Original subtitles

Okay, so I was thinking we start with your three-year goals.

We work back from that to your one-year goals,

and then we break those down month by month.

- Is that a copy of my passport? - Yeah.

How did you get that? I don't even know where the real one is.

Oh, Alyssa180 has a whole file on you, already.

We take care of everything.

So, like, if there was a problem with your visa,

you needed to shoot in Paris, we would take care of that for you.

So then, I could just focus on fucking French guys.

Yeah, or the job that you flew there to do.

Okay, so I wanted to talk about your career.

- My career. - Your career!

You're in a really good place.

You know, you're like a New York "it" girl

but you don't wanna stay there for too long.

You don't wanna be, like, 35 posting to your Depop account.

But if you can expand into the health

and the fitness markets, next thing you know,

Erewhon smoothie, then legging collab.

Then boom, we got the Midwest, and that is when we buy houses.

And you could buy a house next to me,

and then we could build a tunnel underneath.

Oh, my God. Of course we're having tunnels.

Tallulah?

Are you serious right now?

- Paulena. What… - Who is that?

You thief. You stole my Balenciaga.

Why are you in LA?

Do the right thing. Give it back.

Did you just try to hit me?

I did not touch you, you psycho.

No, that's… No!

- Oh, my God. We don't have to yell. - Oh, my God!

- We can figure this out quietly. - What the fuck?!

This is supposed to be my vacation.

- Okay. - Are you out of your mind?!

- Go fuck yourself! - I will!

- With your boyfriend's cock! - No!

Have fun at tennis, you Lululemon-ass bitch!

Okay. Legging collab.

And then, I was like, "Go away, bitch."

- Like, she was scared. - She was scared of you?

She basically robbed Tallulah in broad daylight.

Well, I mean, like, I kind of robbed her first, but…

Yeah, doesn't give her a right to act insane.

Like, you guys, she was practically faking a seizure.

- Yeah. - Okay, sorry, that's illegal.

The only time that that would be, like, remotely acceptable

is if she had to, like, deboard a plane.

Ew, why is she wearing these disgusting necklaces in every photo?

- Oh, my God. - Ew!

- Are they charms? - Yeah, they're charms.

- Oh, my God, the charms! - Not the charms in 2025.

It's two dollars of plastic. She sells them for $500.

Okay, that one's kind of beautiful.

No, it's not!

- It's not. - They're all disgusting.

Why are they being lesbians?

I mean, they've always been super codependent.

There was a year in college they only called each other

Roger and Munchy.

Ugh, I hate inside jokes. It's like, why not me involved?

- Hi, baby! - Hey.

I had so much fun.

- Yeah? - Yeah, I love my friends.

- That's amazing. - I love them so much.

That's amazing.

- Hello. - Are you horny?

- Not, like, really. - Really?

- Yeah, I mean… - What are you reading?

It's The Rise of the Third Reich, so, not very sexy.

- Whoa. - Yeah.

Could you make it horny?

I mean…

Maybe.

We can try.

Maia?

- Yeah? - Can I have some sweatpants?

Oh, yeah, baby, I have a pair. You can come in.

Okay. Oh! Sorry. I could come back.

Oh, no, no. Come in, come in. It's fine, we're just hanging out.

- Are you sure? - Get comfy with me.

Sleepover!

Sleepover! Sleep…

Did you see the brief from Duracell? It's up on the grid.

I know, it's so weird.

They want someone for a Halloween campaign who can ride a bicycle?

What's your cadence with Tallulah been like?

You guys have like a Zoom? Like, go set up Zoom or something?

No. I mean, we're, like, best friends,

so it's not like a typical relationship, you know?

Yeah. Typical relationship, as in,

like, two dates and then nothing?

No, it's okay. I'm actually really good being single right now.

- I love that. - Yeah, it's really good.

But it must be complicated working with a friend.

I mean, sometimes it's annoying.

You know, she's, like, texting me funny shit,

I'm like, "Bitch, I have to work."

- Yeah. - I can't keep laughing, you know?

- Yeah. - Stop.

- Mm-hmm. - But I love you.

Yeah, that can be a lot to have them texting you

all the time, so I'd set the tone immediately.

