmeavis Blucks.

Yeah, that's a cool name.

[chuckles] Where everyone liked to say,

"Beavis sucks." Hey. Wait a second.

Who wrote this? [chuckles]

What happened to the part about me

scoring and drinking gleers?

- Uh, what are gleers? [chuckles]

- They get you drunker than beers.

[chuckles] - You have to leave.

You can't keep coming back in here.

- Uh, can we at least use the computer

to look at some websites?

[chuckling] - Yeah.

- Get out. - This sucks.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, my tax dollars pay for this library!

[chuckles]

- Uh, we don't pay taxes.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, we get taxes or something.

[chuckles]

[chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

? ?

[chips crunching]

- What happened to the dead bird

that was in the street? [chuckles]

- Uh, I think it, like, flew away or something.

[chuckles]

- Excuse me. I'm trying to find my Airbnb.

- Uh, what? [chuckles]

- I booked this place to stay tonight,

and I can't find it. I'm looking for my Airbnb.

- Excuse me, ma'am.

[chuckles] She means us.

We're B&B.

- We are? - Yeah, dumbass.

I'm Butt-Head, and you're a butthole.

[chuckles] - Whoa.

Letters are cool, yeah. [chuckles]

- Uh, if you're looking for B&B,

you've come to the right place, baby.

- Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

We're the B&B. Yeah. [chuckles]

- Oh, thank God.

I drove all the way from Phoenix.

So I guess I'm staying here tonight.

- Wow.

I can't believe it, Butt-Head.

She drove all the way from Phoenix looking for us.

[car door closes] [chuckles]

- And she wants to stay here tonight with B&B?

[chuckles]

She wants to score with both of us.

[chuckles]

- I'm just gonna bring my suitcase in the house.

- Yeah. That's cool.

[chuckles]

- Man, this is the luckiest thing that ever happened

to us, Butt-Head. - It's not luck, Beavis.

We believed in ourselves, and it paid off.

We put that out in the universe.

[chuckles] "Put out."

[chuckling]

- OK, this isn't what it looked like in the pictures at all.

Where's the pool table?

- Wow. - Disgusting.

- I can't believe we're finally gonna score.

[chuckles] - This is unacceptable.

Is there someone else I can talk to?

Are your parents here?

- Well, my mom went out for cigarettes,

so she's usually back in, like, three days.

[chuckles] - Yeah.

So that gives us some alone time.

[chuckles] - OK.

It's too late for me to find another place to stay tonight.

Can I at least have some clean sheets and towels?

- Clean what? [chuckles]

- Clean sheets and towels?

God, I am leaving a terrible review.

- Um, Butt-Head, I don't think she's gonna score

with us until we bring her clean sheets and towels.

- Ew, the floor is, like, black!

- Chicks are weird, Beavis. [chuckles]

- Yeah, I don't know why we bother.

[chuckles] - Ugh!

- Is this, like, one of those restaurants

in a castle, you know?

[chuckles]

- Uh, like Medieval Times?

[chuckles]

- Here at my castle, we are known for our s'mores.

[chuckling]

The orthodontist told me not to eat s'mores

because I have braces. Yes.

[chuckles] I'm being very naughty.

[chuckling]

This guy kind of looks like you, Butt-Head.

But he's, like, way better looking, you know?

[chuckles] - Uh, no way.

I'm better looking than this guy.

[chuckles] I look cool.

[chuckles]

But when I grow up, I want to start a restaurant

like this, where, like, I just stare at people.

[chuckles]

And it'll be called Butt-Head's Place.

[chuckles] - [chuckles]

- People will come in, and they'll be like, uh,

can I see a menu? And then I'll just do this.

- ? Tell me ?

- [chuckles]

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like this guy.

Yeah. [chuckles]

I'd eat there.

So what kind of food would you have?

[chuckles]

- Uh, like nachos and, uh...

uh...I'll put someone else in charge of the food.

I'll just be there to stare.

[chuckles] - Oh, yeah, yeah.

