Original subtitles

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Okay, so here is everything for the book signing.

Okay. Let me see.

"Act Like You Think Like Your Woman's Man,

"by Dr. Harvey Cleveland."

Okay, I know I'm not supposed to judge a book by its cover,

but can I judge it by its title?

Okay, listen, I know it sounds a little suspect,

but it's actually not bad. He has a unique way of seeing things.

That wasn't the word I was thinking, but, okay, we'll go with "Unique."

- You know, I have read the book. - Mm-hmm.

And I didn't wanna like it either,

but he makes some valid arguments on how to keep a strong relationship.

And, look, there's a compatibility test.

Come on...

"Is he the Barack to your Michelle,

"the Will to your Jada,

"the Tom to your Kat?

"Take this test, and find out if you have the right balls on your court."

Okay.

I don't need to take a test

from a man who wears his suit jacket

beneath his knees.

All right, I'm gonna be at the bookstore,

setting all of this up.

See you later.

Thank you. Thank you, for my coffee.

You're welcome.

Honey, you look like you're about to go on Man vs. Wild

or Storm Chasers or American Loggers.

How much more stuff do you have to get?

We're just about done.

This camping equipment is no joke.

What is that for?

That's just in case I fall into a ravine

and have to cut my own arm off to escape.

Hey, Dad, I figured out how to build the tent.

All right.

Never mind!

Okay, why don't you kids finish getting the rest of the stuff upstairs.

Thank you.

All right, chop-chop.

We're gonna have fun!

Oh, this is gonna be good!

Sweetheart, thank you so much for doing this with them.

Are you kidding?

I never got to do stuff like this when I was a kid.

The closest we ever got to camping

was one time we were driving down to San Francisco,

and my father got sleepy and we parked at a rest stop.

Well, just be careful

because there are a lot of cougars out there.

Are you talking about mountain lions

or the other kids' mothers?

Either way, just make sure you have your pepper spray

and a big stick ready.

Get Back.

What is that?

Oh, I was thinking, before you leave on Saturday,

that we could take this fun little compatibility test.

It'll tell us how well we match up.

Why would I do that? I mean,

we match up great, that's why we got married.

- Oh, that's the phone. - Mm-hmm.

Saved by the bell.

You see how I got out of that?

That was smooth. Look at that.

Hello?

Nick, Skinner. You sitting down?

No, I'm standing up.

Sit down.

- You sitting down? - Yeah.

We need you to anchor The Sports Desk.

What?

Well, Rick Street fell and broke his leg

doing a story on a Double Dutch Competition.

I guess it's true, white man can't jump... rope.

Man, I crack myself up.

Anyway, you in?

Yeah, no problem.

Great! See you Saturday.

Huh.

What? Wait!

Saturday.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

It's just that this is really important.

And I know you guys wanna go on this trip,

but if you let me reschedule,

I promise I'll make it up to you.

You know you messed up, right?

So, can we pick how you make it up to us?

Don't try to take advantage.

Hey, I have an idea.

What if our dad takes us instead?

You want to go with Frank?

Sure, but for the record, you still owe us.

Well, why don't you guys go straighten out the living room,

and we'll talk about it.

- All right. - Cool.

Baby, I really want them to go,

but are you okay with Frank taking them?

Are you okay with it?

Well, I'll talk to him.

Thank you.

You know, maybe we should celebrate your big gig.

Mm, what do you have in mind?

Mm. Well, I was thinking that we could

cuddle up on the couch

and open up a good book

and take a little compatibility test.

No.

Nick!

"Nick" nothing.

No.

Look, you know how I know if we're not compatible?

When we're divorced.

So, what do you think?

I think all that you put into my event

is symbolic of a relationship.

That is to say that when a woman does

all that you do,

a man needs to respect all she's done.

And when he does,

that makes what she does doable.

So, have you and your man taken the compatibility test, Suzanne?

Well, uh, I'm in a solid relationship, so...

He wouldn't take the test, would he?

No, but I see his point.

We are doing fine.

Suzanne, it's not about taking the test.

It's not?

"It's about not taking the test."

Page 334.

But we're married,

so, he gets an "A,"

- as far as I'm concerned. - Mm-hmm.

