All language subtitles for Are.We.There.Yet.S02E13.The.Whose.Card.Is.It.Anyway.Episode.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

All right!
We've got everything.

All I need is my Cooking with
the All-Stars cookbook.

So, babe, what do you want to
make with it? Chicken? Fish?

Everything goes with Shaq 'n cheese.

I don't know why you want to come
in here and mess up my kitchen.

You haven't made anything
from that cookbook

since your mom gave it to you two
years ago for your birthday.

Mess up your kitchen? Look,
remember those Charles Barkley biscuits?

I put my foot in those.

But they tasted like
you still had your sock on.

Why you playin'?No, come on, all right.

I'll handle the meal, and you go fill out
the paperwork for Kevin's school trip.

- That hurt.
- I'm sorry.

You had said you liked them biscuits.

"Happy birthday, hubby"?

- Nick, honey.
- Yeah, babe?

Whatever happened to the gift card
that I got you for your birthday,

not this year but last?

Um, I got something for the computer.

- Oh, what'd you get?
- Memory.

Memory?
Where is it?

It's inside the computer. It's a great gift.
My computer never forgets anything.

Oh, okay, so you
definitely used the gift card.

- Yeah. Why?
- I was thinking about

what I was gonna get you
for your next birthday,

and then I realized that you never told
me what I got you for that birthday

with the gift card.

Well, I distinctly remember it.

You got me memory, so remember that.

Oh, I won't forget.

- Anything else?
- No, that's it.

- You sure? Okay.
- Yeah.

- Thanks, honey.
- Okay, baby.

RAM. Mm-hmm.
I got your RAM.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

All right, so educate me.

Why wouldn't you just
tell her you lost it?

Well, I didn't lose it,
I misplaced it.

It's here somewhere.

And that's not the same thing?

Nope, they have two completely
different definitions.

Oh, you mean like,
innocent and not guilty.

Like, Nelson Mandela was innocent,

O.J., not guilty.

Why don't you just go buy
another one, then?

Because I already told her I used it.

And if she's asking about it,
that means she's looking for it too.

Don't worry, Dad. If it's in
this house, we'll find it.

Yeah, me and Kevin are
gonna work this place

like basketball wives at a purse sale.

Oh, now, that is the attitude
I am looking for, Troy.

All right, so what's the plan?

Okay, Kevin and Troy
are gonna take the top floor.

I want you guys to search this house from
top to bottom. Leave no stone unturned.

We're back. Hey, Dad.
Hey, Martin.

Hey, I thought you guys were going
to get something to eat.

- We did.
- What happened here?

Nothing happened here.
Weren't you going upstairs?

Hmm?

Hmm, did you, uh, lose something?

No, we were just straightening up
a little bit before you got back.

Oh, okay.

'Cause it was pretty straight
before I left.

So what happened between now and then?

Nothing. We just thought we'd straighten
up a little bit more.

That's all.

1,000 Ways To Love
A Black Man, nice.

Something we need to discuss?

I was wondering, if I was a black man,
what it would be like

if a woman wanted
to love me a thousand ways.

Okay. So you're sure you guys
aren't looking for anything?

No, why would we be looking for something?

I'm not saying that you are.

I'm just saying if you were,

I could always call somebody
to help you guys,

you know, on my new phone.

Where did you get that?

The electronics store.

I didn't think I was
gonna be able to afford it,

but then I found a $300 gift card.

- Where?
- In a cookbook.

You know, I thought it was yours,
but you said that you used yours to buy...

What was it again? Um...

- RAM.
- RAM! That's right.

Okay.
Oh, you're so cute.

Look at you, with that cute little smile.

That's good.
Hand it over.

- Hand what over?
- My phone.

How is this your phone?

You bought it with my gift card.

Did he tell you about losing a gift card?

Hey, look at this.

The 436th way to love a black
man is to trim his mustache.

Who'd have thunk it?

Okay, so, first, you said that you
bought RAM with the gift card,

and now you're saying
you lost the gift card?

Does this sound right to you, Martin?

