Original subtitles

Okay, Linds.

Yeah, we'll talk to you later.

Sure, you can send us both a text.

Uh...

Yeah, yeah, I got mine.

Uh-huh.

And your mother, she got hers, too.

Okay. I meant later.

Yeah. Okay, we love you, too.

Okay, bye.

Okay, so the girl goes away with the debate team,

and she talks to us more now than when she's actually here.

I guess she's just missing home.

I have a very simple solution for this, okay?

Don't pick up the phone.

Hey, Dad, are you ready to speak at my school today for career week?

Do what now?

Tell me you didn't forget.

I told you about this over a week ago.

You're supposed to go down there

and talk to the kids about what you do for a living.

Oh, wait, that's right,

the kids wanted me.

Okay, but trust me,

the fact that they see you on TV

is good for about five or ten seconds.

You better be ready, 'cause, believe me, I have done this before.

I was born ready.

What's there to do?

Answer some questions. Sign some autographs. Take some pictures.

All right, bye, guys. I'll see you later.

Bye, sweetheart. NICK: Hey, take care.

What's up? KEVIN: What's up?

Good morning, people.

Hey. Or should I say "Persons"?

Mind if I spend a moment with your lovely wife here

to talk about the grand opening of...

Martin.

"Martin"?

That's what you're naming your bar?

Yeah. I thought it was apropos.

If by apropos you mean "kinda lame,"

then, yeah.

I think it captures

the sophistication of the crowd I'm trying to attract.

The point is, I need some help, and I thought,

why not come to the very best?

Mmm-hmm.

I got this great idea for an opening night theme...

Baseball.

Baseball? Wow, that's original.

Right, but, like, not like baseball, baseball. I mean, like,

sophisticated baseball.

So, no double beer can hats?

No, more like double champagne flute hats.

So, you got a minute?

No, sorry.

If you want to talk to me, you got to talk to Gigi.

She'll see if we can squeeze you in.

Is it just me, or did I get blown off?

Yep.

What did I do?

I don't know.

So, what now?

Welcome to my world.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Thank you, Dr. Joiner.

Proctology, huh, kids?

Very exciting stuff.

Kevin,

would you like to introduce your father?

Sure.

Okay, guys, my dad is a sportscaster for KAWT.

Here he is, Nick Kingston-Persons.

Thanks, Kev.

As he said, I am a part of the KAWT sports team.

Do you know Derek Jeter?

No, no. We've never met.

All right. In my job...

My dad said that A-Rod is the best baseball player.

Do you think he's better than LeBron James?

LeBron James doesn't play baseball.

How come?

I don't know.

If you created an all-superhero football team,

who would you have as your quarterback,

Iron Man or Spider-Man?

I say Spider-Man, because, like, he'd never get sacked.

Yes, he would. Doc Ock would totally sack Spider-Man.

Are you guys seriously doing this right now?

And I told you, Thor. Thor would be the best quarterback.

He can throw his hammer through the universe.

You think he can't throw a football 300 feet?

And plus, he's a god.

Who would tackle a god?

And if you did, he would bring the thunder,

literally bring the thunder.

Okay, um...

Any more questions?

Kevin said you used to play football.

I did. How come you don't play now?

Did you suck?

No, I didn't suck.

Uh, I got hurt.

Did you cry?

No, it wasn't that type of hurt.

Okay, listen,

you know, the thing is, in life,

you make one plan,

but things don't always work out.

After I knew I wasn't going to be able to play football, I lucked out.

I mean, a friend of mine recommended me to KAWT,

and that's how I got my job.

So, it isn't always what you know,

but who you know

that can make all the difference.

So, what you're saying is,

we don't have to study?

Yeah!

No, no, I'm not saying that.

I mean, my grades were okay.

My grades suck.

Do you think I can be on TV?

No, it doesn't work like that.

How does it work?

Uh, okay...

Take President Bush.

Which one?

The second one. I mean,

he could have gotten all "A" s in every single class,

but the fact that his father was president

probably had more to do with him becoming president.

Or take Puff Daddy.

Uh, he was an okay student,

but it wasn't until he met Craig Mack

that his career really began to take off.

Who's Craig Mack?

He was the guy who worked with him before he worked with Biggie Smalls.

Who's Biggie Smalls?

Any more questions?

Who's Puff Daddy?

You're late. Sorry,

I was at the bar going over some concepts.

I guess I just got caught up.

I love bars.

Especially in those old cowboy movies when

the sexy fat lady with the big bosom is the bartender,

and the gunslinger from out of town comes in...

and everybody gets quiet.

And he orders whiskey, and the bad guy says,

"We don't like no strangers."

And then there's a shoot-out.

Yeah, this is not going to be that kind of bar.

There'll be no shoot-outs, and there's going to be no sexy fat ladies,

which, by the way, is an oxymoron.

Mmm, but it's exciting, Martin.

Yeah, well, it would have been exciting 30 minutes ago.

Let's see what you got.

Okay. Well, um...

for starters,

I was thinking about turning this seating area by the wall

into sort of, like, a dugout kind of thing.

You know, I'm not really sold on this whole baseball idea.

What's wrong with it? It's typical.

Typical? Well, maybe we can make it into

a baseball meets black tie?

Sounds interesting.

Black tie? Yeah.

At a sports bar?

Sophisticated sports bar.

Sophisticated.

Right, no beer hats.

Okay, well, let's table that for a little while.

Table it.

I did some work on the guest list.

I was thinking maybe if we could get, like, a name or two.

Okay, you don't want to open your bar

piggybacking on some B-list athlete

who pimps out his name for a booth and bottle service. It's tacky.

Well, it depends on the bottle, Suzanne.

More importantly, it works.

For a while, but then you live by the host, die by the host.

I mean, what's next... Oh...

Ladies' night?

Oh...

Okay, so you hate all of my ideas.

What would you like to do?

Well, okay, there's no reason to get upset.

Nobody's upset. Nobody's...

People have bad ideas. That is why they come to me.

Yeah, but I'm paying you.Point.

So, I think that maybe you'd help me turn them into good ideas.

You can't turn bad ideas into good ideas.

You need new ideas.

So, let's hear one.

Martin, here's an idea...

Ooh, ooh, let's listen.

How about you find someone else to plan your little grand opening?

Come on, y'all not serious.

That is the best idea I've heard yet.

Martin, where are you going?

Y'all can't be serious. You're going the wrong...

Where you... Martin!

Oh, hey, Mom.

Guys, this is my mom.

Hi.Hi.

Kevin, may I speak to you for a moment, please?

Sure.

Kevin,

you know you aren't supposed to have any company without me knowing about it.

Sorry, I forgot.

Who are they, anyway?

Oh, these are my new friends.

What's wrong with your old friends?

Well, these guys are connected.

I mean, Alex's mom works for a video game company,

Yvette's dad works for the Sounders,

and Chayse's family runs an Up-and-Down Burger.

Kevin, you shouldn't be making friends with people just for what they can do for you.

Well, that's what I thought before,

but when Dad came to my class, he said in life, it's not about what you know,

but who you know. It worked out for him.

He said that? Verbatim.

Oh, by the way, do you want burgers tonight?

Chayse can get us some.

Hey, is something wrong?

Why did you tell Kevin's class

that knowing the right people is more important than getting an education?

First of all, that's not what I said.

I quote,

"It's now what you know, but who you know."

He said you said that verbatim.

What I said was,

"It's not always what you know,

"but who you know."

So, technically, that's not verbatim.

All right, I said it. What's the problem?

Why would you tell them that?

Okay, you know what?

Don't you take people out to lunch

and have drinks to network? Huh?

That's not the same thing.

What makes it different?

We're not talking about me. That's what makes it different.

You need to talk to your son.

Fine, I'll talk to him.

And while you're at it, can you please talk to your friend Martin, too?

What for?

Oh, well, first, he wants us to be a part of his little bar.

Then he wants to cut us out.

Then he wants me to help him with his opening.

Oh, so, what, I'm not good enough to be a partner,

but I'm good enough to help?

So, don't work with him, then.

I'm not, and I told him so.

Oh.

Now, look, you know what? I know you're really upset,

but that's between you and Martin. Okay?

That's all you got for me?

"My name is Paul, and that's between y'all"?

"My name is Bennett, and I'm not in it"?

"My name is Wes, and that's y'all's mess."

Right.

Talk to your son.

Suzanne, what do you think the boy is gonna do?

GED, GED, GED, GED.

Mr. Kingston-Persons,

we have a problem.

As a result of your speech,

I have a classroom full of kids who refuse to do their homework,

read the assignments, or even take pop quizzes.

They're saying that school doesn't matter,

and that all they have to do is meet the right people.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

I tried to tell them.

Well, you didn't try to tell them hard enough.

Now, you need to do something about this.

Like what, line 'em up and smack some sense into 'em?

Mr. Kingston-Persons, you may not realize this,

but these kids admire you.

They listened to you before. They'll listen to you again.

I guess you're right.Uh-huh.

You know, I never told you this,

and I know we butt heads from time to time, but,

you know, I really appreciate the way you look out for the kids.

How'd you end up being a teacher, anyway?

My aunt was the superintendent.

Oh, look who's back.

Suzanne, I thought about what you said, and I realized that,

well, you were right.

Of course, you did.

So, I found someone else to work with.

Oh, Mimi...

Gigi.Mimi.

I like your ostrich skirt.

Thank you. I like your zebra belt.

I love your Power Ranger bracelet.

Pow!

Okay, really?

You think you can replace me with someone's assistant?

I think I can replace you with someone who values my opinions.

And I'll have you know that Mimi is a lot more than just an assistant.

No offense, Gigi.

Executive assistant. None taken.

Suzanne, by being difficult to work with,

you have created an opportunity for me.

I thank you very much.

Ah, that's so sweet.

Gigi!

You think I'm difficult to work with?

That's what he said.

Okay, well, he is. I'm not. So there.

You're very hostile, Suzanne.

If I'm lucky, you will lose more client.

Good-bye. I have to go, now,

to work on the opening of my bar

with Mimi.

Thank you for failing, Suzanne.

Bye!

I don't know how this happened.

All I wanted to do was start a business,

open up a place where I can hang out with friends and pick up chicks.

What do you mean, "How did this happen?"

You fired Suzanne, right?

No, she suggested I find someone else, so I did.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

She was mad? I don't know.

Maybe a little.

And she told you something?

Right.

And you believed what she said was actually what she meant?

What's so funny? Why wouldn't I?

Dude, what were you thinking? She's married, man.

Not to me.

It doesn't matter. A fight is a fight.

Look, all those single-woman fights you have,

that crap don't mean nothing.

You have not had a fight with a woman

until you've had a fight with a married woman.

I'm not having a fight with your wife.

Oh, yes, you are.

See, that's the other thing.

They don't tell you when the fight starts.

Okay, are you going to help me, or are you just going to stand there and laugh at me?

Okay.

Okay, look.

The truth of the matter is,

Suzanne was excited about being a partner in the bar,

and when you decided to buy it on your own,

she took it personally.

But I thought we settled that.

You did, but then she got mad again.

Why didn't you tell me?

She was mad at you, not at me.

Listen, I want Suzanne to be a part of this, okay?

I need you to explain to her that I didn't mean to hurt her feelings,

and I apologize if I did.

Look, I'm going to tell you like I told Suzanne,

I'm out of it.

"My name is Paul, and that's between y'all."

"My name is Bennett, and I'm not in it."

"My name is Wes, and that's y'all's mess."

Suzanne? Gigi?

Hey, guys, how's it going?

Amazing. Martin is very receptive to all of my ideas.

I'm very happy you failed him, Suzanne.

Because of you, my dreams are coming true.

Yeah, well, you're welcome.

Mimi has this way of thinking outside the box

that's unlike anything I've ever encountered before.

I have an incredible thing for the party...

Shorts.

Shorts?

Shorts.Shorts.

Shorts! Incredible, right?

It is.

Martin,

tell them about the piece of resistance.

Piece of resistance?

Piece de resistance.

Mimi's good at so many things.

I mean, she doesn't have time to learn French.

Do tell.

Black angels.

Black angels.

Black angels.Black...

Angels.

Wait, wait, wait, wait for it.

With a harp!

Well, you know, we are really busy.

So, you know, why don't y'all come back some other time

and let us know how it all worked out?

You're not coming?

No, I have... To work on a project.

That night? Yep.

Yep. You can stop by late.

Oh, it's going to take a long time.

How long? Till you're done.

Well, that's too bad.

I got to go finish up. See you guys later.

Bye! SUZANNE AND GIGI: Bye.

I'll catch up.

You've got to be kidding me.

Suzanne,

you've got to save me.

You hired her.

But I only did it to get back at you.

Well, in that case, that's what you get.

Suzanne, I'm sorry, okay?

Look, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings

by buying the bar without you and Nick.

I would love to be in business with you. It's just...

I knew that the bar would come in between our friendship.

Really.

I'm begging you, please, help me, please.

Okay, okay.

I'm sorry, too.

I guess I got a little ahead of myself. It's not your fault.

Truce.Truce.

Oh, that makes me happy.

So, what now?

Well, unless I'm planning on opening a Lady Gaga theme restaurant,

I'll go cancel those black angels.

I should have never told you guys

that knowing the right people was all you needed to get a cool job.

So, now you're saying we have to study?

Now, now, I thought that might happen,

so I brought along a few friends.

Stan, why don't you tell them about yourself.

Hi, I'm Stan, and I work for the Bellevue Straw Company,

but that's not where I thought I was going to be working.

I had a friend who said he could get me a job on Wall Street.

He didn't mention anything about me needing a degree in business

from college, so now I, uh...

I wrap straws.

Make no mistake, wrapping straws

is not as easy as it sounds,

although it's not as hard as Wall Street.

I brought a few straws to share.

Feel free to pass that around.

All right, thank you, Stan.

Next up, we have Tom.

Tom, stand up and tell them about yourself.

Well, I didn't go to college

because my boy said he was going to hook me up with a job working for Puff Daddy.

As it turns out,

he was waiting for somebody to hook him up with a job with Puff Daddy.

Anyway, now I work at the grocery store,

collecting shopping carts in the parking lot.

I know it may sound like fun,

but that's a big-ass parking lot.

And next up, we have Henry.

Okay, I got to make this quick, folks.

By order of the law,

I'm not technically supposed to be

within 100 yards of children.

So,

don't be like me.

So, if you drop out of school,

you could become the next Bill Gates...

or the next Tom Gates.

So, stay in school.

What's with all the munchkins?

Munchkins are doughnuts.

These are little people.

We were supposed to wear white shorts. What happened?

Mimi is what happened.

Yeah, things were to far along for us to replace her,

and, technically, we work for the same company,

so we just decided to scale back her ideas

instead of starting from scratch.

So, we suggested a white party.

Yeah, and when Mimi said that her theme was shorts,

we thought she was talking about clothing.

Enjoy yourself.

We didn't know that she meant a party for short men who love tall women.

Isn't this amazing?

And, Suzanne, we owe it all to you.

If not for your failure,

we would not have had the chance to redeem you.

I feel very good about myself.

Okay, well, at least we convinced her

to get rid of that whole black angels idea, right?

You Martin? Yeah.

Where do you want me?

Yo, big dog, where's your wings?

If you're having a good time,

say "ho!"

Ho!

And, now, for the moment you've all been waiting for,

little Kanye West!

♪ Somebody, everybody

♪ Everybody scream

Hey! Hey, Nick! Hey, hey, man. Whoa, hey, man.

Whoa, whoa. That's my wife, man.

That's my wife, little man.