Original subtitles

Hey.

Let me guess. Another get-rich-quick scheme.

Look, man, I know you think all my get-rich-quick schemes are...

Get-rich-quick schemes?

Yes. And usually, they are. But this one is legit.

Lindsey and Kevin and I have decided

to enter the "Count to a million, win a million" contest.

"Count to a million, win a million"?

Yeah. All you have to do is you pay the $150 entrance fee

and then tomorrow at 8 a.m.,

we log on and we just start counting.

The first person or persons

to count to a million wins a million bucks.

That's crazy.

Do you even realize how long it's gonna take you

to count to a million?

Yeah, if we count one number a second

and count 24 hours a day,

in 11 days, 13 hours, 47 minutes and 40 seconds

we will be millionaires.

Wait, wait.

So you're gonna spend the next eleven and a half days

doing nothing but counting to a million?

Uh-huh.

White people.

What's that supposed to mean?

It's just that white people do the stupidest things

to pass the time.

Like what?

Like skydiving, bungee jumping,

joining a polar bear club, riding Vespas...

Look, man, by your own logic,

your two children are both white people.

So, there. So, laugh all you want.

In a little under 12 days, we are gonna be rich.

Well, if you are gonna spend the next 12 days

in my house, eating my food,

drinking my drink, using my bathroom

and my little white kids,

the house gets a cut.

Lindsey and Kevin are already getting two-thirds.

Lindsey and Kevin aren't the house.

Half a percent. Three percent.

One percentTwo.

Fine, but for two percent,

I get to use the master bathroom.

And I mean, use it.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Well...

Hey, baby. How was work?

Great. Actually, I have to talk to you about work.

Oh, yeah? What's up?

We are doing an awards dinner

for the Pacific Sports League,

and we were discussing MCs.

And guess whose name came up?

Yours.

Really? That's great.

Did you tell 'em, yes?

Well, I wasn't sure

if it's something that you would want to do.

Sure.

Are you sure?

I'm sure I'm sure. Why?

No reason. I just wanted to be sure that you're sure.

You seem a little unsure.

You don't think I can handle this?

No!

Are you sure? Well, I mean...

Nick, okay, you know, being a master of ceremonies,

that's not really what you do.

I mean, you're not funny.

I'm funny.

You know what I mean, honey.

Like stand-up funny.

Babe, I won't let you down.

You promise?

Yes.

Okay, then.

You're hired. But, listen.

If you get on that stage

and start acting like Colin Firth in The King's Speech,

you and me, we're gonna have a problem.

I'll be... fine.

See?

I'm funny.

Okay, we're each gonna take four two-hour shifts.

That means eight hours of counting, 16 hours of resting.

When your shift is up, the next person takes over.

I'm gonna go first, followed my Kevin, and then Lindsey.

Listen. There's no money for second place, okay?

So, we must keep counting.

I had these cards printed up for you.

"Yes." "No."

And "Maybe."

That way you can answer people's questions

without having to stop counting.

'Cause we must keep counting.

Can we stop and eat if we're hungry?

No, no, no, no.

You eat after your shift.

Why? Stay with me.

We must keep counting.

What if we have to go to the bathroom?

Cross your legs and count.

What if the house is on fire?

Stop, drop and count.

What if somebody has a heart attack?

Integrate the counting into your CPR.

Listen, man.

In eleven and a half days, we'll all be millionaires.

Let's keep it together.

Guys, it is almost time to start.

Ten, nine...

No, no, no. Stop, stop, stop, stop.

What? It's the backwards counting.

It's screwing my mind up.

Sorry.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten...

Hey, babe. Hey.

Why is Martin sitting in my family room

staring at a computer and counting?

He's trying to win a million dollars.

White people.

Yeah.

Does the house get a cut?

Yes.

Then I don't wanna know anything else.

This is for you. It's the script for the awards' show.

You might wanna, you know, look it over

and rehears it a lot.

Suzanne, if you don't want me to do it, then I won't do it.

No, honey, I'm sorry.

It's just that this is a really important night for me, too.

And I'm probably just overreacting.

But I know you're gonna be great.

But if you get out there

and starting acting like Hugh Jackman at the Oscars

or David Letterman at the Oscars

or James Franco...

All right, I got it.

22,404.

22,405.

Hey.22,406.

22,407.

You have a second? 22,408.

22,409.

You can't take a break for a minute?

22,412.

Come on, man.

This is really important to me.

Nod if you think this is funny.

It's been a rough year for the Mariners.

They became the first team in baseball

to be mathematically eliminated.

From next year's playoffs.

Really?

You thought that was funny?

You have a pre-printed card saying

"I was being sarcastic"?

Where did you get those cards?

Well, what should I do? I mean,

I can't say these jokes on stage, right?

22,433.

22,444.What?

22,436.

22,437.

Take over? You want me to count?

22,439.

22,440.

Okay, the material is weak.

Clearly, that is.

All you do is you make fun of the material.

That's what all the big comedians do.

22,446.

22,447.

