Original subtitles

Ooh, this looks good, honey.

Thank you. Tonight's meal is a mango-rubbed mahimahi

drizzled with a chili aioli sauce

with bok choy and quinoa on the side.

Quin-what?

Quinoa.

It's a recipe I saw on TV.

Did they eat it on TV?

Kevin, stop. Your mother made you a meal.

The least you can do is taste it.

Okay.

Mmm.

So, what do you guys think?

Nick?

It's good.

Then why are you putting enough salt on it to melt a snowdrift?

It's not that much.

What kind of sauce is this again?

If you don't want to eat it, you don't have to eat it.

Cool. I'm making a hot dog. LINDSEY: Same.

Don't let that bother you.

Why shouldn't I?

I've spent days planning this meal,

and they ran out on it like it was Charlie Sheen in Detroit.

Well, do you like it, honey?

Mmm-hmm. It's good.

I ought to let you choke.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

You're late.

True. But,

I got you a cinnamon bun.

Well, that's not going to work today, because Nick made breakfast this morning.

Oh, that's sweet.

I mean, he's such a good man.

And how is that?

The man makes one meal, and he's king of the world?

I cook every day.

I was just thinking,

maybe the kids enjoyed having something different.

No, what they enjoy

is eating the same thing all the time.

Last night, I tried to make something different.

I made a mango-rubbed mahimahi with chili aioli,

and bok choy and quinoa on the side.

You tried to feed that to your kids?

You think all I like is chicken, fish and spaghetti?

Yes. Well, I don't.

I would love to have wonderful, exciting meals,

but I don't have the time,

because I have to get the food on the table by 7:00.

See, Suzanne? That's your problem right there.

When you cook, it should be to enjoy the food,

not, "Get it on the table by 7:00."

But the people are hungry at 7:00.

Oh, I don't know what to tell you. Just go to a cooking class.

If I don't have time to cook,

when do I have time to go to a cooking class?

You know what?

I'm gonna take my cinnamon bun,

come back in here. We gonna pretend this never happened.

You said that was for me.

I lied.

The square root of 64...

Oh, that would be 8, nephew.

What are they teaching y'all in school?

Square roots. What are you doing here?

Oh, I just came to do my laundry.

I didn't feel like paying for it.

Hi, Uncle Terrence.Hey.

Here's your fabric softener. Hey, yeah, thank you.

Ah, you got the one with the teddy bear on it.

I like this one.

Can I ask you a question?

That's up to you.

Do you have a girlfriend?

Why you want to know? Just answer the question.

What if I don't? Do you?

Maybe. Forget it.

Okay, okay, dang.

No.Whoa, whoa, whoa, Uncle Terrence.

You've been in prison, beaten and tortured,

and you never gave anything up,

and you just got broke down by a teenage girl?

Man, that's what teenage girls do, all right?

Now, look, I don't have time to see nobody.

You ever see that show 24?Yeah.

Well, that's me, but ten times busier.

So, why y'all want to know unc-unc love life?

Well, I always hear women talking about

how there's no good guys out there,

and you're a good guy,

so I figure you should let them know you're out there.

Have you ever heard of dopesoulmate.com?

Yeah. We should sign you up.

You know, I got a partner who just got married to a girl off that site.

He's supposed to actually meet her in person next month.

Name? Terrence.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Do not put my real name there, girl.

All right? Now you put in, uh, Mr. Beach.

Mr. Beach?

What you got against the beach?

Okay, I need your birth date, height and interests.

No, you don't.Yes, I am.

Skip all that, all right?

Go down to the bottom and just fill in that one.

Okay. Your favorite movie?

Yeah. Sister Act.

What's Sister Act?

With Whoopi Goldberg.

From The View?

Yes.

Look, Whoopi was the biggest movie star around in the '80s, all right?

So, don't give me that, all right?

Y'all can have Madea. Give me Whoopi.

Ooh.

Hey, honey. Just in time.

Dinner is served.

You're in my kitchen again.

What are you trying to prove?

I'm trying to prove that cooking is not that hard.

Here, watch this. Watch this.

Ooh.

Lasagna. Bam!

Mmm, fresh.

Yes, hold that thought.

Mmm.