"It's not about getting married," Suzanne.

Page 336.

"It's about staying married."

Page 339.

Which is it?

Is it about not taking a test

or staying married?

"Neither and both."

Page 410.

"In truth, it's not even about the answers.

"It's about being willing to be asked the questions."

Page 436.

Okay, I'm...

Harvey, I'm sure that your book and your test

have helped some people,

but I know my husband loves me,

and he doesn't want to take the test,

and I respect his decision.

And that's how they get you.

Get me how?

Suzanne, "A relationship is a power struggle."

That's page 444.

First he won't take a simple little "test."

Then he tells you what you should eat.

Then he tells you

what you should do for fun.

And next thing you know, boom.

"Boom"? What "boom"?

That's what I'll be discussing in my next book,

What Happened to Me and My Man?

Whoo! I'm glad you are home.

Which one?

For what?

My anchor gig.

Oh, then, I think that one.

Are you sure?

It's not too in your face? It doesn't say...

"Look at me,

"I'm the replacement sports anchor,

"check me out, here I am... "Nick.

If you didn't want my opinion, why did you even ask me?

Ooh, okay. This one's great.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

It's just that book signing was a bit draining.

Aw, come on. Sit down and relax, baby.

I ordered us some Korean barbecue.

I was just going to pick it up.

Oh, and by the way,

I got us a movie to watch tonight too. True Grit.

Oh.

So, is that how it works now?

We eat what you want to eat,

and we watch what you want to watch?

Oh, baby, it's dinner and a movie.

It's not a power struggle.

Look, why don't you relax and take a bath,

and I'll be back in a half an hour.

What if I don't want to relax and take a bath?

What if I want to stay tense and dirty?

Well, then that's the True Grit experience.

Baby, I'm playing...

Look, you do what you want to do, okay?

I love you.

I'll be back.

Mm.

"Harvey Cleveland, The Compatibility Test."

Oh, my God!

You won't believe what happened.

I went to the grocery store, right?

Because I ran out of ice. And you know how much I hate the grocery store.

Anyway, this guy comes up to me and...

What are you doing?

Oh, uh, I'm refreshing my email.

See, I took Harvey's Compatibility Test,

and you're supposed to get the results within 12 to 16 hours,

and I took the test 14 hours ago, so...

What? Wow!

Okay, how did you get Nick to take it?

Oh, I didn't. I took it for him.

Okay, stop that.

Why are you obsessed with this test?

I didn't see the cracks in my relationship with Frank

until it was too late,

and I'm not letting that happen again.

I love Nick, and I'm not going to let him go,

so I will take this test

and every other test if I have to.

Why are you letting this man tell you what to do?

He is a doctor!

He was a dentist

who polished some guy's teeth,

did a podcast, and now he's telling you how to live you life!

- The test results are in. - Oh, my God.

"Thank you, Suzanne,

"for taking the Act Like You Think Like Your Woman's Man Compatibility Test.

"After careful review,

"my suggestion, based on the answers of you and your spouse,

"is that you should get a lawyer."

It could it be worse. It could say, "Don't go home."

You took it.

Well, well, well.

If it ain't "Mr. Muscles for no reason."

How you doing, Frank?

I'm doing great, bruh. How you doing?

Calling me up all late and everything,

last minute. What's going on?

I need a favor.

What?

You need a what? A favor?

So what's the problem, bruh? What happened?

All the Muscle Milks you've been drinking

finally done blew out your kidneys, huh? You need a donor, huh?

Well, guess what,

my blood is RX negative. I can't help you.

Look, man, it's not for me.

It's for the kids.

See, I was supposed to take the kids camping this weekend,

but I got called in to work, so I can't go.

So the kids were hoping

that maybe you might be able to take them.

I can't really believe what I'm hearing right now.

You actually telling me that Superman...

Superman... let the kids down?

It's Superman!

Up, up in the sky!

It's a bird. It's a plane.

It's a black man.

It's Superman.

Well, welcome down to planet Earth.

Mr. Johnny-on-the-spot

couldn't make it to the spot, huh?

You know what? I just should have told the kids no,

instead of letting them get their hopes up, man.

Hold on, hold up, Mr. Creatine, hold up.

Hold up, hold up.

