Original subtitles

Hey. Thank you. Let me get this for you.

What's up? Hey, man. How was your weekend?

Ah, it was good. I watched that golf tournament.

Oh, man. That Irish dude was amazing.

You see that?

Look. "It's the last hole,

"and all that stands between Flanagan and a win

"is 60 feet of green.

"He lines it up.

Beautiful swing, and... Yes!"

Hey, guys. What you talking about?

Ah, well... The Lo...

The Long Beach Open.

That putt, amazing, right?

He went in the, uh...

Yeah, it was really good. It was great.

Wow! Look at you, all dressed up and nowhere to go.

Uh... You, uh,

Hey, this is where the men see me on TV.

If I can avoid the stalkers, I'm good.

Uh, you...

What?

Um... Something's wrong.

Thanks, Nick. Lovely thing to say.

Nah... You, uh...

No. Uh, your one eyeball has more hair on it than the other.

What?

What the...

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Man, how do you do that?

Do what?

Talk to women? I mean, she came up,

and then, you start saying stuff.

Man, it's not that hard.

Yeah, you're lucky you're not me.

If you were, you wouldn't be saying that.

Well, I guess I'm just lucky then.

Nick, can I ask you something?

Yeah, man. Go ahead.

I'm on this Internet dating website.

You know, I'm trying to hook up with this girl Amber.

I sent her a couple notes, but she hasn't gotten back to me yet.

Hmm.

Can you take a look at this? Just tell me what you think?

Oh, hey, man, I don't know.

Please, Nick, please. Don't make me beg.

"Hey, Amber, uh, my name is Rome.

"Rome."

That's it? Dude, uh... So?

Uh, look, you know, I don't know, man,

but why don't you try giving her a compliment, okay?

O-Or saying something nice about yourself.

You know, think like Maxwell.

Who? The singer.

You know, the high-voiced guy. You know...

That guy, right, right?

Look, why don't you just tell her

you'll take her to a nice place for dinner, okay?

You know, 90% of women say yes to free food at a nice place.

Maxwell? Mmm-hmm.

Food.Mmm-hmm.

Got it. You got it.

No, I don't.

Mmm...

Why do I think that you're not working on the budget?

Okay, you know how I signed up for the online dating site?

Yeah. Well, this guy Rome

sent me the cutest little email.

Ooh, I want to see what he looks like.

No... Ah-ah! Mmm-mmm. He doesn't have a picture up.

Okay, well, that's not a good sign.

Not necessarily. I didn't put my picture up.

Why not?

Because I don't people to know I'm online dating.

But you are online dating.

Am I? Or is Amber?

You're not even using your real name? No.

Come here.Okay.

All right, I'mma read you what he wrote.Okay. Mmm-hmm.

"I know that I don't know you.

"I hope that I'm your type.

I'd really like to show you over dinner that you might."

Okay. All right.

Very Maxwell-ish.Mmm.

Actually reminds me of something

that Nick wrote to me when we first went out.

Oh, so I guess Rome is in good company.

Excuse me, Amber.

Hey, Lindsey, what's going on?

They sent us home from school.

There's a pink eye epidemic,

and the students have to stay home

until we're notified by the school.

Oh, okay. Well, listen,

just because you're home, that doesn't mean it's a vacation.

I know. I'm way ahead of you, Mom.

I already started doing research for my history paper.

Good. And no friends over.

Okay. Bye.

She bought it!

- Nick! Nick! - Nick.

You are the man.

You know that email you helped me write?

Amber answered it.Oh.

Look at this. All right, yeah.

Uh... "Rome I like dinner

"Describe our date And you can be the winner"

Wow. "Your move, Amber."

Wow, so now she's talking to you.

Man, look, you keep it up, and you should be fine.

Yo, man, you gotta help me.

I can't get a reply on an email.

I don't know what to do on a date.

Dude, I don't have time for this.

Come on, Nick. It's just an email.

I just need an idea for a good date.