It's like how I always tell guys on first dates that I want a C-section.

- Oh. - It's important to set

the boundary super early.

You know, make sure we're on the same page.

Yeah.

And they like to know that, 'cause then I can keep it tight,

'cause down the line, they…

that's gonna be good for them. They like it tight.

So…

You got a text?

Mimi, oh my… You are literally bone thin.

I love what Corbin is doing with your body.

He's still doing, like, the cell-scraping stuff?

No, but it's not even about being thin for me anymore.

Honestly, it's about strength.

Like, I need Mimi Rush

to be the strongest Mimi Rush she's ever been for this tour.

- I love that. I love that. - Thank you.

- Yeah. - Genius. Mimi, by the way,

I forgot to tell you, Acne sent over

an extra jacket for you that's, like, way too big.

I don't understand, it's, like, they randomly sent my size,

which I'm like, I can send it back, but…

- Charlie. - Yes?

You know how I told you about my new music video?

We finally locked down who's gonna play my mother,

and that's what's really gonna tie it all together.

You wanna tell me?

Zendaya.

What? Zendaya, as your mom?

Wow, so there's flashbacks to when you were a baby?

Or like, how are you gonna work that out with…

- Mm, no, she's my mother. Now. - Right.

- And I'm me. Now. - Right. Right.

No, only because of the…

age that she is, ma… yeah.

I just think she reads maybe a little…

No, no, no. I think you don't understand because you don't have a brain for film.

I think you might have a brain for clothes, and like

being gay.

Gay, clothes, end of person.

Victoria, what did she say her favorite part was

of the mood board that we sent over?

So, she hasn't actually engaged.

- Hm? - I followed up with her and her reps.

Nothing.

If I may, I have heard she does this.

She's flaky, she's in, she's out.

She, like, you know, isn't kind of there for people.

Like, she, you know, people want her to be there,

and she's often elsewhere.

- Who said that? - Who…

Yeah, who said that? Like, what are some examples?

Oh, God. Ju… No, it's… There's so many that I've heard, that it's just…

And I'm very distracted 'cause I'm just… I'm focused

on these fabulous boots!

That we're gonna, like, make work with the look.

And, yeah, I'm gonna think on that,

and I will get back to you, 'cause it does… it is important to me.

I want you to feel that she is a bad person.

Oh.

Hi. I'm Alani.

My dad made that,

and, like, these.

Of course, Alani Marcus. Our VP of Creative Projects.

Yes, thank you.

Yeah, I'm sorry, my dad just gave me that title.

It's, like, fake. But I had a package shipped here.

Okay.

Oh, my God, cute. Sorry…

Sorry, I'm just gonna look for your foot mirror.

Oh. Oh, my God.

- I'm so sorry. Hi. - Alani?

- Yes. Yes, hi! Hi, guys! - Right. Hi!

Hi, sorry, we're just in the middle of a meeting.

Could I help you find something, or…

Oh, sorry, I did not mean to interrupt.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Our VP of Creative Projects

- is always welcome. - Okay.

- Yeah. Mm-hmm. - Okay, thank you.

Wow, okay, well, I'll just sit down then.

Wow. How fun.

So what y'all doing?

Well, we are talking, and working on a TV show

that we are developing.

It's kind of like Gen Z Clueless, right?

- Oh. - It, it's…

It's about growing up in LA, and it's set in a private school.

Stop. I went to private school. In LA. I went to Crossroads.

I have so many amazing stories.

Do you guys wanna hear them, or do you guys not wanna hear them?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Of course, any specific stories you have about

shopping on Rodeo Drive, or your first kiss

- in a convertible, or… - Okay, wait, wait.

I had my first boyfriend in eighth grade.

- His name was Ryan, he was so cute. - Oh.

Everyone was, like, so jealous of me.

Yeah, okay, so for our first date, we went to Katsuya Brentwood.

- Ooh. - And got the omakase, of course.

Whoa! Wow, Ryan must have been a little stud.

- I mean, he was. - Well, did his parents take you, or…

No, so Ryan drove us. I mean, he was 28.

He was a really good driver. But he was always so exhausted

'cause of his newborn.

Slob.

- Oh yeah. - I'm quite close.

- Mm-hmm. - I'm quite close.

Oh, God. Oh, I wanna hear you cum on the phone.

- Oh, my God! - Oh, shit!

I'm sorry!

- I'm almost done. - Okay.

But then, his wife, like, found our texts

and, like, made him move back to the East Coast

with her family.

And I was so sad 'cause he had to go, that my dad got me a convertible.

So, that's your convertible story right there.

But…

- Am I boring you guys? - No.

There's just a lot to think about.

- Okay, yay. That's good, though. - Mm-hmm.

Okay, great.

Thank you.

- Mm-hmm. - VP, out. Thank you.

- Bye, guys. Yay! - Bye.

If the amount of merchandise she stole

- is over a certain amount… - Wait, wait, wait, wait. Dad, Dad.

So, extradition is when you're getting sued by another state?

No, it's when one state asks another to send you back.

Okay, but if you have a warrant in one state,

can you work in another state, or no?

Yeah, you're gonna be fine.

They won't freeze her assets just for a warrant.

Okay. Alright.

That's good. That's good.

Her bigger issue is keeping a job during the trial.

Trials drag on for years,

so it's important Tallulah stashes money early.

Wait, stashes money?

Her card got declined at fucking Starbucks this morning.

Do you remember Bob Seaglass? He's a lawyer.

Do you have a pen? Write this down.

- Are you ready? - Okay. Okay. Okay.

It's like I told Mimi, carbs are the enemy.

Oh, wait, sorry. Can you give me a second?

Thank God, I've been trying you… Just one second.

Oh, sorry, I'm dealing with this crazy Paulena shit.

- Because Tallulah… - No, no, no, no, no,

we're not talking about that right now.

- I need emergency gossip. - Okay.

Do you have anything new on Zendaya?

Anything at all? She's a nightmare to work with,

horrible, like, secretly fat?

Okay, wait. Why does this matter?

Hey, can I actually get the massage gun? I feel a cramp coming on.

Okay, so basically, Mimi is, like, spiraling

that Zendaya won't do her new music video.

It's like, I don't know, maybe she doesn't wanna do

a music video where she plays a 50-year-old

and has to be in a flapper dress on a horse.

Who even does music videos anymore? It's like, film a TikTok and move on.

No, I just… I need to get her good gossip or she's gonna fucking get a new stylist.

- Like, she's really lost the plot. - Ugh.

You guys talking Zendaya? She seems nice.

Well, she's actually not. She's a monster. This is a private conversation.

Well, thank you, I guess. I mean, obviously,

you didn't help the situation at all,

but you did make me realize

I'm gonna have to completely make something up.

So, for that, I thank you.

- Love you. - Goodbye.

Give it to me hardcore.

Oh! Baby, have you seen Tallulah?

I need to talk to her.

I have actually, yeah. She's in the bathroom.

- Okay. - I think she's probably cooling down

after the insanely long episode of phone sex she just had

- in our bedroom. - Are you serious?

Mm-hmm, I'm dead serious. And the guy's name is Ludwig,

and he lives in Malmo with his wife,

and he has to cum three times before it's final.

These are all things that I know now.

Come in.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

- Tallulah. - This razor sucks.

Okay, well, I'm so excited. I'll see you soon. Bye.

Oh, my God, Maia, I'm so happy you're here.

I had such a hard day.

Okay, dude, you cannot text me that there's a warrant,

- and then not reply. - I'm sorry. I was really busy.

Yeah, masturbating in our bedroom. That's supposed to be a nighttime thing.

- Sorry, well… - Tallulah!

Did Paulena call the police or not? I need to know about this shit.

No, she didn't because…

- Oh, my God. - Oh. Sorry.

'Cause I called her and I apologized.

- Thank God. - So now, she's just gonna come over

- for dinner tonight. - Wait, here?

Yeah, I just had to tell her that I was addicted to ketamine

when I was in New York, which is hilarious.

- Tallulah. - So, you just have to, like,

pretend like I'm sober.

What? Dylan likes to cook, right?

Mwah.

Ooh, okay!

I have to get drunk before she gets here.

I don't know why I told her I'm sober.

