Original subtitles

Okay, watch your step.

Okay, what's going on?

Right over here.Okay.

There we go. It's a surprise.

Now look, just relax and enjoy.

Okay. Right here. A little bit more,

a little bit more. Okay, sit on down.Okay.

There you go.

Surprise!

Wow! Okay, what is all this?

We're celebrating your promotion!

That's right, Mrs. Senior Event Producer. Pow!

Aw.Congratulations, Mom.

Aw, thank you.Congratulations.

You know, Suzanne, this celebration is about you,

but it's a little about me too, because now,

I'm the assistant to the Senior Event Producer.

Pow! Read it, people.

Can I get a "Wha, wha?"

Can I get a "You through?" Okay.

Okay, and we have gifts too. Okay, here's mine.

You mean ours.

I made it. I mean, you were too busy tweeting.

"OMG, I have a big head. LOL, I comb my hair."

Okay, okay.

It's a calendar, you guys.

I love it.

Well, I got you a present too, honey.

And, um, this bow, I tied it myself.

Aw, well, it's beautiful.

Oh, honey.

"Suzanne Kingston-Persons, Senior Event Producer."

Aw, that's nice. GIGI: Wow, Nick. Nice.

I love it, thank you.

And believe it or not, even I got you something.

It's from J. Nathan. Go ahead, open it. What?

Marilyn, really?

Yeah. Yes, girl. She made this?

I know you love that store.

Wow!

So you like it?

Do I like it?

What kind of question is that? "Do I like it?"

Marilyn, I have seen bracelets and I have seen bracelets, but this bracelet?

Woo! This is a bracelet.

Aw!

Wow!

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Quit pushing me. What is wrong with you?

How you gonna give Suzanne a present I gave you?

You gave me that bracelet?

You think I wouldn't remember my own gift?

I didn't.

I... I'm sorry, okay? What do you want me to do?

I can't go back in there and take it from her.

Well, why would you give it to her in the first place?

Oh, you really wanna know? Fine, here you go.

It's tacky.

Tacky? That present was expensive.

Baby, just because something costs a lot does not mean it's not tacky.

Look at Lil Wayne's teeth.

Well, if it's so tacky, why did you give it to Suzanne? Hm?

You do realize there's no good answer for that question, don't you?

Well, it's the ugliest bracelet that I've ever seen.

What are you talking about? I like it. You don't?

Nick, it is so horrible that wearing it

is going to be one of the tortures in the new Sawmovie.

Can you do that somewhere else?

Like where? My other house?

My mother got you a present, all right, from J. Nathan,

and all you can do is talk about, "Ew, I don't like it"?

You know what, Nick? It doesn't matter if she spent a lot of money or not, okay?

What matters is that she doesn't know or care anything about me,

because if she did, she wouldn't have given me something this ugly.

It's a gift. It's supposed to be the thought that counts.

What if the thought is, "I can't stand you, and here is the proof"?

It's not like that, Suzanne.

Oh, yeah? Well, does your Indian dream catcher know that?

All right.

Real mature, Suzanne.

Oh, that's real mature. Thank you.

Who's Pippa Johnson?

Give me that.

Whatever you say, Pippa. It's a fake ID, okay?

Whoa, good girl gone bad.

Shut up, it's for a concert on Friday, at an 18 and over club.

Make that bad girl gone worse.

It has nothing to do with you, so stay out of it.

Oh, I think it has everything to do with me.

Okay? If you get detained by the police trying to sneak into the club

with that piece of crap ID,

I have to listen to Mom and Dad go on for hours

about how stupid you are and how I shouldn't do what you do.

So let me help you and me.

Okay? I can make an ID 10 times better than that.

What's wrong with this ID?

Let me see.

You're not blonde, you don't have green eyes

and, uh, Pippa Johnson weighs 130 pounds.

So? Your head weighs 140.

Just have it done by tomorrow night.

All right.

Pippa Johnson? Really?

Just get to work. You kill me.

You're not really gonna keep that bracelet?

Well, Gigi.

Is it really that bad?

If you were standing next to Japan during the earthquake

and you were wearing that bracelet,

the news would have been wondering what happened to you.

