Original subtitles

Okay, guys. The fight is almost on.

Guys' night out is on and cracking.

Yes! Yeah.

Why are we calling it "guys' night out" if we're all in?

I mean, shouldn't we call it "guys' night in"?

Look,

guys' night out means we are out from under the influence of women,

meaning we can say and do as we choose.

Remember, anything that happens on guys' night out

stays on guys' night out.

All that matters is, we got the food...

We got the fight... And we got the brewski.

Booya.

"Thunderball." What's this?

I got it at a discount from a friend of a friend.

He said, "It's the boom! Bap!"

Well, pop one open for me,

'cause we are gonna have a good time tonight

with no worries and no women.

Are you ready to rumble?

Really? Uh, Gigi.

Yeah?

Based on the information I was just given,

I don't really think you're supposed to be here right now.

Why not? It's fight night, right?

No, no, actually, it's guys' night, all right?

We're not just watching a fight. We might do other things.

Like what? Guy stuff.

Well, you can do the guy stuff after I leave, but I'm watching the fight.

Thank you. Why didn't you go with Suzanne to LA?

Because I want to watch the fight, Nick.

Oh, I forgot. They don't have TVs in LA.

Whatever.

Hey, Dad, Kelly's mom's coming in a few to come pick me up.

Can you take her with you? I'm not leaving.

Guys, this is a huge coincidence.

We were just about to watch the fight, and she looks like she just lost one.

Bye, Dad. All right. See you later.

Bye, Lindsey. LINDSEY: See ya.

Call me if you need something.

I will.

Hello? I need something.

Can you get her out of here?

Yes, yes.

All right, look!

I am not here to ruin your fun.

And, frankly, anything you can't do while I'm around,

you shouldn't be doing anyways.

So, tonight, I...

am one of the guys.

To guys' night out!

Drink it up.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

What the...

Martin. Martin!

Okay. Easy, easy, easy.

Wow! Why does my head feel like it was slammed in a car door?

What time is it?

I don't know.A.M. or P.M.?

A.M.

Well, wake me up in the P.M. What happened to your face?

Hey, leave me alone. I don't wake up pretty.

Hush up, Beyonce.

No, no, something happened to your face. Go, go look.

What happened to him?

Him? What happened to you, Hellraiser?

What are you talking about?

You look like the love child of Dennis Rodman, Mike Tyson, and Xerxes.

What... Mm.

Why?

Look at this place!

Suzanne's gonna be back this afternoon,

and she gonna kill me if she sees this place like this!

Mm-hmm. You were supposed to stop anything bad from happening!

Maybe I did!

Just not this.

What is that belt you're wearing?

Oh, my God.

I have no idea.

Oh... Oh, no! Where's my wedding ring?

Ooh!

"Ooh" your damn self!

You in this too.

Where is my wedding ring? I never take it off.

Please tell me this is yours.

No, man. My ring don't look anything like that.

Okay, why do I have on a wedding ring?

I don't know!

Can anybody tell me what happened last night?

The last thing I remember was, um... Was...

I don't remember anything.

Hey, I remember! We were... We were toasting!

Toasting to guys' night!

What kind of beer is this?

Look, I've had some strong stuff before, but this is ridiculous!

"Thunderball. Do not drink.

"This merchandise is for display purposes only.

"If accidentally ingested, contact physician immediately."

What?"Contents may cause complications

"such as hallucinations, short-term memory loss,

"headaches, nausea, aggression,

"depression, anxiety, paranoia, and fatigue."

We drank this?

We drank a lot of it.

Look, I don't know what happened,

but I know this cannot get any stranger than it already is.

By the way, where's the couch?

It's in the kitchen.

And by the way, you're out of milk.

So, you drove us around last night?

Yep.

So, do you know what happened to my ring?

Nope. Do you know where I got this belt?

Probably the same place you got that robe.

Can you at least tell us where you picked us up?

At a bar.

Does this bar have a name?

Martin.

You were at my bar last night?

You Martin?

Yeah.Yeah.

Whose black SUV is in the driveway?

That's mine.

Wow, you drive an SUV?

What are you trying to say?

Nothing.

Well, where else did you take us?

Hey, man, I'm a driver, okay?

And besides, what happens on guys' night out stays on guys' night out.

That's what you said.

Great. So we're short on specifics, he's short on answers. Perfect.

Okay, Martin Short, say "short" again.

Yo, he didn't mean it like that, man.

How do you know?

Look, man, you may be small...

Hey, hey, hey! Come on. Come on.

Sit down. Stop it! Stop it!

I can't hold this guy back. NICK: Stop it!

We got even bigger problems here, okay?

Bigger?

I didn't mean bigger. I meant more serious, okay?

We have more serious problems here! Calm down.

All right... Listen,

at some point last night, we were all at my bar, right?

So, why don't we go there and look for some answers?

I'm with it. Good idea.

Oh!

Get the door!

Hi! Hey, hey!

Hi, Mimi! What are you doing here?

I brought my parents to meet my husband.

Husband?

Whoo-hoo!

He is my husband!

Well, that explains the ring.

I can't believe this.

How were we married?

Martin, last night at the bar, you asked me to marry you.

And I said "Yes."

It was so romantic.

I bet.

Here's a gift from my father.

Thank you.

Is this like when Jewish couples step on the glass?

You two do make a great couple.

Mm-hmm. What are you talking about?

We barely know each other.

Look, Mimi, I don't know what happened last night.

Fate? Love? Destiny?

Where'd you get that little cup?

You got one more "little," man.

This is crazy.

We have to get the marriage annulled.

Annulled? But, Martin,

I don't understand.

- She's your wife, man. - She's your wife.

Hey, hey.

This means the same in every language.

Yay!

Hey, stop! Stop! Stop!

Okay, listen, we have no idea what happened last night, all right?

We drank something,

and then we blacked out, okay?

Look, it was guys' night out. It got out of control.

Okay, what'd he say? He just said,

"What happens on guys' night out stays at guys' night out."

Oh, that's what's up.

Uh, sir, I don't know how,

but we will make this up to you.

Somehow. I promise.

Women.

Okay, everybody, spread out.

I'll check the lost and found. GIGI: I'm going in the back.

All right, my ring has got to be around here somewhere.

There you are.

Didn't think you'd be up so early.

Who's this?

My name is not important.

Okay.

Katya, I'd appreciate it if you didn't bring your friends to the bar

when it's not open,

or when it is open, for that matter.

This is what I'm talking about.

Whoa! You found my ring?

No, I found a quarter.

I have wedding ring.

Whoa, whoa, hey!

What are you doing with my ring, man? Who are you?

My name is not important,

but you can call me Larry.

All right, Larry, can I have my ring back, please?

I'm afraid not,

unless you want to pay me my money.

I got a quarter.

Wait, what money? What is he talking about?

Um, Larry is a friend of mine from Russia.

Last night, you all came here.

You were acting crazy.

You bet him $1,000 that you could drink

four shots of Vodka faster than him.

Me? All of you.

Together. Except her.

But you couldn't do it, and you lost.

Wait, wait.

How can this guy drink four shots of Vodka faster

faster than all of us together? Yeah.

Put down another 1,000, I show you.

When you didn't have the money,

he took the ring

as a collateral.

Then the Chinese woman... Who, Mimi?

Yes! She says, "You're cute, and you should have a wife."

Mm-hmm. You ask her to marry you.

Larry says the marriage would not last,

and you bet $10,000

that the marriage would last one day longer

than Kim Kardashian's, 73 days.

I bet $10,000?

How did I not get in on that?

Because she showed up right after you drank.

You tried to kiss her. You say you love her.

She punches you two times and knocks you out.

Oh!

I knocked him out in two punches!

Here's your tooth.

Look, Larry, apparently, things got a little

out of control last night, all right?

We were all a little drunk.

A little? I had it up to here with y'all.

That's not that much.

Look, I just need my ring back, man.

A bet is a bet.

And I was little drunk, too.

I mean, why you think I bet $10,000 on stranger's marriage?

Okay, so we cool, then.

Look, give me my ring back, and we can all go home.

Not so easy. Why not?

'Cause you still owe me $1,000,

plus $10,000 more when bogus marriage ends.

Hey! Look, if I don't come home

with my ring before my wife gets there,

I don't know what's gonna happen.

Tell her you place bet. She will understand.

You must not be married, huh?

No. Russian mafia dangerous and crazy enough.

I don't need wife, too.

But I tell you what.

You give me my money, I give you ring.

I don't have that kind of cash!

Not Larry's problem.

Can you help me out, man?

I don't know what to tell you, man.

All I can say is, I'm getting this marriage annulled.

No! No! You can't do that!

Not with this kind of money on the line!

Not Martin's problem.

Dude, I need my ring.

If you and Mimi stay married, I can get it back.

How long? 73 days. You heard her.

If I do this, I'm gonna want a cut.

How much?

$6,000.$6,000?

$3,000 for me, $3,000 for Mimi. You get $4,000.

Well, why does she get a cut? You barely know this woman.

Hey, man! That's my wife you're talking about.

Deal.

So, what about your ring?

Well, okay. Okay.

I said last night I wanted to be one of the guys, so I'll help.

I know somebody. A guy.

The Guy? The Guy.

The Guy. The Guy!

The Guy! The Guy! He can get the ring!

Gigi... I know.

I owe you. Yes! $2,000 if you win.

What? You heard me.

You have no room to negotiate.

I am helping you.

$1,000.

$4,000.

$2,000, got ya.Right.

Okay, how about this one? It's close enough, right?

Close enough? Sure,

it's close enough, if you want a divorce.

He don't want that.

What are you talking about, man?

Well, your wife bought you the ring, yeah?

Yeah.

Okay, so, she knows what she paid for it, even if you don't.

He don't.

You ask me to replicate a designer grade...

Designer grade! 5.5-millimeter...

5.5!18-karat white gold ring.

18-karat white gold ring!

With an aged and polished finish.

Aged and polished finish! Engraved.

Engraved! For a plus size...

For a fat finger!

By 5:00.

Ha! I mean, come on!

But, so, can you do it?

He's the guy. He can do it.

Yeah, I can do it, but it's gonna cost you.

Mm-hmm. How much?

$400.Aw, I was gonna say $500.

Deal. $400.

I'll be out back.

Okay, everybody,

come up off that green!

I need $400 right now, pronto. You too.

Come on. Ante up. I don't have $400.

That's what "ante up" means, player.

Let's go.

Oh, thank you very much. Thank you, sir. Thank you.

All right.

You can have my quarter.

You can keep that, man.

Dad, I'm home.

Hey, sweetie.

Dad, who are all these people?

Uh, everybody, this is my daughter Lindsey.

Lindsey, this is everybody.

Hey, Lindsey.Hi.

Is this really happening, or am I high again?

Look, sweetie, you are not high again, okay?

Look, I don't really know what's going on. It's a long story.

I knew something was wrong when I got that message from Kevin last night.

What message? It was stupid.

He kept singing...

♪ Go, Gigi! Girls fighting! Getting knocked out! ♪

Wait a second. Fighting a girl?

He was with me last night?

I don't know. He said I was missing it.

What are you waiting for? Go get him.

Maybe he knows about all this.

Yeah, go! Kevin!

Kevin!

Listen, Mimi. Um, could we talk?

Hello.

So, um...

It's okay, Martin. I understand.

You were in a drunken stupor last night,

and I mistook your inebriation for love.

We'll get annulment.

Actually, I was thinking maybe we shouldn't.

