Original subtitles

Ooh, watch this. Look at this.

Great.

Just the person I need to see.

What did I do now?

I'm not talking to you.

Are you free on Tuesday?

You tell me why, and I'll tell you if I am.

Well, my friend Rita from college is coming in town,

and I need somebody to double.

Ah, no, I have a... shuttle launch that day.

Wait, are you seriously asking my friend out on a date?

Yes, with Rita. Now, stay out of this.

Marilyn, I am flattered, but no.

Why not?

Look, I'm a couple years younger than him,

and you're old enough to be his mother,

so if this woman went to school with you,

that means she's old enough to be my mother's big sister.

What's your point?

My point is eh-eh-eww.

Boy, come on. It's dinner. You can't do dinner?

Besides, I'm bringing a friend,

and I wanted her to have a friend, too.

Oh, a night with three people in their 60s?

Has somebody been reading my bucket list?

For your information,

my friend is younger than you.

Great, you see if he has a friend,

and you can take him.

I got to go. What?

Ghost Dogis a great movie.

Forest Whitaker playing a samurai,

practicing the ancient code of Hagakure,

never sweatin' the small stuff,

living as though he were already dead.

And acting as though he were already dead.

This movie is making me sleepier than Forest's left eye.

I'm out.

You're wrong, man.

Hey, hey, wait. Wait, Martin.

We need to discuss this.

No, we don't.Yes, we do.

Boy! You better bring yourself back in...

Hey, how'd it go?

Oh, good. Lindsey's class is on their way to D.C.

I don't know how that girl is gonna go six hours

on a plane without being able to text.

Where's Kevin?

Upstairs.

My arm!

Oh, my God!

Kevin, what happened?

Call 911.Okay.

Call 911!

I can't remember the number to 911.

What's the number? It's 911.

Okay.

Hey, 9-1-what?

911!

Two 1s? NICK: Woman, what is wrong with you?

911!

- Okay. Oh! Oh! - Oh, my God!

Where's the phone?

I don't know. Call 911.

I don't have the phone.

Oh, well, that's 'cause I have it.

Well, give it to me.

No! Why?

Because...

You got got!

This is a joke?

Yes, honey. I'm sorry.

This is not funny.

Dad, this is funny. Your face priceless.

911! 911!

That's all right,

'cause I'm gonna get you back.

Oh, honey, don't be like that.

No, no, no, I'm not gonna be like that...

After I get you back.

Call 911!

Call 911!

Oh, my God, Kevin!

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Hey, Gigi, can you get the furniture rental place on the phone?

They still haven't delivered those pieces.

What are you doing? I'm quitting.

What? I'm sorry. I just can't take it anymore.

In at 10:00, out 6:00, every day.

It's too much.

This is not how a person is supposed to live.

Gigi, that doesn't even make any sense.

Don't tell me how I feel.

Okay, well, please don't quit now.

See, why? Because what?

We have work to do. Don't you get it? That's why I'm leaving.

So what, you're just gonna leave me hanging?

I thought we were friends.

We are. That's why I took care of that.

La-Sha, this is Suzanne.

I cannot wait for hims to see me.

Hold on.

What's your name again?

Suzanne... Your boss.

Oh, okay, mmm.

Girl, let me call you back, okay?

All right. Okay.

Oh, so I like this. This all you?

Yes. Is that my coffee?

Yes, it is, and she told me how you like it.

You like it with two creams and three sugars, so...

Well...

Ooh!

I think you gonna like it, but it's a little hot. Ooh, I'm sorry.

No, okay, now that's your coffee,

'cause that's just nasty.

Wait a minute. Hold up.

Why are you trippin'?

What's she trippin' for? She always trippin'.

But you know what? You didn't tell me that she was gonna be trippin'.

I'm not trippin', okay? You're trippin'.

I don't know you,

and I don't know where your mouth has been.

What?

Mmm-mmm-mmm. You know what? No, no.

La-Sha, just... Can you help me?

Just get those things over there.

Oh, really?

So, you're helping her now?

You know what? See? She trippin' again,

and I was tryin' to be polite.

One more time. You hear me?

La-Sha. One more time.

Oh, my goodness.

You know what?

Here.

What is this? My resignation. Read it.

Ah. What for?

Oh, fine, don't read it. I'm not.

See, that's why I'm quitting,

because anytime I need something from you,

you don't have time.

So, now you're just lying.

Oh, oh, okay, so that's why

you're not reading the letter.

Fine, I will read your funky little letter.

Thank you.

"Suzanne, the time has come for me to move on.

"The experience of working for you has forced me into a position

"where I must reveal something

"you should have known all along...

"Gotcha."

You just got got!

You're fired.

Oh, come on, Suzanne! NICK: Oh...

Martin, what is the big deal?

Look, all I'm asking you to do is to eat some food, talk,

and then go home.

How about I stay home, since I'm gonna end up there anyway?

Martin, it's just dinner.