And the 802nd way
to love a black man is to...

Oh, wow. You'd think
this would rate higher.

Okay, look, look, look.
You know what?

If this was a court of law,

do you know how crazy
you would look right now?

Like whoo!

If this were a court of law,
you wouldn't have a case.

- Oh, really?
- Really.

You know what? I know you're used
to being right all the time,

but this time you're wrong.

This is the plaintiff,
Nick Kingston-Persons.

He says that his wife,
Suzanne,

gave him a gift card for his birthday.

And after he misplaced it,
she found it and used it on herself.

He's suing for reappropriation
of goods and damages of $300.

This is the defendant,
Suzanne Kingston-Persons.

She says the plaintiff lost his gift card,
and clearly never planned to use it.

And after she found
the gift card in the house,

she asked if he had used his, and when he
said he did, she saw no problem with using

the gift card that she found on herself.

She has no intention of giving him a dime,

and says he needs to stop lying.

All rise.

Be seated and come to order. Not that I can
make y'all. It ain't like I got a gun.

I thought we talked about this.

I'ma deal with this
all day long with you now?

Okay, Nick, I see you're suing your wife...

Suzanne, for a gift card.

- Yes.
- All right.

Tell me what's going on.

She bought me a gift card,
and I misplaced it, and she found it.

Two years later.

See, see, in my courtroom, you don't
just shout out. You wait your turn.

You went to public school. You know,
you wait in line for cheese and stuff.

That's what you do here.

Yes, Your Honor.
My apologies.

- Thank you, Your Honor.
- Do I need your help?

I... I was just thanking you.

Do I look crippled? Do I look like I'm hurt?
Am I leaning to the right?

No, sir.

Thank you.

Okay, well, you know, my birthday was
coming up, and Suzanne was asking me

what I wanted.

And I didn't want to tell her what
to get me, 'cause, you know,

when you pick out
your own birthday present

and that's what you get,
there's no surprise.

You like surprises, right?

Yeah, I guess.

I bet you were surprised when she spent the
money on your gift card, weren't you?

- I bet he was.
- He was surprised.

Like you're surprised you have no gun.

Can I say something,
Your Honor?

Yeah, you just said something.
Now, shut up.

You got an issue? We gonna
have a problem today?

Need some Xanax?
Go on now, Nick.

Well, look, all right,
so she got me the card,

and look, I was planning
on using it eventually,

but then I put it somewhere
and I forgot where I put it.

He lost it.

Do you not understand English?

I told you be quiet.

I'll have you thrown out of here faster than
Mel Gibson should get off that phone.

You understand me?
Be quiet.

- You see what I'm dealing with, Your Honor?
- I see what you dealing with.

- Yeah.
- You married it. Don't ask me why.

Okay, well, I misplaced
the card, and then I couldn't...

I forgot where I put it,

and then she found it,
and she knew it was my card.

- Oh, you psychic?
- Huh?

You psychic, right? That's how you
know what people think, right?

Where's her gun?

You don't know, do you?

'Cause you ain't psychic.

So why don't you just tell me what you
know instead of what other people know.

Can we do that?

Okay, well, she found it, and I didn't
know she found it, but what she did was

ask me if I'd spent mine.

And what did you say?

I said I have.

File for the defendant, you win.

Whoo!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You did it.

I'm playing!
I'm playing, I'm playing!

You think you're gonna win?
You're out your mind. You can't shut up.

You see that? She was all
excited. You saw that?

You play too much. "Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
High five! High five!"

Don't be high fiving people up in here.

So why'd you tell her that you
spent the card if you didn't?

Well, I didn't want to hurt her feelings

and have her think
I didn't care about her gift.

- Look, man. You got any witnesses?
- Yes, Your Honor.

I'd like to call my mother,
Ms. Marilyn Persons.

Okay.

Thank you, baby.

How are you, Mrs. Persons?
Tell us what you know.

I will, Your Honor.

I know she crazy.

I know I'm not gonna sit up here and let
her talk about my son any kind of way,

because she lucky to have him.

- I agree with you.
- Hm-hmm.

But I'm asking you about the card.
What do you know about the gift card?

I don't know anything about that.

But I don't see what the big deal
is anyway. It's a gift card.

All you got to do is go to the store,

get another one for her birthday,

steal it back, and then
spend it all on yourself.

She how she likes that.

You go ahead and sit down.

I'm scared to ask this question,
but do you have any evidence?

Yes, I do, Your Honor.

This is the box the phone came in

and my birthday card.

He got a box.

- That the phone came in.
- The phone came in.

See, I asked you if you had evidence.

See, evidence is something like,
you know, I got a smoking gun.

I got a knife,
I got some gloves.

They don't fit, we can't acquit.

It's like a girl tied up
in the trunk of your car

with some duct tape over her mouth.

That... That's evidence,
but this ain't evidence.

This is not evidence. If you're just
gonna waste my time by bringing

something that ain't gonna help your case,
'cause this don't help your case,

you might as well have brought
something that makes me happy.

Like some cake. Did you have
cake for your birthday?

- Yes, I did.
- I'm glad you got something,
'cause you didn't get no phone.

What kind of cake
did you get for your birthday?

Sweet potato pound cake.

What'd he say?

Sweet potato pound cake.

What kind of cake do the judge like?

Sweet potato pound cake.

Yeah, that's what
I'm talking about.

Who made this sweet potato pound cake?

- My wife.
- Uh, she got the recipe from me, Your Honor.

Oh, I see.

We're gonna take a short recess
while I get this recipe.

Hey, man.

Ms. Persons, will you meet me in the,
uh, chambers, please?

- I will do that, Your Honor.
- Talk about this recipe.

Are you serious?

I said don't say nothin' else.

I'll be with your mama.

Hey, hey, hey.

Your mama crazy.

And she's a wonderful person.

- That's my mother.
- Yeah.

- And you don't know my mother.
- I know her now.

Ha-ha! Bam.

- What?
- Boo-yah!

- Hey!
- Hey, Judy.

- You did it.
- Let's get this thing started, Judy.

Court is now back in session.

Mrs. Kingston-Persons, I know you've been
waiting to talk. Now it's your time,

so talk and tell us your story.

Your Honor, I'd like to start by saying
that birthdays are very important to me.

And obviously because it's my husband,
it's a top priority.

That's enough.

I'm playing.
I'm playing. I'm playing.

I had a little bit to drink in the back.

Go ahead. My bad.

Whenever I give something to someone,

I want to make sure it's something
they're really gonna enjoy.

Oh, I see, and if they don't enjoy it,
you just, what, take it back from them?

No, Your Honor. I wanted
this gift to be different,

because the first three attempts
weren't great.

What was your first attempt?

I got him a box set of Prince songs.

- No, you didn't. Prince?
- Hm-hmm.

Girl, I didn't think
you like... Look at you.

Who loves Prince?

The judge loves Prince.

Hold up. You don't like Prince?

Can I...You don't like Prince?

- Can I talk now?
- You don't like Prince?

- I like Prince.
- We can shut this down now.

You don't like the purple wonder?

- I had it already.
- You didn't tell her that, did you?

Yes, he did.

You got a CD player in your house?

Yeah, I got a CD player.

- Got a CD player in your car?
- Yeah.

- Judy, what should he have done?
- Should have just listened
to the Prince in your car.

There you go.

But you just trying to be honest, right?

That's why you couldn't do that.

If I am not honest with this woman,
what else can it lead to, man?

Okay, man, I'm not saying you got to lie
to your wife. You should never lie

to your wife, 'cause they'll find out anyway,
'cause they got stuff in your computer

They can find out where you've been.
Trust me on that one.

I'm saying sometimes
you can fool your wife.

Wait, wait, wait, what's the difference?

Yes, your honor,
I'd like to know too.

I would tell you,
but my wife watches the show.

What's up, baby? You see what
they tried to do, Judy?

- What they try to do?
- Yeah. They tried to trick you.

Trying to make a fool of me,
but who's not a fool?

- You not a fool.
- That's right. I ain't no fool.

That's why I didn't fall
for that. I'm too quick.

You see that? You didn't
see me move, did you?

So go ahead. What else you get this man?

Um, Madden 2008.

He mad about that?

What's wrong with Madden 2008?

It was 2009, Your Honor.

But what's the difference?

What's the difference? They change the game
every year. That's why they make 2008, 2009.

No, they don't. They put
a different dude on the box.

I got the game!
I've got the game!

I got 2008 and 2009. Ain't no
difference, just the box!

That's how they get $45 from you.
Your wife was saving money.

Your Honor, after all of that,
I finally just relented and got a gift card

because I figured that way he could pick
something out that he really wanted,

and he would be happy
and I would be happy.

Can I say something?

No! I can't look at you.

Is he still here, Judy?

- I think he is, sir.
- Is he trying to talk to me?

- He's trying to talk to you.
- Have I told him to shut up?

I still hear voices.

- Your Honor.
- I still hear voices.

I still hear voices.

Can I say something?

I hear voices.

These folks don't learn nothing.

Go ahead.

Well, Your Honor, I would like
to now present my witnesses.

You got witnesses?
Yes, sir.

Oh, this is gonna be fun. Go ahead.
Bring your first witness.

My first witness is my son, Kevin.

- Is this your first time in court?
- Yes, Your Honor.

It's a shame that your
first time in court is here

'cause your mother and father are fighting
about some kind of gift card.

Whereas a young black man, you have plenty
of opportunities to be in court.

You could be picked up
for assault, battery,

driving drunk, driving while black,

taking a white woman across state lines.

You have plenty of opportunities
to come to this courtroom,

and this is a wasted opportunity
for you and I want to apologize.

- I'd rather not go to court.
- You're gonna go.

You're black. You're gonna go.
It's gonna happen.

So, Kevin, what do you
know about this case?

Well, m dad asked me and my friend, Troy,

to help look for the gift card.

- Is this Troy in the courtroom now?
- Yes.

Step up to the mic, please.

- Are you Troy?
- I am he, Your Honor.

- It is he, Your Honor.
- He is he.

Would you like to state your last name?

Not particularly. I don't see how that's
relevant to the proceedings here forth.

Oh, "here forth." "Here forth."

That's a big word for a little man.

All I'm saying, Your Honor,
is that I am simply here

as a moral and fiduciary accouterment
to Mr. Kingston-Persons.

My name is irrelevant. What's relevant
is that I've taken a stand.

What's relevant is, drug usage is destroying
young people across America.

And, Kevin, if you want to continue
to grow up and be a good man,

you got to let some friends go.

Troy, you sit your little butt down.

And we're gonna get you some help.

We're gonna have people
come in from child services

to find out what your problem is.

Is this the best you got?

Your mama and a little white boy?

Kevin, you got anything else
to add to this?

Um, yes, Your Honor.

My father told me,

whatever you do, do not tell your
mother what we're looking for.

Oh!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
See? See?

Hey! Hey!

Asking a child to lie?

Telling him not to say
anything is not a lie.

Thank you. Thank you.

That's all. Young man, you can step down.

Do you have anymore witnesses?

I'd like to call my daughter, Lindsey.

So, what do you know about this case?

Not much, sir. All I know is,
is that I was not exactly there

when they were looking for the gift card,

but when I returned home,
my bedroom was a complete mess.

Now, how was your bedroom before you left?

Um, it was a mess.

Then you can just sit down.

Anymore witnesses?

I'd like to call Nick's best friend,
Martin, to the stand.

Oh, no. No, you didn't.
No, you didn't...

Man. Now you're gonna sit here...

No, you did not! No, you did not
bring your best friend...

Young man, young man,
young man, young man.

Obviously you're not married, right?

I am...So you don't know
the rules of marriage.

- That is true.
- This man needs you.

And you're on her side.

- I wouldn't say I'm on her side.
- Just say the truth!

Just tell me the truth!

I can't handle the truth.

- I know what's going on here, Judy.
- What's going on?

If you're feeling distressed
from Nick's wife, blink twice.

You are excused.

I'd like to speak, Your Honor.

Who the hell are you

I am Suzanne's assistant and real, best,
supportive friend, Gigi.

- You're her best friend, Gigi?
- Yes.

Then I'd like you to go over to Nick's side
so you can see what that feels like,

to have a friend be a traitor.
Please go to that side.

Yeah, come on over.

And now, I'd like to say, no matter where
I'm standing, the truth will prevail.

Something will. So, Gigi,
what do you know about this?

Well, I purchased the gift card.

Oh, you purchased the gift card?

Yes, Your Honor.

She's my assistant, Your Honor,
so I asked her to go pick it up.

Uh-uh, you asked her
to speak, let her speak.

Well, I can tell you
that Suzanne was very excited

about getting Nick this gift card,

'cause she wanted him to have
something he really wanted.

When I asked, "What did he get with the gift
card?" She said he didn't buy anything.

- When was this?
- About a week after his birthday.

But then I didn't hear anything else about
it until she came to work the other day

and said he had lied to her and said he
had bought something with the card,

but he didn't, because he lost it,
and she found it, and I told her she ought

to get herself something to get through
the pain of being lied to,

and she got herself a phone.

That's how it happened!

Hey! Hey!
Everybody shut up.

Everybody shut up.

I've had about enough. I will throw every
last one of you out this courtroom.

- I swear to God.
- It would not have gotten
to this point if I'd had a gun.

Well, you know what?
You got one now.

I'll tell you what.
I'll tell you what.

Y'all come in this court,
you're gonna have some respect,

even if this is just a TV
show and this ain't real

and she ain't a bailiff
and I ain't a judge!

We're gonna act like it is!

- Is this a real gun?
- That's a real gun.

I'm going back to make my decision.

Whoo!

This case wore me out.

I mean, for y'all to be coming here
arguing about a gift card...

It's the principle.

I hope you like
sleeping with the principal,

'cause you're gonna be sleeping
with her for a long time.

Just because your man's crazy
don't mean he's wrong.

Now, from listening to all
the testimony of the witnesses,

um, even though he lied about
what he did with the card,

I don't think he ever planned to relinquish
possession of the card.

It was a gift card. Even though you
don't like what he did with it,

it was his present.

It was his card, and you don't
have a right to take it back.

Do you understand me?

I have to judge in favor
of the plaintiff for $300.

Yes!

I want my money! Look, whoa, there's an L?
It's coming. It's coming.

- Oh!
- Boop! It's on your head.

Go ahead, laugh it up. Have your fun.
I will pay you back.

A dollar a year for the next 300 years.

Remember that if you break up
and you have to pay alimony.

We are not breaking up, Ma.

Especially not if she tries number 874.

What's number 874?

It's pretty much just 873,
but with whipped cream.

I read that book, and frankly,
I think it's a waste of whipped cream.

Are you guys talking about one,
000 Ways To Love A Black Man?

Yes, why?

My mom has that book.

- Okay, Kevin, can you
take Troy to your room?
- Yes, yes.

And Lindsey, go clean your room.

- It's a mess.
- Okay, Mom.

Suzanne, I'm sorry
that I ruined your case.

Oh, there's no need to apologize.

You were just telling the truth.

I can't hold that against you.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Now, is this what married couples do?
Fight over everything?

- No.
- Yes.

- Okay.
- See, this is why I'm never getting married.

I can't pretend to put somebody
else's needs above my own,

which is Number 974.

Nick, I am sorry.

Oh, that's okay, baby.

You can always buy me another present.

I'm not getting you
another gift card. I know that.

It's cool.

- So, what do you want?
- Um...

- Does it have to be from a store?
- Ooh.

What?

All right, that's our cue to leave.

- Gigi, let's get something to eat.
- You treating?

My treat? Uh, don't you owe me 60 bucks?

- No.
- Yes.

Prove it.