Original subtitles

Turn that off, boy. Your father's about to come on.

I know, I'm watching the streaming broadcast.

Why don't you just watch it on the giant TV?

Because the Internet is streaming live.

The TV has a delay. I wanna see things as they happen.

Wait a minute. So you mean, what I'm seeing here

and what you're seeing there...

Are a few seconds apart.

Huh.

Okay, here we go.

Right now... Right now...

...we're gonna head out to the streets...

...we're gonna head out to the streets...

...with our very own...with our very own...

...Nick Kingston-Persons...Nick Kingston-Persons.

Nick? Ah! Ah! All right, I got it.

I love the NFL.

And if you've ever watched a game

and wondered what it was like to be a quarterback,

with only split seconds

to make a decision that makes the difference

between getting first downs

or getting knocked down,

well, we are about to find out.

'cause these guys are gonna try to sack the quarterback.

That's me.

Omaha 36!

Red 13!

Hut. Hut!

Oh! Whoa!

What are you screaming about?

Ah!

Ow!

Oh, my God. Is he okay?

I think Dad just got knocked out.

I think Nick just got knocked out.

What? Are you sure?

Yeah, I mean, why would he wish we weren't watching?

Nick... What?

It's times like these when you just hope

a guy's family isn't watching at home.

What are they gonna do about it?

I mean, they can't just leave him lying there.

I don't know, but they'll be back after these messages.

All right, we're gonna figure out what's going on

and we're gonna be right back after these messages.

I don't believe this.

I know. That delay's crazy, right?

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Oh!

Boy, what were you thinkin'?

I was thinkin' I'm a TV guy

and they were supposed to go easy on me.

That guy took you out like a truck hitting a puppy.

It wasn't that bad.

Dad, excuse my French, but you got knocked the hell out.

Hey! Sorry.

Lehell out.

Man, he hit you so hard it almost knocked me out.

You know your football days were over three concussions ago.

Two. Just checking.

They were supposed to go easy on me.

Somebody should've told the dude who hit you.

Child, he hit you like there was a scholarship in it.

That dude hit you like he was auditioning for The Blind Side 2.

He hit you like they were gonna hit him like he hit you

if he didn't hit you like it was either you or him.

Boy, your Daddy got a concussion.

How's he supposed to understand all that?

Somebody better call Suzanne

and tell her I'm okay.

I'll call her. That is not calling,

that's texting. Call her.

Figures she would leave town

just when you're trying the stupidest thing you can think of.

Now, get out of that uniform before I hit you. You need to lie down.

No, no.

You heard what the doctor said.

I'm not taking any chances.

Yeah, he said I was supposed to stay awake for a few hours

to make sure there are no complications

from this concussion. Oh!

You know what? Your doctor said you were fine. If you weren't,

they would've kept you there for observation,

so they could see what an idiot looks like.

I spoke to Mom. Oh, what'd she say?

She said she doesn't really wanna talk to you right now

because you nearly scared her half to death.

Oh, and she said she loves you.

Dad, how many fingers am I holding up?

Uh, three more than you're gonna have

if you don't get your hand out of my face, man.

Don't get mad at me.

You're the one who got knocked out, I'm just trying to help.

Look, you wanna help? Just hand me that Jell-O I got from the hospital.

And the spoon too.

I'll be upstairs.

Speaking of help,

Marilyn, would you mind driving me to Kelly's house?

Mom said it was okay.

Really? Mm-hmm.

When did she say that?

On the phone just about a minute ago.

Girl, he got the concussion, not me.

Now, your mama left a list of do's and don'ts,

and letting Lindsey go to a party at Kelly's house

is in the "don't" column.

Oh!

And the next time you want to do somethin',

don't try to trick people.

Teachable moment, Lindsey. Teachable moment.

That was good, Ma.

I know it.

And here's a teachable moment for you.

The next time you plan something this stupid,

Mama gonna knock you out.

Honey,

as long as you're gonna be up,

would you mind keeping an eye on this eBay auction for me?

It ends around 2:00 a.m.

Sure. What is it?

A vintage Chanel bag.

