Original subtitles

I said to leave him alone.

Who gonna make me?

Okay, are you serious right now?

You're like one of those bullies from one of those old '80s movies,

and not even a good one like Breakfast Club.

I mean a bad one like Zapped!

What you tryin' to say?

He's saying it sucked.

Oh!

Just leave him alone.

You mean your boyfriend?

Oh! Or should I say your "Troyfriend?"

Oh!

See, since you want to talk about movies,

maybe your favorite movie is Kiss of the Spider Woman.

Don't you mean Spider-Man?

No, punk,

spider woman, starring William Hurt and Raul Julia.

See, not only am I gonna kick your butt,

I'm gonna do it using '80s movies so you got a point of reference.

Don't touch me.

Don't you mean "Don't touch me again"?

I said don't touch me.

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Nice hat, Freakazoid.

It's called an ushanka. It's Russian.

It's Russian for "Freakazoid."

Actually, Freakazoid in Russian would be Freakazoid,

because it's an American slang with no Slavic equivalent.

Ooh, droppin' the linguistics.

We about to get straight up colloquial up in this bad boy, son.

You ain't said nothing.

You act like don't nobody know what colloquial means.

It means you all up in the Kool-Aid and don't know the flavor.

You better get out of here before your head blows up from thinking too hard.

If it does, we can clean it up with this hat.

What's it made out of? Rat hair and crazy glue.

Actually, it's made out of your mom's back hair.

Ooh!

What? Where did they come from?

Don't worry about it.

Ooh!

Who are they?

They're instigators.

Any time there's about to be a fight, they show up and try to instigate, chump.

Ooh!

Well, we're not fighting, because Troy didn't mean that. Now say you're sorry.

Too late. The instigators are already here.

Do they know that your mom's back is so hairy

that when she shaved it, there was enough to make this hat?

Ooh!

And in case you're too dumb to know, that hair thing was an insult,

because a woman's back is supposed to be smooth.

Ooh!

- You know what else is gonna be smooth? - What?

The way I walk out of here after I smack you and the hat back to Moscow.

Ooh!

Come on, man, he didn't mean that.

So what are you now, a Thesaurus?

He say something, then you tell me what it mean?

Actually, that would be a dictionary.

Shut up, kickstand.

Ooh!

And I meant it loosely in the sense that

an entire phrase could be construed with one meaning

and he would substitute it for another meaning.

I know, and the usage is still wrong,

because what he's doing is giving you an accurate meaning

separate from the one you understood, a.k. a. defining it, punk.

Sit down, man.

That's what I thought, punk one and punk two.

Let's get on up out of here.

And if you didn't know, that was a colloquialism.

What are you doing?

He started it. What was I supposed to do,

not say anything?

Yes, because he will punch you,

in the face and that hurts.

You don't have to worry about me. I can handle myself.

Fine then. Handle yourself.

I'll have you know I handle myself all the time,

but not in a synonymous way.

- Hey, Lindsey. - Hey, Mom.

Uh, can you bring down your dirty clothes?

I'm gonna do your laundry later.

Oh, no, that's okay. I'm doing my laundry right now.

Since when did you start doing your own laundry?

I don't know. You're always talking about

how we don't do enough work around the house, so I'm helping.

Mm-hmm. What do you want?

Nothing.

- Right. Money? - No.

- You want to go out? - No.

- Is there a warrant out for your arrest? - No.

- Are you pregnant? - No. Mom!

All right, so you're just doing your own laundry

- because you wanted to clean your own clothes. - Yes.

All right.

All these years, I thought I was talking to myself. Give me some.

Nice.

You're definitely not pregnant?

Yes. Yes, I am, and, you know,

I was hoping you'd be so focused on me doing my own laundry,

you wouldn't notice that I had a baby.

Look, man, don't call me again.

Yeah, you gonna see what's gonna happen.

You don't know my mother, and I'ma tell her what you said.

What the heck was that about?

Man, somebody put my number on the internet.

Now every fool that disagrees with something I said on my blog, is calling me.

See, that's good.

You're like the Bill O'Reilly of Pacific Northwest Internet sports dorks.

Just ignore the calls.

Don't get me started on these crazy women and their pictures.

Oh, there's another one.

Ooh. So this is her way of protesting your sports commentary?

Man, I need to get a sports blog.

What are you doing?

Forwarding it to myself.

Then can you delete it, please?

Ta-da.

Thank you.

- May I? - Go ahead.

Hello?

You know, it's fascinating you ask that,

because I'm actually doing that to your sister as we speak.

You know what, let me ask your mom

when she gets out of the shower,

and I'll get back to you, all right? Hello?

Guess we won't be hearing from her anymore.

That was just one. They keep calling.

Now, see, what you need is a personal assistant to handle your phone calls.

I can't afford an assistant.

No, I'm talking about a virtual assistant.

I use one all the time.

Here, call me.

Hey, not me.

Hello?

You have a call from...

It's Sarah, Martin.

Now, see, if I wanted to connect, I would say "One. "VIRTUAL ASSISTANT: Connected.

But I don't, so I'll say "Two, " and I'll send Sarah straight to skank mail.

Martin, who are you talking to?

It's Nick, Sarah.

I'm not stupid, Martin. I heard you talking to somebody.

You've been sending me to skank mail all this time?

No habla espanol.

You call back later. Martin no speak no English.

I know what you're trying to do, so tell your little girlfriend

she can quit disguising her voice and the two of you can go...

So that's how that works.

'Sup, babel fish?

Just gonna leave me hangin'?

Man, what's up with your boy?

Why do you hang out with that dude?

Nothing's "up" with him. He's my friend.

I like that. You got his back.

But if you really had his back,

you wouldn't let him walk out of the house with that hat on.

You ain't a absolute punk like I thought.

Maybe we should hang out some time.

I don't think that's such a good idea.

But you don't know if it's a bad idea.

I guess.

All right, then. Catch you later.

That a cheese stick?

Yeah.

Yeah. Let me get that.

Washed, dried. Not bad, Lindsey.

Now, please pick the hold music for your virtual assistant.

Yeah, that's it.

Working?

I was just picking the hold music for my new virtual assistant.

Virtual assistant?

Yeah, helps me deal with all these crazy people calling my phone.

Oh, that's nice. What do you know about these?

Hmm. These are nice. When'd you get these?

They aren't mine.

Well, they ain't mine.

And I don't know where they came from.

So I suggest you go back to where you found 'em

and wait for the owner to show up,

and they will tell you that I don't have nothing to do with them.

I found them in Lindsey's laundry.

Well, why aren't you asking Lindsey these questions?

How would you like it if I came down to your job

with a pair of men's drawers talking about, "What do you know about these?"

Nick, I wouldn't like it,

but I would assure you that I had nothing to do with it just like you did.

But that's not the point.

What you should have said was,

"I found a thong in Lindsey's laundry. Where's Lindsey?"

I had to be sure.

Mm-hmm. Scaring people like that.

What is wrong with you, man?

All right, calm down.

No.

Hello? You have a call from...

- LeBron James. - Ho Ho!

To answer this call, say "One."

One!

LeBron James?

I have been calling his agent

for weeks trying to get this interview.

It's funky. I like it.

Connecting.

Oh. Hello?

Hey, yo, is this Nick?

Yeah, LeBron?

Nah, man, this is "D."

"D" who?

Deez nu...

Wow.

How much did that cost?

What's up?

What are you doing here?

Said you wanted to hang, right? Let's hang.

Hang this up.

I'm not supposed to have people over without telling my parents.

Ah, they ain't talking about kids, dawg.

They're talking about girls and creepy white dudes off the internet.

I'm cool.

Mm.

There enough pillows on this couch for two more couches.

Who your daddy, the pillow king?

Uh, no.

Well, whatever he do, y'all is ballin'.

You got any cheese sticks?

I need some cheese sticks.

Come on, help me find some cheese sticks.

Yo, what's up, ma?

Ew. Kevin, does Mom know you have company?

No.

Well, you better tell her, or he needs to leave.

What's goin' on there, lookin' like a fun sized Beyonce.

Beyonce?

Hey, what happened to my last cheese stick?

