Original subtitles

Mr. Ventura, how do you justify your insanity

and being wrong about everything?

Excuse me, I saw the tape of President Shrimp being shot.

Okay, I'm an expert marksman, and I couldn't have made the shot.

He's right, Pim.

I mean, like, if you really think about it, he's right.

Can we change it back to the funny cat compilation

we had on, Charlie?

Wait, dude, just tell me, explain to me,

how did the magic bullet go through President Shrimp's head,

into the governor in front of him, then into the driver to the left of them,

then behind him into his wife,

and then back into President Shrimp's head?

Explain that to me, man.

I don't... I don't know.

I don't like to think about that stuff, Charlie,

-to be honest. -Dude, I'm just asking--

Glep, what happened in here? There was a big noise.

What's that?

The floor collapsed?

Pim and Charlie fell down into it?

Oh, my God! Somebody call the police!

Charlie?

Charlie, wake up.

Are we dead?

Am I in hell again?

Oh, my gosh.

Are those photos of... us?

Is that really what I look like?

Man, I need to lose weight fucking immediately.

That is really, really bad, dude.

Who are you?

Me? Oh, me?

I am Mole Man.

And can I just say,

I'm so honored to finally have the Pim and Charlie

in my cool fucking mole hole. Do you like it?

-Yeah. It's, like, a standard mole hole. -Yeah.

Wait, also, how do you know our names?

Oh, I know everything about you two.

You see...

in the beginning I lived a simple and peaceful life in my mole hole

until that building of yours was erected right above my head and ruined everything.

At first, listening to you two babble on and on and on

nearly drove me to madness.

But then something strange began to happen.

I started getting used to your talking and silly shenanigans,

and then I even started to grow accustomed to it.

What once was a passionate hatred became a craving.

In your absence, I felt incomplete,

so I began tunneling around with my mole abilities,

following you wherever you went, admiring you from afar.

Yes, I've been there the entire time, Pim and Charlie.

All of your jokes, all of your banter, all of your filthy little secrets.

I was there for it all.

And now you're finally here, and I can have you all to my mole self.

Well, that's a lovely story, Mr. Mole Man,

but you didn't have to capture us and tie us up.

You could have just come and talked to us.

Oh, that's nice of you to say, Pim.

But unfortunately, I cannot go to the surface

because everyone will see my disgusting penis.

I mean, just don't show it.

A classic Charlie line.

I knew you'd say a funny, quippy line like that.

How cute, how quaint, how interesting, how cool,

how queer, how funny, how silly, how--

Dude, what do you want with us?

I just want you to be yourselves.

Behold!

You didn't just see my penis, did you?

No, I was looking at the thing you just revealed.

-I didn't even see it. -Yeah. Same.

I was just looking at the building.

Are you sure you didn't see my penis

when I went, whoop, like that? No?

Whoop! Like that? No, huh? You didn't see it then?

Whoop! Watch out. There it is.

So? Any luck?

Yeah, look, unfortunately, that sinkhole completely closed up.

Even if we did retrieve their bodies, they would look like ground beef.

Which, I mean, may sound delicious,

but would be very scary for you to see.

Yeah, no, that does sound delicious,

but, yeah, I get... I get what you mean.

All right, have a nice day.

I can't believe it. They're really gone.

My boys!

Smiling Friends is over!

You've still got Glep and I, Mr. Boss.

Wait, Allan.

What if you and Glep were the new Smiling Friends?

-Okay. -The Smiling Friends are back!

I thought I already was a Smiling Friend.

All right, go.

What do you mean?

Just, you know, do funny stuff.

Do your classic realistic dialogue with each other.

Hi, Pim.

How are you do-- How are you doing?

I'm good, Charlie.

How are you doing?

Fucking stupid thing.

Yo, yo. What's up, my fellow coworkers?

Hey, yo, guys, I've got a good one.

What would you do if a fucking gnome

just ran in here all of a sudden and started going...

What would you do? What would you say?

Would you just want to smash it with a hammer or what?

That was really fun, Mole Man. You're great at this.

I think we can call it a day now and go back--

Oh, you guys.

I hear someone coming.

You boys have a job...

Did you hear that, guys? We've got a job to go on.

The three Smiling Friends have a job.

A job. A job to go on.

Let's go on a job!

All right, Glep. This is very important.

We can't screw this up.

Hello, we're the Smooling Fronds.

-Fuck! -Oh, wonderful!

Please, come in.

I've been so depressed

ever since my husband ran out on me and my beautiful triplets.

I just need someone to look after them while I go to work.

-Yeah, sure, we can do that. -Great!

There's a lasagna in the freezer and instructions in the fridge. Goodbye!

So...

do you want the lasagna now?

My foot!

Glep!

All right, here we are.

We're gonna make someone smile. Yay.

Who... Who are we supposed to be helping?

Oh, you came just in time. I need you to help me smile

because I'm afraid people will see my disgusting penis.

Oh, sorry to hear that, Mr. Mole Man.

I personally think your penis is very nice and not disgusting at all.

Really? Oh, wow. Thank you, kind stranger.

Wow, that's very nice of you to say.

What do you think, Pim and Charlie? What do you think of his penis?

I mean, yeah, I think it's...

-Yep. -Oh, thank you.

And what about you, sir?

Yeah, what do you think about his penis, Charlie?

I...

No. No, I'm not commenting on that.

My heroes don't like my penis?

They hate my penis?

No.

Glep?

Hey! Turn that off!

Charlie, I'm really scared. How are we gonna get out of here?

It's all right, Pim. Let's just think.

What would WWE star

and former governor of Minnesota, Jesse Ventura, do?

Charlie, you're being psychologically manipulated.

The answer's been in front of you the whole time.

Just like 9/11.

Oh, wait.

Pim, these are flimsy tree roots.

We could've just broken out of these the whole time.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Oh no! Which way do we go?

That way!

What the hell? Vivianne! Get in here!

Little colorful characters are running around in the vents!

I'm sure there are.

All right, just go to sleep.

How dare you run away from me, you ungrateful little twats?

Wait, that sounded like Allan.

Allan, Glep, what are you guys doing here?

Pim? Charlie? You're alive?

I've got you now!

Oh. Allan and Glep.

You're not even technically Smiling Friends,

but I'll kill you anyway.

Fuck you.

I'm home!

Oh, sorry! I didn't mean to show you that.

So sorry, I know it's disgusting. I'm sorry.

No, I...

I love it.

-Really? -Yeah, I really do.

My name's Maurine, by the way.

Oh, that's awesome.

I'm Mole Man,

and you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life.

Hey, maybe this is crazy, but...

do you want to marry me and be the father of my triplets?

Yes, I do!

Oh, hooray!

Children, come in here!

Meet your new Mole-daddy!

I spent my whole life obsessing over Pim and Charlie,

but this is my new obsession now.

Fuck Pim and Charlie!

I have a family now.

You know, I just gotta say, we avoided seeing it the whole time,

Pim, and I just saw it right there, and it was not as bad as I thought--

It looked pretty good from what I thought it'd be.

The penis? Yeah, I saw it too.

Yeah, it looked good. Looked like a good penis.

'Cause he hyped it up and said it would be horrible,

-and said it would be ugly. -I thought it looked delicious.

What's that?

I thought the penis looked delicious.

Mr. Boss, Pim and Charlie didn't die.

They were alive the whole time.