Bam!

That came from a box.

You took this out of the freezer,

turned the oven to 425,

put it in there for 45 minutes while you watched TV.

That's not cooking.

That's warming something up.

There's no difference between making that and making toast.

You see, Nick, I make meals

from scratch

with ingredients

that come from all over the city.

So?

So? You have no idea what it's like to make a meal,

let alone a different one every day.

You know what?

This Saturday,

I'm cooking

a meal

from scratch

with ingredients

from all over the city.

Good. I hope somebody wants to eat it.

...on a medium flame.

Now, after you remove the skin of the chicken...

Hello.Hey.

So, you got that chef's name for me?

Yep. You're going to take a cooking class?

Well, I need some help.

Look, I told her I can cook,

and this weekend, I'm making a meal.

I've been watchin' cooking shows and online for recipes.

This stuff is like rocket science.

I need to prove to her

that I can make a meal that will blow her food out of the water.

Ah,

I see you have the passion to destroy what you love.

I'm so proud.

So, who is this woman?

Only the best cook I know.

Trust me, if she can't help you,

you cannot be helped.

So, you took her class? I did.

See, there's two things I know that women love,

food and shoes.

And whipping up a molten chocolate cake

is a whole lot cheaper than buying a pair of Jimmy Choos.

Is there anything you do in your spare time that's not intended to get women?

No.

Hey, Uncle Terrence, look. You have, like, almost 100 flirts.

Flirts? What's that?

That means all these women have looked at your profile and are interested.

Mmm-hmm. Ooh, she's cute.

Eh, I don't know.

She got too many issues.

Plus, she's got bad teeth.

How can you tell just by her picture?

Simple.

Her head is cocked to the side,

which is a sign of contempt, all right?

Her arms are folded,

which is a clear indication of resistance.

Now, look, she's smiling, but her lips are pressed together.

That means she's got a wretched mouth

and she don't want nobody to see it.

Okay, what about her?

She didn't even put her name up. It just says "Lady T."

It says her favorite actress is Whoopi Goldberg.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? Whoopi?

Ooh, I love the way you measure.

I mean, you just go with your instincts,

a risk-taker.

Ma?

Mom? Yeah, that's my mother.

Um, um, I got to go do a... I got to go do a thing.

Yeah, you do that.

Blocker.

Boy, the next time you see me standing next to a man

and you come up here and call me "Mom,"

me and you gonna have a problem.

Hello, Chef Connie.

Oh, my God, Gigi. GIGI: Hi.

Oh, how have you been? I'm good.

So, I brought my friend Suzanne.

Hi.Hi, Suzanne. Nice to meet you.

You coming to brush up on those skills?

Actually, I'm here to spice up my weekday routine.

Well, you picked the perfect class. Today, we're working on the fab five in 45.

It's five dishes that the family will love that you can whip up in 45 minutes.

Ooh, I like that. Okay, you two have fun.

Okay. So, you're not staying?

Come on, now, you know I don't have any kids,

and you know I don't have any pots and pans,

and I'm hungry now. Okay, bye!

Bye.Bye.

That girl is crazy. I know.

Nick?

Is every woman I know here?

Oh, my God. Nick Kingston-Persons.

My husband watches you.Hi.

What are you doing here?

You'd think a celebrity like you would have a wife who could cook.

Uh... I can cook. He's the one who can't.

My breakfast is legendary.

And if by legendary, you mean toasted, then, yeah, mmm-hmm.

This is my wife, Suzanne.

Yeah, we just met, and I don't know what's going on here,

but I'll tell you what, I'm staying out of the middle of it.

Thank you.

What are you thanking her for? You should be asking her, "Where's the hot sauce?"

You know, you are lucky you are so cute,

because you are evil!

For real, look at the horns popping up out of... Okay, let's cook.

Did you hear what she said?

My fish had just the right balance of salt and sweet,

and my side dishes were perfect.

Yeah, well, Nick, of course

she liked your dishes, because she darn near made it herself.

Chef Connie, how do I slice this?

Chef Connie, do you think I spread this too thin?

Chef Connie, how many ounces in a cup?

You know what? Make fun. But you know and I know,

you mad because I'm right.

Cooking is not that hard.

If I had to cook, I could do it.

Shoot, I might be able to do it better than you.

Excuse me, but is that a challenge?

Wait for the echo.

Challenge! Challenge! Challenge.

Oh, yeah, that's a challenge.

Boy, I could cook better than you

blindfolded with one arm chopped off

with nothing to serve but biscuits and Spam.

You want to put something on it?

As a matter of fact, I do.

Saturday, we both cook.

Whoever makes the best meal cooks the rest of the week.

Wait a minute. Shouldn't whoever wins get the week off?

No, no, no, see, the loser, which will be you,

they have to do the shopping,

and clean the kitchen,

and rub the cook's feet when she's done.

You want to practice?

No.

Okay, so here are the rules,

you have to make an appetizer,

a salad, an entree and a dessert.

So, what are your team names?

Kevin and I are Team Nevin.

Lindsey and I are Team Two.

Team Two? What?

How you gonna make dinner if you can't even make up a name?

Team Two.

All right, all right, you have 45 minutes to create something spectacular.

Are you ready? NICK: Mmm-hmm.

Now... go!

Watch out, watch out. A da-da-da that's mine. That's mine.

No, no, no, I need that.

I need that! Kev, get the secret ingredient.

Out the fridge, man!

Look, guys, if we're going to make it in time to judge this cooking contest,

we should probably get going.

If I had known signing up Nick for a cooking class

was going to turn us into culinary crash test dummies,

I never would have bothered.

I'll get it.

Uh... can I help you?

Yeah, I'm looking for Mr. Beach.

Who?

Excuse me, Mama Nick. I got this. Oh, oh.

Come on in.

Mmm-hmm.

So, you must be T.

What makes you say that? Who are you?

Who do you think I am?

Who do you think I think you are?

I think you think I'm a guy that likes movies.

Could be.

What kind of movies do you think I think you like?

I think you think I like Whoopi Goldberg movies.

You don't look like a man that like Whoopi Goldberg movies.

Well, you don't look like a woman that would like a man

that like Whoopi Goldberg movies.

Maybe I do.

Okay, for God's sake, how long y'all gonna do this?

I have had relationships shorter than this.

I mean, this is supposed to be a first date, not "The Bourne Flirtation."

Okay, okay.

My sister's having a get-together. You're welcome to come.

We gonna have vittles around 2100 hours.

Yeah, that's cool.

I like food.

That Whoopi Goldberg thing was just code, right? You don't actually like those movies.

Come on, man. What?

Sister Act? Sister Act 2?

Eddie? Burglar?

The Associate?

Come on, can't nobody hate on The Lion King.

You got to love the way she say,

"Mufasa."

Yeah. But you know what? The only one I don't like

is Jumpin' Jack Flash... Oh, it's Clara's Heart.

You liked that one?

All right, meet you in the car.

Lead me.

Oh, I see you did your laundry, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I like that fabric softener.

Yeah, I use the one with the...

Teddy bear.

Okay, so the meals are all prepared.

Our judges are here. You guys ready?

Hey, what kind of crazy meal is this?

Well, we actually made a lobster spinach...

Who are you?

Look, you want to ask questions, or do you want us to eat this mess?

All right, Team Two, what did you make?

Well, we begin with a lobster spinach salad,

followed by seared scallops served on a bed of sun choke puree

with a pomegranate reduction,

and our entree is a blackened cajun catfish

with a mango chutney.

Is chutney another word for gross?

And for dessert, lemon torte.

Mmm.

Great. Okay, Team Nevin, what about you?

Team Nevin will begin

with a Caesar salad with fresh anchovy and bacon,

followed by an appetizer of bacon roll-ups

and finishing with a main course

of baked chicken with a maple bacon glaze.

What'd you do, replace hot sauce with bacon?

Don't hate.

And for dessert?

Mizz-olten chizz-ocolate cizz-ake.

You made molten chocolate cake?

No, no, baby, you didn't hear me. Listen, listen.

I made mizz-olten chizz-ocolate cizz-ake.

It's my own special recipe.

What, does it have bacon in it?

All right, let's just do this.

Mmm.

Hey!

See how the molten is all over the cizz-ake?

