Original subtitles

Hey, handsome.

Did you watch the morning show today? No, why?

Oh, we had this kid on, I mean...

Have you ever heard of tiger moms?

Isn't that where Asian parents put their kids in some kind of mental boot camp?

Right.

Let me tell you, I don't think I would've ever thought of our kids

as being stupid, but, man, when I saw that kid today,

I was like, "Man!"

Okay, so what are you trying to say?

Look, this kid was amazing!

Look, he had all straight A's, he's a concert pianist,

and at 14, he is graduating high school.

You hear me? High school!

Okay, wow. So, maybe he's gifted.

Nope. I asked.

His mother said the boy was trying to put round pegs

in square holes until he was ten.

Then she became a tiger mom.

Look at him now.

The boy went from I-D-I-O-T to MIT in three years.

Okay, so, Nick, our kids may not be doing all that.

They're not doing all that? They ain't doing none of that.

Hey, Mommy. Is dinner almost ready?

Not yet, sweetheart.

Hey, Lindsey.

What are you getting into tomorrow? Nothing.

How about you, Kev? Huh?

What are you getting into tomorrow, man? Level seven.

"Level seven." Wow. Okay.

You know, while our kids are tweetin' and gamin',

that kid is out there designing the next billion-dollar social network.

Oh, I love that movie.

Okay, so what do you wanna do?

You wanna become a tiger dad?

Either that,

or we get some new kids.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Okay, so I've been reading about these tiger moms,

and, you know, it sounds good at first,

but these people are making their kids nuts.

Nuts, how?

Okay, well, the kids are all stressed out.

You know, they develop eating disorders,

they have anti-social tendencies.

You know, one of these kids actually attacked his own mother.

Suzanne, you are talking about extremes.

Well, honey,

that's because this is extreme.

These people, they don't praise their kids in public.

They don't let them eat junk food.

They probably beat them on the bottom of their feet,

and make them sleep in a hot box.

Suzanne, news flash. Our kids are average, all right?

And average is not gonna cut it.

If Michael Jackson was average,

he'd be alive and well, broke and black,

living in Gary, Indiana, all right?

Is that what you want for our kids, huh?

Fine.

Okay. Well, I can't knock you

for wanting the best for our kids.

But I tell you what,

if one of them tries to attack me,

we're all gonna end up on the news.

All right.

Don't ask any questions.

Just. Go. With. Your.

Gut.

No questions. Choice.

Which one? Pick.

Fine. This one.

Are you sure? 'Cause I was thinking this one.

Okay, fine. That one.

Come on! Don't pick it 'cause I did.

I want your opinion.

I gave it to you, you gave it back.

Are you sure?

No, I'm not sure. I don't even know what I'm looking at.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry,

This is my new tattoo.

Really? A tattoo? Yes. Yes!

Come on. You know, I've been in this rut. I've been thinking,

I need another one.

That means there's a first one.

Yes, it's on my scalp.

You remember when I went through that Britney Spears moment

a couple of years ago? I took that trip, cut off all my hair.

Amsterdam.Yes.

You have a tattoo on your head?

A circular maze.

Huh. Really? Yes.

Oh, I've always wanted a tattoo.

Then you should get one.

The time for me to get a tattoo

has long passed, okay?

I mean, I'm a wife, I'm a mother.

The is the time where you're supposed to be getting rid of your tattoos.

Well, I think you're wrong. I think you're wrong.

'Cause a tattoo is an expression of who you are,

Can I get a tattoo of me not wanting to get out of bed in the morning?

No.

Come on, seriously.

Do you wanna be a boring 88-year-old woman without a tattoo,

or an interesting, sexy,

88-year-old woman

with a tattoo?

Okay, that doesn't sound interesting or sexy,

but I do see your point.

Oh, good. So, now,

all we have to figure out is what you're gonna get and where you gonna get it.

Uh, I've got a few ideas.

Get out of here, Ali!

I'll just...

Bye. Go!

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Just the two I'm looking for.

What are y'all doing?

Nothin'.Not much.

Well, all that is about to change.

Kevin, hand it over. What?

The game. What game?

That game.

Hand the phone.

Are you being serious right now?

Yes.

Mom! Mommy! Help!

Don't call her. Talk to me. All right?

Operation Tiger Dad is in full effect.

Tiger what?

Tiger dad.

I'm gonna take you kids from average to excellent,

academically, artistically, and socially.

What do you want?

Oh, she didn't want anything, baby. You can do the laundry.

It's summer.Yes.

We're supposed to have time off.

Stupid does not take time off! All right?

It's working day and night, trying to take you down.

Listen, now,

do you guys know what Facebook would be if it took time off?

Hmm? Myspace.

All right? You know who Kobe Bryant would be

if he took time off?

Allen Iverson.

Do you know who Oprah would be if she took time off?

Hmm? Gayle. All right?

Now, I'm here to make sure that doesn't happen.

So, tomorrow morning, at 9:00 a.m. sharp,

I am starting a program

to help you realize your full potential! All right?

Lindsey, you will be taking violin lessons.

What? I don't wanna play the violin.

Nobody wants to play the violin. All right?

But once you learn, you will.

Kevin, you will be taking Algebra prep.

Algebra? I barely got through long division.

And when you're done, you'll be able to create a formula that explains why.

In the afternoon, you both will be taking Farsi.

What's that?

It's only one of the world's hardest languages.

And then there will be vocabulary immersion,

uh, targeting the elements and tennis.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That was only for one day?

Nick, don't you think that's a lot for a day?

You know, you're right, baby. All right.

I'll save going over the rest of the week for later.

Great, that'll give me time to check the train schedules.

If I'm not here in the morning, just know that I love you,

and I'll send a note once I'm safe.

Ooh, wow.

Just like I always pictured it.

Small, kinda dangerous, a little dirty.

Kinda like Filipino men.

So, we are here. Pick something.

Hey, have you decided where you're gonna get yours?

I was thinking the back of my neck.

Visible, but only if I know you like that.

What about you? Where are you gonna put yours?

I don't know. I'm definitely not gonna get a tramp stamp.

Maybe my ankle, or, you know, my shoulder.

You could always put it in your armpit.

That way no one would ever see it,

unless they're trying to rob you,

or trying to wash your armpit.

Oh, Saito, this is Suzanne.

How're you doing? Hi.

Nice to meet you, Saito.

Um, just, this is my first tattoo.

Yeah, I figured.

Breaking out of the box, getting wild.

You don't wanna be the old lady that's always been wanting

to get a tattoo and didn't.

I know I don't,

Bring back those pictures? Oh, yeah.

Okay, it's going to be this one!

Oh, that's nice.Mmm-hmm.

But kinda sedate considering that you have a maze tattoo on your head.

Is that a true story?

Wow, that's crazy. I know, right?

I have that same tattoo.

But well, I can't tell you where it is.

Oh, what? Is it in your armpit?

Are you sure you wanna do this?

I've seen your type before.

You wanna spice things up by getting a tattoo,

and you don't want anybody to see it.

You know, which is kind of an insult.

Well, I mean, Saito,

I would love to get, you know,

my whole arm done. Sleeve!

But, you know, I've kids, I have a business.

I got kids. I got a business.

Well, you know what I mean.

Yeah, I think I do.

Okay, so I was thinking about this.

Oh! That means "life."

Yeah, see, I can't read it,

but I do speak a little Chinese.

Yeah, so do I. Because I'm Chinese.

Wait, "Saito."

But that's Japanese. That's not a Chinese name.

What, just because I'm Chinese, I can't have a Japanese name?

I mean, somebody ought to call up Whoopi Goldberg

and tell her to change her name because she ain't Jewish.

Somebody better call up Shaquille O'Neal,

and tell him to change his name, because he ain't Irish.

Somebody better call up Jennifer Lopez and tell her to change her name

because she ain't Puerto Rican. Yes, she is.

She is? Oh.Yes.

Well, you know what they say.

Is that what they say? Oh, yeah, that's what they say.

Let me tell you what.

Let me take care of her, and then I'll take care of you.

Okay, great. Thank you.

All right.

So, Amsterdam... Yes.

...where are you putting this one?

Pow!

Ooh, crazy.

Hey, guys. How was your day?

I think it went great.

That's because you weren't playing the violin

while trying to stand on your toes for an hour.

You don't know that. Huh. You don't know that.

Look, can I just go watch some videos?

No, you may not go watch some videos.

Can I go play video games with Troy?

No, you may not go play video games with Troy.

Why not?

Games are a distraction. Games are fun.

Fun is a distraction.

Do you think Tiger Woods became the world's best golfer by having fun?

I don't know if that's how it started, but that's how it ended.

Got tomorrow all planned out?

Yep. I'm thinking of doubling up on the music sessions,

you know, putting them in a group after the individual sessions.

Uh, Nick, don't you think you're pushing the kids a little too hard?

Why?

Because they ran to their mommy saying that they're tired?

Shoot, I'm tired too.

Tired of being worried about whether or not

my kids are gonna make it in this world.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You got a tattoo?

Yeah. You like?

Oh, yeah! I guess. What does it mean?

It says, "Eternal Love," and it's dedicated to you.

Oh, wow.

A tattoo dedicated to me? Oh, baby.

Mmm. Hmm.

You know, I always wanted someone

to put "Nick" somewhere on their body.

And by someone, you mean me, right?

Exactly.

Well, you're just gonna have to settle for this.

Putting "Nick" on my body

is a little bit too much for me.

And I'm not saying that we will,

but what if we break up?

Oh, we ain't breaking up.

But if we did, I mean,

you could always fix it with "Snickers."

"In the nick of time," "nickel-and-dime."

You do realize this sounds like

you put way too much thought into this?

It's beautiful.

Thank you.

I'll be right with you guys.

Okay, thanks.

This place brings back memories.

I dated girls with tattoos. It's scary.

You don't know whether they're gonna be wild

like skinny-dipping at midnight,

or wild like chain you to a radiator in the basement.

Which happened to you?

Both, and with the same girl.

She chained me to a radiator, and then went skinny-dipping.

So, you can understand my fear.

As a matter of fact, I don't.

Thanks for the story.

So, shouldn't you be out making your kids do

knuckle push-ups on rice or something?

You know, when I first got into this, man,

I didn't realize that I would have to up my game, too.

But being a tiger dad is almost harder than being a tiger kid.

Academic excellence and actual success are not synonymous.

Right, but academic ignorance and actual failure are.

Look, you know, I'll take my chances making my kids smart.

There you go. Seems apropos.

A panther. I like it.

Thank you, Saito.

And I'll be back next week for my piercing.

All right, I'll see you later, baby. Oh, yeah.

What's up, guys? What kinda ink you thinking?

Oh, not for me. It's for him.

You? Yeah, me. Why?

You're dark. What?

I mean, you're a dark-skinned black man and you want a tattoo.

What's the point in that?

The point is I want a tattoo. Why?

You're barely gonna be able to see it.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

I mean, you have beautiful skin,

but it's not good for tattooing.

Now, look at this guy right here.

Sickly-looking vampire guy.

Perfect for a tattoo.

Thanks.

You, not so much.

I like people to see my work.

I mean, putting a tattoo on you, it's kinda like

getting a haircut and then putting a hat on.

Okay, you know, I'm gonna keep this simple for you, man. All right?

I want a tattoo. You are a tattoo artist.

Now, can I get a tattoo,

or do I have to take my money and take it someplace else?

You know what, I'm sorry.

Thank you. You're right.

I mean, if you want a tattoo, you should have a tattoo.

Thank you.

Did you pick a design out? Yeah, right there.

A black panther?

Oh, man, that is perfect.

That's like me putting a grain of rice on your skin, you know what I mean?

You guys, that is amazing!

Honey, the kids can count in Farsi.

What?

What number was that?

Lady, you have to tell me what they said.

You know, I will admit I was a little skeptical at first,

but this is really impressive.

You wanna see something you're gonna really be impressed by?

Okay.

All right. You ready? Yeah.

And bam! My new tattoo!

Oh, you got one too. That's great!

What does it say, "Suzanne"?

No, it's a panther.

Are you sure that's not a penguin?

No, it's a panther.

Look, I can make it move.

That's a panther?

He says it's gonna take a little while for the ink to set,

but once it's takes, it's gonna pop like, "Whoo!"

That does not look like a panther.

It looks like one of the monkey toys with the little cymbals.

It's not a monkey, it's a panther.

I'm gonna go practice my scales. My lesson starts soon.

Did you know Kanye used the violin on his last album?

Kinda cool.Yeah.

I'm gonna go study my formulas.

Off to study without being told?

I never would've believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.

Kinda like my tattoo. Rawr!

Yeah, um...

You know, honey, I was thinking,

once the kids go back to school,

there's a lot more things that we can sign them up for.

More? Yeah.

You know, when I started this whole tiger dad thing,

it was for the kids, but, you know,

it's a lot of lessons and pickups.

I mean, it turns out it's a whole lot of work.

Oh, and I appreciate that.

I mean, once they are done,

they're gonna be the smartest kids in Seattle,

so, you know, why stop now.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess I could try

to find some time to get some sleep.

Occasionally.

Sometimes.

Yay! Very good.Yay.

Thanks, Mommy.

Mrs. Kingston-Persons, can I have a glass of water?

Oh, yeah, of course. Just follow me.

Great job. Keep going.Okay.

I love your tattoo.

Oh, thank you.

I mean, it's really original.

Usually, people do stuff, they don't even know what it means,

but that is cool.

So, what made you pick that? I love that place.

Oh, um, Needles?

My girlfriend took me there.

No, I mean the Red Dragon Restaurant. I was just there last night.

Excuse me?

The Red Dragon Restaurant.

You have that tattooed on your shoulder.

What? No, this says, "Eternal Love."

Oh, the big characters say "Eternal Love,"

but the little characters say,

"Red Dragon Restaurant. Five Seattle locations.

"Mention this tattoo and receive 5% off."

You're Korean, this is Chinese.

Just because I'm Korean, I can't read Chinese?

Dad. Dad, wake up.

Dad! What?

Get up! What? What?

We're gonna be late.

It's Sunday morning. Yeah, we know.

You don't have classes on Sunday morning.

Uh, they do now.

Oh, all right. You know, okay.

Look, maybe it's time

we take Operation Tiger into phase two.

All right? This is when I'll begin to introduce things

I've taken away back into your life.

Like what? Like sleep.

Aren't you guys tired?

I'm not. My brain is stimulated.

Look, Lindsey, don't you wanna text some of your friends?

They can't read Latin.

Guys, I am tired, okay?

Look, I know I want you to be a success, all right?

And I want you to be able to compete,

but if preparing you for the future kills me now, I just don't see the point.

Does this mean no more Farsi lessons?

Why would you wanna take Farsi, anyway? Huh?

Look, they're just gonna put you on the no-fly list. You don't want that.

Okay. Kids, your father is tired.

Yeah... Move.

Here, here.

Take... Why don't you go text some people?

I know you gotta get caught up on that.

Why don't you work on your level 7, 8, 9? All that stuff, man.

Go dumb down a little bit. Go.

Aw, honey, are you all tigered out?

Yes, yes, I am.

Hey!

We need to talk to you.

I'm here, you're here. Seems like a good time.

You put an advertisement for a restaurant on my back?

I gave you 5% off.

And no one can even see my tattoo. Well, I did warn you.

Okay, what are you gonna do about this?

If you don't like it, just wash it off. It's temporary.

You didn't even give me a real tattoo?

Why would I give you a real tattoo?

So you can come back here in six months and ask me how to get it removed?

But before you take it off, you should try the kung pow chicken.

It's fantastic.

What about me?

I've been waiting for this thing to settle, and I still can't see it.

That's 'cause there's nothing there, you moron.

Look, I told you you're too dark. But would you listen? No.

So, wait, you just stabbed me in the arm for half an hour?

Yes. Yes, I did.

Okay, all righty. Okay, let's go.

Okay, come on. Let's go.

Come on.