Original subtitles

[LAUGHS]

TROY: Did you get the link I sent you?

You've got to see this. It's hilarious.

Yeah, it's still loading.

Okay, go ahead, Troy, and make a muscle.

All right. Check out these guns.

Those aren't muscles. These are muscles.

NICK: Kevin. Kevin, it's time for breakfast.

Hey, Dad.

What are you doing, boy?

I'm showing Troy my muscles.

Those aren't muscles.

These are muscles.

Wow!TROY: Wow!

My whole screen went black.

It's like a bicep eclipse.

Kevin's gotta go eat breakfast.

He'll see you later, Troy.

Bye, Mr. Kingston-Persons.

I'll catch you later.

Kevin?

Kevin, do you have my lotion in here again?

[BABY GOT BACKPLAYING]

♪ It's like, out there

♪ I mean, gross Look!

Boy, You're supposed to use it to make your skin soft.

♪ I like big butts And I cannot lieHey.

♪ You other brothers can't deny

♪ When a girl walks in With an itty bitty waist

♪ And a round thing In your face

♪ You get sprung Wanna pull up tough

♪ 'Cause you notice That butt was stuffed

♪ Deep in the jeans She's wearing

♪ I'm hooked And I can't stop staring

♪ Oh baby, I wanna get with you And take your picture

♪ My homeboys Tried to warn me

♪ But that butt you got Makes me so horny

♪ Ooh, rump-o'-smooth-skin

♪ You say you wanna Get in my Benz?

♪ Well, use me, use me

♪ 'Cause you ain't That average groupie

♪ I've seen them dancin'

♪ To hell with romancin'

♪ She's sweat, wet

♪ Got it goin' Like a turbo 'Vette

♪ I'm tired of magazines Sayin' flat butts Are the thing...

♪ Baby got back!

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

[TV PLAYING]

Dinner's almost ready.

What are you making?

Mom's teaching me how to make peppered salmon.

Awesome!

Peppered salmon is awesome?KEVIN: No.

I just pulled up this viral video.

It's an old lady dancing to Baby Got Back.

[ALL LAUGHING]

I love dancing to that song.

But who would record it and put it on the Internet?

[NICK LAUGHS]

Look at this fool.

She is a mess. Got no make-up on,

lookin' like a ghetto Lady Gaga.

[LAUGHTER]

Hey, that looks like your room.

Baby, those look like your pajamas.

What?

Mom, that looks like...

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

ALL: Oh, my God!

This is horrible.

I think it's hilarious.

Turn that off.

I didn't know you could dance like that, Mom.

You weren't supposed to find out on the Internet.

It's no big deal.

Cats are put online all the time.

And it doesn't seem to bother them,

because they keep doing stuff that's hilarious.

Your ever see surprise kitty?

I am not a cat!

I'm a wife, and a working woman and a mother.

And I'm not hilarious.

How did this video even get on there?

Did you record your mother without her knowing it?

Ew. No.

Did you leave your webcam running?

I don't know. Maybe.

Probably.

I guess. Yeah.

Man, I told you. You gotta be careful about that.

You leave your webcam running, people can capture video

on what they see from your computer, whether you're there or not.

[SIGHS] I can't believe this happened.

I'm on the Internet in my drawers doing the big butt dance!

It could be worse.How?

You could've been dancing to Ice Ice Baby.

♪ Ice ice baby

SUZANNE: Nick!Baby... [SIGHS]

What's she so upset about?

I mean, it's not like it's a sex tape.

What is wrong with you, man?

So, explain to me again why I'm here?

We're having a little family emergency.

Ooh, do I smell a divorce?

No, Ma.

I need you to help Lindsey finish making dinner while I deal with Suzanne.

I thought you invited me over here to eat dinner, not make it.

If I'd have told you that Suzanne and I were having a problem,

would you have come?

No.All right, then.

So, what's wrong with her?

I mean, other than the obvious?

It's a long story.

Well, it better be over by 10:30.

Mama got a hot date.

Hot! Hot, honey, I tell you, hot!

Ma.What?

How do you think you got here?

I just feel so violated, you know?

It's like I was spied on in my own house.

What else can record me without my knowing it?

Well, technically, anything that can receive a signal can transmit a signal.

So, the TV, the telephone, the radio, headphones...

[SIGHS] You're not helping.

I'm just trying to answer your question.

Okay, Nick, you're an IT guy. This is your world.

Isn't there some way to get the video off the Internet?

Well, unfortunately, once something's up on the Web, it's there for good.

[SIGHS]But don't worry about it.

This'll go away. You're not Kim Kardashian.

This week, it's you. Next week, it'll be a cat in a fishbowl.

What is up with you and cats?

Cats are funny.

Look, you can't even tell it's you.

Really?

Really.

Why do you think I hate it when you come to bed looking like that?

No, you don't understand.

I didn't put it on the Internet.

Hello? Hello?

Who's that?

I just had another client cancel because they saw the video.

Mom! What are you doing with my computer?

It's my computer

until you learn what that thing is capable of.

I know what it's capable of.

That's why I don't want you to take it.

How am I supposed to communicate with my friends?

Talk to them.How?

Face to face.

Like an old person?

You know, Suzanne, I don't think the video's that big a deal.

I mean, it's not like it's a sex tape.

Although, it'd be better for you if it were,

because I guarantee nobody would wanna see that.

Aren't you supposed to be eating?

I would, if I had some real food.

You don't like peppered salmon?

It's Mom's specialty.

Specialty, huh?

Lindsey, you need to learn how to cook some real food,

because you're not gonna get a man cooking like this.

I got a man cooking like this.

Baby, believe me, it was not your cooking.

Maybe it was your dancing.

I want a man to like me for my mind and personality,

not how I look or how I cook.

I had one of those once. It gets old, fast. Trust me.

Maybe that's not what got old.

You guys gonna eat, or are ya gonna fight?

All I'm saying is, I need to teach Lindsey how to cook some real soul food.

What's "soul food"?

The number two cause of death in black men over 40.

What's the number one cause?

Stress. Now, eat. Please.

Butter, butter, lard.

Chicken.

What is wrong with this thing?

It looks disgusting.

What is all this stuff wrapped around it?

That's called the skin.

Ew!

No. You mean... mmm.

You see, the skin is what gives the chicken the flavor.

Is this an organic, free-range chicken?

No. It's a flavorful, hard-knock-life chicken.

If that chicken was a rapper, he'd be Tupac.

Ooh! What do we need vodka for?

I'll give you a hint, it's not for the chicken.

Mom! Mom!

Kevin, why do you have your computer

when I took it away from you?

I thought my punishment was over.Nuh-uh.

I was just gonna watch a video.

Were you gonna watch the video,

or was the video going to watch you?

Go put that computer up in my bedroom.

And I don't wanna see it back in your hands until I put it there.

Yes, ma'am.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, Mrs. Kingston-Persons.

Hi, Troy. Hi, Jackie. Come on in.

Suzanne, can I talk to you for a moment?

Sure.

Suzanne, you need to be more responsible with your child.

What are you talking about?

Well, Troy was recording his web chat with Kevin the other day,

and the next thing he knows, you're in the room,

dancing around like Tila Tequila.

I was shocked.

Wait a minute. Troy did this?

And you're upset with me because he recorded me in the privacy of my own home?

He wouldn't have had anything to record

if you were a little more responsible.

I used to think the Internet was safe, but now...

If you're so responsible, Jackie,

then why is your son posting videos of people all over the Internet?

[SCOFFS] For your information, he is not posting videos of "people."

He posted a video of you.

Because the rest of the people

weren't dancing around in their underwear.

I feel like my innocence has been taken from me.

