Original subtitles

So, uh, how long are your parents staying, again?

Nick, they're my parents.

They can stay as long as they'd like.

Look, baby, you know I like your father, but your mom...

Oh, what?

Baby doesn't like it when my mother gives him a hard time?

Hard time?

The border patrol gives Mexicans a hard time.

The Tea Party gives Obama a hard time.

The Palestinians give the... Hey!

You remember what happened to Arsenio?

You know what I'm saying. Your mother doesn't like me.

Look, I can take her talking about me,

but I just wish she'd actually call me by my name for once.

Nick, she calls you by your name all the time.

No, she calls me names all the time,

but none of them are mine.

Hey, Mama. Hi, sweetie.

Suzanne, would you put this in your freezer for me?

Oh, sure.

Ooh, top shelf.

Marilyn, did you bring a gift for my mother?

- Your mother? - That's for me.

How do you think I'm supposed to deal with her?

Fine. Then you can put it in the freezer yourself.

I got it, Mom.

I mean, really...

My baby is taking care of her grandkids,

and she got the nerve to criticize him.

Fine. You both hate my parents. Got it.

We like your father.

Yeah, we just like your mother a lot less.

She said that.

Hey, Mom. Check it out.Hey.

Oh, what's in the bag?

Okay, so we got presents for Grandma and Granddad.Mmm-hmm.

This is for Granddad.Mmm-hmm.

And this is for Grandma. It's a necklace.

Aw, that's sweet.

And then we got Grandma

a "World's Greatest Grandma" T-shirt.

Well, if you ever buy me anything with "Grandma" on it,

I'll tell you what... We know. We know.

You'll hit us upside the head with it.

And it'll be your own fault.

What's up, everybody?

Whoa, nice!

What did you do? Give up black ops?

Yeah, and I took up white ops.

What?

Mama don't know what I do for a living.

And I don't want her to be all worried about me,

so I told her I was an accountant for the IRS.

What do you know about being an accountant?

I know they wear nice suits,

and I also know if you snitch on me,

you're gonna come up missing.

That is my child.

You can get another one. I know people.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Well, if it isn't Mr. Big Stuff.

Hey, Pam, how you doing?

Grandma!

Look at you!

Hey!

You lookin' so pretty. You know what? Thank you.

I have something special for you.

Cool!

And for you. Thank you. This is for you.

Thank you, baby.

Hey, Mom.

Come here.

Come here. You look so beautiful.

Thank you. I get it from my mama.

Come on in. Have a seat.

Look at my... Pam?

Marilyn, I didn't see you.

Well, at your age, the vision does start to go.

Boochy.

Boochy?

What? "Boochy" is not a good enough nickname for you?

No, no, it's cool.

It's just that, you know, Boochy?

When I think of a guy who does what he does,

I don't think "Boochy."

Well, start thinking it.

Man, you lucky my mama here...

Ah-ah-ah. I'm thinking "Boochy."

Uh, Mom?

Hmm? Where's Dad?

Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.

I told him to call you.

Call us?

Mom, you know Daddy hates talking on the phone.

Well, yes, well,

he ended up going on a hunting trip with some friends.

Hunting? Mmm.

Since when did Daddy start hunting?

Well, that's what I asked.

And he'd never been,

so he wanted to give it a try.

He usually doesn't miss an opportunity to visit with the kids.

Well, I guess I'll take your bag upstairs.

Thank you, Mr. Tibbs.

What you laughing at, Boochy?

Good morning, Boochy.

Good morning, honey. Good morning.

Can you button these little buttons for me? I can never get these.

Mmm-hmm. Baby...

Hmm? Can you do something for me today?

You want me to take your mother to the airport?

Hey! No.

I was thinking maybe you could spend some time with my mother.

Where? At the airport?

Okay, that's two.

Yeah, but I'm taking my mother to lunch today.

Perfect. So take my mother with you.

I don't wanna!

Go.I don't wanna!

Go! Ooh!

Go.

Don't forget your pah-pah and your sippy cup.

Hey, Suzanne. Hmm?

There's something real fishy about Mama's hunting story.

What do you mean? Let me get one of them strawberries.

No, get out of my plate.

Well, I called his cell phone several times,

and it went straight to voice mail.

So, what, then? I left a message.

After that?

You know me.

I pulled the Nevada hunting and fishing records,

and he wasn't there.

So, what? You think she's lying?

I don't know, but I'm gonna find out.

'Cause you're not supposed to lie to family.

Really?

Is that what you tell your friends down at the IRS?

You didn't tell me she was gonna be here.

And he didn't tell me you were going to be here.

All right, stop it, you two.

You can't fight forever.

You don't know that.

Well, Suzanne thought it would be a good idea

if we all went to lunch together.

And you know what I think about what she thinks.

And what might that be?

How about some buffalo wings?

Uh, mozzarella sticks, jalapeno poppers?

You know, Frank used to bring me to this place all the time.

And why are we talking about Frank?

You see, the thing with Frank is,

I understood what his flaws were.

He made some big mistakes.

I got that. But nobody's perfect.

I knew what I was dealing with.

Now, Captain Too-good -to-be-true here is a ticking time bomb,

and I don't know when he's gonna go off.

Edamame?

Are you really gonna sit here and side with the man

who kicked your daughter and grandkids to the curb?

Can we get a pitcher here, please?

You know what? You are right.

I'm gonna get the mayor on the phone,

and I'm gonna get him the key to the city.

And by the way, what size cape do you wear?

A 44 long?

And then we're gonna call you Supernick.

Shoo!

Fried ice cream. Wow. This is some good stuff.

I haven't had that in a long time.

Boy, they got apple pies...

I think we need to cut to the cocktail.

Hey, whatever you want. Cocktails, here we go.

Get me a double.

Hey, Mom.Hi.

How did it go?

You didn't tell me his mom was gonna be there.

Ah, yes.

If I had told you that, you wouldn't have gone.

Exactly.

Jim, Jim, come on.

I'm gonna have those quarterly reports on your desk in the morning.

We need to talk.

Mom. Hmm?

Where's Daddy?

Look, I told you he was on a hunting trip.

That's what you told us,

but that's not the truth.

Are you calling your mother a liar?

No.

We're just asking why he didn't come.

He didn't come because we're breaking up.

Breaking up? You can't be breaking up!

Yes, we can.

But, Ma, what's gonna happen to us?

Why don't you ask him?

We'll be good.

"What's gonna happen to us?"

Boy, we grown!

Sweetheart,

I need to tell you something about my mom.

No, let me tell you something about your mother.

Honey, it'll just take a second. No, no, just one second.

I mean, really, what is her problem with me?

All right, I'm spending my money taking her out,

and all she can talk about is Frank.

Frank this and Frank that. Nick, listen...

No, just one second, all right?

I may not be perfect, but I'm better than him.

How can she be mad that we're together?

Shoot.

You're the one that's winning.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, I'm just saying... Oh, I know what you're saying.

You're saying that you think I'm lucky to have you.

I didn't say that.

So, what? You're saying that you think you did me a favor?

I did not say that.

Oh, but you may as well have,

because it's obvious you think you're better than me!

Those are not the words that came out of my mouth.

Well, you may not have said it,

but clearly, Nick, that's what you're thinking.

Oh, babe, come... here, honey?

Oh!

Oh, come on!

Good morning!

Hey.

You want to talk about it?

No.You sure?

I'm sure. You sure?

Yeah. Last chance.

I'm fine.Cool.

It's just, Nick and I... Okay, you need to make up your mind,

because it's not like I didn't give you choices.

I said, "You wanna talk about it?" You said, "No."

I said, "You sure?" You said you're sure.

I said, "You sure?" You said you're sure.

Gigi! What?

I need to ask you something.

Okay.

Have you ever felt like you weren't good enough for somebody?

No.

I think I'm perfect, but other people seem to disagree.

Who are we talking about?

I think Nick thinks that he's better than me.

Did he say that?

No, but that's what he was thinking.

Since when do you know what people are thinking, Suzanne?

I knew what he meant.

What am I thinking, now?

Gigi, this is serious.

That's not what I'm thinking.

You're thinking, I don't know what you're thinking.

That's what I was thinking a second ago.

Gigi! Pickles!

What? That's what I was thinking. Pickles.

See, 'cause I knew you would never think I was thinking pickles.

Are you through?

I don't know.

You're the one who knows what people are thinking.

Okay.

Okay, maybe you and Nick are just stressed out.

I mean, your parents are visiting,

so why don't you guys talk about it after they leave?

Actually, it's just my mother.

What? Your dad didn't come?

They're always together.

They're breaking up.

No... Suzanne. Breaking up?

I mean, they've been together for over 40 years.

If they break up, I mean, what's gonna happen to me?

You see, this is why I didn't want to talk about this.

Then you should have said that.

It's not like I know what people are thinking, Suzanne.

I don't have your gift!

Mom, we need to talk about this.

Why?

What are you gonna do about it?

All right, look, back up.

What happened?

Your father is cheating on me.

What? What?

I know.

It's hard to believe.

I didn't believe it either, but it's true.

Oh, no, it ain't going down like that.

I'm going out there.

And what you gonna do? Raise his taxes?

Maybe.

Mom, are you sure about this?

It doesn't even sound like Daddy.

Plus, you guys do everything together.

Until now.

Okay, so who is she?

Do you know how he met her?

On Facebook.

Face what?

Yes, he's got all these women writing on his wall,

liking his status,

poking him!

Okay, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Is he actually going out and meeting these women?

Well, he says he isn't.

But, look, the man is 60 years old.

What is he doing with 375 new female friends?

Daddy ain't cheating on you.

Mmm-mmm. Well, how do you know?

He better not be. That's how I know.

Okay.

Just because he's on Facebook doesn't mean that he's cheating on you.

Mmm-hmm. Well, I'm no fool.

It starts with poking,

and it ends that way.

Daddy loves you.

Okay, you don't throw away

a 40-year relationship over a website.

At least, not that website.

Well, tell him that.

Excuse me.

Pam, can I have a word with you?

Is the word "bounce"?

Chill, Boochy.

Baby, not now.

Yes, now.

No, if Mr. Goodbar wants to talk, let Mr. Goodbar talk.

First of all, my name is Nick,

not Mr. Goodbar,

not Captain Too- good-to-be-true,

not Boy Wonder, not Action Jackson,

not Dr. Feelgood, not Dudley Do-Right...

Honey!

We're family, now.

So, I think you need to know that I don't appreciate you coming into my house

and stirring up trouble between me and my wife.

Sweetheart!

You know what, I'm not surprised your man didn't come with you.

I wouldn't, either! You know what?

He's probably happy you gone.

Just sitting around the house, just having a good time,

loving every minute of it. Darling!

He's smiling and enjoying his day,

while you're over here messing up mine.

All right, that's it, man. I'm about to knock...

Please.

Oh, what you gonna do, huh? Audit me?

You want to mess up somebody's marriage?

Go home and mess up your own, okay?

Nick! My mom and dad just broke up!

Today? Yes!

Oh, my bad!

So, you tell your wife you think you're better than her.

And then you made Terrence's mother cry in front of Terrence? Hmm.

While you're at it, why don't you just punch her kids in the face

and tell them you had a baby with the housekeeper.

I didn't say I was better than her.

I just said, as far as the relationship goes,

she's the one that's winning.

Well, of course she is.

Show me a culture where a woman has five husbands.

What are you talking about?

All I'm saying is,

women know that women have a harder time finding a husband

than a man does finding a wife.

If you and Suzanne both went out and asked 100 people to marry you,

you would get a lot more women saying yes than she would get men.

It's just the way it is.

So, to balance things out, we put women up on a pedestal.

The problem is, once they get up there, they're like,

"Oh, look at me. I'm up on a pedestal."

So, inevitably, a man feels the need to knock them down.

It's really quite cruel.

Well, is there anything else you got to tell me that's not gonna help?

So, she's not talking to you at all?

No.

Then you truly are winning.

Hey. Mind a little company?

If you've come to beat up on me,

don't bother. I'm down for the count.

That's not why I'm here.

Thank you.

Now, just so we're clear,

you know I don't like you, and you don't like me.

No, it's not as simple as that, now, is it?

Oh, isn't it? No.

I don't trust your son, and you don't like that.

So, subsequently, you don't like me,

and because of that, I don't like you.

That kind of thinking,

that's what's messing up your marriage.

Well, how do you know?

Because you tell people what they're thinking,

instead of asking them.

Well... Look, Pam.

I know this is none of my business.

But you need to go back home and talk to your husband.

And why would I do that?

Girl, you don't want to be single again.

Mmm? Honey, it is crazy out here.

I mean, they made the problems bigger and stronger.

Men are crazier.

Facebook would be the least of your problems.

Let me tell you something.

I dated a guy, had four identities,

and none of them were his.

Why does he have to sit there on that stupid computer

playing games with strangers?

I mean, if he's not looking for somebody,

then what is he doing?

Did you ask? That's not the point.

Yeah, it kind of is.

Pam, there are a lot worse things

he could be looking up on the Internet.

Trust me on that.

Oh.

Maybe I, um...

overreacted a little bit.

Just a little bit.

Here's to going home.

Honey, can I talk to you, please?

Well, honey, hold on for a second.

I have something I want to say.

I'm sorry.

You know, I overreacted.

Baby... No.

When I found out that my parents were breaking up,

I got really scared.

Well, honey... Well, hold on a second.

It's just...

I don't know what the future holds for us.

But what I do know

is that I am so lucky to have you by my side.

Baby, you don't have to say that.

Well, Nick, I don't know if you realize

what you've done for me.

I don't think I could have found somebody better than you.

So, what are you saying?

That maybe you could have found somebody better than me?

I didn't say that.

What do you mean?

I'm just saying...

No, I know what you're saying, all right?

You're saying you think you better than me.

That's what you saying.

Nick, honey! Those are not the words that came out of my mouth!

Honey! No, please!

No, you're... You see this?

Oh, you're giving me the gas face.

Honey, please.

Aw.

I love you.

Cheese! Pepperoni!

Marilyn...

Come on, Grandma!

Say it again and see what happens to you.

All right. You guys squeeze in.

Big smiles.

Pepperoni! Love it! Ah, perfect!

I love you! Bye, Grandma.

Oh, bye. Love you, Grandma.

And thank you for my gifts.

Remember...

Leaving already?

I mean, you just got here.

Okay, you keep this up and I'm not leaving, Nick.

Did you hear that? Mmm-hmm!

You called me Nick.

Don't get used to it.

Aw, yay.

Goodbye, Mom. Bye, sweetheart.

I love you. I love you, too.

Thank you so much for coming. And next time, bring Dad.

I will. I will.Okay.

Marilyn...

Pam.

Good luck. Thank you.

Mom.

Before you go, I have a confession to make.

Now, don't nobody try to stop me.

I haven't been completely honest with you.

Even though I look good,

I'm not an accountant for the IRS.

I know. What?

How? But, I mean, I got my briefcase.

Sweetheart, I'm your mother.

Don't worry about how. Just know that I know.

And besides,

you never got better than a "C" in math,

so, all of a sudden, you gonna be an accountant? Child, please.

Well, I want to tell you what I actually do for...

Ah, is it illegal?

Technically, no.

Good.

So, as long as you don't technically call me from jail,

I don't need to know.

Just be careful, please.

I'll try.

But if I call you from a Cambodian death camp...

Oh, Lord, please don't scare me like that.

Please, pick up.

Oh, look.

That's my mama.