Original subtitles

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Come in.

BOTH: Good night.

Hey, good night, big man.

Hey, Mommy.[SIGHS WEARILY]

[HIGH-PITCHED BUZZING][YELLS]

Lindsey, what are you doing?

It's an app for my phone. It's an ultrasonic ring tone.

A what?It works like a hearing test.

The younger you are, the higher-pitched sounds you can hear.

I got one on my phone, too.

And why do you need it?

I use it when I go to people's houses.

It helps find where the dogs are.

Well, it looks like it works, because there's a dog...

[YELLING]

Lindsey. Stop it.I didn't do anything!

Uh, that was me.

Oh, let me see.

Wow. That's amazing.

I didn't hear a thing.

Well, Lindsey, just because I can't hear your phone ring,

doesn't mean I can't hear you talking.

Good night.Night.

Good night. Night.

Guys, can I stay up another half hour on my computer?

You okay?Yeah.

I've just been having some weird dreams.

No, you should go...Okay, stay up another...

Half...

A half hour. That's it.

Thanks.BOTH: Good night.

Sweetheart, close the door.

Good night.Thank you.

[SIGHING AFFIRMATIVELY] Finally.

[YAWNING] I can't believe how tired I am.

Are you sleepy, or are you tired?

'Cause I can work with tired.

Actually, I'm pretty sleepy.

What? Are you serious?

Look, baby, I know what you're offering,

and I would love to have it, but if I don't get some sleep,

one of us might end up feeling pretty embarrassed.

Really? You could fall asleep right in the middle?

I don't want to risk it.

Fine.

Take your tired butt to sleep.

Make sure you get well rested.

Whoa, whoa, let me get this straight.

When you don't feel like it, we don't do it.

But when I don't feel like it...We should do it, anyway.

I'm a man, not a machine.

Oh, trust me. I know the difference.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means, go to sleep.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

I know.

You know I want to.

Really?

Can you describe that for me?

No, no. I think we need to wait.

Seriously.

Okay. I'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye.

Who're you lyin' to now?

Her name is Scorpio.

You do realize there's no future with a woman

named after a Zodiac sign.

It's not her future I'm worried about. It's her past.

Take a look at this.

Can you give me a ruling on that?

Is that her daughter?

No, that's her. That's the problem.

I think she's 18 because I met her at jury duty, but,

you know how I love a younger lady.

You and R. Kelly.

[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY] Right.

I draw the line at teenagers.

You and R. Kelly.

Speaking of kids, I have a situation.

And this stays here.

You say a word of this to anyone...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll punch you so hard

that your grandkids will get knocked out. I got it.

I don't like to do it when the kids are in the house.

I'm afraid they'll hear. That makes me nervous.

Nick, I've dated women with kids before.

There's an easy solution here. You just get 'em good and tired.

You have to treat children like they're dogs.

What do you want me to do? Put 'em to sleep?

I was gonna suggest maybe taking to the park

and throwing a Frisbee around.

Now what you got for me?

Because I'm not touching this girl

until I'm sure I'm not gonna end up on Dateline.

Did you check her driver's licence?

She's from New York. She doesn't drive.

When did she graduate high school?

She was home-schooled.

What's her favorite song?

Aaliyah. Age Ain't Nothing But A Number.

Produced by R. Kelly.

Why don't you just ask this girl how old she is?

Oh, man, she could say anything.

Did you ever look her up on the internet?

Mm-hmm. There are 48 Scorpios in a 200-mile radius.

Ages 14 to 69.

A 69-year-old named Scorpio?

Hmm.

That can't be good.

Maybe you should just cut her loose.

Uh, did you miss the part

where I showed you how hot she is?

Yep.

As hot as a night in Roman Polanski's Jacuzzi.

Okay, a little sexier this time.

You know, I'm beginning to worry about you two.

This isn't the first time.It's not like that.

Yes, it is.No, it's not.

You offered?Yes.

He said?No.

Question...[STUTTERS]

It doesn't matter what I was wearing, Gigi.

The man said he was tired.

Well, that's one of two things.

Either he has diabetes

or he has a girlfriend.

Nick is not sick

and he is not cheating on me.

It has to be something else.

Well, this is a long shot,

but maybe you should just ask him what's wrong.

I don't like to talk about my love life like that.

All clinical. Takes the magic out of it.

Any other suggestions?

Well, if he's too tired at night,

maybe you should just try him in the morning.

He can't be tired, then.

He just woke up.

[CHUCKLING]

Every now and again, you make sense.

All right, now, pucker up and say, "Burma is a war zone."

Burma's a war zone!

Nice.

Then we'll come out here.

And why are you making us go hiking, again?

Your mother needs some time to herself.

Are you guys fighting?

No. Sometimes if you love someone, you leave 'em alone.

You hear that, Lindsey?

If you love me, you leave me alone.

[BUZZING][YELLING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Look, this is a surprise. Do not tell your mother.

Uh-huh.Okay.

Hey, man, what are you doing here?

Oh, nothing.

I just wanted to introduce you to my friend, Scorpio.

It's really nice to meet you.

Martin told me so much about you.

Mm-hmm.Really?

"Scorpio," such an interesting name.

When is your birthday?

It's June.

Everybody thinks I'm named after the Zodiac sign,

but really, I'm named after some guy in a group,

The Grandmaster Five and the Furious Flash.

The Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five.

Right. My dad was like their biggest fan.

Oh, boy.

He must be a little older than me.

Like forty-something?

Actually, I don't know, my mother refuses to talk about him now.

He left her for a younger woman 10 years ago.

He's dead to her. Me too.

Wow. That must be tough' on the kid.

How old were you when they broke up?

Old enough to know I will never take another woman's man.

Ah, I don't want to hold you guys up. Where are you going?

We are going to the movies.

There's a special screening of Night at the Museum, one and two.

It is like my favorite movie ever.

And Robin Williams [GASPS] is so sexy.

The things I would do to him.

Come on, Martin. I don't want to be late.

Hey, babe, why don't you go wait out in the car?

I'll meet you there in a minute?

Sound good? [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Nice to meet you.Nice to meet you, Nick.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Okay.

I can't help it, man. Night at the Museum?

Robin Williams?

[SHUDDERS]

[SNORING]

[SNORING]

Sweetheart.

Good morning.BOTH: Morning.

[BUZZING][YELLS]

Lindsey, stop it.

Hey, you heard that one?

Yeah, I have great hearing.

If Mom and Dad dropped a pin in their room,

I'd be able to hear it.

LINDSEY: Awesome.

Not really. When they sleep, they make too much noise.

Honey, I missed you this morning.

Why didn't you wake me up?

Well, I know what it's like to be sleepy,

so I figured I'd let you get some rest, too.

Oh, so, what's going on?

Well, we got a big day planned.

I'm takin' the kids for a walk, then we're going to go to the park,

throw the Frisbee around and then we're going to go for a hike.

He's making us go.

Yeah, we only wanted to go to the movies.

Well, I wish you would have told me,

'cause I was hoping to spend a little time with you this morning.

Well, how about I make it up to you

and we spend a little time together tonight?

Mm.

How about you guys spend some time together right now

and me and Kevin can go to the movies by ourselves?

Because I don't want you to get kidnapped and molested

and have to raise your kids in some man's backyard.

Yeah.

I bet you guys don't hear anything tonight.

Come on, Lindsey.

Here we go. There you go, nice and tired.

Yeah.

Come on, Kev. Come on up, man. All righty.

Aw, look at you. There we go.

[SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS IN RELIEF]

[EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY]

[SNORING]

Nick?

Baby?

He's not in the kitchen.

Nick.What?

What is this?

What's what?

That.That? That's wine.

I know what it is.

So, you'd rather drink and sleep on the couch than be with me.

I'll tell you what.

You better pray to God you got diabetes.

Damn it.

Mom.What?

Are you okay?

I'm fine. What would make you think I'm not fine?

'Cause you're beating eggs with a knife.

I'm sorry, I don't really feel like cooking today.

Do you guys mind having cereal?

Okay.

[SIGHS WEARILY]

Can we eat the cereal with spoons instead of knives?

Sure.

Did Nick do something?

It's not what he did, sweetheart. It's what he didn't do.

I'm confused.

If guys get in trouble for stuff they do,

and then get in trouble for stuff they don't do,

how're you supposed to know what to do?

Just don't be stupid. That's how.

My little girl is growing up.

You're so smart.

[SIGHS WEARILY]

I don't know, man.

How am I supposed to explain this to a kid?

"What? That noise?

"Oh, last night.

"Mommy and Daddy was watching a movie, and Mommy got scared."

What? Oh, you heard me scream?

I got a little scared, too.

Who are you talking to?

Nobody. I was just thinking out loud.

Well, I hope you're thinking

about how to make what you did make sense to me.

Because I don't understand.

Do you have diabetes?

No. Why do you keep saying that?

Because I'm hoping for the best.

Nick, I understand your being tired.

But, you're too tired to lie down next to me, and you're drinking?

You got it all wrong.

Are you having man problems?

No, I am not having man problems.

Would you tell me if you were?

Yes.

[SIGHS WEARILY]

Okay, well, that's it.

I don't know what your problem is,

and you don't seem to want to tell me

and that's okay, but I'll tell you what.

Tonight, it's on.

Like Donkey Kong.

Got it?

Got it.

What's up?

Whoa, what happened to you?

Oh, nothing.

I had to tell Scorpio I got into a fender bender.

I think that girl is part octopus.

Anyway, I told her my neck will be healed in a couple of days

and she's like, "As soon as that thing comes off, it's on."

Yeah, a lot of that going around.

Women do not like to be turned down.

Yeah, even if your neck is broken.

They just won't hear it.

She won't hear it.

That's it!

I know exactly what you need.

This is the answer to your problems.

The phone?

[EXCLAIMING IN PAIN] What is that?

It's an ultrasonic ring tone.

The younger you are the better you hear it.

Kevin is ten, so he can hear up to 20 kilohertz.

Lindsey can hear up to 19.1, and she's 14.

I'm guessing if Scorpio can't hear anything over 17 kilohertz,

she should be in the clear.

That's insane.

I love it!

Take that stupid thing off.

Oh, good. I think I'm starting to get a rash.

Man, if this works, I definitely owe you one.

Can you pay me back now?

So you've been ducking Suzanne all this time

because you're afraid the kids would hear?

It just started last week.

Kevin was having bad dreams.

I didn't tell Suzanne because I didn't want her

to think I was having problems with her kids.

Oh, man, that's just regular stuff.

Says the man who hates kids.

I don't hate kids.

I simply respect children enough to know

I shouldn't be in their lives on a regular basis.

Anyway, you know what to do.

Yeah, yeah. I'm the kids. You're you and Suzanne.

You walk around, you play the sound,

I tell you when I can't hear it anymore.

Exactly.

We'll start downstairs and work our way around the house.

Although, you are newly weds.

I mean, what are we using for a demo here?

I mean, you don't have a tape...

That's my wife, man.

Hey, buddy, it's your experiment.

It's women's tennis.

Sorry?

You ever see a women's tennis match?

Sounds like...

[EXCLAIMING QUIZZICALLY]

For real.

Just keep listening.

All right.

NICK: [OVER RADIO] You ready?

Yes, Eagle one. We are. Go.

Can you hear it now?[WOMAN SQUEALING]

Oh, yes, I can.

Are you sure that's women's tennis?

Yes, I'm sure, it's women's tennis.

I'm turning this down.

Can you hear it now?

Uh-huh. Who is the high-pitched one?

Maria Sharapova.

I just never knew tennis was this compelling.

Can you hear it now?

Okay, right there. Nothing.

Dude, when did you unlock the secret of women's tennis?

The Williams' sisters. I started watching.

Let's go upstairs.

I want to see what you hear from the kids' rooms.

I'm tellin' you, man. This is a great find.

It's a lot less embarrassing to walk into blockbuster

and rent a tennis match.

What?

What was wrong with that guy?I don't know.

But I can bet you that's the last time

he'll ever throw a rock on a police car.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[WOMAN SQUEALING]

[WOMAN SQUEALING]

What's that?[WOMAN SQUEALING]

That sounds like...

BOTH: Oh, my God!

Okay. On three, we make covering noises.

You take the kids to the car

and go get them something to eat.

Okay.Do not bring them back until I call you.

Okay.One.

Suzanne.What?

I'm sorry. I was really hoping he had diabetes.

Thank you.

BOTH: One, two, three.

[BOTH SINGING] ♪ La la la la la la

♪ La la la la la la

[WOMAN SQUEALING]

I will not kill my man.

I will not kill my man.

I've gotta tell you, man,

I didn't think that was gonna work.

I hate to be on the down-low in my own house.

But you gotta do what you gotta do.

At least now the kids won't know, right?

Nick Kingston-Persons.

How could you?

Suzanne, no!

Do you love him?

Baby, you got it all wrong.

Don't touch me.

Suzanne.

Um, what the hell was that about?

Suzanne, no!

Gigi, it's a big misunderstanding.

I know she's there.

'Cause I can hear her tell you

to tell me that she's not there.

Just tell her to come home, please?

Gigi run an interference?

Yep.

After you talk to Suzanne, I need to talk to her.

We need to make sure things are perfectly clear.

This is how rumors get started.

And I should know because I've hooked up

with plenty of women by starting them.

Did the ring tones work out?

It turns out Scorpio can't hear anything above 15 kilohertz.

That's good. It means she's over 18.

Yeah, way over. She's 37.

And quote, too old to be messing around with some guy

who tries to figure out a woman's age by fooling with ring tones.

She said if I wanted to know how old she was, I should've just asked.

Like that's gonna work.

I guess you guys didn't...

No.

Can I borrow this?

Excuse me.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hey, baby.

Why're you ringing the doorbell? Haven't you got your key?

No.

But I can only take so many surprises in one day.

Nick, please make this make sense to me.

I mean, I can't believe what was going on in here.

We have kids!

I know. That's my problem.

Why are my kids your problem?

Look.

The reason I wasn't,

you know,

was because I was afraid the kids could hear us.

The sounds you heard earlier weren't me and Martin.

It was women's tennis.

It's the closest sound I could think of to what we weren't doing.

I wanted to see how loud things could get

without the kids hearing us.

Women's tennis?

Who was playing?

Maria Sharapova.

A white woman?

Can we have one argument at a time?

You're telling me the truth?

Yes.

Prove it.

What?The kids aren't here.

I told Gigi to keep them with her until I called.

Oh, then it's on.

Hey.What?

You better not be thinking about any white women.

[CHUCKLING]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

[LAUGHING]

[CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING]