Original subtitles

Who sends wedding invitations in a shoe?

I mean, I went to college.

I never imagined this is how I'd be making money.

That's not how I'd imagined you'd be making money, either.

But when I did imagine it, you were wearing gold pumps.

Please.

I'm too much of a shoe whore to even think about these things touching my feet.

I'm so glad you said "shoe."

What?

How many more do we have to do?

I don't know, but bridezilla just invited 30 more guests.

I need to e-mail the shoe store

and ask them to hold eight more boxes.

No! No! No!

Hey, baby. What's wrong?

The Internet keeps going out.

Let's see.

Oh. Looks like you got a problem with your reception.

You only got one bar.

Well, how many bars do I need for Internet access?

Usually, two or three.What?

You see, this is what I'm talking about.

Why would they tease with one bar?

You're either on the Internet, or not.

"Here's one bar. You're almost there.

"Not quite. We'll talk to you when you have more bars."

It's just cruel.

NICK: I'll take care of it for you.

I'll pick up another wireless router when I get back.

Thank you, honey.

What ya'll doing? Cleaning out your closet?

Please! Like I'd wear shoes without toe cleavage.

Toe cleavage is only important to a guy if your toes are a 36D.

Clearly, he does not know what I can do with my toes.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Hey, Troy. Come on in.

Hi, Mr. Kingston-Persons. How are you feeling today?

NICK: I'm good. Are you looking for Kevin?

Sure. Unless you want to hang out.

He's upstairs.

Hey, Dad. Do you want to take me shopping?

No.

Thanks for nothing.

Hey, Gigi, have you seen my mom?

She's with a client. Why?

Because I want her to take me to the mall,

so I can buy these diamond earrings

I've been saving up for.

They cost $50.

Fifty dollars?Yep.

Oh, baby, those are your starter diamonds.

I'm not doing anything. I'll take ya.

Yes!

[SQUEALS]

Fifty-dollar diamonds.Exactly.

That is so cute.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Look what I got.Cool!

What's his name?

He doesn't have one.

But you can give him one, if you want.

How about "Whitey"?

I guess. It's a bit obvious, but it works.

Want to keep him for a day?

I can't. My dad's afraid of rats.

Just keep him in your drawer. Your dad'll never find it.

Unless he looks in the drawer.

Good idea.

I wish I lived in a drawer.

Well, I gotta go. My mom thinks I'm in the bathtub.

Your eyes are really pink.

A little bed.

Hey, Dad! What you doing in here?

I need a stronger Wi-Fi signal,

so I'm gonna install this router in your closet.

Oh, do you know how long you are going to be in there?

Why, is there someplace else you want me to be?

No. Just wondering if you'd, you know,

be in there a long time or not,

just in case somebody was looking for you.

[RAT SCRATCHING]

What was that?What?

I thought I heard a scratching noise.

Oh, that was me. My skin is all dry.

Mom keeps taking her lotion.

What is it with the two of you and lotion?

Is that why you don't want me in here?

No, no. Just, uh, my skin's all dry.

Try taking a bath. That'll get rid of the funk and the itch.

Good idea.

Bye.

That was close.

Whitey?

Whitey? Whitey!

[SIGHS]

[CHUCKLES] Not the pimp walk.

Is that enough bars for you?

Internet in the car. I am impressed.

But my question is, does it work in the house?

Excuse me, excuse me.[LAUGHS]

Got something to show you right here.

Bam!

If you're workin' on the couch...

[MIMICS TYPING]

You are connected.

If you're workin' on the counter, you're connected.

[LAUGHS]

If you do the robot in the dining room...

You are fully connected.

With bars like this...

you might get fully connected.

Ooh! You're sexy when you drop your firewall.

Mmm!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[SIGHS]

Hey, Troy. Come on in.

Hi, Mr. Kingston-Persons. Hi, Mrs. Kingston-Persons.

Hi, Troy. Kevin's upstairs.

I like the way you read my mind.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.Hey.

Hi, sweetheart. You been shopping?

Yes! Yes, I have.

Oh, I'm gonna get out of here before all the,

"Oh! That's so cute!"

[LAUGHS]

Look at this, Mom. Bam!

Oh! That's so cute!

LINDSEY: Look at this.

Bam!

Oh, and that's not all.

Look.

Bam!

Lindsey, where'd you get the money for all this?

GIGI: Oh, I ran into an old boyfriend, and we tried to shake him,

but we couldn't.

So, we let him buy us a bunch of stuff.

GIGI: Mmm-hmm.

You're telling me you let some man buy Lindsey all these things?

Oh, and my earrings. And I still have my 50 bucks.

Lindsey, I don't want you becoming one of those women

who accepts gifts from strange men.

But, Mom...No "buts." Please, go to your room.

Gigi and I need to talk.

Where do you think he went?

I don't know. He was in my drawer,

and then three seconds later, he was gone.