You don't have to marry her.

I didn't ask you to call in and vote.

What if I make it worth your while?

How does $300 sound?

Ooh, like Madonna's picking up a boy at a bus stop.

Ugh.

$500?

Two hours, and then I'm out.

Good. Let's go see what you're wearing.

You want to dress me, too?

You want to give me back my money?

All right, then, let's go.

We'll see you guys later.

- All right, y'all. - Bye!

Ooh, that was good, turkey bacon cheeseburger.

You know what, baby, you ought to open up your own burger joint.

Mmm-hmm.Mmm-hmm.

Don't try to be my friend.

I'm gonna get you back, and Kevin, too.

Hey, you got me.

Look, let's just concentrate on getting Kevin.

Mmm-mmm.

Good. Yes,

faking like you're choking. I like it.

Hey, Mom.

Keep it up. Keep it up. He's coming.

Yes, honey.

Dad, are you okay?

Did you need something, sweetheart?

What's wrong with Dad?

Nothing. He's got something stuck in his teeth.

No, he doesn't. He's choking!

Nick, stop choking.

Oh, man.Ah...

You got got!

Up high!

What is wrong with you, woman? I almost died!

You want me to call 911?

I'm not playin'.You playin'.

I'm not playin'.

What's the number to 911?

What is wrong with you?

I'm not playin'. I almost died.

Ah, okay.

Mom.

Good morning, honey.

Did you sleep okay?

I did.

Yesterday, I almost died.

Today, I awakened a new man.

That's nice.

I like your robe.

Are you going to wear that to work?

I'm not going to work today.

So what, you're just gonna sit around the house all day

in your Jesus sandals?

Shoes are like jail cells for the feet.

I want my toes to be free,

no toe jam.

Okay, Nick, knock it off.

I got got. You got got. We all got got.

It's over.

And I am sorry.

I didn't realize you were actually choking yesterday.

No need to apologize.

It was not your destiny to save me.

It was Kevin's.

Hey, Dad.

Are you okay?

I am, son.

So, you're not mad at me?

You shouldn't be asking me for forgiveness.

You have the power to forgive yourself.

Okay, I forgive me.

Kevin...

Please save some orange juice for your father.

That is not necessary.

You can have all the orange juice you want.

Are you serious?

Every time he drinks the last of the orange juice,

you get all cranky.

A glass of orange juice is but an obstacle to happiness.

I am free from the juice and the pain of desire.

Cool.

So, you're not going to work.

You're not getting dressed.

You're not drinking juice,

and you've stopped using chairs.

None of these things have a real impact on our lives.

Okay, Nick, stop it.

Don't you think this is a bit much, really?

Anyone else cheat death in this house,

raise their hand, huh?

Just me.

Kevin, from now on,

I want you to do only what makes you happy.

Can I borrow your chain saw?

Take it.

It is something I no longer require.

You are not letting my son play with the chain saw.

It is his life, not mine.

I gave it to him,

and I'm not gonna let him end it

by chopping his own head off.

That's fake, you fool.

You are the worst.

I can't believe you...

Oh. Martin,

this is Rita.

Good evening.

You're Martin?

Yep.

You didn't tell me he was white.

You specified age, not color.

I'm standing right here.

Ooh, I see you. You know, it's just that,

you know, with a name like Martin,

I thought you'd be black, like Martin Lawrence.

So. There are white Martins, too.

I mean, there's Dean Martin, Steve Martin,

Martin Scorsese, uh, Martin Short.

I'm standing right here.

Well, sit down, relax. It's all good.

So, where's our fourth?

Ugh, he's sick. Can you believe that?

Sick of you.

I told you to quit stalking that boy.

Two messages is not stalking.

It is when they're each 30 minutes long.

So, tell me about yourself, Martin.

Well, um, I'm hungry, and I want to be home in two hours.

Mmm-hmm.

Uh, look, Martin,

since this was supposed to be a double date,

and I'm now flying solo, you can go on home.

Thanks. No, he can't.

You go home.

But I thought we were gonna spend some time together.

And we will as soon as I'm done with him.

I'm right here. Is that your hand?

Is that your wallet? Yes, it is.

I think that's my cue.

Order me another one of these, would you?

I'm gonna go freshen up.

I'll be right back.

Please, tell me I don't have to stay here.

Fine, but you better order $500 worth of Cosmos.

How long have you been standing there?

A few seconds.

I know what you have come to ask me.

I don't think you do.

You want to know

why I have shed my earthly attachments

and taken up the way of the sword.

Not quite, ghost dork.

I need to talk to your mother.

What?

Look, it's her friend, Rita.

I never thought I would say this,

but that woman is incredible.

I would tell you why,

but I can't talk about it without getting all...

What was that?

A memory. I need to talk to her.

Well, why don't you just call her?

Because I think she gave me a fake number.

If the universe meant for you two to connect,

then it will surely happen.

Look, you almost died. I get it. Blah, blah, blah.

Now, let me talk to your mother.

Greetings. Ugh.

Yes, this is Kevin's father.

Oh, I will make haste momentarily and be there.

Yes.

I have to go.

If the universe wants you to contact my mother,

it will provide a way.

Oh, look. The universe provided a way.

Hey, man.

"Mommy." Aww.

Do you have to do that?

It is what the universe wants for me.

Okay.

Well, Kevin here is normally a great student,

but today, I caught him cutting class.

It was just like with you, Dad.

I had two essays due,

and I hadn't done either one of them.

I almost died right in the middle of home room.

Mrs. Phillips...

Have you ever faced death? Nope.

Well, if you had, you would understand.

This is Kevin's life.

He cannot be held captive by a science.

Are you kidding me?

You heard the man.

And you're gonna let him talk to me like that?

It's not me.

I know.

It's the, uh... Universe.

Nick.

Greetings, my love.

Nick, what is going on with you?

I spoke to Kevin's teacher,

and she told me that you came up to the school

after he cut class,

and you completely blew her off.

That is her perception. I cannot change that.

Yes, you can,

and you can make the boy go to class,

and you can make him do his homework.

Perhaps I can make the boy go to class,

but will he do his homework?

Perhaps I can make the boy do his homework,

but will he go to class? Nick.

Honey, listen.

I realize that you have had a life-altering experience,

but we cannot live like this.

You've got to go to work.

If you keep missing days, they are going to fire you.

The loss of a job does not compare to the loss of life.

Oh, please. Nick, you didn't die, okay?

You choked on a half a piece of turkey bacon.

It was a whole piece.

Terrence, you've seen him talking to that stupid pigeon.Mmm-hmm.

He's walking around here looking like the Last Samurai.

Mmm-hmm. I need my husband back.

I remember the first time I almost died.

I went through that Zen stuff.

But you know what snapped me out of it?

What? Another guy tried to kill me.

Now, it's hard to be Zen

with the barrel of a .45 in your mouth.

Okay, okay, gosh.

So, the second time I almost died,

it made me appreciate not being dead from the first time.

The third time I almost died,

I had this strange craving for sugar cheese toast.

Sugar cheese toast?

Oh, it's a long story.

Some guys tried to kill me in a Jamaican bakery.

Okay, okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's get back to the point.

Will you please help me with Nick?

I'll help you under one condition.

What's that?

You do everything I say,

and you don't question my methods.

Why? What are you gonna do?

Was that a question?

Mmm.

Hey, Mom.Hi.

Whoa, that looks good. You made cake?

No, I just found it here. You want some?

Do pigeons coo?

Nick, cake?

The way of the sword urges abstinence from artificial pleasures.

It's got ganache filling.

Then I shall have a slice.

Hmm.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is that my death cake?

What? Death cake? What?

Yes, that's my death cake.

I swallowed it.

Three-layer chocolate cake with strychnine ganache.

I didn't know you were gonna be here, all right? I swallowed it.

You are not supposed to eat that.

Terrence, why would you make a death cake in my house?

Because my oven is broke.

What? Man, I swallowed.

Are we gonna die? Yes.

Oh, no. You guys got about two minutes.

Oh, my God. Oh, honey. I love you.

I don't want to die. I want to go to school.

Oh, honey.

Man, there's got to be something you could do.

The only antidote is charcoal-infused vanilla ice cream.

What? Terrence, who has that?

You were not supposed to eat that cake.

Oh, man. I only got two minutes. I got to call my mama.

Get out the way, man.

Nick.

Yo, man, what? I'm sorry, man.

Look, I will take care of your mama, Lindsey,

even your pet chicken.

Man, punk that chicken.

I don't want to die.

I don't want to be one with the universe.

What's my mama's number?

Nick, one more thing.

What, man? We only got seconds.

You just got got... Again.

We're not gonna die?

No, but you will die

if you don't get upstairs and do that homework.

They told me how you was actin' a fool at school.

So, this is not a death cake?

A death cake? Suzanne, seriously,

I'm smarter than that.

Well, honey, welcome back.

And for the record,

no one else gets got, okay?

It's over.

You're lucky this cake is good.

"I got to go call my mama."

So, this was a joke, right?

Was that a question?

Now, let me get to the store

so I can get you guys some vanilla ice cream.

What? Terrence. I'll be back.

Are you serious right now?

I'll be back.

Terrence.

Rita, you can't leave me like this.

I've got to leave you like I found you.

But that's just it. I'm not the same.

Well, don't worry. You'll get over it.

Now, get on up there. Sing me a song.

I've got a plane to catch.

Testing.

♪ My friends

♪ Feel it's Their appointed duty

♪ They keep tryin' to tell me

♪ All you want to do is use me

♪ I-I-I-I want To spread the news

♪ That if it feels This good getting used

♪ Ooh, you just keep On using me

♪ Ah, until you use me up

♪ Until you use me up

♪ Until you use me up