You were there, okay? Marilyn gave it to me.

Uh-huh. I'm gonna have to

wear it, at some point.

No, you don't.

She gave it to you which means it's yours,

so you can do what you want with it.

Like, get something you like.

And what am I gonna tell her?

You don't have to tell her anything.

I mean... Okay, think of it like

a new pair of shoes that don't fit.

You can't be walking around with hurt feet.

Would she want to see you in pain?

Possibly.Okay.

The point is, it doesn't work for you so get rid of it.

You did it with a husband.

You could do it with a bracelet.

Uh-uh.

How much longer? Shh.

You can't rush an artist, okay?

Did they rush Van Gogh when he painted Starry Night?

Did they rush Soulja Boy when he wrote Pretty Boy Swag? No!

And in case you wanted to know, I'm done.

Where did you get all this stuff anyway?

Ever heard of plausible deniability?

Yeah, that's where you can't tell somebody something you don't know,

so you can't be to blame.

Exactly. So quit asking questions.

Wow.

You know, I'd never suggest a life of crime to somebody,

but that might just be your thing.

Do you think you can make me one?

Make you one what?

Ah, plausible deniability.

Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about,

but if I did, I'd say it would cost you 50 bucks

and it'd be ready in a couple of hours.

How about you make it 40 bucks,

and I'll throw some more customers your way?

Hm? Yeah, still don't know what you're talking about,

but if I did, I'd say sure.

Okay, stand over there.

It's a fake ID, not America's Next Top Model.

Stand in front of the sheet and be still.

Bye.

Bye!

Oh, honey. I'm not ready for y'all. Not ready.

What? Why not? Whoo!

What did I do?

Now, I'm ready.

Look at you.

Honey, they need to rename y'all "Team take that."

You know what I mean by that? You knocking 'em out.

Pow, you let 'em have it.

Woo!

That's what I'm talking about.

You walk down the street, the sidewalks light up.

Like Michael Jackson or something.

Looking good, girl. How can I help you?

Oh, well...

we would like to return this.

Okay, let us see. All right. Let's see what... Ooh, honey.

Mm-hmm. Ooh, honey,

I see that's not you right there.

No, it's not. It was a gift.

A gift... A gift from who? Who picked this out, Stevie Wonder?

Actually, no. It was my mother-in-law.

Mm-hmm. From your mother-in-law?

Honey, she must not like you.

Ooh, how you know?

I can feel it... That. That tells it all.

But, you know, I apologize, 'cause, you know, this is from our one-of-a-kind collection.

Oh.Honey, you know, when they make

only one of something, it could be good and work for you...

That's right. Or it could be bad and not work for you.

Right. You know, just like they only made

one Mariah Carey movie.

Wait, hold... You know, 'cause I love Mariah Carey,

and she was in a lot of movies.

Well, being in a movie and starring in a movie is two totally separate things.

Don't ever forget that, girl.Hmm.

Well, I hope that I can exchange it, it won't be a problem,

because, um, I don't have a receipt.

Oh, honey, you don't need a receipt. I know it's mine.

I take full responsibility for this piece right here.

Let me... Let me just check.

What did you say your mother-in-law's name was?

Uh, Marilyn Persons.

Okay, Marilyn Persons.

Okay, bless her spirit.

No, honey, that's Nick Kingston-Persons purchased this.

That's what this say. BOTH: What?

Honey, Nick Kingston-Persons.

Yeah, that's my... that's my husband.

Oh, honey, well, you know, a lot of time, when the guys come in here,

they just pick out something, just point, "Give me this, give me that,"

and I just get 'em out of here. 'Cause, honey, they don't want to be in here, honey.

You know men don't like to go to the mall.

They just try to grab something and run because they want to do basketball, football,

all that kind of stuff. So, yeah, this is one of a kind.

It's kind of like La Toya Jackson. They have all the elements,

but it didn't quite work out.

Okay, but you are completely positive

that Nick Kingston-Persons bought this and not Marilyn Persons?

Honey, I can read. Baby, I took the GED.

back in the day when it was hard.

