Original subtitles

What's all this?

I'm filling out my valentines.

Ha-ha! You go ahead, player.

Whoo. Enjoy this, man.

Valentine's Day is best when you're young.

Wow, it's fun, it's innocent and cheap.

A card and a bag of candy hearts, and you are good.

Who is Mike? Mike?

Dad, he's in my class.

At school, everybody has to give out cards to everybody.

Even if everybody's a guy and the other everybody is Mike?

Yeah.

Since when?

Since always. It's just so nobody feels left out.

Morning.

Morning. Lindsey, uh,

have you heard about this everybody-gets- a-valentines thing?

Yeah, so nobody feels left out.

Sometimes, somebody should be left out.

McCain should have left Palin out.

Sandra Bullock should have left Jesse James out.

Rihanna should have left Chris Brown out.

To Isaiah, Solomon, to Chase...

- When you gonna get to the girls, man? - I'm doing those next.

Do you have a girl in class that you like?

Yeah, a little. Her name's Mya.

Well, how's she gonna know that you like her

if you have to give a Valentine's Day card to everybody?

I don't know.

Well, I do.

Here. Keep that. That's for Mya.

I'm holding onto the rest of these.

But wait. I have to take them to class.

If your teacher asks about these cards,

you tell her I kept them 'cause I didn't want to feel left out.

Cool.

- Is the coast clear? - I was wondering where you were.

Here. Listen, man, if you got a problem with me, just say so.

Don't send me to buy flowers for you on Valentine's Day.

Do you know what I look like out there,

wrestling with some dude over a dozen tulips?

I'm sorry, man.

I'm just glad you came before Suzanne and Lindsey left.

Next time, just give me a head's up.

I could've picked those up when I picked up my roses.

- What's the schedule this time? - Ah, let's see.

I've got Tammy for breakfast, Ladonna for lunch,

Donna for brunch, April for Happy Hour, Tamara for dinner,

and then I hit the love-in-the-club buffet.

Ooh, that's a lot of food.

Oh, trust me, I burn it off.

Man, I love Valentine's Day.

It's the one day a year where women can't stand to be without a man.

It's like shooting needy and extremely vulnerable fish in a barrel.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day to you, Ms. Kingston-Persons.

Aww. Thank you, Martin.

Yeah, quit working my wife, man. Go get your food.

Sorry, just warming up.

Happy Valentine's Day, honey.

- Ooh, I'll take it. - Mmm.

- Mmm. - Mmm.

What's up with Kevin and his whole boys- giving-boys-valentines thing?

Oh, it's so no one feels left out.

What's up with that?

I mean, Valentine's Day is for people who you think are special,

not for people who don't want to get left out.

Maybe you did something to get left out.

Maybe I just don't like you.

How you gonna know I don't like you

if I give you a card telling you that I like you?

Okay. This is romantic.

I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry. Look. Um, look.

- Close your eyes. - Eyes closed.

Okay.

Um, can you get that?

- Can I open my eyes? - Sure.

Okay.

Oh, man, that's beautiful. Ooh.

Oh! Nick, these are beautiful.

I mean, my goodness. You have outdone yourself.

These are fabulous. I'm talking Oprah fabulous.

These are... Thank you.

I didn't get you those. I got you these.

Those are nice.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Wow, Dad, you got those for Mom?

Those are amazing!

Those aren't from me. I got her these.

Aww, those are cute.

Cute. Right.

So, who are the big ones for?

They're for you.

- For me? - Mmm-hmm.

"To Lindsey, my beautiful princess.

"Happy Valentine's Day.

"Love, Dad."

Wow, Daddy, thank you!

I absolutely love them. They're gorgeous.

No, no. I didn't get you those.

Um, I got you this.

Aww. That's so sweet. A Be-My-Baby Girl bear.

Happy Valentine's Day.

- Thanks, Dad. - Aww, you got it.

So, who are the big ones from?

- They're from Frank. - Wow.

Yeah, Lindsey, make sure you call him on the way to school

and say thank you, okay?

Okay.

Call your daddy.

- All right, I'm gonna take her. - Okay.

- Love you, baby. - Love you.

- Hi! - Hey.

Oh! What pretty flowers!

- You like? - I like, I like.

- Yellow tulips. - Mmm-hmm.

Hopeless love.

You go, Nick. He did very good. I love them...

- Gigi. - Huh? Oh.

- These are for you. - Put them right there.

Thank you very much.

- Roses. - Roses.

- Card. - Card.

"Rock me, baby. "Ooh.

"Gigi, you struck a power chord in my heart."

That's special. Who are those from, Damon?

Yes, unfortunately.

- Because? - Because I'm breaking up with him.

You're breaking up with him on Valentine's Day?

That's cold-blooded. Why?

Because then he'll know I'm serious. I can't take it.

Gigi, you said you liked him.

Not him, it.

What "it"? It, it?

No, not it, it. It, it is good.

No, it, his music.

You're breaking up with him because of his music?

All he listens to is heavy metal!

And I can't take it anymore.

Well, why don't you just listen to something else when you're with him?

You don't seem to understand the words that are coming out of my mouth.

That's all he listens to.

Ever.

- Always? - Ever.

Even? - Ever.

Wow. You just gave "head-banging" a whole new meaning.

Not funny.

So, I called you down here today

because Kevin was taken out of class,

because he refused to participate

in our all-inclusive Valentine's Day celebration.

No, no, he didn't refuse. See, he brought this for Mya.

Yes, but you're supposed to bring a card for everyone.

He doesn't like everyone. He likes Mya.

Did he give this to her?

He wanted to, but I gave it back to him.

Oh, see, well, that's not fair.

See, how could you give him back her card?

Well, the rules are very clear.

You have to give a valentine to everyone, that way no one feels...

No one feels left out. Right.

See, look, I have a problem with that.

See, sometimes people get left out. You didn't give me a card.

Because that's ridiculous.

- I got you a card. - Did not.

Yes, I did.

There you go.

Here you go.

Well, you didn't get this for me. You took it from your son.

No, I didn't.

See, you took it from the girl my son gave it to.

And since you didn't want her to have it,

I figured you can have it.

Happy Valentine's Day.

You don't mean that.

Exactly.

Why would you give a card to somebody you don't care about,

and why would you want a card from somebody if it didn't mean anything?

Because...Because you don't want

anybody to feel left out.

And that's exactly why you took Kevin out of class.

That's the way we do things here. I'm sorry.

Okay, well, you know, if you want to tell Kevin that,

he'll be at home alone on the couch.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day.

- Did you say something? - No.

Hey, man. You want to watch some TV?

Not really.

Dude, you should be really, really proud of yourself, Kevin.

Dude, you stuck up for what you believe.

Yeah, but I might as well have just given them to everybody.

Now, she'll never know I like her.

She wouldn't know the other way, either.

She'd just know you follow the rules.

Dude. Let me... Man, Kev.

Oh! Thanks, man. Wow.

"To the sweetest man I've ever met. Happy Valentine's Day."

Looks like your mother sent me something.

Must be nice to get something from somebody who cares about you.

Whoa!

Whoo.

Man, now that's what I'm talking about.

Valentine's Day cake.

I never heard of that.

You want a piece?

What are you saying? You don't want me to feel left out?

Dude, there will be other Valentine's Days.

Besides, it's not like you can't go in there

and tell Mya you like her tomorrow.

Yeah, but if I tell her tomorrow, and she hates me,

I'm gonna look like a fool.

Today, she at least has to take the card.

I know. I'm sorry, man.

It's all right. You want to cut the cake?

- What's wrong? - I don't know.

Does it smell funny to you?

I don't know, but it doesn't smell like cake.

Hmm. It smells like flowers.

It is flowers.

You couldn't tell those were flowers without eating them?

I knew how to do that when I was two.

Why would she get me flowers for Valentine's Day?

Maybe she didn't want you to feel left out.

It is halftime at the Valentine's Day games,

and Martin from the west is driving towards the goal line. Ooh!

Guess you're having a good time.

Oh, I am having more fun than Charles Barkley and a bag of biscuits,

and I'm just getting started. Three down, three to go.

I'm hitting a little second-half slump.

- Hook me up with an energy shake? - Right there.

Oh, and give me a slice of that cake.

A little sugar rush never hurt anybody.

It's not cake. I was sent flowers.

Flowers, dude?

What kind of sick joke is that?

Who sends a man flowers disguised as a cake?

- My wife. - They're really nice.

Okay. Look, for your information,

I didn't know they were flowers. I thought it was cake, too.

- Does she know that? - Not yet.

Well, take my advice, and don't say a word.

How did Suzanne like her flowers?

She liked them, I guess.

"I guess"? What'd she do,

grab them, then run out of the room before you could see her face?

Right before I gave her mine,

this huge bouquet from Frank showed up for Lindsey.

- Oh. How big? - Big.

Like, "Oh, my God, these are amazing" big.

Listen, man, he's just trying to impress her.

It's working.

Think of it like you're taking your kid to see Kanye West.

- How so? - The guy's arrogant, he's irresponsible.

I mean, he puts on an incredible show, but Lindsey comes home with you.

You know what? You are actually not all evil.

I have a heart. I just don't find it particularly useful.

Got to go.

See you later, man.

Oh.

Hey. Hey, yourself.

Did you get the flowers?

I'm looking at them right now.

Do you love them?

Yeah, they're great.

Nick, was that the high voice?

Huh? I can't hear you.

I can't hear you. Oh, you're breaking up.

Nick doesn't like my Valentine's Day gift.

What did you get him?

- Flowers. - Oh.

"Oh"? What does "oh" mean?

It means, why would you ever get a straight man flowers?

Well, because it was in the shape of a cake. I thought it was cute.

That's just strange. But I got something cute.

- What? - Pi-yow!

Ooh, that is cute. Damon?

Mmm-hmm.

See, I told you. I mean, oh, he's such a wonderful guy.

So, are you still gonna go through with it?

I don't know. That's not all he sent.

A mixtape?

Death metal of love.

Well, it's romantic. It can't be that bad.

That is not romantic, and it is bad.

Okay, it's really bad!

Shut it down! Turn it off!

Turn it off!

All right, stop yelling.

Wait! Wait, Gigi!

I got to get out! I got to get out of here!

Shut up!

Hey, sweetie. What are you doing?

I'm taking a picture of me and my flowers to be my Facebook profile.

Oh. That's nice.

Dad, can you take a picture of me?

Uh... Fine.

Great. Thanks.

Okay, I'm ready.

All right, you might want to move it a little bit.

Oh. They're kind of blocking you.

There you go. All right.

- Awesome. - I got it.

It looks like you're standing in a forest.

Whoa, you're right. It does. Thanks, Daddy.

Okay.

Nick, I want the straight honest truth out of you,

no stuttering, no hemming or hawing, just the facts.

Did you like your Valentine's Day gift?

- No, I didn't. - Fine!

Fine? Huh?

Whoa, wait, honey, wait! What just happened?

What just happened?

If you didn't like flowers, why didn't you tell me?

Well, I didn't know you were ever gonna give me flowers.

I mean, and why would you give me flowers disguised as cake?

I like cake.

It's like me giving you a power drill disguised as a purse.

Okay, listen. I know that there's a guy somewhere

who likes getting flowers on Valentine's Day.

And I'm sure his boyfriend appreciates that.

But, see, the truth is, I don't care about Valentine's Day.

I care about you.

Hey, look, if every Tuesday

was give-your-woman- some-diamonds day,

then I'm gonna find some diamonds for you, because you matter to me.

But all I need from you is love, food and some time to watch TV.

And I don't need some special day for you to prove you love me.

You are so full of it. Is that what you've been telling yourself?

Yes, I have.

- Hey, Mom. - Hi, sweetie.

What is that about?

I told him he didn't have to give a valentine to everybody in his class,

just to the girl he likes. And they sent him home.

Wow. Nick, you are something else.

You hate my flowers, you got your son kicked out of class,

and when you found out that giant bouquet was from Frank,

your lip was hanging so low, I thought it was a double chin.

Just because you don't like Valentine's Day

doesn't mean you should ruin it for everybody.

I am not ruining it for everybody.

Yes, you are. You are the bin Laden of love.

Baby.

But I like that diamond Tuesday idea.

- Are you alone? - Not anymore.

Good. Remember how I told you I had my whole Valentine's Day worked out?

Yeah, yeah. Donna for breakfast, Donna for lunch...

No, no, no, Tammy for breakfast.

Donna for brunch. Ladonna for lunch.

Come on, man, what happened?

I hooked up with this girl at Happy Hour.

And now I can't shake her.

What do you mean, you can't shake her?

I am not here.

Okay.

Can I help you?

Hello. I'm looking for a guy named Martin.

I was trying to catch up with him on the highway,

but he was driving so fast.

Yeah, um, I don't know anyone by that name.

And you might want to be careful speeding on the highway.

There's a lot of speed traps around here.

I wasn't driving.

Are you sure you haven't seen him?

He looked like he came this way.

Well, he's not here.

You're lying.

I can smell him.

Martin!

Just hold onto her for, like, ten seconds, buddy.

I'm married, man, I can't be detaining white women.

Who do I look like, Rick James?

I love you so much, Martin, please.

We had such a good time, didn't we? I mean...

Run, Forrest, run!

I'm sorry.

You can let go of me now.

Happy Valentine's Day.

No, you can keep that.

Martin!

I'll get it.

- Hello. - Hi. I'm Mya. Is Kevin home?

Yeah, come on in. Kevin!

Mya? Hey.

I can't stay, because my mom is waiting in the car.

But you left class before I could give you this.

- You made this for me? - Yes, especially for you.

Whoa, thanks. I made one for you, too.

I heard you refused to participate

in that valentine's-card- to-everyone thing.

Well, yeah, see, I didn't have a problem

with giving everyone a card. My dad, he...

I thought it was really cool.

I like a guy who stands up to authority.

Yeah. Yeah, that's what I said.

You know, stick it to the man.

'Cause sometimes people are left out.

And I mean, how would the person you really want to give a card to

- know they're special? - I agree.

- Well, I better get going. See you at school. - Yeah.

All right, see you tomorrow.

Aww.

Don't try to make up now. You don't like Valentine's Day.

I don't know. You were right. You were right.

Valentine's Day is important. I admit it.

The flowers are nice, you know, once I realized it wasn't cake.

How could you not know that's not a cake?

I just didn't.

Well, I hope you didn't try to eat it.

You didn't.

Just a couple of petals.

Did you like your flowers?

You know, those were the same flowers you had in your wedding bouquet.

Yes, baby, I know.

And I love them.

I'm sorry about this morning.

I guess I just got a little jealous

when I saw Frank's amazing flowers.

All I got Lindsey was that little cute bear.

Lindsey loves that bear.

No, Lindsey loves those flowers.

She even put it on her Facebook page.

Lindsey will change her Facebook page tomorrow,

and those flowers will eventually die.

But she put that bear on her backpack,

and she carries it with her every day.

She's keeping what you gave her close. You don't get that?

I didn't see that like that.

Well, open your eyes.

Okay, so are you ready for your real Valentine's Day gift?

- There's more? - Mmm-hmm.

Okay, well, you said that the perfect gift was food,

so I got you some chicken wings.

Oh, my God.

And you said TV, so I'm putting on ESPN.

And hmm, gosh, you know, I don't remember that last thing.

Ooh, do you need a hint?

Oh! I got it. Bam!

Oh, man!

That's almost as good as these chicken wings.

You evil man.

Oh, hold on. That's Gigi's distress ring.

What's up?

"Help."

Damon!

Damon, I can't do this.

It's been fun, but I can't do it!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!