Original subtitles

TRAFFIC CONTROL: 41 Heavy,

this is LAX tower.

Do you read me?

This is 41 Heavy,

go ahead LAX tower.

41 Heavy, commence descent

and await further

landing instructions.

Roger, traffic control.

Philo,

I'm having a party tonight.

You have a party

every night, George.

Yeah, but this is different.

Tonight, some people

are actually gonna show up.

Really? Why is that?

Why is that?

Well, I'll tell you why.

I... I sort of promised

everyone that you'd be there.

George!

TRAFFIC CONTROL: 41 Heavy,

this is LAX tower.

Later.

41 Heavy,

you're cleared for landing

on runway Aplha-Zulu-one

at zero-niner-four.

Roger, traffic control.

Aplha-Zulu-one

at zero-niner-four.

(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

Ladies and gentlemen,

I hope you had a pleasant

flight on Blue Sky Airlines

and enjoy your stay

in Los Angeles.

What a beautiful sight.

It sure is.

Are you out of your mind?

Sit down, George!

Well, you don't understand.

You have to come to this party.

I don't think you're

fully aware of the

gravity of the situation.

All right, I'll go.

Just sit down!

Or I'll lie down.

You want me to go lie down?

George!

Sorry.

But you will come?

Yes!

(CHUCKLING) All right!

(GRUNTS) My contacts!

TRAFFIC CONTROL: 41 Heavy,

pull up. I repeat pull up.

(GROANS)

Hard left! Hard left!

Pull up! Pull up!

(SCREAMING) Oh, shit!

FEMALE VOICE: Time of impact,

11:41 PM.

Population,

classification code: 4.

Maximum density.

Congratulations.

You assholes just wiped out

half of Los Angeles.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, come on in.

We're rolling out.

George! George Bunkle.

Where's Philo?

I'm going down

to get him right now.

If you're not back in

five minutes with Philo,

we're leaving.

What? Girls, I'm hurt.

I'm genuinely hurt.

Has George Bunkle

ever lied to you?

BOTH: What about

the Michael Jackson party?

Hey, he was very insulted

that you didn't believe

it was him that night.

BOTH: Five minutes, Bunkle.

Talk about

your boring parties.

What else would you expect

from anyone who lives

in this building?

(FARTING LOUDLY)

(ALL COUGHING)

(COUGHING)

Man, I gotta lay off

that pork fried rice.

(GROANING)

Philo.

Philo?

Yo, Philo.

Hello?

Philo?

Philo?

Where the hell are you?

(GASPS)

What are you trying to do,

put me in an early grave?

I'm okay.

(GROWLING)

You idiot!

You've ruined my whole life!

(STRAINING) It's not my fault

you wear glasses.

(PANTS) No.

It's my fault.

(BONES CRACKING)

Come on, Philo,

get a grip on yourself.

Everybody has

their limitations.

Shit, even me.

Let's just calmly

examine the situation.

Now, what have we got?

We got two bright, enterprising

young men like ourselves?

You kidding?

There's a million

things we can do.

Give me a break, George.

It's all over for me.

All right, all right.

I'll admit things may look

a trifle dark right now.

But, so what?

Besides, you know me.

Don't I always

come up with something?

All my life

all I ever wanted

to do was fly.

(SCREAMING)

(PHILO CRASHING)

Philo?

Oh, there you are.

Philo! I've got it.

Wait till you hear this idea.

This is it.

What happened here?

If I ever see you again,

George, it's gonna be too soon.

No, no, no,

you're gonna love this.

You ready?

Stewardess school.

You're totally

certifiable, George,

and I'm gonna

sign the papers!

What a great idea.

Think of it, Philo.

(EXCLAIMS)

Breakfast in Paris.

Dinner in Rome.

Not to mention

all the incredible women

we're gonna meet.

(LOUD CHEWING)

Mr. Pellino.

Call me Snake.

Mr. Snake.

You seem to have

some influence

over our daughter.

Beer!

I wonder if I could

interest you in

a little proposition.

(BLOWING NOSE LOUDLY)

SNAKE: Big chunks.

Walter.

Jeeves?

Sir.

Holy shit!

What a bike!

Thank you, sir.

Wow.

What gives?

If you'll excuse us

for a minute, dear?

Why?

Beat it!

So, what's the deal?

Well, I was just wondering

if you might be...

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Then I kicked him

right in the face!

What gives?

Oh, Mr. Snake and I decided

it would be in

your best interests

if you went back to school.

You're a pisser, Dad.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Shit.

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

(GASPS) Whoa!

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

Ow.

(BELL DINGING)

Now, remember,

if I catch either

one of youse two

biting or scratching,

I'm gonna toss youse out.

How would you like me to

pull your little wee wee off?

Wait for the bell.

You're dead meat.

MAN: You're a scumbag,

go die!

Get away, wimp!

All right, you,

I want your name!

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

I'll get you, asshole.

Where is he?

He's kind of puny.

Maybe he couldn't

push the turnstile.

Oh, there he is.

I think he's gonna pop

the big question tonight.

Wanda. Wanda!

When are you gonna learn?

Men don't marry

women wrestlers.

Cuddles is different.

You'll see.

Cuddles.

Cuddles?

(GUFFAWING)

(BELL DINGS)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(YELLS)

(ALL CHEERING)

MAN: Get her, Wanda!

Kill! Snap her neck, Wanda!

(SCREAMING)

(YELLING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(CACKLING HYSTERICALLY)

CROWD: Wanda!

Wanda! Wanda! Wanda!

Wanda! Wanda! Wanda! Wanda!

I wonder if they

have communal showers.

I don't know

about this, George.

Philo, I don't believe you.

Since we got thrown

out of flight school

you've flown back and forth

to San Diego 22 times.

So?

You don't know

anybody in San Diego.

I can't help it.

I think better

when I'm flying.

Right.

GEORGE: So we go

to stew school.

We graduat

Then you can flyh

yo little heart out.

Maybe you'll get this obse.

I suppose

you'reight, George.

You know, for a while there

I thought that you

just wanted to go

to stew school just so

you could meet women.

Please, give me some credit.

There's a little more to life

than women.

Very little.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

There it is.

That's the Philo

I know and love.

You idiot!

So, what's the verdict?

Why don't you

go park this boat

and I'll get us

a room with a view.

Now you're talking, dude.

All right.

I'm not a jinx,

I'm not a jinx,

I'm not a jinx.

Yeah, and I'm not in this

for my health, lady.

That's $14.75

with the toll.

Keep the change.

Oh, thanks, sport.

I'll get your luggage.

What was that?

I gotta switch

to unleaded.

You were supposed to

get out the other side.

Well, you should have

posted a sign.

It was on the door!

(SCOFFS)

Hi. Can I help you there?

Why, don't you think

I can do it myself?

Hey, no problem.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

I'm sorry.

(GROANS IN DISCOMFORT)

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)

Good morning.

Morning.

I certainly am glad

your father's not alive

to see what you've

turned his school into.

What I have turned

the old codger's school into

is a profitable institution.

Oh, yes,

by lowering the standards

so that anybody could get in.

All right, sugar.

Here we are.

Jesus, Harry,

stewardess school?

Is that the best

you could do for me?

Hey, sugar,

I'm your probation officer,

not employment agent.

Listen, sugar, this is a real

opportunity for you to change

your whole life around.

Yeah, yeah, sure, Harry.

I'm agog with anticipation.

(SIGHS) So how long

am I in for anyway?

You are enrolled

for four weeks.

Then you can get a job

on an airline.

Gee.

I've never done it

on an airplane before.

Now, look, I'm warning you,

if they catch you

turning one more trick,

they gonna put

your behind away

for a long, long time.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, so long, Harry.

Don't take any wooden pickles.

(CHUCKLING)

Hi. Am I the only boy?

Let's see.

(CHECK IN LADY SCREAMING)

Cindy Adams.

Room 12, second floor.

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

I'm gonna miss you.

(BURPS LOUDLY)

(SCREAMING)

Hi, I'm Pimmie Polk.

Hi. Jolean Winters.

And this is my mother,

and my grandmother.

Hello!

Hello!

Hello. It's nice to meet you.

This is a big day

for the Polk family.

Oh, really?

Three generations of stews.

(LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY)

No kidding.

¶ We'll wine you

We'll dine you

¶ We'll fly you to the skies ¶

(GIGGLES)

Well, good afternoon.

My name is Ms. Grummet,

and I will be supervising

all of your activities

while you are here with us.

I expect strict

compliance with the rules.

But before I get into

those rules and lists,

I would like to

take this opportunity

to introduce our chancellor,

Mr. Weidermeyer.

He will giving a brief,

ten minute welcoming address.

Mr. Weidermeyer?

(APPLAUSE)

Good afternoon.

You certainly are

a fine looking group.

Welcome to

the Weidermeyer Academy.

This academy was sired by...

Founded by my father

in 1949

and we have a long

and impressive

list of graduates.

As you can see from

the people seated behind me,

we offer the finest

in flight instruction training.

And you can be assured...

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

We will never

nipple and dime...

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Nickle and dime you

on your education.

Your instructors

are firm but fair.

If you get a little

behind in your work,

they won't be hard on you.

(WEIDERMEYER CLEARS THROAT)

(SPEAKS GIBBERISH)

Well, I guess that's about it

from old Roger Weidermeyer.

So, once again,

welcome.

Ms. Grummet.

(APPLAUSE)

I'll just stand here

till you're finished.

That's disgusting.

Now, if you'll all

pay attention to

the following rules,

I'm sure we'll all

get along just fine.

Mmm. Just like Mom never made.

$3.50.

That's very reasonable

considering your

gourmet selection.

Thank you.

Roommate, shall we?

Yes.

Whoa. Hi.

Oh!

Oh, God.

Ow!

Oh, God.

Please. Please sit.

Are you sure?

I live for danger.

Okay.

Uh, Kelly Johnson,

resident klutz.

Philo Henderson,

unfulfilled dreamer.

Ugh.

So, what was

the final headcount?

Forty six.

Excellent.

That makes nine more

students than last time.

Yes, and I can tell you

just which nine they are.

Relax, Ms. Grummet.

You will be able

to start weeding them

out soon enough.

(CHUCKLES)

(ALARM RINGING)

Oh!

George!

George, wake up!

There's a fire.

George!

(SNORING)

Philo, you gotta do something

about that alarm clock.

Get up, George.

There's a fire.

What?

Fire!

Fire! Fire!

(ALARM RINGING LOUDLY)

(GIRLS CLAMORING)

(ALARM STOPS)

Good morning,

my little chickens.

Welcome to stewardess school.

Now, to begin with,

I would like to make

one thing perfectly clear.

To be a stewardess

means to be on call

24 hours a day.

That means you must be

in top physical condition

at all times,

and bright and alert.

Because if you miss

one call to duty,

you will be...

Dismissed!

Now, grab your sweats

and report to the compound

in five minutes.

Five minutes!

Let's move it,

move it, move it!

Move it, Bunkle.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

All right. We'll start

this morning and every morning

with a little five mile

up Fort Valley Hill.

Dubois, Winters report

to the doctor's office

for physical.

The rest of you move out.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Good luck, chubby.

Thanks.

Move it, move it, move it!

(CLEARS THROAT) Hi.

We're here for our physicals.

Names?

Sugar Dubois

and Jolean Winters.

Have a seat.

I'm on a diet,

I've lost eight pounds.

I'm sure the doctor will

take that into consideration.

I think you look terrific.

You do?

Yeah, sure.

(PHONE BUZZES)

Who am I kidding?

He's gonna flunk me.

You mean if you don't

pass this physical they

could kick you out of here?

That's right.

I'll be history.

Yeah. You can

go in now, Ms. Dubois.

Good luck.

Thanks.

With you in a moment.

Do you want me

to take my clothes off?

Well, I don't think that

would be a bad idea.

Gosh, hope you don't

have cold hands.

Come on, let's move it,

move it, move it!

Only two more miles

to the top!

That is not a pleasant woman.

(DOOR OPENS)

You can go in now, Winters.

Doctor?

(MUMBLES) Sit.

(SIGHS)

(EXHALES)

(PUMPING SOUND)

Holy shit!

Doctor Mackie?

What aut me?

Yo

My physical?

You passed!

I passed?

Go.

I passed!

Bitch.

Those are, uh,

really thick glasses.

On a clear day

I can see Moscow.

Oh, God,

it must be tough to get

around without these things.

Well, I've developed

an acute sense of touch.

(KNOCKING)

Philo! Wait.

(ALL YELLING)

It's okay, it's okay.

He's totally blind

without his glasses.

It's Kelly.

Hi.

Hi, come on.

Right this way.

Here you go.

You okay?

Great. Thanks.

(GASPS)

(SCATTING)

Communal showers.

That's amazing.

How would I know that?

Hey, girls,

what's shaking?

(ALL SCREAMING)

What?

What?

What?

(EXCLAIMS)

And stay out!

To fly,

to soar with the eagles.

To pilot

this magnificent machine

high above the earth.

To be

in total control

of the lives and destinies

of hundreds of people.

God forgive me,

I do love it so.

Now, where was I?

ALL: To fly,

to soar with the eagles.

To fly...

Whoever wants pizza

comes to Larry's room.

Want some?

No thanks, I'm on a diet.

I just came to sniff.

Oh, George can always

tell a good wine by the

twist of a cap, I swear to God.

Pepperoni.

Okay. Okay, everybody,

a toast.

To a bright new future

in the airline industry!

What's the matter?

Everybody's future doesn't

look as bright as yours.

You're not a klutz.

Yeah, and you're slim

and attractive.

And you always seem

to know what to do.

You actually seem

to like this bullshit.

I know you all think

that I'm pretty and pert,

and kind of terrific.

But you know,

sometimes when people

are getting to know me,

for some strange reason

they wanna choke me.

(GIGGLING)

Come on, it's not

as bad as all that.

It's always darkest

before the dawn.

When the going gets tough

the tough get going.

Yeah, when in doubt

whip it out.

PHILO: George.

Figure of speech.

(SNORTING)

Now, behind this curtain

we have assembled a group

of professional passengers.

That is passengers

who will test your skill

at dealing with

common but difficult

situations.

Oh, yes, uh,

I will be observing

and grading your

conduct accordingly.

No, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

The whiskey goes

next to the vodka.

I am so nervous.

I just know

I'm gonna screw up.

Hey, relax.

After all,

what are they gonna do,

bite us?

Hot towel, madam?

(GROWLING)

Now, Poofy, don't you

be a naughty girl.

I'm sorry, madam,

but you'll have to put

your Poofy in the box.

Aw.

Perhaps you'd do it for me.

(SNARLING)

What are you, high, lady?

Please?

(BARKING)

Perhaps later,

after she's had her nap.

Pillow, Poofy?

(SNARLING)

Maybe not. Later.

(BARKING)

And what can I get

our little man for dessert?

A hot fudge sundae.

Ooh. That sounds delish.

Would you like

whipped cream on top?

Yup.

And sprinkles?

Yup.

And a cherry on top?

Yup.

And how would you

like your nuts crushed?

How would you like

your tits shot off?

Uh... (EXCLAIMS)

Something to drink?

I know you.

You're Bubba Brock,

fullback for the Broncos.

I got cut.

Oh, I'm sorry. Injury?

No. Bad attitude, ass breath.

Excuse me, young man.

I need your help.

Yes, madam.

My seatbelt is stuck.

Oh.

Oh, yes, I think

I see the problem.

If you'd care to

stand up a minute.

I didn't pay

to stand in the aisle.

I paid to sit down.

Okay.

(GROANS)

Oh.

Oh, Miss.

Yes, sir?

I'd like a scotch

and water, please.

I have to begin in

the rear of the aircraft

but I'll be right back

to serve your drink.

(GASPS)

I think I got it.

(GASPS)

Excuse me, sir.

The captain does have

the no smoking light on.

Well, I'll just run back

and turn that little light off.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the captain has informed me

that we're ready to land.

Please put your trays up,

and your seats in

the upright position.

Thank you.

And I hope you've

all been well serviced.

Hey, you!

Tray up, seat back,

and loose that cigarette.

Yes, ma'am.

Miss...

Polanski.

Polanski, yes.

Hi. I think your delivery

needs a little work.

Try not to be so firm.

With the passengers,

not so direct.

Not so firm

and not so direct.

Right.

Yoo-hoo.

Wake up, wake up.

(GASPS)

(GROANING)

Much better.

(ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)

George.

What?

Do me a favor.

Sleep on

the fire escape tonight.

It's the old

multiple cologne trick.

Keeps 'em off their guard.

He's kinda cute.

I think he's gonna

ask me out.

Hi.

You wanna play

hide the salami?

Gross.

I guess a blow job's

out of the question.

WANDA: What do we do now?

I know.

How about a game of trivia?

I hate trivia.

Get out of here. Me, too.

What's the problem?

Well, there's a party

we all wanna go to

but we've got

no way to get there.

How bad do you wanna go?

On a scale of one to ten?

Pretty bad.

(SCREAMING)

Yahoo!

(ALL WHOOPING)

Oh, look who's here.

Yes, yes. Kent Arnold.

I'd like you to meet

my fiance, Alison Hanover.

The Hanovers of Greenwich.

How do you do?

South Port.

Top draw, DF.

Much. (CHUCKLES)

(MOTORCYCLES REVVING)

What in blazes

is going on here?

Kent, check that, will you?

Pimmie?

Kent.

Let me introduce everybody.

This is Jolean,

Wanda, Cindy,

and these are our

chaperones for the evening.

Snake, Scuzzball,

River Rat, and Bones.

Pimmie, I'm sorry,

but they can't come in.

Cindy?

Cindy Adams?

Hello, Kent.

Breath mint?

Quaalude.

You got a Twisted Sister?

No, but my cousin

Lonaur is a little strange.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

All right!

Kent, what is the meaning

of that neanderthal invasion?

It's Cindy Adams.

Her father is chairman of

the board of the stock exchange.

Mmm.

Excuse me, muffin,

I'll be right back.

Miss Adams.

I'm Dudl Farnsworth.

Buzzff, needle dick.

Oh, muffin.

All right.

What is this shit?

Fruit punch.

Tastes like panther piss.

All right.

Everybody drink up.

I said drink party!

(ALL SCREAMING)

How did you find this place?

Oh, one of the local

kids told me about it.

It's spectacular.

Look.

It's been a long time

since I kissed a boy in

the front seat of a car.

It's been a long time

since I kissed a boy, period.

I think it's my sworn duty

to make up

for all those lost kisses.

Oh, Philo.

No, no, no, no.

The hook's in front.

(KELLY MOANING)

Oh, Philo.

Sorry about that.

It's hormonal.

I guess it's in my jeans.

I'll say it is.

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

Wanna dance, mama?

Fine. This ought

to be interesting.

Would anyone care

for a cheese snack?

You're real good, baby.

I know.

Oh, that's some set

of muffins, eh, Snake?

(GROWLING)

Beer!

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUFFLED GROANING)

What?

Uh, nothing.

Now tomorrow,

we'll be dealing with

volume two in my trilogy,

101 More Ways to Make

Your Passengers Feel

Really, Really Safe.

After all, don't you feel

better when you feel safe?

I know I do.

(CHUCKLES)

Class!

This morning I'm going

to give you a little lesson

on how to deal

with terrorists.

Of course,

one of the main weapons

in dealing with these

swarthy types

is surprise!

(SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

I took a course.

What you're about

to go through

is a simulated ditch drill.

You will be given

exactly three minutes

to get the passengers

off the plane,

down the chute

and into the life raft

to safety.

Wake up, Harpo.

Time is of the essence here.

If you don't have those

people off this plane

in exactly three minutes,

well, you've all

flunked the exercise.

PIMMIE: Ladies and gentlemen,

please prepare to exit

the rear of the plane

as quickly as possible.

Our flight attendants

will assist you

in any way you need.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Just move to the back of

the plane quietly. Thank you.

Keep it going.

Come on.

(WHOOPING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Bye.

Please, we'll have to

exit immediately.

This is an emergency.

Darling, we did not pay

for first class tickets

to slide down

a moldy chute into a raft.

I can't go

without my rubber ducky.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Follow me!

Row! Row!

I love this.

Lot of good stuff.

Row!

(PASSENGERS LAUGHING)

Ninety seconds left.

But, they won't budge.

You're not going to make it.

What's the problem?

Beat me, whip me,

make me write bad checks,

but please join us

for a glass of bubbly.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Go on,

I'll take care of this.

Okay,

I'm gonna check the galley,

I'll be right behind you.

Check.

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(ALL CHEERING)

PHILO: We did it!

(ALL CHEERING)

Wait a minute.

Where's Jolean?

ALL: Jolean?

Geronimo!

This is a very healthy

kill list, even for you.

Well, if there's nothing else

I'd like to get on with it.

(PHONE BUZZING)

Yes.

SECRETARY: Sir.

Mr. Stromboli would like

to know if you'd be

much longer.

He has a plane to catch.

Ask Mr. Stromboli

to come in, please.

Roger, how are you?

Last time I saw you

why, you were this high.

I've grown.

Won't you sit down?

Thank you very much.

Well, what can I do for you?

The thing is that now

I have this government

inspection coming around

and if I don't get

high grades in all areas

of passenger service

they're gonna pull the rug

from under me, Roger.

I'll be out of business.

Do I take it that

you would like me

to provide you

with a top flight crew

from our graduating class?

Exactly, Roger. Yes!

If I can pass the inspection,

then I can add another flight

at the end of the year,

and this way I can

give the competition

a run for their money.

Shall we say

500 bucks a head?

500? That's blackmail!

It was nice

seeing you again, Carl.

Now, if you'll excuse me

I'm really awfully busy.

Roger, I can give you 250.

That is all I have.

350, and not a penny less!

But, I'll throw in a pilot.

And so, it is with

great pleasure

that as of, um,

10:15 this morning,

you are all...

(PHONE BUZZING)

Grummet!

Yes. What?

That's ridiculous.

I strongly protest. No way.

Perhaps you'd like to

stop by my office

and discuss

an early retirement?

You wouldn't put

me on the beach,

would you?

Let me say once again

how very proud I am

of all of you.

This has been a record year

for student placements

in the airline industry.

If you will check

the announcement board

in the main hall later,

we will have posted

the names of

the various airlines

and of the students

they have invited

to come fly with them.

In conclusion,

I would just like to

leave you with one thought.

(MAN SNORING)

Remember,

when you go out there,

you are representing

the Weidermeyer Academy.

So whatever you do,

do it with dignity.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Thank you.

Here we go.

Breakfast in Paris.

Dinner in Rome.

Dinner in Rome.

All right, dude.

Here we go.

TWA.

Pan-Am.

Stromboli Airlines?

(CHUCKLING)

Well...

(GROANS)

Mmm.

Well, you get

what you paid for.

Hey, come on.

I mean, it's not as bad

as it all seems.

Yeah, Philo's right.

Grummet made us all feel

like we were no good.

Well, she's wrong!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah, but none of you

were terminally clumsy.

I am.

(WHISPERING) She's under.

That's amazing.

Could you make her

bark like a seal while

I pretend to give her a fish?

George.

What?

Kelly Johnson.

Yes.

You are the most

graceful person on earth.

I am?

Yes.

Of course I am.

You have the skill

of a ballerina,

the hands of a surgeon,

the dexterity of

a Japanese sushi chef.

Now, when I snap my fingers

you will wake up

feeling like the great

new person you are.

This place looks a lot

like the Bates Motel.

Welcome. Welcome.

I am Carl Stromboli,

I own the place.

The driver will take care

of your luggage, so please

do follow me. Thank you.

So nice to see you.

Very happy to see you.

Sorry about

the lights being off,

but I have to cut down

on expenses anywhere I can

to keep the airline going.

This way, please.

Oh, wow.

CARL: After you.

Oh, my, look at this.

Hey.

Don't stand on ceremonies,

sit down. Come on,

make yourself at home.

This is really nice.

Thank you,

but it's my wife Sarah.

She's the one with

the good taste in the family.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen,

please

I want you to say hello

to my dear wife Sarah.

ALL: Hi, Sarah.

Wow. Real food.

(CHUCKLES) First eat,

we'll get to know

each other later.

That's right.

Now, don't be shy.

Dig in, come on.

Come on, come on,

let's eat.

Oh, fuck it.

Corn. Corn. Thank you.

And some potatoes.

So you can see why

this next flight

is so important for me.

Every nickle I have

is tied up in this plane.

And every nickle

I don't have.

What am I worried?

I've got

the best crew around.

Really?

When can we meet them?

Huh?

George,

he's talking about us.

Well, one thing's

for sure Mr. Stromboli,

we'll make certain that

the FAA inspector is happy.

Yeah, that's good,

but you see,

we'll never know who it is.

We never do.

It could be anyone

on the plane.

It could be a man,

a woman.

Sometimes they even use

a professional passenger

from your school.

I'm not worried. You know why?

Because you are the ones

who graduated in

the first of the class.

And tomorrow's run

will be a snap for you.

ALL: Tomorrow?

Good morning,

ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to

Stromboli Airlines

Flight 106,

non stop to Atlanta.

We are now ready to board.

For those passengers

needing special assistance

you may now step forward

at this time, please.

Thank you.

Go to your right.

She'll help you.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

KELLY: Easy does it.

There you go.

Hi. Right this way.

This way, sir.

Let me help you. Ow!

Have a...

Have a good flight.

Hi.

Oh, oh, oh.

Allow me, sir.

Take your hands

off me, you fool!

(GROANING)

Pain. Major pain.

JOLEAN:

Passengers seated

in rows 17 to 26,

you may now board the plane.

George, what are you doing?

There's blind people

walking all over the plane.

Special observer

from the academy.

I know the way.

Terrific.

Friend of yours?

You married?

Oh, yeah. You?

No, no, no.

Captain Biff likes to

keep his runways clear.

Morning.

Morning.

Oh, morning.

Hi, doll.

Captain Biff?

You're our pilot?

That's right.

Are you impressed?

Here we go, George.

Close her up.

You got it.

Fasten your seatbelt.

What are you, blind?

What? Hmm?

Ladies and gentlemen,

please fasten your seatbelts

and put your chairs back

for take off.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is the captain speaking.

Atlanta Traffic Control

informs me we'll be

having some

adverse weather condition

en route, so,

we'll be flying

at 35, 000 feet today

to avoid most

of the turbulence.

Thank you.

You must be used to

flying through storms,

huh, Captain?

Storms?

This is just great.

What's Grummet doing on board?

I thought we were

through with her.

According to the manual,

she's allowed to come

on the first flight

as an observer,

and file a report with the FAA.

Terrific.

Whoa.

Shit.

Veal and water.

Veal and water.

Thank you.

Here you are, sir,

your veal and water.

Thank you very much.

Could I have some

peanut, too, please?

Yes.

Thank you very much.

May I put that

some place for you, sir?

Don't touch that!

It's a present

for my mother.

It's very fragile.

Oh, of course, sir.

I understand.

Ladies and gentlemen,

for the safety and convenience

of our unsighted passengers

we will ring

our cabin bell twice

when the seatbelt sign is on

and once when it is off.

Thank you.

Where's my drink?

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)

Coming right up, sir.

Well, be quick about it.

Yes, sir.

Whatever you say.

(YAWNS)

Oh, could I take that

for you, sir?

Thank you, yes.

Okay. And your glass?

There we are.

(SIGHS)

(RIPS TAPE)

(LIGHTNING CRASHING)

(WIND HOWLING)

Looks like we're in

for a pretty good storm.

Yeah, even at this altitude

we're gonna hit

a lot of turbulence.

(COUGHS)

Are you okay?

My contacts!

(LENS CRACKING)

(KNOCKING)

Let me help you.

(BEEPS)

(CLOCK TICKING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Sit right here.

You're no good to us

if you can't see.

(LIGHTNING CRASHES)

Are you all right?

(PANTING)

I feel strange.

Like this is all a dream.

You mean a nightmare.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

(GASPING)

What are you most afraid of?

Confinement.

Closed spaces.

It's awful tight in here.

Isn't it?

(LAUGHING)

(SCREAMS)

Something's wrong with him.

I need air!

I need air!

Sit down!

It's okay.

What is this guy's problem?

I don't know.

(SCREAMING)

The passengers are

getting really upset.

What are we gonna do?

We cannot spend the rest

of the flight like this.

(PASSENGER YELLS)

Trouble?

Eat it, prune face!

(SCREAMS)

(SHUSHING)

There's gotta be some way

to calm him down.

Step aside.

Oh, my God,

they're in your nose!

(GASPS)

(TICKING)

(GIGGLING)

(GASPS)

(PASSENGER GASPING)

(SHRIEKS)

(RELIEVED SIGH)

Okay. Okay. Okay.

(LIGHTNING CRASHES)

Blow job is two words.

Gee, uh,

I didn't think it'd be

this rough way up here.

Is that normal?

Don't know. This is

my first flight, Captain.

Oh, yeah, right.

(TERRORIST LAUGHING)

All right!

Turn around real slow!

Snappy coat...

Shut up!

Keep your hands

where I can see 'em.

(GROANING LOUDLY)

Oh, boy.

(GROANING)

All right, fish face!

Put it on automatic pilot!

Um, we can't do that

at this altitude.

We can't?

Oh, yes.

Yes, we can.

We can do anything.

Only please,

please don't shoot me.

Do it now!

Okay. Automatic. No hands.

Ah! I want you all to know

that I've got enough here

to hang you and put an

end to Stromboli Airlines.

I'm taking my report

to the captain right now.

Blow it out your ass!

(GASPS) I just think

I'll add that to my report.

(LIGHTNING CRASHES)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(TOILET FLUSHES)

(GRUMMET SCREAMING)

(ALL GROANING)

PHILO: Holy moly!

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

GRUMMET: Oh, my God!

Okay. Okay.

(SCREAMS)

(GASPS) No.

I didn't do anything.

I was good.

Is this gonna hurt?

It is, isn't it?

Is it?

(GAS HISSING)

(INCREASES PRESSURE)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

I hope you guys

like cherries on your sun...

(SCREAMING)

(BEEPING)

(WIND HOWLING)

(SCREAMS)

Here, sit down.

What the...

What happened here?

I smell ether.

She's breathing.

He's alive!

What's the switchboard

on the altimeter say?

It says "auto".

Good.

All right, let's get

these people outta here.

I did a quick head count,

and the guy in 30C is missing.

He must've jumped.

Who would jump out

of a plane at 40, 000 feet?

The guy in 30C.

All right.

I want you to start

searching the plane

quickly and quietly

without alarming

the passengers.

What are we looking for?

Unless I miss my guess,

a bomb.

That's amazing.

I knew you were

gonna say that.

George!

I'm gone.

What do you think?

Well, I think we'll be okay

for a while on autopilot.

Wait.

Where are we

supposed to look?

I don't know.

How about if we start

at the back of the plane

and work our way up?

Good idea.

Whoa!

(BOMB TICKING)

What the hell's

going on here?

Not now, Mr. Buttersworth.

I'll get to the bottom of this.

Who's there?

Are you the pilot?

Yeah.

Are you a passenger?

Yes!

And I demand to know

what's going on here!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Thanks.

MAN: What is that thing?

Portable microwave.

What did he say?

Doesn't anybody know

anything about bombs?

You got a bobby pin?

Yeah.

No!

Move over, Kojak.

Somebody quick,

get me some tools.

Everybody else

secure the passengers

and move forward.

Check.

Rule 47...

ALL: Keep smiling.

Holy shit!

I hope you're in a good mood.

(LIGHTNING CRASHING)

Apparently not.

(ALL CLAMORING)

(BOMB TICKING)

I'm a little slow.

George!

Sorry, I'm new to this.

(LIGHTNING CRASHING)

(GEORGE SHUSHING)

Now the problem is

if I cut the wrong wire,

this thing could

go off in our faces.

Philo!

Strap him in!

What the hell kind of

airline is this?

Okay.

(JULEAN WHIMPERING)

Here goes. I'll get it.

(JULEAN GRUNTING)

(SQUEALS) You did it!

(LAUGHS) It was nothing.

(BEEPS)

(FAST TICKING)

You didn't do it.

I think it's time

for plan B.

Plan B?

Run away!

Oh! Oh!

(SCREAMING)

Jolean! Are you all right?

It's raining out.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Oh, man,

I need a drink.

Can I get you something?

Forget it.

Captain,

pressure's back to normal.

Everyone's okay.

Now if I can only see

I can land this baby

on a dime!

Wait a minute.

He can't see either?

No!

I'm taking over!

(ALL SCREAMING)

No, Mr. Buttersworth!

Listen, I wore glasses.

You wanna try them?

No, I got this weird

astigmatism called

binocular vision.

Wait!

Hey, here. Try these.

No. No, they're no good.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute,

turn them around.

Here.

That's it! That's it,

strap it to my head!

We're going home!

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL WHOOPING)

Now it's all up to

the FAA inspector

who was on board.

Will the bailiff

please call the final witness?

They're ready for you.

Do you promise to tell

the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth?

I do.

Sir, would you please

share with us your impressions

of what happened

on Flight 106 to Atlanta?

Frankly, it was

the best flight I ever had.

Case dismissed.

(ALL CHEERING)

(GROANING)

It's amazing. I knew

he was gonna say that.

( STEW SCHOOL

BY KEITH LANDRY PLAYING)

¶ Well, I feel so good

¶ When my feet

Are off the ground

¶ And before I got to heaven

¶ I'm gonna fly

This world around

¶ I'm going to

Stew school, darling

¶ Gonna get myself together

While I'm, yeah

¶ Flying

(UPBEAT BLUES PLAYING)

¶ Well, I feel so good

When my feet are

Off the ground

¶ Before I get to heaven

Gonna fly this world around

¶ I'm going to stew school

Don't try and make me uptight

¶ I'm going to stew school

You know it's gonna

Be all right

¶ I'm going to stew school

Darling, gonna get myself

Together and fly

¶ Don't try to stop me

Don't try to stop me tonight

¶ Nothing can stop me

And I'd maybe

Pull up a fight

¶ I'm gonna carve me out

A brand new road

¶ I'm gonna loosen up

This heavy load

¶ I'm going to stew school!

No one can stop me now

¶ Stew school!

I'm gonna show you how

¶ Stew school!

I'm gonna make it all right

¶ Well, my tank was empty

Thought my soul was gonna die

¶ So I had to get back

Up and running

It was really fun

¶ I'm going to stew school

Don't try to stop me tonight

¶ I'm going to stew school

I know it's gonna be all right

¶ Well, I'm going

To stew school, darling

¶ Gonna get myself

Together and fly

¶ Don't try to stop me

Don't try to stop me tonight

¶ Nothing can stop me

And I'd maybe

Pull up a fight

¶ I'm gonna carve me out

A brand new road

¶ I'm gonna loosen up

This heavy load

¶ I'm going to stew school!

No one can stop me now

¶ Stew school!

I'm gonna show you how

¶ Stew school!

I'm gonna make it all right

¶ Stew school!

I'm gonna make it all right

¶ Stew school!

I'm gonna show you how

¶ Stew school!

I'm gonna

Make it all right ¶