Original subtitles

Ooh!

Is Kevin moving out?

No, I'm giving this stuff away to the Army of Good.

Is there anything you want to get rid of?

Kevin.

Hey, Mom, does Army of Good take books?

Sure.

Cool. I have some.

Kevin,

these are brand-new.

You said, "Go through your room

"and get rid of anything you haven't used in a year."

You haven't read a book in a year?

Don't get mad at me,

I was gonna read 'em. You said get rid of 'em.

Oh, hey, babe,

have you seen a little coral sweater anywhere?

No, why?

It's Gigi's. I can't find it.

What is that?

Just some junk I found in the kitchen.

What's that?

Just some junk I found in your closet.

You are giving away my velour sweats?

Yes, baby.

Come on, now.

See, the people of Velourvia,

they have left the Earth,

and they've left you to fend for yourself.

It's time to move on.

Wait! You're giving away my panini maker?

Ah, ah, ah.

Yes.

You and the people of Paninininia

waged a good war.

But in the end,

people still like regular sandwiches.

I won't hold it against you.

You fought well.

Pick one.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Hey.

Hey.

I'm Satchel Pagge with the Army of Good.

All right, well, come on in.

We got some stuff over here.

All right.

Oh.

Satchel Paige.

Like the baseball player? Almost.

No "I" two "G"s.

Wow. Has anybody ever told you

that your voice is amazing?

Thank you very much. God bless you.

Hey, have you ever done any voice-over work?

Matter of fact, I was a disc jockey in Miami.

Until, well,

you know, uh,

I made some bad decisions.

But that's all behind me, now.

I'm a driver for the Army of Good.

I don't mean to pry, but what happened?

Well, I was grossly underpaid.

I was the number 12-ranked disc jockey in Miami.

Over 100,000 listeners a day.

Um...

That's not really a lot.

I did not know that at the time.

Went to my boss,

demanded a raise.

He said no,

so I punched him in the face.

He fired me.

I used all the money I had

making radio spots on other stations,

saying what a dirtbag he was.

He sued me for slander and won.

So, I punched him in the face again,

this time in court.

Went to jail,

got out,

spent my last dollar

on cigarettes and ice cream.

And then the bad decisions began.

"Began"?

Whoa... Yo, babe. Baby,

Okay, people make mistakes.

Amen to that.

Well, listen, Satchel.

Please, call me Satchel.

All right. Satchel. Um...

You might know me, um, Nick Kingston-Persons,

KAWT.

Nope.

Okay, uh, well, listen. You know what?

I don't want to make any promises,

but how would you feel about coming down to the station,

and let me see if I can't get my boss to give you a little voice-over work?

Oh, thank you very much.

God bless you. God bless you.

It seems like you got your life back on track.

Oh, by the grace of God,

self-help books and yoga,

I'm finally on the straight and narrow.

Um, Satchel?

Please, call me Satchel.

Okay, Satchel.

Would it be all right if I could hear what you used to sound like on the radio?

Sure.

It's drive time on 99.9,

and I'm Satchel Pagge.

We'll be setting 'em up, and I'll be knocking 'em down

from now till nighttime.

This is... Levert... Casanova.

Whoo!

Wow!

Good morning. Did you find it?

No, Gigi. I'm sorry.

I looked everywhere.

Why do people say that

when it's obviously not true?

I'm sorry.

So, it's official.

You lost my sweater.

No. I did not lose it.

I just can't find it.

Hmm. See,

that's what I thought "lost" meant,

but, okay, I'm gonna have to look that up again.

And the thing was,

is I was very thorough

because in the midst of looking for it,

we made this big donation to the Army of Good.

We gave away old clothes and bags and shoes...

And sweaters?

That's not possible. Why not?

Because, if your sweater was in one of those boxes,

I would have seen it and known it was yours.

Did you pack all the boxes, Suzanne?

No.Okay.

We're going to the Army of Good

because that was a cashmere sweater,

very expensive, and I want it back!

Okay, I will call them and tell them we're coming.

Next time I loan you something cashmere and expensive...

Oh, wait! There won't be a next time.

Oh, Mr. Peterson,

can I talk to you for a second?

I'm sure it'll take longer than that,

but go ahead.

This is the guy I was telling you about. Satchel Pagge.

