Original subtitles

Hey, baby, I saved you a plate.

Thanks, honey.

How you doing? Long day?

Mmm-hmm.Mmm.

The next time I agree to work with college kids,

please kill me.

You know, they're planning this blogger summit

with these people from Mashable

and Daily Beast and Boing Boing,

and these people are apparently a big deal.

But so far, all their ideas suck.

I can't believe that somebody's making money

from something called Boing Boing.

I guess so.

Can't you just pass it off to somebody else?

No, it was passed off to me.

The guy who was working on it,

he had an anxiety attack and fainted in the meeting with the kids.

They thought he died.

Ooh.Yeah.

So, now they're sending two students over.

And these girls, all they do is text.

Okay, they don't even use whole words.

Everything is TTYL and OMG and BRB and XMLOP...

I mean, you know, and everything has an emoticon next to it.

You know, I feel like I'm 12 years old.

I know, baby. SMH. SMH.

Hey, Mom, did you fill out this form

to chaperone my field trip this week?

Lindsey, sweetheart, I'm sorry, I can't.

This project is taking up all my days.

Can't you get one of the other moms to go?

Hey, don't worry, baby, I got it.

Look, after I do my segment,

I'll meet you guys at the school. Thanks, Dad.

All right, look, just fill this out and I'll sign it.

Thank you, honey. I got you.

Hey, Mom, uh, can you help me

with my scene for the play?

What play? My class play.

I'm Malcolm X.

Kevin, we worked on it.

You only have one scene.

What are you worried about?

Muslims.

We get a bad review from those dudes, it's over.

I mean, besides, I have the attitude down,

I just need help with the costume.

Kevin, it's Malcolm X.

I mean, you're already black. The costume's half done.

All you need is a tie and some glasses.

Mom, can we please go look tomorrow? Please?

Guys, hey, hey, your mother has a lot on her plate right now.

So, unless it's an emergency,

you come to me, all right?

Define "emergency."

Any situation where people have to drive here

in trucks or cars with flashing lights

and leave here with one of you in the back,

all right? Now go.

Look, Dad, don't let tomorrow come,

and I don't have a tie and some glasses.

'Cause if I have to go to her, it's on you.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Oh, babe, don't forget this afternoon,

we have that appointment at the life insurance office.

Oh, that's today?

Yeah, I told you last week. Why?

Oh, I was... I was just gonna, you know,

Since you were busy with your project,

then I'm running around with the kids,

I was just thinking we'd push it off till later.

We've pushed it off for months already,

we need to get this done.

Oh, I'm just saying, you know, I thought we would do it later,

you know, because right now our lives are so hectic.

Nick, we have two kids, two jobs, and crazy in-laws.

Our lives aren't gonna get any less hectic.

Why do you keep trying to avoid this?

Because I'm superstitious, okay?

About what?

I've seen stories of people who died

in freak accidents

right after they signed their life insurance policies.

And by stories, you mean movies?

No.

Yes.

Maybe.Nick.

What? Art imitates life.

Why you laughing?

You are not gonna die in some freak accident.

How do you know that?

I don't. But if you do, we need life insurance.

Wait, wait, wait, wait...

Hi, I'm Stacy.

I'm head of the Student Body Events Planning Committee.

Hi, Stacy, I'm Suzanne. And, uh...

...this is Gigi.

Oh, my God, is that a Palmer bag?

Oh, why yes, it is.

Bri, can we focus on work for just one minute

before you start purse shopping inside your mind?

Wow, have you been listening

to our conversations, 'cause that was scary.

I don't even want to know how much you paid for this.

- Pay? Um, no... - No, sweetie.

You don't pay for a Palmer bag.

If you have to buy it, you shouldn't have it.

I don't even know where to get one.

Well, I'm sure Gigi would love to show you.

Can I? Can I?

Go.Fine.

So, this is where everything happens.

Everything what?

You're doing exactly what I want to do when I get older.

Right, older.

You know, I've done some research on you.

You do a lot of big events.

I do. And your husband's on TV.

He is.

I'm sorry, it's my boyfriend.

No problem. Go ahead.

It's like I haven't even been here five minutes,

and he's already checkin' in to see how it's going.

It's like, "Seriously, don't you have something to do?"

I know we do.

Oh, my God. What?

I love how you just did that.

What?

It's like one second, we're just talking and being casual,

and then the next, it's down to business.

That is so cool.

Argh!

Mr. and Mrs. Kingston-Persons.

Uh, so you are here to, uh, take out

a little life insurance on the mister today, huh?

Yeah, we've been putting this off

for a while and I just thought that...

Oh, excuse me for just a sec.

What it do, Flip?

- What? - What?

No, Flip, no.

Ye-eah. Word?

Ho, ho, Flip, that is bananas, son.

That is bananas!

No, a'ight, listen...

No, I got to hit you back. I got some...

Yeah, I got some people up in here.

A'ight.

A'ight, peace.

Uh, so, um, Mrs. Kingston-Persons,

you already have a policy out with us.

I do. All right,

so, Mr. Kingston-Persons,

uh, based on a number of factors we take into account,

uh, this is what we're recommending for you.

Half a million dollar term and...

Uh, excuse me.

why don't you just look this over? I got to take this.

Hey, girl.

Hey, where you at?

Word? What you doin'?

You lie.

For real?

A'ight, send me something then. Send me something.

You are crazy, girl! You crazy.

No, no, I... No, I hit you back, a'ight?

Yes, send me the rest of that.

Uh, yes... Yes?

Um, according to this, Suzanne is worth $750,000.

How come I'm only worth $500,000?

Well, there are several factors, age...

We're about the same age.Health...

I'm as healthy as she is.

Projected income.

I plan on making some money.

The numbers are what they are.

And honestly, I got to tell you, uh,

her being worth more than you,

it's probably a good thing.

I can't tell you how many guys come in here,

their wives take out policies on them,

next thing you know, no more guy.

Ooh!

Okay, for goodness sakes,

can you please stop whatever that is

and pay attention to us?

Yo, no disrespect, but check it,

if you were looking at what I'm looking at,

you'd be looking at it, too.

Really?

On my mama. Ooh!

All right, let me see it.

No, that's inappropriate.

Uh, you already crossed the line.

I want to see why.

Eh, uh, don't show him.

I'm not, I'm not.

Wow.

Okay. Yeah, that...

That's impressive.

Hey, wha...

So, we good?

No, no! No, not quite.

Look, I can give you a policy for whatever you want.

I mean, I can give you over $10 million.

It just means more commission for me,

but the numbers say half a million.

You know, well, why don't you think about it and let me know?

Excuse me.

Oh, girl, you crazy.

Hey, man.

You need to fix those stairs outside.

Whoa, bring it down, Samuel L.

What's wrong with them?

They're not safe for walking on.

I almost tripped and broke my neck.

No wonder you built a bar at the bottom of those stairs. Shoot.

Walking in here, you need a drink.

You're not gonna have a business much longer

if you try to kill everybody that walks in here.

What's gotten into you?

Went to see the life insurance agent.

So, what'd they put you down for?

Half a million.

Not bad.

Except Suzanne's policy was worth $750,000.

Wow, go Suzanne.

How am I supposed to get up every morning

knowing that if something were to happen to me,

it wouldn't make any difference,

because I am only worth a portion of what my woman is worth?

Well, you're not supposed to wake up every morning thinking about that.

But if you must, I suggest you fire off a note to Nick Cannon,

ask how he deals with it.

Okay, it's not about you.

It's about taking care of your family.

Says the guy with no family and no life insurance.

See that's where you're wrong.

I may not have kids, but I do have family, and I have life insurance.

Why do you have life insurance?

All right, you're single. You have no kids. What?

But you might recall I do have a mother.

If anything ever happens to me,

I want to make sure that she's always taken care of.

Plus, when you tell women that, you would not believe...

Oh, come, oh, no, hey, hey, man,

look, that, that right there

is equal parts sweet, clever, and evil.

I know. I'm proud of it.

Look, man, the point is your wife makes more than you do.

It's not like you plan on ever benefiting from that,

so what difference does it make?

If I were you,

I would concentrate more on the not-dying part.

I would, if you would do something about those stairs.

You're cut off.

As-salaam alaikum, my brother, as-salaam alaikum.

Well, alaikum salaam. You ready for dinner?

Dinner, my brother?

Merely sitting down at this table

does not make this a dinner.

Where is the food?

Where are the utensils, huh?

I mean, are we supposed to simply lick the plates

and hope that there is some taste left on them

from the last people who used them?

Who are you supposed to be?

Leave him alone. He's in character for his class play.

Well, it's not Broadway. It's the seventh grade.

Do you think this is what I prefer to do with my time?

This is not a choice. It's a dilemma.

Either perform the undesirable task well, or suffer the consequences.

I didn't land in the seventh grade.

The seventh grade landed on me.

Um, Kevin...

Malcolm, can you pass the croutons?

Croutons?

Why, my brother, do you want croutons?

Is the flavor of the salad so strong

that you have to weaken it with the bland taste of the dry white bread?

Because you can't accept the greens for what they are?

What used to be whole is now half.

What used to be fresh is now fried.

What used to be crispy is now crummy.

Can you pass the croutons, man, please?

Thank you.

What the...

Why do you look like Smooth Criminal?

I went out with Briana last night.

Now, Gigi, why would you do that?

That girl is half your...

Two-thirds your age.

I was trying to help.

I know it's been a while since both of us have been to college.

So, since we're doing a college function,

I thought it'd be a good idea to find out

what the college kids are into.

And?

Alcohol, lots of alcohol.

Gosh, I just hate to admit it,

but my ass is too old to be doing Jell-O shots.

Morning.

Good morning, Stacy. Where's, uh, Briana?

Someplace looking like that.

They went out last night, and it didn't go so well.

Excuse me, I am gonna go wedge my head

between the elevator doors and see if it'll get rid of this headache.

So, you didn't go out last night?

No, I wanted to go over some plans with you this morning.

And I didn't get started till late

because when I got back to my room,

my boyfriend was there with food.

So, then I had to eat and talk to him

for like two hours and then work, too.

There was no way I was going out for shots.

The boyfriend? Yes!

It's like, do you seriously need to text me

every single minute of the day?

The husband, checkin' on me.

So, how long have you two been together again?

About two years now.

And he's talking marriage and kids,

I'm like, can I get a career first?

Oh, that's probably smart.

He does sound like a nice guy though.

He is.

I just don't want to base my life depending on a man.

Quick, call 911.

Gigi got her head stuck in the elevator doors.

There's weave everywhere.

So, what can I do for you today, Mr. Kingston-Persons?

Well, first of all,

you could put a wet floor sign out there.

How is it gonna look for your company

when somebody comes in here trying to protect themselves

in the event something unfortunate occurs

and then something unfortunate occurs?

Oh, excuse me for just a second...

Don't answer that phone, man.

Yeah, but I just wanted to... Da, da, duh.

I should... Just wanted...

Okay.

Have a seat.

All right, I just need you to do one thing for me,

and then you can talk on the phone all you want.

Okay, shoot, shoot.

All right, now, see,

what I need to know is how much would I be worth if I was single?

Oh, listen, man,

between me and you, I don't know what you're planning,

but I can't be a part of this.

I'm not planning to do anything, man.

Look, I just need you to run the numbers,

and find out how much I would be worth if I wasn't married.

Hey, hey, hey, stay with me.

Okay, yeah, okay, hold on, just a... Just a minute here.

Let's see, uh,

so we're going to use your application,

the same health records, same income projectors,

no wife, and, uh, no kids.

Uh, in that case, I would recommend

a policy of, uh, $250,000 term life.

What? Without my wife, I'm only half as much?

Hey...

Okay, and the premiums are higher, too.

You see, uh, most, uh, men that are single

are more reckless than married men, so, uh...

Listen, man, all I'm trying to say is,

having a wife makes you much more valuable

than you would be if, you know,

something happened to her.

Nothing's gonna happen to my wife, man!

Can I please get this?

Go ahead. Oh!

Yeah, yeah!

Uh, hey, listen, say hi to your wife for me, okay?

No, no!

Okay, do I need to separate you two?

What is this?

We're going to a flash mob.

Let's show her.

Okay, you're gonna be really excited about this.

Ready? Okay.

Five, six, seven, eight.

♪ Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh

♪ Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh

♪ Uh!

Pow!

Wow.

Until last night, I'd never heard of a flash mob,

but they want to open the summit with it.

They feel that it's the perfect way

to integrate the immediacy

of the cyber world... Thank you...

With the intimacy of human interaction.

Well, okay, that's a fine idea.

You're so amazing. I know.

You're just so amazing. You're so great. And you're gorgeous.

And I just love you.

You're so great. Oh, my gosh, you're too much!

I'm gonna be outside, okay? Okay, in one minute.

Okay. One minute, okay!

Oh, my gosh, okay, all right.

If you ever work with college students again,

you keep them away from me?

Oh, so it's my fault that you're exhausted and hung over every day?

Listen, she keeps flattering me.

You know I can't resist flattery.

Did you hear her?

I mean, come on.

I can't help it. I love her.

Okay, no more, bye-bye.

Look, could you just give it a break?

I don't know.

Whatever you want it to mean. Fine.

Trouble in paradise?

Could you explain to me why men are so stupid?

No.

It's like, I'm in school,

he's working, we're both busy,

and then he's all like,

"Well, how come it seems like

"I'm always making time for you

"but you're not making time for me?"

I'm like, "I'm not not making time,

"I don't have time. There's a difference."

And then he's like,

"Well, you think you're worth

"so much more than me. It's not like you're Oprah."

And I'm like, "God, I did not say that."

It's so stupid!

Maybe. And then he's like,

"Well, if you don't have time for me,

"then why are we together?"

That's actually a good question, Stacy.

I can't go through school all over again.

I can't start a career again.

But I can always find another guy.

Well, just so you know, sweetheart,

there's a big difference between finding another guy

and finding another good guy.

Yo, Gigi done left yet?

Yes, Ali.

Oh...

Hey, babe.

How did it go with Lindsey?

It was good.

How'd it go with the play?

Everybody was talking about how good Kevin was.

They were like, "You got the next Denzel on your hands."

I filmed it with his flip cams.

He'll be showing you over and over

and over again, my sister.

Baby...

I want to say thank you for all

that you've done this week.

I wouldn't have been able to do it without you.

See, now you're just being nice.

All right, 'cause you were doing it

without me when I met you.

I'm pretty sure you can handle yourself now.

Nick, what's bothering you?

Me? Nothing.

I'm cool.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

Okay,

then why haven't you signed the insurance papers?

What is the rush?

It's just that it's been three days,

and you're not dead yet,

so I figured there must be some other reason

you don't want life insurance.

Why you always be trying to break people down?

Because I love you and I want the truth.

All right.

Okay.

Baby, I would do anything for you and the kids,

including risk my life to get life insurance, all right?

But when you're sitting there,

and somebody's telling you that your woman is worth

a quarter of a million dollars more than you,

I was like, "Whoa."

Really?

Really what?

You're freaking out over a computer estimate?

Well, how would you feel

if your worth was estimated

at a quarter of a million dollars less than mine?

I'd be like, "Yo, you got me, right?"

Come on, it's not the same. I'm supposed to get you.

Oh, but I'm not supposed to get you.

It's not a competition, Nick.

That's 'cause you winning.

Yes. Yes, I am.

But I'm not winning because I have a better life insurance quote.

I'm winning because I have a better life,

and that's because I've got you.

So, are you saying you got me, or you got me?

Both.

Now, will you please sign the papers?

I'll do it tomorrow.

Good, 'cause you ain't worth nothing

if you messing with my money.

Turn on the game.

Yes, Ma'am.