Original subtitles

Okay, guys, we're gonna record one of Harold's segments,

then we're coming straight back to you.

Oh, boy.

Another Harold Bradley segment.

Here we go.

I think he's sweet.

Well, sweet and boring.

Look, I hope you took a nap,

because if you didn't, you're about to.

His rants are longer than that movie Inception,

and more confusing.

Okay. Five, four,

three, two...

I'm Harold Bradley,

and the way I see it,

there's too many kinds of apples.

Every time we look up, they've got another.

There's Granny Smith, and Fuji,

and Braeburn, Gala, Red Delicious.

Apples?

Is that what he's worried about? Apples?

Look, last week it was, "Who wears sneakers with suits?"

His commentaries are so dull,

they couldn't cut warm butter.

They're so boring, they wouldn't play them on C-SPAN.

Are you serious? Apples?

Jonagold, Pippin, Rome Beauty.

They even have an Arkansas Black apple.

Hmm, wouldn't you think a black apple

would be from Atlanta or Detroit?

Now, when I was a boy, we had two types of apples,

one with worms and one without.

When Harold Bradley was a boy,

apples were forbidden.

His mama was like, "Adam, let that boy have an apple."

All I'm saying is,

if we have over 7,000 kinds of apples,

we should have more than one kind of apple pie.

I'm Harold Bradley,

and that's the way I see it.

Huh? Huh? What? What? Is it over? Huh?

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Look, I hope you took a nap,

because if you're didn't, you're about to.

Rants are longer than that movielnception...

Hey, guys. What's up?

Oh, man. Dad, you're hilarious.

Like, all my friends' parents

are totally talking about you.

What did I do?

Nick, you don't know about this?

When Harold Bradley was a boy, apples were forbidden.

Is that me? Yes.

Somebody leaked a recording of you talking about Harold Bradley.

His commentaries are so dull,

they couldn't cut warm better.

They're so boring, they wouldn't play them on C-SPAN. Apples?

Boy, turn that off.

Babe, what were you thinking?

I wasn't thinking somebody was recording me.

Hey, look. A remix.

What?

Yeah, somebody took your rant, and his rant, and remixed it.

♪ The way I see it...

♪ I hope you took a nap Took a nap, took a nap

♪ Because if you didn't You're about to

♪ There's too many kinds of apples... ♪

Okay, okay, Kevin, that's enough.

Hey, Kevin, can you send that to me?

I wanna use it as my ringtone.

No, he cannot send it to you

so you can use it as your ringtone.

This is not good.

Nobody was supposed to hear that.

I can't believe they leaked it.

I can.

They did it to Joe Biden. Why wouldn't they do it to you?

Anybody ask you, punk?

Where's your father?

He already left for work. What's wrong?

I need to get on Facebook.

Everybody and their brother keeps telling me

about this clip of him talking about Harold Bradley.

They keep asking me, "Why would he do that?"

I don't even know what he did.

We can help you. Yeah, it's really easy.

I can't believe you don't have your own page.

Why would I?

So you can talk to people.

I already talk to people.

But this way, you can actually talk to people

without actually having to talk to them.

I am not getting the point of this.

It's just really cool.

You can post photos, videos.

You can write on somebody's wall.

Wait, write on somebody's wall?

So, now I got to get online to write on somebody's wall?

It's not an actual wall. It's virtual.

Okay, let me get this straight.

I got to get online to write on a fake wall,

watch videos, and not talk to people. And that's cool?

Yeah.

All I want to know is,

when did the world get hit in the head with a hammer?

Well, come on, let's go.

Harold, uh,

can I talk to you for a second?

Well, shall I turn around?

I know how you enjoy talking about me behind my back.

Come on, Harold. It's not like that.

It's not?

Well, then if I were you,

I would start talking

because I might say something more and put you to sleep.

Look, man, I am really sorry.

I never should have said the things that I said.

I mean...

And however you want to handle it is cool with me.

I'll apologize on air.

You could even do a segment about me.

Oh, I'm not going to be doing anymore segments, Nick. It's over.

Nick, I've been doing The Way I See It for 45 years,

and in all that time, the world has changed.

You know, people used to care what a guy like me thought.

I was clever.

Now, every idiot with a podcast thinks he can do what I do.

And you know the sad part?

They can.

What the hell is the difference between me and Perez Hilton?

I'll tell you. I don't wear pink and I'm past my prime.

And that's the way I see it.

I'm done, Nick.

Well, take care of yourself.

Steer clear of those open mics.

But why would somebody leak that?

Why not? They did it to Lily Tomlin.

Oh!

Ladies and gentlemen,

the champion of Geezer SmackDown 2012,

Nick Kingston-Persons.

Okay, okay.

I take it you've all heard the clip.

Oh, yes.

Heard it? It's my new ringtone.

Nick, I'm not saying you're cold-blooded,

but you stomped Howard Bradley

like he kidnapped your kids, man.

Man, you smacked him down like a volleyball. Pow!

Dude, what were you thinking?

Why does everybody keep asking me that?

Because what you did was stupid.

You're a young guy. He's an old guy.

Didn't you learn from that Brick character?

Leave these old guys alone.

Honestly, dude, you'd be better off

picking a fight with Dakota Fanning.

I did not pick a fight, all right?

I don't even know why they would leak that.

I do.

They did it to Jesse Jackson.

Why wouldn't they do it to you?

Thank you. I got to tell you,

the way you went at that dude,

it was right up there with Christian Bale.

Oh, yeah. It was not that bad.

Yes.True. Yours was funnier.

You know, I would not want to be in your place

once the other old people find out.

It's not a big deal, all right?

It's just floating around online somewhere.

Nobody cares about me.

Yet.

If it does go big, mark my words... Right.

To fix it,

you're gonna have to kiss more old white guys' butts

than a democrat in Texas.

Hey, Brick, did you see all those people out front?

You mean that mob demanding the head of the guy

responsible for making Harold quit? Yeah, I saw them.

This is a lot worse than I thought.

I thought it was gonna be a lot worse.

I mean, old people are already mad 'cause they're old.

Then you go and you get them all riled up.

I mean, these people got nothing to do all day,

but sit around and wait to see the one guy on TV they like.

And what do you do?

You make him quit.

That's a bad move, Nick.

I haven't seen this many angry old people

since they canceled Walker, Texas Ranger.

Brick?

Peterson.

Nick, can I talk to you for a second?

Uh, yeah, sure. What's up?

Oh, nothing.

There's just 100 people outside that want to kill you.

I was wondering what you think we should do about it.

Mr. Peterson, I am really sorry. I mean...

I'll do whatever I have to do.

Will you go out there and let them choke you within an inch of your life?

What? No?

Well, then don't say you'll do whatever you have to do.

Look, this is bad, Nick.

I haven't seen this many angry old white people

since they replaced Jay with Conan.

I'm gonna sneak you out of the building.

Yeah, and I'm gonna put you in touch with a PR person.

Now, she's really good at these things.

Until we get this handled, I want you to go home and lie low.

Is it really that bad?

Yeah, it is.

I haven't seen this many angry old white people

since they replaced Bush with Obama.

I mean, old white people hate Obama.

And they hate you.

Hey, people.

Ooh, I am loving this social networking.

Did you read my status?

I just wrote, "Marilyn is updating her status."

Wow. That's really clever.

Yeah, right? I'm "LOL,"

"Loving Online."

That's not what that means.

No? Well, it should,

because that's what I'm doing.

Hey, guess how many friends I got?

Seventeen?

Yeah, how did you know that?

You post every time you get a new friend.

Well, how many friends you got?

Six hundred and forty-two.

Oh. How about you, Kevin?

Three hundred and ninety-eight.

Oh.

Ooh, that's 18.

L-M-A-O.

What?

"Loving Me Another One."

That's not what that means either.

K-M-A. You know what that means?

Come on in. You must be Debra.

It's Deborah.

Isn't that what I said?

No, you said "Debra" with two syllables.

It's "Deborah" with three syllables,

emphasis on the "orah."

Okay. Sorry. My bad.

Hmm, well, that's why we're here,

because you do bad things, Nicholas.

Nick. What?

You said "Nicholas," three syllables.

It's "Nick" with one, emphasis on the "nuh."

Right. I'm sorry.

Well, let's get right to the point.

Um, I have to be honest with you, Nick.

I haven't seen this many mad old white people

since Harold Bradley quit.

Shouldn't you be using something else as a reference?

In my business, things move fast, Nick, and quietly.

Remember, last week when that football player

left the team because his teammate came out of the closet?

No.

Well, that's because I was there to clean it up.

Remember the actress

who propositioned her co-star 17-year-old son

when she was drunk in Cabo?

No. Did you clean that up too?

I don't know what you're talking about, Nick.

The point is,

I can fix this.

But you're going to have to do exactly what I tell you to.

Come on. Is it really that bad?

The only thing that would be worse

is if Michael Vick got a gay puppy,

gave him to Tracy Morgan, and he made a coat out of it.

Damn.

All right, what is going on with Marilyn?

What do you mean?

Well, apparently she just joined Facebook.

Yeah, a few days ago.

Uh-huh, and she's being a nuisance.

She's tagging me in these stupid videos,

inviting me to all of these causes,

and now, she's writing on my wall over and over

trying to bully me into joining her

"Stop Internet Bullying" group.

Well, it's not just you, Gigi.

Okay, she's driving the kids crazy too.

She keeps writing relationship advice on Lindsey's wall,

and so far,

she has tagged and posted Kevin in about 30 baby pictures,

which is crazy because she didn't even know Kevin when he was a baby.

I don't know where she's getting these pictures from.

See, that is crazy.

And I thought I was doing her a favor by friending her.

But now she's friending all my friends,

and they're writing me notes seeing if they can block her

because she is getting on their nerves.

She's spreading.

She's spreading like that virus in the movie Contagion.

Uh, well, listen. It can't be that bad.

Okay, listen, the only thing I know that's worse

is how much old white people hate Nick right now.

Well, thank you for bringing that up.

Listen, I don't want to upset you.

I'm just giving you a point of reference. I'm sorry.

But you need to take care of Marilyn,

or I am going to block her.

Blocked.

Are you sure this is gonna work?

Well, either it will, or you won't.

Nick, you have to trust me. I know what I'm doing.

Hello, everyone. Uh, looks like we're all here.

Now, as you all know,

we had an incident at the station this past week.

Quite frankly, I haven't seen this many angry old white people

since Touched by an Angel was canceled.

It's canceled?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Now, since you guys are loyal supporters of our newscast,

we want to address your concerns, okay?

So, we brought in our PR guru, Debra Welkie.

Please give her your attention... Deborah.

Emphasis on the "orah."

Okay. D-Deborah.

Yes.Welcome. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Now, as you all know, KAWT cares about the elderly.

So, today we're gonna be shooting a PSA to show just how much.

Mr. Harold Bradley

was kind enough to come back and help us.

Thank you.

Give 'em hell, Harry.

Now, we even brought in our very own Nick Kingston-Persons.

He'd like to say a few words before we get started.

Hey, wait a minute. I know this guy. What's he doing here?

He's the guy that hates old guys.

No, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

Yeah, and I want to say, "Bite me."

Yeah, bite us.

Look, guys, guys,

this was all just a huge mistake.

Look, I just came here to make this right.

Yeah? Well, you make this right.

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

Oh! Come on! Debra, help!

It's Deborah! Oh!

Fine, Deborah! Will you please help?

What am I supposed to do? I had no idea these people hated you so much.

Hey, okay. Settle down, okay?

What for? We hate this guy.

Look, Nick didn't pressure me out of a job. I quit.

Well, we love you, Harold, and we hate him.

If I was 50 years younger, I'd whip his butt.

Come on, cut it out, all right?

All right, fine. But I'll tell you one thing,

I'm not gonna watch this station again.

Yeah, you can take this station and shove it.

Yeah.

Harold, wait. Let's not end things like this.

Uh, we need you on the air tonight.

And you can do a spot with Nick,

and he can apologize to you.

On the air, in front of people.

Yes, on the air, in front of people. Good idea.

Okay, well, yeah, I'll do it. Why not?

I'll do that for you, Nick.

You seem like a decent sort of chap.

Thanks, man. I appreciate it.

Nick, I'll help you word your apology.

I was just gonna say I'm sorry.

Ooh, that's good. Let's use it.

Okay, what is going on?

You know, I've been on Facebook all day,

and I can't find any of my friends.

That's because they've all un-friended you, Ma.

What?

Marilyn, have a seat.

Okay. What's all this?

