Original subtitles

Hey, laptop,

games schedule, stat sheets.

Uh, since when have you been into fantasy basketball anyway?

Since a guy in my league bet me autographed sneakers

signed by the entire Lakers championship team

if I beat him this week.

Hey, Nick.

- Hey. - You ready?

For?

Steven and Danielle are coming over tonight. Don't you remember?

Who are Steve and Danielle?

Danielle is a fitness guru. She's opening her own gym

She wants to discuss giving me her account.

I told you about them last night.

You said, "Uh-huh," and I said,

"They'll be here at 7:00."

- I said uh-huh? - Yes.

And you thought I was actually listening to you?

So you weren't paying attention to me.

No. Wasn't that obvious?

Obviously not.

Now, Nick, go get ready to eat.

- I am ready. - You can't eat like that.

Yes, I can. Look. Watch this.

Hold on. Got a chip.

Oh, I ate. Amazing.

Why does she have to get to know me?

She doesn't. I need you there to talk to her husband.

I've met with some of the husbands

of the people you do business with.

All right? Now, look, If I woke up chained

to a bathtub in a bathroom,

and one of those guys was in there talking,

and all I had to do to leave was saw my own leg,

I'd be like...

Okay.

Okay, Nick.

Like the wives of the guys you deal with are so great.

Now, please go get dressed.

Fine.

What?

'Cause he's not listening to you, I have to suffer?

That's your friend.

Fine.

We are watching the game on Thursday.

Mnm-hmm.

Hey. Thursday.

- Mmm-hmm. - No, I need verbal confirmation.

Kiss my...That'll do.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Good shot.

Oh, no, it's okay. That's all right.

Oh, is this the station that you're on?

Yes, but I'm usually on the weekends.

Hmm, you know, I've seen you on the news, and you are not bad.

Have you seen the guy on the weeknights?

Ooh, that guy is good. You should watch him.

Right. I'll be sure to check him out.

What about you, man? What do you do?

I'm in suits.

You heard of The Gentleman's Barn?

Yeah, I think I've seen that place.

Yeah, well, that's me.

Upscale "barn-gain" suits. That's "bargain" with a barn.

It's nice.

You should come in. We have easy chairs,

bottled water, magazines that type of thing.

Oh, bottled water, wow.

Next time I need a suit, maybe I'll come in.

Well, speaking of suits,

what kind of suits do you wear on the air?

Uh, gray, dark blue. You know, different colors.

No, I'm talking fabrics, Nick. Fabrics.

See, a lot of people think that wool is the way to go,

but if you want to get a nice variety of suits on a budget,

and I'm guessing you don't make as much as the weeknight guy.

Oh, that guy is good.

Then you need to think about a nice polyester blend.

Have you ever heard of Teteron?

Um, what?

- Wait, what was that again? - Teteron.

It's the new thing.

It's nice and soft and holds its shape.

Come on in. I'll fit you with a cheap man's suit.

Hey, man, check it out, I am going to go check on the dessert right now.

- I'll be right back. - Think about Teteron.

- What was that again? - Teteron.

Okay, I'll be right back.

Hey, babe, can you come here a minute?

Honey, dessert will be ready in a few minutes.

You got to get me out of here. This dude is driving me crazy.

- What's he doing? - He won't quit talking about Teteron.

What's Teteron?

It's this fabric that breathes easy...

Nick, how are you and Steve getting along back there?

Oh, me and Steve, you know, it is what it is, you know?

Couple fellows just kicking back,

you know what I mean?

Hey, we about to get into the apple pie a la mode like guys do.

You know, Suzanne, we should really go out sometime after work.

You know, that sounds nice,

but, you know, between work and the kids and Nick,

I never feel like I have any time for myself.

Sounds like what you need to do is get...

♪ Prioritized

Oh, no, you are talking to Miss Organization in the flesh.

I didn't say organized, I said prioritized,

as in priority number one: Massage.

Number two: Weekly mani-pedis.

Number three: Whatever you need to do for you.

Wow. That sounds like a dream.

It doesn't have to be, Suzanne.

Your children aren't babies, and they have a father.

Would it kill them if you weren't here sometimes?

Oh, mmm. That is good pie. And your wife made that?

Yeah.

Mmm, oh, that's nice. Yeah. That is nice. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

You know who else makes a good pie? The Pie Factory.

Yeah, y'all should go.

You know The Cheesecake Factory? It's like that, but with pie.

They got apple.

They got blueberry. They got the lemon meringue. Ooh.

You think we need to check on the girls?

No, she'll come get me when she's done.

Ooh, got a surprise for you.

- For me? - Uh, yeah.

See, I saw your game box up there,

and while you were in the house,

I went through your games.

I didn't see anything good, so I brought something in.

Usher's Dance Retribution?

Usher's Dance Retribution?

Get ready to dance...

Where you at, Nick?

You can't handle all of this.

Hey.

Hey, Lindsey, is your dad around?

He's upstairs.

Who's that? He looks familiar?

That is the point guard who played what was perhaps the worst game

in the history of professional sports last night.

Oh, my God, that's where I know him from.

That's what's-his-face.

He goes out with that girl on The Real Hoochies of Hoop.

I'm surprised he was even able to play at all.

Why is that?

They just broke up, and, like, he was totally into her,

and every time they break up, he gets drunk or arrested or does something crazy.

He was devastated. It was all over Twitter.

And you think he didn't play well because of that?

I don't know.

What does Twitter say about this guy?

Let's see.

Nothing. He's not on Twitter.

- Huh, I'd play him. - Why?

Because he's in Portland.

I mean, it's been raining there for a week.

He's probably had nothing to do but shoot baskets.

I mean, that's what we do at recess when it rains.

A little crazy, but I think I'm gonna use that.

Thanks, fun size.

- Hey. - Hi.

So how was dinner with the double dates?

Like being in an overturned car in a snow storm.

No, actually I take that back.

If I was in an overturned car, at least somebody would be trying to rescue me.

Nick, it wasn't that bad.

Baby, we played Usher's Dance Retribution for two hours.

Look, I'm a grown man. What do I look like playing Usher's Dance Retribution?

Well, I have the account, so maybe we won't have to do that again.

Oh, I see. It's all about that account.

Well, if you want to do something with her again, you are on your own.

Look, I am done with that dude.

Hey, Martin, can you grab that, please?

Alright.

Ooh, Steven Davis.

No.

Hello?

Why, yes, he is here.

One sec.

I think he likes you.

This is Nick.

Hey, Steve, what's up? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, I don't know, man.

I got to work.

Right.

What? New Edition?

A reunion show?

With Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, Mike, and Johnny?

Uh, okay.

Look, let me check on something.

And I'll see if I can switch something around.

All right, cool.

So what was that all about?

Well, he got tickets to a New Edition reunion show, and he invited me.

And you said no because you'd rather stick pins in your eyes

because you don't want to spend another moment with that, dude, right?

No, it's New Edition.

See, I'm gonna get something out of this.

Thought we were gonna watch the game together.

And we talked about it when I was over here last night.

- We did? - Yeah.

I said, "Are we gonna watch the game on Thursday?"

And you said, "Uh-huh,"

and I said, "I'm gonna need a verbal commitment."

Oh, and I said, "Kiss my... "Oh, yeah.

So if I ask you something, will you tell me the truth?

No.

I'm gonna lie to you, like I always have

because that's what our friendship is based on,

deception and mistrust.

Oh, I'm sorry you had to find out like this.

Do you think I spend too much time with Nick and the kids.

Yes, yes, I do.

I think you should spend as little time with them as you possibly can,

'cause isn't that the whole purpose of having a family,

so you can try to get away from them?

Are you through?

- Suzanne, I'm pregnant. - Gigi.

- Again. - Gigi.

Do you know anyone that wants to have Puerto Rican babies?

- Gigi. - Okay.

What's with all the stupid questions?

It's Danielle.

You know, she's just... She's so fabulous.

And she just makes me feel like...

What, you have a husband and two kids?

Yes, but that's no reason I should deprive myself of everything.

Now, who says you're depriving yourself?

She said I don't make myself a priority.

- Really? - Yes.

And that bothered you?

A little.

Mmm-hmm.

All right, so if you went out,

do you really think everyone would be dead when you got back?

- Yes. - Suzanne.

I'm serious.

Gigi, I don't know what they would do without me.

Well, maybe you're afraid to find out.

What's that supposed to mean?

All I'm saying is, if Ray J can take a day off,

so can you.

Hey, babe.

Hi.

Kevin, Lindsey, can you come down here, please?

Nick, I've made a decision.

Um, what the...

I need you to listen to this.

You know I love you and the kids,

but sometimes I feel like I don't do enough for myself.

So for the next couple of days,

for all intents and purposes, I'm not here.

Cool.

- What's up, mom? - You called us?

Uh, your mom's not here.

Well, I was just explaining to your dad

that I really need to take some time and spend it on myself.

So for the next couple of days, for all intents and purposes, I'm not here.

Cool.

So if Lindsey starts to get on my nerves,

and I punch her in the eye...

- I'm not here. - And after he punches me in the eye

and I get a big can of soup and I bop him upside the head...

- I'm not here. - So after she bops me upside the head

and I get a pot of hot boiling water

and dump it on her head...Not here.

So after he dumps the hot pot of boiling water on my head

and my skin starts to fall off from third degree burns,

and in a fit of rage with my last dying breath,

I choke him out...I'm not here.

Wow. I like this.

You're not here. You got it.

Awesome.

So since you're not here,

is it okay if I bring my white girl by

and we eat sweet potato pound cake

and cuddle up on the couch and watch the game?

Well, you're lucky I'm not here,

because if I were, I'd punch your white girl in the eye,

get that big can of soup and bop you upside the head,

pour a pot of hot boiling water on both of you,

and while your skin was melting off from third-degree burns,

in a fit of rage, I'd choke you both out

and then eat your pound cake.

I take that as a no.

Fifty one!

What is all this, and why are we meeting here?

Look, the show starts in 20 minutes.

Oh, we just have to wait for everybody else.

Everybody else? Why? You got our tickets, right?

Oh, uh, well, not exactly. We just need another 51 people.

For what?

See, look, I got a croupon.

It's like a ticket that's a coupon.

I just need 51 more people before we can use it.

A croupon?

Fifty!

Yeah, we're almost there.

What happens if 50 more people don't show up?

Hmm?

Guys, this information you have been giving me has been awesome.

I'm one day away from winning this bet.

So what do we get for helping you?

My eternal gratitude?

And ten bucks.

Apiece.

All right, now, what information do you have on this guy?

The kind that's gonna cost you 20 bucks each.

How about I give you 20 now and 20 when I win?

Ooh, I got one.

How about you give us 40 now,

and if you lose, that's your problem?

You know I don't like you, right?

Ooh, look, here he is.

He says, "Tonight, I'm gonna be on fire."

Good enough for me. He's in.

Ooh, I wouldn't start that guy.

What are you, crazy? He's one of the best players in the league.

Yeah, but it's his birthday.

Who wants to work on their birthday?

Dude is averaging almost 30 points a game.

Not tonight, he isn't.

All he'll be thinking about is birthday cake.

Ooh, ooh, you know what I'm thinking about?

- What, what, what? - The 40 bucks you owe us.

Pure evil.

Hey, Steve.

Nick, there must be something wrong with your phone.

I've been trying to call you all day.

What's wrong?

I think Danielle's cheating on me.

Well, I'm gonna go get us some drinks.

No.

Don't do that.

Whatever you do, don't pay for anything.

It's ladies night.

- Then how are we gonna get drinks? - Wait, I got it.

The gentlemen at that table sent these other.

Oh, thank you so much.

Thank you.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Right over there.

See? Isn't this fun?

Yeah, it's really nice.

All right, what's wrong?

Nothing's wrong, it's just that,

you know, Thursday night's usually movie night at the house.

Oh, Suzanne, see, that's your problem.

You need to establish an identity outside of your family.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Is that how it works for you and Steve?

Oh, absolutely.

He has his life, and I have mine.

Hmm.

Okay, well, I guess I am kind of hungry.

Ooh. I love this part. Okay.

You might want to move your drinks.

Oh.

Oh.

Ooh, thank you. Thank you.

You're good.

Thank you.

Hey, man, maybe it's not what you think.

Did you ask her about it?

Man, I tried, but she just keeps brushing me off.

I mean, every week it's a manicure, pedicure, hair, massage.

I mean, who's she doing all that for?

Well, I mean, maybe when she comes home tonight,

you can sit her down and tell her you need to talk to her.

She went out tonight.

Tomorrow.

She has Pilates tomorrow.

- The day after that. - That's when she gets her hair done.

- The day after that. - Face peel.

Look, man, that's on you, okay?

Just find some time.

You can't be guessing about something like that.

Did she do something to make you believe that?

Well, not specifically, but sometimes you can...

You can just tell.

Get up.

Go talk to your wife.

You're a good friend, Nick.

That's a nice shirt.

About 100% cotton?

See, wasn't that a fun time?

You know what, yes, I had a good time

But honestly, Danielle, I don't think I could do that every day.

It's not impossible.

Okay, Danielle, I want to talk to you about something.

Now, I don't want you to take this the wrong way,

but I was a little put off by you the other day

because, well, I have kids and you don't,

and it just seemed really easy for you to talk

about spending all this time on yourself

when it's just you and Steve.

And it's not the same thing.

I get it.

But just because you have a husband and kids

doesn't you have to lose yourself.

Well, that's just it, Danielle. I'm not lost.

I like my husband. I like my kids.

And truthfully, it gets a little hectic at times,

but without them, I don't feel like me.

Oh, Suzanne, I think Steve is cheating on me!

Okay, Danielle, why would you say that?

I go out.

I'm always working to keep myself looking good for him.

- I look good. Don't I look good? - You look great, yes.

And when I come home, it's like it doesn't seem to matter to him.

He just stays in his man cave, playing Usher's Dance Retribution.

Okay, Danielle, listen.

Listen.

Okay, you just need to talk to your husband.

You know, just sit down with him

and find out what's going on tonight.

- I can't. - Why not?

- He went out tonight. - How about tomorrow?

I have Pilates.

- The next day? - I have to get my hair done.

- The day after that? - Chemical face peel.

Okay, well, maybe the face peel can wait.

I could skip the face peel.

But I must have Pilates.

Hey, congratulations, man.

I heard Lebron James scored 48 points last night.

You must have won your bet.

No, I lost.

Didn't play him.

You didn't play King James?

Why?

Because your son told me it was his birthday.

Decided to go with Mike Williams instead.

- Who is Mike Williams? - Yeah.

Hey, Martin.

Ignore what I told you earlier.

I had the wrong Mike Williams on Twitter.

Turns out the guy I was looking at was a stunt man.

He was literally on fire. My bad.

You know, this is your fault.

Now I'm not gonna get those signed sneakers.

My fault?

You were spending so much time with your boyfriend

that I had to go to your children for advice.

Advice that was based on gossip, rumor,

and pointless speculation.

You need to end this today.

I know.

I need to break up with him.

Come in.

Hey, Steve. Hey, man. I got all your messages.

I was just about to call you. My hands were just...

You know what? I was really upset when I came over yesterday.

It's okay. It's all good.

Oh, uh, Martin, Steve.

Steve, Martin.

What's up?

Well, I should get going.

Do it. End it now.

Steve.

Martin.

Hey, so, uh, what's going on?

You know what? Everything's okay.

Danielle and I decided to work everything out.

That's great news. That's good.

Hey, man, look, I want to talk to you about something.

Hey, you know, before you say anything, can I go first?

You know, Nick, right now I need to concentrate on my marriage,

so that means there's gonna be less time for us.

Excuse me?

Yeah, you know, it's me, not you.

I agree. It's definitely you.

So as to, uh, you know, ease the pain,

I brought you a little something.

Don't open it now. Open it later, you'll thank me.

Hey, Steve.

There she is.

You two are good people.

Good people.

Thank you.

If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go spend some time with my woman.

You do that.

When you're ready for some Teteron.

Oh, my God.

Okay, all right, look.

That is finally over.

Honey, I'm so sorry.

I had no idea.

Well, the next time you decide to take me on a grown folks play date...

Don't.

Usher's Dance Retribution?

Are you any good at this?

Well... I can beat you.

That's for sure.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.