Baby bro ate that.

I did not.

Whatever.

Good things come to those who wait.

Yo, check this.

Uh, I don't think I'm supposed to be looking at those types of websites.

Don't even worry about it. I'll clear the history.

Hey, Kev.

Hey, Dad.

Who is this?

Oh, this is Jason. We go to school together.

What's up, big man?

It's Mr. Kingston-Persons, son.

Does your mother know you have company?

No, he just stopped by. We're gonna go over some homework.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry, Jason, but you got to go.

Kevin's not allowed to have company without permission.

No problem. I was fit to bounce anyway, big dawg.

- All right. - All right, bro.

What you standing there? Go get my jacket.

Go, man. Hurry up, before your daddy come back.

Mm-hmm.

Lindsey.

Yeah, Mom?

What is all this?

You went in my drawers?

No, I went in my drawers.

See, they may be in your room,

but everything in this house belongs to me,

and I had no idea I had all these crazy drawz in my drawers.

Why are you spying on me?

Because, Lindsey, you have a pair of panties

that say "Bonus round" on the back, okay?

You are way too young, sweetheart, to be wearing underwear like this.

Why? It's just underwear.

Okay, sweetheart, it's not just underwear.

They're women's underwear, and you're not a woman.

Now, what happened to all your regular panties.

They gave me panty lines.

They're supposed to, so people know you have panties on.

Lindsey, you go to school to make your mind more attractive,

not your tiny little behind.

They're just underwear.

I wear them because I like them.

I think they're funny, but obviously you don't.

So what kind of underwear do you want me to wear?

These.

- Mom, you forgot something. - What?

My cane, my glasses,

my rocking chair, my 17 cats, my broken back.

Lindsey, you forgot something.

- What? - Who you're talking to.

Now, go to school.

- Hi, Troy. - Hi, Lindsey.

Nice hat.

Oh, hey, dude.

Are you mad at me or something?

No, I'm cool. Are you mad at me?

No, I'm cool.

Awesome. You want to walk to school together?

Sure.

So did I see Jason leaving here yesterday?

Uh, yeah.

What's up with that? What did he do, follow you home?

No, but he did kind of just show up.

And you let him in?

He just kind of came in.

That's trespassing.

You could've hit him in the head with a baseball bat.

It was cool. My dad was here.

- Do you guys have a safe word? - A what?

A safe word, like, if one of you is in trouble,

and you don't want the person who's threatening you

to know you're signaling for help.

You use a safe word. Mine is "Custard."

How'd you come up with custard?

'Cause I hate custard, and I would never, ever say the word "Custard"

unless I was truly in danger.

Wait, are you trying to tell me you're in danger?

Why would you think that?

Because you just said the word "Custard" three times.

Dude, come on, we got to go. It's not safe.

Oh, Suzanne, come on.

I love these, these are cute.

Gigi, she's 15.

Oh, gosh, you are overreacting.

I mean, Lindsey is in high school,

and at that age, there is a war out there

between the popular girls and the unpopular girls,

and the popular girls, they evil.

They will judge. They'll criticize,

whisper behind your back,

and they will use any and everything against you

to make you look bad, even your own underwear.

Okay.

So you honestly believe

that she's wearing those to impress the girls, not the boys.

Yes, I do. When you walk into a PE class

and you have to change your clothes,

you have to still have identity and personality.

I just wanted to put my clothes on.

Well, I just guess you better than everybody else.

I guess your self-esteem is amazing.

I guess everybody should be like you.

That's not what I meant. I'm just worried about Lindsey.

Well, you need to stop worrying, because you know Lindsey.

- I thought I did. - No, you do.

I mean, but she's growing up, which means you have to too.

I guess.

Now, when you look in her drawers,

and you don't find any panties,

that's when you should worry.

What does that say about you?

Who we talking about?

Uh-oh, here comes your buddy.

He's not my buddy.

Hey, buddy.

I see you still hanging with Napoleon Dynamite.

He's an icon. I'll take that.

You'll take that, because you ain't got no choice.

Jason, quit it.

Tell him to quit it.

He the one walking around here looking like baby Gaga.

If he didn't want nobody to make fun of him,

maybe he shouldn't wear the hat. He look like a fool.

Oh!

I might look like a fool, but it's only because of the hat.

You look like a fool, and it's because of your daddy.

Ooh!

Say something else.

I said to leave him alone.

And who gonna make me?

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

And that's when I hit him.

Oh, ho. Ho, ho, ho.

So you admit it. Uh-huh.

The minute I came in this doggone place,

I looked in your eyes, and I seen that twitch. You like to hit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, calm down, Malcolm.

Listen, man, he hit your son

in the eye, because he was trying to defend his friend.

Well, how about your son minding his business

and let this boy fight his own fight.

Well, maybe your son needs to learn who he's picking a fight with.

Oh, really? Well, maybe your son needs to explain that to a judge.

And maybe your son needs to explain to the optometrist how he got his eye lit up.

Ooh!

Who the hell are they?

I don't know.

It's your house.

Those are the instigators.

See, we didn't really want to fight, but then they just showed up.

Well, they need to get the hell out of my house.

I got this.

Out.

Thank you, Jackie.

You're welcome.

Those are the type of people your son hangs around?

"Hang around." First of all, let me tell you something.

My son is a straight "A" student, like his dad.

No, Dad, it's straight "B "s.

Straight... Straight "B "s?

Boy, you think I spent all this money

on your schoolin' for you to get straight "B "s?

I go to public school.

Wait, wait. Hold up, man.

You are upset with your son for getting straight "B "s?

No wonder he's running around punching people in the face.

Why do y'all keep saying I'm punching people in the face?

Have y'all not seen my eye?

Okay, now, I'll admit.

I talk a lot of trash.

But the fact of the matter is, I suck at making friends.

Maybe if I was a little dumber like Kevin,

I'd be a little friendlier like Kevin.

Okay, you don't have to be dumb to make friends.

You don't?

I'm not dumb, and I've got a friend.

I'm not dumb, and I've got real and imaginary friends.

Oh, okay, Troy, let's go. Okay, come on.

- All right, Troy, take care. - Bye.

Okay, guys, look.

This seems like a big misunderstanding, all right?

- You guys cool? - Yeah.

Okay, well, why don't you boys go in the other room and play video games?

Okay.

And try not to hit each other in the face.

Uh, so can I offer you something to drink?

What do you guys got? Punch?

- Thank you. - No problem.

Look, Lindsey,

if you're having problems with the girls at school,

why wouldn't you just tell me?

Mom, it's not like that.

I wasn't trying to impress anybody,

and nobody was picking on me.

I just like dressing the way I do.

Do me a favor.

Just from now on, from time to time,

just let me know what's going on with you.

It doesn't have to be everything, but something.

Okay. Thanks, Mom.

You're welcome. So do you like your new stuff?

- I do. - Good.

And, listen, I'm sorry that I went through your drawer.

But you're gonna do it again.

Oh, I might, but if I do, it'll be for a good reason.

Like what?

Like, you wouldn't tell me what was going on with you

and I had to go through your stuff to find out.

Ask your brother. I do it to him all the time.

- You do? - Yeah.

Y'all not gonna have me on the news talking about,

"I don't know where she learned how to build a bomb."

Sweetheart, just remember,

you have the rest of your life to grow up, okay?

Okay. I will.

Lindsey?

I'm not pregnant.

Okay.

- Hey. - Hey.

Crazy week, huh?

Fights at school, fights over panties.

Well, at least we know Kevin is not the one to be messed with.

- That's right. - I got you something.

- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.

A new phone.

Mm-hmm, and a new phone number.

So no more prank calls.

- Oh, thank you, baby. - You're welcome.

May I?

Go ahead.

Hello?

No, you cannot speak to Nick.

"Why?" I'll tell you why, Brandon.

Because I don't let my man talk to no punk.

See, if you were a real man,

you wouldn't be calling here, heckling him like a little girl.

What, you ran out of Twilight books to read?

Ooh!

Get out of my house.

Don't worry about who that is.

What you need to worry about is that I'm a buck 15,

and I could whip your butt, punk.