Original subtitles

Look at you.

Look at my baby! Mwah!

Thanksgiving mornin'.

All relaxed.

Man, this potluck dinner was a good idea.

Mm-hmm.

You know, babe, I love your cooking,

but calm you versus crazy, cussin',

"I don't know how I'mma get all this done

"before all these people come over," you...

I don't know. It's like...

Food, or crazy!

Or food, or crazy!

Okay, Nick, stop it.

It's not that bad.

Yes, it is.

And you are right. It was a great idea.

I'm so glad that I thought of it.

I sent out my RSVPs.

People told me what they're bringing.

I've got plates. I've got drinks.

I've got football on TV, an open door.

If people don't like the food, it's not my fault,

because all I'm responsible for

is the turkey.

What is he doing?

Oh, um, he's shooting a documentary

on Thanksgiving for his Social Studies class.

But why isn't he talking?

Because there is a God.

Because he says that real documentaries

are about the subjects and not the filmmaker.

Listen, all I know is,

this is going to be a perfect "4-F" Thanksgiving.

Okay?

Food, football, no Frank,

and more football.

All right, well, I guess I better get started.

Honey, can you grab the turkey

out of the refrigerator for me, please?

Mm-hmm! SUZANNE: Thank you.

Mmm-mmm-mmm!

Hey, babe, uh, are you sure you put it in here?

You don't see a giant turkey in there?

Is it disguised as a big empty space?

Oh, no.

I forgot to get the turkey!

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Baby,

I'll be back in a few with the turkey!

Okay!

Nick, Nick, Nick.

It's been too long.

Yes, sir! Yes, sir.

Hey, you treatin' my baby girl right?

Because if you ain't, you know I might have to hurt you.

Now I can hurt you.Uh-oh.

Now I ain't gonna tell you how I'mma do it.

Oh! Whoa! But I can do it if I have to!

Oh, me and Suzanne are great.

You better be.

Hello, Nick.

Oh, oh, wait.

She called me by my name! We do get along!

It was not that bad.

Oh, my babies.

Grandma! Look at you!

Mmm. Uh...

What is he doin'?

He's filming a documentary on Thanksgiving.

Boy, speak to people.

Hey.

Ding dong.

So, you guys are staying at Terrence's place, huh?

Ooh, yes, and it's wonderful!

Hey, Uncle Terrence,

how come we never go to your apartment?

Because it's a freaked-out bachelor pad, all right?

No place for kids.

Where is that again?

Come on, man, you know.

Remember that place I took you that time?

In that building?

With the bricks on it?

And it is decorated beautifully.

What was the name of that style, sweetheart?

Oh, yeah, that's, uh, shabby chic, Mama.

What, boochie? What was that?

Shabby chic?

Well, you've been watching too much design channel.

You was watchin' it with me.

Yeah, we ain't talkin' about me.

So, what's in the case?

Oh...

This is my secret-recipe dressin'.

Oh, that's great, boy.

I love stuffin'.

Did I say stuffin'?

This is dressin'. There's a difference.

What's the difference?

Boy,

if I got to tell you, you don't need to know.

Maybe that's 'cause you don't know.

Oh, I know!

Uh-uh, does Suzanne need any help with the turkey?

No! No, no, no, no. It's all good.

She's got it under control. Everything's good.

Hey, where's the TV? I'm ready to watch some football.

Oh, come on, Grandpa, I'll show you.

All right.

I'm going to go say hello.

All right, well, look, I'll be right back.

Wait, wait, wait. Where you going, milk dud?

I'm going to get somethin' from the store.

Don't tell me you're going to the grocery store.

Are you crazy?

Do you know how many dummies it is out there

that forgot they turkey on Thanksgiving Day,

and they at the store cussin', fightin', and killin'?

You don't want to get shot over no gizzard.

I'll be all right.

All right. Hurry up back, man. You gonna miss the game.

Put that stuffin' in the fridge.

Gigi,

what happened to you?

You're supposed to be in Aruba.

That's what I thought, Suzanne!

But I've been on a plane for nine hours.

We traveled exactly 200 feet!

What? Two-hundred feet!

There's some kind of weather system going up the eastern seaboard.

So, we're at our gate, right?

We pull away from the gate because some plane is landin',

and then we couldn't take off!

They're tellin' us every 20 minutes it's going to be another 40 minutes,

showin' us some movies,

and feedin' us some sandwiches.

And then everybody pretty much fell asleep.

Then, about 4:00 in the mornin',

everybody wakin' up and notice,

we still on the ground!

Everybody about lost it!

And by everybody, I mean me!

And I got tackled by an air marshal!

Tackled! And you know I kicked his...

The kids.

Sorry.Okay.

I'm hurtin'.I know.

So, no Aruba. No Aruba.

Okay.

And since I'm probably on the federal watch list now,

and I can't fly anywhere, I was hopin'...

That maybe, you know, I could come here.

Of course you can. Thank you.

You know you are always welcome. Thank you.

Anyway, it's really good to see you, because...

I'm a little freaked out.

Why? I forgot to buy the turkey.

You forgot to buy the turkey!

You forgot to buy the turkey? Yes.

That's like forgetting to buy the Christmas tree on Christmas, Suzanne.

That's like forgetting to buy the Easter eggs on Easter, Suzanne.

That's like forgetting to buy the flags on Flag Day!

Gigi! What?

I get it, okay? I get it, I get it.

Nick is out looking for one right now.

Looking for a turkey on Thanksgiving?

That's like buying a Christmas tree on Christmas.

That's like buying a flag... Gigi!

What? I'm sorry, I'm just hungry.

How's things at work?

Good.

How you and mama doing?

Good.

That's good.

Still on that Facebook?

No.

Good.

I heard the game was coming on.

That's good.

Supposed to be a good one.

That's good.

Hello. Hey! Happy Thanksgiving.

Come in, happy Thanksgiving.

Now, you must be Martin.

And you must be the lovely Pam.

Pam, this is my mother Erin.

Um, mom, this is Suzanne's mother.

Oh, my, you are beautiful.

Thank you.Uh...

Now, are you the mean one or the nice one?

Shh. I think I'm the nice one.

Oh, I hope so.

Hey, you want a brew?

Nah, I'm good.

Good.

Whoa! It almost time for that turkey ready, huh?

We be ready to eat in a few!

Don't worry, Daddy, it'll be ready.

Okay.

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Oh! Happy Thanksgiving!

Thank you for inviting me.

I know it was last minute,

but I did manage to whip up my famous beet salad.

Mmm, beet salad.

And, not to be outdone,

I have brought my world-famous

store-bought brown-and-serve dinner rolls.

Eh... Oh, bread girl.

Yes, funny.

Hey! Junior, Senior.

Happy Thanksgiving! Happy Thanksgiving!

That's the mean one.Ah.

Oh, please. Okay, Erin,

you are a fan of football, right?

You know I am.

All right, let's go watch the game! Let's go watch the game.

Martin, get the cheese!

Thank you.

Suzanne, I am so sorry I'm so late.

I had to stop and get a few ingredients.

Uh, are you done with the oven?

Actually, when Suzanne is done, I need to use it.

Hello, Pam. Hello, Marilyn.

Look, when you get done, would you let me know?

'Cause I need to whip up my mac and cheese.

Mac and cheese?

Yes, it doesn't travel well,

so I want to make it fresh for maximum impact.

Well, I am making mac and cheese.

I mean, it's Terrence's favorite.

That's because he hasn't tasted mine.

See, ladies, ladies,

you can never have enough macaroni and cheese,

especially today.

So, how about

you both make the macaroni and cheese, okay?

Problem solved, yay!

I need a drink.

So do I.

Nick, Nick, boy, you're missing a great game.

Oh, a great game, huh?

Uh, I'll bet it's a great game.

Ooh-whee, that's a game.

Okay, so did you get it?

Not quite.

Cornish hen?

Nick, what am I supposed to do with those?

Well, every place was out of turkeys, all right!

So, I thought this could work.

I mean, everyone gets one.

Think of it as the Thanksgiving version of the personal pan pizza.

Tsk. Nick, we need a turkey!

Mmm. Wait a minute.

You forgot the turkey?

Okay! Okay!

I might as well just tell everybody.

I forgot the turkey, okay?

What?

I'm sorry, okay! I'm working on it!

It's all right, sweetheart, it's no big deal.

Yes, it is.

Wait a minute. Stop the presses.

Did I hear this right?

We don't have no turkey?

Oh.

Now listen, boochie, you just go back

and you look at the game.

Now, between the Cornish hen, and my mac and cheese,

we'll be just fine.