Dude, you've still got race car underwear?

What are you, nine?

Troy! We've gotta find Whitey.

If my dad sees him, somebody's gonna end up dead.

I don't know if it's gonna be him, us, or the rat.

All this talk of rats is making me hungry.

Does your mom have pita pockets?

Z, I don't know why you're so upset.

My daughter just got a bunch of free stuff from some man.

It wasn't just "some man."

He was a man I know who likes me,

who I don't like, who's trying to convince me

to like him by buying me stuff.

I don't think there's anything strange about that.

I don't want Lindsey thinking that's how life works.

That is how life works!

That's what's so great about being a... woman.

[GIGGLES]

How about she uses her other assets

to get what she wants, like her brain?

Stupid women do not get free Prada bags.

Gigi, I don't want Lindsey doing what you're doing.

I'm not raising her to be dependent on men.

Is you accepting flowers

any different from me accepting a trip to Puerto Rico?

Yes.

In principle?

Okay, are you independent?

Did you buy this house by yourself?

Are you raising your kids by yourself?

And you know what? I am not the one

who goes running to her man

every time she can't get a signal on her computer.

No, you run to the mall,

and let a man buy you a new computer.

That was one time!

Are you saying I'm a bad influence?

Yes. I guess that's what I'm saying.

[SCOFFS]

You know what, I don't need some holier-than-thou friend

judging me on what I do.

'Cause I'm a good person, Suzanne.

I am not the hypocrite!

[DOOR CLOSES]

NICK: Hey, Kevin!

Be cool, be cool, be cool.

Hey, Mr. Kingston-Persons.

The Internet is down. You boys been messing with the wires?

BOTH: No.

KEVIN: Can you fix this later?

We were just about to watch an episode of Mojo Joe.

How are you going to watch it if the Internet is down?

That's okay. I gotta go, anyway.

My mom thinks I'm with the nanny at the grocery store.

[NICK AND KEVIN SCREAMING]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Hey!

What is the matter?

We have a rat!

Nick, it's a rat, not Al-Qaeda.

Those traps I set out last night? All tripped.

That rat is playing tricks on me.

Yeah, well you're not the only one with a problem.

Gigi's not speaking to me. I don't even know if she's showing up for work.

I know I'm not. I'm taking a rat day.

I mean, Gigi crossed the line, didn't she?

She can do whatever she wants.

I just don't want her doing it in front of our daughter.

Does our daughter know there's a rat loose in the house?

Oh, she doesn't care.

She's probably dreaming of her next trip to the mall.

She needs to watch out for those mall rats.

Nick.

Shh, shh, shh. You hear that?

My God.

Will you please stop worrying about the stupid rat?

Baby, rats are not stupid.

Did you know they're not indigenous to the United States?

They come from Norway!

You cannot be stupid and get to Seattle from Norway.

Rats are everywhere, like Carmen Sandiego.

Go!

SUZANNE: Nick?

Nick!

I am in the middle of a crisis with my best friend

and our daughter, and you're on a ladder, hiding from a rat.

Gigi did what Gigi does.

You know how she is.

I guess. I just didn't expect her to be that way

in front of Lindsey.

Look, Lindsey's a smart girl.

Just because she got a free pair of sunglasses

doesn't mean she's gonna end up

like Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton or Britney Spears.

You know, white women.

Have faith in our daughter.

That's all you got? "Have faith"?

Are those rat droppings?

Oh, that stuff is deadly.

You can get leptospirosis, salmonellosis,

trichinosis, tuberculosis.

You can also get a broom and sweep it up.

Baby, can you get me the broom?

Why don't you just have faith that the rat won't bite

and get the broom yourself?

Oh, you're funny. Come on, baby. Get me the broom.

Baby?

Babe?

Suzanne?

Your perimeter is clear.

When was the last time you've seen him?

Well, technically, I haven't seen him, but I know he's here.

How do you know?

There were bite marks in my router cables.

And you believe this to be a rat?

It was either that, or the Indian in the Cupboard.

The Indian in the Cupboard. Man, I love that movie.

Didn't it have a little Indian in it?Yeah, and a little bear.

And the rats tried to get him.

That was terrifying, right there.

Look, that's why I'm telling you this thing is smart, man.

Look, I set traps out last night,

and this morning, they were all tripped.

That tell me it was more than one.

Look, I saw this on Nat Geo.

Did you know that rats can meet, court, and mate

in less than three-and-a-half seconds?

That's almost as fast as the Kardashians.

I hate to say this, man, I can't help ya.

Your whole house has been compromised.

Now, look, if we don't find this rat in the next 24 hours,

it's gonna be hell to pay.

I got to get some heavy artillery.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You got a gun, man.

What else do you need?

Do you think this little-bitty gun is gonna kill a city rat?

Boy, you got a lot to learn.

What's that?

[DOOR CLOSES]

Man, I hate it when he does that.

Hey, Lindsey. What you got?

String cheese.

Careful not to drop any. You know there's a rat loose in the house?

Ew, gross, Nick. You know I hate rats.

See, that's what I'm talking about.

So what's going on with you and your mom?

She thinks I'm a tramp because some strange guy bought me some sunglasses.

She doesn't think you're a tramp.

She doesn't want you accepting gifts from men you don't know.

Neither do I.

Duh. Don't you think I know that?

Besides, that's an epic fail.

So, what did you get, anyway?

It's in the dining room. You wanna see it?

Can you bring it in here?

Nope.

Wow, those look expensive.

How much were they?

I don't know.

Rat! Run, Lindsey, run!

[SCREAMS]

Go, go, go!

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMING]

[CONTINUES SCREAMING]

Don't look at me like that, Char.

We all have our fears.

I'm afraid of rats, and, obviously, you were afraid of championships.

Hey, Nick.Martin!

Don't sneak up on me like that, man!

I didn't. What the hell's wrong with you?

I can't work, I can't sleep. I'm jumpy, edgy.

Another fight with the missus, huh?

No, we didn't get into a fight.

There's a rat loose in the house.

Did you know one pair of rats can shed over a million body hairs each year?

Rats' front teeth never stop growing.

And if they don't gnaw on things,

the teeth can get up to five inches long.

A rat can enter any space a half an inch wide.

And they can swim as far as a half-mile in open water.

And a rat can drop 50 feet without injury.

And they have a 36-inch vertical jump.

So, that means if a rat fell out of a plane into the ocean

half a mile away from me, and I was on an island

up in a tree, sealed up in a box

with only a half-inch opening for air,

that rat could still get in and kill me?

[DOOR CLOSES]Martin!

Martin!

Were you this mad at me?

You took all my hard work and threw it on the floor?

Yes, I was this mad at you,

but no, I didn't do this. Nick thought he saw a rat.

Well, what was he gonna do?

Embarrass it to death by making it wear these shoes?

Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe you don't need my help,

because you're an independent woman

who can do everything herself.

You don't mean that, do you?

No.And I didn't mean it

when I said you were a bad influence.

And I didn't mean it when I said you always run to men for help.

I didn't mean it when I said you weren't good enough to be around my daughter.

You didn't say that. I said that.

I let you say that, and I didn't say anything.

BOTH: I'm sorry.

SUZANNE: I love you.Mmm.

I love you.I love you, too.

And ZZ, you should know me by now.

I don't do anything I don't want to do.

Men do nice things for me for different reasons.

And just because I don't agree with the reason,

doesn't mean I shouldn't benefit.

I just don't want Lindsey to end up

like Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears.

You know, white women.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Lindsey's going to grow up and be a beautiful woman.

She's gonna have to learn what to take and not,

when and why and why not to take it.

Hi, sweetheart.Hey, Mom.

Can you return these for me?

Why?

Because I wanted to buy my own earrings.

Oh, and here's 50 bucks.

No, you don't have to do that.

I know, but I want to.

Well, that is very independent of you.

Thank you.Sweetheart...

You know, if you want to keep the glasses and the wallet, you can.

Really?Yeah.

Well, actually I really don't like the wallet that much,

so you can take that one back.

What are you doing with my money?

You didn't buy those earrings.

And I need something to put in my new wallet.

[LAUGHS]

Did you know rats have incredible physical memory?

They always retrace their steps.

Where was the last place you saw him?

In my drawer.

Did you check there?

[MIMICKING] Did you check there?

Did you check there?

Whitey!

Do you know what rats are capable of?

A lot of people think rats are stupid,

but you don't get from Norway to Seattle by being stupid.

I know!Okay, you ready?

Yeah.All right, let's hit it.

Wait, wait, wait. Take this.

What's this?

It's a letter to Suzanne.

If anything should happen to me, make sure she gets it.

Oh, yeah, you might not make it, huh?

I'll tell her.

Okay, on my go, all right?Yeah.

Ready, one, two, three. Let's hit it!

I said hit and quit it!

No! You can't kill Whitey. He's Troy's pet rat!

No, he's not.What?

It's not a pet rat, it's a food rat.

Little boy, you was gonna eat that rat?

I remember when I had my first rat.

I was in the jungle in Indonesia.

I took it down with a glass of Agent Orange.

I wasn't gonna eat it.

I bought it to feed my uncle's pet python.

Why would you bring that rat in here knowing I'm scared of 'em?

I'm sorry, Dad. I wasn't thinking.

You do realize I'm only 10?

Well, I gotta go. The snake's starting to get hungry.

So, you're just gonna let him feed Whitey to a snake?

Yeah. You saw The Lion King.

It's the circle of life, dude.

Yup, hakuna matata.

What's that?What?

[DOOR CLOSES]

[CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING]