Original subtitles

Kevin!

Oh, my God. Nick, honey, look at this.

Wow, a purse! On the Internet!

Honey, it's the latest Bobby Schandra bag.

Oh, is that amazing, or is that amazing?

Look at the detail. Look at the color.

Look at that price.

Ooh, $1,200 for a purse? What's in it, money?

That is not the point.

The point is, you're supposed to be able

to put stuff in it, right? Yeah.

Well, what can you do with a $1,200 purse

that you can't do with a $200 purse.

Tell people it costs $1,200.

Kev... Yeah?

You got a letter.Oh. Thanks.

No.

"Kevin Kingston-Persons, we are pleased to inform you

"that you have been pre-approved for a bank 2 gold card.

"Your credit limit is..."

♪ Go, Kevin Got a credit card

♪ Go, Kevin Pre-approved

♪ Go, Kevin Bank transfers... ♪

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

That is amazing. Isn't it?

I mean, you already can't tell me nothin',

but if I had this bag, I'd be through, Suzanne.

Oh, I know. Hmm. Oh, well.

"Oh, well"? You're not getting it?

No. Nick is not gonna let me buy this bag.

Let you? Aren't you at work now, Suzanne?

Yes, but we can't go spending our money on anything we want

without talking to each other.

If we did, the whole house would be full of purses, shoes, and computers.

Suzanne, we've had this discussion before...

I know, and sometimes, I have to treat myself.

And I do. I get mani-pedis, I get massages...

Well, okay, is that a treat, Suzanne? A manicure-pedicure?

I mean, when you really think about it,

it's a necessity.

Oh, does your man want you walking around

with claws on your hands and talons on your toes? No.

And a massage? Come on, it's nice, but a treat?

You can't show nobody that massage,

but you can show somebody that bag.

And when a woman walks up to you, Suzanne,

and says, "Is that a Bobby Schandra bag?"

You can say,

"Why, yes. Yes, it is."

Okay.

Now this, this is the last one in stock.

So, are you gonna get it, or do I have to?

What, no! You wouldn't do that. Yes, I will!

You cannot afford this bag.

I don't care! I'll do it just to teach you a lesson!

All right, all right, all right!

Let's go. Whoo!

Oh, I'm excited, Suzanne!

I can't figure out why they would send a kid a credit card.

I've already been approved for a mortgage,

a car loan, and Medicare.

So, we need to give it a test run and see if we can buy something.

"We"? Yes, we.

Or I can tell Mom that you got it,

and then she can send it back.

Okay, calm down.

All right, I already put the number in,

so if the song downloads, we're in business.

It's downloading. Yeah!

It works!

♪ Go, Kevin Activated

♪ Go, Kevin...

Wow.

That is so cool. So, what now?

Pizza.

Hey, Nick,

do you know how to make these stupid Blueteeth phone things work?

Bluetooth, Ma. And you just need one.

Which one? The left one.

Hey, I'm making lasagna.

Now, do you add the noodles first or the cheese?

Noodles. So, now what?

I'm trying to get this thing to turn on, but it won't.

Did you charge it? How am I supposed to do that?

With the charger. Check the box.

Why do I need this thing anyway?

So, you don't get another ticket

for talking while driving.

Now, which cheese do I add after the noodles?

Ricotta. Ooh, who's gettting the Bobby Schandra bag?

Nobody. That's why I'm fixing dinner.

Suzanne wanted to buy it and I said no.

Now, after the cheese...

Then the meat, then the noodles,

then the cheese, then the meat again.

What do you mean, you said no?

It's too much money to spend on a purse. Says who?

What is it with women and purses anyway?

What difference does it make to you? It's her money.

She works hard. She can buy whatever she wants to.

It's our money. Oh, really?

Let me ask you something.

Do you call Suzanne every time you wanna go out and have a beer with the boys?

No.And how often would you say you do that?

Every couple of weeks? All right, yeah.

And you spend, what, $40,$50 every time? So?

So, let's just call that $1,000

you spend every year without asking her a thing.

Now, is that your money, or is it her money too?

That's different. You see how much that thing costs?

Yep. Costs less than a divorce.

For the last layer, is it noodle cheese or meat cheese?

Now, where do I set the other end of this thing?

Let me do it.

I got it!

Large pizza for Kevin Kingston-Persons.

That's me. I need to see the credit card.

Of course you do, which is why I have it,

'cause it's my credit card.

Sign this, please.Okay.

Uh, that's it, right?

Yep.

Oh, cool. You know what, we don't need the pizza.

Yeah, we're all good. Yeah, you can keep that.

Yes!

Hey, Lindsey, who was that?

Nobody!

Time to get serious.

Yeah, let's order Chinese food!

Oh, my God. Just go upstairs, seriously, right now.

Let's do this.

Man, if they could roll this smell up and sell it on the street,

I will be sprung out like Gator from Jungle Fever, girl.

And look, look, it has a pocket for everything.

Let me see. It even has a hidden little holder

that fits my phone perfectly. Aww, that is so cute.

Okay, you have to see. All right, hold on.Okay.

It's gorgeous.

Ahhh! So, now I have it.

Now, how do you explain it?

Okay, I took the money out of our savings account,

but I have a bonus coming

in a couple of weeks from the peer event,

so I'll just put it back then.Nice.

Okay, that explains the money. What about the purse?

All I have to do is work it into the rotation.Mm-hmm.

I'll tell Nick it's a knockoff.

He'll never know the difference.

And the student has become the master.

Mmm.

Oh! Okay, what happened? What happened?

Oh, Gigi, I can't do this. Do what?

The purse, the lying, it's too much.

Come on. He lies to you. Gigi, look.

I don't wanna be happy in secret.Mm-hmm.

I mean, the whole point of having it is so I can brag and enjoy it.

It would be like if Nick went out and bought a Bentley,

and he snuck out of the house to drive it.

And I never knew anything about it. How much fun would that be?

Lots.Okay. Give it back.

Come on, no! I'm taking it back.

Suzanne, come on, let's just... Let's not be hasty.

Let's just breathe...

...and think about this, right?

This is a Bobby Schandra bag.

It's the last one in its line.

I mean, in a phrase, this bag is hotter

than the crotch of a fat man in Mexico.

Nice graphic. Thank you.

Now, if you take this bag back to the store,

sure, they'll give you a refund.

But if you gave it to me,

I could sell it and give you double the money back.

We split the profits, Nick is none the wiser,

no harm, no foul.

But you love this bag. Why don't you take it?

No, don't knock my hustle, okay?

There will be other bags,

'cause I'm about to get this money.

Man, this is the coolest website ever. They have everything.

"Tray Table Mall." Who knew?

All right, so, Lindsey,

you've got this necklace, sunglasses, and these bracelets.

I've got the remote control plane, digital microscope, headphones, and a space pen.

And what about you, Troy? Are you sure you want this?

A batarang? Yes.

It might be the single coolest, yet most useless weapon

in the arsenal of the Dark Knight.

You throw it, and it comes back to you, which is pretty cool.

But if you hit anything, which is probably why you threw it,

you lost it.

It's like a rock would be more convenient.

A bat rock!

Okay.

So, where are we gonna ship all this stuff?

I mean, we can't ship it here. Mom and Dad will see all of it.

Oh, yeah. My house.

My mom constantly watches the shopping channel.

We get so many mysterious boxes,

you'd think we were part of Al-Qaeda.

Are you?

No.

Oh, my God. Nick. Good to see you again.

What are you doing here?

Hello, gay-friendly.

Listen, not that I'm not,

but can you not call me that, in public?

I mean, Martin. My name is Martin.

Chill out, man. I'm just playin' with you, man.

What up, boy? Marty-mart.

Stop taking yourself so serious.

Yes, what can I help you with?

You guys sell the Bobby Schandra bags, right?

Oh, my God. I have to tell you,

people did not like those bags when they came out first.

They didn't like 'em. But what did they do?

They get Paris Hilton. She took a dog, put it in the bag,

and now they're flying off the shelf everywhere,

like gold teeth in New Orleans.

I need the red leopard patent leather one.

Ooh! That one, dawg?

You doin' it like that?

Big baller, shot-caller. Look at you, dawg.

Yeah. Everybody ain't able, dawg.

Everybody ain't able.

Yeah. Oh, man.

And this is for the jump-off, right? No, no.

No, no, that's a jump-off bag right there, dawg.

No, that's... All right, look, look, look.

You keep it real with me, player to player, pimp to pimp.

