Original subtitles

I still don't understand how this happened.

Dad, I told you.

The bathroom floor was wet,

I was putting my toothbrush back,

my feet slipped, and I fell.

Oh.

So, Lindsey, this is your fault.

My fault?

How many times have I told you

to wipe up the floor when you get out of the shower?

It's like you get in there, aim the nozzle at the floor,

and then spray it like it's a fire hose.

She's right about that.

You get out of the shower, I thought one of the levees broke.

Lindsey, not cleaning up after yourself,

not only is it nasty, but, honey, it is dangerous.

My poor baby.

Thanks, Mom.

Ah!

Oh, whoa. Hey, man.

It's gonna take you a minute to get used to that cast.

I had one on my hand when I was playing football.

You never know what you do with your hand until you can't use it.

You can't button your shirt,

you can't play video games, open a bottle of ketchup.

You have to hold it out of the shower.

You can't hold a nacho.

Don't get me started on the itching.

And if you itchin' while you holdin' a nacho, it's crazy.

So for the next week, I'm either gonna itch or starve to death?

Okay, no, sweetheart.

All right, now, listen, you will itch, but...

Lindsey, can you move over for your brother, please?

Argh! Thank you.

But I promise you, you will not starve to death,

because your sister is gonna be here to give you whatever you need.

Oh, well, in that case, Lindsey,

I'm a little hungry. Can you grab me a granola bar?

Seriously?

Do I look like I'm kidding?

Oh, and some milk too. I'm a little parched.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Ma.

Where are you going looking like

you about to do the electric slide on the Tom Joyner's boat cruise?

If that's your way of saying I look good, then thank you.

Marilyn, you don't just look good, you look amazing.

Well, uh...

That was the intention.

Phew! I'm goin' out.

I just had to come by here and see

how this baby broke his arm brushin' his teeth.

Now, sweetie, if your mama hurt you,

you can tell Marilyn.

You're safe now.

Mom didn't hurt me. The bathroom floor was wet.

I was getting my toothpaste, and I slipped.

Oh.

Wait. Kevin, I thought you said

you were putting your toothbrush back?

Oh, I was, but after I put it back,

I was going to squeeze the tube down,

'cause it was all lumpy.

Oh.

Ooh!

Now, I'm family, so I know that was an accident.

But you do that on the streets,

you gonna catch a serious case.

Sorry.

So...

Who's the guy?

His name is "Nunya."

Nunya? What is he, African?

Baby, "Nunya"? None-ya business?

Ma, we talked about this.

And we are not talking about it again.

I need to know who is with my mother.

Now, how long have you two been going out?

Long enough to know it's none of your business.

What's he do for a living?

He minds his own business.

How old is he?

Forty. It's not your business.

Okay, Marilyn.

You don't normally look like this for just anybody.

You obviously like him.

Ma, I need to meet this guy.

Why? So you can mess it up? I don't think so.

And don't you have a kid with a suspicious injury

you need to be paying attention to?

Okay, Marilyn, why don't you want us to meet him?

I don't mind him meeting you. It's him.

Anytime I get serious about anybody,

he gets all crazy and runs them off.

I do not run these guys off.

I let these guys know that if they don't come correct with you,

they gonna have a problem with me, all right?

And if they get scared,

that probably means that maybe they were up to no good, Ma.

Or...

It could be that you were parked outside their place of business

looking like a leg-breaker from the mob.

That was one time!

Well, it was one time too many.

Now, I'm out, and don't you try to follow me.

And may I suggest that child not break anything else.

You know what I'm saying? Ooh!

She need to cover all that up.

All right, Terrence. Thanks, man.

All right.

But, as soon as you find something out, you let me know, all right?

Yes. Now, look, what's that?

What's what?

May I help you?

Are you Nick? Yeah.

Nick, I'm Robert Barnes, and I'm dating your mother.

So, I just wanted to look you in the eye,

man to man,

and tell you that your mother is in good hands.

I didn't tell you you could sit down.

You mind if I sit down?

Go and sit down.

Let me ask you something, man.

Aren't you a little young for my mother?

Nick, I'm into women, not girls.

Could I get some 20-something girl

with a tattoo on her back and a purse the size of a suitcase?

Yes.

But I've been down that road. It ends in a shoe store.

Young girls are crazy.

They can't cook, and they need more attention

than a match left by a bucket of gas.

But your mother is a grown woman.

She knows who she is. She knows what she wants.

If she wants me,

I'd like you to be good with that.

Look, I'm not trying to get all up in your business,

but I just don't want her to get hurt.

I understand.

I'm easy to hate.

You should know. You were in my shoes once.

Marilyn told me that your stepkids didn't like you at first.

That's 'cause they didn't know you.

Then they got a chance to know you,

turns out, you're a great guy.

I'm just asking you to give me the same chance.

Hold that thought.

Where's Suzanne?

I've been waitin' in the car for, like, two minutes.

Is she ready?

Ready? She's asleep. Asleep?

What are you doing here?

What do you mean, what am I doing here?

Suzanne and I have a black-tie dinner

with the board of directors of the EMP.

So wake her up. We got to go.

No, she told me about that. That's not for a few more days.

No, no, it's-it's today, the fifth, at 9:00 p.m.

No, no, it's on the ninth at 5:00 p.m.

I know because I have to be home early.

So you mean to tell me I put on this dress,

hired a car, and came rushing over here for nothing?

I'm sure there's still a few places open tonight

that'll let you in if you don't want to waste that dress.

Hmm. So, who do we have here?

Gigi... Uh-huh.

This is Robert.Robert.

My mother's boyfriend.

Mother... What?

Marilyn, your mother?

Yep.

Oh, well, oh, okay.

Go, Marilyn.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Well, so do you have a twin brother into younger women?

No, I'm afraid I don't.

Mmm, I'm afraid that sucks.

It does.

Yeah, it does.

Nick, I should get going. All right.

Thank you for hearing me out.

Gigi. Hmm?

Good luck.Ooh.

Wow.

Nick, what is up with that?

Men my age aren't dating women my age anymore.

They're, like, either into older women

because of the whole cougar thing,

or they're into younger women because of the whole stupid thing.

I mean, come on.

It's like if you're a woman between the ages of 25 and 45,

you are in the dead zone.

And now I know why 30-year-old women

are dating eighth grade boys.

That's all that's left.

That is a bold move.

Walking into your house, throwing down the gauntlet like that.

He didn't throw down the gauntlet.

He just said that he wanted me to be cool

with him seeing my mother.

Well, listen, man,

he's not the only younger guy to want an older woman.

You just don't see it that often, so it seems kind of odd.

But your mama's no slouch.

Remember, I did hook up with her friend that time,

and for a short while, it did ruin me.

So what are you now, Team Robert?

No, I'm just saying that if she likes him and he likes her,

there's nothing you can do.

I guess.

I don't know. I guess, I...

I just... I'm just not used to the idea of her being with somebody.

I mean, for the longest time, it was just the two of us.

I know exactly how you feel,

'cause for the longest time, it was just you and me.

Then Suzanne comes along and kicks me to the curb.

But you need to do what's right for you, and I respect that.

I only want you to be happy, Nick.

You're making me real uncomfortable.

Yeah, sorry.

Hey, Ma.

Don't, "Hey, Ma," me.

I don't know what you up to,

but you might as well get to it.

So why am I here?

Follow me.Okay.

Come on, Ma. Come on... Nah, nah, come on. Come on.

Boy, give me... Come on, come on, over.

Sit down. Sit down.

Good mommy. Good mommy.

What do you want?

Well, I just wanted you to know

that from here on out,

I am not gonna interfere in your personal life.

If you like Robert and he likes you,

then that's cool with me.

You know, I'm gonna mind my own business and stay out of it.

Good.

I don't know what you're getting so bent out of shape for anyway.

I mean, I like the man, but it's not that serious.

Are you sure about that?

Yes.

Baby, I am much too mature to be runnin' around jumpin' into relationships,

no holds barred.

Honestly, he's moving a little too fast for my taste.

He invited me to go to Mexico with him.

Mexico? Mm-hmm.

He's got some kind of deal going on with vacation properties.

He said it can be a working vacation.

He'll be working, I'll be on vacation.

Wow. Free trip to Mexico.

Well, he's paying for it,

but it ain't free.

Oh, Ma!

TMI, Ma! TMI!

Are you sure he's coming?

Terrence? Yeah,

but you know how he is, always trying to sneak up on somebody.

Oh, that's how I am?

Whoa! Son of a...

How long have you been sitting there?

Long enough to know it takes too long to get a damn drink in this place.

Did you order one?

What the hell you think I'm sitting here doin', orderin' a book?

What did you find out about Robert?

Not as much as I wanted to.

See, I was on the job when you called me, man,

so I was only able to do a preliminary check, all right?

And I got his birth certificate,

school records, military records,

dental records, employment history, his last home address,

and even his dating records. Okay.

Now, the man got a little real estate going on in Mexico,

and this sucker done watch New Jack Cityover 12 times.

You found all that out with a preliminary check,

what do you find out when you go in-depth?

I get to find out how long it takes to get a beer.

Now, look at this man, he's sitting here, empty glass,

I'm parched, okay,

and you just standing there like somebody's gonna bring us a beer.

Somebody is gonna bring you a beer.

Spasiba.

Nice pronunciation.

Thank you. Ebonics.

Can I get you anything else, comrade?

I'll let you know.

So, Robert's cool?

I'll let you know once I do a full package on him.

So, there isn't actually such a thing as dating history, is there?

Oh, yeah.

They find out who you went out with,

where you met, and why you broke up.

They know everything.

I'm gonna go make a phone call.

Yeah, you do that.

Thanks, man.

You know, she's going with him down to Mexico.

It makes me feel a whole lot better about this whole thing.

Mexico?

Sound like a little work, a little play.

And there ain't nothing wrong with that.

Yeah.

Now, if you told me he was getting serious

and trying to marry her,

see, that's the love game.

That's an old-school hustle.

I wouldn't worry about Robert, man.

He seems like a nice guy,

and Mama Nicky ain't no slouch.

I been checking her out...

Hey, hey! That's my mama, man.

I'm just statin' that.

Don't worry, man.

Just look at that girl.

Knock, knock. Hey, Uncle Terrence.

Hey, man, I brought you a broken arm burger.

Thanks.

Uncle Terrence, I didn't know you were comin'.

You do now.

Hey, nephew, it's good to see

that you a member of the Broken Bones Club.

Man, I remember when I joined. I was about three.

I fell out of a tree and broke my wrist.

Ah, it was the happiest day of my life.

Uh, what were you doing in a tree at three years old?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Besides,

I ask all the questions here.

How did you break your arm, man, brushing your teeth?

Right? That's what I've been saying.

He says it was because the bathroom floor was wet,

and he slipped.

Slipped? LINDSEY: Mm-hmm.

Oh, really?

Oh, these are some good fries.

I know.

They better than that cockamamie story

you told about breaking your arm.

That story's true.

Can't be.

Now, here's what happened, all right.

You say you slipped.

If you slipped forward, you'd have caught yourself on the counter.

If you slipped back,

you'd have busted your big head on the side of the tub.

That's not how you broke your arm.

Now, if you told me you did a back-flip off the staircase,

then maybe that's something I could believe.

Oh...

A what?

A back-flip off...

Uncle Terrence, why would I do a back-flip off some stairs?

'Cause you young, you stupid,

and you my nephew.

How you think I got up the tree?

I don't know what you're talking about.

That was a good one. Aw, too soon.

You did a back-flip off the stairs?

Look, I had to try, all right?

Johnny Knoxville was auditioning kids

for his new show, Jackass Junior.

Man,

you went from Jackass Junior to black-ass junior

in one flip.

Wow.

Well, it sounds like you guys had a great time.

Oh, Cabo was amazing.

I think I could live there.

Yeah, you should.

Like I've been saying, the time to get in is now.

And the great thing about it is, at these prices,

even if you change your mind later, you still come out on top.

That's how I ended up buying a place down there.

You own a place in Mexico?

Oh, it's a little more than a "place."

Nick, this looks amazing.

You know how we're always trying to plan a last-minute vacation?

This could be ours.

Look, if you guys want in, just let me know.

I mean, talk about it.

All I need is a check for 10% down,

and we can do the paperwork,

and you guys can start planning your Mexican vacation.

This may sound crazy,

but what if we all go in

and buy a big villa together with Marilyn?

Yeah, that does sound crazy.

Why are you always tryin' to horn in on my fun?

Ma, that's a good idea. We should do this.

I guess.

Oh, I'm so excited.

I'm gonna get my checkbook. Aha!

This is great.

You know, Marilyn,

when I met you and your family,

I got a great feeling.Oh...

Marilyn, I think you're a wonderful woman.

Tsk. Aw...

And I want to keep our groove going

for as long as we can.

Marilyn,

would you make me the happiest man on earth and marry me?

What?

Oh, Robert.

You know, Robert, I'm not one to rush into things.

Don't rush, then, Ma. Don't rush.

But, I'm more than a little surprised. I'm shocked.

I'm shocked too.

I mean, this ring is beautiful,

but I didn't expect this.

Me neither.

I understand if you need to take some time to make your decision.

All I can say is, you know where to find me.

Robert, here's your check.

Oh, thank you.

Ah, baby, if you will excuse me,

why don't you think about it

while I run this out to the car? I'll be right back.

Okay.

Oh, really?

Were you really gonna come right back?

Terrence, I was just gettin' ready to call you, man.

He proposed! He proposed! The old-time hustler move!

I know.

Wh-what's going on?

You gonna sit there

with that big ol' head

and pretend like you don't know what's going on.

Let me show you.

Now, why don't you stick around for a minute?

Let me explain to you.

All right, everybody,

I'd like to introduce you to my man, Robert T. Barnes,

AKA Robert Perry,

AKA Bernet Roberts,

also known as

the big-time hustlin' con man.

What?

Marilyn, don't listen to him.

I don't even know what he's talking about.

Hey, man, you keep lyin',

and I'm gonna let Guillermo go all cartel on you.

Wait, wait, wait. Terrence,

then why did you tell me he checked out clean?

That was the preliminary check.

I didn't check the Mexican Internet.

Wait a minute.

You mean to tell me you had Terrence check out Robert?

Yup.

Nick, how could you?

I just picked up the phone and called him.

Now, my man, Guillermo,

done found a lot of bad stuff on your boy.

Check fraud...

Insurance scams...

Realty scams...

Tell 'em, Guillermo!

I just told them.

Tell them again!

Y'all don't know Spanish, but that don't sound good.

So, all of this is a lie?

I'm afraid so, Mama Nick.

This man done told so many lies,

he probably don't even know his own name.

What? See?

So,

is this ring even real?

Let me see that.

Oh, yeah, that's real. That's a rock right there.

But he uses that to reel you in.

What? Oh, no. Wait a minute. Wait, wait.

What about the timeshares?

Terrence, I saw those with my own two eyes.

Yeah, but every place he showed you

was somebody else's construction site.

He had the brochures made at the copy shop.

Give me back my check.

I knew I didn't like you!

You know, the one time in my life

I get with somebody you should've ruined it with,

you tell me to dive in headfirst.

And for the record,

I was going to say no.

Psych!

All right, y'all, we got to get big head locked up,

'cause we got a plane to catch.

Marilyn, I don't even know if it matters,

but I truly enjoyed our time together.

You're a wonderful woman.

I'm sorry.

Oh, you're not sorry yet, but you will be.

I know people in prison,

big, hairy people.

Well,

at least I got to keep the ring.

Marilyn, are you okay?

Hey, I got a diamond ring,

a free trip to Mexico,

spent a few days with a handsome guy.

I'm cool.

You're the one that almost got suckered.

I thought I raised you better than that.

You are pitiful.

That's what you get for doing all that groovin'.