- This reminds me of that time that your mom

thought it was Thanksgiving,

but it was actually an intervention.

[chuckles] - Oh, yeah, yeah.

- It didn't work.

[chuckles] And it was August.

[chuckles]

- That was actually one of the better interventions, you know?

[chuckles] There was a fight at that one, yeah.

- He's like, "Uh...

I forgot my lines." [chuckles]

- Yeah, just throw her on the chair, and I'll think of it.

[chuckles] - Duh...

Oh, I remember.

My name is Hozier. [chuckles]

- Yes, yes, we know, Hozier.

Just sit in the chair and stare at the girl, please.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- Will you be Hozier's friend? [chuckling]

[chuckling]

- Does everyone have to do laundry before they score?

- Probably. [chuckles]

That's why there's so many people here.

- Oh, yeah. [chuckles]

- Uh, what do we do? [chuckles]

- I think we put it, like, in the washing machine?

[chuckles]

- [chuckles] You know how to do laundry.

- Shut up. I do not.

- Wuss. [chuckles]

- Yeah, OK, um, OK, let me see, um...

And there we go. [chuckles]

- So now we just wait for it to be done.

[chuckles]

- What the hell's taking so long?

We have to get back and score. Come on!

[machine buzzes]

- Finally. [chuckles]

- Our laundry looks different.

[chuckles]

- Uh, that's because it's, like, clean.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. [chuckles]

Whoa.

This towel got clean, and now it looks like a bra.

[chuckles] - Cool.

[chuckles]

We should have laundried it a long time ago.

- Yeah, yeah, really. [chuckles]

Laundry kicks ass.

[chuckling]

- Here you go, lady.

Clean sheets and towels. [chuckles]

So, do you want us to put these in the bedroom,

or do you want to start this party

right here on the floor?

[chuckles]

- Um, who's this guy? [chuckles]

- This is Paul.

He's the other name on the reservation.

- Oh, hey.

Did you get us clean sheets and towels?

- Uh, yeah. [chuckles]

- Yeah, we didn't want to, but it's the only way

she'll let us score. [chuckles]

- They're all wet.

- Ugh, this place is a disaster.

I'm so sorry. - It's all right, babe.

I got us a hotel for tomorrow.

Let's just try to make the best of it for one night, OK?

- OK.

- So, like, uh, Paul, you should probably go,

'cause we're about to, like, you know, do some stuff here.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, like, get busy, you know.

- Yeah, I'm sure you guys are really busy.

So thanks so much. We don't need anything else.

We're all set.

- We're kind of tired, so...

- Yeah, we did laundry, like you said.

[chuckles]

- We're B&B. [chuckles]

- Yeah, totally.

We just could use a little privacy.

So, you know... - Huh?

- Uh, what? - Thanks so much.

And I'm sure we'll see you tomorrow when we check out.

[door slams]

- Uh, what? [chuckles]

- Eh. It's locked.

- This sucks.

That guy better not be scoring with our chick.

Look in the window. [chuckles]

- They pulled down the shades, Butt-Head.

[chuckles]

- Well, there's a hole you can look through.

Get up there.

- OK, OK, yeah. [chuckles]

- Ugh.

[chuckles] Hole.

[chuckles]

- [chuckles] You said "hole."

[chuckles]

- Do you see them? [chuckles]

- Yeah they're sitting on the couch.

Ah! I can see his butt!

[chuckles]

- Uh, can you see his schlong? [chuckles]

- I think, uh, yeah, yeah.

Uh, no. Yeah.

No. Yeah. No. Yeah.

No, yeah, no, yeah. no, yeah, no, no, no, no.

[chuckles] I think he's scoring with her.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- Damn it. - Ahh!

- Now what do we do?

- Maybe we could go back to that laundromat place

and see if there's another bra there or something.

[chuckles] - Oh, yeah.

[chuckles] Bras rule.

[chuckling]

[heavy rock music]

? ?

[bluesy rock music]

? ?

[chiming]

- Chirp.

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