Original subtitles

Hey, man.Hey.

Hey, y'all.

BOTH: Hey.

Hey, Kev. What are you watching?

Mojo Joe.

Hey, baby. What are you reading?

Uh, I'm not reading.

I'm writing an invitation to a divorce party.

I'm trying to figure out how not to make it sound like,

you know...

Like a woman is happy she broke up with her husband?

Exactly.

How did you know it was a woman throwing the party?

No man celebrates losing half his money.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Uh, sure.

What's wrong with this picture?

What picture?

This.

What kind of family has this turned into?

We haven't even been together a year,

and already no one's paying attention to one another.

The only way you can get more ignored than this

is by being a piercing in Dennis Rodman's face.

So, what do you suggest we do about this?

We should have a get together.

How is a party gonna make us pay attention to each another?

It's not a party. It's a get together.

It's about people hanging out, talking,

eating, playing card, together.

And who is cooking all this food,

setting up all the card tables,

and cleaning up after all these people get together?

Why are you making it so complicated?

Because it is.No, it's not.

Fine. Then you handle it on your own.

Cool.

Hey, kids, we're having a get together!

Huh?Hmm?

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Are we there yet?

Really?

Terrence,

you're going on a date, and that's what you're wearing?

What's wrong with this?

You said, "Dress casual."

Now, paramilitary gear is very comfortable.

It don't ride up my butt,

I don't have to worry about chaffing,

and it don't hold in moisture.

It lets me breathe.

And where's your gun?

I don't have one.

Really?Really.

Who are you? Gilbert Arenas?

Come on, Suzanne, I need this.

Just in case something jump off.

Let somebody else handle it, Terrence.

You're not the only one with this job.

Yes, I am.

SUZANNE: Well, you're not wearing that.

She picks your clothes out, too?

She don't pick out my clothes.Yes, I do.

Terrence has a date.

Oh, yeah? Who is she?

We met at the bank.

No, no, no, no. Met?

He saved her in a shootout.

No, it's not just that.

She made me laugh, all right?

I was behind the desk doing the shootout,

[IMITATING GUNSHOTS]

and she was like, "Wait a minute,

"I need some quarters to put in the meter

"before I get a ticket."

It was so cute.

I told her... I said, "Don't worry.

"If I see the meter maid,

"that's the last time you're gonna see the meter maid."

[CHUCKLES]

She thought I was funny.

Sweet.

Well, she's seen you at work, so let her see your other side.

I don't have another side.

Why don't you bring her to the get together?

It's easier than a date.

Plus, we can check her out for you.

Oh, y'all having a party?

It's not a party. It's a get together.

What's the difference?

Doesn't anybody in this house know what a get together is?

[GRUNTS IN DISGUST]

This is nasty.

I see you didn't marry her for her cooking.

Question. [CLEARS THROAT]

Who had the biggest divorce settlement of all time?

Juanita Jordan![IMITATING BUZZER]

Didn't she get, like, $400 million?

Nope. It was closer to $168 million.

Technically, she had the biggest celebrity divorce.

But, the biggest "divorce" divorce...

Are you ready?

Okay.

Rupert Murdoch's ex,

Anna Murdoch, reportedly received

1.7...

[GRINS WICKEDLY][CHUCKLING]

Billion dollars!

1.7 billion dollars?Yes!

Juanita couldn't even afford to pay Anna's lawyer.

No![BOTH CHUCKLE]

Okay, so where did you get the idea

for the divorce game anyway?

That's a long story that begins with a lawyer

and ends with a bottle of tequila.

All your stories end with a bottle of tequila.

[GIGGLES] Whatever.

You know what? Nick told me you were having a get together.

Why didn't you tell me?

[SIGHS]I need to know what to wear.

Ask him. I'm staying out of it.

I don't want it to get too complicated.

What's complicated about it?

That's what he said.

Where are all these people supposed to sit?

When do they come?

When do they leave?Oh, gosh.

You keep on, you're gonna end up

hosting one of these divorce parties.

You need to loosen up.

I need to loosen up?Yes.

Well, if it doesn't matter,

then why do you need to know what to wear?

Even if it's a get together, I need to have it together,

in case I meet the rich, white man of my dreams.

[CHUCKLES]

And you know they like a certain kind of dress.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Thank you.

So, how are the plans coming?

Great, because I don't have to plan.

I'll just make a few phone calls,

and tell people what's up.

Oh, you guys can tell your friends to drop by, if you want.

Cool. I'm posting an invitation on Facebook right now.

Can Troy come?

As long as he comes.

I don't want him using us as an alibi.

Um, I'm probably having everybody bring something,

but can you make your famous potato salad?

[CHUCKLING] Okay. How much do you want me to make?

However much you want.

Whoever gets some, gets some.

That's how you do it at a get together.

It sounds like that's how you do it in a prison yard.

Come on out, man. It can't be that bad.

Think of it like a drill, like running maneuvers.

You gotta do it in the lab

before you take it into the field.

I don't know. It's pretty bad.

Ooh! [CHUCKLES]

Terrence, I'm telling you.

If you were running for something,

I might have to vote for you.

Yeah, you look like a younger,

better dressed, slightly cooler Colin Powell.

Only scary.

You would say that.

No, no, I'm serious. I'm not a woman, but if I was...

Don't.

Wherever you're going with that, don't.

Okay?

I look too good right now to play, all right?

I'm not overdressed, am I?

Where are you going? Dinner? The club?

He's bringing her to the get together.

Excuse me, did you take one to the head?

Yeah.

Why would you bring a complete stranger

to a place where you already know everybody?

So, those people can tell him

if she's the right woman for him.

Oh, you mean, so they can nitpick and criticize her

until she runs out of the place in tears.

Look, man, Suzanne did not mean to make that girl cry.

You were gonna find out

she was a dominatrix sooner or later.

Yeah, and your wife

deprived me of that wonderful moment...

Yo, yo, no!

This is about me. Okay?

Now, take a good look. I'm good, right?

You're good.

Y'all don't see it, do you?No.

Look, look now. Look carefully.See what?

What am I supposed to see?

Hah!Whoa!

Where'd you get that?Don't worry about it.

But if anybody make my date cry,

there's more where this came from.

What's that?

What's that?

All right.

Man, you don't know who I am...

Look, I'm having a little get together

at the house this weekend.

Bring whatever you want.

It's over when it's over.

I'll see you then.

Hey.Hey.

You okay?

Yeah, I guess.

I can't think of anybody to invite to the get together.

What happened to Troy?He can't come.

What about your friends from camp?

Still at camp.

[SIGHS SOFTLY]

Well, you can invite anybody that you can think of.

If they're cool with you, they're cool with me.

For real?For real.

Thanks, Nick.

[DIALING PHONE]

Hello?

Hey, Dad, it's Kevin.

Can I help you?How you doing?

Staten Island Mike. I'm here for the get together.

Right. Come on in.

Am I the only one here?

Yes. You're the only one here.

I got some banging potato salad.

Thank you. Who shows up for a party at 9:00 a.m.?

Party?

I thought this was a get together.

You're right. It's not a party.

It's a get together.

Follow me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

It ain't that type of get together. Let's go.

Honey, guess who's here.

Nick, Nick!

Who is that?

This is Staten Island Mike.

He's here for your get together.

What's up, brother?

He brought some banging potato salad.

And that's the goods, man.

What is wrong with you, man?

See, honey, this is what I'm talking about.

Baby, where is the real food?

Uh...

I got a little problem.

See, I told people to bring something,

but they all brought the same thing...

BOTH: Potato salad.

Ding dong.NICK: Hey!

SUZANNE: Hey!Hey, y'all!

Thank you.All right.

Thank you.Here she is.

Remember Lisa? From the bank?

It's nice to meet you.It's nice to meet you, too.

Lisa, you look a little different

than I thought you would.

Well... Let me tell you,

almost getting killed will change a person.

And, you know what? Getting killed will change you, too.

Well. The old Lisa is gone,

and the new Lisa needs a drink.

Please tell me you have a punch bowl.

Yeah, it's in the kitchen.

Oh! Is it spiked?It's not.

That's okay, I got it.

[LISA LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

Oh, yeah.

She's funny.

Well, if by "funny," you mean "crazy,"

well, she's hilarious.

She's gonna spike my punch bowl, isn't she?

I think so.

Lisa!

You look good, man.

Don't touch me.

Hey, Nick, do you have any margarita mix?

Margarita mix, right.

Where are you going?

To grab some things from the store.

Nick, this is your get together.

You cannot leave.

Are you two gonna fight?

Go on.

Look, I'll be right back. You don't have to do a thing.

Really?

Because some guy I've never met,

was upstairs with some girl I've never met,

giving her a tour of the house.

A tour, huh?

Don't forget my margarita mix.

Bring two!

One for me, and another one for me!

Oh!

That's the shizzle, my nizzle!

I am not your nizzle.

Yoo hoo hoo!

[ALL SCREAMING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Lindsey!What?

Does your father know how many people you invited to the party?

It's not a party, Mom, it's a get together.

Hey!

Lisa!

Look, girl, you're starting to embarrass me now.

Will you please sit your butt down,

and get it together?

I like the way you take charge.

And that's why you're the President

of the United States of America!

♪ Gobama! Gobama!

♪ Gobama! Gobama! Gobama!

You all right, man?Yeah, I'm all right.

So, y'all wanted her here. What'd you think?

Well, I think you're a lot less embarrassed with her here

than you would be out in public.

No, I'm pretty embarrassed here, too.

[LISA CHUCKLING]

Lisa! Girl, put your clothes back on!

Hey, y'all!

Wait for it. Wait for it...

[CHUCKLING]

Is that your rich white man's dress?

You like?Mm-hmm.

And where would you be going in that?

What difference does it make to you?

A guy can't ask?

Oh, you can ask, but it's none of your business.

[SCOFFS]

Man, look at you!

Wherever you're going dressed like that

is where I wanna be.

[CHUCKLES]

If you were gonna be where I was gonna be,

I can guarantee I wouldn't be there.

[CHUCKLES]

[INDISTINCT AUDIO]

If that's her get together outfit,

I wanna see her when she goes out.Yeah.

Can I ask you something?Shoot.

Who are you?

'Cause Nick said you told him I invited you.

I was at your store,

I heard you talking about it, so I just came by.

It's a get together, right?

What's her name anyway?

That would be Gigi.

Is that you?

Not anymore.

Do you mind?

Would it matter?

Not really. Thanks.

Okay.

When I say, "Getto," you say, "Gether!"

Getto.ALL: Gether.

Getto.ALL: Gether.

I told you he shouldn't have brought her.

Now, we gotta find a way to get her out of here

without causing a scene.

Why don't you send a margarita outside?

Lisa, you gotta stop this, all right?

Not only are you embarrassing me,

but you're embarrassing yourself.

Now, I know you got a small case

of post-traumatic stress,

but acting like a fool is not the way to deal with it.

Actually, acting like a fool is how most people deal with it.

Do you wanna get shot?

Oh, that will never happen.

Not if he's around. He's my hero.

Yeah, but if I'd have known you was gonna act like this,

I'd have left you under the desk at that bank.

I'm sorry.

I don't usually act this way.

I just don't wanna be boring anymore.

You're not boring.

You're a fine, beautiful woman.

All you gotta do is be that way.

You don't have to act like this.

Oh.

Thank you.

That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Excuse me.

Everybody, can I have your attention, please?

When I say, "Get it," you say, "Started."

Get it.ALL: Started.

Get it.ALL: Started.

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY][REMOTE BEEPS]

All right, that's it!

Get off of my chair,

stop eating my food,

quit doing freaky stuff in my bathroom!

Everybody, get your stuff and get out of here,

because this party is over!

ALL: It's not a party, it's a get together.

Well, now, it's a "Get-out-together!"

Right now! Everybody! B-bye!

Thanks for coming. All right, take care.

See you all at the next one.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[CLEARS THROAT]

You, too.

Really?

[CHUCKLING]

Terrence...What?

When I say, "Get it," you say...

Thank you.

Suzanne, what is wrong with you?

Baby, I know you want us to spend time as a family,

and pay attention to each other.

But all these people in my house, it's too much.

Everybody we need is right here.

Yeah, but where's Kevin?

Yeah, I haven't seen him.

I thought he was out in the garage.

I thought he was in the kitchen.[DOORBELL RINGING]

Maybe you threw him out.

Oh, my goodness!

Suzanne.

Frank.

Brought you some potato salad.

So, you ain't gonna invite me in?

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

What are you doing here, man?

After breaking my little sister's heart and running out on the kids,

you got the nerve to show your face...

Terrence, don't.

Can I?Nick, stop it.

You know What? You're a lowdown...Gigi, come on.

Yeah, that's right, Robin Thicke.

Check your girl.

Let it go, let it go.

What are you doing here, Frank?

Kev said y'all was having a get together.

Dad!

How you doing, son?

He invited me over.

And you, pumpkin, what's going on?

Hi, Dad.

Can you please not call me "Pumpkin"? It's a baby name.

You still gonna always be my baby.

Her and half of Seattle.

I brought a couple of gifts.

For you I have badminton.

What's a badminton?

It's kind of like tennis for people

who really wanna play volleyball.

And for you...

Chris Brown!

Chris Brown?

He can transform you.

Really? Do you not watch the news at all?

Why don't the three of you go and catch up.

Good idea.That's a good idea.

Yeah, I can show you my room, Dad.

Hey, Frank. How you doing?

You know, you look like you've been watching

a whole lot of exercise videos.

Shut up.

How long you gonna let him stay up there?

As long as Kevin likes. I'm doing this for him.

Frank better hope to God he's never taken hostage,

because he ain't gonna make it.

What does that even mean?

Don't worry about it, Robin Thicke.

Who's Robin Thicke?

Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.[CHUCKLING]

That was definitely fun, wasn't it?Yes.

Thanks for coming, Dad.

Hey, thanks for having me, Kev.

Thanks, Daddy.Come here, pumpkin.

See you later, Dad.All right, y'all go on.

Bye, Dad.All right, my kids.

Y'all have a good time?

As a matter of fact, we did.

In fact,

I'm thinking about a couple of things.

Thinking about what?

Me, uh, spending a little more time with the kids.

Well, next time we have a get together,

I'll be sure to let you know.

Well, what I'm trying to say is,

I think that we ought to work out

a joint situation, like shared custody.

Let's be clear about this.

You made a decision.

All this wasn't good enough for you.

And don't think you're about to start coming around here

and playing, "Remember the time."

I remember all of the times with you.

See, now, those are your kids.

And I respect that.

But this is my family.

And don't think you're about to just

start dropping in on them like that

trying to flip the script, because you're feeling guilty.

Come on, Nick! Speak up for yourself, man.

What he said.

You know, speaking of family,

I understand you've been using my name.

Nick Kingston-Persons.

I can have you arrested for identity theft.

Well, since I took your wife,

and I took your kids,

I figured I might as well take your name.

Yeah, well seeing how we're taking things,

why don't you take it all, you know?

Take my bath robe, my flip-flops,

my jock strap.

I would, but all that's too small.

Game, set, match.[CHUCKLING]

Frank, I think it's time for you to leave.

Okay, fine.

I'll leave.

But I'll be back.

And I'll be waiting on you.

Yeah, me, too.Yeah, me three.

That dude's got a lot of nerve.

You handled your business. I gotta give it to you, man.

ALL: Who are you?

Staten Island Mike.

We need to do this again sometimes.

Is he serious?

I don't know.

[CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING]