Original subtitles

Hey, guys.

- Mmm. Oh. - Mm-hmm.

That smells delicious.

I have had a craving for a number nine for, like, weeks.

Well, I got a double down with cheese.

I got a double up with a milkshake.

Hey, baby. I got your favorite, a double down combo!

Gross.

Gross? Since when?

Since now.

I don't eat meat anymore. I'm a vegan.

I told y'all there was something wrong with this girl.

So,

- You're a vegan, huh? - Yep.

- What's his name? - Who?

The boy you're doing this for.

I'm not doing this for some boy.

- Mm-hmm. - I'm not.

My friend Tracy, is a vegan

and was telling me all about the health benefits of not eating meat.

I want to start living a healthier lifestyle. What's wrong with that?

It sounds like you're really serious about this.

Yeah, I kind of am.

As serious as a paper cut.

Is it bad that I hope that he chokes on that burger?

Yes.

Well, good luck with that.

So are you guys going to support me?

Of course, we will.

I just said, "good luck."

- Thanks, Mom. - You're welcome.

We can be vegans together. What?

That is what you meant, right? You're going to be vegan, too.

Uh...

Okay. Yeah, sure. Why not? I'll start tomorrow.

- Wait! - What?

Did you guys know that your all-beef burger

is about 15% ammonia-soaked filler

from discarded carcasses?

No. I didn't know that.

They usually use it for pet food.

They what?

And did you guys know, a lot of farmers mix questionable waste product

into their cow feed to cut costs?

What do you mean by "questionable"?

I've got a question. Can you pass the ketchup?

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Hey, good morning, baby.

Good morning, sweetheart.

Whoo. After last night, I am starving.

What is on the menu?

Well, I'll tell you.

To support our new meat-free lifestyle,

we are having eggs and pancakes.

Can we hurry up and eat it before Lindsey gets down here

and tells us what's in the food?

Okay, okay. Honey, listen.

I was thinking, we're always telling the kids

to be proactive and do what's right.

I believe it's important that Lindsey has the support of both of us on this.

Come on, baby. Look at me. All right?

Do I look like vegan material to you?

I mean, look at this, huh?

That's meat right there.

- Hey, Mom, Dad. - Hey.

Can you take some candy bars to work?

We're selling them at school.

- Again? - Yes.

But this time, whoever sells the most, gets the new iPad.

Kev, no.

What? How come?

Why is it that every time you have to sell candy bars,

we have to sell candy bars?

I don't get a new iPad.

How am I supposed to sell them?

Well, Kevin, you can go around the neighborhood,

knock on doors, and ask people if they want to buy them.

But you're the one who said I couldn't do that

because I might get kidnapped.

You were younger then.

So what, now there's a cutoff age for kidnappers?

Look, I just think you need to put a little more effort

into selling your own candy.

Can you guys at least tell your friends about them?

Sure.

Hey, have you ever thought about selling them online?

How am I supposed to do that?

I'll tell you what,

I'll help you set it up later.

- Cool. - All right.

- Morning, Mommy. - Good morning.

Look what I made, a vegetarian breakfast

of eggs and pancakes.

I'm not a vegetarian, Mom. I'm a vegan.

I can't eat any of that.

Why not?

Vegans don't eat anything with a face

or anything that comes from anything with a face.

So, technically, they can eat you.

Your mother got up early to make all this food.

You just can't eat a little bit?

No.

It's got eggs and milk and cheese,

and they're all going to be staring at me saying,

"Why are you eating me?"

If you guys want to eat it, go ahead,

but I can't live with the sound

of dead baby chickens in my head.

Oh! Dead baby chickens.

Great.

Well, I would think dead baby chickens couldn't make a sound.

Okay, so no chicken.

Oh, and for the record,

dairy products are almost worse than the meat.

I'm talking salmonella or E. coli.

At least with the meat,

you know they're putting in crap that can kill you.

With dairy, you don't find out until after you eat it.

Did you know they leave chickens

in cages so small and so crowded,

they can barely walk

and they wallow around in their own filth?

Sounds rough. That's what they get for tasting so good.

Mike, it's cool.

No, no. It's not a problem.

All right.

Sorry, Frankie.

I didn't know you and Kevin were selling the same candy bars.

Me neither.

Usually my uncle just takes 'em off my hands,

but this year he decides he wants me to go door to door

like I'm some kind of Jehovah Witness or something.

Dad, the website has been up for almost two hours

and I still don't have any orders yet.

What you got going over there, shortstop?

My dad created this website for me

so I can sell my candy bars,

but so far, I got nothing.

Be patient, Kev.

Look, no business venture is successful overnight.

Whoa. What about Facebook?

Look, that was a rare exception, Frankie, all right?

Shouldn't you be selling candy bars or something?

There was also Netflix, the Walkman, eBay.

The Kardashians.

The Silly Bandz. The Beanie Babies.

Justin Bieber.

The Swiffer.

Okay, this officially sucks.

Look, I love your dad and all,

but he's got the business sense of a Donalle Trump.

Donald Trump is a billionaire.

No, no. Donalle Trump. No "D."

Opened a chain of Big and Tall stores in the Philippines,

monumental disaster.

What's wrong with that?

The average height of a Filipino male is about five'3.

Now, if you open a chain of short and small stores,

he could have been onto something.

So what now?

I mean, I really want to win that iPad,

but how am I supposed to get people to order from me?

Two words.

White. Guilt.

What?

Look, right now you got a website,

a little video of a cute black kid

trying to sell candy so you can win an iPad.

Why am I going to buy candy from you?

- I don't know. - Exactly.

Now, let's say you had a website up of a kid

who was a victim of Hurricane Katrina

and he wanted an iPad.

Who are you going to buy candy from, him or you?

Him, I guess.

So there you go. So instead of being you,

you should be the kid from Hurricane Katrina.

Look, white people be tripping over their Crocs

to send you money.

I don't know. Doesn't seem right.

Look, you want the iPad or not?

Does Katrina start with a "C" or a "K"?

So, what are we having for dinner?

Well, we went to the grocery store,

and I bought all sorts of vegan food.

What's that?

Oh, it's meatless stew, made with seitan.

"Satan"?

"Seitan." It's made from wheat gluten.

I also have some vegan cheese and tofurkey.

"Tofurkey"?

It's tofu made into turkey.

I wonder what they would call it

if they made tofu into duck.

Hey.

You know, if vegans hate meat so much,

why do they always try to make things taste like meat?

Can I have a hot dog?

Yeah, sweetheart. Go ahead.

Do you know what's in those things?

I know what's not in it.

Tofu and the devil.

Mmm.

Okay, did you really have to bring ribs for lunch today?

Before you go vegan, you need to warn somebody.

Well, Gigi, I had no idea how many things

I wasn't allowed to eat.

I went vegan once.

It was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

This guy took me to a restaurant,

tried to feed me foturkey.

Oh, you mean tofurkey.

Whatever. Foturkey. Turkey lurkey.

I don't wanna know what it is, but it was fake.

If you know one thing about me, I don't do fake.

I mean, if you want to eat tofu, eat tofu.

But don't be trying to trick me into believing that it's food.

Mmm.

Wait!

Don't judge.

I tell you, man, I don't have many vices,

but I love these school candy bars.

Why is that?

The ladies.

They love it when you act like you care about kids.

- I wish I could eat one of those. - Your kids?

The candy bars.

You know, now I know why there aren't that many vegans.

They'd all die of starvation.

Look at this stuff, man.

Vegan cheese.

Look. Purified water, arrowroot flowers,

sunflower oil, safflower oil,

canola oil, coconut oil, palm fruit oil, pea protein,

an active yeast...

Xanthan gum, sunflower lecithin,

vegan enzymes, bacteria cultures,

citric acid, and natural color.

There's everything in this cheese but flavor.

I'll telling you, man, vegans are an odd bunch.

They're kind of annoying.

It's like girls who only date rich guys.

What?

I mean, they're always bragging about what they do,

or making fun of you for what you do.

I mean, if you want to be a vegan, be a vegan.

Just shut up and do it.

I know.

Look, now Lindsey's always talking about

how many chemicals and hormones

and animal waste is in the food.

And all we got is soy milk, soy burgers,

and soy bacon.

It's not bacon. It's fake-on.

Everything is gluten-free.

I don't know what a gluten is,

but it must make stuff taste good.

Well, enjoy whatever that is.

But remember, it could be worse.

How?

I could stay here and eat this candy bar

right in front of you.

Okay.

Ah...

What in the world?

Hey, baby.

Nick, what is all this stuff?

I don't know.

These are all of Lindsey's good clothes,

and I just bought her these boots.

Lindsey, what is this stuff?

Oh, everything in there was made out of some sort of animal product,

so I'm getting rid of them.

Wait a minute.

How are you getting rid of my football?

It's leather.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, listen here.

Food is one thing,

but this is ridiculous.

Leather is your friend, all right?

Look, you know how I got a scholarship to college?

Leather.

You know where I keep the money we use to buy you all that stuff?

Leather.

You know what I walk on when I'm out there busting my behind

so you can come home looking like a broke-off Lisa Bonet,

talking about all we going to eat is tofu?

Leather.

Lindsey, why are you dressed like that?

Like what?

Like you're going to live in a tree.

I'm not wearing anything

that has to do with hurting animals anymore.

That includes my makeup or any products tested on animals.

Does that include soap,

because you don't want to smell like you look.

Most soap is made from animal fat,

so I'm only using tea tree oil now.

Oh, so killing the trees is fine,

but you want to save all the cows?

Cows like shade.

Lindsey...

We already changed the way that we eat, okay?

I'm not going to let you get rid of all your good clothes.

But, Mom, I thought you were going to support me on this.

It's a lifestyle.

Well, listen, you already threw away my food.

You throw away another thing of mine,

it's going to be worse.

All right, and wait for it. Wait for it.

- Yeah, baby! Whoo! - Yeah!

- That's what I'm talking about, man. - Yes!

Hey, hey. What's going on?

I won the iPad!

Oh-ho-ho! All right.

I told you.

Yes. Making the website was a great idea.

Whoo!

So, uh, how are your sales going, Frankie?

Pretty good. Pretty good.

Dad, can you come with me to school tomorrow?

They say you have to come with me to pick it up.

- No problem. - Yes.

You know, Frankie,

a good idea is a good idea.

So, you know, if you want,

I could make you a website too.

Uh, let's just see how things go.

Can I get back to you?

Don't wait too long.

Business, baby.

Make that money.

Ugh!

You know, you're going to have to tell Lindsey the truth.

Just because she's vegan

doesn't mean everybody else has to be vegan too.

What's so hard about that?

It's just that we're always telling the kids

that they need to be more committed and goal-oriented,

and what kind of mother would I be

if I don't support her when she finally commits to something?

One that's not so hungry?

I know.

And you know what?

Mmm.

It's worse than you think.

Yesterday, she tried to throw out

all of her leather purses and shoes.

She did what now?

Yeah, she said that being vegan isn't just about what you eat.

It's a lifestyle.

You sure it's not about a boy?

Nope.

Her friend Tracy got her into it.

- Hmm. - Apparently she's vegan too.

Well, I know

one thing.

What's that?

I'd kill Shrek if he had made a good pair of boots.

You need to talk to your daughter.

Mm-hmm.

- Oh. - Mmm.

And, you know, you need to wipe your mouth,

because you're looking like the barbecue joker.

Here, wipe that mouth.

Thank you for coming down here today, Mr. Kingston-Persons.

Hey, no problem.

I'm proud of him.

Yes, well, are you aware of the video

that Kevin used to sell his candy online?

Oh, boy.

Aware of it?

It was my idea. Right, Kev?

Yes. Right. Totally your idea.

Actually, I can't take all the credit.

I mean, Kevin helped a lot. Right, Kev?

Oh, no, no, no. I'd say it was mostly your idea.

Look how modest he is. Yeah.

So you condone these actions?

Condone?

All right, ma'am, you know, we've been through this before,

and as far as I know,

there's no school policy on how you sell your candy.

All right, so don't be getting all mad

because Kevin made a cute video and outsold everybody.

So that's what you call it?

Please do not tell me you're about to punish Kevin

for being a visionary.

All right? He won, fair and square. Deal with it.

You call posing as a victim of Hurricane Katrina

playing fair and square?

What?

Have you seen this?

Hi, my name is Kevin.

Do you remember Hurricane Katrina?

No? Well, I do.

What the...

Kevin, how could you do that?

I'm sorry, Dad. I just really wanted that iPad.

Well, it serves you right, because you were wrong.

It was kind of genius,

but you were wrong. Definitely wrong.

I know.

I just can't believe the guy who's going to beat me

only sold three boxes of candy bars.

Door to door.

But after what you did, he's the only one who deserves it.

Are we going to tell Mom about this?

Why shouldn't I?

Because I'll make a cute face and cry

and then apologize and say it was all your idea,

which is kind of true.

You know, fine. We won't tell your mother.

But one day, you're not going to be this cute.

And when you're not, I'll be there.

Hey, baby. How was work?

Oh, it was good.

Oh.

Come here.

What?

Kiss me again.

You went to Up and Down Burger.

Excuse me?

"Excuse me?"

Look, I know that taste anywhere.

That's the Up and Down Combo.

With grilled onions.

Cheese.

And chipotle sauce.

What are you talking about?

Up and Down Burger. You are crazy.

I know.

Because there is no way

we would go to Up and Down Burger,

when we are supposed to be supporting our daughter

by eating vegan.

Okay, okay, Nick.

But please don't tell Lindsey.

Mom!

You've been eating meat?

Uh, yes, honey, but I can explain.

Explain.

I love meat.

Mom, if you didn't want to do it,

all you had to do was say so.

You didn't have to lie about it.

I'll get it.

Hi, I'm Tracy. Lindsey's friend.

What?

You got to be kidding me.

Hey. Come on in.

Tracy, what are you doing here?

I was in the neighborhood,

and I haven't seen you since last week

and I thought I'd see if you wanted to go hang out at the farmer's market.

- You look different. - You like it?

Uh...So, uh,

you're Tracy the vegan.

Well, my friends just call me Tracy.

Tell me, Tracy, how did you and Lindsey meet?

Well, I just moved here from California a few weeks ago.

I met Lindsey, and I was telling her how my whole family's vegan,

and she told me how you guys have been vegan for years.

For years, huh?

Yep.

Well, Tracy, the vegan,

I have something I need to tell you.

Oh, what's that?

It's very nice to meet you.

Oh, nice to meet you, too.

Thanks, Mom.

Mm-hmm. Not a boy, right.

Mmm. Be home before 9:00,

and bring me back a cheeseburger.

Okay.

Wow, Dad. This chili is really good.

Thanks, Kevin.

Yeah, honey. This is delicious.

I'm so glad I don't have to eat vegan anymore.

I actually have something to tell you.

This chili is vegan.

What?

No way.

It tastes so good, you'd think it'd have dead animals in it.

I was thinking about what Lindsey said all week,

so I decided to make my own food.

It turns out that not all vegan food has to taste bad.

Hey, Lindsey. Sit down.

I made some vegan chili.

Fine.

What's wrong, Lindsey?

I told Tracy that I liked him,

and he told me he doesn't like me as a vegan.

Oh. I'm sorry, sweetheart.

Well, if he doesn't like you for who you are,

then he's not for you anyway.

That's the problem.

He did, and I blew it.

He said every girl he goes out with gets carried away

and takes the vegan thing too far.

I told him I could change back,

but he said they always say that

and he doesn't want to be responsible

for me changing for him if he doesn't like me.

Hmm. Well, I'm sorry, honey. Can we do anything?

- Yeah. - You name it.

Get the ketchup.

You know, I still can't believe

you were sneaking food this whole time.

Is there anything else you want to tell me?

Hmm.

Is there anything else that you aren't telling me?

What are you talking about?

I'm the only one who was being honest through this whole thing.

I am talking about this video that Gigi just sent me.

Hi, my name is Kevin.

Do you remember Hurricane Katrina?

No? Well, I do.

It wasn't pretty.

With your help, I can afford the things

that would provide me a better education.

Please buy a chocolate bar

and help me make my way back onto solid ground.

You like chocolate, don't you?

That's computer graphics. That ain't him.

He didn't do it.

They can do... They can Photoshop anything.