I love my kids, and, yes, I will take them camping.

Just got to get a few things together,

some camping supplies and what have you.

I got everything you need. You can borrow mine.

Borrow yours?

You can't borrow another man's camping equipment.

Sleeping in another man's sleeping bag is like

sleeping in another man's drawers.

I got my own drawers, bruh,

multiple colors,

some of them even edible,

some of them half-consumed.

And by judging by the size of your head,

that sleeping bag of yours is probably all stretched out anyway, man.

I'd probably get up in there and smell like, you know,

Jack LaLanne's tomb or something, man.

Free-form amino acids,

B12, Zinc,

chelated and otherwise.

You gonna do it?

Yeah, I'm gonna do it.

Thank you.

See you later, steroid!

Okay, can you make sure

that you set up the wine tasting tomorrow for 2:00 p.m.?

Good morning, ladies.

Good morning.

- One for the queen. - Thank you.

And one for the lady-in-waiting.

I'm not waiting on you.

You know, I brought you ladies orange roses

'cause they symbolize enthusiasm,

desire, and they are an expression

of fervent romance.

Hmm. Is that what they mean?

Harvey?

Can I ask you something?

Is it something that isn't covered in my book?

"What would you ask your man,

"if he asked you to ask him anything?"

Okay, well, let's say that a woman

wants to talk to her man

about something that's bothering her.

- Like what? - Just something she's concerned about.

Well, "If a man isn't concerned with what concerns his woman,

"that's cause for concern."

That's in my previous book,

Act Like Your Man Thinks like a Woman.

You know, in chapter seven,

you'll see a form of communication called the "I" Technique.

The "I" Technique.

People get defensive when you say "You."

They think you're blaming them for something.

Their walls go up.

You should try to phrase your communication in terms of "I,"

and their walls will go down.

Now, I'll show you.

I think you're gorgeous.

I would like to go to dinner with you.

You said not to use "You."

You got defensive.

I did not get defensive.

I was just pointing it out.

I understand.

Is 7:00 okay?8:00.

I will send a car.

I, will get in.

Now let's take a look at the scoreboard.

In the east, the Yankees came on strong in the final innings

to take down the Bosox 3-2.

Across town, the Mets gave up three runs in the final inning and fell to the Cubs.

I'm Nick Kingston-Persons,

and there's my beautiful wife.

Hey, baby.

What are you doing?

I'm practicing. What's up?

Nothing's up.

I was just thinking we could talk.

Uh-oh.

It's not another test?

No, Nick. Look,

when you...

When I realized that you weren't...

Okay, this isn't easy.

What isn't easy?

I want to talk

to the other person in the room besides me.

- Me? - Yes.

But I have to do it

without saying the word that indicates the other person.

- Me. - No,

the other word I would say.

"You"?Yes! Me.

No, I'm asking. Is that the word?

Yes. So,

I was unhappy

that the compatibility test wasn't taken

by the other person in the room other than me.

- Me. - Yes!

But the test

has to be taken by both people in the relationship.

- Us. - Yes!

But since I was upset,

I decided to take the test anyway for myself

and for the other person in the room besides me.

- Me. - Yes!

And we failed.

Wait, how did "We" fail and you the one that took the test?

Nick!

The whole point of having this conversation

is to say the word "I"

and not put the blame on the other person

by using that other word.

Well, why would the other person in the room do that?

Because I thought

that I knew the other person in the room

well enough to do that.

So, now,

the other person in the room other than me

is mad at the other person in the room other than you.

I am not mad, and you're not supposed to say "You!"

Baby!

I was just playing with the other person in the room other than me!

Why didn't you just take the test?

It's the principle.

Every day I'm in this relationship, it's a test.

Do I like the way she looks? Test.

Do I like her cooking? Test.

Am I good with the kids? Test.

Do I make enough money? Test.

Just do it, man.

The questions seem easy enough.

"What's her astrological sign?"

"How much do you love animals?"

"How much do you love children?"

"Can you tell the difference between animals and children?"

What are you supposed to find out by doing all this stuff?

Your wife finds out

you're willing to do a bunch of stupid crap to make her happy.

That's the point of getting married.

So I don't have to do all that junk.

No, the point of getting married is,

you only have to do it with one person.