Yeah, I don't know why you told her that, either.

- Well… - Dylan, is there anything

- we can help you with? - No, not really.

It's not gonna be my best work, I usually have more time

to prep, you know, before I'm making dinner for four, but…

Thank you so much for cooking. It's really, really generous.

Yes, thank you for cooking.

What's tonight?

- Like, long night, short night? - No. Short night.

We just make her think we're all friends,

- and she won't call the cops, right? - Yeah.

- Great. - Mm-hmm, great.

Also, we're gonna get really amazing stories, too.

She's so funny, but like, not even on purpose.

- Great. - One time…

this guy cheated on her.

And she called CPS

and got his kids taken away. Both of them.

Wait, Tallulah.

- No, not in a bad way. - In a what way?

Okay, well, when she said it, it sounded funnier.

Now, I feel bad for the guy.

- Yeah, and his kids. - How old were they?

Four and six.

- Oh, fuck. - It's gonna be… Shh, it's gonna be fine.

- Okay. - Just agree with everything she says.

- Okay. - She's super sensitive.

And we love the necklaces,

- they're gorgeous. - Cool.

- I've been sober for six weeks. - Six weeks.

- Six weeks, okay. - Okay, six weeks.

- Hi! - Hi! Oh!

Look at us. We're back.

Oh, my God, I love your necklace.

Is that a little croissant?

- Thank you. - Whoa!

It's from my breakfast collection.

So cute!

I'm gonna cum. I'm gonna cum.

- Cum in me. - Cum for me.

- Cum in me. - Cum with me.

Okay.

Wait.

- That part. - That part.

Stupid.

I need to look at my phone.

Fuck you.

Very good job.

Do you wanna see the guy I'm going out with tonight?

Yeah, more than anything.

- Interesting. - Is it the sideburns?

- It's the sideburns? - The sideburns are definitely

creating a vibe.

Unlike you, he wants to take me to dinner.

- Does he? - Yeah.

- Good. - Uh-huh.

Where?

Din Tai Fung.

- Girl. - Shut the fuck up.

Girl!

- Okay, I'm going. Are you free Saturday? - Maybe.

Oh, my God, this is so special,

- you and your friends did this for me. - Mm-hmm.

I hate when I have to feel mad at someone.

- The worst. - No, I know, and I just feel

so bad that I hurt you when I was an addict.

So, crazy timing you called when you did,

'cause I was just about to send in the police report.

No, I know.

You sent me a picture of it.

Learning about your addiction actually explains so much.

- Mm. - Now, I'm like, of course.

That's why you were struggling with your weight in New York.

It was going up, down, up, and then it, like, stayed up.

But duh!

- It was the ketamine. - Right.

Oh, no!

I brought all this coke.

And I do fly out tomorrow,

so it looks like we'll have to finish it all tonight!

None for you, Miss Rock Bottom.

I'll watch you guys do it.

That's a lot of drugs for a Tuesday.

It's actually more dangerous to only party on the weekends.

We're so boring.

- You should go out. - Yeah, I mean, I've got…

I have class mañana as well, so I can't.

- He's a Spanish teacher. - Say something in Spanish.

Eres una persona muy peligrosa.

- You're beautiful and smart. - So beautiful.

And very empathetic.

Incredible.

Thanks, you guys, it's just…

I feel like it's been really lonely in LA.

- Yeah. - Like, I'm still remodeling

- my apartment in New York. - Shit.

And right now, you three are like my family.

And earlier today, I almost got one of my family members arrested.

- I know. - And I still so easily could.

And that's, like, super tough on me.

Just one itsy-bitsy line,

and I'll go.

Yeah!

That's a big one.

Ah! Yum!

Wow.

Just do it, baby. Baby, just…

Yeah, okay, I'll just do a tiny little bit, just to…

- Yeah, perfect. - …be communal and…

So nice of you.

- Ah! My turn! - Alright. Yes.

- Oh, God, I've needed this. - Mm.

Cool if I smoke?

Oh, we…

Always when we smoke things, we smoke them outside.

We have a really cute patio.

It's supposed to rain. What are you, high?

Oh, my God, look at you. You are high.

Do your students know you like to party?

I'm sorry, what?

'Cause I'd be happy to email the school while I'm outside in the rain, smoking.

This is not… I…

You know what? Go ahead and smoke.

- I was just kidding! - Oh, okay.

Cocoa puff!

Fun! Smoking coke!

Oh.

Coke shits. One sec.

Oh, my God. A-team, A-team!

How we doing? Oh, my God, bitch.

You're literally glowing. What the fuck?

Oh! Okay! Okay, champagne!

What are we celebrating?

Zendaya has agreed to do my music video.

She's agreed to play my mother.

What? Mimi! What the fuck?

That's fucking amazing. Are you kidding me?

It's the greatest day of my life, I think.

Aw. So sweet.

Mm, but it's also the worst.

Oh. No.

It is a celebration.

Hell yeah, it is.

And…

and a funeral.

I'm so sorry, it…

Do you mind if I if I ask who passed…

- who passed on? - My stylist.

It turns out, he's a leaky fucking sieve.

And he went all around town talking shit about my best friend.

Best… Victoria?

Zendaya is my best friend.

Corbin told me all about your little FaceTime.

Yeah, I was just trying to get info on how she was crazy,

- 'cause you told me… - Charlie, you're fired.

- It's Peaches. - Cool.

- Iconic. - Oh! Charlie. Charlie.

- Yeah, Mimi? - Charlie, love.

Is that my Acne jacket?

Looks like it.

- It does, doesn't it? - Yeah.

Yeah. It is.

- You can have that. - Thank you.

Which you so graciously gifted me this morning.

But you can just take that.

- Thanks. - Night-night.

Oh, Charlie! Before you go,

I think those are my trousers, too, aren't they?

Really? Okay.

Fab. Faboosh. I think this shirt's yours, too, right?

Alright.

Just one more thing before I go.

You remember the CFDAs when Margiela

didn't wanna dress you 'cause the dress didn't really look that good on you?

And I called Dilara, who also wasn't a big fan.

But she did me a solid, 'cause she likes me.

You were boho. I made you cunt.

I made you cunt.

Fuck.

What? Never seen a naked gay guy in Eagle Rock before? Grow up!

Dylan, what's going on? What is going on?

I actually don't know if she's okay. I don't know what she's doing.

Oh, my God. You guys, it's 11 p.m.

I should have been asleep for, like, three hours by now.

- Same. Same. - And Paulena is smoking coke.

That makes it crack. She's smoking crack.

Those distinctions are pretty much just fabricated.

'Cause they're essentially the same thing.

- Just one is associated with poverty. - Keep your voice down!

Sorry, I'm high and I just… I know things.

This is really bad.

- When is she gonna leave? - I don't know.

Her whole thing is that she stays until the sunrise

and she breaks every mirror in the house.

She calls it bad luck patrol.

Why the fuck did you invite her over?

Because you told me that managers

take care of everything. You said that, Maia.

Yeah, I meant little things, like fucking TSA PreCheck!

- Okay, keep your voice down! - Oh, my God!

Okay. Okay.

- Okay, wait, Tallulah. - What?

Do you remember the thing with the subway creep?

The subway?

- Oh, my God. - Yes.

Oh, my God. Out-crazy the crazy.

- Out-crazy the crazy. - You're a fucking genius.

You're a genius.

- Roger. Roger. - Munchy. Munchy.

- Roger. - Munchy, Munchy!

- Roger. - Hey, hey!

- What the fuck's going on, please? - Munchy!

Okay, Dylan, I am so sorry for what I'm about to do…

Dylan! Do you want another line?

Or do I have to call the principal?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I need a few minutes to let this one just…

Dylan?

Are you fucking serious right now?

- About what? - I'm standing here.

I just saw you do it again.

You're staring at her fucking tits.

Yikes.

- Yeah. - What? No.

- I am so sorry. - Oh!

You are gorgeous, and it's not your fault

that this creep can't keep his big dumb dick

- in his ugly fucking pants! - Oh, my…

Maia, you bought me these pants, and they're, like, normal jeans.

Maia, come on, just calm down, alright?

Tonight is not one of the nights for your jealous freak-outs, okay?