I don't want to blow this.

Okay, I'll keep it simple, all right?

Uh... You do what I did on my first date with my wife. All right?

But, look, if you mess this up, pff,

it's on you, bruh, all right?

Now, pull up the website.

On the computer, man. On the computer.

Okay.

I'll let him know.

Thank you so much.

Kevin, you can slow down.

You don't have to go to school today.

What?

Yeah, the school is closed.

Evidentially, there was an outbreak of lice.

♪ Yes! Go, lice! Go, lice!

♪ It's just go time Shut the school down ♪

Oh, oh, yes.

Wait, Mom.

How am I supposed to do all my schoolwork watching him?

Oh, you don't have to worry about that.

See, I'm planning on calling Marilyn and have her come over.

Oh... Mom, that's okay.

I mean, you don't have to do that.

I wouldn't want to mess up Marilyn's day

having her watch after us. I'll watch him.

Hmm.

Mmm-hmm.

And what are you really going to do?

Throw another party?

How did you find out about that?

Just now when you told on yourself.

Oh, nice one, Mom.

I keep telling you guys. Do not lie to me.

I will always find out.

Always.

Gigi.

What's all this? Okay, all right.

Rome sent me the details for our future first date.

And so, I need you to help me pick out a pair of shoes.

Okay, pick out a pair of shoes

for your imaginary date with your faceless man.

Sure thing, Amber. Where are we going?

Whatever.

So, he wants to take me to a romantic restaurant.

It's a wonderful little place called

Restaurante Romantico.

Oh, I love that place.

Yes.

That's actually where Nick took me on our first date.

Oh... Okay, so I thought these.

Perfect.

But, then, he wants to walk along the pier.

Now, did you know the whole thing was made of wood?

Yes.Oh.

Well, since stilettos are out

because the heel will get stuck,

I thought these.

Nice.

Okay, wait.

So dinner at El Restaurante Romantico...

Uh-huh. A walk along the pier.

All he has to do is take you dancing at the dome,

and it's the exact same first date that Nick and I had.

One sec.

The dome! He's taking me to the dome!

I guess, that means I'm in good company

because he is taking me every place Nick took you.

I guess.

Okay, so, wedges.

They're out because you can't dance in wedges.

Yeah, well, um,

if I were you, I-I'd-I'd wear these.

Oh, okay.

You know what, these look like the shoes you used to have.

Yeah, well,

if you're going to go on a date that looks like mine,

you might as well wear shoes that match.

Oh...

Oh, you have to hear what he wrote me.

I mean, it's like...

It's like he's a different man.

You know, he just keeps getting better and better.

Okay, all right, you have to listen, okay?

Mmm-hmm.

All right.

"It's promising I met you, girl.

"It's promising you rock my world.

"So promising, just like sunshine.

You blow my mind, girl, every time."

I don't know, I just... I'm very excited.

Hmm. Me too.

Oh, uh, you know what? Um...

Gigi, can you, uh, go into Tanner's office,

and grab the venue invoices for me, please?

Yeah. No problem.Okay.

Did you hear that?

Yes. Oh, my God.

I'm just... Ah!

Okay, I don't know who you are, Mr. Rome,

but I'm going to find out.

Forward.

Okay, this is ridiculous.

What?

Are you both seriously

going to sit here all day and do homework?

What else are we supposed to do?

I don't know. I'm bored.

Would you like some juice?

Only if you have some gin to mix in.

Well, since you don't want us to sit here and do our homework,

we shouldn't sit here and do our homework.

I mean, that would be disrespectful. Right?

So, what do you want to do?

You guys want to play some blackjack?

Blackjack? Isn't that, like, gambling?

It's only gambling if you don't know what you're doing,

and I'm going to teach you how to play.

Look in that drawer and bring me some cards.

Okay, now listen.

The object of the game

is whoever gets closest to 21, wins, okay?

But if you go over 21, you lose.

You understand?

Yeah. I think so.

Okay, here we go.

This is so exciting.

Okay, show me what you got.

Seventeen.

Oh, that's good. You should stay.Okay.

What you got?

Uh, 19. Hit me.

No, you don't want to hit that high.

But I don't have 21 yet. Hit me.

Okay, you'll see.

Two! Two.

Ah... 21. I win. This game is easy.

You think it's so easy? Go get your allowance.

It's promising I met you, girl

"It's promising You rock my world

"So promising Just like sunshine

You blow my mind Girl, every time.

Exactly the same.

Suzanne?

Hey, baby.

Hey.Hey.

How was work?

Oh, you know, same old stuff.

What are you doing?

Nothing. Just online,

checking out some websites.

Sending emails.

You been surfing the web a lot lately?

Hmm, no more than usual.

Ah, yeah, it's crazy.

These social networking sites are all over the place.

You know, people don't even meet in person anymore.

Everybody's online. I don't know how they do it.

Babe, nowadays, it's all about what you post, you know?

I remember when you used to have talk to a woman to get 'em.

Now you just hit 'em up on Twitter,

send a picture of your junk...

Bam! That's it.

Remember how when we first started going out,

you used to send me cards with different notes inside?

Yeah, I remember.

How come you don't do that anymore?

Oh...

Because it worked.

Yeah. But don't you ever get the urge

to drop me a poem from time to time?

Or have a nice romantic candlelit dinner?

I don't need a dinner to be romantic, all right?

I go to work. Every day.

That's love.

A romantic candlelit dinner is not romantic

if the only reason you're eating by candlelight

is because you can't pay the light bill.

Twenty-one!

Twenty. Damn.

Mmm-hmm.

Hey, word on the street

is there's a hot blackjack game going on over here.

You got money?

Does Cee Lo Green have neck meat?

Have a seat.

This game is so much fun. I'll be right back.

You know, I don't know

if you want in on this game, dude.

Yeah, she's been beating us like eggs at an IHOP.

You guys are probably basing your choices on knowledge.

She's not basing her choices on anything.

So, it's impossible to figure out.

It would explain a lot.Yeah.

They say a fool and his money are soon parted,

but the bigger question is,

how did that fool get that money?

I guess by playing blackjack with two idiots.

Hey.Hey.

So, uh, anything new from Rome?

He sent me a playlist.

Let me guess.

Keith Sweat, Johnny Gill,

maybe a little Color Me Badd?

How did you know that?

Okay, Gigi,

what do you really know about this Rome?

Has he told you anything personal about himself?

I mean, do you know where he works?

What part of town does he live in?

No, I mean, all he's been doing is writing me poems,

and I like it.

I mean, it's like hearing about a great movie, right,

and I finally get to see it.

Okay, but, Gigi, don't you hate it

when people have been telling you about a movie,

and then you go see it, and it's not at all

what you were expecting?

You know, it's like that Jennifer Aniston movie that you hate.

Oh.

The Ugly Truth.

No, no, wait. That was Katherine Heigl.

Exactly.

But you went there

expecting to see a Jennifer Aniston movie

because you like Rachel.

I do. Right?

You were angry. You were disappointed.Yeah.

I don't think you should have to go through that again.

You know, listen, I'm fine, okay,

because if he turns out to be Katherine Heigl,

there's always other movies.

No, no, no. I'm coming with you.

You are not coming with me on my date.

No, no, we're going to have him meet us

at Martin's bar.

We are?

Yes. I'm going to meet you there.

'Cause this better be a Jennifer Aniston movie

'cause we are expecting a Jennifer Aniston movie.

And if it's not a Jennifer Aniston movie,

there is going to be a problem!

Hey, man.

I didn't expect to see you here tonight.

Me neither.

But this guy from work is coming here for a blind date.

See, he's really bad with women,

so I've been feeding him lines, and did...

Ugh, say no more.

Oh, so you get it.

No, I just don't want to hear anymore.

I didn't think I'd be this nervous.

Oh, my God. I knew it.

Nick!

Hey, baby, what are you doing here?

Oh, really? Really?

So that's the best you can do?

I'm not stupid, Nick.

I know what you're doing here.

You're here to meet Amber.

What?

Whoa. Whoa. Where'd you hear that?

From Amber.

You're Amber?

Wait. What's going on?

Gigi, Nick is Rome.

You're Rome?

No!

Oh, my God, you're cheating on Suzanne?

I am not cheating on Suzanne. All right.

And I am not Rome!

Look, baby, I can explain. There's a guy from work.

Oh, really? So, where is he, Nick?

In the car? On his way?

What? You're going to go outside

and send "Rome" in?

How could you do this?

You said the exact same words to her that you said to me.

You even set up the same first date!

What? You think she wouldn't tell me?

What do you think we do all day in the office?

Sit around not talking?

What do you think we are? Men?

If you were looking for romance,

you could have come to me.

You know, you didn't have to go online

looking for some tramp.

Hey!

I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about Amber.

Oh. Hey!

Okay, wait, wait, wait.

So, is there a Rome or not?

Yes! No!

I'm confused.

And water is wet.

I think I have a pretty good idea of what's happening here.

Let's bring it in, folks.

Now, Gigi wanted to go online to find a date,

but she didn't want to use her own personal information,

so she created this fake name, "Amber."

Now, at the very same time, a man named Rome

who just happens to be Nick's coworker, small world,

stumbled upon Amber's profile.

Now, Rome being awkward

and socially insecure around women

decided to enlist Nick's help

to woo Amber, AKA Gigi,

who then showed Suzanne Rome's emails

written by Nick,

that just happened to sound strikingly similar

to letters Nick wrote to Suzanne when they first started dating.

Now this, of course, led Suzanne to believe

that Nick had created a fake name, "Rome,"

in order to meet strange women on the Internet,

which brings us all here to my bar

where no one is ordering anything.

Okay, genius, that's a fine theory,

except for one thing.

Where is Rome?

He should be walking through that door

right now...

Now.

Sorry, buddy. I tried.

Suzanne, I want you to know that I had nothing to do with this.

Don't hate me. Hate him.

Nick, how could you?

Rome!

So, you...

You're Rome?

What do I say?

Say "hi," fool.

Hi.

Fool.

Well, good news.

Both your schools are back open.

But I never finished my history paper.

I didn't finish my homework either.

Well, maybe you should have been doing that

instead of playing blackjack for two days.

How'd you find out about that?

I told you,

I will always find out.

Always.

Go get dressed, please.

Thank you.

Morning, baby.

Oh, come on!

You know I wasn't cheating, right?

I was just helping Rome out.

It's not that.

I'm upset because you took personal things

that you wrote to me

and you pimped them out to help some guy get lucky.

Well, would it be any different if I gave him poems

by Langston Hughes or Shakespeare?

Oh, so now you're Langston Hughes?

Baby, I'm just saying, all right?

But, um,

actually I do have a confession to make.

What's that?

Your name's not Nick?

Uh...

I didn't write those letters.

What?

Well, not totally.

I mean, look,

I know what it's like not to be quick with words like that,

so what I used to do was take different things...

You know, songs, poems...

And then, you know, change the words,

and bam!

But-but the feelings...

The feelings was all mine, baby. It's right there.

Nick, that is so wrong.

I know, I know,

but I did it because I loved you, okay?

And I was going to get you any way I could.

I want to make it up to you.

How so?

I wrote you a poem, all right?

Now these words, these words, are all mine.

Nobody else's.

All right, go ahead, have a seat.

I hope you like it.

I love it already.

Oh, baby.

You're going to like this.

"Long legs

"Long, long Long, long legs

I am longing for Your long, long Legs"

Oh, my God.

"All night long I've longed

For those long, long legs"

Stop. "While you are walking"

Stop. "Long, long legs"

Please.

"When you are running Long, long legs"