Original subtitles

Come on, Lindsey. Hurry up before Mom and Dad come.

Okay, okay. I'm hurrying.

This is so stupid.

Have you lost your mind?

What are you doing?

I was planking.

Planking? What's that?

The dumbest thing ever.

It's all over the Internet.

You lie face down with your hands at your side

and your feet pointing out, and then she takes a picture.

So, looking like you got knocked out is fun?

Yeah. Then, you post the picture

and see how many hits you got.

We uploaded this one yesterday.

Oh, you know, this already caught on

with a couple crack heads downtown.

See, I thought they just fell in the street.

Turns out, they're planking.

Have your fun,

but stay off my table.

Okay, babe...

When do you want to do this?

What is it again?

Baby, come on. You know what this is.

It's the certificate from the silent auction at Kevin's school.

You're the one who felt bad for the guy

who wanted to bid on it.

Why are you acting like you don't want to do this?

A family portrait?

'Cause, Nick, they always look so corny.

Creepy, really.

I mean, everybody with the same shirt on,

and that fake smile,

you know, the kids looking like

they've been held against their will,

and the wife looks like she's been brainwashed

by her cult figure husband.

You know, with a weird mustache and some glasses,

you could almost complete the look.

No, baby, come on.

Look, I looked the guy up, all right?

He's supposed to be good.

And I called and I already checked on his schedule,

and he's only free for a few more days

before he goes off on some great big job.

Photos by Orlando.

Yeah. Oh, baby, look.

Can't you see it? Huh?

Oh.

Look, we can frame it and hang it above the mantel.

Nick, all right, these things are a lot of work.

I've been to these photo shoots before. It's not like you just...

Smile.

Show up and shoot, you know?

I gotta figure out what everybody's going to wear.

Then I got to get my hair done, Lindsey's hair done.

We need a makeup artist.

You know what, to save time and money

just take Lindsey out of the picture.

I mean, that's a lot of face to fix.

Weren't you getting along just, like, two seconds ago?

And now you see why it's so difficult dealing with a person

who has the attention span of a rat.

- Okay, fine. - We'll take the picture.

But we are not hanging it over the mantel.

That's all right, baby.

I can hang it on the mantel inside my mind.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Here we go.

You guys ready? SUZANNE: Uh-huh.

Okay, here we go.

Are you Kingston-Person?

I am Nick Kingston-Persons, and you must be Orlando.

Yes. I must be me.

Okay, well, this is my family.

This is my daughter, Lindsey,

My son, Kevin, and this is my wife...

Orlando doesn't need the names, thank you.

All right, well, hey,

uh, here is your certificate.

Let's see here. Unbelievable.

Because you waited to the last possible moment to redeem this,

Orlando is here in Seattle instead of Sao Paulo

shooting Beyonce's birthday bash.

You were going to be the photographer

at Beyonce's birthday party?

Bash. And, no. Because I'm here.

Well, you can leave. Just give us our money back.

Oh, edgy, edgy, edgy, edgy.

Unfortunately, your home is not.

Well, you can always bring us to your studio.

Orlando likes to shoot his subjects

in their natural environment, where they eat, pray, love.

You did not just name-check the Julia Roberts movie.

Orlando has no idea what the woman is talking about.

Okay, well, just tell us where to sit and we're ready.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Orlando doesn't show up and do point-and-shoots.

Today Orlando came to see.

Orlando will come back to shoot.

Folder. Open.

A questionnaire?

Yes, yes, yes.

See, Orlando cannot capture you

if Orlando doesn't know who you are.

Well, Orlando, you know,

we are just a nice, ordinary family.

And all we want is a nice, ordinary picture.

Ordinary? If you wanted ordinary, I could be in Brazil.

At Beyonce's birthday party.

Bash.

Listen, Kingston-Person, you have a lot to learn about yourself.

Your family is not ordinary.

The woman,

edgy.

Perhaps even a bit dangerous.

The boy,

absolutely cannot be trusted.

The girl,

she, uh,

has a large face, full of expressions.

Perhaps hiding a dark soul

you have yet to encounter.

Hey, man, whoa, whoa. Stop.

And you, Kingston-Person,

Orlando knows you're guarded.

But Orlando will find your vulnerabilities

and Orlando will take a photo of it.

You know, I can save you some time, Orlando.

It's his knee.

Edgy. Leaving.

Uh, well, when will you come back?

Orlando will be back when you're ready.

So, should we call you or...

Orlando will know. Glasses.

Door.

Uh, baby, if you had to choose between saving a whale,

the rain forest, or Detroit,

which would it be?

How is this supposed to help him take a picture?

I don't know. So...

Detroit.

So, what is all that stuff Lindsey brought back from the mall?

She went shopping with my mother.

They went looking for outfits.

Outfits for what?

I forgot to tell you, uh...

My mom's going to be in the picture.

Since when?

Since she asked. And I said, "Yeah."

Oh, okay, so since she's going to be in the picture,

what about my mom and dad?

They can be in it.

And how's that supposed to work?

It's not like they live around the corner.

Nick, this isn't fair.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Tell your mother that this portrait is for the four of us.

Oh, you know what?

You're the one that wants her out.

Why don't you tell her?

Because I'm not the one who put her in.

Fine. Fine. All right, look, here.

"In your own words, describe the feeling you get

"when asked to describe something in your own words"?

Man, you are edgy.

Oh, thank you. You're welcome.

Gigi, by the way,

I might be leaving work early one day this week.

Wow.

You see, that's why I love working with you.

Because... Because we are so in sync.

I was going to ask you if I could leave early one day this week,

but now I don't have to.

Yes, you do.

What if the day I want to leave early

isn't the same day that you want to leave early?

Oh, right.

But still, pretty coincidental.

Okay, so what you gotta do?

Nick has us taking a family portrait.

Aw, that's so sweet.

Yeah, it would be if I wanted to do it.

Oh, Suzanne, it's so much fun.

I mean, we almost took a family portrait one time,

but apparently it didn't work out.

"Apparently?"

Yeah, I was only a baby,

but I guess my mom wanted her mother in the picture,

but she hated my grandmother on my Dad's side.

Anyway, there was a big fight.

My mom's mom and my dad's mom

started cursing each other out

and they told me that I wouldn't stop crying

once I found out we weren't going to take pictures.

I love taking pictures!

What were we talking about?

Family portrait. Nick. Leaving work early.

Oh, no, it's so much fun.

We almost took a family portrait one time.

Gigi... Hmm.

Did I say that? Mm-hmm.

Come on, Lindsey, hurry up.

I can't hold it much longer.

Okay.

Got it.

All right, now get the ladder.

Hold on, I have to post this first.

Are you serious? Get the ladder.

Come on. Help me down.

Relax, boy. You got up there by yourself.

You can get down.

Jump. It's, like, two feet. And post.

Come on. Whoa! Whoa!

Ooh, floor plank.

Hey, baby.

Come here, baby.

What'd I do?

Ooh. I won't even ask what that was for.

I'll just take it.

That was for you and for me.

I have a surprise for you.

Ew. Bad timing.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Oh, no, no. I invited Marilyn to dinner.

And since we're all just standing here,

I might as well tell you now.

Um, Marilyn, I know you know about the family portrait,

and, to be honest, I really didn't want you in it in the first place,

but I've been thinking about it,

and I wanted to tell you

that I would be really honored

if you were in our family portrait.

Has she been drinking?

No, Ma.

Suzanne, that's great. Isn't that great?

Great.

Okay, cool. Let's eat.

You know, to be honest,

I was afraid you were calling me over here

to tell me you didn't want me in the family picture.

Hey, uh, let's get some plates on the table.

Wait, why would I tell you that

when Nick's already told you that?

Hey, what do you guys wanna drink?

'Cause Nick never told me that.

Honey, are you feeling okay?

I'm fine.

Uh, uh, hey, Mom,

why don't you go in there and just, you know, chill out a little bit?

We'll get you a martini. We'll be right there in a minute, okay?

So, what?

You just figured on the day we were taking the picture

that she just wouldn't show up?

I tried to tell her. She was just so excited.

Oh, so you just let me look like a fool

and stand here and confess to your mother,

who already doesn't like me, that I didn't want her in the family portrait?

Do you have any idea how petty that makes me look?

Do you know how she must feel about me right now?

Probably the same as before.

Listen. Okay, baby...

Okay, what does it matter

who didn't or did tell her whatever, okay?

She started out in the picture,

she's still in the picture. No harm. No foul.

That's not true!

You did me harm and what you did was foul!

If it matters at all,

I can hear you, and you're both right.

Now, can we eat? Where's my drink?

Hello, Kingston-Person.

Um, what's going on?

I'm here to photograph you now.

Right now?

I thought you were going to let us know.

I just did. Now gather the boy, the girl, and that woman.

Oh, okay, but, uh, we're not ready.

It's okay. Everything's taken care of.

Uh, what is all this?

See, your home is but a canvas.

And all of this is my palette.

Okay, but does it really take

all of this to take a picture?

Does Prince really need Paisley Park to write a song?

Does Martin Scorsese really need Leo DiCaprio to make a movie?

No. But it helps.

Wait, wait... Orlando,

all I wanted was a nice, ordinary picture.

I did not sign up for all of this.

You signed up for Orlando.

All of this...

...is Orlando.

Hey. Is this a wind machine?

That's the attitude I need.

Nick!

Kingston-Person!

The woman is calling you.

Hey, baby.

What is going on in here?

Baby, this is his set-up.

Where is my furniture?

It's outside. What?

It's okay. They covered it up.

Nick, this is ridiculous.

It takes all this to take a picture?

And you, if I had known

that you were gonna come in here and destroy my house,

I would have told you to go ahead to Sao Paulo

and shoot Beyonce's birthday party.

Bash.

Suzanne.

Yeah?

Are you having a yard sale? No, why?

'Cause some guy is trying to buy your couch for $100.

Hey! Get that off your truck!

Ah, this is a big deal, huh?

Kingston-Person. Who is this?

Orlando, this is my mother, Marilyn.

The mother? This is the mother?

The mother?

This is the mother. Let me take a look at the mother.

Oh, my God.

This is the mother.

She's perfect.

Oh.

We have a problem, Kingston-Person.

What?

The mother is stunning.

And to place her in the portrait

with the others would be unfair.

I'm going to have to shoot her separately.

Oh...

Tell her.

He does know I can hear him, right?

Ma, look, you know, is this okay?

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Baby, please, the man said I was stunning.

He can do whatever he wants to do.

Hey, you, Becky...

If somebody tries to put my sofa in their truck, call 911.

And tell 'em you're white.

Baby, I got something to tell you.

My mother is not going to be in the picture.

What did you do?

I didn't do anything. It was Orlando's decision.

Orlando said I was stunning.

And if we were all in the same picture,

no one would notice you.

Smart man.

Nick, this is crazy.

I know. I'm sorry, baby.

Look, this will all be over in a little while, okay?

Oh. Oh.

The mother's face looks amazing.

But Orlando think it needs just a little bit more.

Does the mother have red lipstick?

The mother does.

Ooh. Ooh, scared of you, mama. Here you go.

Gonna get rid of that. Oh, yes, yes.

Work your magic.

Yeah, you can get rid of that.

Oh, yeah. get rid of that.

Oh, yeah, you can get rid of that.

Orlando? What are you doing to my face?

Oh, mother...

What are you doing to my face?

Well, uh...

The essence of a mother lies in her sorrow.

The mother is like a beautiful clown to me,

sacrificing for her audience.

She is both stunning,

and sad.

Sad mother.

Sad mother.

So, I want you to just

wear those wrinkles

and wear those crow's feet

like you love 'em.

Shoot!

Awesome!

Hey, Mom, can we shoot some planks

before they take this stuff out?

Why do you have a patch over your eye?

'Cause she's half as ugly with this on?

Man, we are not taking a family photo

with you wearing an eye patch.

Take it off.

What happened to you?

Just so you know,

however that happened to him

has absolutely nothing to do with me.

I love it. It screams "boy."

Orlando..."Boy."

We are not taking a picture of my son

looking like he's been knocked out by Manny Pacquiao.

The woman is right.

Don't worry, my stylist will be here any minute

and we'll take care of it.

We have a stylist?

Hey! Hi, everybody. Hi!

Gigi, you didn't tell me you were Orlando's stylist.

Well, I didn't know he was shooting you.

Otherwise I would have said something.

Bonjour.

Gorgeous, I want you to work your magic.

All right, I'll work it. Work it.

Everybody upstairs!

Excitement, people. Excitement. Come on.

Hey, uh... Mm-hmm?

Orlando, for your sake,

these pictures better be good,

or you're going to wish you were at Beyonce's birthday party.

Bash.

Let's shoot.

Yes, yes, yes. Show your truth. That's it, baby. Yes.

Come on, woman. Woman, this way!

Yes, you're angry!

Yes! Angrier!

Who's the boy? You're the boy!

Yes, yes. Harder! Harder!

Oh, that's a woman!

Fight it! Fight against it, woman!

Yes! Fight me! Fight me, woman!

Hey!

Yes, that's what I want. Anger.

Going for real! Yes!

It ain't going nothing to do with the picture.

Yes, that's what I'm looking for. anger.

Anger! I'm here!

Hey, get up!

Stop! Stop! Stop! Just stop.

Okay, stop.

Stab me, Lord. Just stab me.

All right, do you want some more wind?

No! No! The wind is fine.

Kingston-Person is finally right.

The wind is not the problem.

Well, can you figure out what it is?

Because I feel like I've spent

the last hour falling to my death.

So have I.

Wait, wait, wait. What is this, man? This is crazy.

All right, we're tired. My pants are tight.

After all these shots, you still don't have one you like?

No, I don't. No, I don't.

Because I shoot truth,

and I'm not getting truth.

I'm getting a whole lot of falling and, "Ah!"

Okay, maybe we should go,

you know, more Euro-ghetto fabulous.

No, no, maybe we should go

more loose-in-the-crotch pants,

'cause these pants are tight, man. They killing me.

Stop. Orlando has the answer.

There's one thing that never fails

to get everyone to their truth.

Tequila.

Ooh!

Gigi, my kids are not drinking tequila.

Nudity. Everyone, get naked.

Naked!

Kevin! What?

Kingston-Person,

it's Orlando's interpretation

of the inner essence of your family.

Nudity.

That's it! You're out of here, man. You gotta go.

No, no, no, no. Listen.

There's nothing wrong with it.

Heidi and Seal did it.

Demi and Ashton did it.

John and Yoko did it.

If John Lennon can get naked, then why can't you?

John Lennon got shot, too. You want me to do that? Huh?

Imagine...

Imagine I'm not taking off my damn clothes

and I'm going to imagine you getting out of my house right now.

Oh, yes. I'm leaving.

Take all this stuff and move it out.

Come on. Hey, get your people.

Get your people.

Are you still taking pictures?

I'm capturing truth.

Stop it. That's it.

Oh, this is a nice house.

Hey, no, no. Hey, quit it.

What? Quit. Keep it. That's it.

Stop it!

Listen, you take one more picture,

just one more, all right... Mm-hmm.

...and I will snap you and that camera

back to Beyonce's birthday party. You hear me?

But it's a bash.

Is this all of them? Yes.

Are you sure?

Yes.

All right, I'm going to burn these things.

And do me a favor.

The next time you want to do a family portrait,

count me out.

Honey, I'm sorry you didn't get

the family portrait that you wanted.

You know what? I got an idea.

The boy, get on the couch.

All right, everybody say, "Kingston-Persons."

Kingston-Persons.