Original subtitles

Hey, Nick!

Hey, Mr. Peterson!

Hey, you seem like the kind of guy

who likes to help kids, am I right?

Yeah, I'm for the kids.

All right, that's why I want you, yes, you,

to host this year's KAWT telethon.

Really? Me?

No. The guy behind you.

Try to keep up, Nick.

It's this Saturday from 6:00 to 6:00,

and all you have to do is raise half a million dollars

for the Games and Sports Community Club?

The Games and Sports Community Club?

That place is so rundown, I heard Brad Pitt was like,

"Hey, man, I'm gonna go work in New Orleans."

Too soon, Nick.

A half a million dollars is a lot of money.

Hence the telethon.

Look, if the kids had the money, they wouldn't need you.

Nick, you can do this.

We got the best time slot.

The whole city's watching.

And, boy, you're not gonna believe the acts we've booked.

I mean, it's a no-brainer.

Okay, I guess.

All right! Fantastic! It's up to you and the kids now, Nick.

Don't let 'em down.

Here you go, Brick.

Nick, you're not my favorite person.

But you're not my least favorite person.

Just trying to give you a piece of perspective.

Okay.

If you see Peterson, run.

He's desperate to find a host for this year's telethon, all right?

I said no.

Thunder said no. Jennifer laughed.

Enrico pretended not to understand English.

It's for the kids. I understand all of that.

But this telethon? Ha-ha! The time slot's horrible. Nobody watches.

They got the worst performers on the planet.

You don't make the money, everybody blames the host.

Look, I hate to break it to you, all right?

These kids don't care about you. They're going down.

They're gonna take you with 'em, all right?

Wake up and smell the... Whatever that is.

Coffee. That's right.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Argh!

Hey, sweetheart.

Is this the part where I'm supposed to ask, "What's wrong?"

I'm trying to find something to do

for my community service hours,

and everything's already taken.

Lindsey, I've been telling you to do this for three months.

Now you're looking?

Three months?

I didn't know they were gonna base part of my grade on it.

Crazy, right?

Those people at school

asking you to do things and then grading you on them?

What is wrong with them?

Right?

And now, if I don't do

eight hours of service by Monday, I'm gonna get an "F."

Like, how is that even possible?

Well, maybe next time, you'll listen to me.

Not you too!

Me too what?

Forget it. What is wrong?

Nothing. I just got stuck

hosting that stupid telethon this weekend.

Oh, did something bad happen? An earthquake?

A flood? A fire? A tsunami?

No, nothing like that.

It's for the Games and Sports Community Club.

Oh, I know that place. It has a lagoon.

No, that's the football field.

Well, honey, this sounds like a good thing.

Why don't you want to do it?

Oh, Brick Street said it was a horrible gig.

Okay, so back out.

It's not that easy.

Yes, it is. That's why they call it "backing out."

You don't have to invent a new way to get out of it.

I guess.

Aren't you gonna ask me about my day?

No, I'm kidding.

How was your day, baby?

Amazing! You know Mr. Parker, the real estate mogul?

Yeah, yeah, I know that guy.

He's got, like, a monopoly on half of Seattle.

Tch. That guy's got hotels,

railroads, utility companies, houses.

But wasn't he wrapped up in a tax scandal a while back?

Yeah, but you know those rich guys.

It's like they have some sort of "get out of jail free" card.

Anyway, tomorrow,

he is hiring me to plan his wedding.

Bam!

Uh, baby? Baby, baby. Huh?

That's good news, but, uh, "bam"? That's mine.

Oh.

Baby, baby. Huh?

The dance is mine too.

Gigi? Huh.

This is incredible.

This man is worth $10.6 billion dollars.

This is why I became an event planner.

This is why I love money.

Hello, ladies. I'm Mr. Parker.

How are you? How are you?

Ah, Mr. Parker. I'm Suzanne Kingston-Persons.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

And this is my lovely assistant Gigi.

Nice to meet you.

Okay, well, on our initial consultation,

we'd like to find out how you see your wedding.

Like, if you see it, um,

you know, in Italy or-or Paris,

or Paris.

No, no, no, no, no, I want a real American wedding.

See, my fiancee is a Russian mail-order bride.

I want to show her what makes this country so great.

So, uh, the wedding...

It's gonna take place at the mall.

Okay, New York City,

Central Park, nice!

No, no, not the mall at the park, the shopping mall downtown.

See, since she's Russian,

I want to give my fiancee the most American experience possible.

Okay. Well,

um, that might take a little longer to plan than the typical year.

A year?

How about a week? I don't want to waste time. Time is money.

But, Mr. Parker, there is so much to do. I mean,

we don't even have a color scheme.

Orange and green.

Ooh, Mr. Parker, with all due respect,

orange and green don't really go together.

Tell that to an orange tree.

I'll give you $30,000 for this.

Okay.

Put it on my tab.

Mr. Peterson, I was looking for you.

Are we gonna do this every time we see each other?

Right. Well, it's about the telethon.

Oh, hold that thought, Nick.

I want you to meet somebody. Melinda?

This is Melinda. She's, uh...

Poor.

She's one of the kids you'll be helping

when you host the telethon.

Hey, sweetie.

Hi. Can I have a sandwich?

Don't bother Mr. Kingston-Persons with that.

I'll get you the sandwich. She's real hungry.

Anyway, what were you saying?

Nothing. Um, I just can't wait to host that telethon.

I'm glad to hear it.

All right. Thanks, Nick.

Enjoy that sandwich.

I'll try.

Okay, thank you.

Hello, ladies!

I have good news.

Well, let's hear it!

We can rent out the mall and close it to the public.

What? No, no.

I want the mall and all the stores open to the public.

I want to see Americans everywhere. Babies, old people,

young people, skinny people, fat people, fat babies.

I want to see everyone everywhere!

Okay.

What else you got?

Well, we're having a hard time making orange and green work.

Ah, maybe you're right. Maybe you're right. Need something else.

We should tie it all together with gold!

Gold works with everything.

The food could all be on gold plates and gold platters,

gold accents everywhere! It's fantastic!

I love it! Done deal! I'll be back!

Dad, your telethon is to help save a community club, right?

Yep.

So, if I worked with you, it would be like community service, right?

I guess.

How long does your telethon last?

Twelve hours.

Oh, my gosh, that's perfect!

Do you think if you said I worked on it,

I could get credit for my service hours?

Yeah. But you got to work on it.

What do I have to do?

Well, answer phones, take pledges...

Oh, that's perfect! I love phones. Thank you.

Hey, Dad, can I work the telethon too?

Hey, Kev, I am proud of you, man.

That is a great thing to do.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, that's awesome. I've been doing a little research,

and these telethons always bring out the stars.

Oh, Kevin, it's...

Wyclef, George Clooney, Kanye West, Will Ferrell.

Uh, Kev, it's... Hey, do you think

you can get Robert Downey, Jr.?

Because if you do, I want to sit next to him, okay?

I mean, he is Iron Man. Iron Man is awesome.

Hey, you think he'll bring the suit?

Kevin...'Cause that suit is awesome.

I mean, I'm gonna be the man at school.

Listen! Me, Will Ferrell,

Kanye, George Clooney, and Robert Downey, Jr. That's awesome!

Hello, ladies!

This is my wedding party.

Wow.

"Wow" is right!

Orange, green, and gold.

Done deal. Now, for the food...

Oh, yes, uh, Mr. Parker,

I-I think I found a caterer who...

Caterer schmaterer.

Look, we're all gonna eat,

get this, you ready?

At the food court.

Food court.

The food court! What could be more American than a food court?

You wanna eat it? They got it.

Chinese food, hot dog on a stick, French fries in a cup,

burgers, pizza, prefab salads, smoothies,

ice cream!

And you can eat it all on a tray...

A gold tray.

Okay, so n-no caterer. How about a cake?

