Original subtitles

Boy, that's your second bowl.

I'm still hungry.

Kevin,

why would you put this back into the refrigerator?

You just want somebody to be mad at you?

My bad.

Yeah, it is. Observe.

Got it? I got it.

And, Lindsey, when you're finished with your breakfast,

don't forget to clean the kitchen.

It's your week.Fine.

I know you didn't just roll your eyes at me.

Yes, she did,

and had a little funky tone, too.

Was anybody talking to you, Kevin?

Was anybody talking to you?

Hey! Both of you be quiet.

And make sure you clean the kitchen.

I don't want to have to tell you again.

Kev, your alarm has been going off for the last hour.

My bad.

Yeah, your bad.

When you get up, you need to turn it off.

I lose enough sleep on my own.

I don't need any help from you.

And, baby, next time you use the shower,

could you use your own poof? You keep using mine.

No, I'm not. I'm using mine.

It's pink. That's not a clue to you?

Look, I'm just in there trying to get clean.

And if that's yours, where's mine?

I don't know.

What do I look like, the poof organizer?

Why don't you just get a new one?

They're in the cabinet under the sink.

And while you're bending down,

perhaps you can pick up your funky workout clothes off the floor.

Hey, I am not cleaning your mess off this table.

Mom said clean the kitchen. This is the kitchen.

Mom.Kevin.

Boy, don't be breathing like that to your mother.

Where's the milk?

Kevin drank it all.

Wha...

You know, why don't you just shut up?

And I didn't drink it all. I drank the rest.

There's a difference. You act like nobody had any milk but me.

Hey, don't tell your sister to shut up.

Well, if she would, I wouldn't have to.

Kevin, I'm not telling you to watch your tone to your mother again.

Nick, I asked you to pick up some milk on the way home yesterday.

I forgot.

And that's why you don't have any milk. Don't blame Kevin.

I didn't blame anybody.

I just asked who drank it.

I can't ask a question?

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Good morning.

Hey, um...

Can I ask you something?

Usually, the question after that question

is one people typically don't want to be asked,

so, no.

No but... It's not like that.

Did you ever used to fight with your family?

Well, when I was growing up, we were a fighting family,

I mean, we fought over everything, from who left the light on

to which direction the toilet paper should face.

Yeah, see, the last few days,

we've just been getting on each other's nerves.

And I don't know what it's about.

It's like every little thing that everybody is doing is driving me crazy.

You guys,

you should try a lemon squeeze.

What's a lemon squeeze?

Okay, think of your complaints and irritations with each other as lemons.

You squeeze them and make the lemons into lemonade.

Okay, but that's not how you make lemonade.

I mean, yeah, you have to get the lemon juice, but...

Okay, what you're doin' right now, that's annoying.

The point is,

when you mix something bitter with water and sugar,

you get something sweet and tasty.

Okay, so if the complaints

are the lemon juice... Right.

What's the sugar and the water?

I don't know.

Okay, you know what? Just... you can just forget that.

You know, just call it what you want.

The point is,

when somebody is getting on your nerves,

you try and find a nice way to tell them

so they stop it!

What's with the getup?

Get used to it.

This is the me I have been hiding inside.

Why would you hide a guy in a suit?

Because I have been running away from the respect and responsibility

accorded to a man who dresses like this.

Shying away from the look of a man who can handle his life

makes it easy for me to not face the things that are right in front of me

and handle them

in a mature and responsible way.

Sit down for a second, man.

Okay, what's with the head massage?

You know, you can have a concussion and not even know it.

I don't have a concussion.

Where are you right now?

I don't have a concussion.

What's your name?

I don't have a concussion.

How many fingers am I holding up?

Dude. Okay, what's her name?

Tammy.

Okay, and she likes suits.

Oh, it's more than that. She's a former life coach.

You know, she was telling me some stuff about myself that was pretty on the mark.

So, I've decided I'm going to take her advice and see what happens.

Wait, a life coach.

Mmm. What is that?

I mean, a basketball coach, I get it.

A football coach, I get it.

But how does a life coach work?

Yep, come here. Come here. Bring it in. Bring it in.

Bring it in. Bring it in. Come on. Come on!

So, Charlie Sheen,

everybody thinks you're on drugs, all right?

You lost your show, you lost your kids,

and your women left you and your stage show sucks.

But we can still win this one, Charlie Sheen.

Remember Platoon?

Remember Wall Street?

Remember Hot Shots! Part Deux?

People love you, Charlie Sheen!

And we're gonna show 'em why.

On three. One, two, three, winning!

If you are through mocking an American icon,

I'm gonna head over to meet her at No Hitter's.

She gets off in an hour.

You meeting her over there for drinks?

No, no, no. She works there.

Wait, she's a waitress/life coach?

Mmm-hmm.

What, all the bartenders/financial advisors were taken?

Hey, baby.

Nick, we need to talk.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh, what?

Whenever a woman says, "We need to talk,"

it usually means it's something that the man does not want to talk about.

You know the messed-up thing about that?

Is that men do not have one trick that works the same way.

I mean, I can't come in here like,

"Honey, we need to get naked,"

and you like, "Uh-oh, what did I do?"

And I say, "Well, get naked, and I'll explain it to you."

And then you're like... Okay, okay, I get it.

You don't want to talk.

I will... 'cause I love you.

Did you see those clothes on the floor?

Yeah.

Why didn't you pick 'em up?

They're not my clothes. So, that's it?

That's what? Nick!

I wanted you to see how it feels when your stuff is laying all over the place.

Oh!

So, that's revenge?

Yes. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Is this the talk?

Yes, this is the talk.

Baby, if you wanted to talk,

see, you can't get revenge first, all right?

Martin Luther King did not spend five years smacking white people around,

then decide he wanted to talk.

Wait,

have you heard of a lemon squeeze?

No, what's that?

Okay, it's where you all sit together and you talk

and you get whatever is bothering you off your chest.

You turn lemons into lemonade.

How is drinking lemonade

supposed to keep us from arguing?

Nick, you don't drink lemonade, okay?

The lemons are the problems. It's complicated.

I think it's a good idea.

You know what, sweetie?

Um, how do you know it's gonna work

if you can't even explain it?

How do you know that it's not gonna work

if you don't try it?

Look, I have never bungee jumped out of a helicopter, either,

but I know... that if I do...

there'll be a slight chance...

I might bump my head against the ground.

What? What you got, huh?

Make a move. Make one.

Here. Go on, sucka.

Come on, man. You don't have to prove anything to me.

If you like her, you like her.

But you're gonna love her.

Hey! Hey, babe.

Tam, this is Nick.

Wow, in the flesh.

It's so great to meet you.

I was telling Martin, you're great for him.

I mean, he's had a lot of going-nowhere, good-for-nothing,

half-cocked crackpots running through his life

like brides at a wedding dress sale.

True. But you, you're like,

probably the most stable person he's ever known.

Tammy, can I ask you a question?

Shoot.

Martin says you used to be a life coach.

I did.

How are you supposed to just meet somebody

and then, out of the blue,

start telling them how they're supposed to change their life?

I mean, and why would anybody take you seriously

when you gave it up to become a waitress?

Hey, hey. Tam, I'm sorry.

No, no. It's okay. I get that.

What are you, close to 40, right?

Ish.

Ish, right.

You look like you're in pretty good shape.

I mean, not in as good enough shape

to have actually made a career out of being an athlete,

but enough to get compliments

from people who aren't in as good a shape as you.

What was your sport?

Football.

Ah... football.

It's crazy that failing at football

is probably the best thing that ever happened to you

because you had to grow up

as soon as you learned dreams don't necessarily come true.

Mmm-hmm. Ding, ding.

You know what, you're a great dad,

which makes sense, because there is something you can brag about.

You're the man of the house, and that feels good.

How am I doing?

All right, I guess.

Oh...

there we go, a little sensitive about it?

You don't need to be. You should be proud. Keep doing what you're doing,

Nick, you're a good man.

But you don't know everything.

See, I quit being a life coach

because people get too defensive,

and I learned most people really don't want help.

So, now, when I tell people something,

I don't have to care if they get defensive or not.

All I care about is getting your order right.

Martin, chicken club for you.Mmm-hmm.

And let me guess.

Turkey burger on wheat with avocado?

Yeah.

I'll be right back.

I know.

Okay, so this is how it works.

Earlier, I had you all write down

complaints or questions or what you wanted to say

and who you wanted to say it to,

but not who the comment is from.

Now, the goal is for everyone to voice their feelings

and for each individual not to take it as a personal attack, Suzanne.

Now, when a comment is directed to you,

you simply say, "I accept that."

I accept that.

And "Thank you."

And thank you.

Very good!

Okay, so, remember,

your problems are like lemons.

Um, I'm still not getting that whole lemon/lemonade thing.

Yeah, me either. So, are the complaints lemons?

Yes, the complaints are lemons.

So, we're trying to make lemonade,

but in order to make lemonade, you need sugar and water.

Where does that come in?

Now, that's what I said.

It doesn't make sense.

Ma, what are you doing here?

Did you start your lemon squeeze yet?

Marilyn, how did you find out about this?

Suzanne, right?

Meet my son, Nick.

I have just a few things that I want you all to know.

Now, number one:

Please don't call me up complaining about your wife.

It's just annoying.

Number two:

someone, who shall remain nameless,

needs to learn how to improve their cooking

if they want me to keep coming over to eat on Sundays.

Number three... Marilyn,

this is not how a lemon squeeze works.

I don't care.

All right, so, so far, so good.

Lindsey, this one is for you.

Lindsey, I wish you would stop rolling your eyes.

Okay, Mom. I'll work on it.

I didn't write that.

Okay, whatever you say.

Lindsey, you're supposed to say,

"I accept that, and thank you."

I accept that, and thank you.

This one's for you, Dad.

Dad, I wish you could take me to more soccer games.

Really, Kevin? That's your issue?

I didn't write that.

And besides, I thought the person it was addressed to,

was supposed to say, "I accept that, and thank you."

I accept that, and thanks...

to whoever wrote that.

This one is for Lindsey.

Lindsey, can you cover your face with a paper bag

in the morning, afternoon and evening?

What? That wasn't me.

Suzanne, you can be a little loud and demanding.

It sounds like nagging.

Well, I wouldn't have to nag if peop...

I accept that, and thank you.

Suzanne, you always have to get your way.

That is not true, I don't always have to get my way...

Suzanne, accept...

Yeah, yeah. I accept. Thanks.

Suzanne, you can be very judgmental.

Really?

Suzanne, Mom, Suzanne, Mom, oh, oh, oh.

So, there's nothing wrong with anybody in this family besides me?

Did you write this? Huh, huh?

This whole thing was supposed to be anonymous, remember?

Oh, give me a break, okay?

Everybody knows who wrote what, all right?

This one's you, this one's you.

Oh, this one is mine.

But you know what? Let's just get down to it, shall we?

I do not accept that I am a nag.

And maybe if you guys just listened to what I tell you,

then I wouldn't have to nag.

Oh, that's what... I'm here listening to you.

This whole thing was your idea.

I never wanted to do this in the first place.

Fine, then maybe we're just done.

I'm going for a walk.

I'm going upstairs.

I don't have time for this.

So... does this mean we don't get lemonade?

Morning. Good morning.

Hey, how was the lemon squeeze?

Well, let's just say

you've had worse ideas, but, presently, I can't think of one.

What about the time I responded to that email from the Nigerian prince

and I gave him all my account information?

I'm talking about bad ideas that you gave to me,

not bad ideas that you had for yourself.

Oh, sorry. That bad?

Yeah, it was horrible.

We ended up in a bigger fight than before we had any help.

Did this work when you tried it?

No.What?

Well, it was just a suggestion. I never said it worked.

Gigi, why would you suggest something if you knew it was gonna fail?

It was a horrible idea.

It's like when they sent Shaq to Phoenix

or when they sent Shaq to Cleveland.

Or when they sent Shaq to Boston.

Who's Shaq?

Look, man, I don't know if this is the right idea.

Look, man, you are my friend, all right?

I need help!

And if she is anywhere near as good as she came off the other day,

she is just the person to do it.

Now, sit down.

Hey...

Let me guess, you're not here for food.

You're right. I need help.

Oh... no.

Tam, this was not my idea.

Man, when will I learn to keep my big mouth shut?

Tam, you don't need to do this. Yes, you do, Tammy.

You're not a waitress. You're denying yourself.

Your true calling is to help people.

Mmm... no...

Yeah... and I'm people.

And I need your help.

Tammy, why don't you go get us some beer, okay? That's all we need, beer.

Beers. Tammy!

What? What do you want?

No!

My family is fighting. Can you help us, please?

Okay.

Do not introduce me to any more of your friends.

You got me? Yeah.

You brought a waitress to help solve our problems?

I thought maybe that someone with her experience

could help train us to solve some of the communication problems we've been having.

Suzanne,

why don't you tell me

what it is that's bothering you.

Fine. Uh, lately, we've been at each other's throats.

This one here won't do her chores and never stops texting.

You are so exaggerating.

And Kevin lets his alarm go all morning, and he's not even there.

Yeah, and he drinks all the milk.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I drank the last of the milk.

The last of it. There's a difference, people.

And Nick always leaves his nasty, funky, dirty workout clothes

all over the bathroom floor.

You know, you shouldn't say always. Shouldn't say always.

Thank you.

Okay, you see how we're all snippy and short with each other?

The truth is, most families are dysfunctional.

You're four people with varying degrees of intelligence,

all trying to get along under the same roof.

Varying degrees of intelligence?

What's that supposed to mean?

It means she thinks some of us are smarter than others of us.

Are you implying that some of us are stupid?

All I'm saying

is that you have kids and adults

all living under the same roof all day.

Of course you're gonna have problems.

Okay, so, how can we fix them?

Well,

you can begin by figuring out exactly what it is you want.

I want Nick to pick up his clothes off the floor.

I want Lindsey to do her chores and stop texting.

And I want Kevin not to drink all the milk.

Whoa, not this again.

Okay, people, I drank the last of the milk, the last of it.

There is a difference.

Say it with me, "last."

L-A-S-T. La...

You want Lindsey to stop texting so much

and Kevin to stop drinking all the milk.Wha...

Sorry! The last of the milk. Thank you.

But what I'm really hearing is that you want your kids to stop being so inconsiderate.

I wouldn't call our kids inconsiderate.

Yeah.

All you need to do is start thinking about each other a little more.

Hold on.

But see, that's just a veiled way of saying

that they're inconsiderate.

And I want to have you know that we have raised these children well.

Yeah.

Suzanne, we agreed to let her do this.

No, I didn't. You did.

Okay...

You see, this is why I stopped being a life coach in the first place.

People get too defensive.

I'm not being defensive. Yes, you are.

No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

No, I'm not. What do you call it?

I don't know what you call it, but I'm not being defensive.

What for?

Suzanne, she came here to help us.

It's not working.

Why are you trippin'?

I'm not tripping. Just ask her for the check.

Martin. Oh, hey, Tammy.

Um, listen, I'm glad I caught you.

Um, listen.

You're a good woman, and you are a great life coach.

Ha!

You made me realize just what a catch I am.

I have never felt so empowered or had so much self-confidence.

Martin.

Yeah.

See, you've made me think maybe I shouldn't settle

for what's in front of me, what's easy.

I should, uh, challenge myself and go for the gold.

You're breaking up with me?

Tammy, listen, you've helped me so much. Now, let me help you.

When you love something, you have to set it free.

Even if that thing immediately changes its phone number

and blocks you on Facebook.

I don't believe this!

First you guys, and now you!

This is why I hated being a life coach in the first place.

From now on, I'm not offering my advice to anyone!

I hope your lives suck!

That went well. Yeah.