No, Mama, we can't have no Thanksgiving without no turkey.

What you going to do about it, boochie, huh?

Go to a farm and kidnap one?

Look, do you want to go get a turkey?

Or you want to be the turkey?

Now let's go, milk dud!

Honey, I wanted to talk to you about something.

Could we sit down for a minute?

Look, Mom, if it's about the green bean casserole,

don't worry about it, I-I know you didn't have time to cook.

No, no, it's not about the green bean casserole.

Martin...

I'm gay.

Wha...

Gay? What do you mean, gay?

You mean like gay, gay?

Martin, I've been living with a woman for ten years.

Who? Who? Gayle!

Gayle? Gayle's not gay!

You guys are best friends. You're roommates.

You're like peas in a pod, like Laverne and Shirley!

Well, first of all, Laverne and Shirley were not gay.

Second of all, yes, Gayle is gay,

and honey, so am I.

Since when?

I can't understand why you can't

wrap your head around this.

The reason your father and I broke up

was because I'm gay.

I-I live with a woman because I'm gay.

I go on all the Rosie O'Donnell cruises.

And?

I go to the Lilith Fair!

So?

Martin, I have season tickets for the WNBA!

Dear God, it's true.

Hmm.

So, you use box cheese.

Don't worry about what I use.

Lindsey, less textin', more gratin'!

Put your wrist into it.

Well, if you don't mind,

I need her to stir, so my sauce doesn't get lumpy.

She wasn't finished gratin' my cheese.

Well, you are about to start gratin' my nerves.

Okay, hold up, hold up.

One at a time.

First I'll grate some cheese,

then I'll stir the sauce. I got this.

She gratin' my cheese first.

Blood is thicker than water.

That's what you think.

Now, that was a great hit.

Are you kidding? That was an illegal head butt.

Ah, Palmer always plays dirty.

No, that was a good hit. Just because Palmer plays like a girl...

He does not play like a girl.

He's a punk.

I know plenty of girls who play a lot harder than that.

Yeah, what kind of girls are those?

Gay ones.

My mother is gay.

Martin, when did you find out?

What do you mean when did I find out?

You knew?

Oh, honey, everybody knew.

Wait a second, are you saying that

everybody here knew that my mother was gay, and no one told me?

Yes!

All right, then, so you must know Ellen, right?

What's she like?

No, I-I don't know Ellen.

All gay people don't know each other.

Hmm.

Hey, hey! Did y'all know that she was gay?

Yeah, we knew that. We knew she was gay.

So, did you get it?

Do it look like we got it?

Well, listen, don't get mad at me.

Your sister's the one who forgot.

I'm just trying to be supportive.

Well, be supportive by not asking so many stupid questions.

I don't know, that's asking a lot of Gigi.

You know what, shut up.

Hey, speaking of stupid questions, I got to know.

What's up with Chaz Bono?

I know where you can find a turkey.

Oh, now you got somethin' to say?

Well, I was trying to stay focused on my film

and remain out of the story,

but you guys didn't leave me much choice.

Boy, how can we get a turkey?

I found it online.

I typed in, "Where to find a turkey on Thanksgiving?"

This guy popped up.

He's a turkey broker.

A turkey broker?

Yeah, he's on Craigsleest.

But why are you saying it with a Spanish accent?

I-I'm not. That's the website.

Craigsleest. L-E-E-S-T.

What kind of bootleg website is that?

Man, send me the link.

Okay.

Are you going to buy a turkey

from a crazy man on the internet?

Well, it's either that,

or we need to start cooking up these Cornish hens.

Ugh! Ugh!

Yay!

Who dat?

Uh...

Yeah, we saw your ad on the internet.

Uh, we're here to get a turkey?

You a cop?

Is your mama a cop?

Is your daddy a cop?

Man, don't be talking about my daddy.

Hey, hey, calm down, boy.

Whoa, okay, look, we're just here to get a turkey.

Password.

Password? Man, you put an ad on the internet, bruh.

There was a password at the bottom.

Come on, man, what's your little password, huh?

Gobble, gobble?

Come on in.

That was it?

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving.

So, I hear you guys are in need of some product.

Yeah, well, see, my wife was supposed to get the turkey, and then she...

This look like Judge Joe Brownto you?

Do I need to hear your story?

I asked you a question. You speak English, right?

Usted habla ingles?