Make fun of the material?

I guess that could work.

22,450.

22,451.

It's what all the big comedians do.

Conan, Lopez, all of them.

22,454.

22,455.

But their jokes weren't this bad to begin with.

Dan Patrick.

Wow!

I am a huge, huge fan.

Nick Kingston-Persons. I'm MC-ing the show tonight.

Nick, nice to meet you.

Oh, you said my name.

You shook my hand and said my name.

You're hurting my arm.

Oh, I'm sorry, my man.

Wow. I mean, it's just...

I used to watch you on ESPN when I was a kid.

Oh, when you were a kid? Oh, that's great. It makes me feel good.

Hey, sweetheart. You look great!

We're getting ready to start. Are you ready?

Yeah. Oh, wait.

Dan, this is my wife, Suzanne.

Suzanne, Dan Patrick.

Suzanne, nice to meet you. Pleasure to meet you.

Nice to meet you. Oh, my God!

The Dan Patrick, give me a hug!

Oh, my God!

I'm so glad to meet you!

Okay, so I'm not a big race car fan,

but, you know, I've just heard so much about you.

No, no, it's Danica Patrick.

I'm Dan Patrick. I don't drive race cars.

Oh, your daughter. You must be so proud of her.

Oh. Okay, they're getting ready to start.

Dan, you should have a seat.

You ready? Yes.

Good luck. Okay. All right.

Love you. Love you, too.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome.

And now, your host for the evening,

Seattle's own, Nick Kingston-Persons!

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Um, I am honored to be hosting this show.

Tonight, we'll be celebrating the very best

in Seattle sports.

As well as the mariners.

Wow.

Wow. A lot of big names in here tonight.

Ichiro Suzuki.

Uh, Matt Hassellbeck.

Blitz.

You know, Blitz, the giant bird

who's the Seahawks' mascot?

He's over there with the big head and the funny-looking hair.

Wait! That's Seahawks' head coach, Pete Carroll!

Is this thing on?

Yeah, it's on. Say something that's funny.

Um, I want to start off...

You gotta keep going. You want to say something funny.

We're going to move on to the...

Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't we fast-forward to the part

where you say something funny?

138,254.

138,255.

138,256.

138,257.

Kevin, keep counting.

Bet they've updated the results.

Let's see where we stand.

That can't be right.

Second to last?

What have the two of you been doing

when I've been asleep?

Counting.

Have you been taking bathroom breaks?

Yeah. We can't just sit here and pee in the couch.

Uh, yes, you can.

It's a million dollars. Buy a new couch!

You need to maintain your focus.

And you need to maintain your bladder.

And you need to maintain a breath mint.

Didn't want to do this.

The two of you have forced my hand.

Number.

No, no, it's gotta be faster.

Gotta be faster.

And?

And?

Lindsey.238,290.

238,291. Andale!

Andale! 238,300.

Faster!

238,304.Faster!

There are just so many people to still thank.

My third-grade coach, my fourth-grade coach.

My fifth-grade coach, my junior-high coach.

My high-school coach, my summer-league coach...

Uh, we don't have an orchestra, so this is your cue.

No, no, the other way. Other way.

Thanks.

Well, we are running

way behind schedule tonight.

Um, so it's probably safe to say, we're gonna go long.

Something the Seahawks receivers

obviously don't know how to do.

Oh.

Look, I know these jokes are lame.

And believe me, I want to say 'em,

even less than you want to hear 'em.

I don't blame you for not laughing.

I blame my wife, Suzanne.

Yeah. She's the event coordinator for tonight.

She's the one who hired me.

She said, "This script has been approved."

"Do this or sleep on the couch."

Well, right now, that couch is looking pretty damn good.

Oh, boy, it has been

a really long week at home.

You think Afghanistan is rough,

you should try touring Suzannistan.

Well, you know...

Actually, you know, they're both kind of similar.

One is in this quagmire

run by a brutal regime that oppresses people.

The other is Afghanistan.

Where is she?

Oh, there she is!

Honey, wave at everybody with your iron fist.

Now, this is funny. This is funny.

Hilarious.

When they caught Bin Laden,

he said, "Why are you after me? Suzanne is still out there!"

And then they shot him.

Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.

Thanks.

Hey, congratulations. All right.

Hey, sweetie.

Oh, oh!

So, now I'm sweetie.

What happened to the Tali-mom?

Oh, come on.

Those were just jokes.

Nick, you really messed this up.

What are you talking about?

Everybody loved it!

You went completely off-script.

You changed everything!

That's why everybody loved it.

You saw me bombing up there.

I had to do something.

Hey.

Awesome. Nick, you are awesome.

I loved the Suzannistan line.

You had to love that.

You were en fuego.

You were flat on en fuego up there, man.Wow.

I just got the Dan Patrick " en fuego."

I'm in town for a couple more days.

Drinks tomorrow night.

And bring Suzannistan.

Really? Yes! Yes, bring her.

You sure you want to go to that country?

Yeah, I'll bring my passport.

They're bombing over there.

If you rub any harder you're not gonna have any skin left.

And the jokes just keep on coming.

Oh, come on!

You are not still mad at me

about last night, are you?

Yes, Nick. I am.

All right, look.

Maybe I pushed the envelope a little.

"Pushed the envelope a little"?

You licked it, sealed it, stamped it, addressed it to me

and then pushed it down my throat.

What are you talking about?

All right, they were just laughin'.

Yeah, at me.

Nick, they were laughing at me.

You embarrassed me.

You don't have to be embarrassed. It was all in fun.

That is so easy for you to say.

What if you were just sitting there

and someone started making fun of you?

Truthfully?

It wouldn't bother me.

Really?

I guess I'm just thick-skinned.

Oh, well, good for you.

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, boy, I'm in Suzannistan!

Come on out of your compound and talk to me, baby.

Martin.

Martin, wake up!

Martin!

How long has he been asleep?

I don't know. Martin!

Forget it, forget it. I don't want to do this anymore.

But we almost caught up with the others.

I don't care!

I'm having this nightmare where I'm chased through an abandoned subway station

by a gang of giant numbers.

It was a really scary episode of Schoolhouse Rock.

What the heck is Schoolhouse Rock?

Isn't it that movie with Jack Black?

Wake up!

Lean into it.

Excuse me.

Oh, shit.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

No, I think it's exactly what I needed.

Kevin, Lindsey,

stand back.

317,353.

317,354.

317,355.

What did you do to him?

I don't know.

You know what, Nick? That stuff you said about Suzanne in the bathroom,

my wife did the same exact thing to me.

We'd buy our house, walk in right to the bathroom,

opens up the medicine cabinet,

she said, "It's all yours."

And I said, "The whole medicine cabinet?"

She said, "No, the bottom shelf is all yours."

He's hilarious!

All right, you know what, Dan?

I admit I have taken over the bathroom.

But, that is because I'm trying to keep him out of there.

Really, you have not been in there with him

when he is clipping his toenails.

It is dangerous.

They come flying at you like you're in The Matrix.

Oh, look. She's doing it!

Keanu Reeves there.

Oh, no, don't even get me started.

If you saw the ring around the tub when he gets out,

you could make When The Levees Broke part two?

No, really.

FEMA should send me a trailer.

She's awesome.Yeah.

No, no, no. No more.

No, no, no, I swear.

Sometimes, he is so ashy,

we don't even have to buy flowers.

I'm in the kitchen, I'm like, "Hey, Nick.

"Give me a couple of that ash."

Ash-hole.

I got tears in my eyes.

No, no, no. Dan, listen.

I know he looks tough.

But he cries at movies more than I do.

At the end of The Blind Side,

this one is sniffling.

I know what he's going through.

Oh, the snot bubble, and everything.

Well, I think we need to go, honey.

Oh, no, we got this.

No, Dan invited us.

No, I couldn't. No, I couldn't pay.

You know what? This has been a riot.

This has been a riot, and I'm gonna do it again.

When I come back to Seattle, we are going to do this again.

And if you ever come to Connecticut,

we are going out, my treat

We would love to.

Exactly.

That'd be great. That would be good.

What's the matter?

You're not upset, are you?

Why?

Because you put me on blast in front of Dan Patrick?

Yeah, a little.

Aw, come on.

It was all jokes.

Where's that thick skin?

Apparently, it's buried under pounds and pounds of ash.

Okay, you got me.

But did you have to embarrass me

in front of my hero, Dan Patrick?

Yeah. He was the only one there.

If I could have found 200 people that you work with,

I would've embarrassed you in front of them, too.

Okay, I get it.

Look, I was on stage

and I panicked, all right?

Then they started laughin'

and I got caught up in it.

Listen, baby. Come here, come here.

I promise.

I will never, never make jokes at your expense again.

All right? I'm sorry.

Neither will I.

And I'm sorry, too.

And all those jokes I made about you,

they're all part of the reason that I love you so much.

Even about me cryin' at the movies?

Mm-hmm.

And your ashy elbows.

You like those? Mm-hmm.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Uh-uh, uh-uh. No way.

Why not?

Uh, not as long as your friend

is downstairs, counting.

How much longer is he gonna be here anyway?

999,982.

999,983.

We are getting so close I can't even believe it.

We're almost there!

999,985.

You know, once we win this money,

I'm gonna buy a different car for every day of the week.

I'm gonna buy a Bugatti.

What do you need a car for? You can't even drive.

You're right. I'll just get a jet instead.

That's even cooler.

999,991.

Quick, you guys. Turn on the news.

Channel seven.

999,992.

And finally tonight,

police have shut down the popular online contest,

"Count to a million, win a million,"

after they discovered it was a scam run by a seven-year-old boy.

who used all of the proceeds

to buy himself a Lamborghini.

Police say they were tipped off

when he ordered the $800,000 car with a booster seat.

999,996.

999,997.

999,998.

999,999.

One million!

I win!

I win!

I'm a winner.