Original subtitles

Oh, yeah.

Honey, honey.

What is all that stuff for, anyway?

Oh, just some consumer product testing for work.

They want me to try this stuff out, see if I like any of it.

Dad, can I try too?

What do you need to work out for?

You're nothing but skin and bones.

That's why I need it. Those sixth-grade bullies are no joke,

and they don't cyber bully. They actually bully.

Hey, look at that. A dumbbell holding a dumbbell.

Hey, everybody, look! A test-tube baby!

Okay, enough, you two.

Good morning, Daddy.

Good morning, baby. No.

Look, I know you think I'm coming to ask you

for some money, but I'm not.

I was coming to tell you that I'm gonna get a job.

Oh, my gosh, honey, that is fantastic.

Way to go! I know, right?

Too bad you said, "No."

Now my confidence is shattered,

and I'm gonna have to keep borrowing money from you.

Your confidence being shattered is revenge

from all those mirrors you shatter with your face.

If you're looking for some traffic to play in,

you might want to check interstate 5.

All I have to do is walk through traffic with your face on a shirt.

That'll stop traffic. People would be like

"Oh, my gosh!"

Big explosions, fire trucks...

Boy, go shake your weight.Yeah.

You know where you're gonna to look?

I have an interview at Up-and-Down Burger tomorrow.

You know what? Maybe we should ask my mother about this.

She was in human resources for a while. She knows all the tricks.

Thanks, Dad.

All right.

She still there?

Yep.

Just ignore her. She'll go away.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Hey, babe.Mm-hmm.

Uh, these are yours.

All right. Oh, no!

What?

Look, Gigi's doing another one of her all-female plays for charity.

Which one is she doing now?

"September Williams presents an all-female adaptation of Training Day."

Training Day?

Well, hopefully it'll be better than

when they did Boyz n the Hood.

Ricky!

Boy, pick up my chair.

Oh, baby, I don't think I can sit through another one of those.

Well, what makes you think that I want to?

I tell you what. You back my lie, and I'll back your lie,

and we can both stay at home.

Deal. What's the lie?

Good morning!

Hey, Gigi! We were just talking about you.

Weren't we, Nick? Yep.

Let me guess. You got the invitation for the play!

We're doing Training Day. Isn't that exciting?

Guess what role I'm playing.

Alonzo Harris.

Oh, wow. Gigi, that is wonderful.

Thank you.

But we have some bad news. What?

Nick, tell her.

Uh, well,

we didn't realize that the show was coming up so fast,

and we made plans

to take a family trip that weekend. That weekend?

Yeah, Nick had a few days off.

Why didn't you tell me this before?

Well, I mean, it just came up. I mean...

And it just seemed like a good time to get out of town.

With the family. The whole family, yeah.

We are so sorry.

It's okay.

You know, we're sorry, Gigi.

But, you know, maybe we can catch the next one.

Uh-uh! You don't have to catch the next one. You can catch this one.

We changed the date. What?

Yeah, apparently a lot of people

were going out of town that weekend,

so we changed it to this Friday. Bam!

Oh, wow.

Look, honey. The play is this Friday. This Friday.

Wow, that's great!

I know, isn't it?

And I know how much you guys liked it when we did New Jack City.

You are gonna love this.

Oh, Zee? What?

See ya! Wouldn't wanna be ya!

Nino Brown!

Hey, Marilyn.

You're late.

For what?

"For what?" You're the one that wants a job, right?

Yes. Ha!

What do you think? You're just gonna walk outside that door

and a job is gonna follow you home?

I was... Ha!

From this point on, you are on a job interview.

And you already got three things going against you.

What?

You're late, you're dressed inappropriately,

and you're black.

You think white kids don't want this job too?

Can I start over?

Tell you what.

Why don't you go upstairs, change your clothes,

be back down here in five minutes,

and act like you want to work for somebody.

Move it.

Hello! Mom, Dad, somebody. Lindsey?

Man, what are you doing?

I'm stretching my spine, getting rock-hard abs,

and increasing the blood flow to my brain.

Well, how long does that take?

Twenty minutes. Then why are you yelling?

'Cause I've been like this for an hour.

Did your sister see you like this?

What difference does it make? Can I get a little help here, please?

Whoa, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Your head looks swollen. Is it?

It's not swollen.

It's bigger.

So that's it.

I love the fast-paced world of the service industry,

and I'm looking forward to the opportunity to service your customers.

Really?

Yes.

Fine.

So obviously, you speak English.Yes.

Is it your first language? Yes.

Are you a legal citizen?

Yes.

May I ask what I get paid?

You get paid money.

Okay.

Okay, that's it.

Don't you want to know about my strengths and weaknesses?

You allergic to grease? No.

That's a strength.

Can you start right now?

Yes. That's another strength.

Does that mean I have the job?

How do you feel about paper hats?

They're fine.

You're hired.

Oh, my God, thank you so much!

You totally just made my life. You have no idea.

I've been wanting to get these shoes for, like, two weeks

- and now I can finally pay for them. - Thank you!

I'll get your uniform.

So, Nick, what are we going to do about Friday?

We've got to get out of going to this play.

Well, uh,

I hate to tell you this, but I just got my out.

What are you talking about?

See, I was supposed to do my piece with Simba Greenly on Thursday,

but they moved it to Friday.

The same night as Gigi's play.

I can't go.

You're kidding me. You're making me go to this thing by myself?

Babe, can I explain something to you?

Okay, sometimes you just have to

take one for the team.

Are you really gonna stand there and talk to me about taking one for the team?

I really ought to knock you upside your head

...light your stuff on fire

and see how you feel about taking one for the team.

I said I'm sorry. Man!

Man, am I glad I had the blender on.

Thank you.

Welcome to Up-and-Down Burger. How may I help you?

Uh, yeah, I want one breakfast burger with an orange juice, please.

Hey, I know you.

Well, I'd be disappointed if you didn't.

You're that basketball player, Tyrell.

My dad interviewed you and told you, you weren't ready for the NBA.

Oh, Nick Kingston-Persons is your dad?

Yep. Well, Nick Kingston-Persons really messed Tyrell up.

After Nick Kingston-Persons convinced Tyrell

not to enter the draft and make millions of dollars,

Tyrell tore his A.C.L., his M.C.L., and his L.C.L.

And now Tyrell's broke, crippled, and hungry.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Hey, it's Tyrell's fault. Tyrell should've never put so much pressure on Tyrell

to learn how to read.

Do you always do that?

Does Tyrell always do what?

You know, forget it. Would Tyrell like to add

hash browns to Tyrell's order for a dollar more?

Tyrell would, but Tyrell's not really sure Tyrell can.

That'll be $1.99.

One, two, three,

four, five, six, seven...

Eight.Eight.

Good morning.

Mm-mm. Get some grub in you before we get to work. I'm paying.

Oh, no, I'm good. I'm just gonna have my coffee.

Fine, don't.

Gigi, I need to talk to you.

Can I read my magazine?

I'm sorry. Thank you.

You know what? I think I am hungry.

Tell me your story, Zee.

What?

Since you can't keep your mouth closed

long enough for me to read this magazine,

you tell me a story.

Gigi, I'm not gonna tell you a story.

All right, I'll tell you one. This is a magazine, right?

It's 90% garbage, but it amuses me. That's why I read it,

and since I'm trying to read it, but you keep running your mouth,

you amuse me. Tell me a story right now. Go.

Okay, fine. Nick and I...

Pow! Ah, see, it can happen anytime. Anytime, go.

Okay. Uh, well, uh, Nick and I...

Who's Nick? My husband.

Mm-hmm. B.M.W.?

What?

"Black Man Working." Does he have a job? Does he treat you good?

You know he does.

Okay, working and treats you good. Go ahead, go.

Uh, well, it's funny that you mention working, right,

because, um, Nick has this huge opportunity to interview Simba Greenly,

and it just so happens that the interview is at the exact same time

as your play.

So we're going to have to take a rain check.Hm-hmm.

Pow!

Again?

That's it, that's the end of your story?

Yeah.

That's amazing. That you can be out there,

married to a black man working, and best story you can come up with,

is, you're going to stand your friend up on Friday night? You got a purse?

You do got a purse, don't you?

Yes.Okay.

Purse opens up like this. Inside is a wallet.

In that wallet is money. Get some, pay for lunch.

Scene! Alonzo Harris!

Oh! Oh!

Why, what did you think?

Wow. We gotta do that.

Go back out. I'm gonna do that again. Go back out.

Do the same lines you just did. Can you remember?

You sold me out.

What?

I was out of going to that play,

and you told Gigi about my interview,

and she called Simba Greenly's wife, and she made him move it,

because she's in the play too.

Even he was trying to get out of it.

How was I supposed to know

that his wife was in the play too?

If you was gonna say something,

at least just wait till the last minute.

Well, since you left me hanging,

I told Gigi that I wanted to go to the interview with you,

because I'm such a big Simba Greenly fan.

Well, now what?

I don't know.

We could go to the airport and scream, "Bomb."

They would hold us at least until Saturday morning.

Now you've got suggestions.

Have a nice day.

Welcome to Up-and-Down Burger.

How may I... Hey, back already?

Yeah, you still here?

I'm almost off. So what can I get for you this time?

Well, here's 99 cents. Tyrell wants some of them 99-cent fries.

They're actually $1.08.

Then why does it say 99 cents?

That's without tax.

Oh, well, then get Tyrell the ones without tax.

In case you don't remember, Tyrell passed up a contract

worth tens of millions of dollars.

And now Tyrell can't afford extravagances like tax.

You know what? I got you.

Okay, so, 99...

That'll be 99 cents.

It's all right there.

All this for 99 cents?

It's the least I could do after what my dad did.

Yeah, this will totally make up for that tens of millions of dollars Tyrell lost.

Thanks. I'll see you soon.

Tito, number two.

What do you think you're doing? What do you mean?

Lindsey,

there's a lot of things I don't like about this job,

main thing being that I'm in my 30s,

and I've worked here since I was 16.

And in that time, I've seen a lot of things.

And just now on the security camera, I saw you stealing.

Wait, no, I was only trying to help him out because my dad cost him a contract

that was worth tens of millions of dollars.

Then why aren't you stealing from your dad?

I'll pay it back.

You will. I'll take it out of your check.

It won't happen again.

I know it won't. 'Cause you're fired.

Hey, there she is. Did they make you manager yet?

Not exactly. There's a lot of people in front of me.

Oh, well, you just keep working hard, and you'll get there.

I guess.

So, Mom, do you remember your first job?

I sure do. I was a waitress at Krispy Krust Pizza.

You worked at Krispy Krust?

Mm-hmm, for two years. Hated every minute of it.

What did you have to do?

Oh, you know, just bring out pizza, sing "Happy birthday."

Oh, but I was the star of the Krispy Krust review.

Yeah, see, we had to sing My Prerogative,

and everybody thought Bobby Brown could dance. Huh, you should have seen me.

I did all of his moves dressed like a pepperoni. I was dope.

That sounds pretty awesome.

Yeah, until you said, "Dope."

Yeah, Mom, nobody says that.

So, Dad, what was your first job?

Well, I was a stock boy at the grocery store.

Okay, well, I better get going.

Yeah, you don't want to be late your first week.

What's funny?

Glutes. Those are your butt muscles.

"Gluteus Maximus." It sounds like a superhero. That's so cool.

"I am Gluteus Maximus, and I have come to destroy the world with my butt."

Man, I can't believe we have to go to that play.

I can't believe you have to go to that play.

I'm not going.

What?

Yeah, I scheduled a root canal for 6:00 p.m. today.

You don't need a root canal.

I might know that. And you might know that. But she does not know that.

You're just gonna leave me hanging?

Oh, Nick. You know, honey,

sometimes you just gotta take one for the team.

What did you tell Gigi to get out of this?

Huh? What was it? Uh, walking pneumonia?

Strep throat? Car broke down? Funeral?

No. I told her I did not want to go.

See, that's the great thing about not being involved with a woman.

You don't have to do anything for them.

They're powerless against you.

I mean, what's Gigi gonna do? Not not sleep with me?

And it worked?

Yeah, it worked.

Listen, Nicholas, there are three things I will never go to see.

A one-woman show, an all-woman show,

and an all-male revue where the men are dressed as women.

Oh, man, this is going to be the worst night of my life.

Yeah, I'm off.

Where are you going?

You know, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna open up a bottle of champagne,

and I'm gonna raise a toast to not being you.

Hey.Hello.

So did I miss anything?

Oh, your dentist called to confirm your root canal appointment.

Oh, man. I totally forgot about that. When is it again?

It was for 6 o'clock today.

6 O'clock? Mm-hmm.

Today? Oh, no, not today. Today is your play.

I know, and I'm excited.

Wait a minute. You said it "was."

Yeah, I rescheduled it.

Your play? Your root canal.

What? Yeah, I figured you forgot you made the appointment.

And, so I sweet-talked the dentist into letting you reschedule.

And guess what else. What?

He's coming to the play. Yeah!

Isn't that exciting? That's great.

I know.Gigi. Hey.

Yeah?

When did you reschedule my root canal for?

For this afternoon. I mean, it's like, whatever happens,

you were meant to be there.

It sure seems like that, doesn't it?

What happened to you?

Gigi got to my dentist. I had to get my root canal during lunch.

And you went?

I had no choice. She drove.

Baby, you got some drool coming down.

Where? Right...

Hey, come on. It's not funny, Nick.

Well, yes, it is.

Mom, Dad, come look!

A crazed gunman took over the Up-and-Down Burger where Lindsey works!

We're here live outside of the Up-and-Down Burger

where Lindsey works. The scene is one of pandemonium.

At 2:00 p.m. this afternoon, a man who was apparently tired of getting the wrong order

burst in and demanded three orders of fries,

a bacon double cheeseburger combo, seven vanilla shakes,

and an apple turnover, all things, he's claiming, were missing from orders

he placed at the drive-through.

Oh, my god, Lindsey.

I just called her cell phone. It's going to voice mail.

Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.

Oh, my God, Lindsey, honey. Are you all right?

Oh, my God, are you all right?

Oh, don't worry about me. I'm fine. Honey, are you okay?

Of course, I'm okay.

What happened? How did you get out?

I got off at four.

What? Did you see the gunman?

Gunman? What?

Kevin, turn the TV off for a second, please.

Okay, let's have a seat.

Let's start at the beginning. What time did you go to work today?

I was there from 9:00 to 4:00.

Did anything unusual happen?

Nope, sold some burgers. That's about it.

What about at 2 o'clock?

Took a break.

Lindsey, I need you to think really carefully

about the next words that come out of your mouth,

because if they're not the truth,

then you and me are gonna have a serious problem.

Do you understand?

Yes.

Did you go to work today?

No, I got fired.

What? When?

Yesterday.

During your first week? What did you do?

I got caught giving away food.

You know that's stealing, right?

Yeah, I guess I didn't think of it that way.

So what were you gonna do, just leave the house every day for the summer,

pretending to go to work?

Paying for stuff with pretend money?

I don't know.

Okay, Lindsey, go upstairs to your room,

and I'll be up in a minute to deal with this. Go on.

I wish she was taken hostage. What?

We were this close to getting out of that play.

Kev, what's wrong?

My glutes!

You shot me in the butt! Jake! Where you going, Jake?

- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. - You're gonna walk away, huh?

You better walk away. How did you get roped into this?

I met this girl.

Turns out the only things she likes

are one-woman shows, all-women shows,

and all-male revues with men dressed as women.

I'm the police! I run it here!

You just live here!

Yeah, walk away. Go ahead, walk away.

'Cause I'm about to burn this mother down!

King Kong ain't got nothing on me!

Bravo! Bravo!

Thank you.