Oh, y'all think y'all funny, huh?

You think you know a little Spanish, said a little something?

Tu no eres chistoso.

¿De verdad?

Claro.

Wait, what is this, Telemundo, or are y'all selling turkey?

Man, I do not have time for this.

I got people at the house, bruh. Let's make this happen.

Oh, you in a hurry? Why you in a rush?

I just said I have people at the house.

Did I ask you all that? Have a seat.

You testifying like you in front the senate sub-committee.

That's what you do? You testify?

You nervous, man? What's wrong with you

You wanna be on C-SPAN?

Huh? No, no, I-I just want a turkey.

You said that, man. Why you saying it again?

You making me nervous, man. Yo, this a sting?

Uh, n-no.

Wait, whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Hold up, hold up, hold up.

Pull them triggers,

and we all go boom.

Now, which one of you monkeys want to jump?

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Okay? Listen.

All right? What's your name, bruh?

Why you asking me my name?

You want to tell somebody my name?

No, no, look. Uh...

Hey, man, look, check this out.

My name is Nick, okay?

Nick Kingston-Persons, all right?

I'm a TV sports commentator, all right.

For KAWT.

Oh, I know who you are. Oh, wait a minute.

You, um, work with that Asian dame.

Jennifer Ming.

Buzz, that's your girl.

Yeah, I like me some Jennifer Ming.

Okay, listen, all right.

Now that you know my name,

I need to know your name, so I can call you that out of respect, bruh.

It's Arlo.

Arlo? ARLO: Mm-hmm.

What kind of name is that for a...

Hey, hey, man!

Listen, Arlo is a nice name.

It's a nice name, bruh.

Okay, now, Arlo,

listen, nobody wants to get blown up.

Nobody wants to get shot, all right.

Nobody wants to testify.

Nobody wants to be on C-SPAN, bruh.

You keep telling me what you don't want.

What do you want?

A damn turkey, fool!

What's wrong with you, man? You got ADD?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

Listen, listen, listen, Arlo, Arlo,

right here, Arlo, right here, man.

We just want a turkey, that's all.

Frozen, thawed, or cooked?

I'm not sure.

And seeing as you have all these people in your house,

and your wife is waiting,

if it were me, I'd go with thawed or cooked.

A turkey takes a day to defrost,

four hours to cook,

and 30 minutes to settle before it's carved.

Now you can get it frozen, but if you do,

that means you'll be eating your turkey tomorrow.

And look, you have people at your house,

not mine.

Uh, I-I'll take the cooked turkey.

Buzz, get them a 20.

You got a scale?

Yup. Hand it here.

Ah, okay.

That's about 19 pounds, seven ounces.

Three bills. Buzz, swipe them up.

$300 for a damn turkey?

Look, this is delicious,

juicy, cooked turkey,

on Thanksgiving, so yeah, trescientos.

All right? And if you can find it somewhere else for cheaper,

then go get it and bring one back for me.

Buy the bird.

Got a credit card?

Cock-a-doodle-doo, y'all.

Thanksgiving is back on!

I did it. I did it.

Uh! Bam!

Oh, honey, honey,

thank you, thank you, I love you.

You saved Thanksgiving.

Wait a minute. We saved Thanksgiving.

You know, you boys missed two great games.

Each of them, came down to the wire.

Of course, they did.

Okay, boy, can you turn that camera off

so we can eat?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Mmm.

Grandma, your macaroni and cheese is delicious

Thank you.

What about mine?

Mmm! Yours is really good too.

Let me taste that.

Mmm!

This is good!

Before we all get started, I just want to say one thing.

This has been the best Thanksgiving ever.

I got to see my baby girl.

My grandchildren are all grown up.

I got to meet a gay lady.

But the best part of it has been

spending time with you, Junior.

Aww.

Well, you two barely talked.

Spent all afternoon grunting one-word answers at each other.

What you talking about? We've been talking all day.

Yeah, I mean, we talked about the game. We talked about his job.

Yeah, he told me he's not on Facebook as much.

And the fact that y'all getting along fine.

Aww.

It's been good.

G-O-double-D.

I just want to know one thing, all right.

Can somebody tell me the difference

between dressin' and stuffin'?

I can.

If it's outside the turkey, it's dressin'.

If it's inside, it's stuffin'.

Oh! That boy is a genius.

My grandson is smart.

That ain't it. That ain't it.