Original subtitles

I got the afternoon free.

You wanna watch some of that doubleheader?

Actually, I'd love to,

but I'm going downtown to watch it with the guys.

Why wasn't I invited?

For the same reason we didn't invite Bernie Madoff...

Because we knew you were unavailable.

Listen, man, you just got married.

The other guys have been married for years,

and they still have to lie about where they're going.

Oh, yeah? Well, I can go if I want to,

and I don't have to lie about it.

So, you're gonna tell Suzanne

that you're gonna spend six hours on a Sunday in a bar,

drinking beer and watching baseball with a bunch of dudes?

Fifty dollars says that's exactly what I'm gonna say.

Exactly?

Exactly, exactly.

C'mon, Mom! That isn't fair!

That's like TI going to jail for killing Patrick Swayze!

Lindsey, that makes no sense!

Exactly!

What's going on?

Oh, well, the kids are asking me about their allowance,

but they haven't done any work around the house all week.

Now, I pay you guys an allowance to be nice,

I'm not gonna pay y'all just to live here anymore.

C'mon, your mother is right.

You kids know an allowance is payment for work.

Just like a job.

And if you don't do your job, you don't get paid.

Thank you, Nick.

We promise to do more work this week.Yeah. We promise.

And I promise to pay you when you do the work.

What about this week?

You should've thought about this week last week.

If you don't start thinking about next week this week,

you're gonna have the same problem next week

that you're having this week, when you could've solved it last week.

So, we're not gonna get our money from last week until next week?

What about this week?

There is no this week.

Now, I don't understand what you're worried about.

You have everything you need.

But it's summer. We need disposable income.

Well, by being lazy, you threw away last week's allowance.

So, I suggest, unless you want to dispose

of this week's allowance, you get to work.

Got it?BOTH: Got it.

Oh, hello, Martin.Hi, Suzanne.

What are you guys up to today?

Hmm. What are we up to, Nick?

Today, I am going to a sports bar,

on a Sunday, for six hours,

to drink beer and watch baseball with a bunch of dudes.

Great. Good for you.

See?

A real man doesn't have to lie to his wife. Now, pay up.

Next week.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

MARTIN: Hi.

[SIGHS]

Hi, there. Welcome to Booty.

Hello.

Man, I thought we were going to a regular sports bar.

You didn't tell me we were going to Booty.

What's wrong with Booty? It's a pirate-themed sports bar.

Hence the name "Booty." Like treasure.

WAITRESS: Hi, guys.

That's Treasure.

Man, I gotta get out of here. How am I gonna explain this to Suzanne?

Oh, aren't you the real man who doesn't have to lie to his wife?

We're doing exactly what you said we were gonna do.

We're at the bar, drinking beer, watching the game.

Yeah, but she's gonna want to know why I had to watch the game here.

Because Booty has such amazing...

Wings.

Ah. There are the guys.

Ahoy, mateys!

[GROWLING LIKE PIRATES]

These wings are disgusting.

What's the score of the game?

Thirty-six to 24 to 40.

Wow, this is a high-scoring game.

So, what did you tell Suzanne to get out of the house?

I told her I was coming to watch the game.

I didn't. I told my wife I was going to the grocery store.

And on my home, I'll be sure to stop at the grocery store.

Yeah, I told my wife I was going to a strip club,

but instead I came here.

What is wrong with you, man?

I got an idea.

Let's tell Treasure that it's Nick's birthday

and we'll get them to give him one of their special birthday celebrations.

Love that.

What special birthday celebration?

Come on, man! You never had a Booty birthday?

No, and I don't want a Booty birthday.

I didn't know it was your birthday, Nick.

How old are you?

Dude, I'm not...Oh, Treasure!

This scallywag be having a birthday.

Come on. Guys, no.

Someone has a birthday? Ladies.No.

Come on over here, we got a birthday.

Happy birthday.Are you ready?