I, on the other hand, have to do it with an assortment of people.

On Monday, I had to do stupid crap with Karen,

on Tuesday with Darlene,

Wednesday with seven-Eleven girl,

and Friday with what's-her-face.

What about Thursday?

Thursday is my day of rest.

Well, that's your fault, not mine.

Man, your wife loves you.

It's a dumb test. Just take it.

Do you have any idea how many times I've had to see Eat Pray Love?

They should rename that movie Slit My Throat.

What if we fail?

Then you get divorced.

We're not getting divorced.

Then what's the problem?

You can get out now.

Hello?

Nick, it's Skinner.

Are you sitting down?

No. Sit down.

Okay.

Are you sitting down now?

Yeah.

You're not sitting down, are you?

Good. I'm gonna have to bench you this weekend.

- Street is back in the game. - What?

Ah, they threw a splint on him, hopped him up on some Vicodin.

They're just gonna shoot him from the waist up.

He's good to go.

Sorry, Nick.

Listen, I gotta run,

my wife wants me to watch Eat Pray Love. Ooh!

No problem.

Sorry, man.

But, hey, look at the bright side,

now you have time to take this test.

Did you hear that?

Hear what?

It's outside.

Come here. Come here. Look.

Oh, my God, look at that.

Okay, so please remember to wear plenty of sunscreen.

And watch out for the poison oak and poison ivy.

You guys remember the rhyme, right?

Yeah. Ahem.

Leaves of three, let it be.

A hairy vine is no friend of mine.

Yay!

And the militiamen are not your friend.

Nick, you're scaring them.

No, I think that's a very good one.

See?

Oh, my God, looking good, boy.

Hello, hello, hello.

Has anybody seen my friends Lewis and Clark?

- Dad! - Dad!

Hey!

There you are, my little seeds.

- Hi, Daddy. - Y'all ready to have some fun?

- Oh, yeah. - That's what I'm talking about.

Okay, Frank, here's a list of the other parents' numbers.

And you have ours in case you need anything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll be fine, you know.

Y'all ready to go climb that mountain?

- Let's do it. - Yeah!

Let's go have some fun, get it going.

All right. Frank,

please be careful.

I will be careful.

And you be careful, too.

And, you, could you do me a favor and say "Cheese"?

Cheese.

Ah, yes!

What's that for?

What's it for? We're going up in the mountains, man. I ain't got no gun.

So, I figure a picture of your face

is the next best weapon I can bring.

It'll scare away Billy Goats, mountain lions,

bears, cougars, German shepherds,

Rottweilers, earthworms,

all the birds at the trees. I mean,

we good to go. And if it gets cold,

I can even point it at some sticks,

and they'll burst into flames.

Y'all have a ugly time.

Hmm, very interesting.

Okay.

I know you're not actually reading a Harvey Cleveland book.

You know, as much as I wanna hate this dude,

he has a few good points.

But, dude, the suits!

Seriously. I mean, where is your horn section?

Mom, Nick, we're home.

Oh!

- Hey! - Hey, guys.

How was your trip?

Oh, it was so much fun.

We saw deer and foxes.

And we even got cornered by a mountain lion.

You had a run-in with a mountain lion?

It was real scary,

all until

I pulled out a picture of Nick.

That mountain lion turned white as a sheet

and broke his back legs trying to get up out of there.

Okay, okay.

Well, it sounds to me like you guys had a really good time.

Why don't you two go get cleaned up?

And I'll make you a nice home-cooked meal.

- See you, Daddy. - Mm-hmm.

Frank, I really appreciate you stepping in.

Yeah, Frank, thanks.

Thank you for letting me do that, bruh.

All right.

Oh, yeah, uh...

Got a little something-something for you there.

What's this?

Little citation I got.

You know, I inadvertently left your picture face up on the picnic table,

and they gave me a citation for creating a public nuisance.

Your face, your fine.

Catch you later.

Baby,

I printed out the results of our compatibility test.

You wanna see how we did?

- Yeah. - You nervous?

- Yeah. - Here we go.

Bam!

"Renew your vows."

I take it that's good.

Oh, honey, that is very, very,

very good.

You know we compatible, girl.

Look at this,

you just fit right in here.