Are you at least going to make him say he's sorry?

Do you have any idea how many people might see this?

Half a million. But that was just yesterday.

By tomorrow, you'll probably pass Printer Cat.

[JACKIE CHUCKLES]

What is so funny?

I was just thinking about Printer Cat.

[MIMICS PAWING]

Okay, if it makes you feel any better,

Troy, just say you're sorry.

Sorry, Mrs. Kingston-Persons.

I hope you're satisfied.

You need to be more responsible with your child.

Whoo! If that lady pointed her finger at me one more time.

Goodness gracious!

I'm telling you, man, Suzanne's video is huge.

She's like the featured video of the day in 15 different websites.

Your wife might be the next Star Wars Kid.

My wife is not gonna be the next Star Wars Kid. Turn it off.

Turn what off?

Nothing. Just some stupid cat videos.

Oh, well, you guys must be the only ones watching that

because everyone else seems to be watching me.

Did you know that video of me has over a half-million hits?

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, that was yesterday.

Today, it's more like 3.5 million.

What?MARTIN: Oh, yeah.

You better hope that none of those kids

watching this video is good with Photoshop.

Nick, you're my man,

and you said that this was gonna go away.

So, I don't know how you're gonna do it,

but you have to get that video off the Web.

What am I supposed to do? I can't just shut down the Internet.

Have you tried?

[DOOR CLOSES]

Listen, man, you do what you need to do,

but if you shut down the Internet,

you and me are gonna have a problem.

Uh-uh.

Suzanne, why aren't you dressed?

We gotta get going.

How can you think of work at a time like this?

Because it's time to go to work.

I'm not going to work. I'm too embarrassed.

Gosh, you still worried about that stupid video?

Gigi, that stupid video has over 5 million hits.

And obviously somebody at work recognized me,

because my inbox is filled with videos of me dancing to Baby Got Back.

I even got an email from Sir Mix-a-Lot.

Well, it could be worse.How?

You could be dancing to Everybody Dance Now and Lord knows you don't

want an email from Freedom Williams.

Why do I keep falling for that?

You know what, you don't have anything to be embarrassed about.

Look at all these cool comments.

People think it's great.

They think it's fun.

[CHUCKLES] You're making them laugh!

Gigi, it's not funny.

How would you feel if this were a video of you?

If this were a video of me, I wouldn't be dancing,

and there would be a whole different set of comments.

Okay, I have Suzanne's video up.

Okay, click play, and tell me what happens.

Okay.

Oh, wait a second, I got like a billion pop-ups here.

Well, as a matter of fact, I would like to meet singles in my area.

Thank you for asking.

Okay, now the screen just froze.

Good. It works.

You wanted this to happen?

I can't shut down the Internet, but I can shut down the people.

If they try to watch this video,

it'll be the last thing they watch.

So, you're willing to crash 20 million computers

to save one marriage?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Okay. Now put a little salt in it.

Okay.

Oh, baby, they haven't taught you anything, have they?

Excuse me.

This is how you put a little salt in it.

Stir it up.

Okay.

Mmm! That smells good.

What are we having?

Well, Lindsey is making Southern fried chicken,

macaroni and cheese and collard greens.

And Marilyn's teaching me how to make pot liquor.

[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

"Pot liquor."

I hope she's also teaching you

how to make a cure for type 2 diabetes.

[LAUGHS]

Type 2 diabetes.

I worry about that kid.

MARILYN: For your information, I also taught Lindsey

how to make my sweet potato pound cake.

Of course, you won't want it, because you're afraid you might get type 2 diabetes.

[LAUGHS]

"Type 2."

KEVIN: Type 2, you're funny!,

MARILYN: Don't look at me, I don't know what's wrong with him.

You made sweet potato pound cake?

Yep. With buttercream frosting.

Oh, my God.

See? I told you, men can't resist soul food.

You're right.

This pound cake's going to make my blood pressure go up.