- Oh, my God, don't even start, Tallulah. - So, just calm down.

- No, Tallulah. Sorry. - Calm down.

I know that you walked in on her masturbating,

- and you loved it. - Oh, my God.

- I did not love it. - Yeah. He did, he loved it.

I was disturbed. I just walked into my bedroom

and then I just saw her there, and I closed my eyes immediately,

- and I didn't see anything. - You did not!

- You did not close your eyes. - Oh, really? Is that why

you won't stop making nasty fucking meat sauce?

Huh? So you can stand in the kitchen,

think about her masturbating, and jerk off about it?

Jesus Christ!

Holy shit, is this normal?

Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey, Maia, Maia, when I jerk off, I literally think about you, okay?

And then, when I do watch porn, I look for girls that look like you.

Come on.

You watch porn?

Things are getting bad again!

Dylan, show me your texts.

Show me your texts, or I'm gonna fucking kill myself.

Sure, Maia. Like, my passcode's

- literally your birthday. - Give me your phone.

- Yeah, of course. It's not… - I need it.

Maia! Maia!

Just when I think my life is getting back on track,

here she goes off the fucking deep end again.

- I can't go back to that. - Hey.

Should I kill myself on Instagram Live or TikTok Live?

- Neither of them. This is insane. - You have to pick.

- You have to pick. - Come on, Maia, this is crazy.

Which one will have more people watching?

- Why are you doing this? - Oh, my God.

- I'm gonna do it. - I'm gonna lose Maia

- and I'm gonna lose you. - Me?

Yeah, because she's gonna kill herself on the drugs that you brought.

- Like, hello? You're gonna go to jail. - No.

You are gonna go to jail and I'm gonna lose everyone.

- Mm-mm. Mm! - I'm gonna have no one.

- Nuh-uh. - Wait, where are you going?

What the fuck is that?

- What the fuck is a cortado? - Where are you going?

No, don't take that. You can leave that there.

- What are you doing? - I can't have milk!

You should know that.

If you actually cared about me, you know I can't have milk.

- Are you s… - Hey, I love you.

- This was so much fun. - No, no, no, don't go.

- I will always be here for you. - …and you fuck Tallulah?

No, you don't have to go. No, don't go! No, don't go! Paulena!

- …coming twice! - Keep going! Go!

I hate your dick!

- It is broken and small. - Tiny.

- And tiny. - And it's tiny.

And you need to take pills to make it work.

You guys are fucking insane.

Yes-uh!

- Munchy, Munchy! - Yes!

- Roger, Roger! - Munchy, Munchy!

- Roger, Roger! - Oh!

- Oh! Oh! Whoa! - Munchy, Munchy!

- Oh! Oh! - Tallulah. Tallulah.

I'm gonna kill myself.

- Oh, my God! - I'm gonna kill myself!

Roger!

One minute, sir.

I'm about to make a poor addict's dreams come true.

I mean, I'm shaking still,

you know, like… Like, baby, it was so real.

You know what? It's 'cause I did theater in high school.

- Wow. - Yeah.

My high school was different, though. Like, the cool kids did theater.

- You should do acting a little bit. - You know what?

I think that I might be Munchy, you know?

Roger, Roger, Munchy, like…

He thinks he's Munchy.

- Sorry. Sorry. - Sorry!

- I'm Munchy. - Munch… She's Munchy.

- Tallulah. - I don't get it at all,

I'm just gonna clean.

- He's not even a Jarvis. - A Jarvis!

- It's okay, we'll find a name for you. - Alright.

It was crazy.

I'm happy that it happened, though.

Are you guys not happy that it happened?

Because literally, we never have to see her ever again.

And her ugly fucking necklaces.

- Her necklaces! - I can't believe

we pulled that off and she believed it.

But we had to get her the fuck out of there.

Oh, God!

- You're free. - It was so bad.

- You're free. - Free!

Go!

Hi, my loves.

So I literally hate making a video like this,

because you guys know I pride myself, right?

On being a girl's girl.

But I don't wanna name names,

and I don't want you guys guessing the wrong person,

so I'm just gonna share that it's Tallulah Stiel.

You guys better strap in,

because I have a lot to say about this bitch.