All right, dawg. Listen, dawg.

Did your wife catch you with the jump-off?

I don't even know what a jump-off is.

This is definitely for his wife.

You know what? You're such a good guy, and I admire you so much.

Because you're out here purse shopping,

with your BFF. It's a beautiful thing.

He is purse shopping, I'm hanging out.

I'm not purse shopping, and he is not my BFF.

You're in the mall together, right? Yeah.

You're looking for a bag, right? Well, he's...

You know what you're doing?

♪ You're purse shopping

♪ With your BFF

♪ You're purse shopping... Hey.

Can you just check on the bag, please? Yes, thank you.

We're out.

I'm sorry, sold the last one yesterday.

Are you gonna get anymore in?

I don't know, because, you know, the designers, they only make so many.

If you do get anymore in... All right.

...would you give me a call? All right, dawg.

All right. Appreciate it. I got you, dawg.

Hey, dawg, for real. I'll handle your business, dawg.

I'm with you, dawg. With you.

Bless you.

Um, who is your BFF?

I'm guessing I'm supposed to say it's you?

You are. Because?

Because I used to date this girl,

and all she cared about

was getting the latest bag or the latest pair of shoes,

and when she couldn't find the stuff in the store, she would go online.

I'm missing your point. I found your purse.

You found the purse? Yes. Yeah, well, technically, she did.

Not only did she find it, she found a seller right here in Seattle.

And you can meet up with her later today to pick it up.

I'm gonna forward you all the info.

It's an online auction,

so just go to this website and contact the seller.

And you and she can arrange a place to pick it up.

Cool. What time can we go?

Oh, I think I've done quite enough purse shopping with you for one day, Nick.

But if you decide to go for a matching pair of shoes, call me.

Isn't that cute,

you two spending your last few moments together.

You found a buyer.

And you will not believe what he is willing to pay for it.

Come look at this.

Look. Whoa! Is that real?

Yes, I told you those Bobby Schandra bags were no joke.

So, we've been trading emails back and forth.

He's a local. He wants to pick it up.

I'm supposed to meet him at No Hitters later.

I can't believe somebody is willing to spend that for this.

Yes, this for that,

and then we can get these.

Wow. Mmm!

Girl, you know, I usually get annoyed

by your occasional crisis of conscience,

but this one, this one worked!

Anyway, I can't meet him when he wants to meet,

so you're gonna have to go.Fine.

But I wanna spend some more time with her before she goes away.

What did I do with my keys?

Oh, hey! Hey!

Baby!

What are you doing here?

Oh, you know, I was supposed to meet Martin for some drinks,

and he was supposed to be here by now,

but, you know, I guess I'll just have to give him a call.

Oh.

Uh, what about you? Huh?

What are you doing here?

Uh, Gigi. I was supposed to meet Gigi.

Here? Here, yeah!

You know, actually, now that I think about it,

maybe I was supposed to meet her back at the office.

You know, I should call her,

'cause maybe we got our signals crossed or something.

Man, Martin's not answering.

Honey, can I borrow your phone? I can't find mine.

Oh, here you go.Okay.

What's in the bag? Huh?

The bag, what's in it?

Oh...

It's for Gigi.

You know... Yeah, this is hers, it's not mine.

That's why I was meeting her here so I could give it to her.Oh.

Hmm. No answer. Thank you.

Why don't you text her?

No, no, no. Baby, that's okay,

because, you know, if I text her from your phone,

she's just gonna be like, "Why is Nick texting me?"

You know how she is.

Why don't you text Martin?

Um... Well, you know how Martin is.

I mean, you know, if you're not a girl,

you might as well be texting a hole in the ground.

He'll be like, "I didn't hear it. I didn't hear it."

So, what is it? What is what?

What's in the bag?

Uh... Oh, I don't know.

You know, it's...

I told you, it's not mine, it's Gigi's.

You know, so, I was just picking it up for her.

Why are you picking up stuff for her?

Because it was on the way.

Why are you meeting Martin here?

Uh... Well, you know, no reason. Just grabbing a beer.

Excuse me, miss.

Who are you? I don't know you.

You know, you don't be coming up to me and talking, okay?

This is my husband, all right? Nick, tell him.

You know, I don't know who this man is.

Calm down, lady. I just want to know

if I can use this empty chair.

Why is he so mad then?

I don't know. What's his problem?

Excuse me, sir... Hey, whoa. Hey, whoa, lady.

I don't know you, all right? Look, this is my wife.

Could you turn right there? Take a look. That's my wife.

Yeah. All right? Tell her, Suzanne.

I don't know... I've never seen this woman before in my life.

Relax, crazy man, I just wanted to borrow your salt.

All right, well, get to gettin', Gomorrah.

Okay, well, I should probably just,

you know, head back to the office.

Well, what are you about to do?

Um, I'm just gonna sit here and wait for Martin,

and if he doesn't show up, then I'm just gonna head on.

Oh, okay.

Um, uh... I'm gonna go.

Okay, I am gonna stay.

Oh.

I'll see you later. Okay, back at the house.

Okay!

Suzanne, I've been trying to call you!

I lost my phone.

Well, what happened yesterday?

The guy emailed me, said he waited at No Hitters for an hour,

and you never showed.

I showed. It's just that Nick was there, and I panicked.

What was Nick doing there?

He was waiting for Martin.

And I was standing there like a serial killer with a body in the trunk.

He started asking questions, and I had to get out of there.

Okay, well, just give me the purse,

and I'll just send him a note and set up another meet.

I can't give you the purse. I took it back.

Where?

To the store.

J. Nathan's? Yes.

No. No.

No! Suzanne, why!

Why would you do that?

I had to, okay?

Had to? Yes!

I told you, the cheating, the lying, the sneaking, I suck at it!

We were going to get paid.

This is Nick.

Is this Nick Kingston-Persons?

I just said this is Nick.

Hey, don't get smart with me, okay?

You know who you are, but I don't know who you are.

Yeah... How're you doing?

Hey, lookit here, dawg. I got that bag for you.

I've been holding it for you, man.

So, the bag is down here, if you still want to get it for your jump-off,

I mean, your wife.

The red Bobby Schandra?

Dawg, it's down here.

You need to get down here before the housewives come down here.

When those Real Housewives get down here,

the ones that got money,

dawg, it's gonna be cat fights, weaves, lace front weaves,

eyelashes, nipple rings.

Everything will be flyin' all over the place.

Hey, thanks, man. I appreciate it.

Your wife is gonna be happier than a fat man sittin' in some butter.

Right. I'll be there in an hour.

Bring some extra money.

I got some pit bull puppies I'm selling.

Mmm, baby, that was good.

Oh, thank you.

Honey. Hmm?

I've been thinking about something.

What's that, babe? It's about that Bobby Schandra bag.

Oh, really?

What about it? I know how much you really wanted it.

I mean, you could've just gotten it.

I mean, it's not like you don't make your own money.

Babe...

I wouldn't get something that expensive unless you were okay with it.

Really? Really.

But if you could have it, would you still want it?

I don't know.

I guess, yeah. Why?

Because... I don't know.

Bam!

Oh, my God!

Oh, Nick. Oh, this is wonderful!

Oh! Ohhh! Oh!

Oh, honey.

Oh, my God. Oh, but the money.

No, no, baby. That purse was worth it.

Oh! You wanna know why?

Because you love me.

Oh, that too.

But it came with something extra.

It did? What? Oh, oh, watch this.

Look.

Go ahead. Answer it.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Hello? That's right, it's a phone!

Yeah, look, and it's a great phone,

because it looks just like yours. Huh?

Look at that. And even, the purse people even programmed it

with all your numbers.

Now I see why you wanted it so bad.

Baby... Um, I can explain.

Oh, I'm sure you can.

Oh, hold on! I'll get it.

Hello.

What the heck is that?

This is a Segway personal transporter.

Yeah, I kinda thought that's what it was.

Do you wanna know why I'm riding a Segway personal transporter?

Okay.

Your son bought it.

Kevin bought that. Yes, he did.

With what? Those things cost a few thousand dollars.

Exactly. He bought it with his credit card.

Okay, this must be some kind of mistake.

Yes, it is. And I'd like to know what kind.

And I'd also like your son

to stop delivering his ill-gotten goods to my house.

What goods?

Super Solar sunglasses,

digital microscope, pizza, gravity boots.

Who bought two batarangs?

One for throwing, one for keeping.

Kevin!

Move out of the way!

Oh, he's coming! Ahh, move out of the way.