No, I'm not. It's not my birthday.

[BOOTY MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Chicken wings, birthday cake Let me see that booty shake

♪ Chicken wings, birthday cake Let me see that booty shake

♪ Chicken wings, birthday cake Let me see that booty shake

♪ Booty birthday Booty birthday

♪ Booty birthday Booty birthday

♪ Booty birthday Booty birthday Booty birthday

♪ Drop it, drop it Drop it, drop it ♪

Okay, Mom. We finished all our chores.

I cleaned up my room and I took all the clothes out of my hamper.

Yep, and I made my bed and unclogged the toilet.

Kevin, aren't you the one who clogged the toilet?

Yeah, it was a good one!

So, do we get our allowances, now?

Guys, I'm really proud of you for doing those things, but no.

So, I unclogged the toilet for nothing?

No, you unclogged the toilet 'cause that's nasty.

So, what exactly do we need to do to get our allowance?

You need to show some initiative,

and I'll pay you for what it's worth.

We are showing initiative.

How?

By trying to convince you to give us money.

I'm so glad you had a good time today with your friends.

Where'd you guys go anyway? No Hitter?

No, I don't think so. It was some other place.

Was it The Scoreboard?

No, I don't think so.

Well, there's only a few sports bars.

You guys were downtown, right?

Yeah, I think so.

You think so?

Were you or weren't you?

I don't know. Martin was driving.

I was just out having a good time.

Nick.

Were you or weren't you downtown at a sports bar,

watching the baseball game?

I was.

Well...

You weren't at The Scoreboard.

You weren't at No Hitter.

So, where were you?

Dang. I don't remember the name of it.

Well, the only other place that's open on Sundays is Booty,

and I know you weren't at Booty.

Which one was that again?

The one with all the girls with the big booties

dressed in pirate outfits.

Come to think of it,

yeah, I think that's where we were.

You spent six hours drinking,

watching the game with your friends at Booty?

Baby, you told me to go out and have a good time.

Not when it's at Booty!

Baby, it's not what you think.

Look, they just have the most TVs,

the cheapest beer, and the best wings.

You lied to me!No, I didn't!

Look, baby, I didn't even know that's where we were going

until we got there.

Okay, so why didn't you tell me that's where you were when you got home?

Because it didn't come up. And when it did, I told you.

So, what's the problem?

You really don't know what the problem is?

No, I don't.

Well, you are about to find out.

Here's some more orange juice for you, Mom.

Thank you, Lindsey.

Let me get that for you, Mom.

Thank you, Kevin.

And we also got up extra early and washed your car

and swept up the front yard.

So, can we have our allowances now?

No.

What?How come?

Well, because I noticed that your beds aren't made,

and Lindsey, you have clothes all over the floor,

and Kevin, the toilet is backed up again.

Just because you wake up early

and wash my car and clean the front yard

doesn't mean you get to neglect your everyday chores.

So, I washed your car for nothing?

You didn't wash my car for nothing.

Now, both of you go upstairs and clean your rooms.

LINDSEY: Hi, Nick.Hey.

Where's my breakfast?

Why don't you eat at Booty, since you love their food so much.

Where's your breakfast? [SCOFFS]

That's ridiculous.

They don't even serve breakfast.

Let me ask you something, Gigi.

What do you do when you find out

a man's been withholding information from you?

Well, it depends on two things...

The kind of information, and how I found out.

Like this one time I found out not only was this guy cheating on me,

but he was lying about his money.

How'd you find out?The other woman told me.

He and I had just come back from Aruba,

and she said he had just taken her to Aruba.

And I was gonna stay with him, until I found out

where he was getting his money from.

Where?From her.

If I'd known that, I would have gone to Aruba with her

and we both could have got a man.

Does that help?

Not really.Oh.

Is Nick hiding something from you?

Well, yesterday, he went to watch baseball

for six hours with his friends at Booty.