No "I" Two "G"s.

Nice to meet you, Satchel.

Call me Satchel.

Okay, Satchel. Uh...

Hey, I don't wanna put you on the spot,

but, uh, let's hear what you got.

We got a block of nogging, rogging,

back-to-back jams coming down the pipe.

We gonna kick it off with

Milli Vanilli, Girl You Know It's True.

That's great.

And Milli Vanilli.

I know, right?

Uh, Satchel?

Please, call me Satchel.

Satchel.

Uh, how come you don't work in radio anymore?

Uh, it's a crazy story.

Maybe he can tell you when you have more time.

Well, I have time, or else I wouldn't have asked.

That's how questions work, Nick.

Uh, a person asks a question,

and then someone gives them an answer.

Well, sir, I made a lot of bad decisions.

But by the grace of God, an ankle bracelet,

and a room in a sober living facility,

I got my life right back on track.

Satchel, I appreciate your honesty.

You know what? We're gonna set you up with a recording session.

We're gonna see how it goes, and then we'll take it from there.

Wow!

Oh, thank you very much. God bless you. God bless you.

Let me show you around the studio.

Nick.

What the hell...

do you think you're doing?

What are you talking about?

That guy.

Why are you trying to help him?

Do you think

that you're actually gonna improve his life?

Maybe. Maybe not.

There's a reason he works at Army of Good, Nick.

If he had what it took to be in TV and radio,

he'd be in TV and radio.

The guy is really talented.

And where did it get him?

Seat of a panel van driving around picking things up,

dropping things off at the Army of Good?

Nick,

this helping people thing you're into,

it's a losing game.

Are you serious, man?

I tried to help somebody once.

I believe it was 1989.

Probably the biggest mistake of my life.

Cost me $145.

That's not that much.

It was to me.

And this is what I learned.

You lend a helping hand to some guy,

he's gonna take your forearm up to the elbow, Nick.

Nick, believe me,

right up to the elbow.

All right? Don't say I didn't warn you.

Nick.

Oh, hey.

It turns out Satchel's in between places right now.

So, since he has to be here

so early in the morning,

we're gonna set him up in a hotel,

so he'll be nice and close.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, thank you very much.

Mr. Peterson, God bless you.

God bless you.

And God bless you, Nick.

Hey, Brick.

Hey, Peterson.

Nick.

Right about there.

So, Satchel,

your career was derailed by drugs and alcohol,

a hot temper,

a bad attitude...

And don't forget the women.

But by the grace of God,

court-ordered psychiatric evaluations,

and a public defender, I got my life right back on track.

Nick. You know anything about this?

What is it?

It's Satchel Pagge's hotel bill.

The guy went in, and he went nuts.

Look at all this room service.

Steak and lobster,

a bottle of Dom Perignon,

fresh-baked cookies,

an ice cream sandwich.

Wait, wait. They have ice cream sandwiches?

They don't have ice cream sandwiches.

He called the concierge, and he went and got him one at the mini-mart.

That's why it's $35.

You know, Jennifer, I feel so blessed.

And I would like to personally thank Mr. Nick Kingston-Persons

and Mr. Peterson for giving me this opportunity.

Why don't you take us out, Satchel.

It would be my pleasure, Jennifer.

You're watching news you can use

with a woman so hot she could light a fuse.

Jennifer Ming, KAWT.

You're amazing.

I could sit and listen to you talk all day.

You know, I'm at the Carlyle. Room 2250. It's a suite.

Nice job, Satchel.

Oh, thank you. Oh, God bless you.

God bless you, too, Mr. Peterson.

Yeah, nice job.

And a nice suit. Where'd you get that?

From the hotel.

You know, they have a tailor

and the most amazing ice cream sandwiches.

Hey, hey...

Why don't we just get you to work, Satchel?

You know, I wanted to talk to you about that, Nick.

You know, last night I was so nervous

and worried about coming in today that I didn't sleep a wink.

Now, I was wondering if it would be all right

if I could go back to the hotel and grab some sleep.

That way I would be fresh for when we record

and my voice wouldn't crack.

That's funny, 'cause your voice was perfect just now with Jennifer.

It was straining a little bit. A little tightness up...

Mr. Peterson,

you know what? Why don't we let him get some rest.

Okay? And we'll start fresh first thing tomorrow.

Oh, thank you. God bless you, Nick.

Now, is there somewhere I can phone my driver?

Driver? You got a driver?

From the hotel. They are very nice people.

Down the hall. Down...

Thank you. God bless you. God bless you.

He's got a driver.

Well, now you've gone and done it.

Done what?

The only thing dumber than helping people

is telling people you help people.

Ridiculous.

When are you gonna learn, Nick?

When are you gonna learn?

I got to tell you, this isn't the first time

somebody's thrown out something worth a fortune.

If we're lucky, we catch it.

So, what do you do then, you just contact the owner?

Nah.

I sell it on eBay.

I mean, come on,

if you're dumb enough to throw out something worth a few hundred

or a few thousand dollars,

why should I give it back to you?

For the record,

I did not throw out my sweater, she did.

Anyway, if your sweater's here,

it's in this room.

It's gonna take forever to look through this stuff.

Actually, you got a day or so,

and then all this goes out to processing.

Well, when do you want to come back?

Come back?

Yeah, we're closing. I can't leave you in here with the lights and the air off.

Well, I could,

but you'd probably die.

Oh, man.

Hey, Nick. Uh, hey, Mr. Peterson.

You and Satchel gonna record some spots today?

You know it. Do I?

I'll tell you what I know.

I know he's not here.

I know he ran up another $900 in charges last night.

I know that I can't get a hold of the guy on the cell phone

which he bought with my money.

And I don't have a bumper, a station drop,

or even a lousy outgoing message to show for it.

Mr. Peterson, I am sure he is on his way.

And how exactly do you know that?

Jennifer Ming told me.

And how exactly does she know that?

Ugh!

You got to be kidding me.

Satchel! Where have you been?

There are people waiting on you, man.

I know, Nick, I'm sorry,

but I had to tend to some affairs.

But I would like to introduce you

to a friend of mine. This is Ernest T. Bass.

Ernest T. Bass?

That's bass like the guitar,

'cause I bring the funk!

And this is my lawyer,

Mr. Sol Rabinowitz.

Rabinowitz!

- Did you hear that? - Witz!

He's Jewish.

What do you need a lawyer for?

Well, if he didn't need one,

you wouldn't be asking that question.

Would he, Witz? Tell 'em, Witz!

Uh, before my client commences work,

uh, we thought it was important

to outline a few details

of his compensation

and participation profits.

Profits!

Wait, wait, wait.

Profits?

He's just recording a few voice-overs.

He's gonna get paid what anybody would get paid.

Precisely, and any reasonable person would agree

that my client Mr. Pagge

is certainly not anybody.

He got the platinum pipes, boy.

You got the platinum pipes? I don't think so.

Tell 'em, Witz!

What are you guys trying to pull?

Two days ago, this guy's picking up boxes at a charity.

Now, he's ordering crab claws

and ice cream sandwiches.

Amazing ice cream sandwiches, my brother.

Like the ones at the mini-mart?

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Hallelujah!

We try to do you a favor,

and this is how you do us?

We gonna do to you what you were trying to do to him.

See how you like it.

Tell 'em, Witz! NICK: Hey, hey...

Excuse me.

Excuse... Could you stop that right now, please?

Satchel.

Listen, man,

you really wanna do this?

Come on.

Nick...

I have made some bad decisions in the past.

And I'm not going to do that now.

I'm going to listen to my lawyer.

He's good.

He's Jewish.

Jewish!

Tell 'em, Witz!

Awesome!

Look at all this stuff.

I can't wait to get it on eBay.

♪ I'm getting paid I'm getting paid ♪

You know what? Let's join forces.

You start on that end, I'll start on this end.

Whatever we find, we split, uh, 60-40.

If you want 40, that's fine with me.

Fifty-fifty, then. Too late.

Oh, my gosh! Is that it? Is that it?

No.

Lindsey, get in here!

Ugh.

Wait a second.

Whew! Much better.

Kevin, check it out.

What am I supposed to do with that?

It's a kickball.

You kick it. You catch it.

You throw it at your sister.

Oh, let me see.

Boy, you throw it at her, I'ma throw it at you.

Can we keep searching?

Thank you.

Slave driver.

Oh, my gosh!

This is a genuine Jenny Chu top.

Do you know how much these things cost?

Two hundred and fifty dollars.

Mom, can I please get this?

Lindsey,

I thought used clothes gross you out.

This isn't used, this is vintage.

You know what? I'm glad this has turned into a bonanza for you guys,

but let's stay focused

at the task at hand, please.

I found a bullet!

Now, all I have to do is find the gun!

No, all you have to do is find my sweater.

Gigi, what are we looking for, again?

My sweater.

It's cashmere.

Coral, V-neck...

Three-quarter sleeve?

Three-quarter sleeve.

Huh. Mom, that sounds like your sweater.

What? What sweater?

Gigi's sweater.

Sounds just like the sweater you have.

Lindsey, I don't have a coral cashmere sweater.

Yeah, you do.

I wore it last week.

I forgot to give it back to you, though.

Well, I didn't lose it.

Mom!

Look! A panini maker!

Hey, Satchel.

Hey, Nick. All right.

God bless you. God bless you.

Hey, man, have we ever met before?

Maybe you saw me on TV or something.

Uh-uh. No, not that.

You remind me of this guy that used to live downstairs from me.

You ever been to Brooklyn?

No.

Oh. Tragic. Tragic!

Okay, Satchel, hey,

let's get this started, okay?

Come on over here.

Nick.

I want to tell you I'm sorry about all this.

It's just that after what happened to me down in Miami,

I didn't want to get taken advantage of again.

Hey, I get it. Let's do this.

God bless you.

All right. Back in the saddle.

Uh-huh.

Coming up next,

Seattle's third most-watched news program,

Jennifer Ming, Brick Street

and Nick Kingston-Persons.

It's the morning team on KAWT, Channel Four...

What's wrong? Can we stop rolling for a minute?

Hey, that sounded great. What's the problem?

Nick, I can't do this.

Yes, you can. You were doing it. It sounded great.

I know it sounded great. I have the platinum pipes.

Platinum!

What is it?

I didn't know KAWT was Channel 14.

Hey, what difference does it make?

Well, Nick,

back when I used to have a TV,

I didn't watch Channel 14,

I watched Channel 7. And one thing I learned

from all my psychiatric evaluations is,

it's good to be a man of integrity.

Now, how can I tell the people

to watch one station

when I don't even watch it?

It would be hypocritical.

Hypocritical!

Oh, man, come on!

Look, after all we did for you?

You can't say just one little sentence?

And compromise my integrity?

His integrity?

Well, your integrity

did not stop you from checking into that hotel

and ordering steak and lobster.

Oh.And buying suits!

Oh.And riding around in limos

before you knew exactly what it was you were supposed to do!

Is that what this is all about, Nick?

Money?

Yes!

Yes, it's about money!

You held out for more money! Remember?

Tell 'em, Witz!

No, no, Witz, I got this.

I got this, Witz.

Now, look, Nick.

You think just because you can put me up in a hotel,

get me a limo,

get me all kind of steaks and lobsters,

buy me suits, a watch,

get me a massage and a shave,

send Jennifer Ming by, that you own me?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, we did not send Jennifer Ming by,

all right? She went over there on her own.

Really? Be that as it may,

Nick, I thought you was a good guy.

I thought you were one of the special good brothers,

but now I can say

you no better than all the rest of 'em,

and you know what, Nick?

I'm gonna hold my head high,

and I'm gonna say, "I quit!"

Quit? You never even started, man!

Come on, let's get some ice cream sandwiches.

Come on, Witz.

Man, if you don't...

Uh...

Excuse me. I'd like to donate these items.

Nick Kingston-Persons.

Satchel?

I thought you worked at Army of Good.

I did. I was grossly underpaid. I quit.

I hope you didn't punch your boss in the face.

Well, now, Nick,

I'm way beyond that.

By the grace of God,

a 13-week anger management course

and the occasional dose of ginkgo biloba,

I'm able to prosper.

But I am a little surprised to see you dropping off.

Well, the Army of Good

didn't have any more drivers since you left.

Quit.

Yeah, uh...

The charity bin was closer.

You know, Nick, uh...

I owe you an apology.

I started watching that Channel 14,

and you guys are pretty good.

Plus, I've seen you all over, on buses

and on billboards. Man, you blowing up.

But, you know, from me to you,

don't let that go to your head.