Original subtitles

Okay, let's go over this one more time.

Okay.

Four first-class boarding passes.Check.

Two complimentary royal spa day passes for you and me.

Check, check!

Full event itinerary and contact list for the wedding.

Check, check, and check.

You know, at first, I thought planning a wedding on a cruise

was gonna be a nightmare, but...

It's like they're paying us to go on vacation.

Mom, I've been thinking about your cruise,

and what if your ship gets taken over by Somalian pirates?

One, not gonna happen.

And two, if they knew how much this wedding costs,

they'd know it's gonna take a lot more to stop it

than two guys in a row boat with a gun and a monkey.

Hey, is the car all packed?

The only thing that's not in the car is us.

Awesome. Hey, babe, where's your mother?

She's just pulling in. Oh, okay.

Mom, what happened to all the food?

Well, Marilyn doesn't plan on cooking,

so I cleaned out the refrigerator and the pantry,

and threw out all the leftovers.

We'll just go shopping when we get back.Okay.

You know where all the takeout menus are.

Marilyn!

Well, it's official. My vacation is over.

And how was Mexico?

Girl, I don't know. I spent all my time at the bar.

Hello?

This is Nick Kingston-Persons.

Marilyn, thank you so much for taking care of the kids

while we're working.Mm.

Work. Right.

That's your story and you sticking with it? Uh-huh.

Ma, that was the Center for Disease Control.

They've been trying to get a hold of you.

What, you didn't answer their call?

I'm sorry, the number for the Center for Disease Control was not on my caller ID.

They said everyone on your flight back from Mexico

was exposed to some Corsic-Unger virus. What?

I've heard of that. That's the Mexican gray squirrel flu.

Gray squirrel flu?

That's what the guy said on the phone.

And he said it's highly contagious. So?

I know how this works. You were exposed to that,

and we're exposed to you...

We all may have it.

Bingo.

They said anyone who comes in contact with you

has to be quarantined for the next 48 hours.

What? Not me.

I'm getting out of here.

Move it, move it, move it!

This is the sheriff.

By order of the CDC, you are officially under quarantine.

Please do not try to leave your home.

Quarantine, are you serious?

Step out here and find out.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Brittany, this is what being the maid of honor is all about.

That's right!

Being there for the bride.Mm-hmm.

You can do this.

I can.

Yes, you can!

It's gonna be great, Brittany!

But, you guys, you're really quarantined?

Hey, we're quarantined, which means you know

exactly where we're gonna be!

Yes, Brittany, we are gonna be right here.

Right here! Okay, bye.

Bye!

Okay, I'm gonna go cry now.

Guys, this squirrel flu thing is no joke.

It's been in 15 different countries,

and it just now made it to the US.

If your mother wanted to bring back something from Mexico,

why couldn't it have been tequila?

This doesn't look good, does it?

Hey, don't worry, man. We'll be fine.

All right, whatever you say.

You're the adults, I'm the kid,

but I'm just saying, it doesn't look good.

Nick, where is she anyway?

She's upstairs in our bedroom resting.

Our bedroom? It's safer for all of us.

Look, we can't leave this house,

she can't leave that room.

Okay, this is all the food we have left in the house. All right?

We got two cans of soup,

a packet of oatmeal,

a packet of taco seasoning,

half a box of dry pasta,

nine eggs, a frozen dinner,

and two-and-half frozen waffles.

Lindsey, how many times have I talked to you about eating half a waffle?

Not the time, babe.

This is it? Really, Nick?

I mean, who, seriously, doesn't have food in their house?

Um, you?

Guys, why can't we just order a pizza?

Because we're under quarantine, all right?

Nobody goes out, nobody comes in.

We're just gonna have to make this last.

Wait, so if we have to make this last, what's that?

This is for my mother.

She needs to keep eating to fight this thing.

Well, you guys can have mine. I had a big lunch.

Okay, I'm gonna get this soup on.

All right, thanks, babe.

Martin, I'm gonna get you some blankets.

Thanks.

Lindsey, show me where I'm sleeping.Okay.

Ugh!

As crazy as it sounds, I'm kinda glad I'm on quarantine.

Why would you be glad about that?

Her name is Gina.

We went out, like, three times.

It's over, it's done with.

So, I de-friended her on Facebook.

Why, was she stalking you or something?

Nah, she's just one of these girls

who constantly posts every single thing she does, like, "Oh, I just had a latte.

"I'm wearing a hat.

"I took in air, I exhaled air.

"LOL, winky-face."

She's constantly tagging me in these stupid videos.

Yeah, a cat hugged a kitten. I don't care. Stop it.

This woman will not stop trying to track me down now

trying to figure out why I de-friended her.

She's like Sherlock Ho.

Yeah, Ma?

I'm hungry.

When am I gonna get some food?

I'll be right up, okay?

Dad, you can't go up there.

The squirrel flu's airborne. You need to have protection.

I'll wear a mask.

Dad, you can't, okay?

It has airborne risk and droplet risk.

Droplet?

Yeah. Sneezing, coughing.

I mean, if you really wanna go up there, you need a hazmat suit.

Where am I supposed to find a hazmat suit?

Who are you, the Shah of Saran?

It's a hazmat suit.

I gotta protect myself.

Why? I keep telling you all, I'm fine.

Well, it may take a while for the symptoms to show up, Ma.

Look, if you start feeling lightheaded, nauseous, or weak,

tell me.

Now, do you need anything else?

Can you get me a better room?

No. Do you need anything else?

Can you get me a drink?

No!

Alcohol inhibits the immune system.

Do you need anything else?

Yeah.

Next time you invite somebody to stay in your room,

check the DVD player first.

Freak.

No, no, no, leave the clown costume on.

Leave it on.

That's not my trampoline.

Troy?

How'd you get in here?

I told the sheriff that I was originally in here and that I snuck out.

He let me right in.

Troy, this is a quarantine. All right?

You could get really sick.

Does your mother know you're here?

No, she thinks I'm swimming with the dolphins with my cousin in San Diego.

Troy, why would you do this, man?

Mr. Kingston-Persons, I follow my dreams.

And my dream is to be part of a quarantine, tape it,

and make it the first episode of my total immersion web series,

Living On The Edge With Troy.

Next, I'm gonna be a drug mule. It's gonna be great.

Well, I'm gonna have to let your mother know you're here.

Till then, take your dreams upstairs to Kevin's room.

How'd he get in here?

Don't ask.

I had the weirdest dream last night, about clowns and candy bars.

Kept smelling chocolate and peanuts.

Do you smell in your dreams?

What?

Oh, thank God, you're out of the bathroom.

Oh, no, no, no, Gigi is in there.

If I don't get in there soon, I may have to use your sink.

Fine, as long as you don't mind remodeling my whole kitchen afterwards.

What is that?

It's breakfast for my baby.

Oh, God, that is so sad-looking.

Is your mother actually eating all that food,

or are you sharing?

We are not sharing.

I mean, I wouldn't blame you if you were. We are not sharing.

Good morning!

What is that on your face?

It's an exfoliating moisturizer and scrub.

It smells like raisins.

Mm. And maple.

Gigi! What?

You used our last oatmeal packet on your face!

I'm sorry, I have a daily regimen.

Yeah, so do we. It's called eating.

Shut up!

That's disgusting!

I'm sorry, I had to.

I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about Nick.

How could you eat oatmeal off her face?

There is no way you are mad at me right now.

Hey! That's my exfoliating scrub! Nick!

It's hour 26.

We wait in hopes that my closest friend

doesn't have to shoot his own grandmother in the head.

What are you talking about? You are not shooting my mama in the head.

If she's a zombie, how else are we supposed to kill?

She's not turning into a zombie, man.

You hope.

Oh, it's connecting.

Brittany! Hey!

It's Suzanne and Gigi. Are you okay?

No! No, Suzanne.

We got caught in a freak storm.

This is not what I signed up for.

I'm...

I'm a bridesmaid, I'm not George Clooney.

Oh, God.

All I wanted to do was to wear a dress and to catch a bouquet,

and now I'm in the middle ofThe Poseidon Adventure.

What's The Poseidon Adventure?

It's a movie where a ship sinks, everybody dies.

You mean the Titanic!

No, this is before the Titanic.

Before the movie Titanic, or before the actual Titanic?

No, after the real one, before the movie one.

Who was in it?

Me! Me, I am in it!

Please...

Please, just get me off of this boat.

Brittany... Ooh, she's gone.

Yeah.

Guys, um,

we're down to some pasta, one egg, and some taco mix.

Uh, fine. You can make a spicy pasta egg dish.

Really? For all eight of us?

Oh, now you're hungry?

Maybe you should've thought of that

before you used our oatmeal as a face mask.

This woman will not stop calling me.

I mean, she's texting me, like, every five minutes!

Thank God she doesn't know where I am.

Hey, lady, stop!

It's a quarantine in there!

Oh, my God! What the...

Stand back! What's that?

You de-friended me!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Before you get in your little fight here,

do you have any food?

Why would I have any food?

Oh, man!

When this is over,

the first thing I'm gonna do is go to the grocery store

and buy some canned food.

I'm hungry.

Everybody's hungry.

Sounds like this fam needs a froyo fix, stat.

Post.

God, when is this disease gonna kick in?

Mom, Dad, here. What?

A chocolate bar?

Where'd you get this?

I had a few left over from my school candy jar.

Is there more?

No, I ate the others last night.

Mom, are you gonna ground me or something?

No, sweetheart. No.

People do desperate things during desperate times.

We just hope you'll do better during the next family emergency.

Yeah, yeah. Look, are we gonna talk, or we gonna eat?

How we gonna do this? Let's set this up.

I'm gonna divvy it up.

Marilyn's sick.

We were filming the web series and we heard her moan.

It was the scariest thing ever.

I told you, Mr. Kingston-Persons,

that woman upstairs is not your mother anymore.

I know. You need to let me do

what needs to be done.

No, you are not killing my mama, okay?

Come here! Think of the children!

Would you give me that, please? Give me that.

Ma, you okay?

I'm fine, baby, it's just...

Just a little stomach virus. No big deal.

You sure?

I don't know.

Oh, Nick, what if I really am sick?

Ma, Ma, Ma, you're gonna be okay.

Whether I am or not, you gotta take care of yourself.

Now, go. Get out of this room! Get out of here.

I am not leaving you, Ma!

Baby, you have to.

Look, I love you, and that goes for that Suzanne and those kids, too.

But if something is wrong with me, there's nothing you can do...

- No. No. No. - No.

Did I expect to die in my early 40s? No.

But if I don't die,

don't be reminding me of what I said in this room,

'cause I'm delirious! Delirious, you hear me?

I love you, Ma.I love you too, baby.

I really do. I love...

You're losing your hair!

Why!

Idiot.

All right, so this is all the food we have left.

So let's try to make the most of it.

How are we supposed to do that?

Take a lick every 20 minutes?

Hey, just be glad for what you're getting.

I mean, there are pictures of stick figures eating better than this.

I've seen more food at the wrap party for Somalia's Next Top Model.

I call dibs on the end part.

I'm not hungry.

Oh, we weren't giving you any.

And if things get really ugly, we might just eat you.

Well, at least I don't have to worry about packing on the pounds.

Ding-dong!

Hey. Hey, Terrence, how'd you get in here?

Same way I get in everywhere.

None of your business.

This has got to be the worst quarantine in the history of America.

More people breaking in here than an electronics store in a riot.

One difference, I brought something you might want.

I brought some food.

Yay!

Please tell me you brought us an up and Down burger

I brought you some Up and Down.

Wait! Well, wait!

Where is it?

Oh, no, I ate them thangs in the car.

It was good, man. Oh, man!

So what did you bring us?

Oh, I got you guys some field survival kits.

Merry Christmas.

Pass them around. Okay.

Hold on.

A can of sardines,

a spork,

a deck of cards,

and two bottles of concentrated water?

Yup. Each drop is equal to six ounces of water.

All you gotta do is add water.

I hate to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Then don't, 'cause I gotta go.

Wait, wait, wait!

What about this quarantine?

Yeah, how serious is this monkey flu?

Not serious at all. 'Cause it's not true.

What?

See, the government likes to covertly test emergency response system

every once in a while,

to see how people mobilize, the authorities respond, and the public react.

Wait a minute. So, this is just a drill?

Exactly.

They do it all the time.

You remember H1N1?Yeah.

A drill.

Remember SARS? Yeah.

A drill.

Y'all remember the bird flu?

It was a drill too?

No, that one was true.

Don't mess with them birds.

Well, what about my ma?

Did they say she was a carrier?

She just got back from Mexico.

She's got all kind of symptoms.

Cramping, vomiting.

Did she drink the water?

She said she just had margaritas.

Straight up or blended?

Blended, I think.

Blended with ice cubes from Mexican water.

Okay, so I know what she got, all right?

She got a slight case of Montezuma's revenge,

with a little case of the BGs. That's the bubble guts.

So, does that mean we can leave?

No, y'all have to stay here.

See, the head of the CDC, they're the only ones who know it's a drill.

So, if y'all leave,

I'm sorry, they gonna have to take you out.

So, what, we're stuck in this house for 12 more hours?

That's what the cards are for.

Me, I'm out.

I got to rendezvous with my unit up in the Nevada Desert.

We going to Vegas.

Peace.

Hey, hey, hey! Gigi!

Come on! Y'all got boxes!

Get away from...

We're in the final seconds of the quarantine.

Unfortunately for us all,

it seems the zombie apocalypse will wait for another day.

Three, two, one!

Oh! Bye! Bye! Bye!

Okay, babe, I'm gonna try and reach Brittany.

I'm gonna go order a pizza.

All right.

Listen, Gina, I've been thinking...

Hold on.

Quarantine over, heading home.

Post.

Perhaps I was a little bit hasty.

I see you sent me a friend request.

I did.

That's too bad. Ignore.

Gina!

We can start over again!

We can start a farm together.

Or we can just poke.

Hey, I don't even wanna hear it.

Frowny face.

Gina, IOI!

Hey, dude, listen.

I'm glad we didn't have to kill any of my family members.

Maybe next time? Yeah. Here you go.

All right, see you later. See you.

Troy, KDOA News.

Your video of the quarantine went viral.

Can we get a few minutes?

I think I can make some time.

Wow, welcome back to the land of the living!

You look good. You hungry?

I don't want nothing to eat, I don't want nothing to drink.

I just wanna go home, get in my own bed,

and pretend this whole nightmare never happened.

Hey, Ma,

I'm sorry about the DVD.

Oh, you should be... ya freak.

So, I guess that's it.

What happened to your wedding people?

Well, the ship pulled into port in Kauai,

and everybody got off fine.

All right! Yeah.

Come on, baby.

Captain's video log, day three.

I've been hiding in the hull of the ship for 72 hours!

Heck, I didn't wanna be captain of this old ship anyway.

I used to be the bartender.

That's a job I really liked.

'Cause nobody blames the bartender if the ship goes down.

If I get out of this alive,

I'm gonna pursue my lifelong dream,

which is not dying on this ship.

Mm. Mm-mm!