I've had my eye on it all weekend.

Nobody's made a bid, so I don't wanna miss it when they close out.

It is as good as mine.

I got it. Don't worry.

Okay. Now, wait, baby.

Look, now if you get tired or sleepy,

you feel like you're gonna faint or anything like that, you call me.

'Cause I want that bag.

I'll get your bag. All right, you better.

Unless you want your fourth concussion.

Third. Just checking.

Hey, Dad.

What are you doin' up?

You think I'm up? Oh, man, it's worse than I thought.

Man... Ah!

No, but, Dad I was doing some research,

and, um, if you do have any complications,

nobody's gonna know if nobody's up to watch you.

Plus, there's a football game on tonight from Spain.

You just wanna stay up and watch that soccer game, don't you?

No. Okay, Dad, look.

I just wanna stay up to make sure you don't go into a coma.

I mean, look, missing the game would suck,

but you going into a coma would suck way more.

Man, bring that in here.

Whoo!

I wanna thank you for all your concern.

Okay?

But you do realize that you are not going to make it, okay?

That game doesn't come on until 2:00 in the morning.

I'll make it.

Right, right.

Okay, you know what?

You know what? Instead of arguing,

I'll just carry you upstairs when you pass out,

just like I was on that field.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey!

Who's been messing with my DVR?

I don't know what you're talkin' about.

Oh, you don't know what I'm talkin' about?

Look, I have reruns

of the best NFL playoff games

ever played, all right?

Tonight was the perfect night to watch,

and they're all gone.

There's nothing on here but Storage Wars.

It could be worse.

Oh, how can it be worse man, huh?

How could it be worse?

Listen, I got knocked out on TV.

I got a concussion,

my wife's not here to give me sympathy,

and I gotta stay up all night.

How could it be worse than that?

You could've peed yourself when that guy knocked you out.

Yeah, that's worse. Yes.

All right, a few hours left and still no bids.

Good night.

Good night.

Thanks for hanging with me.

Sleep tight. I'll record the game for you.

Hey, hey, hey. Coma Squad in the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shh.Sorry. Don't wanna wake up the whole house.

But just so you know, The Coma Squad is in full effect.

That's funny.

That is funny.

The Coma Squad?

Yeah, that's the name we came up with on the way over.

Were you drinking those beers at the time?

It's a good name.

The name doesn't matter.

You called, we showed up

with food and beer... Mm-hmm.

...to keep you company while you try not to fall into a coma.

It's true. Even if we had called ourselves

"The Super Action Boy Fantastic Dream Team"...

The real important thing is we're here.

Okay, please tell me

you are not thinking of actually calling yourselves that.

Look, we made him change it.

Want a beer?

Dude, you do not treat a concussion with beer.

He wasn't really gonna give it to you.

We just wanted to know if you were brain-damaged enough to take it.

I'm not brain-damaged, all right?

It's just a concussion.

You're lucky that's all it was.

What were you thinking going out there with professional football players?

I don't know.

I know what you weren't thinking.

That you was gonna get knocked out like a front tooth.

That dude hit you

like he hit his mama

like he hit you.

What?

It's circular logic.

Don't try to figure it out.

Well, guys, I just want to say thanks.

You know, not a lot of people would come over

and stay up all night with me like this.

Uh, try until midnight,

unless you want my wife calling over here every five minutes

to find out if this is where I actually am.

What'd you do that your wife has to call you every five minutes?

Something that took six minutes.

Did anybody ask you?

Okay, okay.

You gotta leave at midnight. I get it.

I got to go at midnight too.

Oh, where you going?

You don't ask a grown man about his business.

I know. I'm asking you.

Well, Nick, unlike these losers,

I'm not going anywhere.

My man.

Ooh! I have to go.

Oh, come... No.

You're kidding. Come on.

- Sorry, fellas. - Loser.

Represent, brother.

Ah, man. All right,

we got about an hour.

That's just enough time for some seven-card stud.

Hmm, I don't think I'm thinking clearly enough for that, man.

All right how about draw poker?

There's not a lot of calculating in that.

I don't know.