Booty? I love Booty!

You do?I do! It's so much fun.

How'd you find out?

I asked him, and he admitted he went.

You asked him a question, and he could've lied,

but he told you the truth, and now you're mad at him?

Yes.

I can see that.

[BOOTY MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Hit it, hit it, Hit it, hit it

♪ Chicken wings, birthday cake

♪ Do that booty birthday shake ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

We need to talk about Booty.

Suzanne, I still don't know what the big deal is.

Look, it's just a fun place where guys go to watch games.

SUZANNE: Mmm-hmm.

So, who won the game?

The, um...

And that's why it's a big deal.

Oh, so now, I got to tell you about every place I go to do everything I do?

When you go grocery shopping,

I don't know exactly where you go.

Because the guys bagging my groceries

aren't walking around with oily pecs,

in jock straps, talking about paper or plastic.

"Helicopter, helicopter, hey."

Are you done?

Look, Suzanne, it's not like that.

Okay, you're overreacting.

I told you, they have the best wings.

All right, all kinds of people go there.

Families, everybody.Really?

Really.

Okay, fine. I believe you.

Thank you.

So, tonight, you, me and the kids are gonna eat at Booty.

Excuse me?

We're gonna order the wings.

And you can turn your music back on.

So, you sure you wanna do this?

Yep, I really wanna taste those wings.

I can't believe we're really gonna eat there.

Me neither. This is awesome! I've always wanted to go there.

For what?

It's food served by pirates!

Yeah. In booty shorts.

Well, here we are. Just like you wanted.

Whoa. Look at the size of those jugs!

Kevin, that is no way to talk about a woman.

He's talking about the pitchers of beer.

SUZANNE: Oh.

Whoa! Look how big that booty is!

He's talking about the treasure chest by the door.

No, I'm not.

This place is tacky. Are we really gonna eat here?

Yes, we are.

I'm doing this to prove a point to your father.

What point? That he has no taste in food?

Hey, Nick! How you doin'? How's it goin'?Hey. Treasure?

Yes.I'm Suzanne. I'm Nick's wife.

Oh, Suzanne. Beautiful.

Thank you.I didn't know you were married, Nick.

That's great.

Well, you have your beautiful kids with you.Thank you.

Okay, so what can I get you to order?

We have heard so much about those wings.

Those wings. So, how about I bring you some over?

Great.All right, birthday boy. I'll be right back.

Birthday boy?

Oh, I almost forgot.

Martin and the guys thought it'd be funny

if they told the waitresses it was my birthday.

Oh, and what type of celebration do they do?

Oh...

You just get some free wings and they sing "Happy Birthday."

It's no big deal.

All right, ladies. Listen up! We got another birthday.

Booty birthday, come on.

[BOOTY MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Hit it, hit it Hit it, hit it

♪ Chicken wings, birthday cake Do that booty birthday shake ♪

Kevin, eyes front.

[VIDEO GAME PLAYING]

Sorry, buddy. You got yourself into this one.

What are you talking about?

You're the one that dragged me down there!

Yeah, but I didn't tell you to turn it into a family field trip.

It doesn't matter. She would've gotten mad, anyway.

Yes, but if you had told her, she would've gotten mad ahead of time,

which is a lot better.

None of this wouldn't have happened

if she hadn't seen that stupid birthday celebration.

Nick, please tell me she did not witness a Booty birthday.

She witnessed a Booty birthday.

Oh, come on, man!

Listen, you say you want my help,

but then you won't even tell me everything that happened.

You're like Keyser Soze, just doling out little pieces of information,

hoping that I'll figure it out

like I'm The Closer or something.

Do I look like Kyra Sedgwick to you?

You want my advice? Here it is.

Be Nick. Okay?

Don't be some phony acting Nick

who thinks he can do whatever he wants, even though he's married.

Because if your wife is mad at you,

and you were with me,

it's only a matter of time before I start catching heat.

And if I wanted some wife to be mad at me,

I'd go to Russia and I'd buy one of my own.

Okay, Mom, we finished everything.

So, can we have our allowances now?

Well, I guess you guys have earned it.

Yes!Yes!

All right, Kevin, go get my purse, please.

Thank you.

KEVIN: Fifty dollars.

Okay, here you go. Five dollars each.

Five dollars?

That's it?

If we'd known we were only gonna get paid five dollars,

we would've never did any of this stuff.

Which is exactly why I didn't tell you I was giving you $5.

Okay. I'm going to go back upstairs,

take all my clothes out of my hamper

and throw them back down on the floor.

I'm gonna go re-clog the toilet.

Freeze!

So, just because I don't give in to your demands,

you're gonna go destroy my house?

Who are you, the Taliban?

I do not negotiate with terrorists.

So, here is the deal.

You're either going to take the $5,

or you're going to take nothing.

We'll take it.

And you'll be happy about it.

Thank you.

Ya'll better not mess up my house.

[BOOTY SONG PLAYING]

♪ Chicken wings, birthday cake Do that booty birthday shake

♪ Yeah, baby, yeah Yeah, baby, yeah

♪ Yeah, baby, yeah Yeah, baby, yeah ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

Nick. Can we have, like, 20 bucks each?

Like, no.

Didn't your mother give you your allowance?

Yeah, but it was only five bucks.

And a full day at the mall's gonna cost me at least a 20.

Well, why don't you take that five bucks

and spend a quarter day at the mall?

Or you can save that five bucks and keep doing work

until you have the money you need.

That's the lesson your mom's trying to teach you.

We don't want lessons. We want money.

Do you want to live to spend it?

Sorry.

What do you need the money for?

I don't know.

Stuff.Stuff?

You guys are pulling your hair out because you want money,

and you don't even know what you want it for?

We want mad money.

I'm not giving you guys money

just so you can have it. I'm sorry.

We forgive you.

Now, can we have some money?

No. Do some work.

Fine. Maybe I'll get a job at Booty.

Suzanne, what are you afraid of?

That he's gonna leave you for a girl with a big booty and a bucket of wings?

I don't know.

Let me tell you this. Big booty is unavoidable.

It's at the park.

It's at the grocery store. It's even at church.

You can't hide from big booty.

Big booty, it's everywhere.

I know that booty is everywhere.

I don't need him to pretend it's not.

But if he's gonna go there,

I just want to know about it. That's all.

Well, have you tried telling him that?

I mean, come on.You're good.

Thank you.

Man, I don't know how you do it.

I wish I was more like you.

Every time you get in trouble, you just blurt out the truth.

They always say the cover-up is worse than the crime.

Hey, baby.SUZANNE: Hey.

I just ran into the kids.

Thank you for backing me up.

Well, you're right. You're teaching them a valuable lesson.

I'm trying to.

You know, you could've just told me you were at Booty.

I was afraid you would have gotten mad.

That's right. I would have.

Then, what am I supposed to do?

You're supposed to get used to me getting mad at things.

Great.No, but I would've gotten over it.

I don't understand why you even want to go there.

Okay, I understand.

Look, it's not even that I want to go to Booty.

It's just that I don't like knowing

there are places I might want to go and can't.

Nick, I don't care where you go.

I just care about what you do.

I'll tell you what.

You tell me beforehand, and you can go to Booty

anytime you want.

Except your actual birthday.

Why? What do you think I might do?

End up in the hospital,

if I even think you did something besides eat wings.

I have all the wings I need right here.

Oh. I forgot. I got you something.

You got me something?Yeah.

It's for me. But it's mostly for you.

Oh.

Well, first we'll dive into these

and then we'll dive into those.

[SINGING BOOTY SONG]

♪ Don't stop

[BOTH VOCALIZING]

♪ Booty, booty, ooh, ooh

[CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING]