Original subtitles

Hello, Nick.

Hey, Mr. Peterson.

I wanted to talk to you about a...

"You scratch my back, I scratch your back" situation.

Okay, well, I'm listening.

I know. I can see that. Can I finish?

What would you do for two tickets

to the Mariners' home opener?

Anything, as long as you don't film it.

Excellent. Okay, great.

Expect Toby Palmer, first thing in the morning.

Wait, wait, wait... Whoa, whoa. Expect who to do what?

Nick, get with the program.

Toby Palmer is the friend

of a golfing buddy of the president of the network.

Oh, you didn't say all that.

I just did say all that.

Look, the point is, Toby Palmer,

he's having a rough go of it right now,

so I'm bringing him in as your new assistant.

So, I get an assistant and Mariners tickets?

No. You get an assistant.

I get the Mariners tickets.

So, if I'm scratching your back by taking the assistant,

you're scratching my back how?

I'm not.

I'm scratching the back of the network president

by hiring his buddy,

and he's scratching mine by giving me Mariner's tickets.

So, nobody's scratching my back?

Nobody cares that my back is all itchy?

Well, uh, you have a new assistant.

Have him scratch your back.

Mr. Peterson...

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

I don't see why I have to be the one to babysit this guy.

I don't want an assistant.

One minute they're getting you coffee,

and the next minute they're all up in your business.

Sweetheart,

just start with coffee and sandwiches and see how it goes.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. Why?

'Cause you're sniffling and making a "Krch! Krch!" sound.

Are you sick?

Must me some...

Some dust in the air or something.

Okay, Mom, but if you are sick,

I don't think it's a good idea

for you to make brownies for my bake sale.

I mean, we can just pick them up

from the store or something.

One, I'm not sick.

Two, everything has to be homemade,

and three, your teacher is expecting my triple-chocolate,

triple-moist brownies.

They were a huge hit last year.

Mom...

Are you sure you're not catching a cold?

'Cause that sounds like a cold.

No, it's just allergies.

Okay, maybe we should pick you up some allergy medicine.

I don't need allergy medicine, okay?

I'll be fine.

Bon Appetit.

Don't eat that.

Can I help you?

Mr. Kingston-Persons,

I'm Toby Palmer, your new assistant.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Nice to meet you. All right.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Uh, you know, just a second.

You know, somebody parked in my parking space,

and that always throws me off.

I can imagine.Hmm.

Hey, uh, look, man.

I'm kind of new to this whole assistant thing.

And I'm gonna need you to kind of chill

until I can figure out what it is I need for you to do.

I'm chillin'. I'm just waiting for you to settle in.

FYI, I came in early and printed out

the scores for you from last night.Hmm.

I also had research compile a highlight reel for you.

I went over your prompter

and got you a nice Red Eye.

Oh, oh, okay, thanks.

Toby.

Toby. All right.

Anything else?

Uh, you know what?

Yeah, there is, um,

why don't you find the guy

who parked in my parking space

and put a brick through his window.

You got it. Which parking space is yours?

Forty three.

Oh, um...

How about no brick this time?

But I'll find him, and I'll, uh...

I'll have that car moved.

Okay, hey, but remember,

next time, brick through the window.

Big ol' brick. All right.

Can I get you ladies anything else?

Yeah, can you turn on the air?

It's like a sauna in here.

No, it's not. Are you getting sick?

No, I don't get sick. I'm just hot, okay?

Ah.

Gigi, anything for you?

Oh, yes, I need you to pick me up this Friday at 8:00

to take me to a party and some ketchup, please.

Well, here's the ketchup.

And as far as taking you to a party goes,

I'm sorry, but my sucker license expired about a month ago.

Oh, come on, Martin.

I need you to go with me. It's an ex party.

An ex party? What is that?

Ugh, you know, one of those parties

where everybody brings an ex.

Her loss could be your gain.

Oh, I get it.

So you take me to a party... Uh-huh.

...and you tell everyone that I suck.

No, thank you.

I get told that enough without making a special trip for it.

Come on, Martin, you have to look at the big picture.

Enough about the big picture. Let's talk little picture.

Mm-hmm. Who's the guy?

Richard Barry. 6'2", former athlete, entrepreneur.

Ooh! He's been off the market for a year, but...

Ooh.

Yeah, well, his ex is friends with a woman I know,

and she told me that he had a thing for Gigi,

but, you know, it was before he settled for his ex.

Mm-hmm, and of course, it didn't work out,

because, well, she wasn't me.

Well, as much as I would love

to help you, no can do.

I have a date that night.

Her name is Lexi, and it is about to be closing time.

If you're gonna keep doing that,

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

I don't want you getting the whole bar sick.

I am not sick, okay?

It's allergies...

Good morning, everybody.

Hey, dad. Good morning.

Morning, Nick.

Toby, what are you doing here?

Oh, Toby brought us a pastry basket.

Wow. How did you know where I live?

Oh, I followed you home last night.

You what? I'm kidding.

I'm your assistant. How can I not know where you live?

Your business is my business.

Anyway, sit, eat.

Sweetheart, can you pass me a napkin?

Uh, Mom, you don't sound so good.

You know, a little cayenne pepper in your tea

will dry those mucus membranes right up.

Okay, can we not talk about mucus at the table, please?

I'm sorry. Have a scone.

Do black people even eat scones?

Of course you do. You guys call them biscuits.

So, in England, can you get, like, a bacon, egg, and cheese scone?

Like, a McScone?

Actually, funny you should ask.

Hey, you know what? We really got to get going.

Uh, why don't you get the car started, I'll get the keys.

Hey, got 'em.

I'm gonna get that car started. Enjoy breakfast, guys.

Thank you, Toby. See ya.

See ya later. I'll see ya out there in a minute.

Okay, enjoy your scones.

Thanks.

That's not a little weird to you?

No.

Baby, he brought breakfast.

That's not weird that's thoughtful.

Yeah, okay, thoughtful.

That dude reminds me of the crazy person

in every movie with a stalker.

Misery, Fear, Obsessed,

One Hour Photo, Fatal Attraction,

Single White Female, Vanilla Sky, Swimfan.

Ooh, I love that movie.

Nick, what is your point?

My point is, it starts with scones,

and it ends up with somebody

handcuffed to a chair in a pool.

Listen, Nick...

All I'm saying is that it is better to have an assistant

who does too much than one who does too little.

I am not sick!

Lindsey, uh...

Go to the drugstore and pick up your mother some cold medicine.

Don't need it.

See you guys later.

Bye, dad. SUZANNE: Bye, honey.

Ugh, Kevin,

we'll bake your brownies later on this week, okay?

Okay, Mom.

No. What am I gonna do?

I cannot let her bake brownies.

I don't want to be responsible

for the outbreak of the century.

Okay, look, I don't usually offer this,

but since it's an emergency, I'll bake them.

Right, I want brownies, not blackies.

I mean, you're not the only one with problems.

At least you know where yours are coming from.

So, Lexi canceled on you. Why?

That's what I wanted to know, so I called her.

She won't talk to me.

So, I said, "Fine, she's a flake, I'll move on."

I go to the girl in second position.

She won't go out with me either.

She said she saw me on one of those

"Don't date this guy" websites.

So, I look it up. Sure enough, there's my face,

big red line through it, the word "warning" flashing underneath.

What? You?

Oh, no, that's crazy. Not you, not you.

Right?

I haven't felt this alone since...

Since Michael Jackson died.

Yeah, man. You cried more than Blanket.

What's up with that?

He provided the soundtrack to my youth.

So, do you know who put you on there?

Eh? Some girl named Fifi.

The thing is, I've never dated a girl named Fifi,

or if I did, she wasn't memorable.

And you wonder why you're on the list.

All I know is, I got to find out who this girl is,

get her to take me off that website.

I mean, if none of the girls in town will touch me,

what am I gonna do with myself?

Uh-uh, don't drink that.

Why?

I got you a coffee right here.

Whoa, what happened to you?

Crazy story.

So, I didn't take my car, right? I took yours,

because my parking space

is, like, way on the other side of everything.

And you know how I put that sign up over your spot?

It's like, okay, parking spot, done deal, right?

You took my car?

Wait, here's the kicker.

So, I got your coffee and mine, which I'm sipping.

I'm about to swing back into your spot,

and, whoa! Slam the brakes!

Some jack-hole parked in your spot.

And then, splash, coffee all over everything.

Anyway, I remember what you said,

so I "did" what needed to be done.

And then I parked in the visitor spots.

And now that you have the cafe in your hand,

I'm gonna take your car to go get detailed.

Whoa, whoa, no, no.

What did you do that needed to be done?

I threw a brick through the jack-hole's window

like you said when I parked in your spot.

That was you?

Yeah, sorry.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You threw a brick through somebody's car window?

Low and on the outside.

Strike!

Then I had him towed. You're outta here!

What? Who?

Nick! Nick!

Nick, buddy, call security. I think I got a stalker.

What?

Some crazy threw a brick through the window of my Porsche,

and now they're towing it.

What the hell is happening? It's a Porsche.

You can't do that to a Porsche.

How about you pound a kielbasa and a couple of cold ones?

It's a hottie and a young one.

Toby!

Toby!

Thanks for helping me out, Marilyn.

Still don't know why you called me.

I mean, why can't your mother do this?

Well, she has a cold, but she doesn't want to admit it.

Hello!

Oh, snap, that's them!

They weren't supposed to be home for another hour!

Hide this! Hide!

Hey.

Hey, guys.

Phew!

Where's Lindsey?

Oh, she's upstairs. She's not home. She's upstairs.

Wait, is she not home or is she upstairs?

Well, she wasn't home. She's home now.

She's upstairs. Kevin didn't see her.

So, what have you guys been up to?

Nothing!

Mmm, it smells good in here.

Mmm.

Really? I don't smell anything.

Uh...

Uh, hey, maybe it's your perfume, baby, you know?

You can't smell it

'cause you've been wearing it all day.

Honey, I'm not wearing any perfume.

Uh, well, whatever it is, it smells good.

Mmm.

Oh, maybe it's my new bath oil.

But I can't believe you've been with me this whole time

and you're just smelling it now?

Ooh, me either.

Why don't you go upstairs and run yourself a bath

and get it going fresh?

Ooh! Sookie-Sookie now!

All of a sudden, you're not worried about my "cold."

Ooh, smelling like that, you can give me whatever you got.

Okay, baby, why don't you go on upstairs,

and I'll be up there in a minute.

Run that bath, girl. You run that bath. Yes.

What is wrong with you, man?

If you're gonna be sneaking around people's backs,

doing stuff they're not supposed to know about,

you need to tell somebody.

So, where are you going?

I'm going to get some vitamin C,

some vapor rub, some Echinacea, and some rubber gloves.

That chick is not getting me sick.

Thank you.

Psst.

Nick.

Toby? What are you doing?

Don't say my name.

Don't look directly at me.

Here, eat something.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I've been going through a lot of personal stuff lately.

I didn't mention it,

but my girlfriend and I got into a huge fight.

Oh, man. What happened?

She's dead.

What? To me.

Don't be pausing like that, man.

Anyway, she left me and took my dog,

so I stole him back.

Cute, right?

Yeah.

Well, he's in hiding now.

They're trying to serve me with a subpoena

and a restraining order.

But I didn't want to leave you hanging, you know?

Can't really be out here, but...

If you need me, hit me. Here's a burner.

Hmm.

Um, Toby, why don't you take a personal day, man?

You know what? I'm good.

You forgot your mop.

Here's your lunch.

Suzanne, Gigi, I need your help.

Martin, what's going on?

I'm a pretty good guy, right? Uh-huh.

I mean, I'm the kind of guy who would take a woman to an ex party.

I wing-manned you right into a date.

Yeah, yeah, you did.

So, how could I have wronged a woman so badly

that she would put me on a "Don't date this jerk" website?

For the life of me, I can't figure it out.

It has to be someone I dated recently.

She calls herself Fifi Del Fuego,

which I know has got to be fake.

I mean, seriously. Fifi on fire? What is that?

Well, maybe she was hot and irrational.

I mean, okay, if I did something wrong, at least tell me what it is.

Don't tell the world I'm a jerk, and then run and hide.

Martin, I see your point, you know?

That would just be mean...

Evil...

Diabolical.

Don't you need to blow your nose?

Gigi! What?

Tell him. Tell him what?

Tell me what? Gigi!

Okay.

I'm sorry.

You. You're Fifi Del Fuego.

How could you?

Well, I needed you to take me to that party, Martin.

Well, the party is over. Get me off of that website!

I'm trying. I just can't remember the password.

What are you doing?

Oh, hold on.Cheese.

What's that for?

If my name and face isn't off that website by tomorrow,

yours goes up on one.

I'm not gonna tell you what website,

but I think you'll figure it out.

You'll probably recognize the head,

but maybe not the body so much, Fifi.

By the way, 28 Days Later...

Go to a doctor.

Ah, Nick, I would like to introduce you to, um...

Toby?

Nick, what are you doing here?

You guys know each other?

The assistant.

Oh, you're the weirdo.

That's what you told him? I'm weird?

I'm not weird.

Well, it's a little weird,

considering we've been chatting for, like, an hour,

and you never mentioned that you're my best friend's assistant.

Dude, what are you doing here?

Did you follow me here?

Well, I was here first, so maybe you followed me.

All right, Toby, look,

I know you're going through a rough patch, all right?

I know you lost your girlfriend,

your dog's in witness protection,

you're avoiding a subpoena,

and you got a restraining order.

But look, man, this here is just not cool, man!

I don't know what you're saying.

That's because you're a weirdo.

So, what are you trying to say?

He's saying you're weird.

You know what?

I'm saying that you're fired.

That was weird.

Mmm... Smell good?

Aha!

You didn't think I'd know, huh? Huh? Huh?

You almost got a hot pan of brownies in your face.

I can't believe you're baking brownies behind my back.

Mom, listen. I'm sorry, okay?

But I had to. You're patient zero,

and I don't want to be responsible for the outbreak.

Move out of the way.

Let me see these.

Did you use my recipe?

Yes.

Even though I think I could have done them better,

the kids insisted.

Triple-chocolate?

Triple-moist.

These actually look pretty...

Okay...

I'm sick.

Those are yours.

Hey.

Don't forget about your wardrobe fitting after the broadcast.

What are you doing here, man? I fired you.

Well... Technically, you can't.

You didn't hire me.

I'm gonna get you a coffee.

You seem... Jumpy.

Hello.

Hello. Good to see you.

Good to see you. Would you like a coffee?

No, thanks.

Mr. Peterson...

Hey, man, can I ask you something?

Something else?

No... Toby is crazy, right?

Oh, yeah.

He's nuttier than a squirrel's cheeks.

You knew? Absolutely.

Wait. Did I do something to you, man?

No.

Then why?

Listen, this guy, he's connected, okay?

Just hand him off to somebody else here, you know?

Just keep him in the building, that's all.

Then you'll be in the clear.

Then somebody's gonna be coming back to me,

asking me why I did that to them.

There's got to be a way to get him to quit.

Good luck with that.

Brick.

Peterson.

Brick...

Are you still looking for the guy who towed your car?

It's not a car.

It's a Porsche!

He threw a brick through the window of my Porsche.

I know.

I can't live without a Porsche!

If God had wanted me to live without a Porsche,

he wouldn't have made Porsches!

And he wouldn't have made me.

That's him. Huh?

He did it.

Oh, yeah, you can run,

but I'm gonna catch you...

Then get a Porsche!