Original subtitles

Nick, my man.

Hey. Mr. Peterson.Hey...

When it's all said and done,

how do you want to be remembered by the citizens of this great city?

Well... I guess,

as a good father, good husband, uh...

Boring.

You know what's better than all that stuff?

Being sexy.

Uh... I'm not sure what you're getting at.

Well, of course you don't. Because I haven't gotten to it yet.

I was on a roll, Nick.

You're wreckin' my flow.

Well, sorry. Go ahead.

Thank you.

Now, I was just informed by the good folks at Peck North Print & Media

that you have been voted one of Seattle's sexiest news personalities.

Isn't that great?

I guess...

Who voted, again?

Uh, Peck North Print & Media Online Magazine.

Well, that's great. Tell them I said thanks.

Or, you could tell them at the photoshoot.

Whoa! Hey. Photoshoot?

Oh, no, no. That's... That's really not my thing.

Oh, well. Come on, it can be.

If you did it. I'll do it.

Do what? The photoshoot. I'll do it.

They don't want you. They want Nick.

You sure they didn't say Brick? 'Cause Nick and Brick they sound a lot alike.

Specially the "ick" part.

Yes.

They've seen Nick? Yes.

They've seen me? Yes.

They still prefer Nick?

Yes, Brick! It's crazy.

I mean, no offence, Nick, but I am smart, I'm successful...

I'm the senior anchor.

I mean, what's sexier than that?

Nick.

They know I drive a Porsche. That's sexy.

They didn't ask about a Porsche.

Uh, Mr. Peterson, look. I'm flattered, but, uh...

you could just tell them I'm gonna have to pass.

Look, Nick. You don't understand.

You have to do it.

Why?

Our newscast averaged a 0.94 in our demo last week.

Uh, you probably don't know what that is,

but it's low. Now, you could give us a nice bump.

Nick, we need that bump.

You could do that.

I'm the bump? You're the bump.

Do they know I can grow a full beard in a day and a half?

That's sexy.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Hey, everybody.

Hey, honey. How was your day?

It was kinda odd.

Get this...

Peterson told me that I was voted one of Seattle's

sexiest news personalities.

Oh! By who?

Some online magazine.

Okay! Well, go on with your sexy self.

We're gonna have to celebrate.

What's so funny?

Nothing. I was just thinking of something I saw today on, um...

CNN.

Hey, Dad.

Since you're Seattle's Sexiest News Personality,

can you give me a few style tips? I'm trying to up my game.

You don't have a game.

Why do you think I'm tryin' to up it?

Okay, so, honey. What do they do, anyway?

Do they give you a trophy or something?

Actually, they want me to do a photoshoot tomorrow.

A photoshoot?

Yeah! I mean...

But I told Peterson that I would just think about it, you know?

Honey, what's there to think about?

You should totally do it.

You think? Yes! It'll be fun.

Besides, when are you gonna get a chance to do something like this again?

Probably never.

You don't know that.

Dad, no offence,

but old is not sexy.

You're even older than that guy in Transformers.

Marlon Wayans?

No, he was in G.I. Joe.

Don Cheadle.

No, he was in Iron Man. She's talking about Tyrese.

Tyrese was in Transformers?

Yeah. The point is you're old.

You know, I don't remember asking you about this.

You know who else has memory problems?

Old people.

Don't get choked.

Honey, don't pay attention to her, okay?

You're not old.

You need to do this. I insist.

Okay. All right.

I'll do it. But, only 'cause you want me to.

Good.

And when your picture is plastered all over billboards

along the waterfront, I will look up and say...

That guy is older than Tyrese. What is he doing up there?

Weren't you texting somebody? Huh?

Besides, honey. What is the point of being in such great shape

if you don't get to show it off every once in a while?

That's what I always say.

Oh, my glutes.

What is this?

Bye.

Uh, she's a little old for you, isn't she?

That's Naomi. She is my psychic.

Why do you need a psychic?

I was with this girl. She thought it would be fun to go get a reading.

Girl didn't work out. But Naomi did.

She called it that night.

She said the girl was no good for me.

That she'd flake out and I should move on.

She said all this in front of the girl?

Yeah. Then wouldn't you know it, right in the middle of the reading

this girl flips out, starts screaming,

"How can I possibly take this woman seriously?"

and, "She never should have gone out with me."

Total flake.

So I moved on.

And I have been listening to Naomi ever since.

When did all this happen?

Last night.

Right around the same time you started squeezing into those pants.

What is with this look?

Oh, this?

This is nothing.

I just came back from a photoshoot

for Seattle's Sexiest News Personality.

You look like you went to a garage sale at Kanye West's house.

Is this how you're gonna be dressing from now on?

'Cause if so, I will need sunglasses.

As a matter of fact, I will be dressing like this for a while.

I like the look.

Plus, after the photoshoot, they let me keep the clothes.

You wore that in photos?

This and a bunch of other stuff. Why?

Well, it's just a little bit loud for you.

Now, if you decide to start a gay parking valet service, then yeah, I'd wear that.

Whatever, man.

The photographer said it looked good on camera.

Off-camera it looks ridiculous.

Hey, guys.

Morning!

Oh, sweetheart, don't you look nice.

Nice? Try "sexy."

Tried. You failed. Life goes on.

Don't listen to her.

You do you, player!

What is that... smell? It smells like...

sea and sand.

Oh, yeah. That's my cologne.

I hope it's not my cologne.

Don' worry, Dad. It's definitely not yours.

He cracked open on of those plug-in air fresheners and rubbed it all over himself.

Which for the record in case you didn't know is gross.

Kevin, go wash that off.

Mom! I smell good.

It's meant to destroy bathroom odors.

Good morning!

Mornin'.Mornin'.

Well... If it isn't...

Let me get this right.

"The sexiest news personality in Seattle."

The photos are out already?

That's not all that's out.

What're you talkin' about?

Pow!

Gross!

Dad, where's your shirt?

Oh, my gosh. This is going to be so embarrassing.

Oh, don't worry. Nobody's gonna see it. It's just the newspaper.

Wrong.

Pow!

Hey...

Uh, what happened to all your shirt-on pictures?

I don't know. They told me they weren't gonna use this one.

Oh, and you fell for that?

Man, that's what they tell everybody that does something naked.

That's what they told Kim Kardashian.

That's what they told Paris Hilton.

That's what they told Sharon Stone.

Okay, okay. You through?

No. That's what they told Scarlett Johansson.

That's what they told Britney Spears.

Okay, Gigi. Enough.

And, although I'd have preferred to know they were gonna use these shots,

Babe, I gotta say, you look good.

Let me see.

Oh, no!

One of my friends posted your picture and tagged me in it.

Great! Now I'll have to deal with this all day.

Lindsey, it's not that bad.

That's what they told Vanessa Hudgens.

That's what they told Dr. Laura.

That's what they told Pamela Anderson...

Hey! Hey! Pam Anderson posed naked for a living.

Not at first.

Hey, Nick! Hey!

How's the Sexiest News Personality in the building doing?

Looks like you're a hit.

Yeah... Uh.

I had no idea I'll be getting this much attention.

Even after you took your shirt off?

It's weird. You take your clothes off, people notice.

You know, I'd have done it, you know, but I don't have, uh, you know...

What's all this business.

Abs.Abs.

Yeah. Where do you get those?

I work out.Ah...

Yeah, I can't work out. I'm lazy.

Excuse me, Nick. Can you just sign some of these?

Oh! Where did you get all these?

Off the internet.

Who are all of these for?

Uh, just some women in the building.

Oh, oh, oh.

Can you make out the last one to me?

Jennifer.

Your name is Jennifer?

Uh, yeah.

Like our anchorwoman?

Yes.

Right.

Thank you. Here you go, Jennifer.

Piece of advice, Nick.

It starts with a story.

1975.

After doing a controversial yet

artistic spread in Playgirl,

I was thrust into the warm bosom of fame.

Some were jealous, Nick.

Some were obsessed.

You can't please everyone, so don't try.

Just own who and what you are.

You know what you are?

I'm a sportscaster.No.

You're a naked sportscaster.

A sexy, naked sportscaster.

And now there's no turnin' back. You go for it.

Let it do what it do.

Thank you.

Hey, everybody, look who it is!

The sexiest man in Seattle, Nick Kingston-Persons.

All right. Drinks half-off for the next seven minutes.

Also, photos with Cardboard Nick, only $2!

Photos with real Nick, $1!

It costs more to take a picture with cardboard me than me?

Well, he's got his shirt off.

So, all these people are here for me, huh?

Naomi said you'd bring money into the bar.

She just didn't say how.

Yes? You're Martin, right? You own the bar?

No, I'm his twin brother Arthur. I just wait tables here. I don't own anything.

Oh! Well, if you see him, tell him I'm looking for him.

Dude! What is up with that?

She's blond.

You love blonds.

Not since Naomi told me to stay away from them.

Are you serious?

As a french fry to a fat kid.

Can I get a picture with Nick?

Okay, sure.

Oh, no, no. Not you. That one.

Move aside, please. Thank you.

Perfect, ladies.

Can we get one with you, too?

Okay...

Do you have a dollar?

Yep, there you go. Thanks.

All right. Gather around, ladies.

All right. Say "sell-out!"

No, sexier, girls.

Dad. First, you're all over the internet naked.

And now, you pick me up wearing that suit?

I mean, seriously. You look like the black Tweety Bird.

Dad, if you're trying to embarrass me to death,

can't you just get on crack or somethin'?

Your teachers loved it.

That's because they're old.

You're old, and you all need to stop.

Mom, can't I just please be home-schooled or something?

At least until Dad throws away all his suits.

Uh... We'll talk about it.

Well, this sexy thing is really workin' out for me.

This morning, this girl Brianna, asked to be my partner on a project.

Oh. What project?

Project "What you doin' later on?"

Gimme some!

Sexy is as sexy does.

I know that's right. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've to go call Brianna.

Play on, player.

Nick. Yes?

Are you wearing my scarf?

No, I'm not wearing your scarf. It's an Ascot.

That is not an Ascot, Roland Martin.

That is my scarf, and why are you wearing it?

'Cause I didn't have an Ascot.

Nick, the only reason you would need an Ascot

is if you plan on getting a job working at the Kentucky Derby.

And listen. If you start wearing my make-up, this marriage is over.

There's a big difference between wearing an Ascot and lipstick.

Honey. It's not that big.

Oh! What're you tryin' to say?

You know it's fashion-forward, Suzanne!

I'm not worried about you.

Good!

Hey, man. What's going on?

I walked all the way here.

Here's your share of the money for the photos.

What's wrong with your car?

Naomi said something bad was going to happen and that I should avoid driving,

and technology.

Technology? What does that mean?

I don't know. She was about to tell me the rest but then her phone died.

If this woman was really a psychic,

wouldn't she have known her phone was about to die?

You don't even have to be psychic to know that.

There are clues right there on the phone.

All I know is, she hasn't steered me wrong yet.

So, I've been hiding in my house.

Are you sure this woman is not just tryin' to take your money?

Hey! Naomi is the real deal.

As far as I'm concerned, she's worth every penny.

All right, look, I was thinkin',

that maybe we can have a little celebration down at the bar,

and instead of using the cardboard me, I'll host it.

Yeah... I gonna have to talk to Naomi first.

She said something bad was going to happen, and...

that "something bad" could happen at the bar, I can't risk it.

Well, how're you gonna talk to Naomi if you can't use your phone?

Don't answer that!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Technology.

We need to talk.

About how lame you're playing right now? Yeah, let's talk about that.

No. About these clothes.

I don't think they're doin' what you want them to.

What? The girls love the new me.

Have you noticed how?

Who cares how? You should.

They feel safe around you.

A guy should make a girl feel secure.

They wanna talk to you.

Yeah! Girls love it when guys listen.

They wanna go shopping with you.

Shopping?

Shopping.

Well, you don't think they think... I think they think that.

Oh, man.

For girls, there's only two friendzones.

One's never getting a shot, and the other's never wanted a shot.

Right now, you're in group B.

I want a shot.

Then dial back the sexy, JT.

It's not just the fedora.

I'm gonna go change.

Hey, Nick. You have a minute?

Nick?

What happened to "Sexy?"

I was boosting your ego because I needed something from you.

I was manipulating you.

I'm not sorry about it. I'd do it again in a minute if the situation called for it.

My point is, the ratings analysis came in last night, and it turns out,

that there's a spike in viewership because women ages 49 to 90

are tuning in to see you.

Unfortunately, men 18 to 49, AKA, men who watch sports,

are tuning out.

Advertisers are threatening to bail. They hate you, Sexy.

And, this...

It's over.

So, what does this mean?

We're actually gonna take you off the air for a couple of weeks,

while this blows over.

And when you come back, do me a favor,

don't wear this kind of thing.

Okay?

It's sports, Nick, not Project Runway.

Nick.

I heard what happened.

It sucks.

You were listening to our conversation.

Yeah.

Right over there, out of sight.

I guess, when you've been around as long as me, you learn to eavesdrop.

It could save your career.

I guess I could've warned you this was going to happen.

I mean, the same thing happened to me when I was your age.

Women just love it when you're sexy.

Men. Hate it.

You're a good guy, Nick. That was a good try.

Keep your shirt on next time.

Hey, guys.

Mom! Who are these people in our kitchen?

Well, we're the ugly police, and you're... Shut up!

What are you talkin' about?

Um, I don't think she recognizes you with your shirt on.

Lindsey, this is your father.

Father? Is that you?

Very funny.

Not as funny as... Shut up.

Well, seriously, guys. It is nice to see you both back to normal.

Well, I wish I could say that about Lindsey's... Shut up.

Face.

Whoa!

Wow! MARTIN: Hello, everybody.

Man, look who came out of the basement.

Oh, did your psychic send a telepathic message sayin' it was okay to come out?

No.

With 24 hours of complete isolation, I decided I couldn't live like that.

Picked up my phone, called Naomi, told her I no longer needed her services.

Oh. Good for you. How did she take it?

Well, a real psychic would've said, "I knew you were going to say that."

It's what she would say...

It's exactly what she said.

Oh. I guess she is the real deal.

Right. That's the problem. She was so precise, I couldn't handle it.

Oh! So knowing your tomorrows were ruining your todays.

That, and I am not quite ready to give up on blonds.

Even if it kills me.

Oh, Dad, look. Your sexy clothes are a trending topic on Twitter.

What're people saying?

JNP310 says "Nice picture. Hashtag TUFU"

"TUFU"? What's that mean?

You don't want to know.

Yes, I do want to know. That's why I asked.

It means, "Tore Up from the Floor Up."

Tore up from the floor up.

Shouldn't that be "TUFTFU"?

Well, SKP still thinks you're the sexiest man on TV.

"SKP"?

Suzanne Kingston-Persons.

Oh, baby!

Wow! What happened?

It's from the psychic. She says, "I liked Nick in his sexy clothes.

"Too bad it didn't last very long. Hashtag Blessyou."

"Bless you"?

I told you, she's good.

Get outta here.

Get outta here, man.