Original subtitles

So you think Mom's gonna like this?

A digital picture frame filled with pictures of you guys since you were babies?

Yeah, I think she's gonna like that.

Wow, I hate to brag, but I was a really cute baby.

Probably helped cushion the shock when you came.

Okay, you might be cute, but I have charisma.

If by "charisma," you mean "a big head, " then, yeah, you have that.

While I was getting all these pictures put on CD,

I found photos from all your birthday parties but none from your mother's.

Now, I remember last year, we just went to dinner.

The year before that...

I think you guys just went out to dinner.

When was the last time your mom had a real birthday party?

Uncle Terrence said it was when she was a teenager.

Yeah, Mom doesn't like birthday parties.

She's afraid of them.

That's crazy. Nobody is afraid of birthday parties.

Mom is.

Look, Lindsey, can you wrap this please?

Okay.

Look, and don't be using the tape to rip your brother's eyebrows off again.

You sure?

I'll use the sweat position on you.

I can give you a clean slate.

Yeah?

Are you afraid of birthday parties?

What?

I said,

are you afraid of birthday parties?

Where would you get a crazy idea like that?

From the kids.

See,

since I've been with you,

and since they can remember,

you've never had a birthday party.

They say

you're scared to.

Okay, that is just stupid.

Now, how could I be scared of parties

when I plan other people's parties for a living?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you've never planned your own party.

Because I'm so burnt out

on planning other people's parties. Duh!

You want a cucumber in your salad?

No, I don't want cucumbers in the salad.

I want the truth!

Huh?

Are you afraid of having your own birthday party?

No, I'm not afraid of having a party.

I just don't want one.

Why not?

Because when I was turning 16,

I had a girlfriend, and our birthdays were two days apart,

and so we decided to plan our parties together.

Plus, I thought it'd be really cool

because it was my first time having a party,

and we knew all the same people,

and we didn't people to have to choose between her party and my party.

Anyway, there was this guy that I liked,

and she thought he liked her, but when she found out that I liked him, and he liked me,

she got really mad, and so she went behind my back

and told everybody, including him,

that the party was at her house on Friday, when it was supposed to be at my house on Saturday.

And then Saturday came, and nobody showed up,

and I spent my birthday alone, crying, eating chicken wings,

and studying for a physics test. And I was humiliated,

and I promised myself that I would never, ever, ever again

be waiting at home by myself waiting for people

to show up and celebrate my birthday. Okay?

Okay. You know, baby, all I'm trying to say is,

maybe the best way to deal with this problem

is to face this problem, okay?

Just jump right in, that's all.

Oh. Jump right in,

like the hour it takes you to get into the pool.

"Ooh, baby, it's so cold.

"Aah! Oh!"

I-I get in the pool, okay?

In the shallow end.

- I'm still in. - Holding a swim noodle.

- I'm still in. - Wearing goggles and a vest.

- I'm still in. - Looking for the lifeguard.

I'm still in.

With a swim cap on.

Now, you know now you're just trying to hurt me.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

- Marilyn. - Yeah?

We need your advice.

No problem. Stay in school,

say no to drugs, and don't be looking in my coffee cup.

No, we need your advice on what to get Mom for her birthday.

She could use another husband.

But we'll always think of you as our grandmother.

Don't you threaten me.

Look, I think you guys should get your mother something

that lets her know you put a lot of thought into it.

She'll appreciate that.

What are you getting her?

A card.

But if you want, I'll take you guys to the mall,

and we'll find her something really good.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

Hey. I'm glad you guys are all here.

Kevin, sit down.

Really?

Kids, you know how earlier you were saying your mother was scared of birthday parties?

Well, we're about to put an end to that.

Are you gonna take her on one of those late-night fishing trips I told you about?

No. We're gonna give your mom a surprise party!

But we already told you, Mom's afraid of birthday parties.

Yeah, you might want to take her on that fishing trip instead.

- Good morning. - Shh!

What?

Hey, um, I need your help.

With what?

I'm going to throw Suzanne a birthday party.

Nick, no.

- Yeah. - Don't speak.

It's a...Shh!

No!

It's...Shh!

Gigi...Yes?

It's a s...No, no, Nick!

- I told you about me and secrets. - Shh!

No, you shush!

- Listen, I'm sorry. - Well, you should be sorry,

because the last time you tried to keep a secret from her,

you almost got shot.

This is not good.

Look, are you gonna help me or not?

Well, it's not like I have a choice, is it,

since you forced your secret on me.

- Shh. - You shush!

- Good morning. - Good morning, baby.

- Hey. - I didn't even hear you come in.

Oh. No, no, no.

So, what are you guys talking about?

- Um, nothing. - Nothing.

Just chitchattin'.Chitchattin'.

We just chatting about... chit.

Oh, okay. Well, I hate to break up your chat,

but we really need to get going.

- All right, see you later, baby. - All right, honey, I love you.

- Bye, Nick! - All right, love you, too. Have a good day.

Shh!

Oh, Lord, my feet hurt.

I'm starving.

I've had to pee for so long, I don't even have to pee anymore.

And after all of that, we still don't have a present for your mother.

I could've stayed here with the two of you and been miserable.

Hey, it's not our fault the stores had crappy stuff.

I know. I'm sorry.

When my feet hurt, I say awful things, and I don't mean it.

You say awful things even when your feet don't hurt.

Yeah, but those I mean.

So, what now?

Well, maybe you can find something online.

If we do, can we use your credit card?

If I don't have to walk to the computer.

Ah, this feels good.

Yeah, I want the deluxe flower package with the champagne.

- How much is that? - $547.

Yeah, I'll take it. Thanks.

What's up?

Okay, I've got it down to two DJs.

The first guy comes with a one,400-watt, three-speaker sound system,

50,000 songs, and an LED uplighting kit for 900 bucks.

Hmm.

Second guy is $200,

and he comes with an iPod, and your choice of disco balls.

Oh. Okay, I don't have long, but I got the cupcake samples.

Chocolate marble, red velvet, and lemon chiffon.

You know Suzanne likes carrot cake.

I know, but I don't. Nobody does.

It may be her birthday party, but everybody gotta eat.

So, how is this supposed to work?

- Okay. - Oh, wait.

I know too much.

Saturday night, I'm gonna take Suzanne to dinner at 9:00.

All right, she'll think it's just her regular birthday dinner.

And I stay here and let everybody in.

Right, and then I'll take her home,

and then, "surprise!"

Suzanne has not had a birthday party in 20 years,

so this has got to be the best party she has ever had.

Baby?

Hey, Gigi, what are you doing in here?

Nothing. We just had a bet and...

And you lost. So that'll be 50 bucks, please.

I thought it was for 20 bucks.

No, it was 50, but admit it, it was worth it.

What's going on, baby?

Well, I'm glad you're all here,

because I have an announcement.

What is it, sweetie?

I am throwing a birthday party for myself!

Yay!

- That's great! - When?

- Saturday. - Yay!

- Which Saturday? - This Saturday.

Yay!

Oh, that is fantastic, baby.

You guys were so right. So, I'm letting go of the past,

and this birthday, I am gonna turn it out!

Whoo! We're gonna turn it out, girl!

Work it out!

Okay, so now what?

This is crazy.

I don't know how much money I spent already trying to put this party together.

Well, maybe you can call everyone back and get a refund.

Gigi, you know better than that.

That's why people take deposits.

So if you cancel, they keep your money for wasting their time.

- I hate that. - So do I.

So, I guess there's only one thing to do.

- There is? - Yeah.

I'm gonna ruin her party.

And then when everything falls apart,

she'll have to come to mine.

That's mean.

- It's crazy. - Diabolical.

- It's cruel. - I like it.

Hey. Where have you been all morning?

Coming here.

Oh, okay. Well, I need you to call a couple of DJs.

I want somebody who has a lot of old-school stuff, you know,

Guy, Jodeci, Bell Biv Devoe.

Because, seriously, a party isn't a party until you put on Poison.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

I mean, people need time to plan to come to these things.

You can't just throw a party at the last minute.

Yes, I can. It's what I do.

So, when's your birthday again?

- Sunday. - Sunday?

So why don't you throw your party on Sunday?

Because people like to go to parties on Saturday.

