Original subtitles

Hey, Mom.

Hey, Lindsey.

Mom, do you know any stories of any interesting relatives in your family?

Uh, let's see...

Oh, there was Cousin Isaac. We called him Izzy.

Oh, really? What's his story?

That was it. His name was Isaac, and we called him Izzy.

He did do something important once,

but nobody would tell me what it was,

and he went to jail.

Hey, you know,

I know this story about a boy

who had a sister who was half girl, half dog.

And I know a story about a girl

who punched her brother in the face

and gave him two swollen eyes.

Okay, enough.

What is this for, anyway?

I have to write about an interesting relative for my English class.

Oh.

Well, your father has a bunch of old family photo albums.

Maybe you can find somebody interesting on his side of the family.

Wow. That's a really good idea. Thanks.

Hey, you know, if that doesn't work,

I know another story about this kid...

Say another word, and I will spit in your ear.

By the time Mom gets over here, it'll be too late.

Thanks, Mom.

Oh, you're welcome.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Hey, thanks for coming over

and doing my blog for me, Ray.

Hey, man, I just want to get as much attention

for my charity as I possibly can.

We got this real big event coming up.

Music, comedy, a celebrity basketball game,

a fashion show and a pancake breakfast.

Throw in Tom Joyner,

and you could put all that on a cruise.

Yes, it's for the kids.

But I'm telling you, I'm having the hardest time

pulling it all together, man. Seriously.

You know what, you should talk to my wife.

She plans stuff like this all the time.

Hello.

- And there she is. - Here I am.

Suzanne, this is star first baseman Ray Savage.

Ray, this my wife, Suzanne.

- Hi. - Oh, it's nice to meet you.

All right, now, is that Suzanne

with a "Z" or an "S"?

Ah, a "Z."

Mmm.

I like the "Zs."

You're a lucky man, Nick.

Lucky man.

You know, I know you.

I've seen you in those commercials with the kids.

Yeah, that's kind of my thing.

You know, George Clooney is for helping out Africa.

Sting is for saving the rainforests.

And Sean Penn, you know, he's for helping out them Haitians.

Me? I'm for the kids.

Hey, babe, are we still going

to the movie on Wednesday night?

Oh, yeah. We're good.

Okay, 'cause I was just looking at the review.

Check it out. Four stars.

- I can't wait. - All right, bye.

Oh, whoa. Wait, wait.

Um, Ray is putting together

this huge charity event,

and, uh, it sounds like he could use your help.

Oh, okay.

Well, I will get your information from Nick,

and I'll have my assistant, Gigi, give you call

and schedule something and discuss consultation fees.

- Fees? - Yeah.

I do it for money, not for the kids.

Ha!

Oh, and this is my mother with Granny V

at a Negro League Baseball Game.

One of her boyfriends played for the San Francisco Sea Lions.

What's that in her hand?

Oh, that's an early version of the number one finger.

It was made entirely of wood.

Wood?

Yeah, Styrofoam was too expensive back then.

You know, a lot of people say Granny V was ahead of her time.

Why'd they say that?

Have you ever heard of Madam C. J. Walker?

No. Who's she?

Well, she was the first woman millionaire.

Wow, she was like the first Oprah.

- Yeah. - Was Granny V her partner?

Oh, no, no.

Granny V was the first woman to borrow $20,000 from her.

She was more like the first Gayle.

Anyway, she had this great idea for a shop

where people could get eyeglasses in an hour.

Now, at the time, nobody thought it would work.

- Did it? - No.

She lost every dime.

And madam C. J. Walker never spoke to her again.

Wow.

Yeah, she was pretty special.

Wow, this is the weirdest-looking white guy I have ever seen.

Yeah, that's Nick's great Uncle Blackie.

And he wasn't white. He was an albino.

Then why'd they call him Blackie?

Because if they didn't, everybody would have thought he was white.

Oh, he's kind of like the first The Rock.

Special.

Hey, man. Here's your package.

Man, you got your feet up on my...

What the hell?

Martin.

Martin! Are you okay?

He can't hear you.

What you lookin' at here

is the latest in advanced field-interrogation apparati.

It's not just a box on his head?

No, it's not.

It's the all-new, portable sensory-deprivation chamber.

Oh, God. Free at last.

They use that thing on people?

Not if you tell us what we need to know.

Hey, man.

Thanks for signing for my package.

Why are you having all this stuff sent to my house, anyway?

You think I'm crazy enough to let people know my address?

Or is it that the post office doesn't deliver to a windowless black van?

How you know it's black?

Okay, so what's in that one?

Oh, that's just some socks.

Argyle.

What's that?

- What? What could it be? - What is what?

So lame.

So, Suzanne is meeting up with Ray Savage, huh?

Yeah. Why?

Let's just say my man has a bit of a reputation,

and that Sandra Bullock would do well to stay away from it.

Yeah, well, Suzanne's just doing business with him.

Hey, I'm just saying, keep your eye on that guy.

Good morning.

Hey, baby.

I saved you some breakfast.

The kids left for school already.

Thank you.

I didn't realize it was so late.

Hmm.

What time did you get in last night?

I don't know. Around midnight.

Oh, that was a long meeting.

Well, I guess you guys got everything pretty much figured out.

Nick, I know you don't want to admit this,

but you should just say it, "I am jealous."

I am not jealous.

If it makes you feel any better, Ray was the perfect gentleman.

All he did all night was talk about the kids.

At a hotel lounge at 1:00 in the morning.

I was not there at 1:00 in the morning.

Well, you weren't here.

Yes, I was.

So, you do know what time you came in.

Yes, after you were asleep and before 1:00 a.m.

I can't believe you.

Oh, you can't believe me?

What if I was the one coming in at who knows what time?

After 12:00 and before 1:00.

In a hotel lobby with some strange woman?

That I introduced you to.

Well, what difference does it make how I met her?

I wouldn't introduce you to somebody that I was worried about you being around.

Well, what if you didn't get worried

until after I was around her?

And why would I be worried?

Because I came home after 12:00 and before 1:00,

when I said I'd be back by 10:00.

And, yeah, I'm jealous.

Okay, so at 6:00 p.m,

we'll have the celebrity basketball game.

And that should give us enough time to open

the doors at 9:30 for the comedy show.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

You think we can get Wanda Sykes?

You think we can get a big, fat check?

Bob Saget'll work.

Suzanne, can you come over here and take a look at this web page?

Uh, just send me a link.

You know, I don't know how to do that.

- I'll help you with that, baby. - No, thank you.

Suzanne, I really need you to come look at it.

Flowers for Mrs. Kingston-Persons.

Oh, thank you.

So...

What's this?

Ah, my check.

Oh.

Thank you. But it's missing a zero.

Uh, you know what, I think you might have to earn that.

If I work too hard,

you're not gonna be able to afford me.

So, Gigi, what'd you want to...

Did you see where Gigi went?

I wasn't watching her.

I was watching you.

Okay.

Sure.

So, when will you need me to pick that up?

Hello?

So, can you explain to me exactly

what it is you're trying to do?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

No, uh, uh, I'm sorry.

It's just, it's a little too close for comfort.

Yeah.

Well, I understand your concern,

but I don't think that's gonna be an issue.

Yeah, well, I just want you to know,

I've done a full background check,

and it turns out not only is the client married to another firm,

but he's doing business with several

small companies around town.

Yes.

Yeah, I just don't think this is a relationship we want to continue.

Well, I've got everything under control,

and I'm gonna wrap this up in a couple of days,

and I'll talk to you then, okay?

All right. Thanks so much for calling.

Bye-bye.

Yeah, okay.

Okay. Yeah.

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, I just want you to know

that I'm not happy with the situation.

Right.

Yeah, and I can't promise to keep my mouth closed.

Right. Okay.

All right. Bye-bye.

Gigi, what'd you want to show me?

I sent you the link.

Ladies, as much as I've enjoyed the pleasure of your company,

I have a stadium to fill and bases to steal.

Oh, that's too bad. Let me get your jacket.

- I didn't bring one. - Take one, anyway.

- Uh, I'll text you later. - Bye.

Bye!

- Yeah. - B-Y-E.

Bye.

And then, in 1956, Granny V lost her house

and moved into a retirement home

after spending her entire savings

in an attempt to market water sold in plastic bottles.

What do you think so far?

Boring.

What you should do is write that report on somebody

who's ten times more interesting,

more dynamic, mysterious and handsome.

Like who?

Like me.

Well, I guess it's not too late.

Do you mind if I ask you some questions to start?

Shoot.

When were you born?

I was born on the 127th day in the Chinese year of the Yang Metal dog.

Can you give me a number?

Forty-six sixty-seven.

Dang, aren't they teaching y'all anything in school?

What's your middle name?

I don't want to tell you.

Is that top-secret, too?

No. I just don't like it.

Is there anything you can tell me?

Lindsey, I told you enough, all right?

I told you I have a middle name.

I told you my birthday.

You know I'm your uncle. You still can't write it?

Look, I once had to do a report, 300 pages,

off of a severed ear I found in the sand, using the severed ear.

Tell me, could Granny V do that?

- Mmm-mmm. - Uh-uh.

Now, when you finish your report on me,

I need to look at that because I might have to redact a few things,

you know what I mean? I told you enough.

Tell your father thanks for the package.

What is in that, anyway?

Oh, this is a sonic annihilator.

What's a sonic annihilator do?

It delivers an incapacitating,

seemingly silent shot of sound

- to any hostile target. - Mmm.

It's the latest in non-lethal close combat.

Watch this. Kevin!

Hey, Uncle Ter...

Oh, my God.

Is he gonna be okay?

Uh, yeah, you know what,

just wrap him up in a Snuggie

and don't tell your mom I was here.

Uh...

What's that?

Yeah, I forgot my keys.

What's that?

Two pizzas, 20 minutes.

Cool.

Ooh-whee.

Look at you. You look amazing.

Thank you, honey.

You look nice, too. Where are you going?

I'm going out with you.

Dinner, movies.

Four stars, remember?

Oh, Nick. I'm so sorry.

I forgot. Can we reschedule?

You forgot we were going out?

I forgot.

Then, why are you dressed like that?

I told Ray I would meet him and his partners again tonight

so we could finalize everything.

Dressed like that?

Where's the meeting? Vegas?

Nick.

It's at a restaurant.

Does your dress know that?

Nick, stop it.

I don't have to stop it.

Look, when you didn't like women I was working with,

you were ready to go upside people's heads

and put bullets in their behinds.

That was different.

How?

Okay, that wasn't different.

But, Nick, if you just give me a chance to finalize everything tonight,

after that, I promise, I am all yours.

Okay.

You go ahead.

But while you at dinner,

I want you to think of something.

What's that?

Me, here, hungry, alone and sad,

watching a one-star movie.

Okay, now, that's low.

Not lower than me.

Oh, my God.

Have fun.

I'll take another one, please, and one for her, too.

Uh, no, actually.

Thank you. I'm fine.

Yes, you are.

Thanks.

Come on. Loosen up. Let's have some fun.

You know, Ray, I like having fun as much the next person,

but I'm actually here to discuss business.

Okay, Ivanka Trump.

Let's discuss business, all right?

- Okay, thank you. - Business.

So, I was thinking we could get all the local food restaurants

to sponsor food tents,

and that way, they could... What ...

What are you doing?

I couldn't see your face when you were talking.

You want to go somewhere where there's more light?

I was thinking someplace with less light.

Can we bring your wife?

She's with the kids.

Ooh! Hey, my boy's got a table at the club.

Let's roll over there, and we can talk on the way.

Ray, I'm not going to a club with you.

Come on, Suzanne Kingston-Persons.

Look, if we're gonna discuss business,

we gotta hit this club, and we got to hit it right.

Let's ride. I see ride in your eyes.

Are you rolling or not? Come on.

I'll take "or not" for $20.

Girl, quit playing.

Hey, I'll text you the address.

No, serious... I'll see you there.

Hey, babe.

Hey.

What are you doing here so early?

I didn't expect to see you till the morning.

Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I was wrong.

Well, I hope you got all your work done.

I hate to think I was sitting here

sad and lonely for nothing.

Okay, Nick, stop it.

Nick, Ray hit on me.

Really? You mean to tell me you met a guy in a dark place

late at night in a sexy dress and he hit on you?

Really? I'm shocked.

In other news, ice cream is cold.

You're not mad, are you?

A little bit. How am I supposed to feel?

Disappointed, but proud of me

that as soon as I realized what was happening,

I got out there and came home.

Nah, I'm gonna stick with mad.

So, what, now?

Well, tomorrow I'll have Ray come to the office.

I'll return his deposit, and I'll tell him I can't take the job.

Good.

'Cause you have a lot of work to do at home.

When do I start?

Right after the game goes off.

After the game?

Yeah, unless you want me to be sad.

Good morning, everybody.

Hey, Dad.

Knock, knock.

Hey, Terrence.

Hey, Dick.

- Where's baby sis? - Here I am.

Look, we need to talk.

- Okay. - About what?

First of all, I think you need to get these kids out of here,

'cause this is grown-folk business.

Kevin, Lindsey, please go finish getting ready for school.

Okay.

Kevin, get moving.

Good morning.

Boy, what is wrong with your hearing?

Hey, Kevin.

You gotta get ready for school, now.

Oh, okay.

I'll catch ya later.

Oh, calculator? Yes, in the drawer.

- What is wrong with that boy? - I don't know.

It's them damn Dr. Dre headphones you bought him.

I told you they was too loud.

Okay, so what is going on, Terrence?

You tell me.

What's this I hear about you all up in the club,

getting close and personal with Ray Savage?

You know what, is this any of your business?

- You my baby sis, right? - Yeah.

And you knew about this, man?

It's not what you think.

Suzanne was there for work.

I guess he had some other ideas.

But I came home, and I told my husband, Nick.

Okay? Are you happy?

No. I'm not happy.

All right? I got a reputation.

I can't have my little sister's name dragged through the streets.

Hey, man. Don't worry about that.

Look, you can't stop people from talking,

especially when they don't know what they're talking about.

I know that's right,

'cause I done brought down more than a few people

with my campaigns of misinformation.

You heard about Mubarak?

- You did that? - Did what?

Nothing.

I got your package.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks, man.

This should be the last one.

What in the world?

Oh, whoa.

What is that?

I can't tell you, but it's not socks.

Man, you're a better man than me, Trick.

Look, man, if my wife was in the club with some dude

and he was pushing all on her, man, I don't know what I'd do.

Let's just hope you wouldn't have done whatever you was gonna do

with whatever's in that package.

- Ah, man, this ain't gonna do nothing to you. - Whoa, whoa.

This ain't nothing but a blow-dryer.

See y'all later.

Hey, good morning, ladies.

Hi, Ray.

We gonna get down to some business?

You know, we could have took care of this last night.

I'm sorry, but we're not going to be able to coordinate your event.

Oh, well, I thought this was a done deal.

Well, it's not.

Well, then, what have we been doing for the past few days, then?

I was about to ask you the same question.

Whoa.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, wow.

You aren't going to actually stand there

and act like you don't know why you've been inviting

my wife out to clubs and dinners and hotels

for the past few days?

Really, Ray? Are you gonna come at me like that?

Hey, man.

I was doing it for the kids.

You know what, man, I think you better go,

'cause what I'm about to do

ain't got nothing to do with the kids.

- Oh? - Yeah.

Oh.

Are you threatening me?

He just said what he about to do

ain't got nothing to do with the kids.

What part of "ain't for the kids" don't you understand?

It's time for you to go.

I've been hit by a pitch before.

- Call me. - Bye.

- Tweet me. - Bye.

- Facebook. - Bye.

- Skype. - Bye.

Hey, brother.

- BBM. - Bye.

Even after she moved into a retirement home,

Granny V remained as active as ever.

In 1955, after eating a dinner of barbecued ribs,

Granny V complained that there wasn't enough meat on the bones

and wrote a letter o the butcher.

Afterwards, she became a local spokesperson

for their new-and-improved meatier ribs,

when her slogan, "Where's the pork?"

became the tag-line on their radio and TV ads.

Very good.

Nice job.

Wow. Oh, sweetheart, that was just beautiful.

Your Granny V would be so honored.

And thanks so much, Marilyn.

I couldn't have done any of this without your help.

Oh, baby, you are so welcome.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

there seems to be a hole in the bottom of my glass.

Lindsey, that was a very well-written essay.

Thanks, Dad.

- I'm proud of you. - Thanks.

Wow.

She did a great job on that paper.

I know.

Too bad none of it was true.

What?

You lied to Lindsey?

Embellished.

Well, what was I gonna do?

She needed help with her paper. What was I gonna tell her?

My Granny V was a big, fat liar?

Spent her last few years in the crazy house?

Ma, you never told me that.

I didn't? Well, sorry.

But, in my defense,

everything I told her was stuff that people told me

until I got older and other people told me it wasn't true,

which I am now telling you,

which you can tell her one day.

Anyway, let me know what grade she gets.

And if there's trouble at school, don't call me.