Original subtitles

Lindsey!

- Bye, Mom. - Hey, freeze.

Where do you think you're going?

To Janet's house.

No, you are going upstairs to change

so you can help me clean this house.

But, Mom, she's waiting for me.

And she's gonna continue to wait for you

until this kitchen is clean. Go.

Dude, please.

Look, why can't you just take no for an answer?

Oh, I'll take no for an answer,

just not the first answer.

- What happened? - He got shut down.

Hey, why don't you tell your part of the story, and let me tell mine.

Tell me yours first.

Okay. So we were at the food court in the mall,

and that is where I first saw her.

Let me guess, this week's woman of your dreams.

Exactly. She was in line at the Up and Down Burger,

so she was beautiful and affordable.

What more can a man ask for?

You know, I don't know.

Yeah, so I was trying to think up a good pickup line.

I was thinking, "You want fries with that?"

Thought of it, decided it was too pedestrian.

So instead, I decided to borrow

young Kevin here.

Nick, you let him borrow our son to pick up a woman?

He gave him back.

So you pretend to be her, and we will pretend to be us.

Okay.

Excuse me, miss, you dropped something.

Oh, why, look, it's my phone number.

Let me get that for you.

That's better than "You want fries with that"?

No, wait. So then she says to Kevin,

"Is that what he's teaching you to say to women?"

And then I say, "It was, but it's not now."

And then she started laughing, because she thought it was hilarious.

Turns out she works for an ad agency,

and they were trying to cast a kid for her new commercial,

and she asked Kevin if he could do it.

A commercial? For what?

Up and Down Burger! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!

Eh.

Look at you, Mr. Right-place- at-the-right-time.

Congratulations, Kevin.

- Thanks, mom. - You're welcome.

So what happened with the girl?

She said if I wanted to talk to her,

why didn't I just walk up and talk to her,

instead of borrowing some black kid like I was raising money for UNICEF.

Well, we can't win 'em all.

Oh, we'll see about that.

Oh, goodness.

Ow.

Oh, my God, Lindsey.

Lindsey, are you okay?

I fell on the stairs.

Are the stairs okay?

Dude, not cool.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

- Morning. - Hey, super star.

- Are you ready? - Yes.

I mean, this is so cool.

I wonder if I'm gonna be famous like the Darth Vader kid.

Ooh, or that talking baby.

Okay, don't get ahead of yourself, sweetheart.

I can't believe you guys have to be there so early.

How long does it take to shoot a 30-second commercial?

According to the schedule, all day.

Morning, morning.

How's Lindsey?

Better than that suit.

Where are you going looking like Blond, James Blond?

I am going to win over that casting director.

She can't just shut me down and walk away like that.

Good morning.

Oh, shoot.

Hey, Kato, where's The Green Hornet?

You know what, I'll take that,

because I am, in fact, on a mission.

So, throw whatever insults you--

Your powers of boredom do not phase me.

"Oh, shoot," what?

I'm sorry. I meant to call you.

Lindsey sprained her ankle.

Oh, my God. Is she okay?

Yeah, her head broke the fall.

She'll be fine, but I'm not going into work today.

Oh.

Okay, we better get going.

Where are you guys going so early?

Kevin has a commercial shoot.

What, a commercial? For what?

Up and Down Burger.

Congratulations!

Oh, my gosh, that's amazing.

You know, I shot an Up and Down Burger commercial once.

- Okay, we better get going. - Yeah.

I was around your age,

and my line was,

"You can have a bite, but it's gonna be hard to chew with no teeth.

"Now, back off!"

And then I took a bite of the burger.

Never saw that one.

Well, it's 'cause it never aired.

Turns out I was allergic to cheese.

I bit the burger, broke out in hives, and then they fired me.

Oh, that's too bad. We got to go.

Hey, you know what? Wait a minute, wait, wait.

Um... Zee?

- No. - Please.

What about work?

Well, listen, I can go in and pretend to work,

but you and I both know all I'm gonna do is play Crazy Birds.

Please.

Go.

Lindsey.

Do you ever put that thing down?

That's the reason you're laid up here in the first place.

No, that dirty kitchen is the reason why I'm laid up.

You tripped on the stairs because you weren't watching where you were walking.

Now, if you'd been cleaning the kitchen like you should have been,

then you wouldn't have been on the stairs to fall down in the first place.

You see, the kitchen was trying to help you.

Why couldn't I do the dishes after I came back?

Because you were supposed to have done them before you left.

Wasn't like they were going anywhere.

Just because I don't have a history of beating you

doesn't mean I can't start one.

The kitchen will be waiting for you when you feel better.

Fix your face.

Oh... Uh...

Get my cast ready. I don't want to be here all day.

This is a burger commercial, not Lord of the Rings.

- Oh, my God. That's him. - Who?

The director of my commercial. I'll never forget him.

On the day of my shoot, he said almost the same thing,

except it was,

"It's a burger commercial, not Empire Strikes Back."

You know what? I'm gonna go find out why he fired me.

- Gigi. - Yeah, I'll be right back.

No photographs. This is a closed set.

Oh, my bad.

Are you working today?

No, I'm not, but my son is.

This is Kevin. I'm his father.

Yeah, I kind of got that when you said he was your son.

Nice suit.

Thanks.

Ah, here she is.

- I don't think you want to do this. - Oh, I do.

- Hi, there. - No.

- Hi, Kevin. - Hi.

Are you excited?

Yes, I memorized my lines and everything.

All right, come with me.

She is not getting away that easy. I'll be back.

Martin!

What are you doing?

Actors only.

- Did you just hit me? - Yes, I did.

Can you read? What school did you go to?

Wait, I know you.

Are you with immigration?

No, I'm...You don't know me then.

Wait, wait, you the guy from the parking garage downtown, remember?

Wait a minute.

Turn around.

Hey, meat head.

The meat is still there.

Yeah.

- I know you. - How you doing?

How you been, man?

Oh, I've been doing very bad.

I have five jobs left.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Enough of me. How is the car?

The car is good. They got it all fixed. It's all good.

Actors only. Please, can you read?

Yeah, I can, um...

But, look, man, you know me. It's cool now.

I know who you are,

and I also know who you are not,

and you are not an actor.

My son Kevin is the star of this whole commercial.

- Kevin. - Yes.

Wait a minute, please.

Hey, Kevin. Yes, thank you, now...

Kevin can have all the donuts he want. You know why?

- Why? - He's an actor!

If I let you eat, everybody's gonna want to eat.

If everybody eat, there is not enough food for the actors.

How are they supposed to act if they are hungry?

- It's just a donut. - Shut up.

And when all the food is gone,

can I tell them I let the food go like Oprah?

"You can get a donut, you can get a donut. You can get a donut."

- All right. - Get out of here right now!

You are trying to get me fired.

- What are you talking about? - Quiet on set!

It was his fault.

You are responsible!

And action.

Hey, son, can I have one of your fries?

Why, is that on your bucket list?

- What? - I mean, I'm just saying, Dad,

I love you, but if you eat one of my fries, you're gonna get hurt,

bad.

Cut.

That was great-- What's his name?

- Kevin. - That was great, Kevin.

And I like what you added on the end there. Fantastic.

You know, you've got great instincts.

You know...

I was a child actor once.

- I didn't know that. - I know.

The system chewed me up and spit me out,

and if you're not careful,

they'll try to do the same thing to you, Kevin,

but don't you let them.

And by them, I mean me, because I am them now.

I am just another cog

in the endless wheel of boxheads

trying to make a buck off of

the dreams of those not yet crushed.

Thanks.

Going again.

Rolling. Quiet on set.

And action.

Hey, son, can I get another fry?

Cut!

Whose phone is that?

I heard a phone.

Uh, I'm sorry. I forgot to turn it off.

Who are you? Who is this?

That's Kevin's father.

- Who's Kevin? - The kid.

Oh!

I'm sorry.

Oh, you're sorry.

Your kid has a shot at being a star

of a multi-million dollar hamburger commercial,

and you're over here messing up things for him.

I ought to cuss you out like Christian Bale.

Hey, man, I said I'm sorry.

That's not good enough! You're sorry. Oh!

The guy-- Did you hear that? He's sorry.

Oh, thank you very much. I'm out here, trying to make art,

and you're over here answering your phone.

You don't have enough respect for your own kid

to turn your phone off.

It won't happen again.

Oh, it won't happen again. Listen to this guy.

Teeny weenie?

Oh, yeah, sure. Thank you very much.

- Don't do it. - Going again.

Rolling!

And action.

Hey, son, can I have one of your fries?

Why, is that on your bucket list?

- What? - I mean, I'm just saying man,

These are some good fries.

I'd hate to see something bad happen to you.

Cut!

Kevin, I got two words for you.

Brill-iant.

- Yes! - Okay, everybody, that's it.

Thank you.

- Hi. - Hi.

- What? - You don't remember me?

No.

Up and Down Burger, you were the director.

I was the cute girl allergic to cheese. You fired me.

Ah, yeah. So?

So? You chewed me up and spit me out!

You threw up on my shoes.

How was I to know that you were allergic to cheese?

What do you want from me?

- I want a part in your commercial. - No.

- Something. Anything. - No. No.

It doesn't have to do with cheese.

Do I have to call security?

Okay, this isn't over!

Ta-da!

- I need to talk to you. - No, you don't.

Just tell me your name.

If I do, will you leave me alone,

or will you just start annoying me on a first-name basis?

Let's find out. I'm Martin.

Can you tell me your last name, so I can put it on the restraining order?

Why don't you like me?

How many reasons do I have to give you to get you to go away?

All of them, over dinner.

Aww. No.

This isn't over.

- How does this feel, man? You are a star. - It's so cool.

Kevin, Kevin, you did some great work out there today.

What do you say we bring you in for another spot?

- Really? - We think you'd be great for it.

Wow, man, thanks. We appreciate it.

Sure thing, Mr. Ringtone.

We'll send you all the info,

and we'll see you in a couple days.

All right. I know.

Uh-uh. Put it back.

Suzanne, this is ridiculous.

Are you seriously telling me

you're not gonna clean the kitchen until her foot gets better?

That's what I said I'm doing. That's what I'm doing.

Why are we waiting on her to clean this mess?

We're gonna make another one.

It's the principle.

Nick, she needs to understand that I say what I mean, and I mean what I say.

Well, I want some cereal. Can you please help me find a bowl?

Look.

Here you go.

Hey, Kevin, glad you made it.

Sign in, and we'll see you in a minute.

Well, who are all of these people, and why do they look like Kevin?

They're auditioning.

Um, auditioning?

I thought they were bringing Kevin in for another spot.

I'm sorry, it's TV talk.

"Bring you in" means "audition."

I mean, if you're not ready...

No, it's cool. I'm ready.

Great, we'll see you in a bit.

I'll go get you signed in.

Okay.

You're eating chips.

You're eating chips.

You're eating chips.

Oh, hey, brother. Yo, chill for a minute, B.

Hey, you're that kid from... All the commercials. I know, brother.

I'm blessed. I'm blessed. What's your name?

Kevin. That's crazy.

My name is Devin.

So, what are you guys doing?

It's called the Meisner technique.

Helps me get in the moment before I do my thing.

All right, so check it. You say something, then I say it back.

Go ahead, say something.

Uh, you're wearing a blue sweater.

Uh, you're wearing a blue sweater.

- Wow, cool. - Wow, cool.

- Is that it? - Is that it?

- When does this end? - When does this end?

Devin?

All right, Kevin. I mean, I would wish you luck,

but we're up for the same part. Deuces.

Kevin Kingston-Persons.

Hi, how you doin'?

Hey, how you doin'? How you doin'?

What's up? How you doin'?

Hey, what's up, man?

Kevin, are you done with the meet and greet?

I guess so.

Do you see that piece of tape on the floor over there?

Yeah, I see it.

Okay, stand on it, look directly into the camera,

and say your name.

Oh, come on, man, y'all know me.

Okay.

Kevin Kingston-Persons.

Whenever you're ready.

What do you want me to say?

The lines.

Oh. Well, I thought I could just wing it like I did in the commercial.

I mean, remember how you were saying I have great instincts and don't change that?

Knowing what to do with the lines

and knowing the lines are two different things.

Do you know the lines?

Yes, of course, I do.

Good.

Whenever you're ready.

Whenever you're ready.

I'm serious.

I'm serious.

This is ridiculous.

This is ridiculous.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

You can go now.

You can go now.

Do I have to call security?

Do I have to call security?

- Security! - Secur--

Hey, back so soon?

I thought it takes all day to shoot a commercial.

It wasn't a commercial. It was an audition.

Oh, how'd it go?

I don't want to talk about it.

Kev.

Nick.

So what happened?

Well, at the other shoot, they made it seem like Kevin had another commercial.

But when we got down there,

it was just a bunch of kids that looked just like Kevin

auditioning for the same role.

Why would they do that?

I don't know. But I'm about to find out.

You want some?

What is going on here?

Listen, Nick, you know me, okay? You know I'm a good guy.

Tell her I'm a good guy.

He's a good guy.

I don't care. I'm not going out with you.

But why?'Cause you are really annoying.

Just wait. Just wait. Okay, come here, Nick.

Okay, he knows me.

Tell him I wouldn't be here unless it was really important.

She wouldn't be here unless it was important.

Important to who?

To me. I just...

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

What?

I just want to say one thing,

and then you guys can argue until you're blue in the face.

Why do you get to talk?

Because if Kevin hadn't have got that commercial,

you wouldn't be here.

Well, if I hadn't used Kevin to get her attention,

you wouldn't be here.

You let him borrow your kid?

He gave him back.

What is wrong with you people?

Three grown adults riding on the coattails of a kid.

You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

No, no, you ought to be ashamed of yourself,

having my son thinking he got a commercial,

and we come down here, and it's an audition.

People don't understand "TV talk."

It doesn't matter. He didn't know the lines.

Whose fault is that?

We put together a multi-million dollar ad campaign,

and you think your kid can just waltz in here and say whatever he wants?

Ha! And you.

She doesn't want to go out with you because you're a creep.

You're using a kid to pick up women.

Yeah.

Get yourself a dog, cornball.

- And you. - Yes.

What's her name again?

- Uh, Gigi. - Gigi.

Yes

You think you can just come into my office

and demand an audition?

Yes, why shouldn't I?

Because that's not how we do it.

Well, okay.

Why don't we just skip the audition,

and you give me the part?

If I give you the part, will you get out of my office?

- Fast! - You're hired.

Thank you.

Whoo!

What's the big deal, it's just one date. It's like just one night of your life.

Okay, okay, okay! For the love of God!

I will go out with you,

once.

There, are you happy?

Yes. Yes, I am.

- One more thing. - What?

You can forget about the date.

See, I was just trying to prove to myself

that I could win you over.

But, um, you seem great.

Friendsies? Yeah?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, we are going out, and I'm paying.

- Hmm? - Your phone is ringing.

Me?

Hey, Lindsey, I'm making a store run. Do you need anything?

No, I'm fine.

Okay, well, I'll see you in a few hours.

Okay.

We're gone.

Bye!

♪ You losin' sleep you can't believe you feelin' like this

♪ It says "Try this"

♪ Our eyes connected

♪ But I give you that uh, uh

♪ I give you that quick look away

♪ You want to dress me up and take me where the rich do... ♪

Foot feeling better?

A bit.

I thought you were going to the store.

I think you better go in the kitchen and clean up that mess.

Otherwise, the next time you trip on the stairs,

it won't be an accident.

Turn it to the game!

The game's already on. What's going on?

My commercial is playing during the game. Come here!

Well, turn it up.

There it is. Oh, my God!

Hey, son, can I have one of your fries?

Why, is that on your bucket list?

- What? - I mean, I'm just saying man,

These are some good fries.

I'd hate to see something bad happen to you.