Marilyn, we love you.

We love you! And we want you back.

I'm sorry. I just get emotional at these things.

You want me back? Gigi, what are you talking about?

We're talking about you driving us crazy.

Marilyn, it's all the posting that you've been doing.

We think you might be addicted.

Mmm-hmm.

Addicted?

Girl, that's just crazy talk.

Ma! Stop it!

You can't post everything that happens every moment of the day.

Hey, Marilyn,

you liked a photo of me at 4:30 in the morning.

You wouldn't be online at 4:30 in the morning unless you had a problem.

It was a good photo!

Wow. No, it's not.

Listen, Marilyn.

I posted a thread, and there was 150 comments,

and 132 of them were yours. It's too much!

It's too much!

And you keep suggesting friends to my friends.

My friends are 12. That's nasty.

Marilyn, I know what you're going through. I've been there myself.

Been where?

Rock bottom.

You know, when I first joined,

a friend introduced me to Farm City.

Mmm.

Before I knew it, I was skipping the real life market,

so I could go home and shop at the Farm City market.

That's right. That's right.

I lost three girlfriends, ten pounds, and my self-respect.

That's what happens.

It took me over, Marilyn.

That's because you're an idiot.

Hey, hey, hey. There's no need for names.

This is a safe place. Very safe place.

You know what?

Y'all can have your safe place. I'm out of here.

Twenty-four hours, Ma.

Twenty-four hours without using.

That's all we ask.

You can do it.

Come on.

Just do it.

It's gonna be okay, Ma.GIGI: Oh, yeah!

Hey, she's doing it again.

No, Ma!

What?

I'm just updating my status to say,

"I'm not addicted to this." I'm...

Really, Ma? Come on.

You can do this.

Let it go. Let it go.

Just let it go. Give him the phone.

You don't need this.

Okay, okay. Okay. Let go, Ma.

Twenty-four hours. Twenty-four hours.

That's it.

Let go. Let it go.

She ain't letting it go.

Yeah!

Did you know that peanuts aren't actually nuts?

And they're not peas either.

Who names these things?

Peanuts are really beans.

But they're not any of the beans that I'm used to,

like lima beans, and green beans, and fava beans

and coffee beans, soy beans, pork and beans.

But it doesn't seem like you can do

as many things with beans as you can do with nuts.

They're not the musical fruit.

So, what happened? I thought Harold was quitting.

Yeah, I thought he was quitting too.

I've been trying to get rid of this guy for 12 years.

But I never could because he's a icon.

What?

Every day, I have to give this guy

four and a half minutes of my afternoon newscast.

Meanwhile, other stations are reporting

on car chases, wars, murders.

What do we have? Peanuts.

Then my luck changes.

You insult the guy, he quits, I'm thrilled.

Wait, you were happy about that?

Well, why didn't you tell me?

Well, because I was using you as a pawn, Nick.

You don't tell people about that.

Next thing I know, I got an uprising of old people on my hands

and corporate shoving that Debra Welkie down my throat.

Uh, Deborah.

Ugh, Deborah.

Anyway, next thing you know,

you guys are making nice,

the cards and letters are coming in,

and the station puts him back on the air, and gives him a raise.

Thanks a lot, Nick.

What? How are you mad at me about that?

How was I supposed to know that?

I don't know.

But it all rolls downhill, Nick, and you're downhill.

Hey, Harold. Good stuff, man.

Yeah. Glad you're back.

I thought you were done.

So did I.

And then, you had to up

and blow the whole thing for me, you big jerk.

What?

Nick, why do you think

I keep doing these stupid segments on apples and peanuts?

I have been trying to get fired for the last ten years,

but they just wouldn't pull the trigger.

So, what the hell?

I decided to pack it in.

And then, you can't handle a few insults.

A few insults? Man, they were throwing apples at me, man.

They were old folks, Nick, old people.

How hard could they hit you?

Now there's this uproar of support to keep me on the air.

I'm sorry, man. I thought...

Nobody cares what you thought, Nick.

But thanks to you,

I'm now stuck here until the day I die.

Don't you ever wonder why people say, "The day I die"?

What if it's at night?

Or in the afternoon?

And does it really take a whole day to die,

or just maybe a second or two?

But kind of hard to find out

because all the people who could tell you are dead.