Fine. Uh, blackjack.

You can still count to 21, right?

Um, that's a lot of card countin'.

So, what do you wanna play?

Go fish.

You got any... Jacks?

Ah!

Ah!

And, bam!

Ah, you fools owe me $75.

What the hell?

Hello? MIKE: I always win.

Oh, okay, yeah,

yeah, all right, all right.

Malcolm? It's for you man. MALCOLM: Yo.

Oh, damn.

I'm leaving now.

I got to get going.

You gonna be okay?

Yeah.

Listen, if you fall into a coma,

call somebody, all right?

Now, how exactly would I do that?

Look, man, I'm just trying to care for you, here.

Don't kill me on technicalities.

Okay, I'm leaving now.

Listen, I gotta be home in six minutes

or I'm gonna have a concussion.

All right, go, go.

I do not want that woman calling here again.

Oh, man.

Oh, man, will you get out of here? Go, go.

Hey, yes. Oh, okay, all right.

Yes. No, no, he's not here.

No, he's not acting like he's not here.

Yeah, I know. Okay, all right.

I got to go. I got to go. I got to go.

Troy!

Mr. Kingston-Persons,

you scared the heck out of me.

I scared you?

You scared me.

Man, I already got a concussion.

What you trying to do, give me a heart attack too?

What are you doing here?

It's 1:00 a.m.

Exactly.

Yeah, I always come over here at 1:00 a.m. to get a snack.

Hey, who erased all my Storage Wars?

Okay. You're the one that erased all my playoff games?

Those things were all ten or 15 years old.

If you don't know who won those by now,

that's on you.

Man, take your sandwich and go.

And quit coming over here in the middle of the night.

Man, somebody's gonna get hurt.

Hey, speaking of hurt,

why would you go in there with all those pro football players?

They knocked you out like the Foreman Grill knocks out the fat.

Man, get out of here.

I ain't having no little white boy running around here

in the middle of the night. Out!

You're out of pumpernickel.

What'd you call me?

Knock, knock.Terrence.

Look what I found.

Lindsey!

What's going on?

Now, Suzanne asked me to watch the place

while she was gone, all right?

I'm staked out across the street,

that's when I see little Miss Thang sneak by,

all dressed up like she on the last train to Paris.

Are you crazy?

Sneaking out in the middle of the night?

Okay, I went over to Kelly's,

and then Uncle Terrence burst in,

embarrassed me,

and then brought me here.

No money, no phone,

no parties for four days.

Dad! Five. Give me the phone.

Six!

Come on.

Seven!

Wh... Oh. Eight, for the look.

Now, what? Look at me like that again.

Nine, for the way you stompin'.

Ten, for the breathing.

You got to be hard on them, man.

Thanks a lot, man.

Don't worry about it.

How long you been out there, anyway?

Long enough to hear you scream like a little girl

when Troy snuck in here to watch Storage Wars.

I'm trying to deal with this concussion, man

So... What's that?

It don't work like that, dum-dum.

You got to have all your marbles.

You obviously don't, all right?

So, keep your head up

and your little girly screams down.

I'm trying to get some sleep out here.

I wasn't screaming. Nobody's screaming...

Door slam.

All right. Chanel purse,

60 seconds left.

Here we go. $275,

and... submit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Outbid?

Outbid?

Oh, okay.

Oh, no, no, player.

I see what you tryin' to do.

I see what you tryin' to do.

Okay, okay. Uh-huh.

Here we go. You gonna try to snipe me, huh?

You gonna try to snipe me?

I'm gonna do this to you right here.

$758, huh?

How 'bout I put that in there for you?

Put that in there for you.

Bam! Huh?

And what we got? What we got? What we got?

Oh, yeah!

What? Huh? What?

How you gonna try to snipe me, player?

That's what I do, dawg.

That is what I do. That's how I play it, man.

Ain't nothin' coming between me and a bag for my mama.

Nothin'!

♪ Ah, I got a bag for my mama

♪ I got a bag for my mama

♪ Hey, I got a bag for my mama

♪ Uh, I got a bag for my mama

Dad? Dad!