This is Nick Kingston-Persons,

and you're watching KAWT.

you're number-one place for the latest in...

Why didn't you tell me that you bought that bracelet and not your mother?

All right.

But, baby, it's not what you think.

You know, Nick. It's not even that she couldn't bother

to pick out a present for me herself.

You know, she didn't even have to get my anything, that's fine.

But you don't get somebody to go get something ugly.

Okay, did she even know what was in that box?

Yeah, she knew.

Well, you know what? If I didn't know that you mother hated me before, I know it now.

Come on, Suzanne.

This bracelet is not that ugly.

Oh, but it is that ugly.

Have you seen Alien?

Yeah, see? It's like, you remember when the alien opened its mouth

and the little baby alien stuck its head out?

Well, if another littler alien had come out of that little alien

and it was wearing that bracelet, it would have been that much scarier.

All right, all right, I get it. You don't like it, fine.

Fine. And the next time your mother asks you to buy something for me,

can you tell her to get it herself?

Whoa, look... You know what?

She didn't tell me to get it for you, all right?

I bought it for her, for her birthday.

Wait, she regifted it?

And you knew about this?

I found out when you found out.

No, no, no, no, no, no, see, I just found out right now,

but you knew when you saw it.

Mm-hmm. So the two of you were in cahoots.

We were not in "cahoots."

Oh, yes, you were, because if I didn't try to return the bracelet,

you weren't gonna tell me.

Oh, it's not a conspiracy.

She didn't have to get you anything.

Oh, huh, well, you know what, Nick?

It figures that you would take her side.

You know, really. But it's all good.

You and your mama, you keep your little secrets,

and keep your funky little bracelet too.

Oh, come on, baby. Oh, that's real mature.

Wow.

Sales here time all the time. Everything in here is beautiful.

Everything.

So you bought that for you mom?

And she gave it to Suzanne.

Ah, see, regifting, its dangerous ground, man.

Rule number one is, never regift in the same social circle.

You give something to somebody, and then you get it back.

It's like pink eye.

What do you think I should get?

I don't know what to tell you.

But you buy gifts for women all the time.

Yeah, single women.

What's the difference?

See, single women only care about how much you spend.

Well, I spent a lot of money on this.

Oh, my God. Close that. Ugh.

You spent money on that? Yeah.

Did it come with a map of Middle-earth?

Come on.

No, thank you. Tootles.

You have a nice day.

What up, dogs? What's goin' on?

Um...

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah. What's up?

Weren't you just gay a minute ago?

What's that supposed to mean?

Because you were talking to that other customer,

and you kind of sounded like that gospel dude on American Idol.

Oh!

Now we got somebody in here that's gay-friendly.

That's what I'm talking about.

Rainbow coalition. Power to the people.

Uh... Can't get no love?

There you go. That what I'm talkin' about.

What's with the flip-flop?

All right, listen. Hey, research show

that guys like yourself are more comfortable buying merchandise

from like, a guy's guy. You feel me dog?

Yeah, yeah. Look, I'm not trying to get in your business,

but uh, which one is it?

Honey, I'm like Prince.

It's a controversy.

Okay, whatever. Uh, look, I'm just trying to exchange this.

Okay.

Let's see what you have.

Oh, Nick Kingston dude. What's up? Nick Kingston-Persons, right?

You know me?

I know this bracelet.

Whoa, wait a minute.

I remember you. You're the guy that sold me this,

but... but, you used to have orange hair.

Honey blond. Make no mistake.

H-O-N-E-Y blond.

Honey blond.

And if I would have known this would have been coming in and out of here,

I would have sold you something else. This has definitely been a problem.

Yeah, well, see, my wife...

Hey, hey, bruh, bruh. I don't want to hear all that, man.

Don't go through that stuff, man.

Man to man, player to player.

I'm gonna pit bull, player, if it's on everything.

All right, dog? Just get something else for your wife, man.

Well, it's for my mother.

Oh, hallelujah.

For your mother? That is so sweet. 'Cause, you know,

oh, my god, she is going to be so happy.

Plenty of merchandise in here.

All right, what about this thing right here? Hey.

Oh, just came back. Don't get that one.

Please don't get that one. Don't do it. Trust me on everything

On everything you do.

Ooh, hey, babe.

Hey.

Looks like you're cooking for a small army. We having company?

Um, as a matter of fact, we are.

Your mother's here. We're going to have dinner,

and then I'm going to ask her why she regifted me.

What?

Seriously, Suzanne.

You should just drop it.

In fact, I demand that you drop it.

That's an order.

Excuse me?

Well, it's not an "order" order.

It's kind of like a request. Please?

No, Nick. I will not drop it.

Suzanne, don't.

Too late.

So, y'all about to have a fight?

Tell me what happened.

No, Marilyn. We are not about to fight.

But something did happen.

Really? What?

You regifted me, that's what.

You snitched?

Marilyn, this is not about Nick.

It is to me.

How could you give me something that he gave you?

You weren't supposed to know.

I didn't snitch.

I took the bracelet back to the store because I hated it so much,

and that's when I found out that Nick bought it and not you.

Well, how tacky are you?

Not tackier than that bracelet.

That bracelet was not tacky. It was one of a kind.

Damn right, they wouldn't have made two of 'em.

Don't try to turn this around, Marilyn.

Explain yourself.

If you want an explanation, talk to Captain Blabbermouth over here.

I did not snitch.

At least not till after she found out.

So you did snitch.

Stop calling my husband a snitch.

I don't believe you. I can't believe her.

And I can't believe you.

You know, you both ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

You know what? Y'all want to fight? Fight. But I'm done.

Well, you know what?

I'm done, too. I am out of here.

I thought I was invited over here for dinner, not an ambush.

Fine, you wanna leave. Go, leave.

I'd give you the finger, but I know you would just give it back!

All right.

Now we need to straighten this out once and for all.

Fine.Fine.

Mom, I gave you a gift, and you should not have regifted it.

Suzanne, you should have appreciated that gift and not taken it back.

I'm sorry.

Marilyn, I'm sorry. I should not have returned the bracelet.

And I wasn't trying to insult you.

I actually thought you might like it.

I mean, I see young, pretty women, like you,

wearing that kind of stuff all the time.

I thought you could get away with it.

Well, I mean, it was pretty bad.

Horrible.

You should have kept it. If you ever got trapped in a mine,

you could have used it to signal for help.

It was so bright, the Blind Boys of Alabama could see it.

And that thing was so loud, if you took it to a Patti LaBelle concert,

she'd tell you to turn it down.

Hey...

I'm glad you two are enjoying a laugh at my expense.

All right, you through?

I guess so.Okay.

So, Marilyn, are we good?

We're good.

You wanna hug it out?

No.

And just for the record, before I was summoned,

I was going to come over and apologize to you

and give you this.

Oh, Marilyn. You didn't have to get me anything.

No, I think I did. Open it. It's from J. Nathan.

Oh. Oh, Marilyn, this is beautiful.

Oh, my two favorite women in the world are on good terms.

All right, well, you know, aren't you guys going to apologize to me

for saying my bracelet was ugly?

You know, you hurt my feelings. Let's all get in this thing, now.

Okay.

We're sorry. Thank you.

That you bracelet was really ugly.

It was, baby. You know it was.

Oh.

You know, Mom, that was really nice of you to get Suzanne a gift.

Well, I'm just glad she liked it.

And for the record, I still think she was wrong for taking it back,

but, hey, I'm moving on to keep the peace in your marriage.

You do realize that by saying that, you're not moving on.

All right, hey, I got you something.

For me? Happy belated birthday.

Oh. Oh, baby, you shouldn't have.

And here's the receipt. Oh, thank you, baby.

I love it.

I'll get it.

Excuse me.

Mr. Kingston-Persons, may we come in?

Sure.

Uh, what's this all about?

Yes, do you know that your son and daughter

have been going around the neighborhood selling fake IDs?

What?

And they've been charging $50.

It wasn't me it was Kevin.

Kevin!

Yeah, Mom?

This lady says that you've been going around the neighborhood

selling fake IDs and charging $50.

I don't know what you're talking about.

but if I did, I'd say "What's that?"