Mmm.

Oh, my God,

this is incredible.

You made this?

I did.

You lying.

Did she really cook this?

If she's lying, I'm Paula Deen.

In our line of work,

you're taught not to believe what you see.

Yeah, she could be lying,

and you could be Paula Deen.

Well, I still like my baby's cooking the best.

Well, I like my baby sister cooking the best.

Matter of fact, it's starting to give me the itis.

You didn't even touch ours.

Man, that's pork.

Don't you know forks that touch swine will never touch mine?

How are we supposed to know that?

You not.

Well, Suzanne, as much as I would like to say your dishes were amazing,

I have to go with Team Nevin. MARTIN: Ooh.

'Cause you know I love me some bacon.

As we all know, men love things that come in strips,

drag strips, Vegas strips, strip poles,

and, of course, strips of bacon.

But I'm going to have to go with Team Two, dude.

What? I'm sorry.

What?

Hey, Dad, I'm sorry,

but I got to go with Mom.

Mom, that scallop thing was amazing.

Mom, it was a close one, but, overall,

I have to go with Dad.

That chocolate cake was amazing.

Chizz-ocolate cizz-ake.

You forgot to say "mizz-olten."

All right, it looks like we have a tie.

Well, we need a tiebreaker.

Why don't you try?

Oh, no, I didn't come here to judge.

Oh, come on, just taste it.

All you got to do is just taste all these.

All right, all right, I'll do it on one condition...

What? I was never here.

Okay, so you've tried everything else.

Now, it's down to the desserts.

It's the lemon torte versus the chocolate cake.

Cizz-ake.

Just... cake.

No, cizz-ake. SUZANNE: Nick. Be quiet! Shh!

Look at your face.

Look at her face, man. Look, look, look.

I can tell by the look on your face,

I know what you're going to say. Look at this. I can see it!

No, you can't.

There are 36 facial muscles used to make expressions,

and the combination of those expressions in conjunction with body language

and other factors that cannot be ascertained,

such as breathing and heart rates,

are the only things likely to give a clear indication on any person's intent.

Teach. So, oft times, what a person looks like

is not necessarily what a person feels like.

There are trained professionals who cannot tell

what I'm thinking by the look on my face,

so I know you can't.

I'ma go with the lemon torte.

Whoo! Oh, man. What?

You see, I know what you're thinking.Mmm-hmm.

Uh, uh, uh, uh!

Hey, how'd it go?

I hate the grocery store.

You know, I actually got in a fight with a woman over an onion.

Was it a big red one? Oh, yeah, they can be vicious over those.

Don't get me started on the checkout line.

It is the 21st century.

You know, there are a variety of convenient ways to pay for your groceries.

Why did this woman pull out a checkbook?

An old checkbook.

And then she had to reach into her purse

and get my pen,

and then my carbon paper.

Wait, wait, wait, what?

I didn't know they still made carbon paper.

Well, they do, and if you want some, go to checkout line seven.

She might still be there.

Mmm-hmm. Well, see, that, all of that,

is part of cooking. Okay, okay.

So, what are you making tonight?

Um, well, I think you guys are going to like this.

I'm going to have some wild salmon with a pecan glaze,

and then sweet potato fries on the side.

Oh, and for dessert... Mmm-hmm?

Wait for it.

Bam!

Vizz-inilla izz-ce crizz-eam.

Aw, that's my bizz-aby.

You know, Hmm.

what's up with Terrence and that girl?

I mean, they seemed like they really liked each other.

Oh, you know, I don't know.

Maybe I should call him and see if they want to come to dinner.

Mmm. What kind of cake is that?

What kind of cake you think it is?

What kind of cake you think I think it is?

I think you think it's chocolate cake.

I think you might be right.

It's not.

It's dark vanilla.

Oh! Mmm-mmm.

See, that's what I like about you.

Now, I've been thinking.

A guy like myself been running around way too long...

Mr. Beach, don't say it. Please.

Why not? This is how I feel.

But I don't think it's going to work out between us.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Well, I guess I better go.

But wait.

You never even told me your name.

I would love to,

but then I'd have to kill you.

Watch out.

Oh!

Not the "watch out" trick. That's mine.