Well, have one of these, it'll send it right back down.

[KEVIN LAUGHS]

KEVIN: Blood pressure.

Great. Now my computer is frozen.

Look, try hitting the escape button.

I tried that. It didn't work.

It's still frozen.

Why do they even have an escape button

if it doesn't help you escape?

It feels more like a trap.

Press the "command" key, and start hitting all of the other keys.

What does that do?

I don't know, but we're about to find out.

Suzanne, I've solved your problem.

Thank you, honey.

But now I have a new problem.

I clicked on my video, and my computer is frozen.

That's not the problem.

That's the solution.

Just restart your computer, and everything will be fine.

I don't understand.

I'm your man.

You're responsible for this?

Yes, I am.

I figured I couldn't stop the video from circulating,

so I attached a virus to the keywords associated to the video.

Now, people will stay away from your video like the plague.

I have my own virus.

Yes, you do.

Oh, my God. That is so romantic.

I want a virus.

Give it time.

Nick.

She'll get one.

Dad gave you a virus? That's awesome.

Yes, it is awesome.

But what wasn't awesome was you leaving your webcam running

so Troy could record me.

I know. I'm sorry.

It's okay. Apology accepted.

Here's your computer back.

Thanks.Mmm-hmm.

Mom, have you seen the lotion?

Produce some ashy elbows, and then maybe you can have the lotion back.

Sweetheart, this is delicious. You did a fantastic job.

Thank you.

I'm gonna have to use my Bullworker for about five hours

to burn off all of these calories.

Pass the gravy.

I love gravy.I love gravy, too.

Gravy goes with everything,

chicken, biscuits, mashed potatoes.

Gravy even tastes good with gravy.

This gravy's so good, you don't need the food.

[LAUGHTER]

I gained three pounds just smelling it.

I'd have to dance like you in that video to burn it off.

[LAUGHTER]

You know, now that I think about it,

the video was kind of funny.

Plus, it all worked out in my favor.

It was so popular, I actually gained clients from it.

Wow!See? That's great!

Everything worked out for the best.

Whew! I haven't eaten like this in years.

You used to eat like this?

Sure. Every day, when I played football.

He didn't get to be 300 pounds by eating flavorless, skinless, stress-free chicken.

You know, as much as I hate to admit it,

this is just like a Sunday dinner.

Wow.

This is very good.My goodness.

♪ Shake that healthy butt

♪ Baby got back! LA face with Oakland booty

♪ LA face with Oakland booty

♪ Baby got back!

And in technology news,

reports are spreading of a crippling new computer bug

experts have dubbed the Dancing Housewife virus.

Apparently, when you click on this viral video

of a woman dancing to Sir Mix-a-Lot's hit Baby Got Back,

it freezes your computer, sends you countless pop-up ads,

and, in some extreme cases,

wipes out your entire hard drive.

[BOTH SHUDDER]

What time is it?

It's Thursday.

MARILYN: I forgot to warn you guys.

That's one of the side effects of eating soul food.

It's been known to put you to sleep.

For a day and a half?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

My ears keep ringing.

LINDSEY: That's not your ears, that's the doorbell.

Oh. Coming.

Coming.

[NICK GROANING]

NICK: Ow! My leg!

Hi, Mrs. Kingston-Persons.

Hi, Mr. Kingston-Persons.

Hi, Troy.

Do you guys have cake?

In the kitchen.

What can we do for you, Jackie?

The Dancing Housewife virus crashed my computer.

I need you to fix it.

What does that have to do with me?

Well, if your wife hadn't been prancing around on the Internet,

none of this would have happened.

If you knew that there was a virus, Jackie,

then why would you click on the video?

I was trying to figure out how you did it.

Is she still doing it, Nick?

Yep.

Maybe you can show me.Hmm.

Want some cake?

We got some sweet potato pound cake.

Let me fix this. Let me fix this.