But your birthday's on Sunday.

People want to go to your party on your birthday.

You don't celebrate Fourth of July on the third because it falls on a Sunday.

You don't celebrate Valentine's Day on the thirteenth

because it falls on a Sunday.

You don't celebrate Cinco de Mayo on Cinco de Cuatro

because it falls on a Sunday.

Okay, Gigi. But everybody knows

that Presidents' Day is always on a Monday,

and Election Day is always on a Tuesday,

and Thanksgiving is always on a Thursday.

And everybody knows that the best parties

are always on a Saturday.

Who celebrates Presidents' Day?

Gigi,

is there something you want to tell me?

Me? No. I mean, come on.

What would I need to tell you? We've been through this before, Suzanne.

If I needed to tell you anything, I'd tell you,

because that's we do. We tell each other what we need to be told,

and I don't need to tell you anything.

Okay, fine. Well, I'm going to the pastry shop

to order a carrot cake!

Whoo! Carrot cake!

So, can you call some people,

and see what you can nail down for the party?

Yeah, I can do that.

Thank you very much.

Oh, Suzanne. I'll get right on this.

Thank you.

So what happened?

I tried to convince her the party was a bad idea,

and she wasn't going for it.

Okay. So here's what you do.

You tell her that all her plans are in place,

and then on the day of the party,

at the last minute, everybody that you booked is gonna cancel.

All right? We're gonna be a no-hitter maybe for a half hour.

Look, I'll bring her home, and then, "Surprise!"

Did you know her birthday was on Sunday?

Yeah.

- Nick! Ooh! - Gigi!

- Gigi. - Yeah, I was just going over this list.

Oh, okay. Can you help me get something in my car?

- Sure. - Okay, thank you.

- Okay. - It'll only take a second.

All right.

- Come on. - I'm coming.

Okay. All right.

Gigi!

Gigi!

Marilyn, Mom's gift just got here.

So, what did I end up paying $200 for?

A handbag. I can't wait to see it.

Here we go.

What is this?

Well, it could be a dead animal or maybe a memorable hat,

but that is definitely not a bag.

No, it's not the bag. It's a muff.

What's a muff?

It's something women put their hands in to keep them warm.

That's what pockets are for.

Ah, we have to send it back. This is not what we wanted.

Well, the party starts in two hours,

so I hope they have super-fast delivery.

Hey, everybody, we're home!

Incoming.

Wow, you know, I can't believe I wasted so many years

because of some stupid party.

Well, this year's gonna be different.

Mom, since you're having your party, do you mind if I go to Kelly's?

No, sweetheart, go ahead.

- Thanks, Mom. - Mm-hmm.

Can I go to Troy's?

Did you ask Jackie?

He said she said it was okay.

I'll bet he did.

Fine, but I'm gonna call over there to check on you, so you better be there.

I will.

All right.

I'm gonna go get ready for my party!

Be ready for your party, girl.

Your phone's broken?

You couldn't give me a little bit of a heads-up?

You are lucky she did not get thirsty.

- I'm thirsty. - Oh, hey, I'll get it for you, baby.

Oh, no. I got it, honey.

Uh... Hey, Mom! You want to see something on the computer?

Oh, yeah. Of course, sweetheart. I'd love to.

- Okay, I'll show you. - What is that? What you got?

KEVIN: Um, uh...SUZANNE: What is it?

Oh, you know what? I just remembered,

it's on the other computer, not this one.

So, I'll show you later.

Oh, okay.

Ooh, that looks yummy.

All right, I'm gonna go get dressed and ready for my party!

I can't wait to see what you're gonna wear to your party.

Tell me she did not just take my sandwich.

Well, this party better be good.

Party over here! Ooh, ooh!

As excited as you are,

we don't even need the other people.

- Here you go, guys. - Oh, thank you.

Just double-checking that you have outside catering

- and a DJ coming in. - Yes.

Happy birthday, Suzanne.

- Yay! Happy birthday to me! - Happy birthday.

Well, that's kind of odd. The caterer's not here yet.

Don't worry. I mean, I know from you telling me that these people always run late.

Oh, I know. It's just that none of my guests are here yet either.

I wonder if there's a problem with the traffic.

Honey, no one arrives on time for a party.

Okay? How about a toast?

Okay.

All right. This is for you.

Well, I'm really sorry to hear that.

Yeah, feel better. Thanks.

What's going on?

The DJ's sick.

He's not coming.

You know, first the caterer says he never got the call, and now this.

And no one's even here.

Hey, Suzanne! Happy birthday, baby!

Aah! Mike!

Ah, I'm so happy to see you.

Thank you so much.

Oh, let me go get us a drink. I'll be right back.

All right, Mike, Mike. Mike, what are you doing here?

I was invited.

You're supposed to go to the house.

Poppin' bottles! Poppin' bottles!

You're poppin', baby. Yeah!

- Let's get our drink on. - Let's get our drink on.

- I already have mine. - Happy birthday to me!

Whoo!

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

Mmm. Wait. Let's do another one. Here. You, too.

Hey, uh, babe. You sure you don't want to leave?

You know, we could just take Mike, and we can...

I'm not going anywhere, okay?

I should have done this 20 years ago.

You know, and just because nobody else showed up,

it doesn't mean that we can't have a good time.

- Yeah. - Right?

'Cause ain't no party like a Suzanne Kingston-Persons party,

'cause a Suzanne Kingston-Persons party don't stop. What?

'Cause ain't no party like a Suzanne Kingston-Persons party,

'cause a Suzanne Kingston-Persons party don't stop.

Happy birthday!

Whoop, whoop!

Can you go down low?

All the way to the flo'.

Can you down low?

Oh, whoa, whoa! All right. I think that's it.

All right, I think we need to leave.

- Can you get some water please? - Yes.

Come on, baby.

No! No! I don't want to go.

It's my party, and I can cha-cha slide if I want to.

You know why? Because I don't have no friends.

Uh, uh, 'cause I'm a loser.

What? What? I'm a loser.

Baby, baby. You are not a loser. Mike, tell her.

I don't know, man. It's pretty bad.

Yeah, see? See? He's right!

Now come on. Let's back it up.

What, what.

Hey, Mike, what are you do-- All right, that's it.

Back it up. Oh! Hey!

Hey, man, get the stuff. Let's go.

Can you go down low?

Get the stuff. Let's go!

All the way to the flo'. Come on,

drop it like it's hot, Mickey.

Yeah! Work it out!

- Everything looks really great. - Thank you.

- What time are they supposed to be here? - Any minute.

- Here they come! - Kill the lights.

This is the worst night ever.

I blame you and the woman who gave birth to you.

Surprise!

Whoa. Hey, I like this song.

Can you go down?

- All the way to the ground. - Whoa, whoa.

Oh, cut the music. Cut it!

You have a DJ?

All my friends.

This is the best birthday ever.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

If you planned this,

then you knew nobody was coming to my other party.

Yeah, kind of.

So, you let me sit over there

so everybody could surprise me here?

Yup.

Surprise!

What is wrong with you, man?

Don't be standing there smiling. It's not funny.

I will knock you out...Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Up, up, up. Here we go. Here we go.

Did you throw me a surprise party last night?

That depends.

Are gonna try to hit me again?

Of course not.

I hit you?

You came from Detroit like...

I was duckin', and it just kept comin'.

And I was like, "Oh, no!"

Honey, honey.

I'm sorry.

But that is the sweetest thing anybody's ever done for me.

Happy birthday.

Look, now, come on.

- I've got a surprise for you. - Okay.

Watch the wall. Watch the wall.

And no peeking!

- No peeking. - Okay.

All right.

And here we go and... Bam!

Surprise!

Oh...

- Happy birthday, Mommy. - Happy real birthday, girly.

One drunk chick at the party, and she has to be your wife.

You're so silly.

Well, since you said you couldn't remember anything from last night,

we thought we'd give you a little reminder.

- Uh-oh. - Mm-hmm.

- Here we go. - Brace yourself.

Push "play."

Happy birthday, Suzanne,

even though you called me a witch.

Happy birthday, baby.

Look out!

Almost.

I'm sick of the robot!

All the way to the ground.

Ah, yeah. She moving it now!

Look at her!

When I say "birthday," you say "party."