Ah, yes, the wedding cake.

It's gonna be a beautiful,

seven-tier, white icing,

cinnamon bun.

What do you think?

Ooh!

Uh, Mr. Parker?

Yes, yes.

You have a lot of money.

Yes, I do.

But all I have is my reputation.

Yes.

And I don't think I can do this.

Do you think you can if I double your fee?

Triple it.

Quadruple it! Done deal!

Now, I want you to meet Vlamishka.

She's coming in tonight. Set up a place,

and you send me the details!

Gigi! What?

I'm sitting here talking about my reputation,

and you ask for more money?

He's gonna give us four times as much.

Now, if we're going down, we're going down in a pile of cash!

Pile of cash.

Welcome to the KAWT telethon

for the Games and Sports Community Club.

Here's your host, Nick Kingston-Persons!

Hey! I'm Nick Kingston-Persons.

And we're gonna be here

for the next 12 hours raising money

until we reach our goal of a half a million dollars!

We're gonna kick things off with an amazing group of performers

who juggle chainsaws

and puppies!

All the way from Thailand,

Internet sensation, The Buzz Puppies!

Where are all the celebrities, you know?

Where's Wyclef? Where's Kanye?

Where's Rihanna? Where's Lil Wayne?

Lil' Flip? Lil' Twist? Lil' Lil? Lil' Peanut?

Where are all the bigs, you know? Big Sean?

Big Bub? Big Lurch? Big Daddy Kane?

Big Bank Hank? I mean, what...

I was trying to tell you, man.

They're not coming.

What?

What kind of a bootleg telethon is this, man?

Wow!

Who knew 15 minutes of bucket drumming would be so exciting?

Give it up for the Bucket Breaker Orchestra!

Oh, looks like the phone lines are lighting up.

What do you mean you want to donate only $10?

Did you just see that act?

That's the best bucket drumming I've ever seen.

Okay, now, that's more like it.

Lindsey, who are you talking to?

Kelly, does my hair look cute?

Oh, I know. See, I used this new shampoo.

And then I curled it. I was like, "Oh, yeah, baby, I'm gonna be on TV."

All right, all right, look, I have my whole family here.

My son, my daughter, and my mother.

Looks like she's taking a big donation.

- What am I wearing? - Why don't you watch it!

Okay, it's time to see how much money we've raised so far.

Uh, let's go to the board.

Drum roll, please!

All right, well, it's still early.

Uh, but this next act is guaranteed to open your purse strings, all right?

Uh, you've heard of knife throwers.

But this next act has a knife catcher.

Please welcome brothers Buck and Bowie,

the Fabulous Flying Knives!

Oh! Oh. Uh...

We'll be right back after these messages.

Somebody call 911. Ma.

The phones don't call out.

Um, if-if you're 911, can you call us, please?

Right now,

I'd like to welcome someone who will tell us

why we're doing this tonight, a very special guest,

KAWT's own Brick Street.

All right, yeah, thank you for that introduction, Nick, but I can't.

First of all, I'm not a guest. I work here.

And tonight I'm certainly not special.

That would imply this evening is about me.

Is that what you think, Nick? This evening's about me?

Well, if so, you're wrong, because tonight's about...

The poor kids who benefit from the Games and Sports Community Club.

Kids like Melinda. Now, Melinda here loves football.

Why don't you tell 'em why, sweetheart.

I used to play football with my daddy.

Because you used to play football with your daddy.

It pulls at the heart strings, doesn't it?

And where's your daddy now? Prison?

I hear a lot of football players end up there.

He's dead.

He's dead. Wow. I mean, that sucks.

I think even Nick won't disagree with that.

So, your only memory of your daddy was playing football,

and now he's dead.

But when you go to the Community Club,

you watch the people play football,

it reminds you of daddy, am I right?

That's right. Yeah.

Can I have a sandwich?

I don't know.

Thank you, Brick. Let's check on those phones.

$40? Yeah, man, we'll take whatever you got.

I mean, are you watching this thing?

We need a telethon to help this telethon.

And I was like, "Yeah." And he was like, "No." And I was like, "Yeah."

And he was like...

Aw, man, look, I'll have to call you back, Kelly.

I'm getting another call. Yeah, I know.

Look, man, I told you, no, you have the wrong number.

All right, I'll say it, but it's gonna cost you. $300.

Let me see if I can find an extension.

Right now, I'd like to welcome a friend of mine

who stopped by to make a donation.

Tell 'em who you are.

Hi, I'm Martin, owner of the Bar Martin.

Plenty of parking. Drink specials till 9:00.

And I am here to donate $500.

And now I'd like to perform an original song.

So, here's Martin with an original composition,

This Is For The Kids.

♪ This is for the kids

♪ T-H-I-S is

♪ The T-H-E kids That is what this is

♪ This is for the kids For doing all you dids

♪ The T-H-E kids

♪ That is what this is

Mmm.

It is lovely to meet you, Vlamishka.

Yes, yes, I like it.

So, Vlamishka,

are you excited about getting married in a mall?

Yes, yes, I like it.

I love you!

Yes, yes, I like.

That's why I love this woman. She likes everything I do.

Aww.

Well, that's a nice song.

Yes, yes, I like it.

Actually, that is a friend of ours, Martin.

Yeah, he owns this bar,

and my husband is the host of the telethon.

I love telethons. It's an American institution. You like?

Yes, yes, I like.

Instead of rich people giving money to the poor people,

they get other poor people to give poor people money,

and the rich people get to keep theirs.

Yes, yes, I like it.

Yeah, you like?

Yeah, you know, that's where I should be getting married. On TV.

What do you say, sweetie? You want to get married on TV?

Yes, yes, I like it.

Done deal, let's go. Call your husband. Tell him we're on the way.

Oh, uh, Mr. Parker, it's not quite that simple.

Everything is simple with money, honey.

Okay, so let me just get this clear.

If we can get you married on TV,

then we can cancel the wedding in the mall?

And I'll pay you quintuple. That's one times more than four times as much.

Done deal!

Okay, uh, Gigi, I'll get the justice of the peace.

I'll get the dress, the wedding party, and the suit.

All right, we'll meet you at the station.

Yes, yes, I like!

Psst!

Psst!

Baby, you're serious about this wedding thing?

As a heart attack. Mr. Parker.

Um, Mr. Parker, this is my husband, Nick.

Nick, this is my client,

Mr. Parker, and his lovely fiancee, Vlamishka.

They want to get married on your telethon.

Oh, all right, nice to meet you.

Yeah, nice to meet you. All right, let's get this thing going.

Uh, look, I don't know if my wife told you or not,

but, uh, I just can't put you on.

I mean, all the acts, they're here to raise money for the kids.

I want to get married on TV. What's it gonna cost me?

We're trying to raise $500,000.

Done deal. Can I write you a check?

Can you call it in?

Give me the number. Already dialed.

Makin' it happen, I like that.

Oh, honey, honey, I got to go.

Okay.

Hey, let's hear it for Rahzel,

the amazing human beat box!

Whoo!

Great show, man!

Oh, sounds like we got a big donation.

Whoo!

Put him on speaker.

Hello?

Yes, this is Mr. Parker. I want to donate $500,000.

$500,000!

Wait. Let's go to the board.

Whoo!

We did it! We reached our goal! $500,000!

Oh, listen, we'll be right back

with the wedding of Mr. Parker and...

And Vlamishka!

And Vlamishka, right after these messages.

Rahzel,

and the Bucket Breaker Orchestra, take us out!

Hey, Nick. Congratulations.

You did it.

Thanks to you,

kids are gonna be able to play football

with actual footballs.

Oh, thank you. You know, I'm just glad it worked out.

I don't ever have to do this again.

Are you kiddin' me?

This is the first time we've reached our goal.

From now on, when this station has a telethon,

you're my host.