Hey, oh, oh, whoa, whoa, dude!

Don't sneak up on me like that, man.

I just came down to watch the game.

What are you doing?

I was...

bidding on a purse on eBay for your grandmother.

Did you get it?

What's my name?

What's my name? Huh?

What is my name? Oh, man! I gotta call the doctor!

Hey, hey, why? No! No, no, what are you talking about?

Dad, sit down, okay?

You're having complications!

No, no, no, this is not complications.

Yes, just a second ago, you couldn't even remember your own name.

No, Kevin. Kevin, stop. Stop. It's not complications,

I was bragging.

I'm bragging, okay?

About getting the purse, all right?

I'm the purse master.

I'm Nick, right?

I'm good. Oh!

Oh, you scared me.

Well, in that case, let me get some for that purse.

And, Dad... Hmm?

Don't brag.

I'm like,

"I know."

I know, right? I mean, seriously.

Lindsey. Off the phone.

But, Dad, I have to talk to my friends.

Are these the same friends leading you on a life of crime?

That's 12 days.

But, Dad! That's 13 days. Give me the phone.

Two weeks.

What?

Whoo!

Good morning, sweetie.

Oh, good morning.

It's good to see Captain Coldcocked is out of the woods.

Ma,

how can you make fun of your own son like that?

Easy, watch.

How many football players does it take to knock out a news anchor?

How many?

When it's you, just one.

Aah! Ha, ha.

Aah!

Aah! Aah, aah, aah, aah!

Aah!

Aah! Ha, ha, ha.

Aah, aah, aah.

Ha!

Now, if you are through making fun of me,

I got some good news.

What? That guy knocked some sense into you and you want a divorce?

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Aah, aah!

Are you through?

Oh, boy, where's your sense of humor? What's the news?

I got your bag.

Shut up! You did?

Oh, you know, with you scaring me half to death,

I forgot all about... Oh, this is fantastic!

I've had my eye on that bag since it went up.

Oh, baby!

Well, it will be off the web

and in your hot little hands

as soon as you make the payment.

Oh, that's my baby! Oh, I can't wait.

So, how much did you end up paying for it?

Well, it was a little more than I expected.

Oh, that's all right. But it went right down to the wire.

Now, look somebody tried to snipe me.

I almost didn't get it,

but, boy, he came through for you, Mama.

♪ I got the bag for my mama

♪ I got the bag for my mama

$800?

For a used bag? Man, what were you thinkin'?

Did somebody come up here and knock you upside your head again?

You didn't give me a spending cap.

I should've given you a dunce cap.

What were you thinkin'? Ah...

I'll get it. I got the door. Oh, oh, yeah, I thought you were asleep.

Boy! $800.

There he is.

The Master of Disaster,

King of Out Cold,

Lieutenant Loopy,

Doctor Got Clocked.

Ladies and gentlemen, the man who's not afraid to get himself damn near killed

for a public who couldn't care less,

Nick Kingston-Persons.

Okay, okay. Yes, sir.

How are you, buddy?

Well, you know, I'm good. I got a little headache.

A little headache? Nick,

you got hit so hard, I got a concussion,

All right? I just got back from the ER.

Just got back.

Okay, did you just come here to mock me

or did you want anything else?

I came here to mock you,

and I got some presents for you.

This stuff is so good.

DVD of the hit.

Okay?

On a loop, all right?

Wait.

The guys from the team

autographed your helmet.

Huh?

I got something better than that.

What is that?

Here's a photo of all the tweets

that went up

the second you got hit.

Okay.

"Nick Kingston-Persons is straight baby thighs,

"hashtag soft."

Yeah, that was me.

All right, now...

My favorite.

The DVD...

of you

right after you got hit, okay?

We just released it this morning.

It's already viral.

It's a huge deal on the Internet.

You filmed me after I got hit?

We were trying to keep you lucid, Nick.

We did it for you, all right?

Now, watch this

because it does not get old.

Hey, Mama.

Hey.

Is this how Daddy died?

Boy, you just got knocked the hell out.

Hey, Daddy.

Hi, Dad.