Original subtitles

Hi, buddy.

Hey, man.

You look tired.

Been a long day.

Long day... or long night?

What are you talking about?

Come on, man. You don't have to play games with me.

We both know Suzanne's been out of town.

Yeah.

So, you're probably feeling a little bit, uh, restless.

What's your point?

My point is,

if you're gonna be doing the things you've been doing,

you got to be a little more discreet.

Discreet about what?

Ah, good.

No, no. Not good.

All right, look.

If you think I need to be discreet,

that means you think I'm doing something I have no business doing,

but I'm not doing anything,

so I don't need to be that.

Even better.

Deny, deny, deny.

No, that's not "even better," okay?

Nothing is going on.Gotcha.

You weren't at McKinley's last night.

That's your story. You're sticking with it.

No. No "gotcha."

All right? There is no story.

Listen, man, I understand.

You don't wanna tell me,

so that I don't have to lie to Suzanne if it goes down like that.

Respect.

Put your fist down.

No, there's no "respect" here.

There's nothing going on.

Look, last night,

I was at home with the kids.

Sure you were.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Nick!

Gigi, what are you doing here?

Don't try and change the subject.

I didn't know we were on a subject.

The subject is your whereabouts.

Uh-huh.

I know where you were last night,

Nick Kingston-Persons.

Did you have a good time?

Have you been talking to Martin?

No, but I have been talking to a bouncer at a club,

who says you were there last night,

drinking and dancing up a storm,

doing the robot with a bunch of women, Nick.

A bunch of women.

I was doing the robot here at home.

Uh-huh.

So, you weren't at Royale's?

Oh. Oh, now it's Royale's.Uh-huh.

I thought I was supposed to be at McKinley's.

See? You were so drunk, you didn't even know where you were!

Look, listen. Listen. You know what?

I was here,

at home.Uh-huh.

That was not me.

Then how come

some girl tweeted

she was with Nick Kingston-Persons last night

at Royale's,

hashtag K-A-W-T.

I don't know!

You don't know? No. Listen.

Listen, I promise, okay?

That is not me!

Is that what I'm supposed to tell Suzanne? You promise?

Suzanne knows about this?

She will when I tell her,

or if she does a Twitter search

for hashtag K-A-W-T.

Now, why would she do a Twitter search

for hashtag K-A-W-T?

Uh-huh.

'Cause I might tell her to, Nick. I might tell her to.

You go ahead. You tell Suzanne.

You tell her. Oh, oh, I'ma tell her.

You can tell her. I'ma tell her.

'Cause, you know, you gonna feel pretty silly

when you find out that that wasn't me.

Oh, really? Well, you know what? I better find out

before you get found out,

because when Suzanne gets home,

I am telling her everything I know,

even if that means you got to go,

'cause Suzanne is my friend.

And if it's between you and me,

you are going down, boo,

like a clown

with a frown upside down...

Okay, I get it.

Around, boogie down.

I'm going, now. Yeah, I'm talking to you!

What is your problem?

I just don't understand why we need a babysitter

just because Mom's gone.

I mean, I'm almost 16 years old.

Yeah, but in dog years, that's barely two.

You know, watching your brother for a few hours is one thing,

but for a whole week?

That's something else.

You can trust us.

No, I can't.

There are tons of movies

about all the crazy stuff kids do when they're left alone.

I mean, they could burn the house down,

throw crazy parties,

end up in bars with gangsters.

Those were all white kids.

You want black kids? Fine.

House Party, House Party 2, House Party 3.

There. Don't be racist.

Can we order pizza for dinner?

Honey, you have food in the house.

There's nothing here

but Chinese noodles and hot dogs.

Yeah, I mean, Mom said you would go to the grocery store.

Well, she didn't say that to me.

She said she'd put it on your list.

You didn't check the list?

It wouldn't make a difference. The point is, you two

are spoiled.

Isn't the point that you didn't check the list?

No.

You know, when I was a kid,

if all we had in the house was hot dogs and noodles,

then that's what we ate,

and we liked it.

Yeah, but that was, like, 50 years ago.

You know, you two don't know how good you have it.

We can talk about it over pizza.

You know what I'm gonna do?

Order us a pizza?

I'm gonna take you back to where I raised your father,

so you can get some appreciation

for all the things that you have.

Get your jackets on.

We goin' to the hood.

Can I help you?

You're not Nick Kingston-Persons.

Yes, I am.

Who are you?

I'm Kija.

And you know what? I don't know what kind of games

you and your boy's playin',

but I don't appreciate it. Now, where is he?

I am Nick Kingston-Persons.

Boy, please. It may have been dark,

but Nick Kingston-Persons is way cuter than you.

First, I am Nick Kingston-Persons, all right?

Everybody in this building can tell you that.

Second, I've never even heard of a Kija.

And whoever you were with in the dark last night,

all right, it wasn't me.

This is crazy.

Where were you, anyway?

Yeah, okay. I was at Knife

with Nick Kingston-Persons.

We had dinner.

He told me he works here.

I was like, "Oh, you on TV? That's what's up."

He was like, "Yeah."

So, he was eating, I was eating,

we were conversatin'.

Then he gets up and goes to the bathroom and never comes back.

So, he owes me $169.47,

'cause I don't be buying meals for no man.

Kija, uh, listen.

I am so sorry you had to pay for your meal,

but I cannot help you.

Nick Kingston-Persons!

I know you in here,

and you better stay in here,

because I'm gonna be outside.

And when you come outside,

I'm gonna be waiting for you.

Punk!

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

What the hell was that?

I've never seen nothing like that in my whole life. She just jumped at you.

I think I had my identity stolen.

Really? I thought they only did that kind of thing online.

She just came up to you and took it?

Look, it didn't happen like that. It's...

Well, whatever. Someone must have stolen your manhood, too,

'cause when she jumped at you, you flinched like a little girl!

Hey, but seriously, don't bring your girlfriends to work.

Good morning.Hey.

Good morning. Good morning.

Hey, Dad,

you think tomorrow, we could have biscuits and gravy for breakfast?

What?

Since when did you start liking biscuits and gravy?

Since yesterday. Marilyn took us to the...

Mall. Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, I bought them lunch.

That boy had some biscuits, and he loved them!

We didn't go to the...

Library,

because they had done all their homework.

So, I took them to the mall.

Are those bootleg DVDs?

- Yeah. We got them at the... - mall!

You got bootleg DVDs at the mall?

Well, you know, it was in the parking lot. There was a guy.

Ma! That is copyright infringement,

all right? It's stealing!

I know, baby, and I didn't wanna buy them,

but the man told me he had kids,

you know, and there's this recession, and I just...

I felt so bad for him,

and those are some good movies.

Get these out of my hou...

Oh, they got the new Spider-Man?

See?

Well, you know, I'm gonna watch this,

and after I do, I want you to get rid of them, all right?

Did y'all buy anything else at the mall?

I got this purse.

A Palmer bag?

Those things cost a lot of money.

Boy, come on. It's a knockoff.

Okay, look,

next time you guys go to the mall,

go inside.

You're so silly. Get out of here and go to work.

All right. Have a good day. Take care.

Bye, Dad.

Why'd you lie to Dad?

Because he wouldn't approve of me taking you to the hood.

He thinks it's too dangerous.

Well, I wanna go back.

The hood is way cooler than I thought it would be.

Yeah, I mean, normal people say,

"If you've never been to the hood, don't go to the hood."

What they should be saying is,

"If you've never been to the hood, go!"

I mean, I don't know who she is.

She's out there staring down everyone leaving the building.

Did she jump at you?

Ugh!

We're on in five.

Hey, Nick, can I talk to you?

Now? Yeah.

Unless you're too busy asking me questions.

Then I guess we could put something in the calendar.

Sorry.

I got a call from someone at Pier 52.

The restaurant? Yeah.

The one that advertises on the 10:00 news. That one.

Well, what happened?

Do you really have to ask me that?

Do you think I was just gonna give you this little information and then walk away?

No.

They said you were in there last night, that you were unruly,

that you were insulting to the staff, and you didn't leave a tip.

Now, look, I don't know what you do in your spare time,

but try not doing it to our sponsor.

I told you, Mr. Peterson,

it wasn't me! Someone has stolen my identity.

Oh, right. That girl.

Nick, you got to get it back.

I... I don't know how you're gonna do that, you know?

She scares me, too,

but you got to do something, okay?

Now, the restaurant reps are gonna be at the fundraiser tonight.

Wait, wait, wait.

What fundraiser?

The one I sent you the invitation to.

I did not get any invitation to a fundraiser.

No? Well, maybe check with the girl.

Maybe she has it.

At any rate, you have to be there,

and you have to apologize, okay?

I'll be there.

Don't worry. I know exactly what I'm gonna do.

What you need to do is tip.

Nick, you're perpetuating a stereotype.

Huh!

Here we go, in three, two...

This is the Seattle Sports Report.

I am Nick Kingston-Persons.

Before we get started,

I want to let everybody know

that there is someone in the Seattle area posing as me.

So, do me a favor.

If you think you see me out at a club or at dinner,

take a real close look and ask me,

"Are you really Nick Kingston-Persons?"

Ask for ID.

Ask me, did I ask you to ask me this?

Whatever you do, just make sure it's me

and not whoever is pretending to be me.

And if you don't know,

you better ask somebody.

Have a nice evening.

Hi. Uh,

Nick Kingston-Persons, checking in.

Mr. Nick Kingston-Persons has already checked in.

Nice try.

Next? Hold on. Hold on.

Now, uh, Nick Kingston-Persons,

uh, could not be checked in

because I'm Nick Kingston-Persons.

I have a list.

The guests come in,

they hand me an invitation,

and then I check their name off.

So, I don't know what you're trying to pull,

but you can try it somewhere else.

Thank you. Next?

Excuse me. No, I'm not trying to pull anything, okay?

Whoever is in that room is not me.

I know that, because they're inside

and you're out here.

All right, whoever is in that room

has stolen my identity,

and I am getting it back!

Is there a problem here?

This man does not have an invitation.

Come on. Hey, man.

I'm Nick Kingston-Persons.

I don't care who you are, sir.

All I care is that you don't have an invitation.

FYI, my people told me today

that Mr. Kingston-Persons

issued a warning about somebody impersonating him.

Well, FYI,

that was me!

I did that! Okay?

Listen, man, I was on TV,

and I issued that warning!

Okay, look...

Look, they can vouch for me. They know I'm...

Billy. Billy, Bill...

Man, I gave you tickets to the game.

Now, you gonna sit here and act like you don't know me?

Dude, listen, you give me two minutes inside there,

and I can prove it to you, man!

I'm sorry, but I can't do that.

You got to kick rocks.

I do not kick rocks, sir.

There's a first time for everything.

All right, well, I guess I'll be going.

Oh, look. There... Look, that's money down there, man.

Look. No, just...

Ha! Ah!

Ow!

What did you think, man,

we only had one bouncer?

Woo-ooh!

They whupped your...

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Man, are you all right?

Yeah, I'll be all right.

I can't believe they called the cops!

Man, you lucky I was listening to my brand-new police scanner.

I wouldn't have never came down there,

and they would've locked you up!

Man, I can't believe they was gonna arrest me,

but wouldn't go after my impersonator!

Technically, what he's doing to you is not illegal.

See, you can walk around here

and pretend you somebody else if you want to,

and if people stupid enough to believe you...

That's on them.

Plus, the cops

are busy doing better

and more important work, man,

like racial profiling.

Look, why don't you do what you do,

and help me locate this dude?

Excuse me?

You expect me

to use my 20 years

of Special Ops training

to follow some guy

and keep him from making it rain in the club?

Yeah.

I don't think so.

You on your own with this one.

Now, I got to go.

Ah! What's that?

Ow!

Look, man,

I hurt too much to even look right now, man.

Why don't you just go out the front door this time?

Oh, man, you good for nothing.

You know that hurt.

Boy, they whupped your...

Dad!

Dad, are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm just a little sore.

Oh, honey, what happened to you?

It's a long story.

I'm afraid someone stole my identity.

Is this what happened

when you tried to get it back?

As a matter of fact, yeah.

Mmm, for a dude from the hood,

you lookin' softer than a hot chocolate chip cookie.

Yeah, I mean, if you're afraid to get grimy with it, you gonna get played.

Girl, you so crazy.

Grimy? What are you two talking about?

Oh, they just messing with you.

Look, all I'm saying is,

if your identity did get stolen,

you need let 'em know you from the hood,

and it ain't going down like that.

You watch too much TV.

I did not grow up in the hood...

Oh, baby. You know what?

You should go upstairs and relax 'cause you're hurt.

You got hit upside your head.

I know this all must sound like crazy talk to you.

It does.

Look, why would you two think I grew up in the hood?

Well, we weren't supposed to say anything...

Then don't.

But Marilyn's been taking us to the hood where you grew up.

Really? Mmm.

Ma... Yeah?

Why would you tell these kids I grew up in the hood?

Dad, you don't have to be embarrassed, okay?

Yeah, there are many successful people who grew up in the hood.

LeBron James.Jay-Z.

J.K. Rowling. Lil Wayne,

Joe Biden. Lil' Flip, Eminem.

Shania Twain. Now, look,

would you guys quit it, okay? I did not come up in the hood...

Ma! What is this?

Big mouths!

Look, your kids are spoiled.

I was just trying to teach 'em a lesson.

By lying and telling 'em I grew up in the hood?

Yeah, because when you make stories more personal,

they have a greater impact.

Wait, wait, wait. So you didn't grow up in the hood?

No!

Oh, that explains a lot.

Like what?

Like how you got played.

Now, look, if you wanna get your identity back,

we know some guys.

They're from the hood.

Hey, Nick.

What is it now?

Well, I was actually in the middle of telling you,

but I guess it's more important for you to keep interrupting me.

So, we'll wait.

Can I start, now?

Yes. Anyway,

thanks for smoothing things over with the reps at the fundraiser last night.

What are you talking about? They wouldn't let me in.

Really? Well, maybe it was fake Nick.

Hey, you might wanna thank him.

He's actually good at cleaning up your messes.

Hey, I have this friend, Brian.

He said he met you at the bar last night,

that you're having a birthday party.

By the way, thanks for the invite.

What? I'm not having a birthday party.

Maybe that's fake Nick, too.

Hey, this actually might be fun.

Do you mind if I still go?

It's at your buddy's bar.

Martin?

Do you have another buddy with a bar?

Look, if you wanna get your identity back,

you're gonna have to go to Martin's tonight.

Oh, I'll be there, all right. You watch.

By the way, happy birthday.

It's not my birthday, Mr. Peterson.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Hey, so how are you gonna find this guy?

Easy.

I'm gonna look for the other bald black man.

I know you say you guys all don't look alike,

but come on.

Gigi, what are you doing here?

The better question is, why you got them sunglasses on?

I'm incognito.

I wanna know why I had to find out from a stranger you're having a birthday party.

Is it a surprise party, Nick? 'Cause I was surprised.

And you know what? I didn't have time to get you a gift,

so who is surprised, now?

It's not my birthday, Gigi, all right?

Look... Look, this guy, he's stolen my identity.

He's the one throwing this party!

What?

The problem is, we don't know who the fake Nick Kingston-Persons is.

I mean,

it's like Ving Rhames walked into a fun house in here.

Huh. I can handle this.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Which one of you is Nick Kingston-Persons?

Don't pay any attention to them.

I'm Nick Kingston-Persons.

Are you sure?

Baby, I'm sure.

Well, I have something to tell you.

What's that? Well...

Your butt is mine, punk.

Baby, I lost my keys.

Ooh!

You can have your identity back, now.

Thanks.

Is she gone?

Yeah, she's gone.

But she said, if you don't have her money by tomorrow night,

next time, she's not gonna be so nice.

What's wrong with you, man,

running around pretending like you me?

Well, people always tell me that I look like you.

When I was at McKinley's the other night,

they asked me if I was you, and...

I always wanted to know what it was like to be famous, so I said, "yeah."

Then I let things get out of hand.

Up until the point you got knocked the hell out.

I guess it could have been worse.

Worse than getting knocked out by Strawberry Ho-cake?

Wait, wait. People really think

that you look like me?

All these guys look like you.

That guy, that guy, that guy...

Any of these guys show up at work, I'll put them on the air.

I mean, even those guys look like you.

It's easy to be confused.

Anyway, I'll see you at work on Monday, Nick.

Are you gonna press charges?

Is there anything else I don't know about?

Well, there's a bunch of free stuff that I got

because everyone thought I was a celebrity.

I got a phone, I got a chain,

I got this watch.

Man, give me that watch! That's mine.

Anything else?

Girls.

Hey, Nick.

You ready to go?

Oh, you can keep that.

I got enough trouble.

Is that your little brother?

No!