Not yet. Really?

Yeah.

Hold up! Hold up! Hold up, everybody!

Kevin is gone!

What?

Did you find him? No.

Look, I looked everywhere.

Gigi, are you sure you don't remember anything?

Nick, I told you, I don't!

I mean, look, I'm gonna have to call the police.

Oh, my God! You know, this is serious!

Look, I can explain to Suzanne that I lost my ring,

but I cannot tell her that I lost her son.

I hope he's okay.

Hey, Dad.

Kevin!

Oh, my God! Laila Ali!

Where have you been, man?

I was worried to death about you!

Oh, really? Is that why you let the boy out to watch a fight

in the middle of the night with that crazy woman over there?

Who, me?

Yeah, you. Why do you think you're dressed like that?

Hey, Laila.

There you are. You know what?

I've been calling you for the last six hours.

You don't know how to answer your phone, man?

You know how I do. I just drive.

Oh, really? Who told you to be driving these people all around town?

Wait a second. You guys know each other?

No, I just like to start fights with strangers.

Of course I know him. He's my driver.

Oh.

Then how did Kevin end up with you?

All right, look. This stays in this room. You understand?

Yeah. Do not repeat a word of what I'm about to say.

Okay.

I have a girl fight club.

You have a girl fight club?

Didn't I just say, "Don't repeat a word of what I'm about to say"?

I'm sorry. That just sounds awesome.

Anyway, last night, she shows up.

Me?

Yes. And she had your son with her.

I do not know why, okay,

but believe it or not,

she won every single one of her fights by knockout.

Gigi! Yeah, boy! What?

Give it to me! Give it to me!

Then she started running around calling herself "The Champ."

Uh-oh.

That's when I told her she had to go.

Do you know this woman had the nerve

to steal my belt,

snatched up my little driver,

and rolled off in my car?

Oops. Sorry.

Yeah, I'm gonna give you a pass on that.

Thank you. And I tried to get little man here

to talk, but all he would say is,

"What happens on guys' night out stays on guys' night out."

Nice.

Yeah. You're growing up, baby.

And then he calls me and says to come down here,

so I took a cab.

Somebody owes me $45.

I got a quarter.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

So, you knew where Kevin was this whole time and you didn't tell us?

Hey. Yeah, I know.

You just drive.

All right, pal. Oh!

Here you go. Your wife will never know the difference.

Oh, man. Nice!

Oh, my God! It's perfect!

I know.

Thank you.

Good looking out.

Don't I know you?

No, you don't.

And if you tell anyone you saw me here,

I will find you and knock you out.

Uh, on that note... buh-bye.

Hey, Laila, look, I am so sorry about all of this.

You know what? Every time I see you, there's some drama.

I should tell your wife,

but then I would have to admit that I was here.

Now, you know she likes to shoot people, so you're lucky.

Come on, man.

Hey, stop... Stop slamming stuff, man.

Burn the road up.

What's wrong with you, man?

See you shortly.

Hey, hey, hey.

Bye, Laila. Thank you. Okay.

Okay, guys. Look, look.

We got to finish cleaning up this place

before Suzanne gets here. Now, come on. Clean it up!

Let's go!

Whoo! Coming home, baby.

Well, Martin and Mimi

have officially been married for 73 days.

That is one day longer

than Kim Kardashian and what's-his-face.

So, give up my money

and my ring.

Mm-hmm.

I hate Kim Kardashian.

You and everybody in the Western Hemisphere, pal.

Ooh!

There you go. Here's your cut.

Thank you.

So, I guess this means there's only one thing left to do.

Mimi... Hmm?

I want a divorce. Okay, fine.

Just remember, I keep half of everything,

and I'm keeping the ring.

What did she say?

She say at least she do better than Kim Kardashian.

Okay. Well, since this is officially over,

how about another guys' night out?

Yes!

It's time to go.

Oh, no! Not again!